02x09 - They Forgot Me

[bunniefuu]

Where's that willy?
Where's that little willy?

I already asked for references.

She'll be here soon.

I hate this!

There's goat hair on my couch.

It sticks to everything.

I hired a "made in the USA" nanny.

It's impossible to find
a bilingual nanny here.

Ever since Netflix, everyone is bilingual.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

I've seen the girls from Chiquititas
saying "salaam alaikum."

Go to hell. Come on.

THEY FORGOT ME

Amazing, Alice.

You're bilingual
but can't translate your son's tears.

D minor means he's tired.
Get out of the way.

-I know what to do.
-I was with Mary, Carol, and Christine.

My support network of neighborhood moms.

It's hard to be
the only mom without a foreign nanny.

Careful with that foreigner.

Her first bumpy bus ride,
she's gonna break a rib.

The life of privilege isn't easy either.

Just because we have people
who cook, iron, and wash for us,

and we're medicated,
doesn't mean it's not hard.

Noah will have it hard.

You people take the first chance

to get your kids nannies,
then send them to private school,

then send them to college abroad.

I had it hard,
and I still kept my son close.

But it's time to keep some distance.

-That's right.
-Carlos.

-How do we clip her tongue?
-I don't know.

I'm happy with my tongue,
but my lips could be bigger.

They get so thin with old age.

They are not.

-You look great.
-There are three things that get thin.

Your mouth, butt, and body.

It all wilts.

On that note, I'm going to work.

Goodbye, women of my life. Come here, Mom.

I'm the only woman of your life.

I birthed you. Okay?

Bye, sweetheart.

Give me a kiss, baby.

-Kiss your son.
-Hey, you.

There's Noah.

That's right. An attentive father.

-I'm attentive.
-Now Mommy.

Where's that little willy?

Bye, ladies!

Ms. Isadir!

-Ma'am?
-I'll be ignoring you.

I don't want to get sad before you leave.

Are you threatening me?

I'm kicking you out.

That's right, honey.

You can leave now. Debby is almost here.

By the way,

have you packed up your junk?

The only thing getting junked is Debby.

Once she sees
how much work you'll make her do,

this Debby will be debilitated.

I know how to get up too, honey.

Wow, what a beautiful house!

And you are Miss…

No, I've never been Miss anything.

I was too short.

I tried, but I didn't have
enough collagen in my face

or charisma in my butt.

But you are…

I'm the homeowner.

You look different than on WhatsApp.

Honestly, that photo

was from a photoshoot
I did for Cachanzine,

the Cachambi magazine.

Bad makeup is so horrible.

It ruins our essence.

Where should I start?

You're going to wash, iron,
and rinse without leaving wrinkles.

You're going to cut my nails
and wax me. I'm very hairy.

And you're going to translate
É o Tchan's lyrics into English.

Please start
with the bottle dance one. Go.

Did you say "back?" My grandson
has great herb for back pain.

It really…

Ms. Isadir!

Yes?

-Ms. Isadir?
-Yes?

-Darling!
-Yes. What is it?

-Beautiful, perfect.
-Yes, sweetie?

Did she arrive?

She did.

She said she hated
the weather in Barra, and left.

That's weird.
The house is air-conditioned.

There are two split units per room,

plus the central air.

She said, "If I'm going to be cold,
I'll go home, where I earn dollars."

Now what?

Where am I going to find another nanny?

In Cachambi, obviously.

Didn't Fátima know someone amazing?

What? You're against me now?

I'm from Cachambi. Why get anyone else?

Jesus Christ, Fátima.

I told you not to recommend
anyone to Alice. Didn't I?

But Bartira had references.

-References?
-References.

Didn't you hear that Bartira's kids

got caught stealing Halls mints
from the store?

How awful! I wouldn't
have recommended her if I had known.

They're crooks now?

It's not that they're crooks.

It's that they don't shop locally.

Instead of stealing foreign candy,
they should steal from the Central Bank.

Yikes.

The people love that joke.

Hi, Flavinho.

Flavinho, on the catwalk. Scoot your butt.

It's not here.

Excuse me.

Good morning, Jade Picon!

-Don't you mean "Pipi-con."
-I do.

-Flavinho, did you lose something?
-Yes, I did.

-What?
-My seal.

What the hell?

Chill. I mean by belly button seal.

Now that Cezinha and I
are in a serious relationship,

I want to ward off the big Evil Eye.

Not that I don't love big things.
Just not eyes, you know?

My vibe now is,

"An eye for an eye, here's my tooth."

Excuse me.

Holy sh*t!

-The Evil Eye!
-Jesus!

-Hey there! Pardon me!
-Hi! How are you?

