02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

And we're live in five, four…

- Three…
- …two…

[announcer] Uncensored.

Welcome to the naughtiest show
on television.

Coming to you live from Corinium Studios.

[both] Uncensored.

Tonight, we'll be bringing you the stories
they don't want you to hear.

We name the breakfast television presenter

who's been staying up late
with ladies of the night.

[gasps] And as rumours circulate about
a famous pop star's h*m*,

our celebrity panel wonders
who are the poofs of pop?

But first, love and prayers
from everyone at Corinium

for our beloved leader, Lord Baddingham.

- f*ck you! [Grunts]
- [whimpers, grunts]

Everyone at Corinium has been shocked
and saddened by his tragic accident.

[♪ "Alive And Kicking" playing]

[gasps]

Lord Baddingham,
Tony, wasn't just our boss.

- He was our family.
- Mm-hmm.

[♪ "Alive And Kicking" continues]

[breathing shakily]

What's happened?

But it takes more than
a little bump to the head

to keep Tony Baddingham down.

[both chuckle]

[gasps]

Help me. [Sobs, breathes shakily]

[exhales deeply]

[♪ Opera music playing]

[birds chirping]

[♪ "Only You" plays]

- Stop doing that!
- Yeah, open this.

- I'll put this gently on the seat.
- Well, just hold it closely.

- Look, Caitlin...
- Wait.

[♪ "Only You" continues]

[♪ "Only You" continues]

[Taggie] How long is this drive?

[Patrick] Oh, my God!

[Taggie] Look at the size of this place.

[music ends]

Welcome to Bella Vista.

[chuckles]

Val's had her eye on this
since we moved to Green Lawns.

It's nice though, being right here
in Penscombe near Rupert and you lot.

We brought our swimming costumes.

Ah. Well, Val's got some rules.

No running, pushing, ducking,
bombing or skinny dipping.

What about heavy petting?

Go for your life,
as long as keep your cossies on.

[horn honks]

[Sebbie laughs] Baby!

Come on!

[♪ "Boys" playing on speakers]

- Whoo! Let's go!
- Here they are.

I invited the polo team round
for some swimming.

[Sebbie] Whoo!

Val's turned it into a bloody circus.

- [Taggie chuckles]
- [Freddie] You all right, lads?

Right, get out.

[both gasp]

- Freddie!
- Freddie!

That's Sebbie and Dommie Carlisle.
People call them the heavenly twins.

- Although they're not identical.
- [Sebbie] Come on!

Sebbie's taller and apparently
Dommie's got a bigger willy.

- [chuckles]
- [Sebbie] Look at this!

Where's the pool, Mr Jones?

Follow me.

[Caitlin] Hi.

Welcome to Bella Vista!

[chuckles] We called it Bella Vista
because it means "nice view".

[chuckles] It's so wonderful
to be able to stand

at the bottom of one's drive
and not be able to see one's house.

Right, if you'd like to go through.
Shoes off everyone, please!

- [chuckles]
- Get in there, you b*stard. Come on.

[Patrick] Who's the heavenly girl?

One of Bas's stick chicks.

I tell you what, Patrick.
They only let beautiful people play polo.

Why'd they let you play then?

I'm the pat-ron of the Jones Jets.

- Pat-ron?
- It's how polo people say it.

Yeah, I just give 'em a load of money
to sponsor the team

then they stick me on a pony

and they set me up to score goals
and look good.

[chuckles]

We're finally where we belong,
aren't we, Fred-Fred? [Chuckles]

Shall we?

[♪ "It's So Nice to Have
a Man Around House" playing]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

Taggie. Did you make all these?

Uh… Yes.

Mmm. Mmm.

Prick me with a fork. I'm done.

Right, gents.

Venturer meeting. Jacuzzi.

Let's talk polo.

Lovely!

[Declan] It's our first chance
of making TV.

We're gonna film the match,
flog the footage to the BBC,

and show everyone
that Venturer can cover sport.

Do people really want to watch polo?

I love watching polo.

It's the Rutshire Cup, Wes.

Yes, it's been held on
the estate since 1874.

- You sure you want me on telly on a horse?
- Pony.

- [Freddie] What?
- [Basil] Anyway,

with no bloody Rupert,
our team's a man down.

Still no word from him or Cameron?

Not even a bloody phone call.

