01x07 - Provincetown

[bunniefuu]

-[bus engine starts] -[doors hiss open]

[Brandi] Come on now! Let's go, go, go, go, go!

No pit stops.

If you need to go, the window's your toilet.

Oh, boy!

My first pet adoption ceremony!

I hope there's beautiful dresses,

a mashed potato bar,

and a flash mob set to Bruno Mars!

I think they're just gonna sign some papers with a nice pen.

What are you talking about?

They're flying in sand for the litter boxes from Dubai.

[Brandi] Seth!

-Let's go, let's go, let's go! -[whacking sounds]

If that drama queen don't want to come to Provincetown,

we're leaving his sorry a*s behind.

Oh, boy. You're dense, huh?

Like an adorable little block of lead.

-Stop embarrassing the both of us. -[grunting]

Engage your core or put me down.

I know you have a lot of baggage in P-Town,

but your old buddy Beef would be devastated if you missed his big day.

Beef's a big boy. He'll get over it.

-I'm staying here. -Ooh,

unfortunately, that's not possible.

Brandi Airbnb'd the rescue

-to a nice German family. -[bell rings]

[German accent] Does this cat want to come with us to throw pennies into /?

Then I will book myself a room at the Chelsea Hotel.

Hmm, Amanda Lepore owes me bucks.

Come on, Armando. You got to come.

Why are you going to this?

You don't even know Beef.

I've never been to one of these before

and my whole crew is going and...

also, Franny's gonna be there.

Oh, I see. You want to cozy up with your special little bar wench.

What? No!

She's just a... Aw!

Aw, shut up.

Armani, don't you want to hang out with me and my plus-one, Molly?

Or my plus-two, Mary Jane.

Or my plus-three, Eliza-meth.

[chuckles] That's what I call cocaine.

I appreciate the offer,

but I won't be "rolling my t*ts off"

at the site of my greatest heartbreak.

Fine. But you're gonna keep having bad dreams about the place

until you go back and face your sh*t.

[groans]

Just come with us.

We'll help you make new memories.

Hey, we could run into the ocean,

make out with a dolphin.

Go on a ghost tour,

-meet some g*y ghosts. -[sighs]

Fine.

But there's no such thing as g*y ghosts.

They prefer the term "phantom."

[doors hiss shut]

[engine revving]

-[tires screech] -[Seth] Uh, Brandi,

I hate to criticize you,

but this is a one-way street!

-Ugh, let me flip this b*tch. -[groaning, yelling]

Oh, my God.

-[yells] Oh! -[horn honks]

[Brandi] Shut the f*ck up

-and find me that aux cord. -[tires screech]

-I can't drive without my Imagine Dragons. -[alarm beeping]

[screaming]

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪♪

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

-[dolphin squeals] -[gulls calling]

[panting]

Oh. [giggling]

[gags, retches]

[gulls calling]

[grunting]

[indistinct chatter]

[bell rings]

[Bear] Bear Week?

Wow! A whole week celebrating me?

Yes, Bear. All these large hairy men are here for you.

I've got to call my adult son

and loudly tell him about this on the speakerphone.

[sighs]

[Seth] Watch out!

[tires screech]

[Brandi] Why would they put a hydrant in the middle of the drive-walk?

-[classical music playing] -Whoa.

[gasps]

-[Judy] Fancy. -[Kevin] Geez Louise.

-[Kevin] Mamma mia. -[Cupcake] Oh.

-[Kevin] Ooh. -Just one of the happiest days of my life.

Well, well, the Furrever Friends crew has arrived.

Can I get a whoop-whoop?

Whoop-whoop!

[laughing] Oh, my God!

That was fun!

None of these animals are in amethyst.

None of them are in amethyst!

Babe, give them a break.

They're color-blind.

They don't know what amethyst is.

Beef! Honey!

Alternate with water.

We've got a big day ahead of us here.

What has that poor b*stard gotten himself into?

I wonder if Franny's here yet.

You know, it's weird, but I'm...

I'm kind of nervous.

Like, i-i-it's a good nervous.

But why-why am I nervous?

-I don't know. -There she is.

-[yipping] -[laughing]

Oh. Okay.

No biggie. She's just chatting it up with a--

Luscious being of pure energy

etched into the stone of our reality by the divine.

Oh. So you took the drugs?

I took the drugs, Kevin.

Yes, I did.

[Armando] You know,

it's not too late to come to your senses.

And it's lovely to see you, too, Armando.

Come on. Admit it--

this thing's embarrassing.

I mean, tuna tartare tater tots?

You're a dry food man.

