02x07 - Paparazzo

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

What's happening?

-You're crazy!
-I am!

The gas isn't
the only thing that got turned on.

-Yes.
-Let's go.

-Yes.
-Noah is asleep.

Let's do something
we haven't done in forever.

-What?
-What?

Sleep?

Of course not.

-Oh my God.
-Oh, God. What the hell?

I don't believe this.

-I was here the whole time.
-Oh, really?

This woman is so horny.

-My God.
-She was.

Just a second. My God!

Please, Carlos. Don't deny her anything.

Give her three minutes.

I know that's your limit,
due to premature ejaculation.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

Oh, Mom!

-I feel your pain.
-She was here too.

I hate when a man is broken.

-Here.
-What?

-It's not hereditary?
-You too?

Jesus. I need to know
if it's a family problem.

Wait.

-Here, Grandma.
-Were you betting on if we'd have sex?

-I bet you would.
-Yes.

-I can't believe it.
-We have to make money somehow.

Unreal.

-Even if it's from gossip.
-Speaking of gossip!

No. Not down there.

-Not under the table.
-It's not... Alo...

I'm sorry, Ms. Alice.

Speaking of gossip,
you have no idea who's living next door.

Who?

Codorna.

Codorna?

The Paraguayan soccer player who played
for Madrid, Barcelona, Ipiranga,

and is now playing for Vasco?

He's already gotten to lift like 15 cups.

All this just because of 15 cups?

On New Year's Eve, I lifted 16.
I was naked on the beach, wasted.

I want to take a picture with him.

What are you talking about, Mom?

You've never liked soccer.

I don't like your wife,
but she's all over my Insta page.

Jesus.

Pictures of rich people get likes.

Listen.

It's full of paparazzi outside.
They want pictures of him here.

Photos of the rich are expensive.
Especially nudes.

Over five grand.

Five grand?

You should be a millionaire then.

Your photo gallery is full of dicks.

-There's coochies too.
-What the hell?

I just had my phone. Where did it go?

I put it somewhere.

-I keep it somewhere really safe.
-For f*ck's sake.

-I always keep it there.
-Jesus.

It's my dragon dungeon.

Look.

Look. I'll show you.

Would this old picture
of Navalha get me five grand?

Everyone, circle up.

Aloísio, don't you have work?

Marinez, aren't you on leave?

Get some rest.

Who rests on maternity leave?

I asked God to grant me rest here.

I left my kid with my mom.

Speaking of leaving,
a huge package came for you.

I'll get it.

-Get it. Jonas!
-Yes?

You moved, but you're always here.

-Why are you here?
-Yeah.

That's right, kid.

You need to work.

I pay you to work.

But the pay is so bad.

I pay you well, you brat.

Here, Marinez. Leave it here.

Help her.

-Help her, kid.
-Great.

-I did what I could.
-It came from Paris.

It's from your Mom for Noah.

-I don't know.
-You read it?

It's a mini Mercedes-Benz.

The shocks on the original
of this car are really good.

Yeah? Who taught you how to drive?

She doesn't drive.

She sits in the car
in an alley behind her school.

I said it.

-Are you watching me?
-Fancy!

My son in a Mercedes.

It's not a big deal, driving a Mercedes.

My son rides in one twice a day.

The bus.

Bangu to Candelária.
I leave him with my mom to come to work.

At least Noah has a grandma
who gives good gifts.

Wait a minute. Grandma's give
whatever they can afford, right?

And this grandma's gift is stress.

Let me ask you something. I'm worried.

People are paying five grand
for a celebrity nude,

but I have to pay to get one taken?

Because,

I get thrown
in a hospital and I have to pay

for a colonoscopy, a mammogram,
and a vaginal ultrasound.

Jesus, Márcia. Seriously.

I'm going to send...

Now I'm wondering,
since the transvaginal is internal...

Could I say mine is Beyoncé's?

Look, Isadir.

Cezinha's at work, okay?

He has no idea I'm lending you this.
I paid this off in five.

-Five payments?
-Years.

I bought it when Cezinha was 15
and paid it off when he was 20.

This camera is like you. It's really old.

Honey, vintage is trendy.

Then we should be
in São Paulo Fashion Week.

They used to call me
Priority Seating. I love old guys.

Hey.

The store clerk said this one was great.

He said it was
a great camera with ten megapixels.

Why are you speaking gibberish?

It's the resolution, dummy.
It's cute, isn't it?

