01x06 - The Makeover

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Beeping)

♪ Something tells me

I’ve been dreaming ♪

♪ Of someone who was

never real ♪

♪ It’s seems I’ve changed

a thousand ways ♪

♪ I wish I looked

the way I feel ♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ah

♪ Ah

♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Braceface

♪

Hi, Alden.

(Sighing)

♪

Oh, hi, Alden.

The casual-yet-dignified

greeting is an art, and like

any art it must be studied,

rehearsed, honed.

Alden, uh, how’s it hanging?

Ugh, definitely trying too hard.

(Shouting)

(Groaning)

Warning, dignity and braces

don’t mix.

♪

Adam?

That’s our new neighbour

Hannah.

She’s to Adam what Alden is to

me, a doomed and unrequited

crush.

Huh?

Uh, allow me.

(Whizzing sound)

What happened over there?

Oh, Adam.

That last growth spurt turned

him into a total spaz.

So?

What’s happening this Saturday?

Uh, two-for-one smoothies at

Lifecycles?

Kidding.

One, it’s the Boardfest

Skateboard finals.

Two, my best friend Maria’s

riding in it.

And three, I’ll be there, I’ll

be there, I’ll be there!

That’s what I want to hear.

Let me help.

(Screaming)

SHARON: My gran says

heartbreak runs in our family

like a curse.

In other words, the Spitz kids

are fated to be losers in love.

♪

(Adam sighing)

I know you like Hannah.

How do you know that?

That drooling thing you do

when you look at her was my

first clue!

ADAM: Oh, you’re right.

I’m crazy about her!

But it’s hopeless.

She’ll never like a guy like me.

SHARON: That’s not true,

Adam.

I’m sure she could like you if

you just worked on a few small

things.

Like what?

Well, number one, you have no

idea how strong you are.

A simple hug from you could mean

asphyxiation.

Oh.

Okay.

And number two, there’s your

table manners, which, frankly,

suck.

Great, thanks for the tips.

SHARON: And number three--

And number 87, there’s the issue

of hygiene.

Sharon, you lost me back at

number four.

Oh.

You really know about this

girl stuff, don’t you?

Well, I am a girl, in case

you hadn’t noticed.

I hadn’t noticed.

So, like, do you think you can

maybe help me figure out how to

do this stuff?

You know that old expression,

“Those who can’t, teach”?

It donned on me that just

because I was doomed to a life

without love, didn’t mean Adam

had to share the same fate.

I’ll give it my best shot.

(Crunching)

Ow!

If this is gonna work, I need

your undivided attention.

No lip, no backtalk, you must

obey my every command.

Sir, yes, sir.

Okay, let’s roll.

ADAM: Two questions, sir.

Stop calling me sir!

What’s she doing here?

Maria’s my best friend.

Where I go, she goes.

Besides, I’m a girl, too.

Exactly!

You’re getting two experts for

the price of one.

’Kay.

Second question.

What’s he doing here?

Josh is here to help you

learn your own strength.

You may begin.

♪

JOSH: Whoa!

Needs work.

GIRLS: All right.

Next stop, table manners.

Now, what you want to try is

this rolling motion.

Then, smoothly into the mouth

like this.

Mmm.

MARIA: Ew.

SHARON: Maria, take over.

Oh, and one more thing, Adam.

No--

(Belching)

GIRLS: Belching.

♪

ADAM: What’s wrong with what

I’m wearing?

SHARON: Nothing, if you think

the pro wrestler look works for

all occasions.

Cool.

Oops.

(Giggling)

SHARON: Adam, you’re a new

man!

ADAM: You really think so?

SHARON: Absolutely!

Amazing what your happening

sister can do.

Come on, let’s get a smoothie to

celebrate.

Oh, no.

Come to think of it, I don’t

even like smoothies.

Nice try, Adam.

We’re going in.

ADAM: Hey!

Whoa!

Uh, mind if we join you?

No offence, but I just had my

toe cast removed.

I won’t break anything this

time, promise.

Okay.

Sit.

SHARON: Three banana

smoothies, please.

♪

You know how you can feel so

good one moment, and so lousy

the next?

Why, oh why, did I have to have

a crush on the cutest guy in

town?

Okay, aside from Caleb

Pelowski, a guy so gorgeous

he’s off the radar.