Look who it is! Bartira.

I'm so excited about the nanny job.

-Sit.
-Will the baby like me?

-Yes.
-I don't know if you'll like him.

No, he has a toxic relationship
with everyone.

It's based on biting.

-Babies don't have teeth.
-They don't.

Babies in Cachambi don't,

but rich babies come out
with a weave already in.

They've got silk robes, porcelain veneers…
Jesus, they've got it all.

That boy in that gated community

is known as Baby Shark
because he bites, "doo-doo."

That's crazy, Isadir.

Isadir, you're scaring her.

Don't be scared.

You'll get scared
when you get a stream of pee in your face.

He's got quite a stream.
He's a powerhouse.

It's stronger than Fátima's water pump,
which is garbage.

Girl, I'm shocked.

Keep your eyes open.

You're going to spend
four years without sleep.

The length of your contract.

Once he turns four he'll be more grown up,

so they can send him
to a constructivist boarding school.

They'll tell him his nanny died,

and to make sure he isn't shocked,

they'll tell him she turned into a star.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star."

Rich people are very playful.

My good God.

Don't think he'll take pity on you.
He won't.

My grandson has no empathy.

But my daughter-in-law, what a woman.

She had the house acoustically treated,

so that when she yells
at the babysitter, you,

no one can hear.

Rich people are very private.

Isadir.

My God.

Thanks for getting me out of this.

-You're a saint.
-I am.

-The babysitter rejected my offer.
-Really, baby?

I always say,
they don't want to work, they want a job.

Bartira has a drinking problem.

-Really?
-Yes. Hence, the name.

Bartira. Once she's in a bar,
you can't get her out.

Baby, unfortunately I can't stay.

I can't watch Noah.
I'm meeting an investor.

-I'm gonna go.
-Go on.

Bye, little man. Bye, you handsome guy.

-He looks just like me, right?
-Just like you!

Thank God he didn't get this cow's looks.

-Bye, Mom.
-Bye.

-Bye, baby.
-See ya.

Love you. Hey!

Okay, take care.

Marinez can do it.

No way, Ms. Alice.

Why not?

Because I have to hurry and finish here,

then get my son
from the girl who watches him.

-Your nanny?
-No.

The rich have nannies.
The poor have a girl watch their kid.

How is that experience?

It's barbaric is what it is!

Listen.

Deosdete throws 15 kids
with varying immunities

in a three-by-three room,

throws them some Play-Doh,

and they duke it out, right?

It's great.

If I'm not on time,
she'll probably throw the kid on the bus.

What, Mom. Are you worried?

Of course I am, Márcia.

You're worried, Alice?

Then cut down on the Botox.
You are completely expressionless.

My dearest daughter.

Can you watch Noah
while Mommy's in a meeting?

-I'm going out to put out.
-What?

-What?
-Why not leave him with Jonas?

Leave him with Jonas and Kelly. I'm out.

Yeah, right.
Noah is more likely to take care of Jonas.

-Amazing.
-Yeah, right.

I would never let
that b*tch Kelly take care of my baby.

I'm doing yoga. I'm a "yogist."

Why don't you ask your support group

to recommend a babysitter?

No. That topic is forbidden in the group.

They'd loan their husband
before they loaned a nanny.

Can you get me a husband?

Tell them it will be like
a movie rental store.

I'll get him on Friday,
and return him on Monday.

-Ms. Isadir.
-Yes?

-Ms, Isadir, honey. It's about priorities.
-Okay.

If I don't take Noah
to the moms' group party,

I'll ruin my reputation as a good mother.

I'll take him.
My reputation is bad already.

It's fine. No problem.

Listen to me, Ms. Isadir.
Take good care of him.

Absolutely no sugar or soda.

So cute!

I'm just going to dip this
in milk jam for him.

-Hold this.
-Jesus.

Did you sanitize your hands?

Okay, here.

Give him a little milk jam. He loves it.

I always give him some.

-Take your churro.
-Come on.

You know that Alice
doesn't want you giving that kid sugar.

That's a milk jam churro.

They have milk on the kids' menu.

Good God, Fátima.

I would love to be that popcorn.

-Oh, yeah.
-He should be on the seniors' menu.

I'd eat him on a platter.

He's got a kid. He must be married.

So what? What do I want a single man for?

Why score if there's no goalkeeper?

Look at this.

The moms are saying
you're not a team player.

You're ruining my churro. Here.

Give me that. This group sucks.

Does it?

It's boring. They don't send dirty texts.

They don't send sexy sounds as pranks.
It's crazy. That group is a failure.

Well, if it isn't the Brazilian witch.

What a scene!

