01x04 - The Doctor Is In

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Beeping)

♪ Something tells me

I’ve been dreaming ♪

♪ Of someone who was

never real ♪

♪ It’s seems I've changed

a thousand ways ♪

♪ I wish I looked

the way I feel ♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ah

♪ Ah

♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Braceface

♪

(Whistle blowing)

CHEERLEADER: Thunder,

thunder, thunderation, we’re the

Mary Pickford Delegation!

When we fight with

determination, we create a great

sensation!

Whoo!

BOY: Lookin’ good!

(Whistling)

SHARON: Ugh, yet another

example of her pathetic,

unrelenting need for attention.

Hope she does the splits

again.

Hey!

Ouch!

MARIA: Look out!

(Gasping)

I hate it when she does that.

I just heard the best news.

What?

More than anything in the

world, what concert are you

dying to see?

No?

Yes!

Not Vice Grip!

Next month, our city, our

concert.

(Shrieking)

I hate it when they do that.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

So cool!

Do you believe it?

This is amazing!

Tickets go on sale Saturday.

We have to be the first in

line.

We’ll get front-row seats.

It’ll be the greatest.

Imagine, you and me and the four

hottest guys in the universe.

MARIA: Unreal.

SHARON: We’re sitting so

close I can see the sweat

pouring off lead singer Jason

Divine!

♪ Scent of you hangs

in the air ♪

♪ Your love gets tangled

Wait, I know.

After the show, they’re like,

"Why don’t you come and meet us

backstage?"

♪

Then we all hop in their car and

cruise to a totally cool club.

(Sighing)

You know we’re going to be

there.

There was no doubt about it.

That day felt like the official

beginning of everything.

All the good parts about being

a teenager were finally

starting to happen.

What did you just say,

Sharon?

SHARON: I said it’s gonna be

the best concert ever, so I

totally, totally have to go!

Hey, Mom, can you drive me to

wrestling practice?

Do you mind?

I’m talking about something

important.

What could be more important

than perfecting my headlock?

HELEN: Oh, no, look at the

time.

We’ve got to fly, Josh, you'll

be late for your lesson.

But I’m not finished.

SHARON: There’s just a few

details we have to go over.

Go and get your music.

(Gulping)

Sharon, honey, this isn’t a good

time.

Adam, if you want a ride, I’m

leaving now.

Come on, Josh.

JOSH: I’m coming, I'm coming.

Jeez, you’re giving me

indigestion.

Does that mean I can go?

We’ll talk about it tonight.

Oh, and I’d appreciate it if

you’d do the dishes.

Thanks, sprout.

SHARON: Ugh, gross.

(Knocking)

Mom?

Finished your homework?

Yes.

Okay.

Better get to bed then, it’s

getting late.

Hey, I haven’t had one of those

for a while.

About the concert--

What concert?

I told you all about it at

dinner.

Don’t you remember?

Sorry, honey, I was

distracted.

Mom, it’s really important.

Oh, yes.

The band you like.

The boys with all the tattoos

and body piercings.

It’s okay if I go, right?

Aren’t they the ones who

jump into the audience?

Yeah, but it’s just for fun.

Anyway, Maria’s asking her

parents, too.

We’re gonna bring our sleeping

bags and camp out overnight at

the ticket booth so we can get

front-row seats and--

HELEN: Whoa!

Wait a minute, back up.

There is no way you’re lining up

overnight to get tickets.

What?

It’s out of the question.

You’re too young.

Mom, I am not a baby!

Of course you’re not, but

that whole concert culture,

you’re just not ready for it.

Believe me.

Are you saying I can’t even

go to the concert?

That’s what I'm saying.

I take back that kiss.

♪

How unfair can you get?

♪

SHARON: Too young?

Can you believe it?

Definitely overprotective.

Now I’ll never see Jason

Divine up close.

And what’s worse, he'll be

making gaga eyes at some other

girl sitting in my seat.

Extreme bummer.

SHARON: All because of my

prison-guard mother.

Parents, can’t live with 'em,

can’t pay for the cell phone

without ’em.

Face it, my life is over.

Really, Sharon, don’t frown

so much, you’ll get more

wrinkles.

TEACHER: The bubonic plague

followed trade routes from the

East, arriving in Europe in

1348.

It appears the plague was passed

on through infected rodent

feces, much the same way E. coli

bacteria gets into hamburgers.

Rat poo, E. coli?

Gross.

Once afflicted, the only

thing a person had to look

forward to was a slow, painful

death.

NINA: Mr. Beardsley, I don’t

feel well.

High fever and aching limbs

was soon followed by oozing

pus-filled boils.

NINA: Excuse me, Mr.

Beardsley.

CONNOR: Man, oh, man!

What are you staring at, you

little puke?

Oh, my God, look at your

face!

What?

What’s the matter with my--?

(Shrieking)

Help!

It’s the plague!

I’ve got the plague!

(Shouting)

Class, sit down!

Right now!

Do you hear me?