Actually, the tater tots were my idea.

I saw them on Pinterest.

You've clearly been brainwashed.

Did you drive all the way up here just to be a big b*tch on my special day?

Your special day?

This whole thing is for them.

I'm part of them.

And I'm really happy about that.

And if you can't be happy for me,

you don't have to be here.

[Mel] Oh, look at you.

Oh, hold on. Let me straighten your whiskers out a bit there.

Look at that little face. Hi!

-Hi! -He's right.

I don't have to put up with this sh*t.

Tuna tartare tater tot tonight?

f*ck, those are good.

[grunts] Excuse me!

[grunting] Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

I am so sorry.

I was just... [gasps]

[romantic music playing]

I was in a rush.

Because if I don't take these pills, I'll go into

-diabetic shock and swallow my tongue! -Diabetic shock and swallow your tongue!

I've been there. [chuckles]

Hi. I-I'm Clem.

I'm Judy.

No, you're two teen British boys coming of age,

'cause you're a Heartstopper.

[giggles] Oh, gosh!

Should we take our pills... together?

I'd like that.

-Aah! -Uh-oh.

Think that one was mine.

[chuckles] Are you okay?

[gulls calling in distance]

-[sighs] -[coughs]

You know, back in my day...

-Oh, f*ck me. -[coughs]

...adoption was someone finding you on the street

and tying you to a tree in their yard.

And, by God, you respected the tree.

-Uh-huh. -I am fed up

with this c*ck ceremony.

It is bullshit.

And it's exactly why I'm getting out of here.

Oh! Great idea!

Let's you and me get out of here.

-Whatever. -Hey, look at us.

Two friends doing things.

It's just like the movie The Bucket List!

-You seen that? -Maybe on a plane once.

[Bear] Oh. Do not get me started on the airline industry.

[Joanna] You know, people need guidelines.

Otherwise they're coming in here with all their pets.

"Plus-one" means one,

-either spouse or pet... -[sighs]

I've been here for, like, an hour. She hasn't even said hi.

I got to go... to the bathroom.

-Hey, hey! What's going on? -[yipping]

Hope I'm not interrupting anything

-over here. -[laughs, yipping]

Kev! Hey, man.

I saw you in there. I was gonna come say hi--

But-but-but-but I've been hogging her. [chuckles]

Showing her how soft my belly is.

So soft, right?

It's very soft.

Kevin, this is Chai.

Oh. Like the drink? Cool name.

Anyway, Franny, what are we doing?

People-watching? Showing each other TikToks?

-Oh! I have a good one. -[upbeat music playing]

Half the screen is a Family Guy clip,

and the other half is construction.

That's actually my new favorite way to watch TV.

Uh, Franny, Franny, Franny!

Before I forget, can I show you this big stick I saw?

I'll see your f*ck' stick.

I'm gonna steal her. Okay?

She's got to see it. It is so big.

It's-it's too big for me to pick up.

Kev, I think I got to see this stick.

Yeah, yeah, the stick.

Soft-bellied beautiful little b*tch.

[Judy and Clem laughing]

-Oh! -Ah! Wow! [chuckles]

Wow, my pus pocket's filling up fast today.

Probably because I'm excited.

Wait, you have a pus pocket?

I have a pus pocket!

It's where I keep my Lip Smackers. Mmm.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Litter mates reunited.

-Litter mates? -Yes!

They're brother and sister.

Oh, I love that scab...

-Ooh. I don't think she knows that. -[Chai] Fran! Fran!

Franny! Franny!

-[laughing] -f*cking dogs.

What are they bringing to the table?

They like bones?

That's macabre, right?

Kevin, you got to feel this card stock, man.

This was trees.

Trees who gave their lives to tell us about the sand ceremony

and the blessing of the scratching post.

Stop touching me.

"A drum solo from Joanna's pumpkin teacher."

What the f*ck is a pumpkin teacher?

Okay, I'm just gonna tell you, when I was growing up, I always wanted

to take pumpkin lessons. [sniffles]

'Cause I feel like every child deserves to pumpkin.

[Mel] Okay, everybody!

If you are ready to do this thing,

can I get a "hell yeah"?

Hell yeah!

Thank you all for being here today to celebrate our formal adoption of Baby B,

A.K.A. the Fuss Master,

A.K.A. Sir Purrs-A-Lot,

the one and only...

-Beef! -[awwing, clapping]

[singer to the tune of Pachelbel's Canon] ♪ Meow ♪

♪ meow, meow...

- Aw, he looks stunning. -[oohing]

You know, it's not too late for us to do a formal ceremony.

