02x06 - Noah Don't Believe It

[bunniefuu]

Alice, I redecorated
your house a little bit.

I wrapped all
the table corners in bubble wrap.

I covered all the sockets.

We're the ones
who are supposed to do that, Mom.

-Exactly.
-I delivered the baby.

I had to sacrifice a bag of cookies,

because I had to use the clamp
to clamp the baby's belly button.

That's so cool! So, you're a doctor?

I'm a Kardecist.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

Also, you're full of bad energy.

Don't say that.
My life is bad enough already.

NOAH DON'T BELIEVE IT

That baby back there
was supposed to come two weeks from now,

but it got free delivery.

Taking advantage of deals
is a family tradition.

-I'm out of practice.
-Rock him.

He won't stop crying.

He's got cramps. Let me…

Press here.

Wow! I've got plenty of kids
at home you can take care of.

Sure. I live in Cachambi now.

I charge $800.

That includes water
and multiplication tables.

The nanny doesn't come for a week.
Now you're going back to Cachambi?

I can stay the night,
or two years, if you want.

-Mom.
-Is he asleep, baby? Is he?

No, he's awake. He's a good boy.

Look in front of you! There's a truck!

I'm a getaway driver! Please!

-Home sweet home!
-Fantastic.

Please.

Mom.

For Christ's sake, Ms. Isadir.

What's a crib doing in here?
My son has his own room.

You need an Uber to get there.
What if it gets canceled?

It's true, baby. He'll be so far away.

You'll hear him crying, Carlos.

I can even hear the neighbor crying.

We hear the neighbor baby crying, Mom.

You as*h*le, Carlos. Give him here.

-You don't remember how, huh?
-Me? Not remember?

-No! Don't cry.
-Oh my God.

No, sweetheart. No.

Grandma can make him stop crying

That's it.

He loves a bolero.

You love your crib. Don't you, Jorginho?

What are you talking about? Jorginho?

I told you,
his name is Noah, from the Bible.

Think about it.
Noah made an ark for animals.

Jorge k*lled a dragon
and Zeca Pagodinho made a song about it.

I already regret asking you to stay here.

-What happened?
-Hold on.

-What happened?
-What happened?

Oh my God!

The nanny I hired online
won't be here for two weeks.

I should stay a little longer.

-It's best.
-Oh my God.

-Carlos!
-What?

-He's sleeping. Lower your voice.
-You're yelling.

Help me put this up.
These plants have too many mosquitos.

This is just like my boobs.
I try to lift it up and it falls.

Good morning, fam!

Jesus.

Be quiet.

I'll spend the weekend with the baby.

Thank you, honey!

Your mom really needs some rest.

I mean my baby.

I'm dating a younger guy at school.

We won't be resting.

Great. Take my baby to his room, please.

-Do that. Careful, he's sleeping.
-Take him.

-I should practice.
-That's right.

-Careful with the head.
-At this rate, I'll be next.

Right?

-What the hell?
-Márcia!

I'm talking about
my pediatrics internship.

The only belly I'm getting
before 30 is a beer belly.

Okay. Careful on the stairs.

-I love her.
-What is this for?

-What?
-Monopoly for Noah?

He needs to learn early
that managing finances is like w*r.

-My God, she…
-Unbelievable.

What's up, people?

-Hi there.
-Hi, Aloísio.

Sorry I'm late. I was with Marinez.

Now that the baby's here,
I have to work double to provide.

Today I worked for an app,
as a taxi, and as a delivery guy.

No, pero que sí. Pero que no.

Me gusta mucho.

I did hear that rich people's babies
are born bilingual.

That's not Noah crying.
It's coming from the kitchen.

-I'll look.
-Okay.

What's going on?

-How would I know?
-Why are you yelling at me?

Chill out, Mom.

Hi, Fátima.

Oh, it's Fátima! Where is my head today?

I forgot I asked Fátima
to test the baby monitor.

Did you like my crying?
I learned it from the show Usurpadora.

-Do you like it?
-It's really spontaneous.

Here, let's do it.

Mom, what are you doing?

Is this a joke?

It's farm animal sounds!

It's so cool!

Wait, Carlos.

She does all of them together, too. Look.

Fátima, really!
You forgot the beige mutt, Goddammit!

Right. It's a little bark.

Jeez.

Ms. Isadir, are these
the things I asked you to buy?

They are, and they all
passed the Isameter test.

Here. Look.

I didn't like these
because they smell like bleach.

I don't like it.

The baby powder made my crotch itchy,

and Fátima tried out
the toothpaste and didn't like it.