NINA: Help, I’m going to die!

(Shouting)

Oh, no, I think I’m going

to--

STUDENT: It’s the plague!

STUDENT 2: Help, it’s the

plague!

STUDENT 3: Run!

NINA: Psst, Alden, over here.

Nina?

NINA: Oh, Alden, something

terrible is happening.

Save yourself while there’s

still time, it’s too late for

me.

ALDEN: Uh, Nina--

Figures she’d use this to get

in with him.

You don’t think he buys the

plague bit, do you?

Of course not!

(Nina shrieking)

ALDEN: What’s with her?

BOTH: Nothing.

(Sniffing)

(Shouting)

MARIA: Maybe it’s smallpox.

I thought they had a cure for

that.

NINA: I’m doomed.

Doomed.

May I have your attention,

please.

Boys and girls.

Free CDs to anyone who’s quiet.

(Hushing)

Just kidding.

(Groaning)

Now, down to business.

It appears a highly contagious

rash is spreading through the

school.

It is in no way

life-threatening.

There is no k*ller virus.

I repeat: no k*ller virus.

(Groaning)

We’ve all had a nasty scare

today.

In order to help us deal with

this crisis, I’ve asked someone

to speak with us.

She’s a psychologist who

specializes in trauma

counselling.

Please welcome Dr. Spitz.

Excuse me?

Good afternoon.

Some of you may know me as

Sharon’s mom.

Hi, Sharon.

How embarrassing is this?

HELEN: But today I’m here in

a professional capacity.

My job is to give you all an

opportunity to talk about what

happened.

Does anyone have any special

concerns?

NINA: Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Dr. Spitz!

Yes?

NINA: Do you think I can hide

these ugly blotches with my

regular cover-up or should I buy

a thicker concealer?

Well, now, that’s an

interesting question.

Of all the psychologists in

the world, why’d they have to

pick her?

Actually, your mom seemed

pretty clued in.

She could have her own talk

show, like Oprah.

Sure, she’s the perfect

mother to every teenager except

me.

HELEN: There you are, Sharon.

Oh, hi, Dr. Spitz.

You were awesome.

Thanks, Maria.

Gotta fly.

See you later.

Call me.

I thought we might walk home

together, if that’s okay.

I guess.

NINA: Dr. Spitz!

Dr. Spitz, wait!

Quick, duck in here.

Can I talk to you privately?

I suppose so, sure.

Do you mind waiting over

there?

We’ll just be a sec'.

Who did Nina think she was,

anyway, muscling me out of the

way?

There she was whispering to my

mom like she was her best

friend or something.

Is she asking her about more

personal hygiene products or

how to cultivate an even more

annoying personality?

Thanks, Dr. Spitz.

See you Thursday.

What was that all about?

Oh, Nina’s gonna come and see

me for private sessions.

Somebody please tell me this

wasn’t happening.

My archenemy was seeking out my

mother to solve her dumb

problems, and at that same

time, that very same mother was

ruining my life.

What was wrong with this

picture?

♪

(Clapping)

Nice moves.

Ever heard of knocking?

Personally, I find Vice Grip

too juvenile.

I mean, pink hair?

Please!

I don’t think I heard anyone

ask for your opinion.

In fact--

HELEN: You’re here, Nina.

Good.

Come on in.

Hi, Dr. Spitz.

Thanks again for fitting me in,

I know how busy you are.

Oh, my.

Yes, well then, right this way.

Little miss suck-up.

What’s she doing here,

anyway?

SHARON: I don’t know.

Probably trying to get advice on

how to wrap more grown-ups

around her finger.

Yeah, or how to get Alden to

like her.

Alden?

You think my mom’s giving her

tips on how to get Alden?

She wouldn’t!

Would she?

They’re probably having a

heart-to-heart right now.

Oh, Sharon, this could be

bad.

I have to get to the bottom

of this.

NINA: I know they envy me.

"She’s so lucky," they think.

Head cheerleader, ace student.

But hey, I can’t help it if I'm

better than they are.

Truth is, I work at it.

They think it’s easy being me.

Ha!

They have no idea of the

pressure.

Sounds like being popular is

important to you.

(Sighing)

It’s the burden I must

suffer.

Before the whole rash escapade,

I took my natural good looks for

granted.

That’s when it hit me.

What if I wasn’t the most

popular girl at Mary Pickford

Junior High?

What if I was just an ordinary

girl with splotches on her face?

(Buzzing)

(Thudding)

Do you need something,

Sharon?

I-- just wanted to tell you

I’ll make dinner.

How thoughtful.

JOSH: There’s these people,

they drill holes in their

skulls.

Say it makes them smarter,

’cause more oxygen gets to their

brain.

I saw it on TV.

ADAM: I remember that.

Blood was gushing everywhere.

It was awesome.

HELEN: I’m trying to eat.

Sharon, thank you for making

dinner.

Mom, about the concert--

Oh, honey, don’t start.

Please, I’m begging you.