Seth, we've been over this!

I am ashamed of you!

I know.

♪ Meow, meow...

Do you, Beef, take Joanna and I as your hu...

human life partners?

I do.

And do you, Joanna and Mel,

take me to be your house cat?

-We do. -No doubt.

-♪ Meow, meow, meow ♪♪ -And now...

we will begin the paperwork!

[music stops]

Section one,

-Massachusetts state law defines... -[Chai] Franny!

I'll be right back.

Don't you go anywhere.

-Excuse me. -...or humans desiring

to house a mammal...

You know what? I think it's time to have a little chitchat with Chai.

-Come on, give me a hug before you go. -[grunts]

No. I'm scheming. Let me scheme.

...flies, praying mantis, worms...

♪ Good girl, gonna pee where I'm supposed to-- ♪♪

-Aah! -Chai. Oh, good, I'm glad

I was able to catch you, um,

away from Franny.

[gasps] Franny? I love Franny.

She's great. You want me to introduce you?

Yeah, I-I know Franny.

I actually knew her before you did.

But, uh...

you're a good girl, right, Chai?

Actually, I've been told that I'm the best good girl.

And you probably want to live with, like, a... nice lady?

A nice lady who treats me nice, yeah.

And I'll be a good girl for them, yeah.

Well... [exhales]

there's no easy way to say this, but Franny...

Well, Franny's a mean lady. She's bad.

-What does that mean? -What do you mean, what does that mean?

Like, how is she bad?

Yelling? Spray bottle?

Leaving you in the car with the windows up?

Acting like she threw the ball but she didn't?

-Dogfighting! -[gasps] What?!

Yes! She runs a dogfighting ring

out of the basement of the bar where she works!

And she loves it!

She loves a bloody dog!

No! She seemed so nice.

I know. But I've seen it-- I've seen it too many times, okay?

She finds a nice dog like you and then, boom, she's got 'em.

Ripping out throats, f*cking each other up.

Oh, no! I can't-- I can't rip out throats.

I have a soft belly.

Oh, God! Why can't I meet anyone normal?!

[crying]

That's right, Chai. Run along like the good girl you are.

Leave Franny to the bad boy.

Sneaky Kevin.

[percussive music playing]

Ah, good evening, fellas!

-Look at all these strapping bachelors. -[inhales, sighs]

Uncle Sam could use a few of these boys.

-Uh-huh. -Gosh, I should've retired here!

I hate it.

There are way too many selfish pricks.

Oh!

The c*ck & Swallow.

Seems like a great bird-themed watering hole

for two red-blooded American dogs to get a drink.

I'm not a do-- Oh, f*ck it.

I do need a drink.

-[dance music playing] -Ooh! Maybe I can get

a bird-watchers discount.

My son's in the Audubon Society.

A lot of talk about your son today.

He won't let me meet my grandchildren.

[Franny] Congratulations.

I have never cried during paperwork before.

And how did you two know each other again?

Oh. Mel and I both worked at that heritage denim and succulent shop in Greenpoint.

Yeah, it was the spot for bi millennial women and their boyfriends.

Uh-oh! We're sitting at the same table?

This is crazy.

Wait, your full name is Francesca Rigatoni?

Like the pasta?

There's a pasta called rigatoni?

Okay, you two, we'll see you on the dance floor.

But I am gonna need to tax you a couple of "let's f*cking go"s before we go.

-Let's f*cking go! -Let's f*cking go?

Let's f*cking go!

Okay, so, good news--

I think that annoying collie is gone.

Oh, Chai? You found her annoying?

Huh. She seemed okay to me.

A little pushy, but, uh...

Just do me a favor-- do not leave my side again.

You got it. You're the rigatoni,

I'm the marinara sauce.

-What's that? -You got to be kidding me.

Ooh, is it like arrabbiata sauce?

You know that one?

[gasps] Dude. Look.

It's the pumpkin teacher.

Ugh, why are his fingers so long?

[Franny] And is he, like,

married to the pumpkin?

There's a ring on the stem.

Oh, okay, now he's kissing it.

He really loves that pumpkin.

[Clem] Okay, okay, okay,

uh, who's your favorite singer?

One, two, three.

[both] Pink!

Oh, oh! What's your favorite color?

One, two, three.

[both] Blood!

Um, here's an interesting one.

Who do you want to marry?

One, two, three.

-Santa! -You.

[gasps] You want to marry me?

Yes.

And I want to kiss you, too.

I'd like that very much.

[both] Mwah.

-Wow. -That felt so natural.

-And socially acceptable. -[♪ LMFAO sing "Party Rock Anthem"]

♪ Party Rock is in the house...