It was tasteless and sticky.
I couldn't get it off.

Honey, this is for diaper rash.

Okay? For the baby's butt.

She's always talking sh*t anyway.

You guys,

our little heir to the neighborhood
is already fast asleep.

Why are you wearing
your hospital uniform at home?

Go change!

Why? Grandma asked me
to wear it around Noah.

Your grandma did?

Are you crazy, Mom?

I want him to get used to it early,

so he's not scared of doctors and exams.

Unbelievable.

-Good morning, Carlota's family!
-No!

This is crazy!

I was nearby, so I brought a gift.

-Thanks, Flavinho.
-From my first birthday.

So cute.

Do you need a nanny? I was one.

I can show you my resume.

I already hired a nanny, honey.

Oh my God, you…

What strong vocal cords, Jorge.

Grandma loves you with all her heart,

but her heart
has a pacemaker and arrhythmia.

-Jesus.
-Sweep the floors. Ms. Isadir checks.

Put everything under the couch.

She can't bend over or she'll get hurt.

She's getting so old. It makes me sad.

Don't worry.

She recorded this early in her pregnancy.

You weren't that old then.

Go to hell.

I'm covering for Marinez.

She made me this recording
on how to clean the house

so it looks nice.

Give me that speaker real quick,

so I can project Noah crying.

Let's see if they wake up.
Let's see if she hears it.

Let's see if that b*tch hears.

Oh my God, Mom.

I'm worried. What's with the yelling?

So you heard?

He just woke up.

He just woke up?

-He did.
-He's been crying all night. No one heard?

I'm telling you, that room is too far.

And you say I'm the crazy old woman?

Go to hell.

He wasn't even crying, honey.

-Tell that to the condo manager.
-What?

The doorman said you'll get a fine.

He said Jorge cries like a car alarm.

-It's Noah!
-Holy Mother of God.

Listen, honey,

shouldn't we take him to the doctor?

I'll schedule it.

-Jeez! Kids are so much work.
-Yeah.

I always say the best birth control
is other people's kids.

-I'm getting an IUD.
-Why take him to the doctor?

Babies cry.
They're getting used to the world.

You know, one time Carlos was crying
and I didn't pay attention to it.

When I went to check,
he had mumps and it had gone to his ba*ls.

Mom!

Yes, sir!

My grandchildren
are the result of a miracle.

What are you talking about?

I had to get
liposuction done on your ba*ls.

This right here is the proof.
It's what they took off.

Where are mommy's little ba*ls?

Mom, stop it!

It's a coin purse.

Carlos, people used to bully you.

They used to call you "Cachmumpsi."

I made an appointment for 10:30.

Great.

He cries way too much!

-He's a baby.
-I'm going to school so I can sleep.

-Go ahead.
-I think he's a little upset.

I think he got it from his mom.

Don't even start.

-Okay.
-Do me a favor.

-Don't make a mess again.
-Okay.

Fátima, grab that. I want to…

I want to talk to you,
but this house is huge. I won't shout.

Listen, Fátima.

I have to remodel this house. Okay, honey?

I have work to do.

I made a WhatsApp group.

"Mortar Ladies." It's us.

We have to remodel my grandson's room.

Meet me
at C&C Cachambi Construction, okay?

I'm not used to my bifocals, Fátima.

Look. Here.

Just to check. The mortar is here.

The slate is here. Okay.

Since when
do rich people use slate, Isadir?

It's the raw material for Swarovski,
Baccarat crystal, and Duralex plates.

Duralex? Right.

It goes with all that. Why wouldn't
it go with rich people's porcelain tiles?

Pray for me St. Thomas,
guardian of bricklayers!

Isadir, my Cachambi queen.

Do you want
the good news or the bad news first?

Good news. You're already bad news.

I'll start with the bad.

I busted a gas pipe.

My God, Davi. You can't even
find the right hole in a wall?

God, I miss him.

I miss Navalha so much.

If he was on the outside,

he'd have gas in his pipe.

What's the good news?

The wall looks amazing.

Half tile, half slate.

Oh my God. I'm calling Cezinha.

Hold your breath, Isadir.

I'm not doing that. Here.

Here. Put it in there.

Go. Put it in.

-What is this bottle for?
-Bottling the gas!

Do you know how much it's worth?

Bottle it. I'll put it
in the cylinder later.

Hello? Cezinha!

Oh, honey, help me!

Davi got the wrong hole
and gas is leaking.

I shouldn't poke around
in Isadir's love life?

He misunderstood.

Hi, Cézar.

How are you? It's me.

Do you know anyone who works with gas?

No, not with gays. With gas.

