01x03 - Kitten Season

[bunniefuu]

[Kevin] Nothing like a lazy Sunday morning, right?

Is it Sunday? I-I don't know what day it is.

[laughs] Oh, Robert Mitchum's ba*ls couldn't have been that big.

[Judy] I'm reading, too.

Long drip, long drip, short drip?

How do they come up with this stuff?

You're breathing in mold, Judy.

-[rumbling] -Whoa!

[yowls]

-An earthquake? -[clattering]

But my pour-over hasn't fully bloomed yet.

Is it too late to pack a go bag?

[kittens clamoring]

Oh, no!

Look alive, y'all. It's kitten season.

-[Cupcake] Isn't it beautiful, Kev? -[air horn blares]

All the feral cats in New York raw-dogged each other,

and these are the babies.

Yeah, I know how sex works.

-Could've fooled me. -[pained gasp]

-[kittens chanting] Shred! Shred! Shred! -[Armando] Hey, hey.

Get off my book, you delinquents.

g*dd*mn it.

Now I'm never gonna find out what Shirley MacLaine did with those big ba*ls.

-[kittens chanting] Tyler! Tyler! Tyler! -No, no, no, Tyler.

-Listen up, team. -[air horns blaring]

Until these cutie patooties get adopted,

it's our job to keep them away from anything dangerous.

-[air hissing] -No stairs, no basement,

and especially no dryer.

It's bad for business if Yelp says

a bunch of kittens got Chernobyled in our Maytag.

One went in the microwave last year, and this kitchen still don't smell right.

-Oh, God. -[microwave bell dings]

Cheat day.

-[gasps] Oh, no, they shrunk everyone. -[laughing]

[gasps] Or maybe I got turned big?

They're kittens, Judy. It's kitten season.

A whole season just for me?

Aw, honey, you're not a new kitten anymore.

You're part of last year's collection.

-I am? -Yep.

One day you're a hot new item,

and before you know it, you're trash out on the curb.

Like me and Kevin.

Hey, I'm not trash.

It's like Seth said.

These guys need someone to watch out for them.

Like a cool older brother.

Someone to teach them about important bands like Pavement

and how to roll a doobie.

And I can teach them how to draw a hand turkey.

[hushed] The secret is tracing.

Uh-oh! Tyler's back at it!

I don't miss my mom!

[kittens cheering]

Nice move, Tyler.

Critical rizz flaw, though.

You didn't make sure enough honeys were watching.

Honeys are... honeys are girls.

Shut the f*ck up, virgin.

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ♪

♪ out on my own ♪

♪ Till you're home with me ♪♪

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

Yum, yum. This doggy loves dog food.

I am dog.

You can drop the act with me.

Is not act.

Is... acting.

Armando... I have huge news.

Is Madonna doing stand-up again?

No. Me and the Central Park Neigh-ers want you to direct our next production.

Pass. You know I'm retired.

And I'm not returning for your shitty all-horse theater troupe.

Why you do that? Why you retire from best business, business of show?

I can tell you in one word:

Patti.

[old-fashioned instrumental music playing]

From the moment she turned up, she was an undeniable talent.

Oh, and together, we made Broadway magic.

-[applause and cheering] -But then... things took a turn.

-[viewers gasping] -Patti stopped taking direction, poisoned

the crew against me, and made my life a living hell.

The theater just wasn't big enough for the both of us, so I left

and never stepped foot on a stage again.

But Patti?

She became its biggest star.

[Faye] Okay, guess we'll have

to find someone else to direct...

♪ Mame! ♪♪

[gasps] Mame?! You got the rights to Mame?!

I've wanted to get my paws on Mame for ages.

What is this Mame?

Mame is a beloved American musical

about a fun-loving, bohemian aunt who teaches her orphaned nephew how to live.

-Thank you. -Well, I can't pass this up.

I'm in! But let's get one thing straight.

It's my show, and I call the shots.

Oh, my God, of course!

Now I know I read as more of an Agnes Gooch.

But can I please play Auntie Mame?

Please, please, please. Please!

