02x05 - Carnaval Baby

[bunniefuu]

Look.

I mean…

Okay.

I didn't realize how tall that guy is.

With your 20-inch TV,

even the Pantanal looks small.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

Just remember,
your apartment will be done today,

and tomorrow you'll be back
with the 20-inch.

Look, Fátima.

I don't know whose kid
she had in this novella.

First, she got with Maurício Ricardo,
then with Marco Rodrigo,

and then with Fiuk.

Why show your boobs in a novella?

It's a paid advertisement
for breast implants.

Oh, really?

And this photo from Carnival '85?

Did you let your shirt fall on purpose?
Did you want to look hot?

At Carnival it looks hot.
On TV it looks slutty.

SMOTHER-IN-LAW

Do we know who the dad is?

I don't know. It's over.

CARNAVAL BABY

-I want to watch!
-I don't want to.

-This dad stuff is stressing me out today.
-Yeah?

Because Carnival… I'm stressed…

-Why?
-Carnival in 1985, I was…

I was so crazy, Fátima.

No, babe. I'm asking whose father…

Say what?

Isadir.

You don't know who Carlos' father is?

Focus on the TV.

I'm going to complain to Twitter about it.

I'm a hater now.

I'm sick of this novella. It sucks.

Do you know how to write a tweet?

I only know how to complain
to Renner stores.

-Do you think they'll transfer you?
-Jonas!

Grandma wants to know

how to complain to Twitter!

Text me about it on WhatsApp.

Grandma, it doesn't work like that.

And they leaked
the ending on Twitter already.

I'm not telling you
so I don't give you spoilers.

Doctor, I'm a little nervous.
I don't know if…

Alice, why don't you
name your son Spoiler. It's so nice.

Spoiler.

It's great because it's gender-neutral.

Do you see
why my blood pressure spikes, Dr. Leitão?

It's important to avoid stress
at this stage in the pregnancy, Alice.

-Let's have some calming tea, then.
-Let's do that.

-Excuse me.
-Go ahead.

-Honey?
-What's wrong?

I'm just a little jealous. Is that wrong?

That man smells like floral soap.

What the hell?

Wow, Fátima.

That Dr. Leitão made
my coochie's blood pressure rise.

Really?

Honestly.

I know that man from somewhere.

He looked into my soul.
Give me that photo album.

Album?

That's so old school.

That's why I prefer Tinder,
I never have to revisit the photos.

But this Tarzan is worth revisiting.
Look at the size of his vine.

-Isadir.
-It took three pages.

Isadir, why didn't you date this guy?

Because his vine
must be hanging pretty low now.

-It's not doing much.
-Listen, Doctor, thank you so much.

You calmed me down
and I'm feeling a lot better.

-I've been so sick of everything.
-It's true.

I've been so unwell. It's crazy.

That's very common
with pregnant woman, okay?

How funny. I haven't introduced myself.

-Isadir.
-My mom.

Fátima. I'm her friend.

She's my wingwoman.

Actually, I got sick before my pregnancy.

Sick of my husband.

-But I got pregnant--
-Please.

Ms. Isadir, please.

-Come with me.
-Sure.

-Have a good one.
-Bye-bye.

I'm sorry, Carlos.
I was being nice to the doctor.

I remember now, Fátima. I did the math.

Fátima, Carlos is a Carnival baby.

Fátima, for Christ's sake,
I'm sure that Tarzan is Dr. Leitão.

He was already a doctor back then.

He told me, I remember.
"I'm a medical resident."

I said, "No problem. I'm a patient woman."

Isadir, how can you be so sure?

It's easy. Do the math, Fátima.

Two drinking games, two glasses of wine,

and a little whiskey,
divided by 100 condoms

equals one child.

My God, I have to do a DNA test.

I'll steal a strand
of his hair for the test.

Isadir, if Carlos is really his son,
will you tell him the truth?

Don't sit down.
I'll be like Camila Queiroz.

I'll keep secret truths.

Good morning, working class!

Good morning, new money.

Not so new,
now that your Botox is wearing off.

I woke up feeling sick already.

-Must be the baby.
-Good thing you have an appointment.

Dr. Leitão is coming back.

-But my appointment was yesterday.
-But I wasn't there.

-My pregnancy isn't at risk.
-But you're rich.

Okay, honey?

You need to take advantage
of your health insurance.

