01x07 - Swipe Left

[bunniefuu]

A NETFLIX SERIES

-Carlos?
-Yes, love?

The app may not be working.

Maybe that's not it.

I have app issues too.

It was the app that typed "cow"
in the family chat.

I mean the realtor app.
We're looking for a place for you.

-Carlos. Will you allow…
-What?

…Mommy to be kicked out of the house,
despite my heart condition?

Love, Mommy has a heart condition.

How about the condition
our marriage is in?

Mommy, our marriage is in poor condition.

Do you know what it is?

-Lack of sex drove her nuts.
-C'mon, love.

She's stressed, inconvenient, a mess.

She's a mess without getting some.
See, Carlos?

Mom.

-Gotta shake your branch, man.
-Mom.

-I've lost all hope.
-Alice.

I got it. Try a dating app.

You didn't have apps back then.

Of course we did.

Silvio Santos was our dating app.

You'd want to tear down that wall
in the name of love.

So…

-It was so much fun, Carlos.
-Really?

-But it's been so long, dear.
-Honey.

I got that. The F-word is international.

Stop it, you two. No need for that.
Listen, Mom…

We know you're in need of companionship.

Isn't that it, love?

We're looking for places nearby,
so we can still see each other.

Don't bother, Carlos.

If it's nearby, I'll just stay.

-No, but--
-Save money.

I went for some ingredients,
but inflation is so high,

cooking now costs an arm and a leg.

Exactly.

By the way, I can't find
the expensive champagne from Paris.

Have you seen it, Isadir?

I've seen…

Hey, everyone. This is Alice's champagne.

A cow bought it.
Party animals will drink it!

Have you seen it, Isadir?

What?

The champagne.

No.

I promised it to Vera Lino.
I must find it.

Vera Lino, the troubled actress
who lives here in this gated community?

The more trouble with the law, the better.

She must become my client.

That's why I invited her over today.

I love living near celebrities.

Ashton Crutches was my neighbor downtown.

Ashton Kutcher living downtown?

Not Kutcher. Crutches.
He was always on crutches.

That's why he was famous, Alice.

I'd always yell at him, "Keep moving."

-No champagne, then?
-I haven't seen it.

I must bring Vera to my practice.
I'll see if Marinez found the bottle.

No, I'll help you find it.

You're like a daughter to me.
I'll do you a favor and look for it.

Do me another favor.
Look for someone on a dating app.

-Okay, dear?
-All right.

-You could use some…
-I could.

All right.

Go straight to hell, you cow.

Let me call Fatima.

-I'm here.
-Fatima, please…

Fatima. For God's sake, Fatima.

I can't download this app.

Now you bring me cheap champagne?

Geez, Isadir.
It's what I drink on New Year's.

That's why your life is so shitty, Fatima.

Where's the bottle?

-The bottle.
-Is it this one?

Oh Lord.
Why do you make me do this, Isadir?

Love, I told you. I'll buy another bottle.

No, I want that bottle.

Look, I found it.

Here, Alice. May I take it to Vera?
It was at the pool.

No. Are you nuts?
Do you know how much this bottle costs?

I have the receipt.

What?

It's natural medicine.

Hey.

It's a beautiful day. Runny and weathered.

It's perfect to catch some waves.

Going to the beach?

Nope, I'll be channel surfing in my room.
It's high tide up there.

From my bed, I can visit beaches
and rocky mountains.

Rocky or stoned?

We need to talk.

We sure do.

-Let me go to the bathroom first.
-Yeah, right.

So…

I got to go home and water my babies.

Ricarlene, Helio, and Ricardo.

They're my vines.

-All right.
-See you later. Bye.

So is Fatima a plant lady now? Poor thing.

I'm no plant lady. I'm a party animal.

Could you get me on a dating app?

-I'll download it.
-Please.

-Grandma can't do it.
-Hey, what's that?

-C'mon, Grams.
-What?

Did I really hear you say dating app?

Lower your voice, Jonas.

I don't want anyone to know I'm a widow

who hasn't had sex in about 15 years

and is all grayed out everywhere.

Hey.

Where's my warrior lady?

Oh no, honey…

I'm getting really worried, you know?

-Why?
-What if I can't do it anymore?

Really.

I'm serious.

Back in the day,
when I had sex with your grandpa,

he said I acted just like a door.

You were always open.

No, I was always creaking.

It must be the end of days.

How much crazier can this family get?
I'm not sure I can take it.

I'm not done, Jonas.

He called me a door,
but I wasn't creaking.

Your grandpa had hearing problems.
I was actually yawning.

He thought…

He thought I was moaning.

I was just yawning.

When is it too much information?

Sorry. I didn't want to get this personal.

I feel a bit embarrassed.
Let me talk to your sister.

Just between us girls.

-Sisterhood
-Sisterhood

Let's go.

If you'll excuse us.