Hey, Spitz, how you doing?

Pelowski, pull up a chair.

And you are?

Sharon, my kid sister.

Gee, Spitz-- good looks run

in your family.

ADAM: Oh, Hannah.

No, really, I’d love to learn

yoga.

SHARON: I don’t even remember

what he said, something about

the difficulty of finding hair

products that give his hair

that healthy shine.

All I could focus on were those

gorgeous green eyes.

Hey, see you guys, tomorrow.

See you guys tomorrow?

See you guys tomorrow?!

As in plural?

As in me, too?

(Tolling)

PRIEST: Do you, Sharon Spitz,

take Caleb Pelowski to be your

lawful wedded husband?

You bet!

PRIEST: Do you, Sharon Spitz,

take Caleb Pelowski to be your

lawful wedded husband?

You bet!

ADAM: Earth to Sharon.

Earth to Sharon.

(Giggling)

I’ve got to thank you.

Hannah seems totally interested.

She asked me to meet her at

Lifecycles again tomorrow.

Uh-- I’d better come with

you, just to be on the safe

side.

Nah, it’s okay.

You’ve got better things to do

than hang out with my friends.

SHARON: No, I don’t!

I had to think fast.

Not hanging around Adam meant

not hanging around my future

life partner, and I simply

could not let that happen.

What I mean to say is Hannah

may be starting to like you,

but if you want her to really

like you, then my work has only

just begun.

Huh?

It’s time for the complete,

total, 100% makeover.

I’m not, like, having my

colours done, and no way am I

getting a perm.

Not that kind of makeover.

What other kind is there?

(Doorbell ringing)

MARIA: A Boardfest poster.

Gives you the times and dates of

all the skateboarding events,

plus it’s a lovely souvenir.

What do we know about Hannah,

so far?

MARIA: She wears comfortable

shoes.

She does yoga and likes wind

chimes.

And she reeks of patchouli.

Girls love guys who love the

same stuff they do.

Well, not always.

I know what to do!

What other kind of makeover is

there, you ask?

The internal kind.

(Gulping)

(Static crackling)

Are you sure about this?

Positive.

Just say exactly what I say.

♪

HANNAH: Tough exam on ancient

Egypt today, huh?

How did that make you feel?

Uh, how did that make you

feel?

I don’t know.

That I wished I’d studied more.

(Tuning)

Perhaps you had a negative

experience in a previous life.

Perhaps you had a negative

experience in a previous life.

As an Egyptian queen, and

that undermined--

As Jimmy Dean’s concubine.

Are you okay?

I’m great.

Very zen.

I find there are no cons to

meditation.

I’m great.

A ten.

I find I’ve got constipation.

♪

MARIA: Hey, Sharon.

I have the cassette you lent me.

That seat’s taken!

That seat’s taken!

By who?

By me.

By me.

Fine!

(Sighing)

MARIA: So, I’ll grab another

one.

Actually, this is really a

two-person table, and you know

how Bill gets if we move the

chairs around.

MARIA: Oh.

Sure.

I’ll just go sit by myself.

Solo.

Alone and lonely.

CALEB: Hey, Sherry.

Sharon.

Forgot my wallet.

Buy me a smoothie.

What flavour?

CALEB: Mango.

And while you’re at it, get me a

veggie burger and fries.

♪

Hey, Sharon.

SHARON: Hey.

About what happened at

Lifecycles--

Oh, forget it, really.

So, listen, this is gonna sound

dumb, but you don’t actually

like that Caleb guy, do you?

Caleb?

Me?

Of course not.

MARIA: Good, ’cause he-- he’s

so not your type.

Why not?

MARIA: I don’t know, he’s

just--

Too good for me?

Is that what you think?

MARIA: No, I think you’re too

good for him.

He’s so full of himself, and it

was pretty obvious he was just

using you to feed his snack

habit.

I never expected my best

friend to be jealous of me!

I’m not.

Please!

Talk about things being obvious!

Caleb does like me, and he’d

never use me, not in a million

years.

That was $14.99.

Put it on my tab.

Do you need to play that

here?

Uh--

It helps me find my inner child.

Poor baby.

You guys have plans for

Saturday?

Actually, I was hoping Adam

would help me build a yoga

gazebo.

I’d love to, but I can’t.

The thought of hammering that

nail into that wood, when that

wood was once a living,

breathing tree.