St. Barbara!

Sweet baby Jesus! Father!

-What?
-A gas leak?

-Yes.
-Turn off the lights.

Turn off your phones.

And get on the floor
if there's fire. Like in the movies.

Okay.

-My God!
-My God!

-Nothing is on fire!
-But I'm ready if it is!

-I'll open a window.
-Isadir!

Get on the ground! Come on!

Calm down, Fátima! Use this!

It's better to die.
So many bad things are happening.

Done.

-I'm gonna look at the leak.
-Do you know about gas?

I'm married to Marinez.
Have you had her beans?

-Yikes!
-See? Just cramps.

My God. Carlos, no!

Take my grandson away. Go, please.

Mom, what is this?
Are you remodeling my house?

I had to, Carlos,

so you can get to Jorginho's room faster.

-It's Noah!
-It's Noah!

-Okay.
-Davi punctured the gas line.

-What?
-I'm so sorry, stepson.

-Stepson?
-Yeah.

I'm used to gas cylinders.

I didn't know there was a pipe
in the wall, and Isadir was rushing me.

He has a problem.

If I rush him, his pipe goes bad.

My God.

This gas is bad for my son.

-Let's go.
-Okay.

Calm down, Ms. Alice!

Calm down.

Calm down right now.

There's no leak. I shut off the gas.

Now someone needs to fix the hole.

You should stay somewhere else tonight.
The smell is too strong.

I'm out of here.

-Go.
-Wait! Aloísio!

Say hi to Marinez.

Don't give me that accusing look.

If I caused the problem, I'll fix it.

With what money? When?

Honey, I'm a retired teacher.

My paycheck is bigger than his ding-dong.

-Listen.
-Wow.

I'll just wire the money
to the guy who will come fix it.

If you need somewhere to stay,
stay at my place.

Isadir's is full of construction dust.

What a good idea to come here!

Now Noah can see the wonders of Cachambi!

-What wonders, Carlos?
-No?

They film novellas in Leblon.

We have those too.

It took a novella's worth of drama
to get that pothole fixed.

I had an idea.
Why don't we go to Kelly and Jonas' house?

It's right there.

So I can look at his slutty girlfriend?

-Their house looks like a motel.
-It does.

He's there for two hours,
then comes to our house.

It's amazing.

-What was that?
-A power outage?

No, the air conditioner just turned on.

I can't believe
you're trying to look rich for Alice.

She hasn't turned the air on since 1998.

The mites are saying,
"Thank you for freeing us."

What about this couch, darling?

This rack?

Don't talk about her furniture like that.

It all came from exhibitions.

Really? Where were they exhibited?

Store windows.

The showroom models are cheaper.

For God's sake. That's enough!

-Jeez!
-Enough!

If it weren't
for your stupid ideas, Ms. Isadir,

I'd be at home right now,

sleeping on my Canada
goose-feather pillows.

Alice!

What about swan feathers? I have these.

From my 2013 Carnival outfit.

Oh, I'm great.

And I have these mats.
They're thin but you can use them.

-They'll hurt your back.
-How many mats?

-One, two, three.
-No. Don't count me.

I have a date.
Look at his mezzanine.

-Wow!
-Nice house.

Bye, guys.

She's your daughter.

Hi!

Hi, Isadir.

Isadir, beautiful,
let's sleep in this sleeping bag.

-We'll be vacuum sealed.
-Vacuum sealed?

Go to hell.

You've caused enough problems.

Guys, I almost forgot.

I made everyone hot dogs.

-Yay!
-I love hot dogs!

-Is it pork?
-Shoestring fries!

Get one. Don't be shy!

-I'm on a diet.
-I don't eat pork.

Don't worry, there's no meat. Take it.

It's good. Try it.

Take a bite.

No meat.

Everyone knows there's no meat in sausage.

Yes! Take a bite.

It's got it all.
Nails, cartilage, bones, feet…

Take your hot dog.

I'll eat out, because I'm breastfeeding.

I need to eat healthy, Carlos.

I know a great place. I'll text Cezinha.

Listen, go to the Shaved Cow
after work. It's great.

Let's go, guys!

Shaved Cow!

Ms. Isadir.

Didn't you say
this was a five-star restaurant.

It is.

Look.

Sandra, Selma, Sueli, Simone, and Simaria.

They died and became stars.

I love it, Mom.

It's good for Noah
to get used to the weather out here.

Such nice weather.
It must be 40 degrees outside.

But the food's always hot.

-It's never cold, huh?
-Yeah.

What is that?

I'm calling the waiter.

You'll be waiting until tomorrow, Alice.