Aw!

My mom used to sing this song to me.

Mine, too!

Let's dance!

♪ And we gonna make you lose...

-[laughing] -Oh, my sweet Judy.

Throwing a*s on your biological sibling.

You are crazy for that one.

Ooh.

How did I get up here?

-[crickets chirping] -[indistinct chatter]

-[dance music playing] -[cheering]

Thank you, Peaches.

Keep 'em coming.

I want to get, like, late 's Golden Globes drunk.

[chuckling]

These boys, they're so funny with their pranks.

In the bathroom, I saw one guy peeing into another guy's mouth!

-[laughing] -[sighs]

You're not gonna laugh at that?

What's going on with you today?

I don't know.

Seeing Beef all dressed up with those stupid people made me jealous.

Of what? Him having people?

You hate people!

I didn't always hate them.

[gentle piano music playing]

When I was a kitten, a-a man named Michael gave me my first real home.

Michael taught me to love music and art

and to seek out authenticity in the world.

We did everything together--

Sunday matinees at the community theater,

weekly salons at our house.

It was perfect until...

-He died? [sniffling] -No.

He fell in love with a woman.

A woman wildly allergic to cats.

[sneezing]

[Bear] So you're telling me this g*y guy

married a-a woman?

No! I'm saying I ended up with the one straight man in Provincetown.

And he chose his life with this allergic woman over his life with me.

So I haven't spoken to him since.

[sighs] Sorry if I've been morose.

I've been terrified we'd run into him all day.

Well, sounds to me like you're still torn up on the inside.

Like Chris Kyle, the American sn*per.

Okay...

Now, if you're Chris Kyle, there's an easy fix--

just go back into the desert, sh**t more people in the head.

k*ll shot. Blammo. Game over.

Land the plane, Bear.

But if you want to heal,

there's only one thing you can do.

[sighs] I guess I should stop running from this.

Don't worry, pal. I'll be right there with you.

c*ck & Swallow brothers for life!

[cheering]

-[indistinct police transmission] -[crickets chirping]

[slurping] Seth! What the f*ck is wrong with you, you little mope-a-dope?

You're missing out on this good cheese.

-I think I'll pass. -Oh, why?

Because there's a little dog spit mixed in with the cheese?

No. I just wouldn't want to do anything to make you more embarrassed of me!

[crying]

Ugh. He does this at every one of these g*dd*mn things.

-[grunting] -How did you get so good at the worm?

I got hit by a bus when I was six.

Made my spine way more flexible than it should be.

Oh. That's... sad?

Oh, no way, dude!

The worm is my super power.

-Franny! -Chai!

Oh, man. What are you, uh... what are you doing here?

I'm talking to Franny.

Look, I'm just gonna lay it out on the line here.

I was holding out for a nice lady,

but I'm not getting any younger.

And so if this is what it takes to be adopted,

I am ready to be a k*lling machine.

What are you talking about?

Kevin told me about your situation.

-Oh, boy. -And I am willing

to fight other dogs to the death

in exchange for a home with you.

-[chuckles] What? -Chai, baby,

you've had one too many Greenie martinis, I think.

Let me take you to the toilet. We'll get you some water--

You don't think I have what it takes?!

-[screams] Hey! -You want me to rip

this little b*tch's throat out right now?

-I'll do it! [growling] -No! Please! Stop!

What did you say to this dog?

I say so many things.

[gasping]

[whimpers] I did that in self-defense!

I will cover this place in your blood!

[snarling]

-[grunting, gasping] -[waiter] Ladies, ladies! Please!

-Franny! Please! -[grunts] Stop. Stop it.

-Franny, please, let me live with you. -Come on. [grunting]

Let me k*ll for you.

I'm a good girl!

[grunting loudly]

I mean, they're descended from wolves.

That's a wolf they let into this party.

What do I want? What do I want?

What-- Oh, there we go.

Ooh. [purring]

[Judy panting]

-Cupcake! -[gasps]

I have a huge secret to tell you!

Jesus, don't run up on me like that.

I'm sorry. But I'm in love.

With Clem!

I've only been in love once before,

but that was with a cloud,

and he moved to Europe.

This time it's for real!

Judy, Clem is your brother.

[gasps] What?!

Yeah. Seth told me.

And I would've told you sooner,

but then I started to ship it.

Anyway, I love you, Judes.

Even if you fool around with your brother.

This is just my luck.

Because he's the total package.

[groans]

So, are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?

You mean the pumpkin teacher having full intercourse

with his pumpkin wife in the parking lot?