If I had good insurance
when I was pregnant,

Carlos' whole photo album
would have been ultrasounds.

Cancel that appointment
because I don't need him.

I feel great.

He could check my kid out.

Does he take low income insurance?

It's great that your apartment is ready.
You can go back to living in Cachambi.

I don't know. It's not quite done yet.

There are a few details to fix.

We'll see what happens
when this baby graces God's green earth.

I bet you'll miss me.

Don't worry, honey.

I hired a nanny from North Carolina, okay?

Carolina from the mall up north?

I don't…

Be careful with her.

She owed me money a while back.

Then she sold me
a pair of flats for 50 bucks.

Isadir!

Come here.

-Come here, woman.
-What?

What if you can't get the DNA? What then?

I'll go to the FT.

What's that?

Fortune-teller.

She'll show me.

She'll know.

Good morning!

-Good morning!
-Good morning, ladies!

What's up, Mom?

Are you happy to be going home?

I'm not, but it looks like you're really…

-Are you okay?
-I can't breathe.

You're really happy about it, huh?

I'd just like to know
who will wash your underwear.

The washing machine.

Also, I'm all grown up these days.

That's not what Alice says.

I heard her saying,
"Let me ride this little pony."

Mom!

That's called an invasion of privacy.

No, that's called drywall.

Your walls are… You rich people…

I'm talking to you.

It's not worth skimping
on brick and cement. Learn that.

-Are you even mine?
-I'm not a child!

Speaking of which, I donated blood
to a boy at the lab today.

You can't resist a test tube, can you?

Oh my God, Grandma. It was a blood drive.

I posted a picture of his needle.

-Look how big it is!
-My God!

Wow.

Oh, Márcia, you know…
You really took after you Grandma, huh?

I miss young needles.

I can picture Navalha's needle right now.

He used to send me nudes.

It made my eyes bleed.

Ms. Isadir, Dr. Letião
is in the living room.

-Dr. Leitão is here.
-Isadir.

My God, Isadir, where will you
get the money for the test?

Guess.

Don't look at me!

I'm saving up for an air fryer.

-Why do you need one?
-Why not?

You don't f*ck. Why not eat fried food?

-I like it.
-Jesus, it's one of life's pleasures.

Good Lord.

Come on. Let's go.

Here.

Alice, I was here yesterday.

-What happened?
-Have some water.

-Take it. Drink.
-Thank you.

Did something happen?

Your mother-in-law called me
saying it was urgent.

It's just a precaution, Doctor.

Honestly, it's my son's son.

At least, we think. It's always clear
who the mom is, but the dad…

I'm so sorry, Dr. Leitão.

This was a misunderstanding.
I'm feeling great.

I'm not feeling great, Doc.

I'm feeling gassy,
like I told you on WhatsApp.

-Who is she?
-I feel like my belly skin is stretching.

What do I do?

Drink water, and you drink some, too.

Drink some water. That's enough.

You're done.

Hang on. I'm thirsty.

Too much water
is bad for plants and bad for you too.

Give it here. Relax.

-Relax.
-Oh my God.

Ms. Isadir! Marinez, dry him off.

-Pardon me.
-No, don't worry about it.

-Leave it.
-I'm feeling sick!

Could I be pregnant? Come here.

-What?
-I'm feeling better.

I remembered I have an IUD.

Excuse me. I'm going
to the bathroom to clean myself up.

-Look at this.
-Great, I'll take you.

-I'll help you.
-My good God.

-Did you get the hair?
-I didn't get it!

He must take copaiba oil.

It's so thick. What now?

It's fine.

We'll get his cup from the kitchen,
because it has DNA too.

How do you know?

I learned it on Ratinho's show.

He teaches genetics
better than Drauzio Varella.

-Hurry.
-Hurry up, Fátima.

Your a*s is huge.

Who? Okay.

Oh, so you only wash the dishes
when we don't need to you, huh?

I want to get everything clean
before I go on maternity leave,

or there'll be a mess.

I'm enjoying my last days
with a clean credit score.

Because once that kid is born,
it'll be a mess!

Oh, yeah?

Fátima, we have to go to plan B.

I told you not to follow him.

He's going to a sleazy motel. Now what?

-Sex.
-What?

Fátima.

Hey, excuse me, sir.

Would you mind coming with us
and saying we're a throuple?

No, I'm married. I can't go in there.

Why? With two hotties like us,
it'll be an upgrade.

