01x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

♪airy
synths♪

You can't punch
somebody in the face,

and then tell them
you love them.

That- that is not
the equivalent

of punching you
in the face.

History is catching
up with you.

This "maybe it's
time to...separate,"

do you feel like you're


Yes.

You know, knowing
what we know now,

if we were gonna get
married...tomorrow,

he wouldn't.

I mean, you'd be
an idiot to.

I'd be a great
therapist.

[clears throat]

-[laughs]
-[Orna] Say what would be

-your approach?
-Because-

I think

I- I think it'd be like a-
the "no bullshit" approach.

I think I would just
take the head off-

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

-shake it out-
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

Put it back on, turn
'em around, pssht-

out the door.

And just skip...

ugh, this part.

-[laughs]
-[laughs]

[Orna]
Skip...

all the kind of emotional
attunement part?

[laughs]
No, it's not-

-A little bit, yeah.
-[laughs]

Yeah, just-

let's just get

-back in the game.
-Mm-hm.

♪groovy bass and
drum beat♪

Smell that.
It smells good.

So, I've had, like,

this sort of obsessive
crush- [laughs]

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-that, like, I've talked

-to Lauren a lot about.
-[Orna] You've mentioned.

I kind of, like...

put a feeler out
for this crush-

to this crush,
and, um...

he, like, didn't
take the bait,

and then I was, like,
a little dejected.

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

Then I sort of, like,
realized, like,

"Oh, this crush
is like, a just-

it's a distraction
from the pain I'm in.

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

And, um...

it's really frustrating 'cause
this distraction's not working.

-Like-
-[laughs]

If this crush would
just, like,

blossom into what
it could blossom into,

-it would be so helpful-
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

To just distract me from
what's actually going on...

and...

what's actually
going on is...

the whole
pregnancy thing.

Mm-hm.

[Sarah]
I...

fell into this
belief that

the only way to be valuable

and the only way to be treated
like a precious object

was to be pregnant.

I thought maybe it
would make her...

treat me b-
differently.

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

Can you describe moments
where you feel...

taken care of?

When we actually
have time and space

just to sit and talk.

[Orna] Mm-hm.

Like, there's nobody that
sees me like she does...

and...

no one that supports
me like she does...

but it's more of l-
like, it's like the...

day-to-day stuff
that gets tricky.

[Orna] When there's
less- less time.

[Sarah]
Yeah.

We had a big fight
on Saturday

'cause we were, like,
picking up the house,

and...

I was making
the bed,

and she, like, h-

was doing something
at the vanity, and

she threw a piece of
trash onto the bed

while I was
making it.

And, like, she
didn't know I-

she didn't realize
I was making the bed.

Even though I was
right next to her.

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-And, like...

I...

-was like, "For real?"
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

She's, like, completely unaware
of what's going on around her.

Yeah.

-[laughs]
-That's true.

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-It's bonkers.

I am, like...

taking care of
myself.

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-I'm also...

taking care of Sarah.

Like, I'll normally
make the coffee,

-and, like-
-Mm-hm.

[Lauren] that, like- in
that argument, she...

said in a tone that- that
somehow that-

that just set
me off.

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

Because it- it sets me off
in a very defensive...

way,

and I don't react
well to it.

Mm-mm.

-I-
-[Orna] You said last week

that you would like
to figure out

a way to become
less defensive.

[Laren]
Yeah.

I go down a rabbit
hole with it.

Like, I start
feeling like-

like she's looking at me
in- as if I'm a bad partner.

-Oh my god.
-And then I'm just-

I know, that's what
I'm saying.

-Like, this is the problem-
-[Orna] But wait, say it. Don't-

W- wait.

[Lauren] Yeah, I-
I mean, that's-

She's looking at me
as if I'm a bad partner.

-[Lauren] Yeah.
-Keep going.

And while she's
cleaning up,

I'm just kicking up my
feet and f*cking around,

and...

that, like, that
really sucks.

Do you always go
to the same place?

I think so.

[Orna] So what
is that place?

How do you think you
are in that moment?

Who- who is- Sarah's
viewing you like-

That she's
fed up.

[Orna] That she's fed up
with you because you're-

Not what she
wants me to be.

Like, what do you
think that's-

what's in that
for you?

I mean, I think a lot of it
stems from my ex-wife.

[Orna]
How?

I feel like I tried really
hard to be a good partner.

[Orna]
You tried what?