-Really?
-It's for little ones.

Cezinha used it to photograph g*y people.

He's not dumb. I'd do it too.

Especially if he's hot.
I'd go, "Say cheese!"

You're so ridiculous.

-Cezinha's dream was to be a TV host.
-How cute.

He'd show up on a spaceship,
surrounded by smoke.

I know the feeling, Fátima.

I'd come off my ship, the downtown train,

in a cloud of motor oil.

There was a plague of children chasing me,

and there was an empty lot
full of mosquitoes.

It was great.

And still... hear me out, girls.

Everyone was going after my husband.

Your friends really
went after your dead ex-husband?

-No, the police.
-Wow!

He was wanted for rigging his taximeter.

-What a guy, huh?
-Wow, honey.

All right, guys. I've gotta run.

Me too. I have work today.

-I'm out on the rig today.
-The oil rig?

No, these rigs.

No shoes on the couch.

-Bye, y'all.
-Bye.

Fátima, I'm not using my phone,

because it's just like me.

-No memory.
-What are you taking photos of?

Of Codorna, Fátima.
So I can buy my grandson a present.

You get paid for that?

Just Codorna, no.
But if his d*ck is in it...

Jeez!

-Take the binky.
-Where's the baby?

Good.

-Oh my God.
-This kid.

-Why don't you like to suck on it?
-He didn't take after his Grandma.

I've been trying to call you,
but you don't answer.

I don't take calls
from collection agencies.

I need you to take care
of Noah so I can work.

-Exactly.
-For Christ's sake.

Come on, Jonas!

I'm coming! No need to shout.

I do need to shout at you.

My God!

-Great vibes!
-Who are they?

They're my classmates, Dad.

-Hi, Grandma.
-Hi, honey.

We have a test tomorrow.

You know I like to have
the answers on the tip of my tongue.

Come talk to me first. Let me say hi.

Hi, how are you?

-They're really sweet.
-I know.

-Come on.
-Let's study with our condoms on, okay?

Wow. Here's the camera.

Go on, Fátima.
Let's take some practice photos.

Good. Do another pose.

Do a sensual one, Fátima.

Now be sensual but not vulgar.

Forget it.

I'm not using these. They're like origami.

They're delicate?

-No, full of folds.
-Give me that.

I'll get them printed.

Fátima, that camera isn't going to work.

I need one that's fast, you know?

-They need to look good.
-Don't even ask.

My iPhone is so old, the apple's rotten.

Márcia left her purse here, Fátima!

-Look at this phone, Fátima!
-Don't mess with it!

Calm down.
Let's see if your fingerprints match.

Oh my God, it worked!

-It's like something from TV!
-Isadir, for Christ's sake.

What if it rings and she comes back?

She's ringing
something else up there, Fátima.

-Come on.
-Oh, God.

Go first. You know you're slower than me.

You always were.

-Okay.
-Same as always.

Just a second,
or we won't get there in time.

For Christ's sake.

I'm always telling you
to do physical therapy.

Let me take some selfies
to make sure it looks good.

-Look.
-Wow, Fátima. They're great.

-You're taking a lot. Enough.
-Okay.

Look! He's in the pool
with his striker out.

-His striker is hiding, huh?
-Right?

-You see that?
-I know what it is.

He doesn't trim his lawn,
so the striker can't shine.

I'm gonna take one anyway.
I'll fix it later.

Got it.

-We'll zoom in. It'll be fine.
-Go.

Hurry up! You know how slow you are.

Hurry up, Fátima. Go.

If you don't start Pilates,
we can't be friends.

-Go, Isadir!
-Seriously. Go to hell.

-Go, Isadir.
-You're so slow.

-Okay, let's go.
-We're done.

Let's see it.

I'm going to zoom in here.

I'm gonna... My God, Fátima.

You can't even zoom in on it.

Good lord! His player
doesn't want to come to midfield.

-We have to go over there.
-No, Isadir. No! No! No!

-What if someone sees us?
-Calm down, Fátima.

I have a disguise
that no one will recognize us in.

-Go.
-Wait.

Did it have to be nettles, Isadir?

Noah's not complaining.

-Go.
-Okay, let's go.

Go.

He kissed the field.

Touching the ball is a foul.

A foul!

The game is heating up.

The ball is out of play. Is that allowed?

Jesus Christ, Isadir. Take the photo!

I got it.

-Let me see.
-It's bad.

His thingie is sleeping.