[Charles] It's pandemonium at Corinium.

No Cameron,
Tony's still off work after his accident.

I-I'm in charge of everything.

But you're Venturer. What?

I'm double-agenting, Henry, remember?

[Henry] Oh, yes! Sorry, Charles.

I hate to admit it,
but I was under the impression

that we had already
won the franchise, huh?

We won the right
to compete against Corinium.

Jesus, Henry.

[stammers] It's a good thing
I'm hiring proper staff.

The Prime Minister's
really quite ticked off.

The general election's days away
and nobody has heard from him.

Stop it. Last time Rupert got himself
lost in a sex marathon,

he didn't come up for air for a month.

[all laughing, chattering]

Devilled egg, your holiness?

- Thank you.
- [Valerie chuckles]

Lady Hampshire?

- Why not, Mrs Jones? Thank you.
- [Valerie] Oh, no,

please, call me Mousie. [Chuckles]

Oh, have we told you
that Wayne is starting Eton in September?

We're very proud of him.

[imitating walrus]

How did he get in?
Did Freddie donate a computer lab?

- [laughs]
- Don't. [Chuckles]

Well, no, he passed the exam.

[laughing]

[♪ "Bamboléo" playing]

[polo player whoops]

[players chuckling]

No!

[Sebbie, Dommie] Chocks away!

[gasps]

- [laughs] Water polo!
- [chuckles]

- Willies! [Chuckles]
- [Valerie] Fred-Fred, do something.

Patrick!

Neil Kinnock, Neil Kinnock, Neil Kinnock.

- [Sebbie, Dommie] Whoo-hoo!
- [laughing]

Geronimo!

- Ew!
- I said no skinny dipping!

[breathes heavily, shrieks]

[music ends]

I really didn't want to see
my brother completely naked,

but I saw the Carlisle twins' bits,
so I'm taking that as a win.

[sighs] I thought
Sebbie's willy was nicer.

[groans]

Have you still not heard
anything more from your Seb, Tag?

Oh, he was never my Seb.

His letter was lovely
and his new job sounds amazing.

He dumped you in a letter? The shame!

Have you heard from Cameron since
she's been off shagging Rupert? Dipstick.

[sniffles]

Tag? What's the matter?

Um…

[sniffles]

[clicks tongue]

Rupert kissed me.

- f*cking f*ck!
- What?

- [chuckles] Where?
- Uh, in the kitchen.

No, I meant, where did he kiss you?

Oh, uh, on the mouth.

- [Caitlin gasps]
- Yeah, he said such lovely things

and then the next day,
he just disappeared.

- [clicks tongue, sighs]
- [Patrick] Oh, Tag.

He said he couldn't breathe without me.

[inhales deeply] I just don't believe
he would say that and then just disappear.

[sighs]

Doesn't make sense.

Something awful must have happened.

[♪ Joyful music playing]

[breathing heavily]

[moaning]

[moans]

[gasps]

Thank you.

Plenty more where that came from.

No, I mean bringing me here.
Keeping me safe.

Well, it's just good manners.

Rupert, be serious for a moment.

I promised I would protect you and I will.

So you hide me here forever?

Well, we don't have to stay in Devon.

I've friends all over the world.

- We'll keep moving.
- [chuckles, inhales deeply]

Stay ahead of the game.

Stay ahead of the game.

[church bell tolling]

[♪ Tense music playing]

[groans]

You're fine and fit.
Take it steady though. Well done.

You're doing really well, Dad.

- We thought you were dead.
- Don't be daft, Camilla.

- Daddy's invincible.
- Thank you, Beatrice.

Have you packed
your belongings for school?

The car will be waiting
to take you back, girls.

Archie, you'll go by train.

Listen to your mother.

- [Archie] I should take the car.
- Thank you, darling.

[Camilla] But you took the car last time.

You really don't remember anything?

[sighs]

No. Like I told the police,
it's a complete blank.

It's extraordinary, innit?

- [Hugo as Wily William] These fields…
- That's very kind of you.

- …will run with your blood…
- Thanks for your concern.

…before you ever mow again.

Yes, it's certainly very nice to be home.

I know, I know, I know.
Quite the end-of-series cliffhanger.

[announcer] And Four Men Went to Mow
will return in the autumn.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Yes, it's splendid to be
back home with the family.