I mean, I tried to be what
she wanted me to be.

Which is?

I mean...

for her, it was
a man...

and I truly tried
to do that.

I tried everything
I could...

-for a long time.
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

And then, like...

you know, I used to have
these kinds of fights...

with her, and I
think it was like...

like, I'm trying
so hard, and...

pick at me for
small things-

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-When I'm trying to give you

everything.

[Orna] When actually,
I'm making

an enormous effort.

Forget about these
small things.

I'm actually trying,

i- in, I guess, in the
case of your wife,

to be someone
I can't be.

Yeah.

[Orna] Or someone
that negates me.

Yeah.

♪bluesy
music♪

You knew I can't
freakin' sta-

I can't stand him.

-He knows that too.
-I know he knows that.

I w- I can't fake it.
I can't fake it.

[Elaine] The last time
that we were here-

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

My mind did not accept
what you said,

-but my body reacted.
-[Orna] About the trauma?

Yeah, but my
body reacted.

Try to describe the
physical sensation.

[Elaine] I was s- I was
sweating, but cold.

-Mm-hm.
-[Elaine] I f- felt shaky.

My heart was
pounding, and...

my face was
twitching...

and I was like,
"Holy cow, all right."

I'm like, "Okay."

But I know what
that is because

I had a similar
experience before.

Um...

when your mind doesn't
accept what is,

and your body
reacts to it.

I- When my mother died,
um, I went to work,

-and-
-What do you mean?

[Elaine] So I get the call
that she dies, and...

I'm like, "Okay, thanks
for telling me."

and...I went to work.

Regular day.

I'm at work,

and I'm sitting at
my desk, and...

all of the sudden,

I started getting hot...

but I was cold.

I was sweating.

Tears were coming
out of my face.

I went into a
conference room...

and I locked the door,
and I just let it do its thing.

I didn't even go
to the funeral.

I didn't go to
none of that.

I truly believe that
the body is a shell,

and I don't need to
look at the body.

I feel like the spirit
is- is what it is,

and if you're gone,
then you're gone.

Your spirit is
what lives.

And I feel you, you feel
me, and we're good.

You know you
used your-

You repeatedly said
the word "shell."

[Elaine]
Mm-hm.

But I'm thinking
of you...

going to work...

-when you heard that she died.
-Mm-hm.

And then...

you didn't say
"I cried."

You said, "Tears were
coming out of my eyes."

[Elaine] 'Cause I
wasn't crying.

Right.

So, it- it makes me
think of a shell,

like, you're acting
like a shell...

Mmm.

[Orna] That you- you're
kind of separating yourself

-from all the meaning-
-Mmm.

[Orna] the- the
painful meaning...

-of what you're describing.
-Mmm.

-I feel like-
-Turbulence and

upset and disappointment
and terrible tragedy-

That serves me no
purpose.

-[Orna] To be connected to that.
-Absolutely.

[sighs]

You know when I
was saying to you

certain experiences that
you're having with Desean

are informed by...

stuff that you
haven't processed-

Mm-hm, mm-hm,
mm-hm, mm-hm.

[Orna] That's the
source of that.

-Mmm.
-[Orna] The stuff that you don't

-wanna touch-
-Mmm.

whhpt, come together,

and get projected
on him

like a screen.

Mmm.

I've really been
trying to...

dig through
some things.

You know, like...

something happened
that wasn't a big deal,

and it annoyed me...

but I didn't- I- I-

I kinda sat with it...

to- to- to digest,
"Okay,

why are you thinking
this way?

What's- why are you
thinking this way?"

He never knew,

it went without
a hitch.

[laughs]

He didn't even feel like
anything was wrong

'cause I didn't even-

Right?

Why do you look
like that?

[sighs]

[Elaine] Why do you
look like that?

I- I wish that didn't
exist, though.

I need to work
through it, Desean.

It's not just gonna

automatically leave,
right?

No, I get it.

-And-
-But, no I just- so,

everything since
last week

has been light,
meaning...

We- we've been
great.

It's been o- it's
been cool.

W- when I heard
her describe that,

I'm thinking,

"What did I do...

to trigger her,"
you know?

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-And maybe I have to be

careful, you know?

Oh no.

-And- and I just said I'm not-
-That you're going back-

-[Desean] Yeah, yeah.
-to your default position.

[Desean]
Yup.

But you know,
it feels like...