Would you be willing to drop pounds?

-I'm on Mounjaro. -Double it.

-[upbeat pop music playing] -[air horn blowing]

Aw, look at those little nerds.

Everyone else is having a blast.

We got to show them how to have a good time.

I'm gonna teach them how to do a somersault.

Aah!

Oopsies.

Hang tight, Judy. I'll go get a bike pump or something.

Hey, hey! What's good? I'm Kevin.

Um, we doing shots?

Jäger, Fireball, Friskies Sour?

That's bourbon with kibble floating in it.

Oh, no thank you.

Alcohol is so bad for you.

-Yeah, poison. -So bad.

-We just do coke and Molly. -Oh, yeah.

-Me, too. -[cat groans]

Let's sit by the pool. You dudes aren't catching any rays over here in the shade.

The sun is literally sky cancer.

-So toxic. -So hot.

Hi! I'm Judy!

I want to hug you all "hello," but my eczema is extra flaky today.

-[laughter] -I love this cat.

-You do? -That was so authentic and unfiltered.

-Authentic. -Unfiltered.

You know, if you like gross stuff, you should really check out my butthole.

-It's misshapen because of my brother. -[Dana] Kevin!

Wow. It's so good to see you make friends.

He used to lick himself raw if he even saw another cat.

Dana. What are you doing here?

Uh, the rescue posted a story about needing volunteers, so, surprise!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I told you I needed space.

And you got some space. [scoffs]

And I guess I just thought this volunteering thing might be like a--

I don't know-- a chill way for us to hang out?

Well, you thought wrong!

And showing up at my new home unannounced is wildly inappropriate!

Yeah, this seems kind of private.

-Bye, Judy! -Bye, Calvin.

I'll-I'll catch up with you later!

I might do a screening of, uh, Reservoir Dogs.

g*dd*mn it, Dana! You're f*cking up my sh*t!

Hey, volunteer, stop standing around and get to work!

What's your problem, yappy little gremlin?

You can't say "yappy"! That is our word!

-Ow! -Now, let's go! That was a warning bite.

-Ow! -Next time, I'm gonna break the skin.

Ooh. A Popsicle with no stick!

Yum! It tastes like nicotine!

[groaning]

[plop on sidewalk]

Okay, young lady, I think that's all of it.

-[stomach grumbling] -Oh, wait. No, it's not.

-Aah. Aah! -[groaning]

-And you need me... -Oh.

...to take a picture of this and email it to your internist?

You got to fax it!

Hmm.

"Gantron."

Now, that's a good kitten name.

I've earned myself another nap on this shelf. [sighs]

-[Seth] Brandi? My sweet cream puff? -[gasps]

I'm... I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Do we already got too many Gantrons?

No. It appears the vet we booked

for our kitten spay-and-neuter clinic today canceled.

-What?! -She had an emergency.

She said she "had to go to the Times Square Hershey's store

to try the new giant peanut butter cup."

But we can't move no merchandise if the merchandise still got gonads.

We need to hack them sacks!

I don't think you're understanding the situation.

-The peanut butter cup is really big. -Ugh.

-You know, if you need... -[Seth gasps]

...some snippin' and clippin', I'm your cat.

I spent months as a vet tech in Brazil.

-[upbeat, samba music playing] -It was ,

and Olympic fever had descended upon Rio.

[Brandi] I don't care about any of that sh*t!

This is America! And these are American gonads!

I see how it is.

[speaks Portuguese] Your loss!

I don't know, Brandi.

I believe in Cupcake.

Maybe we should give her a chance.

It's only major surgery.

[sighs] Okay. Fine.

-Huzzah! -But if this thing goes t*ts up,

it's your flat a*s on the line!

Uh, now, sweetie, Devorah says my flat a*s is off limits during arguments.

Well, f*ck Devorah!

I don't trust no shrink who don't go to church!

-[upbeat pop music playing] -[Kevin] Okay.

Now that Dana's not here to f*ck things up,

I can get back to helping those poor little nerds.

Oh, sh*t.