No.

I guess I'm wondering why you told Chai

that my side hustle was operating a dogfighting ring?

Uh, I don't know. I think that my animal instincts kicked in or something.

I wanted to hang out with you tonight,

and she was all up in your business, so I guess I started...

resource guarding?

You see me as a resource.

I see your friendship as a resource, yes.

Male cats are very territorial.

That's why I went Sneaky Kevin.

Ooh. I'm gonna have to keep my eye on you, Sneaky Kevin.

-[Meow Mix jingle playing] -[gasps]

-Oh, here we go! -[cheering]

It's "Meow Mix"!

-This is our "Hey Ya!" -W-Wait,

what do cats think of "Hey Ya!"?

-"Hey Ya!" is our "Mr. Brightside." -Whoo!

-[cheering] -Hey.

Would you want to go have a beer down on the beach after this?

Yes! Please!

Seth, I've been thinking.

If it's that important for you

to stand up in front of all your friends and family

and admit that we sleep in the same bed,

then I guess we should probably start planning an adoption ceremony.

Oh, my God. I-Is it really happening?

[groans] I mean,

I do want to go to Williams Sonoma

and point one of those little g*ns at all the stuff I want.

Oh, Brandi, our ceremony will be so expensive!

I'll max out my Discover card!

g*dd*mn right you will!

'Cause we are getting Imagine Dragons.

And they will not be wearing no shirts.

Ooh! Their n*pples all hanging out and sh*t.

Brandi, may I have this dance?

Ugh, fine.

But you better leave room for the Holy Ghost.

Ooh! Whee!

There you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Clem, I have to tell you something.

Actually, I have something to tell you, too.

Okay, then let's do it at the same time.

One, two, three.

-I'm g*y. -I'm your sister.

So we'll have to sneak around.

Wait, what?

Oh, yeah!

I knew I knew you from somewhere.

Mom's uterus.

My hot new boyfriend is g*y?

Yes. Uh, I've had these feelings for a while, but I just wasn't sure.

But when I felt nothing after kissing a smoke show like you,

-it became clear. -Aw!

If only I had a bi brother.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

It's okay.

I'm proud of you.

[both] Mmm.

Hey.

Can brothers and sisters still bump and grind?

Oh, yeah!

So, are you a top or a bottom?

[gentle music playing]

[panting loudly]

[crickets chirping]

[playing piano]

-That's him, huh? -[sighs]

Yeah.

You ready?

Ready as I'll ever be.

You got this, brother.

[sighs]

[grunting]

f*ck you, Michael.

[laughing]

Way to go!

It was a wet one, too!

Yeah, those tuna tartare tater tots did not agree with me.

And then I had vodka sodas.

You know, the more I think about it,

those two jokesters drinking each other's pee,

they might've been a little g*y.

Bear, how many g*y people do you know?

Ah, okay.

Well, uh, my son. That's one.

Billy Joel. That's two.

You think Billy Joel is g*y?

[Bear] Any man who sings a song about wine is g*y!

[waves lapping]

[burps] Wow.

You can really taste the mango on the burp.

They put mango in, like, every beer now.

You ready to bounce?

Not really. Brandi booked us at a hostel in the basement of a Little Caesars, so...

[Franny] I don't like to think about space.

What goes on up there is none of my business.

-But the stars are pretty. -Yeah.

We never get to see the constellations out in Queens.

-Too much light pollution. -Ooh, look!

That one is my favorite.

Oh, yeah. That's Orion, right?

No, that's Josh.

He's the god of keeping it real.

Ah, right, Josh.

And that little cluster of stars there is his pager?

Josh doesn't go anywhere without his pager.

He's a nurse practitioner.

[shudders]

Uh, you cold?

Yeah, kind of.

Here. Hop up on my lap

and I'll tell you about all the cool guys up in the sky.

I'm gonna take you up on that because, for me,

all this sand is like sitting in a big toilet.

That is how I feel about the subway.

[both laugh]

-[burps] -This is nice.

You make me think I might want a pet someday.

[Kevin] Okay.

What about that one?

[Franny] That's Optimus Prime.

He is the leader of the Autobots.

But he got canceled recently for workplace harassment, so...

[Kevin] Stars, they're just like us.

[♪ Chøppersaurus sings "Little Bit Crazy"]

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's a little bit crazy ♪

♪ Just a little bit crazy ♪

♪ Oh, how I'm falling for you ♪

♪ Keep falling, keep falling ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ You wow and amaze me ♪ -♪ It's a little bit ♪

♪ little bit crazy ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ With the things that you do ♪♪

Chirp.