Then I guess we have no

plans.

What about you, Sharon?

Want to hang out this Saturday?

This Saturday?

No, the third Saturday in

November.

Of course this Saturday.

Well?

You have plans or don’t you?

No, no plans.

I’d love to hang out.

Okay, so you’re thinking I’m

pond scum.

(Dialling)

But honestly, truly, no

self-righteous faking allowed,

what would you do?

(Phone ringing)

Hello?

Maria, it’s me.

What do you want?

Uh, my great-aunt Bee died on

my dad’s side.

You’ve probably heard me talk

about her.

No, can’t say I have.

Well, her funeral’s this

Saturday, and you know, as her

favourite grand-niece I’m

expected to attend, so I can’t

make it to the skateboard

competition.

I’m really sorry.

(Dial tone humming)

What are you looking at?

(Whimpering)

I don’t like this, Sharon.

SHARON: You look great,

really.

(Doorbell ringing)

CALEB: Whoa.

Where’s the costume party?

We’re going to a costume

party?

No, we’re going to the park.

The Boardfest is about to start.

Oh, no.

(Crowd cheering)

(Shouting)

Wouldn’t you guys rather go

somewhere else?

Hey, Charlene--

Sharon.

CALEB: Go get me a pizza

slice, will you?

Okay.

Uh, better make that two, and

grab me a drink and some fries

while you’re at it.

Huh?

Maybe you could get me a

small drink.

Sure.

I’m not a happy camper, Sharon.

What are you talking about?

I feel like a dork in these

clothes, I hate the way I’m

acting, and I think I’m pushing

Hannah away.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

You can’t stop now.

We’re just starting to make

progress.

HANNAH: I can’t stand the way

Adam’s acting.

He’s not who I thought he was,

and what’s with the wind

instrument?

I liked the old Adam, the

strong, simple guy.

CALEB: I’m sick of all the

Spitzes.

Like, what’s with braceface

hanging out with us all the

time?

At first I felt sorry for her,

but what kind of a loser has no

friends of her own?

Adam, I didn’t--

No, it’s my own fault for

listening to my stupid little

sister in the first place.

Adam--!

♪

(Yelling)

(Gasping)

What are you doing here?

Would you believe my

great-aunt Bee rose from the

dead?

Sharon Spitz!

(Yelling in Japanese and

Spanish)

SHARON: I knew things were

bad.

Whenever Maria started mixing

the languages of her ancestral

heritage, it always meant the

same thing.

You were in her bad books big

time.

Adam, I am so sorry.

What’s that buzzing sound?

Like a mosquito, if only I could

squash it!

I wanted Hannah to like you,

I really did, but then I wanted

Caleb to like me more.

ADAM: Wait a second, you like

Caleb Pelowski?

Yeah.

Guy’s a doofus and a leech.

You know what he does whenever

we go somewhere to eat?

Pretends he’s forgotten his

wallet, so someone else has to

pay?

How did you--?

Oh, call it a wild guess.

I’m truly sorry, Adam.

I’ve ruined your chances with

Hannah and I’ve made my best

friend hate my guts all in one

day.

That must be some kind of

record.

So do something about it.

Excuse me?

It’s what I’m gonna do.

♪

(Knocking)

We’re not home.

SHARON: Then how come I can

hear you?

MARIA: This is not a real

person, this is a

voice-automated alarm system.

You now have 10 seconds to leave

the premises before the

electronic missiles attack.

"I’m so, so sorry.

"I broke the cardinal rule, I

let a guy get in the way of our

friendship, and even worse, I

let the wrong guy get in the

way.

"You were absolutely right, he

was using me.

"I’m an idiot."

A spectacularly huge, extra

large, off-the-map idiot.

I couldn’t have put it better

myself.

Hi.

And so eventually we got over

that bump and moved on.

♪

SHARON: Do one of those

toe-grab thingies.

(Clapping)

Woo-hoo!

Yeah, Maria, you rock!

(Hammering)

When Adam went back to being

himself, minus the toe-breaking

and the belches, Hannah liked

him all over again.

(Giggling)

As for what’s-his-name, I’m so

over him.

For one thing, this week he has

startling blue eyes.

Like, colour contacts, talk

about so last century.

You’d think the guy would just

try to be himself.

Watch this.

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

♪