-Is that Charles Melton? -[Judy gasps] I saw him

on The Drew Barrymore Show!

Oh, no, they're probably

annoying the sh*t out of him, asking him for selfies.

The Drew Barrymore Show is the only show I watch.

It's on at the doctor.

Charles! Melton.

Sorry if the kiddos are hounding ya here, Charles... Melton.

Uh... yeah, no. Yeah, they're not.

You can't blame 'em, right?

They've never been around an award-winning actor.

Or an award-nominated.

Well, you should have been nominated. For an Oscar.

Gosh, that must have been...

-That must have been heartbreaking. -[Nina] Wait.

-You're an actor? -Yeah. But it's just my job.

It's not who I am.

We were talking about recycling.

I mean, does it even make a difference, or is it just theater?

Yeah, my friend KJ told me it all just goes to the dump.

What are we supposed to even do?

-Sad. -Quandry.

I think the question isn't, "What do I do?"

It's "Why has it been left to me, the individual, to decide,

-while corporations do nothing?" -[Charles] Wow.

-Wow, wow, wow. -Where the hell did that come from?

That was... so insightful. What's your name?

[laughing] I forgot.

She's Mother!

Yes. Judy is Mother!

Mother is mothering.

Okay, Judy is Mother, but I'm Big Broseph, right?

I can score you some nudie magazines, get you some cigarettes.

Hey, that's not cool. My friend OD'd last month.

-On cigarettes? -Aw. That's terrible.

[sighs] I give up. I don't... I don't understand you guys.

I'm sorry. Come on, Judy. Let's go.

Wait! No! Don't go!

You want me to stay?

We meant Judy.

You want to be my friend?

Yeah, girl. You're Mother.

I actually can't be a mother because my uterus is in my foot.

-[pulsing] -Major Mother vibes.

Okay, I'm-I'm done. I'm out.

Hmm. Let's see.

Cute kitten names.

Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz!

[chuckles] I bet nobody's come up with that one before.

-Hey, Brandi. -Oh, what now?

Did one of those little idiot kittens split his skull open in my dryer?

I don't know. I came here to reconnect with Kevin,

but you've got me wrist-deep in some old dog's watery sh*t.

Let's get something straight, sister.

You work for me now.

And if you don't do what I say, I'm calling the cops.

And trust me, I love calling the cops.

I bet you do, fascist.

f*ck you, Gap Outlet!

f*ck you, ratchet Snoopy!

Oh! You're a feisty one.

Maybe I like you.

Somebody to match my freak.

Sit down and help me do names.

If I "do names," can I go talk to Kevin?

Deal! Ha!

I'm a good girl who's good at deals.

Yeah, so...

I'm pretty sure that "Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz"

is what the Manson Family named one of their kids.

g*dd*mn it! I am so sick of having parallel thinking with Charles Manson!

-♪ La, la, la, la-la, la, la ♪ -Red leather, yellow leather.

-♪ La-la, la-la, la, la-la, la, la, la ♪ -Red leather, yellow leather.

♪ Rubber baby, baby bumpers ♪♪

[singing scales]

♪ Horse ♪♪ Aah!

-Ow. Ow. Ooh, ow. Ooh, ow. -[singing continues]

Dimitri, don't blow this for me.

Peter, only foolish moron would believe we are horse.

[Faye] Well, hello there.

You must be new on the scene.

I would have remembered such a handsome stallion.

I'm sorry, but... no showmance for Peter.

He must focus on what matters most: the work.

Before we begin, a few rules.

You're all on vocal rest, you can only drink Brooklyn tap water,

and times have changed since my last production,

so I can't f*ck you.

But you can f*ck me.

-Ah. -Well, good to know.

-[claps] -[all three clap back]

-Any questions? -Um, yes.

This nephew horse I play-- what make him tick?

What his greatest trauma?

He's a f*cking orphan. What do you think?

All right, let's run through the opening number.

A five, a six, a five, six, seven, eight.

[upbeat tune playing]

[singing out of tune] ♪ I'm Mame ♪

♪ That's right, I'm Mame... ♪

-[grunts] -[all groaning, neighing]

[loud snap]

Aah! My leg! My f*cking leg!