You're not gonna
like me anymore.

You're not-
you- you're-

-you're not gonna-
-Oh.

[Desean] you know,
you're not gonna...

love me anymore.

You're not gonna...

l- look at me the
same anymore.

[Elaine]
Mm-hm.

And now that luster
is gone, and-

[Elaine] Mm-hm.

You don't like
me anymore.

If you what, sh-

Elaine's not gonna
love you anymore?

If you said...

I've upset you,
or you're upset-

[Orna] Any upset
that you cause-

Any upset that I
cause with- with-

[Orna] Means you
are gonna lose the love.

Yeah.

So, your way of keeping
your connection...

is by making sure
you don't upset?

Yeah.

[Orna] Okay, that-
that we- we-

we should spend
some time on that.

[laughter]

It's kinda-

I'm not a
fickle person.

No, that's me though,
that's my issue.

[Elaine] I say that
to say that...

that's not gonna-

I- I know that you- that's
not gonna happen-

-Yeah.
-[Orna] Desean is saying

that's his part
in the puzzle.

Ah, okay, okay,
okay, okay.

♪airy
synths♪

[inaudible]

[Alan] She told me when
we went out to the dinner,

she had been
looking

at places
already, like...

-[Orna] Mmm.
-Yeah.

So it's just like a...

Weird.
[laughs]

Weird, but sounds
like you're in touch-

-[Alan] Weird, but-
-with the fact that it hurts.

Yeah,
oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It makes me think
about it more, like...

is this something you
really wanna do, like...

you know?

When we first
started dating,

we were out to dinner, and I
remember she told me, like,

what expectations she
had for the person

that she was with.

And for whatever
reason, that always...

resonated with me.

Like, that's what I've
spent these years

trying to do to
make sure, like...

-That you meet that-
-Yeah.

-[Orna] Expectation.
-And, like...

she doesn't give a
sh*t about that.

You're finding yourself
resentful because

it seems like you're
never meeting it.

You're always
somehow-

There's some way that
you're falling short.

[Alan]
Yeah.

I don't think she's ever
stopped or thought, like...

"This person's trying
to make my life better."

[Orna]
Yeah.

Haven't I always made sure
you were on top of stuff?

Made sure you
had insurance...

[voice breaking] so you
could take care of things.

[sniffs]

Yes.

Alan, I wouldn't say
that I never thought

that you were
trying to, like-

Well, you f- you make
me feel like that.

You really feel
like that?

You-

I- of course I feel like that,
that's why I'm telling you.

I never- I never
knew that, Alan.

Like, you've never
expressed that, like-

that you felt
like that.

Because it's like I- I
just don't wanna make

a- a thing about
anything.

Like, I'm- m- my
approach is different.

-[Orna] Right.
-Like, I just, like,

tuck it away.

-I don't say anything.
-[Orna] Right, but that-

the business of tucking things
away doesn't really work

to sustain a
real marriage.

But I think...

the way I've been handling
it is that, like...

go into this disbelief
that she-

and I resent her for it,
like, and I just don't-

-Yeah.
-[Orna] Right, but then you grow

increasingly...

miserable and
resentful...

not feeling good
about yourself,

and resentful...

that your efforts
are not recognized.

And I assume...

that some of these
behaviors just...

slip away

and you start
acting...

shady.

They're almost like...

passive aggressive
ways of getting back...

at Evelyn...

for making you
feel bad.

Maybe even I'm gonna
punish Evelyn

s- unconsciously.

-Maybe.
-[Orna] Maybe?

Maybe it might
tied into that.

-Like-
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

it's almost just kinda
like a...

you know,

-"forget you" kinda thing.
-[Orna] Yeah.

-Like-
-[Orna] Yeah.

-I'ma do my own thing.
-[Orna] You make me feel bad.

-I'm just gonna...
-Yeah, so I don't care you

or your feelings.

-[Orna] Yeah.
-I mean, sure.

[Orna] By operating
this way,

you weaken the
relationship.

Yeah.

[Orna] So you
weaken it,

and then it's harder
to trust it.

♪tense
strumming♪

We're back.

[Orna] You're back,
but you're back-

[Annie]
Today.

To- for today?

-This is our last session?
-[Mau] Yeah, this is it.

-[Annie] Yes.
-Okay.

[Annie] We've been
here 11 times.

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

So, that's almost
four times...

we've ever gone to
any therapist before.