You too, Lady Gosling.
Thank you. Goodnight.

[inhales deeply]

You should be heading up the wooden hill
to Bedfordshire, Tony.

I'll redress your wound for you.

Let me lock up down here.

- No cigars.
- [grunts]

[inhales sharply, kisses]

Come on, dogs.

[♪ Contemplative music playing]

[sighs]

I didn't clean it.

Do you think she's gone back to America?

She's gone to Rupert Campbell-Black.

Hunt the b*tch down.

[music ends]

From the moment he met Maud,
he was infatuated.

Words started pouring out of him.

Everything he ever wrote was for her.

This hugely magnetic woman
who constantly rejected him.

Anyone would think
this was your biography, Declan.

That's why it has to be me
who tells the Yeats story.

I mean, documentaries are normally so dry.

- No of fence, Mike.
- Nah.

Maud Gonne married someone else
just to get a rise out of Yeats.

What does Yeats do?

- Tries to seduce her daughter.
- [Mike chuckles]

Sounds like EastEnders.

Mmm, uh, EastEnders did get


Hmm.

Documentaries aren't
presented by celebrities.

Whatever next?

Joanna Lumley on plumbing? [Chuckles]

Listen, we really do want your face
back on the Beeb, old boy.

Would you consider hosting Breakfast Time?

- Frank Bough's on his way out.
- I don't do mornings.

Oh.

Can I say, Jeremy,

this is exactly what the BBC documentary
department are looking for.

New formats bringing the wonders
of the world to a wider audience.

Declan O'Hara, Irish god…
[chuckles] …and British national treasure…

And who got his big break at the BBC.

Look, it's relevant, it's noisy,
it's-it's informative.

- But gripping.
- Homework becomes entertainment.

A spoonful of sugar
helps the medicine go down.

In a most delightful way.

- [photographers] Nathalie! Nathalie!
- Thank you.

Nathalie! Over here, Nathalie.

Oh, merci. You're all so kind.
Thank you so much.

[Maud] Excuse me.

[Nathalie] So sweet. Thank you.

[photographers, journalists clamouring]

[♪ Romantic music playing]

[exhales sharply]

[clicks tongue]

- You came.
- I came.

[chuckles]

[photographer] It's Declan O'Hara!

Declan, Declan, over here!

- [crowd clamouring]
- [shutters clicking]

[singing]

[Maud] Well, Caitlin fell asleep,

Patrick has script notes for Ibsen,

and Taggie, well, she couldn't make head
nor tail of it, the eejit.

I mean, I love the play.
It's just a really small part.

I mean, blink and you'll miss me, right?

- I mean…
- You don't have to be kind, Declan.

It's…

I really appreciate you coming.

[chuckles]
House falling apart without me, is it?

It's quieter.

Hey!

- I mean, the kids seem okay?
- Sure, why wouldn't they be?

You're doing a play.
We're all very happy for you.

They've offered me the tour.

Right.

That's…

Good news? [Chuckles]

But I really wanna come home,
once we've finished in London.

Oh, thank God.

But I meant what I said, Declan.
I need to keep working.

Understood.

[sighs]

Are you dancing?

Are you asking?

No one else is.

Never stopped us before.

[singing continues]

[music fades, ends]

[Declan] Well,
this turned into a worthwhile trip.

[Maud laughs]

I had a meeting
with Jeremy Bonnington earlier.

The BBC are interested in turning
my Yeats biography into a documentary.

[sighs]

- Right.
- I really want to film it in Sligo.

And I'm playing Maud Gonne, right?

[both chuckling]

You're a West End star now.
I couldn't afford you.

The stagehands have more to do than me.

Oh, my God. The Christmas tree!

I like the Christmas tree.

What did you think of the new ending?

Mmm.

Yeah, um…

I mean, it was sacrilegious,
but it-it gave a new meaning, I suppose...

[grunts] You f*cking bullshitter!

[sighs] The only thing the producers
haven't changed is the ending.

She still leaves her husband
and children for a better life.

But you wouldn't know that,

just as you didn't know
the Christmas tree fell over tonight

because you didn't watch the play.

- [Declan] Maud…
- Get out.

Listen. The meeting, it ran over.

- I had every intention of going. Please.
- Just f*cking get out!

- Get up! Come on!
- Please, don't… For f*ck...