They'll think
I thought it was a nursing home.

Ageism is a crime, okay?

You're lucky I'm not 007,
or this gum would be a b*mb.

Did you get this uniform
from the dirty bin?

It stinks.

Get into character.

Hi, there. Room service.

But we didn't order anything.

-Did you order anything, baby?
-Not me!

This is meal service for your husband.

It's free for seniors.

To make sure you leave here full.

What's going on here? Elderly call girls?

Fátima is the only call-girl.

She might not be Bernardes,
but she's always going to urgent care.

She's always getting doctor's notes
to get the weekend off.

Ms. Isadir?

She's my patient Alice's mother-in-law.

Oh, Alice.

You're playing doctor with Alice
and giving the mother-in-law injections?

I've never been so humiliated!

Baby! Please, wait!

-A hair!
-Hair!

Hair! Give it to me!

Calm down, Fátima!

What the hell?

You square.

You know how cheap motels are.

The room service is always self-serve.

What the hell, Isadir?

I'm leaving before the cops show up.

Wait, give me your number!

Yes! His cellphone!

He doesn't even have a passcode!

-Who are you calling?
-Márcia.

Hello?

-Hi, Márcia.
-Why her?

It's Grandma.

Remember when I took you
to that underground bingo game

without your mom knowing?

Grandma is going
to need you to repay the favor, okay?

Meet me at Fátima's house. Cachambi, 744.

Fátima's house…

That doctor is going to come after us.
You always get me in trouble!

-Great idea.
-What?

I'm going to slash his tires.

-There's nothing here.
-No way!

So my grandpa isn't my grandpa?

I've always wanted
my life to be a novella,

as long as there's no marriage.

I'd like a remake
that didn't end in prison.

Slashing tires won't help you with that.

I should slash your tire
to see if it makes your waist smaller.

There's no jail time for slashing tires.

What about stealing cellphones.

Oh my God, Grandma!

Hi, ladies!

Wow, the g*ng's all here today.

Xuxa, Eliane, and Angélica.
And I'm Mara the marvelous.

-Why the long face?
-This is my face. No filter.

What's wrong with you?

This is my face without Cezinha.

He works all the time and I feel lost.

I can smell him on the sheets
and I don't want to wash them.

Gross!

Wash those sheets, Flavinho! My God!

Jesus.

This might not get you jail time,

but when my mom finds out,

you'll be back in Cachambi forever.

Don't worry.

Her apartment is ready.
She's moving in tomorrow.

You're not the local news,
but you're always telling sad stories.

Go to hell.

Look, I got Dr. Leitão's DNA sample.

Here's his genetic material.

Take it to your boyfriend at the lab

and test it for me.

I need to know
if your dad is Mr. Leitão's son.

-Please.
-Okay.

Hurry, Márcia!

-The phone.
-My phone.

Not mine. It's Dr. Leitão's.

My fingerprint isn't working.

It worked.

-Audio.
-Hello?

Dr. Leitão?

Where are you, Doctor?

Ms. Alice is having serious contractions,
but I'm fine. I'm feeling great.

Aside from the gas I told you about.

Is that normal, Doctor?

This isn't an appointment.
I'm just asking.

-I think it's over.
-I fell asleep!

Marinez talks too much.

I'm trying to get ahold of Dr. Leitão.

But I just buzzed him in the gate.

I can hear his phone ringing.
It's like he's in here.

No, I…

Hello? Hi.

-It was a phone company.
-Was it?

They want me to switch carriers,
but I'm brand-loyal.

Alice, what are you doing out of bed?

-You're not well!
-Calm down, Carlos.

-It was a false alarm.
-Yeah?

The door? Who's at the door?

Listen, I know I'm okay.

-What?
-Who is it?

Let me talk to her.

-It's Dr. Leitão.
-Isadir!

He's here.

-Hi, Doctor.
-Doctor!

How are you?

For Christ's sake, where have you been?

-Where were you?
-A motel.

-With your mother-in-law.
-What?

You were in a motel
with Alice's doctor? What the hell?

What's the problem?

Just because I'm old,
I can't go to sleazy motels?

If it was a physical therapy appointment
would it be okay?

The problem is that she barged in
and stole my husband's phone.

You stole my doctor's phone?

-You stole--
-And his scalpel too. To pop his tire.

Shut your mouth.

You might not be a Virgo,
but you're sure fixated on details.

She sucks.