All that commentary and it wasn't up?

It's not my fault.

He's coming, Fátima!

The baby!

Who's there?

Fátima.

R$10,000.00 DEPOSIT.

Look. They sent me the money already.

I can buy my grandson a present.

-That was fast.
-I'm already scheming.

They paid so well. Maybe I should break
into Luciano Huck's house.

Luciano Huck's house?

Imagine if we got his d*ck
and Angélica's coochie. We'd get double.

-Why are you whispering?
-We're not!

-You weren't?
-No!

You two are trouble.

Where's auntie's baby?

Marinez?

Why aren't you working?

I'm on maternity leave. Did you forget?

Excuse me.

Ms. Alice?

You got another box. Oh boy, look at this.

-What is this?
-It's a box.

Hold him. I wasn't expecting anything.

But I was. It's a present for my grandson!

Surprise!

Come look.

My...

-Grab it.
-Wow.

A steak?

It's expensive.

-Pull it. Careful.
-Careful.

A gas tank?

-Yes.
-Ms. Isadir.

-This must be a joke.
-Why?

We don't use propane. We're on city gas.

But have you seen the price of gas?

This is a luxury item.
Use it as a decoration.

Look!

It even came with a little cover.

How cute.

It says "JN." For Jack Nicholson?

No. For Jorge Noah.

-What, Mom?
-Who's Jorge?

Mom.

Stop with this whole Jorge Noah thing.

It's just Noah.

How could you afford this?

I'm not Claudia Leite...

Be quiet. This is important.
Jeez. So noisy.

BREAKING NEWS

A nude photo of soccer player Codorna
was leaked online.

Come watch.

Based on their reports,

his center-forward
is playing button soccer.

CORDORNA LETS IT ALL HANG OUT,
PUBLIC IS SHOCKED.

I'm telling you, guys,
the paparazzi are a plague.

Anyone who sells intimate photos of others

is selfish, petty, and disgusting.

-They're crazy for money.
-Yes.

She knows it was you, Isadir.

This workers' rights thing ain't bad.

-What happened?
-A visitor!

-Oh my God!
-Codorna!

Oh my God!

-Oh my God.
-How are you?

-Oh my God.
-I would like to talk to Ms. Alice.

You're big in person.

On the TV you look so small.

Hi. How are you?

Come on. Get low, Fátima.

What a pleasure. Do you like coffee?

Let's go upstairs and talk.

-Brother!
-What the hell?

God.

I'm with you, man.

It'll be fine. Less is more.

Relax, Dorna.

If you need anyone to support you,

or uplift you,

take my card.

I don't get it. Are you a psychologist?

No, but I'm used to dealing
with bigger problems than yours.

So it's fine. We'll figure it out.

-It's not about that.
-I don't know where she learned this.

-Certainly not from her dad.
-What?

Let's go to the kitchen.

-It's more private.
-Of course.

We'll have more privacy in here.

Please, sit.

How can I help you?

A friend recommended you as a lawyer.

I need to sue the paparazzo
that leaked my intimate photo.

I want to sue him,

take all his money, and put him in jail.

Goddammit.

How do you make it stop? sh*t.

Just a moment.

What are you doing here?

I'm looking for my glasses.

You don't wear glasses.

That's why I can't find them.
Thanks, Alice!

Where's Ms. Isadir?

Isadir!

She's in the bathroom. She's gassy.

-Please, Ms. Alice.
-Yes?

What's the best way to fix this?

In this case,

I think it's best
we go to Small Claims Court.

Okay.

What was that?

A gas leak.

-One moment.
-Here she comes.

All right.

Please. Come with me, if you don't mind.

Please. Don't worry.

I'll handle all this. Okay?

I'll call you. I'll take care of it.

-Don't worry, please.
-Okay.

-Please, this way.
-Of course.

-Don't worry, okay?
-Ms. Alice.

-Sorry, I almost forgot.
-Yes?

I found this pacifier

by my front gate.

The gate was locked,
so there might be a connection.

Did you show this to anyone? The police?

No, only you.

Great! Wonderful!

I'll take care of it.

-Thank you. See you soon.
-Thank you.

Isadir!

-What happened? Calm down.
-Calm down.

-I am so calm!
-What is going on?

Everything is going on! I'm furious!

Why are you furious?
Tell me what's going on!

Mom, what is going on here?

Ms. Isadir has something
to do with the nude.

What the hell, you nasty old crone?

What I'm saying
is she photographed his privates.