I'm shocked, Fátima.

That moms' group
ganged up against me, an old--

-Did you see?
-I did.

That woman definitely knows jiu-jitsu.

That stance she had, It was good.

I got hit, but I got some licks in too.

Come get it.

-Isadir!
-It's the Hunger Games.

-Wait! Oh, God!
-Watch the churro!

Don't egg her on!

-Chill out!
-Stop!

You got some licks in.

Licked the dirt at her feet.

Because she kicked you and you…

Fátima, I was only holding back,
because I was--

I didn't want to set
a bad example for my grandson.

My God, where is…

Oh my God, Noah!

Oh my God, Fátima! Noah!

Oh, my good God!

-Jesus Christ, Fátima!
-Isadir!

Your grandson is like the kid
from that movie,

Home Alone.

Jesus Christ, what do I do?

What if he ends up like Macaulay Culkin?

My God!
He'll be a troubled teenager, Fátima!

For Christ's sake!

Go on, Fátima.

-I'll find him.
-Go.

Go, Fátima!

-Well, Fátima?
-No sign of him.

Oh my God. What do we do?

You know what you are?
Heartless, a troublemaker.

A sl*t, flirting with a married man
instead of watching your grandson.

Can you stop your lecture
so I can freak out?

Oh my God!

-Oh, God. What do we do?
-Relax.

-We have a lead.
-What?

The popcorn seller
said he saw a pale woman

with a ponytail and an accent
leaving with the baby.

-It's the nanny, Fátima.
-It's the nanny.

-It's child trafficking!
-Oh my God!

Oh my God, Fátima. What do we do, Fátima?

Wait. It's the phone!

Where's my phone?

For Christ's sake, I don't want that!

-Your flashlight.
-f*ck. I can't turn it off!

Hello?

-It's Alice.
-Alice!

Hi, Alice.

No, they're wonderful moms.

Such sensitive women, Li.

Noah?

Noah is sleeping.

He played all day long, he's resting.

Kisses, honey.

What now?

My heart!

Chill out, I'm the one with a pacemaker.

I promise, Fátima,

that if I find this baby,

I'll stop drinking,
smoking, and having sex.

All of it.

Isadir.

Don't make promises you can't keep.

-I'll call Flavinho.
-Okay. I'll stop drinking and smoking.

-Grandma.
-Yes?

I feel so bad that I said no to my mom

when she asked for help.

If you need help watching Noah,
I'm here now.

It'll be good to play with dolls again.
Lately I only play with men.

Good times. Bye.

-Okay, Flavinho. Go ahead.
-She's so much like…

-A doll!
-What doll?

-It's a doll!
-A doll?

No, doll face.

-Thanks!
-I'm not talking about you!

What?

We're going to use a doll, Fátima!

-I'm leaving, guys.
-What?

-I'm leaving.
-You are?

But it's raining outside.

I either catch the bus now,
or I'll have to take a boat.

Why the candle?
Are you worried we'll lose power?

They have a generator.

Yeah. I'm praying
that my grandson's path be illuminated.

To keep the bad spirits away.

I'll give him a kiss.

-No you won't. I said no bad spirits.
-Yeah, right.

Come here.

-What a joke! Stop that.
-I dropped the candle!

Ms. Isadir, did you

put a skirt on that boy?

What's the problem?

Why can't a child--

Nowadays, boys wear skirts
and girls wear pants.

Everything is very fluid now, honey.

-Cezinha, Fátima's son. Right?
-Yeah, Cezinha.

-Yeah.
-Cezinha wears my underwear.

-Why not?
-He's a free man.

He's a free and deconstructed man.

It's true.

I don't call him my grandson anymore.
Now, he's my grandchild.

Now, please.

-Oh, God. I'm late!
-Go on.

-Life is short. So is your skirt.
-Yeah.

I'm calling the police.

I can go back to prison. It's fine.

I can't type
with these acrylic nails, g*dd*mn it.

I'll call Navalha. He gets out soon.

He has contacts on the inside.

-Did he answer?
-I haven't even called yet!

It's ringing.

Hello!

sh*t!

What happened?

Guard Bete answered.

Navalha changed numbers.

He ditched his Android for an iPhone 13.

Aren't they in prison?

Honey, this is Brazil. What do you think?

Fátima, let me kiss you.

What? Are you crazy?

I'm saying goodbye, Fátima!

I'm going back to prison.
I want to say bye.

Flavinho is searching the park,

and he could find a hair in a haystack.

-Hair in a haystack? He does love bears.
-Yikes!

-Hi, Mom!
-Oh, God!

-Carlos!
-Hi, Mom.

I really missed my son. Let me see him.