Intercourse in old age
is completely normal and healthy.

It may improve
your quality of life by 80%.

I had this case of an old lady
who had sex with her husband

after a 20-year dry spell,
and I even created a chart for it…

Are you Dr. Phil now?

I want sex, Marcia.
I don't want a class about…

No eavesdropping. Doing dishes.

Actually, I saw a commercial
for this dish soap over here.

It's with the actress. What's her name?
Vera Lino, our neighbor.

One drop, and you can wash 1,200 dishes.

Did you run into Vera here?

Once. She was walking her dog.

-So nice.
-She is?

No, her dog is.

She looks like she bites.

Marinez, go work elsewhere.

Alice asked you to wipe it all dry.

-Wipe what?
-The pool.

-Wipe the pool dry?
-To hell with you, nosy girl.

Give Grandma your health advice.

I'll help you make an account
on a dating app.

But I'm still so worried, Marcia.

Is it dangerous, Marcia?

Could I end up naked on a deserted island?

No, Grams. It may end up in marriage.

Oh, so it is dangerous.

Marcia, remember my neighbor Sueli?

She met with this guy once.

He looked like Prince William in the pic.
In real life? More like Willem Dafoe.

Really?

How about you? Who was your last kiss?

The napkin.

No, really, my child.

Grandma… I ordered some pizza.

We just got carried away.

I said, "Let's Netflix and chill."

I told him,
"I'll find the perfect series for you."

-Got it.
-Which one?

Too Hot to Handle.

Well, I downloaded the app.

We just need to set the neighborhood
where you'd like to hook up.

Select Angola, Mozambique, Portugal.

Yes, they speak Portuguese too.

I can't learn languages just to get laid.

-It's only in the city.
-Anywhere, then.

Public transportation
is free for the elderly.

-Okay, profile picture.
-Okay, take my photo.

It doesn't need to be from the side.

I didn't know that. Take it.

-Okay, hair down.
-Down.

-Like a top model, all right?
-Hold on, Marcia.

I want to see lust in your eyes.

Now, as if you had allergies.

Pretend you're sneezing.

-Stick your butt out.
-No way, child.

Don't bully me. I'm flat.

-Looks good.
-Good.

If you don't like this photo, swipe it.

-Another one.
-Okay.

"I don't like this guy." Swipe it.

Hello, girls!

What's up?

-It's up!
-So great!

-Good morning, Dad!
-It's all up.

We were doing some choreography.

Hey, that's nice.

You love dancing, right?

-She's a bit rusty.
-Very rusty.

What? I don't get it.

Okay, honey. Mom, I gotta go.

-You do?
-Just saying bye.

I'm off to work. Give me a hug.

-Good.
-Come here…

Mom, when you have your hair down,
you look just like--

Queen Latifah?

No, like Alice.

That's mean, Carlos.

Why, Mom? Alice is gorgeous. C'mon, Mom!

Now I'll post this picture
with my hair down, and just you wait.

I'll surely get lots of likes.

I feel like a teenager again.

I bet they saw it.

I bet I got many likes.
Let me check it out.

"Checking account overdraft."

WARNING

Go straight to hell.

Hey, Isadir.

-Yes?
-Can you take my picture?

I'll post it to celebrate
that I'm representing Vera Lino.

Okay, let me take it.

No, you must use my iPhone 13, dear.

What…

-What is it?
-No battery.

I have a high-def camera.

Mine is low-def. Want it or not?

-Well, okay.
-Let's do it.

-You look good today.
-Thanks.

I wish I was born with that face.

There. Oh, my back hurts.

Can you send it to me?

-I'll send it to you.
-All right.

She's a cow, but a damn gorgeous cow.

If only I had hips like hers,
I'd flaunt it on the dating app.

I'd send out nudes. I'd get some…

That's what I'm doing.

I'll use Alice's picture instead.

Now it will work.

Otherwise…

INBOX

My… They like it…

Oh Lord. It's raining men.

Oh Lord. If I meet all these men,
I'll end up very sore.

I got an app, Fatima.

-It's like the weather channel.
-Why?

So many alerts.

-Girl.
-Good heavens.

I can't picture you
on a dating app, Auntie.

Cezinha, where's the other half
of all these panties, boy?

I'll put these aside to try them on.

-Show us what you got.
-Okay.

-Feel free to pick some for you.
-Okay.

What if we had dating apps
back in our day?

We wouldn't have to go
to all those dances.

They used to sing.

Don't want to suck my thumb
Come here and give me some

No way.

Let me see it.

Is that Zé Nelson?

Isn't it? When I was still living here,
he'd always poke me.

Really? On Facebook?

No, on the bus. "Time to wake up, Isadir."

Geez, that's right. Let me see. Girl.

Is this Misael?

We always see him around.

Really? He's 46 and does bench work?

What a liar. Did you see that?

He's been drunk for 46 years.