[Maud] Just get out! Just f*cking get out!

[muttering]

Maud!

- [sighs]
- [banging on door]

- Maud!
- [Mrs Windsor clears throat]

[♪ playful music plays]

Ladies.

Is that Terry Wogan?

[gulls squawking]

[engine revving]

[♪ Unsettling music playing]

[music intensifies]

Sorry I'm late, darling.

I've had a terrible headache.

[♪ Dramatic, operatic music playing]

Cameron!

[music ends]

[Tony] Sit down.

What the f*ck is this?

I'm giving you a choice.

A choice? [Chuckles]

I tried to k*ll you, Tony.

Well, um, that's because I hurt you
and you were defending yourself.

We both got a little carried away.

I lay in that hospital bed and wondered
what this meant for our relationship.

I could have you punished,
send you to prison.

Can't imagine America
would want you back after that.

But then I thought of the alternative.

And that is?

Forgiveness.

I've already told the police
I don't remember anything.

If you stay with Corinium, stay with me,

I will remember it was a simple accident.

[scoffs]

I love you, Cameron.

No, you don't love me.

You just want to beat Rupert.

Can't a man have it all?

[inhales deeply]

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

[Ginger chuckles]

Rumours of my demise
have been greatly exaggerated.

Which one of you greased
the front steps, eh?

[laughing]

No, seriously, do be careful
entering and exiting the building.

My little slip could have been far,
far worse.

Thank goodness for Miss Madden.

Joyce, I can always trust you
to catch me when I fall.

I would like to welcome back Cameron Cook

who has been taking time away
to study the opposition.

Her first-class espionage means we are now
fully abreast of Venturer's plans

and are ready to knock them
out of the competition.

Thank you, Miss Cook.

There are no lengths you won't go
in order to keep Corinium,

this franchise bid,
and all our livelihoods safe.

[cheering]

Because make no mistake,
we are under attack.

Venturer, led by Rupert Campbell-Black
and Declan O'Hara,

will continue to solicit
employees from our ranks

to elicit confidential information.

Those Venturer gangsters have no scruples,
so be on your guard.

Trust no one.

Oh, Charles.
[stammers] Where's Charles Fairburn?

Here, Tony.

Charles has done a fantastic job
covering Cameron's role

while she's been away.
So, thank you, Charles.

Now, Beattie and Sarah's Uncensored
is demolishing the competition.

The teams are gearing up
to sh**t series three

- of Four Men Went to Mow in September.
- [cheering]

Master Dog will be back,
bigger and barkier than ever

with James Vereker back
on presenting duties.

- Woof.
- [laughing]


ladies and gentlemen,

and we are at w*r!

[people murmuring] Yes! Yes!

An eye for an eye.

We'll take their f*cking heads off!

[cheering]

[whistling]

Rupert?

Sorry, Tag, not now.

Baddingham found out about Cameron and me.

She thought he was going to k*ll her,
so she walloped him.

Shame she didn't succeed.

That's why we had to get away.

She was in danger.

I had to protect her.

But he found us.

So, why has she gone back to him?

[Rupert] I don't know.
She just got into the helicopter.

Doesn't seem like Cameron.

- She's such a tough cookie.
- [Rupert] She was scared of him.

[sighs] We've… [inhales deeply]

We've got to get her out of there.

Rupe, she's a big girl.

If she's gone back to him,
then maybe we've got to accept it.

[Rupert] No, it's not like her.
There's got to be something else going on.

You're wrong, Rupert.
She's definitely Team Corinium.

She's back at Tony's side
as if nothing ever happened.

And th… there's something else.

Tony says that we're now filming
the polo match on Sunday.

No, we're filming the polo match
on Sunday.

[Charles] I'm sorry, Declan. It's all set.

Corinium are filming the polo too.

- [sighs]
- [Declan] Well,

let's get ready for a fight.

- Morning. Hello.
- [Rupert] Mmm.

Rupert Campbell-Black.
Welcome to Venturer.

- Mike Maples.
- Ah!

- [Mike] Excited to be here.
- Are you ready?

Well, I left behind regular hours
and a BBC pension

to work for my broadcasting hero's
renegade production company.

I've never been so poor or so happy.
[chuckling]

- [chuckling]
- [horn honks]

Right on schedule.