I put a tracker

on my husband's cellphone.

What a toxic relationship.

It's as if you weren't a hot,
free man in the '80s.

We went all the way to Cachambi.

When we got there,
the tracker said the phone was here.

-What?
-I'm calling.

NICOLE

It's ringing.

Chill out!

Let go! Let go of my purse!

She doesn't have
a warrant to search my purse.

Did you have a warrant to raid my room?

No. I had contacts, honey.

Yes. I know Sandra,
the manager of Motel Peripécias.

She's Jorge's sister
and Carlos' milk sibling.

-And a friend.
-Your friend?

-No, Fátima's.
-I love it.

-Who, Sandra?
-No, the motel.

One time Aloísio and I
won a free night there on the radio.

We knew everything there was expensive,
so we brought a cooler.

They didn't let us bring the cooler in.

You had to leave the cooler outside?

Wait!

-Look!
-I'm so glad you're here!

The DNA results.

What are you talking about?

Maybe, Carlos…

I've told you before…

-What, Mom?
-You're a Carnival baby.

But maybe I had the wrong Carnival goer.

The genetic material you took

from my father's father,

a.k.a., my grandfather,
couldn't be analyzed.

It's synthetic.

-Synthetic?
-What?

Mom!

Help your grandma!

-I'm weak in the knees.
-Are you okay?

What do you mean, synthetic?

This is crazy!

I personally collected
a strand of the doctor's…

It's not a wig, because the oil…

Unless that wasn't Dr. Leitão's hair.
It was…

-Oh my God!
-What?

I got it!

-This is ridiculous!
-My lace wig!

A doctor's wife wearing synthetic hair?
Go organic, girl!

Absurd.

Please!

It's just like mine.

Carlos, I need to tell you something.

You might be Dr. Leitão's son.

What is she talking about?

No.

Yes. We had a fling during Carnival '85.

Mom.

Wait, we were already married in 1985.

It was one night. It was Carnival.

It was only one night.

The rest was during the day.
He had eye problems.

Oh! Disgusting!

Wait, Mom.

Are you telling me
that Dr. Leitão is my father?

But wait.

He can't have kids.

None of us can. At our age?

-Plus, I have an IUD.
-How humiliating!

She left.

What she means,

is that I'm sterile.

-Oh my God.
-My God.

Alice, given all this,
I'll have to refer you to another doctor

to help you through
the end of your pregnancy.

-I have to go.
-Wait, Doctor.

-My water is about to break.
-You're jumping ship?

I'll show you to the door.

Would you be able to check if I'm dilated?

If everything's okay?

It's nothing. You took an oath.

Once again,

your mother has lost me a doctor.

-Yep.
-That's how they are.

They're like dildo batteries.
When you need them, they're out.

-What's wrong?
-What happened?

-Oh my God!
-Sit down.

-What's wrong?
-This time it's serious.

-My God!
-My water broke!

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Stay calm, Mom!

I'll do your cervical exam.

I'll watch Under Pressure
to see how they do it.

-I know which season.
-Are you kidding me?

Under Pressure?
Netflix is full of great medical dramas.

That's the competition!

-Hurry!
-Don't complain about having less lines.

Wait!

We don't have time to go to the hospital.

Guys, don't worry!

I'll handle this.

I helped Ingrid deliver.

Who? What are you talking about?

-Is that a relative?
-No, a neighbor.

Oh, thank God.

Remember the dog from next door?

I delivered her baby. I need
a towel, rock, paper, and scissors.

-And glue.
-Okay.

Paper glue?

Paper glue.

No, epoxy glue. It's good for gluing cuts.

-Okay.
-Go.

Relax, Alice!

-Push, Alice!
-Mom!

Push, Alice!

Push, Alice!

-Push!
-I see the head!

-Bite the cushion!
-Bite it!

-He's coming!
-Bite it!

-What now, Mom?
-It's hairy!

Is it crowning?

Look, some of his hair.

I'm not faithful.

Neither am I.

I forgot, sorry. Go ahead.

I forgot.

-It was a false alarm.
-You should be in the bathroom.

In the bathroom?

-The bathroom in the bedroom.
-I see.

Why didn't you go after him?

Because I… I couldn't.

A doctor's wife
with a synthetic wig? Go organic, girl!

Yes, Carlos,
I did laugh at Flavinho's joke.

-Thanks, everyone!
-Thank you!

-Thank you!
-You were amazing!