-No!
-No!

-I want to see my son.
-You can't!

-He's my son. I have to see him!
-Carlos.

-Your hand--
-I will see him!

-Not right now.
-Okay.

Your hand has germs, bacteria.

-Go in the bathroom and bleach your hands.
-I want to see my son.

-Go on.
-But my hands are clean.

-Stop it. Let me see my son!
-Go wash your hands!

-Good God. This is crazy.
-Wash your hands first!

There.

I'd like to see him get out of there.

My God, what do we do?

God, what do we do? Listen.

Maybe they'll answer.

-Did they?
-They did! Hi.

This is Isadir speaking.

I want to report myself.
I lost my grandson.

Hey. No.

-Fátima, talk to your godchild.
-Hi, godchild!

-This kid is still sleeping? No way!
-Yeah.

He won't sleep at night
and he'll ruin my video chat.

-That's sad.
-Jesus Christ.

My grandma's here.

Fátima!

-Are you taking pills?
-I'm telling the truth.

But I need a…

I don't care about religion,
but I'm making benzo holy water.

-Ms. Isadir!
-Oh, God.

I already know everything!

You know everything? Have some water.

Last time you made trouble,

you put my reputation
with the other moms at risk.

Where's my son?

-Mom, what's all this mess?
-It was the gnome.

-There's a gnome here.
-Our son is--

Fátima!

Run, Fátima!

Fátima!

She won't give him to me! What happened?

Oh my God!

-I had to turn quickly.
-What is this?

I'm ready.

Puppy.

This isn't my son.

-Where is he?
-He's talking.

His first affectionate words.

-Where is my son?
-Where is Noah?

-I'll tell you!
-Tell us, Fátima!

-No, Fátima!
-My God.

I'll tell you.

-Tell us!
-Secrets don't pay.

Alice.

-Your son…
-Say it!

I am!

He was last seen with a white woman
with a ponytail and an accent.

Don't do that, Mom.

-What's wrong? Baby?
-They kidnapped my son!

-Calm down.
-They kidnapped my son, Carlos!

They kidnapped my grandchild

-Carlos!
-They didn't kidnap him.

It was Ms. Isadir.

This is all crazy!

If this were a novella,

now would definitely
be the commercial break.

Hey!

-Oh my God. My son!
-My son!

You're not complaining
about her dirty hands?

Jesus, is this really the time?

-True.
-Let's have some sugar water.

-Ms. Isadir, what is going on?
-Sugar water!

Some sugar water!

Some sugar water.

-Water!
-I'm fed up.

I'm so stressed.

Some sugar water.

Give me my sugar water.

I'm more stressed. It's mine!

This crazy woman forgot
her son at the park.

Yeah. I'm going
to tell Flavinho they found the baby.

You just couldn't wait to leave, Fátima?

-What's going on, Ms. Isadir?
-Tell us!

-Isadir?
-Yeah.

Your name isn't Alice?

I recognize you now. You're Alice.

Yes.

So you're not the baby's mother.

Or the homeowner.

But now I recognize you from another show.

-What?
-Listen, honey.

Don't come in here playing 20 Questions.

Don't come in here trying to school me.

Okay? I did own a house.

Isadir's Cyber House.

But they turned off the Wi-Fi
because it was stolen,

so we had to close.

She tricked me.

She said she owned all this sh*t!

Don't raise your voice with me!

I'm from Cachambi and I know jiu-jitsu.

Listen, honey.

Follow my logic.

I made love to Carlos' dad,

then went and had Carlos.

-Yeah. I was born.
-Exactly.

Then Carlos took his little willy,
and put it in Alice's cave,

which made their three kids.

By which I mean, there you have it.

Do you see how I'm relevant now?

-Debby.
-Relax, honey.

Thank you for saving my son.

Do you want to work for us?

Debby, come back!

-Debby, calm down!
-Alice, don't.

Debby, please!

-Listen--
-Don't grovel.

-Ms. Isadir!
-Don't humiliate yourself.

Now where will I find a foreign nanny?

Yeah, Mom?

Nannies are like medication.
There's always a generic version.

Hey, Alice!

It's your perfect nanny!

My God, Mom. What the hell?

I'm here to give you a good spanking.

-Our family is complete.
-Fine.

I was at Pedra do Sal when I met…

I recognize you!
You play a teacher on another show.

No.

I look like…

I don't know, because everything
has to be about Netflix now.

Why is it all Netflix?

Why can't we talk
about Record? Or Vidas Opostas?

Why can't we talk
about Faustão's show on Band?

Or Tô de Graça on Multishow?

Thank you!

Thanks, everyone! Thank you.