[♪ Playful music playing]

Okay? Make sure that gets done right away.

Cameron.

Beautiful day for it.

Let's have a fair fight.

May the best team win.

You can make television
without being a c**t, Tony.

It's not nearly so much fun though, is it?

Come on, Cameron.

- [Rupert] What are you doing?
- Staying ahead of the game.

Come on, lads. It's time for David
to kick Goliath's arse.

[♪ "Let's Dance" playing]

[no audible dialogue]

[music continues]

- [Caitlin] So sexy. [Gasps]
- What?

- What?
- This is my new favourite sport.

Yes, no one's actually here to watch polo.
They're here to watch each other.

Has Rupert said anything?

Heard him say
he wants to get Cameron back.

There are less complicated men
to fall in love with.

[horses whinnying]

[music fades, ends]

[James] Polo, polo, the sport of kings.

Four players per team,
four chukkas per game,

seven minutes per chukka.

Look at all the pretty horses.

Let's horse around.

Horseplay.

- Par for the horse. [Chuckles]
- Ponies.

Could I get some water, please?

- What?
- They're called ponies, James!

I thought ponies were baby horses?

Apparently not.

Stupid game.

[director] Stand by to record!

- [grunts]
- [James clears throat]

[Daysee] Floor standing by.

Waiting for shot to clear. We ready?

Chukka, chukka, chukka.
Chukka Khan, Chukka Khan.

Okay, on camera one. And action!

Did you know, James, that polo
is the oldest ball sport in the world

dating back to 600 BC?

Yes, Sarah, I did.

Now, viewers at home will be wondering
why you're wearing

that rather fetching jumpsuit.

Are you auditioning for Treasure Hunt?

[chuckles]

- [Sarah retches]
- [James screams]

- No! Yucky! Yuck!
- [gasps] Oh, my…

- I'm so sorry. Oh, my God.
- This is Polo Ralph Lauren!

- Deirdre!
- We have Beattie standing by to take over.

- [James] I can feel it on me.
- Oh, no.

- Deirdre, strip James off.
- Oh, she's already on it.

It's not on my trousers.
It's not on the trousers.

Just meet me in the van.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the final of the Rutshire Cup

at the estate of Lord and Lady Hampshire.

We have four-time winners
and last year's champions,

- the Remington Steelers…
- [spectators clapping]

…playing against newcomers,
the Jones Jets.

[spectators cheering]

- The match is about to start.
- [director] Stand by.

[announcer] Let's rock and roll!

[♪ "Crazy Horses" playing]

[whistle blows]

[announcer] And they're away!

[Basil grunts]

Lovely cross from Baddingham
to Campbell-Black.

[horse blusters]

[Basil] Hey!

Rupert!

Rupert, all they way! All the way!
Let's go! Let's go!

[announcer] Campbell-Black
sends through to Hampshire.

I'm in! Whoa!

- [Henry grunts]
- [Rupert] Yes!

- Hampshire sets up for Jones.
- Come on, Freddie!

[Henry] Go on, Freddie! Yeah!

- And a wonderful goal from Freddie Jones!
- Yes, Freddie!

Oh, one-nil.

Whoo-hoo!

[cheering]

[Valerie] Come on, Fred-Fred!

[cheering]

[♪ Playing classical music]

What on Earth is that woman doing?

Oh, her high heels are stuck
in the mud, Gwendolyn.

She looks as though
she needs to go to the loo.

[Tony laughing]

I'll get you some champers. [Laughing]

It's wonderful to see you
out and about again, Monica.

Tony's accident
must have been very hard on you.

Well, we're all soldiering on. [Chuckles]

Do let Hermione and me know
if we can help at all.

Us Wycombe Abbey girls
must look out for one another.

- Hmm.
- Well, I must say,

Mrs Stratton looks ready for action
in her boiler suit.

[Tony] Ah, Sarah has a surprise for us
after the final chukka, Reverend Penney.

- You'll enjoy that.
- Ooh, what's the surprise?

Wouldn't be a f*cking surprise
if I told you, would it?

Now, let's enjoy these fools
getting beaten.

[whistle blows]

[announcer] Steelers right back in it now,
pushing hard.

Lovely play from the twins.

Dommie and Sebbie
passing between each other.

[players chattering]

[announcer] They cross to Jasper.
He takes it.