[laughs]

No, like, what's the
most we've ever gone?

-Like, three-
-[Annie] It's three sessions.

Yeah.

Well, I appreciate that
you spent at least-

-[Mau] Yeah.
-this much time with me.

First of all,
how are you?

Mixed.

Right?

How are you?

-[Orna] Mixed, tell me.
-Mixed, yeah

Yup.
[clears throat]

Can you tell me?

[Mau]
Our life is...

so...

good.

There's- there's
elements that-

that now here,
like,

she won't play golf.

You know, I'm like, "How
awesome would it be

to play golf?"

But it's never
happening, right?

And I- and
I let go of it,


let go of it,

and there's a bunch
of things like that.

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

[Mau]
But...

it really is about...

just...having sort
of more life...

with Annie.

-[Orna] More life with Annie?
-[Mau] Right.

-And then, um-
-Mm-hm.

So that when you
look at that,

I'm like, "Eh-"

I mean, you could
always find something

to complain about.

Uh, it just seems...

unnecessary,
so I guess...

you know, this
morning, I was...

We had a little
bit of a...

problem this
morning.

And, I was...

getting, like, angry.

I was, like- I was even
getting, like, mean,

but I wasn't- but I
wasn't saying it.

It was all inside.

and, like, you know, part
of it was I was working on

the best ways to
express myself.

-Uh-
-Good.

[Mau]
and not-

not in a good sense.

Just, like, in the most
efficient way of-

-Not good. [laughs]
-[Mau] Not good.

And, um...

and then I was thinking
about it, and I was like...

just like-

like, don't.

Like, y- you know,
but I said,

"Fight that sensation.

Like, it's gonna pass.

It always does.

Can you say something
about those things

that are causing you...

some level of
discontent,

or want, or...?

It's not
sympatico .

We're not- we're not
in the same place.

In certain domains.

-Well, and then-
-[Annie] No, in general.

Yeah, in general.

And in terms of reacting
to what you said-

[Mau]
Mm-hm.

I- I'm touched by
what you said.

But I'm still kinda
scratching my head

because when we do
get the opportunity

-to be together-
-[Mau] Mm-hm.

You're uncomfortable.

Like, I don't know
what this thing-

these life experiences
you wanna have with me-

-I mean, yes-
-[Orna] Because when you do

go out, or when you
do have the chance,

-you're saying Mau is-
-[Annie] We're not-

we don't have fun.

It's just like that feeling of
just an intense incompatibility.

We are really
incompatible.

[Annie] So our
son is 14-

-about to be 14.
-[Orna] Mm-hm.

[Annie] We have four
or five years left

on the clock
of, like,

we need...

this sort of lifestyle
for our son.

In five years is the
first opportunity

where we get
to say, like...

"We, as individuals,
can go wherever we want.

We can do whatever
we want,

-and it's-
-Kinda, I mean-

Sort of.

Well...

to our abilities...

but I mean,
we're not bound.

We're much
less bound.

-[Mau] Why are you being-
-What are you trying to say?

I'm not, go ahead.

You know what?
I don't need to do that.

-Go ahead.
-[Annie] Tha- thanks.

I don't think I
wanna do this...

after- I don't wanna
be married.

[sighs]

Yes, I can see how we
can be more peaceful

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-[Annie] I can see

how we can be less...

entangled.

-[Orna] Mm-hm.
-And-

but I don't see how
we're gonna be

any more compatible.

I mean, you can close
the door on yourself

-for hours.
-[Mau] Mm-hm.

-And I'm bored.
-[Mau] Mm-hm.

I'm so bored.

I don't wanna sit
around and watch TV.

You want more Mau?

You want more Annie,
you want more Mau...

in different ways.

[Annie] No, I don't
want more of him

Because when I think
of the things I want to go

and be doing,
he's not a good-

[Orna] He's not gonna enjoy
it the way you're hoping.

[Annie] He's not a
compati- compatriot.

[Orna]
Mm-hm.

Like, you brought
up golf.

-[Mau] Sure.
-Right?

[Mau] I did bring
up golf.

It could've been tennis,
could've been Scrabble.

Could've been anything
intellectual.

Eww.

Seriously?

I'm not coming to
you with garbage,

You're like, "I just
wanna play golf,

and I'm mister, like, specific."
-I'm not doing anything.

[Annie] Like why- that's
what you're doing.

You're flipping
what I like

into being illegitimate,
or overly indulgent.