-Mom.
-Look.

My son's pacifier.

Codorna found this pacifier
at the scene of the crime.

The last person
who left with my son was her.

My camera isn't nice enough
to expose such a tiny boy so thoroughly.

But Márcia's is,
and it was in Ms. Isadir's room.

Why was my phone in there?

-It's full of Codorna's nudes.
-Wow!

-Look! Codorna nudes!
-My God!

Give it to me. Let me...

Oh my God!

Guys, look at Mommy's face,

and tell me that you think

I would be shameless enough to do that?

Jesus, Mom.

These are yours.

They are. I was shameless.

You two will be sued for millions.

-You were born for prison, weren't you?
-I guess so.

In prison, the other ladies
congratulated me. Did you know that?

I won the best impression
of a kidnapped mother on WhatsApp.

-"Honey, it's Mommy."
-Mom.

-"Honey, Mommy needs help."
-Mom!

Sometimes I wonder
if you're in your right mind.

Are you senile? Is that it?

How funny! How cool!

Even when you humiliate me,
you give me ideas.

I know a way that we,
as a group, can get out of this lawsuit.

The paparazzo is your mother-in-law?

Yes.

She's old and weak. Right, Carlos?

-She's not well.
-She's forgetful.

-She's not good.
-She's not.

Isadir, you're with us, right?

Isadir, you're with us, right?
Come out of the fridge.

-I need to pee.
-No, Mom.

Grandma.

Carlos, this is getting ridiculous.

-I know.
-Speak for yourself.

I look beautiful as Isabelle Drummond.

Mr. Codorna,
the truth is that Mom isn't well.

-Her head's all...
-Yeah.

-Disoriented.
-Discombobulated.

-Totally crazy at times.
-Totally.

-You can tell.
-That wasn't in the script, as*h*le.

She's a big fan of yours.

Isadir loves miniatures.

Hey, tiny little thing.

Her caretaker wasn't watching her,
and she took the photo.

-That's how it happened.
-Exactly.

-I'm sorry.
-Of course.

-We're so sorry.
-No, I understand. Of course.

But how did it get on the internet?

-Yes.
-She sent it to her church group chat.

She thought
she was sending an entire psalm.

But it turns out it was just one verse.

That was good!

-Enough!
-What's wrong?

No!

You're all going down.

-How rude!
-Wow!

I'm going to ruin your lives,
all of your lives.

-He's crazy.
-Wait.

Does he know where we live?

Enough!

Don't yell at my employees!

Go to hell, you son of a b*tch.

-To the living room.
-Okay.

What does he have to say?
This is Brazil, honey.

This is Brazil. Go to hell.

The b*tch and the limp-d*ck sit here.
You two sit there.

Done. Look here.

-Sit your skinny d*ck down.
-What?

Sit your tiny, little d*ck down.

Yes?

Listen here, prima donna.

You should be thankful. Your team sucks.

You were out of the spotlight.
Naked, you're back in.

Shirts versus skins
wasn't making you money, but your skin is.

True! Good thing
I brought this calculator.

Here. Your photo gets you
ten grand on the market.

It's not worth that much.

Seven times eight, minus three,

minus your wife,
plus me and you equals two.

Times five, minus four,
plus me on all fours...

equals double the money from the photo.

-He's a math wizard.
-It's random. I know.

Look, we could... maybe...

do a little Photoshop, you know?

What are you...

Not that I've done it before.

I haven't.

It's okay, Carlos.

It's a good idea.

What we'll do is say
that the first photo made you look bad.

We put a better p*nis on you, and done.

I'll give you, young man, 40%.

Use my scientific calculator.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Forty percent.

It pays my pension, so...

-Deal.
-No, wait.

-Then I lose a client.
-Yeah.

But you gain a wonderful gift
from me to my grandson,

your son, next year.

Something better than a Mercedes?

-Yes. I'll buy him gas.
-The old woman is correct.

-She's not wrong.
-You're joking.

For Christ's sake, Marinez!

It's time to go, people. We're done.

Let me tell you something, guy... kid...

What was it? I'm speaking to my mentor.

Hello?

Okay, thank you.

Listen to me, Fátima.

-Memory.
-Okay. Thank you.

What the f*ck did you say?

-What did you say? No way, honey.
-What?

Nu-uh, honey!

You can't talk like that in my house.

I don't know...

Oh my God.

Good work!

-Thank you!
-Thank you!

You're amazing!