And that's a goal! Beautifully done.

f*ck!

[cheers]

Now that's some sexy f*cking polo.

f*cking yes!

- Oh, f*cking hell.
- [announcer] And with the score now

{\an8}at one goal apiece,

{\an8}it makes it even-Stevens
at the end of the second chukka.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
take to the pitch for the divot stamping.

[dog growls]

- [yelps]
- [chuckling] Sorry, sorry!

- [sighs, chuckling]
- Come here! Sorry! [Laughs]

- He just loves telly. [Chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Which side are you on?

Uh, Corinium.

- Oh.
- I'm Corinium.

Ah. [Laughing]

Is Master Dog coming back?

Of course!

- Are you thinking of entering?
- [laughing] Oh, no.

David does not enjoy the spotlight.

"I like having my belly
rubbed in front of Knots Landing."

Don't we all, David?

[laughing] David Bow-Wowie, if you please.

[laughing]

Oh.

Would you like to watch
the filming with me?

Could we? That's awfully kind of you.

Charles Fairburn.

Muffy, short for Caroline.

[chuckling]

Sweaty work.

Might go back to mine and, um…

Have a long shower.

[Shelley] Who with?

Me or my brother?

We know you've been bonking both of us.

Don't play a player, mate.

[sighs]

It's like West Side Story.

The two different sides coming together.

- [chuckles]
- Yeah. I guess it is.

Mmm.

Do you go both ways then?

Oh, uh…

I just like sex.

- A lot.
- Oh.

I haven't done it yet.

I really want to though.

[♪ Playful music plays]

- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

[spectators cheering]

All set for the big surprise, team?

- Ready for the grand finale?
- Mm-hmm.

I can't wait to come and see you tonight.

Tonight can't come soon enough.

[Tony] Hmm.

[♪ Tense music playing]

[announcer] The Jones Jets are right back
in the game, now running hard!

- Can he score from there? Yes, he does!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- [horse whinnies]

{\an8}[whistle blows]

[spectators cheering, applauding]

Is Rupert the daddy or is it James?

You've been running
to the ladies all week.

The men around you may not have realised,
but that's men.

- [Paul] Right!
- Don't...

- Ready for launch?
- Sarah's so excited, she could burst.

[Paul] And smile!

We're going to be in Tatler.

- Okay, thank you.
- [Paul] No, come on.

- Crack your face. You're having fun.
- [chuckles]

- Middle distance.
- That's enough. Thank you.

- f*ck off.
- Let's get you up then, Sarah.

[sighs]

We discussed this.
It's really very simple. [Stammers]

You jump out the plane,
the parachute pops open,

and you just float
like a little butterfly…

- Thrilling.
- …down into the field.

Everyone applauds. Lovely, lovely.

- Is there a problem?
- No.

Come on.

- We'll look after her.
- Good luck.

Tony. I'm pregnant.

Huh? Speak up, woman.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, you are the face of
two prime-time television shows.

This is hugely inconvenient. [Grunts]
Well, we'll have to start auditioning

- for replacements on Monday then, Deirdre.
- [gasps]

Come along then.
Let's get you up in the plane.

No. I can't. Tony, I can't. [Sighs]

I have four camera crews,


the whole of Rutshire
waiting for a f*cking surprise.

Who's going to jump out
the bloody plane, then?

[♪ Playful music plays]

[announcer] So we haven't long to go,
it's the final chukka,

can the Jones Jets beat off
the Remington Steelers and win?

- It is Campbell-Black on the offside.
- Come on, Rupert!

- [Henry] Attack Rupert!
- That's a lovely bit of work by him.

- All the way!
- Look, and they can't ride him off…

They can't do it. They're struggling
to get hold of him and he's still there.

Campbell-Black going right bang.
He's going to have a final shot at goal!

- Go, go, go!
- Come on!

He's gonna score from there
to win the Rutshire Cup…

And that's a goal!

[spectators cheering]

- [announcer] A beautiful goal by Rupert.
- Yes!

The Jones Jets are winners
of the Rutshire Cup.

- Yes!
- [cheering]

[Hermione] Right, come on, my loves.
Well done, you. Congratulations.

- Yeah! It's good to see you.
- Well done, Freddie.

- Lovely. Thank you.
- [bartender] Will that be all, madam?

And a lager for Mr Jones, please.