Billy.

[horse actor ] It's just a sprain! It's just a...

-No, no, no, no, no-- -[g*nsh*t]

-[thudding] -[all gasping]

Okay, everyone, from the top!

[Patti] Wow, Mando.

Day one, and you already k*lled your Gooch.

-Patti. -[blues playing]

Patti LuPony.

[Seth] Dr. Cupcake!

We have one more patient who's ready to get spayed--

-[gasps] Oh, no! -[instrumental rock playing]

They're monsters! You made them monsters!

Zip 'em up, move 'em out.

Yes, chef.

And you can go. Remember, your back'll hurt at first,

but you'll grow into 'em.

And baby, they look bangin'.

Cupcake, I trusted you!

I backed you up in front of Brandi!

Well, what's the problem?

I did the snippin' and the clippin'.

I also offered some "cosmetic upgrades."

I mean, look how snatched these cats look.

This is the best-looking p*ssy you've ever seen.

[Seth] Huh. They do seem more confident.

And you could be, too!

Me? Oh, stop.

Are you telling me that there is nothing you want to change

about this whole dusty mess?

♪ ♪

It's your flat a*s on the line!

[in slow motion] Flat... a*s.

I have always been insecure about my... tuchus.

[laughing] Damn, Seth.

You got no cake in that pan.

I never should have shown you what I got.

Oh, I've seen worse, a lot worse.

-I worked at Patagonia. -Oh.

So tell me, what is your dream a*s?

I've actually made a few sketches.

Ooh, Sethie, I always knew you was a freak.

-[♪ Oakfield Mansion sings "Going In"] -[cheering, overlapping chatter]

-[kitten ] Oh, yes! -[kitten ] Gross!

[gasps]

I have COVID. Should I go home?

♪ Going in, yeah... ♪

-Hey. -Oh.

How's the volunteer work going?

Good. Very fulfilling.

Well, aren't you such a good person.

Okay, are you just gonna be mad at me forever?

-Maybe. -Ugh.

I'm sorry I showed up like this.

It's just been really weird without you.

Can we just go somewhere and talk?

Somewhere with, like, less kittens with t*ts?

Kevin! We need your help!

Is that Charles Melton?

Yeah, of course it is.

Try and keep it in your pants, okay?

Judy, Chuck, what are y'all up to?

You need some tunes?

I got a Pavement mix that'll change your life.

We're making hygiene kits for the unhoused.

That's what you're doing at a party?

Uh-huh. And we wanted to pick your brain

about what a senior cat on the streets might need.

Do you need a soft toothbrush for your old teeth?

-Diapers, right? -Whoa, whoa. Senior cat?

Wait. [chuckles]

How old do you think I am?

Hmm. Fourteen?

You think I'm ?

Oh, sorry. Are you ?

-What the f*ck!? -Hey!

I want to get mad and yell about stuff, too!

Why'd they take Jack Paar off the air? I miss Jack Paar.

-I don't know who that is. -Ah, your memory's going, too, David?

No, it's not! I'm young and cool and full of life! Ugh..

And I'm full of scabs.

I eat my scabs.

-Mother! -Yes, Mama!

She birthed me.

[Armando] Patti.

What a surprise.

I heard you were turned into Elmer's years ago.

Huh. That's weird.

I heard you choked to death on a hairball

-while going down on a stray. -Oh!

Who is this saucy horse with Bob?

Is this intimacy coordinator?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Patti LuPony,

the toast of Broadway and the bane of my existence.

Ha! You call this an existence?

You might as well be doing the Summer Spectacular at SeaWorld.

Haven't lost your touch, I see.

Blowing up our rehearsal just like you did your fifth marriage.

That one wasn't my fault.

Butterscotch was g*y.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Mame brought me here.

I've been waiting my whole life to play this role.

I'm sorry, but we already have our Auntie Mame,

and Faye has a very unique take on the character.

[with Cajun accent] In this version, I'm Cajun!

Jambalaya. Zatarain's. True Detective, Season One.