That's what
you do,

and you do
it to me.

Mm-hm.

And so, you can't
be there,

and I understand that
you can't be there,

but your strategy of
explaining to me

why you can't
be there

has been to
sh*t on it,

and then the narrative is
that I yuck on your yum.

Yeah, i- it's not.

It isn't to
sh*t on it.

Go to the f*cking
farmer's market.

I'll even go
with you.

This is bullshit that-

But I'll go with
you golfing, too.

-I'll r- I'll dr-
-[Mau] No, you won't.

-Yes, I will!
-[Mau] No, you won't!

I'll drive the cart
if you let me.

[sighs]

-But you- you-
-[Mau] A- Annie, you're

f*cking delusional.

It's this endless,
like...

scorekeeping that
you do that is-

I don't feel bad
for myself.

That's not who I-

You- you
misunderstand-

But why do you
think Annie's

doing the
scorekeeping?

-[Mau] Wh- I- I just-
-What do you think

the motivation is?

I- It's not- it's not
deeply motivated.

It's a- it's a function of
confusion, that's...

-Mmm.
-[Mau] Okay, I mean, i-

what would you
like me to say?

-How can I describe it?
-I don't know.

I don't know what
the motivation is-

-[Mau] I do.
-But if someone is scorekeeping,

they're usually trying
to address something.

Well...

right.

Usually what they're
trying to do

is they're trying
get an outcome.

What's the
ultimate goal

-that Annie has with you?
-[Mau] Well, she-

I mean, for a
long time...

y- you know, she's needing
me to be the bad guy

'cause then that
resolves the issue.

Turn out, I'm not.

-Mm-hm.
-So, then

she needs it
to be this...

incompatibility, which
actually does exist,

but you're-

the way that you're
focusing on it,

I think fails to address
the problem-

But what do you think
the problem is-

-Well, the- the- the really-
-fails to address the problem?

Go ahead.

Okay.

The problem is...

she doesn't like
me that much.

She wants to
be in a-

in a different
relationship.

She doesn't want to be
in this relationship.

And that's...

you know...

I think it's, uh...

I think it's...

we don't- I think that's
what you want.

And I think that- and I think
that it would be, like, a-

like, a- [sighs]
like you survived

something, and you got
to somewhere else.

And-

and instead of being
sort of, like, honest...

I think you're- you're
trying to concoct...

this- this background,
and-

and this conflict, and
these things,

and y- you'd be way
better off going,

"You know what?

No, you're not
a bad guy,

and I- I'm-

You're actually,
like, a good guy.

No problem.

I want something
else,"

and then...
working-

Then y- you could figure out
how to make that happen.

I don't think-

see, I thought that
that's what I said.

I said I want out.

What do you think about
what Annie's saying?

A- I mean,

I-

I think that she's gonna
get what she wants,

-but-
-[Annie] But when you say

"I want more
life with you-"

-Mm-hm.
-[Annie] I'm left

wondering what that
life looks like.

-[Mau] You- you're-
-If it looks like what it is,

I don't want it.

We- we've run
out of time.

-[Mau] Mm-hm.
-[Annie] Oh.

Um...

[Annie] We're out of
time in every way.

We can...

be better to
each other.

-Mm-hm.
-And I don't...

think you're a
bad guy,

and I don't think
you're a bad husband.

I think you're
a great husband.

Psh, I'm the best.

-You're the best husband.
-Mm-hm.

And I do love you...

but you're right, I don't
like you. [laughs]

I don't like how
you treat me.

[Orna]
Um...

okay.

[Annie]
So, that's that?

-That's that.
-[Annie] Okay.

Um...

♪slow bluesy
music♪

Take care of
each other.

-Psh, always.
-Mm-hm.

♪We've been
in a w*r♪

♪For how many
years?♪

♪Take many
more♪

♪You'd think
by now♪

♪We'd be tired
of the tears♪

♪Give in
somehow♪

♪Remembering
love♪

♪It's what we
came here for♪

♪[For]
♪

♪[For]
♪

♪Together
we're fire♪

♪Two hot
pyres♪

♪So we'll burn our
own house down♪

♪We've been
at w*r♪

♪For how
many years?♪

♪And how
many more?♪

♪Ooh woah
woah♪

♪Mmm woah
woah♪

♪When
love♪

♪is what I came
here for♪

♪[For]
♪

♪Ahh
♪