He looks thirsty.

[chuckles] Can you put it in there for me?

- [Freddie laughs]
- [laughs]

I can't stop thinking about you.

Me too.

It's like a beautiful dream
I had. [Chuckles]

[♪ Gentle music playing]

[Valerie] Fred-Fred! [Chuckles]

- Didn't he do well?
- [Lizzie] He was wonderful.

- Well played, Freddie.
- [Valerie chuckles]

I worried he was too tubby for polo, eh?
That poor horse!

[both laughing]

Could you, er, take a picture of us?

- Come, give the camera to Mrs Vereker.
- Oh, no.

- Okay. I'm not great with these, uh…
- All right, stand in the middle.

- Just press the top button?
- No slouching, Sharon.

- Uh, say, "Cheese". [Chuckles]
- [all] Cheese.

[shutter clicks]

[chuckles] Lovely.

[sighs] Come on, you got…

Sharon, you look nice. You look slim
when you stand up straight.

There you go. Lovely.
All right, shall we go get another drink?

[sighs]

- Lizzie.
- No. No, Freddie.

You've walked off with Val's camera.

- Oh, God. Sorry.
- [chuckles, sighs]

I think it's best
we keep away from each other.

[inhales sharply]

[♪ Melancholic music playing]

It's gonna be quite hard,
us being neighbours now and everything.

It's hurting my heart.

[inhales sharply]

[glass clinking]

[Henry] My lords, ladies and gentlemen.

Some quiet please.

We are delighted as ever to host you all
here in the grounds of our humble home.

And this year,
with even more joy in our hearts

than usual because…

[Henry] The day Hermione and I
thought would never arrive…

- [Hermione chuckles] No.
- …Is finally on the horizon.

After her sterling work for the Spastics

and rebuilding that school in… Ghana?

- [Hermione] Ghana.
- [Henry] Yeah. Our beloved Caroline

is getting married.

- [guests exclaiming]
- [guest] Bravo!

[Henry] We are delighted to announce

the engagement of our daughter,
Caroline Margaret…

[Hermione giggles]

Yes.

…to Mr Gerald Middleton.

Come up, Gerald.

[guests applauding]

[Hermione] To Gerald and Muffy, everyone.

[all] To Gerald and Muffy!

[no audible dialogue]

[Henry] Oh, it's beautiful.

Right,
have a fantastic afternoon everybody.

[Tony] It's been a wonderful day
for Corinium.

And, personally,
may I say how fabulous it is

- to have you back at the helm, Tony?
- [Tony] Stronger than ever.

None the worse for my little adventure.

[James chuckles] Ah, yes.

And, um,
before Corinium's big surprise today,

just to confirm
for some concerned viewers at home,

uh, this was an accident.

It wasn't due to any foul play?

I slipped on the steps outside Corinium.
Entirely my own fault.

Perhaps I should wear trainers
instead of brogues in future.

[James] Well, thank you
for putting all our minds at rest.

- [Tony] Welcome.
- And cut.

- Terrific, Tony. Excellent. As always.
- Well done, James.

[Cameron] Thanks, Tony.

Glad we got the truth on record.

No threat of police for me,
no public scandal for you.

Win-win, right?

[♪ Operatic music playing]

- [Declan] Congratulations.
- [Cameron] Hold on, guys.

[Basil] Thank you.

[sighs]

You stayed ahead of the game.

[Cameron] Mm-hmm, I did.

[aeroplane approaching]

- [chattering]
- There it is.

That's the one I was supposed to be in.

[guests exclaiming]

Mikey, Mikey, sh**t this.

[Mike] Oh, okay!

Right. There, roll on the parachute.

[guests exclaiming, applauding]

- [guest] Very good!
- [laughs]

[chuckles]

[Deirdre screaming]

- [gasping, exclaiming]
- [parachute crashes]

[branches snapping]

- [screams]
- [guests gasping]

[music ends]

[people cheering, chattering]

[presenter] And finally,
to today's Rutshire Cup

at the Hampshire estate,

with this exclusive footage
brought to us by Venturer Television.

[cheering]

[presenter] The match was won
by satellite technology mogul.

Freddie Jones's Jones Jets,

with Mrs Thatcher's Minister for Sport,
Rupert Campbell-Black, back in action,

helping to score the winning goal.