Tickets go on sale the day after

tomorrow.

It’s my last chance.

Sweetie, I thought we

discussed this already.

I’m not comfortable with you

going to this concert.

SHARON: But everybody’s

going.

HELEN: Everybody is not.

Nina Harper isn’t.

So is that what you’re doing

in those sessions?

Comparing me to her?

I’m just saying not everybody

is going.

If you’re so interested in

Nina Harper, maybe you should

ask her to be your daughter!

Sharon!

For your information, Nina

Harper is nothing more than a

super-sucky super-phony,

I’m-a-cheerleader,

watch-me-do-the-splits girl!

(Door slamming)

You know, she really ought to

learn how to deal with her

anger.

(Laughing)

I can’t believe my mother.

She’s so-- so-- so doesn't get

it.

What’s her problem?

How could she not realize how

important Vice Grip is to me?

Huh?

And how can she even sit in the

same room as Nina?

I wish that rash was the plague,

and then Nina wouldn’t be around

to torment me.

But then I’d probably get it.

(Sobbing)

Bet my mom would be sorry then.

(Banging)

Come on, Connor.

You’re being paranoid.

Let me in.

It’s for your own good.

The rash isn’t contagious

anymore.

Besides, I’ve been around lots

of people who have it.

Tell you what, I’ll open the

door a crack, but for your own

sake, keep your distance.

It’s about my mom.

I’m so mad at her.

She doesn’t care about anything

I care about.

But she has all the time in the

world to listen to complete

strangers, including Nina

Harper.

You’re talking about her

work.

Why are their pathetic

problems more important than

mine?

For one good reason, they pay

her.

But she went through

childbirth with me.

You have a point.

Maybe your problems aren’t big

enough.

What do you mean?

CONNOR: Face it, you’re a

normal kid.

The worst thing that’s ever

happened to you was getting

braces.

No, that’s just the worst

thing that’s happened to me this

year.

If having bigger problems was

gonna get my mom’s attention,

fine.

One thing I knew for sure, I

could come up with something a

lot better than Nina’s

all-consuming popularity

crisis.

JOSH: Cool outfit.

SHARON: Go away, Josh.

This is important.

♪

Josh!

♪

HELEN: Let me guess, theatre

arts project, right?

Nice to see you two working

together for a change.

I’ll be in my office if you need

me.

(Groaning)

(Meditating)

(Speaking in tongues)

Now I get it.

You’re doing a scene from

Hamlet, right?

The part where Ophelia’s going

mad.

Very believable, dear.

Bravo.

(Groaning)

I thought you said your mom

wouldn’t let you.

Let’s just say I'm taking

matters into my own hands.

So, are you coming or what?

♪

SHARON: This is way cool!

(Gasping)

♪

Hey!

(Beeping)

What’s that?

Wow, 9:30 already.

What are you doing?

Well, we’ve got to go.

You know, 10:00 curfew.

What are you talking about?

Aren’t you staying the night

with me?

I never said anything about

staying the whole night.

Are you crazy?

My father would k*ll me.

I can’t believe you.

What?

You’re gonna stick it out?

Of course I am!

I thought that was the plan, so

we can get front-row seats when

the box office opens in the

morning.

Yeah, but I guess I never

believed we’d really do it.

Fine.

Do what you have to do, but I’m

not leaving.

(Tires screeching)

HELEN: Sharon Esther Spitz!

I was worried sick!

How could you?

After I explicitly said no!

I don’t know.

HELEN: What?

I said I don’t know why I did

it.

Maybe we should make an

appointment and discuss it, Dr.

Spitz.

Since when do we need an

appointment to talk to each

other?

Forget it.

Does this have something to

do with my seeing Nina Harper?

Seems to me when people come

to your office, you listen to

them, but I just get treated

like a kid.

Because I wouldn’t let you go

to the concert?

I was perfectly fine out

there.

Nothing would have happened to

me.

You weren’t scared all by

yourself?

No.

Not even a teensy-weensy bit?

Well, maybe just a little.

And maybe I was being a

teensy-weensy bit

overprotective.

I mean, for the most part, you

are pretty responsible.

At least, you were.

I’m sorry, Mom.

Me, too.

And I promise we’ll start

spending more time together.

SHARON: And we did, because

for the next two weeks, I was

grounded.

Nina’s rash cleared up, and

with it, so did all her

problems.

Which was good news, actually.

She got her peaches-and-cream

complexion back and I didn’t

have to put up with her around

the house.

Do you know what day it is

today?

The last day of my sentence.

That’s right.

You’re no longer grounded.

And to celebrate, I got you a

little present.

Open it.

SHARON: Oh, yeah!

Woo-hoo!

This is the ultimate coolest

present you’ve ever given me!

I can’t believe it!

You’re the best!

♪

True, they weren’t front-row

seats, and Maria finally ended

up getting that rash-plague

thing and couldn’t even come,

but I guess I got almost

everything I wanted from my

mom.

Just not exactly the way I

imagined.

♪