Oh, please. This is amateur hour, and you know it.

Billy, let's do it in B flat!

["That's How Young I Feel" playing]

♪ I have a feeling that time has halted ♪

♪ I'd like two straws and a chocolate malted ♪

♪ 'cause that's how young I feel ♪

♪ I feel like pecking and bunny-hugging ♪

♪ and Lindy hopping and jitterbugging ♪

♪ 'cause that's how young I feel ♪

♪ I'm mad for that big band beat ♪

♪ want to ride ♪

-♪ in a rumble seat ♪ -[cheering]

♪ Sheldon's got a Chevy! ♪

♪ I'd love a face full of frozen custard ♪

♪ to have a hot dog with sand and mustard ♪

♪ and ride the Ferris wheel ♪

♪ Oh, honey, 'cause that's how young I feel! ♪

-[neighing] -[indistinct chatter]

-God almighty, she's a star. -[indistinct chatter, clapping]

She is very good for intimacy coordinator.

[Dimitri] Peter, I am taking smoke break.

Patti, that performance sent chills down my spine.

I'd love to give you the part, but... I f*cking hate you.

Bye-bye now.

Ha! Your loss, doll.

Oh, you got to watch out for dem gators, y'all.

They crawl over dem banks and bite your head off.

Faye, it's getting offensive.

-[group chanting] Big bro! -Yeah!

-Big bro! Big bro! -This cat is bussin'!

-[burps] -Let him cook!

-[cheering and chanting] -I am bussin'!

-Bro, you are wild! -You-- Whoa.

You want to see something wild?

I'll show you something really wild.

I'm gonna go inside the dryer!

-[air horn blowing] -[cheering]

Let's f*cking go... to the basement!

Big bro Kevin gonna show you how to do it... dryer style!

-[cheering and chanting] -I'm a normal guy.

I buy my own groceries at Erewhon.

I'm-I'm sorry. I-I feel like you're not listening to my story.

I don't know. Tayvin?

How you spelling that?

T-A-Y-V-I... N?

Hot damn! You're k*lling it!

-[knocking] -Yeah?

Hi! We had a little question about this kitten.

Whoa.

We were just wondering if you had an extra bra on hand.

Her back's a little sore, you know.

Yeah. Let me see. Well, here you go.

-Underwire, on the house. -Thanks.

Oh, no, thank you.

Now you have fun with that precious little bikini babe.

Sethica Michael Hirsch!

Uh-oh. I'm in trouble.

You incompetent, low-T dickstain!

I knew Cupcake was up to something!

And I told you if she f*cked things up, it was your flat a*s I was tearing apart!

Speaking of my flat a*s...

I have something to show you.

I got a B.S.B.

-What?! -A Big Shelf Butt.

Because you love to lay on shelves.

And now my tuchus is shaped like one.

You idiot! [gasping]

[inhales]

Put me up on that Big Shelf Butt!

To keep screaming at me? You got it.

Ugh. This is reminding me too much of my parents.

Now look what you done!

I'm curling up!

-And... falling asleep. -[bluesy lullaby music playing]

And I'm dreaming about k*lling you.

Every night, I dream about k*lling you.

[snoring]

Oh. I have to use the washroom very badly, but I'll hold it.

Heads up. I had to move the hole.

Oh, okay, one more time, Faye.

And remember, Billy still has one b*llet left.

Yes, mon ami. [clears throat]

[singing off-key] ♪ I'm Mame! ♪♪

No, no, no. Like this.

♪ I'm Mame! ♪♪

[off-key] ♪ I'm Mame! ♪♪

-Oh! -I'm tryin' my level best, cher,

but we been at it so long, my bouche done turnt to gumbo.

[in her own voice] Can I be Faye for a minute?

Please.

I'm so bad, right? Like, I'm really bad?

And I can't carry this show?

-Yes. -You know who we need.

Oh. You're right.

[slow, melancholy piano music playing]

Is director gone?

He is.

Oh, yeah, show me what dat thing do.

I mean your horse p*nis.

[Dimitri] Peter, I have to go. I have coding class.