And the behind-the-scenes fiasco
Tony Baddingham didn't want you to see,

as a Corinium employee humiliates himself

after crash landing his parachute
into a tree.

- [laughs] Poor chap.
- [winces]

I hope he's all right.

In the ITV franchise battle
between television titan Corinium

and the newly formed Venturer Television,

- it was Venturer who won the day.
- [knocks on door]

- [turns off TV]
- What?

[sighs] May I speak with you, Tony?

Oh, this is getting extremely dull, Sarah.

If you want to keep your job,

your little inconvenience
needs to be flushed away.

It's yours.

[♪ Slow, dramatic music playing]

It's your baby, Tony.

[dogs barking]

Off you go.

[groans]

Long day, darling.

What's for dinner?

Um…

I have to admit, today was embarrassing.

- Oh, darling. I'm sorry.
- No, not for me. For you.

You let her humiliate you
in front of our friends.

In front of your children.

I defied my father and my whole family

when I agreed to exchange this house
for your surname, Tony.

There will be no more lies.

Or I will hurt you far more
than any mistress ever could.

You want to win so badly,

you make yourself very easy to beat.

Come on, dogs.

Come on.

[dogs barking]

- [people chattering]
- [Muffy] Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you tell me
you were Gerry's chum?

I-I just can't believe it.

We're going to be a proper little g*ng,
the three of us.

Well, the four of us.

This must be what love does to you.

I'd completely forgotten about David.

I hope he's not mounting Gertrude
in the garden. [Laughs]

- Oh, sorry. Mmm.
- [Muffy chuckles]

- Oh! [Chuckles]
- [chuckles]

You should have told me
she was Henry's daughter.

[whispering] I'm sorry, Charles.
I wanted to speak to you first.

And tell me you're into Muffy?

- [laughs]
- [laughs] I like her.

Do you think it'll work?

Our plan?

Worth a try, isn't it?

[Rupert] I mean, they were exciting,
the last two chukkas.

[Basil] Well,
I've played some chukkas in my time…

Thank you, angel.

[Cameron chuckling]

We did it.

[clicks tongue] You did it.

How did you manage to hold your nerve?

[sighs] Oh, I held on to Rupert.

And waited until Tony
publicly absolved me.

If he goes to the police now,
he'll just look foolish.

- Tony would never let that happen.
- [Declan] We'd better be careful.

He'll be out for blood.

Glad you got out alive though.

Well, I got out alive,
but without my car or my apartment.

Well, you're coming to live with me.

Penscombe Court.

You mean that?

[Rupert] Of course.

[kisses]

[Rupert clears throat]

[sighs]

You know what, I'll just, um…
I'll be back in a second.

- [sniffles, sighs]
- [footsteps approaching]

Taggie. I need to explain.

Cameron came to me for protection.

I had to get her away quickly.
Keep her safe from Tony.

- Do the right thing.
- [chuckles]

[inhales deeply]

I'm trying to behave honourably.

[chuckles] Oh!

[chuckling]
Did you sleep with her immediately,

or did you honourably hold off
for one night?

I was already sleeping with Cameron
before I kissed you.

- Well, then you shouldn't have kissed me!
- No, I shouldn't have kissed you!

[♪ Gloomy music playing]

It's true what everyone says about you.

You aren't capable of love.

- Tag.
- Please, get out of my kitchen.

[breathes shakily, sighs]

[crying]

[Lizzie] People say
that life isn't a fairy tale.

That happy ever after doesn't exist.

But what if
you just haven't found the person

who will give you your happy ending?

It's up to you to give yourself
the love you deserve.

However, be prepared.

With love may also come w*r,

and every w*r has its casualties.

[Cameron exhales deeply]

Welcome home.

[chuckles]

That's peculiar.

Dogs!

Get the f*ck out of my house.

You know it's only a matter of time
before he ditches you, Cameron.

Six days, six weeks. Mmm.

He might even keep you six months

till Venturer finally
don't get the franchise.

Then he'll kick you out like all the rest.

Why are you here, Tony?

[inhales sharply] Oh…

I brought you a house-warming present.

I don't need evidence to punish you.

The retribution I have planned
will be far more painful.

[♪ Tense music playing]

This is gonna be fun.

- [kisses]
- [music ends]

[♪ Dramatic, operatic music playing]