How embarrassing. Everyone is looking.

-Sorry. She doesn't know.
-I'll do it.

Edvaldo!

You called? Edvaldo is here!

Oh, Edvaldo!

-Amazing!
-Cezinha!

How's your mom?

Ms. Isadir! What would you like?

I'd like-- Can you ask--

It's so good. My mouth is watering.

Beef stew.

-Some mashed potatoes.
-Mashed potatoes.

I'd also like some rice with veggies

and a Coke Zero, because I'm on a diet.

Do you have a Caesar salad?

No, but we have a Cézar salad.

Carlos, if you want dessert,
they have Flanvinho. It's my flan.

-I'll have the salad.
-That's all?

-Yes, honey.
-Just a moment.

-Go ahead.
-Fabulous! Pay me a visit later.

-He spits when he talks, but it's fine.
-He's sleeping, huh?

Here's to Cachambi!

A Cézar salad.

-Wow!
-Sausage?

A Caesar salad doesn't have sausage.

A Cézar salad does. I love sausage.

-We love it.
-We do, right?

You better eat that sausage,
because I'm paying.

He's crying a lot, baby.

I'll get his pacifier from the car.

One second.

Of course he's crying.

He spent a whole night in Cachambi.

Funny that he only
started crying when he got here.

But that's cramps.

When they cry in C minor, it's cramps.

-What are you doing?
-Making some tea.

Holy sh*t. The gas.

-My God.
-What?

It's not cramps. It's his tooth.

-It's his tooth.
-What?

Massage his gums here.

Excuse us.

Isadir, he's a newborn.
He doesn't have teeth.

I forgot to get the gas fixed. Shut up.

It is a tooth, okay?

Because indigo children

are already born with teeth and retainers.

Great, honey.

Hold him for a bit. I need a hot shower.

-Okay.
-Great idea.

Good thing you waited to shower.
My electric water heater isn't working.

I even brought my stuff
to shower here too,

since your water heater is gas.

The gas.

-Excuse me.
-No!

-No! You're not going.
-What, Mrs. Isadir?

You can't take a shower.

-Why not?
-No hot showers.

-Why not?
-Because I saw studies on social media.

Hot showers can engorge your milk.

God, this is ridiculous.
Get out of my way.

I won't hold my grandson
so you can do him harm.

-You hold him.
-Okay.

Okay? Hold Jorge Noah.

Get out of my way! Goddammit!

-Don't say unholy words near my grandson.
-Carlos!

My God, I'm exhausted.

Ridiculous.

Aloísio, I'm done.

-Move it.
-What do I do?

Ms. Isadir! The guy you called
still hasn't shown up to fix the gas.

-My God.
-A lack of responsibility and commitment.

On whose part?

Shut up.

Ms. Alice just went to take a shower,

and the gas is still shut off.

Maybe we should
heat water in the microwave.

-Go.
-I'm going.

Go. Go to hell.

-Oh, God, Fátima!
-A handyman?

I have to call a handyman.
What's his number?

-It's written down.
-Under what letter?

-Under H.
-Okay.

Hello.

Carlos, I just wanted a hot shower.

I won't even mention

that your mom mixed slate with tile.

I was napping but I heard you.

You know Anitta?

She's always bringing in
other artists, it's called a feature.

Why can't the outskirts
do a feature with Barra?

The doorbell.

I'll get it, and I'll get it fast.
Show some respect.

Look at her hand.

Oh, Flavinho.

-Wait.
-You have a key. Why didn't you come in?

I stole the…

-Hold on.
-Hi, everyone!

Flavinho is the handyman?

Yes, I'm handy and I'm someone's man.

Everyone has a side job.

Actually, I'm late on rent.

With the money you'll pay me,

which will be a lot,

I can fix my teeth.

I'll fly away.

How wonderful.

-This will take forever.
-Seriously.

I'll use these baby wipes.

You have baby wipes, Alice?

-Great. Come here.
-What?

Can you lend me one?
I have a date tonight.

Could you lend me a wipe

so I can wash my coochie?

What?

No, honey. I'm talking about Noah.

-Oh, God.
-Ask for one.

I'm going to sleep.

Go get some sleep, honey.

Look, Carlos.

What's up, Carlos?

-You're smiley.
-I am.

Listen.

The nanny I hired online

won't be here…

My God!

-When?
-For true weeks!

-Oh my God.
-How many weeks?

She said it wrong!

What about right here?

Wrong! That's the beaver!

-Thank you!
-Thank you!

Thank you, Nilópolis!
Campo Grande! Nova Iguaçu!