-[kittens] Dry-er! Dry-er! Dry-er! -[air horn blowing]

All right, raise your hand if you want me to do it delicate cycle?

-[booing] -Oh, sh*t.

-So you want permanent press? -[all] Yeah!

How about... heavy duty?

-Ow! -[cheering]

-[phone buzzing] -f*ck!

My sleep app says if I don't go to bed right now, it'll sh**t my dad.

Wait! We need to help Kevin!

Why? He's so problematic.

-And ugly. -And .

But he's my friend, and I'm gonna help him, because I'm Mother.

-[ding, buzzing] -Okay, we really got to go.

The app just sent me a g*n emoji.

My sleep app kidnapped my little sister,

so now I've got a flip phone.

Aw, I miss Natalie.

Wait! Kevin, you don't have to do this!

You don't get it, Judy.

My bussy's out, and this sh*t slaps.

Let... me... cook.

[kittens cheering]

[screaming]

Whoa. Ow! Ooh!

Seth, turn your shelf a*s around so I can yell at these little abominations!

Wait. Is that a kitten in that dryer?!

No! It's Kevin!

-Oh. [blows raspberry] Let it run, then. -Kevin?!

-[crowd gasping and exclaiming] -Whoa. Ah. [mumbles]

g*dd*mn it, Dana!

I can't believe you keep doing all this to me!

Oh, my God, are you drunk? You could have died in there!

-Ow. Ow. -Hey. Hey.

-Ow! Get-- Uh, ow. -Don't f*cking pick me up! Aah!

Aah! g*dd*mn it! You scratched me!

Well, I don't like being picked up, and I've told you that a million times,

but you never listen to me!

Stop being a f*cking baby. I just wanted to talk to you.

I don't care what you want. I'm done with you.

In fact... I never want to see you again.

-[footsteps retreating] -Kevin.

-All right, party's over! -[kittens sighing]

Go, go, go! Move, move, move!

What in the--? Is that a meatball?

And are those carrots, escarole and orzo?

She filled your a*s with Italian wedding soup!

Oh, my. I can feel none of this.

[crickets chirping]

♪ Nine hundred and ninety-seven ♪

♪ Nine hundred and ninety-eight... ♪

[knocking]

Well, well, well.

If I wanted to see old p*ssy,

I would have gone down to the set of And Just Like That...

[sighs] Patti, I'm here because the show needs you. I need you.

Armando, you're the most frustrating,

bullheaded, bitchiest director I've ever worked with.

I see.

But you're also the best director I've ever worked with.

-Count me in. -Oh, thank God.

Faye was about to start learning voodoo.

And if I'm being honest, I need this show, too.

My career really took a hit after Equus Live on NBC.

You just kept stomping that boy!

He was on my mark!

[both laughing]

Well, I've got to translate this script out of Fay-jun.

By the way, I want the biggest dressing room.

And not the one Beanie Feldstein cried all over.

"Mame talks like a normal human woman."

Armando, you got any Advil?

Ow!

Mother is serving... you some soup.

Oh, God. Pills and soup. I'm getting so old.

At least you and your friend Dana made up.

No, we didn't. I told her I never want to see her again.

If she pulls that sh*t again, you get a restraining order.

Yeah, litigation. That would be "mother" of me.

Am I using "mother" correctly? I really don't understand it.

Guys, is it cool if me and my girlfriend go to third base in here?

-No! -Did you say girlfriend?!

Wait till the horses in my mom's retirement home hear about this.

-[♪ "Houseboat"] -♪ I'm gonna build a houseboat ♪

♪ on the bayou ♪

♪ It's gonna be a mighty, mighty pretty sight to see ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it nice and paint it red ♪

♪ with a little kitchen and a double bed ♪

♪ I'm gonna build a houseboat, it's gonna be a love boat ♪

♪ I'm gonna build a houseboat for you and me ♪

Okay.

♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna build a houseboat, it's gonna be a love boat for you and me ♪

♪ Yeah, for you and me ♪

♪ Just you and me ♪♪

Chirp.