Let me tell you.

He sleeps on a park bench.
This other picture is fake.

Look at that. Oh Lord.

Have they got no shame,
using a fake picture?

-Can you believe it?
-Give it back, Fatima.

-Show me your photo.
-No.

-I won't show it.
-Let me see it.

-Let me see your picture.
-No.

-Why?
-Give it to me, dear God.

Isadir.

You're using Alice's picture?

But Fatima, we look identical.

No way, Isadir.

-With makeup on, I look just like her.
-Show me.

You're even using her real information.

"I'm legal."

I wasn't referring to her degree, Fatima.

-You got a message.
-Show me, Fatima.

-Middle-aged man uptown.
-You see?

"My name is Gerson, but you can call me…"

Big G.

Call me Big G.

My dear Alice.

My husband and I
will certainly enjoy your champagne.

Thank you for trusting me.
We'll do great together.

Oh, I'm sure we will. Gotta go.

Really great together.

Extremely great.

Isadir, why shop here instead of uptown?

This is a cheap drugstore.

Uptown, everything is expensive.

-I'm--
-How can I help?

Could you lube me up, please?

You need meds for hypertension.

It would decrease my tension.

I'd also like some

flavored condoms.
Strawberry, chocolate, citrus fruit.

And some Adalat for hypertension.

We have the generic one,
which is almost the same.

One more thing, please…

Viagra.

We don't have that brand name,

but the generic one works just fine.

I won't take any chances.
I want the brand name.

Geez.

I gave thumbs up to the drugstore guy.
He gave me thumbs up back.

-Show me.
-Look.

-Hi.
-Hi.

We liked each other on the app, see?

We did?

Check it out. My name is Isadir.

No, wait. You're not this Isadir.

I'm the generic.

I work just as well.

He asked me for a half-nude, Fatima.

No way. Wait…

Ask him for a half-nude too.

Why half-nude?
I want him nude all the way, Fatima.

Will he notice a difference
from the profile picture?

Even without a filter,
Alice and I have the same sh*t.

-Wanna take a picture?
-Let's do it.

I'll send nudes.
Come, I need to change my clothes.

Go, Fatima. Hurry the hell up.

Come here, Fatima.

-Wait.
-Hurry up, Fatima.

-One, two, three.
-Here.

Geez… Isadir…

You have a pigeon tattoo down there.

It's not a pigeon. It's a phoenix.
As I got older, so did she.

Today it'll rise from the ashes. Wait.

-Let me grab a peach.
-Why?

I wanted a theme for this photo sh**t.

Peel my peach?

Peel my peach, and you'll yell "preach."

I got an idea.

To make it less vulgar,

why not call it Brazilian Wonders instead?

-Got it?
-Okay.

A picture for each tourist spot.

-Okay, I'll put the peach down.
-Leave it.

Let's do it, then.

-Tijuca National Park.
-Here's my bush.

-Barra Lighthouse.
-Shine a light on these.

Why boobs?

Because these sandbags could sink ships.

Okay, now a very hot one.

-Very hot.
-Amazonas Volcano.

Here's my inactive volcano.

-Gorgeous.
-What's all that?

I was fluffing the pillows.

-I'm leaving now.
-Oh no.

Dinner is in the oven.
Hope you're hungry for some steak.

-By the way--
-Yes?

Guess who came over today.

-Who?
-Vera Lino.

-Oh.
-The actress?

Vera Lino was here with her husband Big G.

-I'm leaving.
-God bless.

-Bye, ladies.
-Bye.

-Take care.
-I sure will.

-Go to hell.
-Big G?

Here in the gated community? Really?

-Lord.
-You got a message.

-Oh God. It's him, Fatima.
-Oh God.

"Double-crossing b*tch."

Is he a vet by any chance?

"This is his wife." For the love of God.

"I'll gouge your eyes out
with my bare hands."

"Don't mess with Vera Lino."

Oh my God! What do we do, Isadir?

Oh Lord. Get the door.

-My God.
-Come, Fatima.

Hold my phone. Come, Fatima.

-Where is she?
-Where?

-Where?
-Where?

Where's that crazy b*tch?

-b*tch?
-I'll k*ll that cow today.

No, that's our dinner.

I'm talking about Alice.

-Okay.
-I have a pounding headache.

Pounding.

It's pounding with anger.

It must be the horns.

They say you get horns
if you're cheated on.

What's with the noise? What happened?

-Vera Lino, how are you?
-Great.

Can I get you anything?

Your wife!
So I can wipe the floor with her!

What happened?

She's cheating on you, stupid!

She's sleeping with my man!

That's how crazy this family can get.

-Let me call Alice.
-I'm your fan, Vera.

Can I get a selfie?

Straight to voicemail.

Susana! I want a selfie.

-What's that?
-Her name is not Susana.

-This is Vera.
-Fischer?

-No, Lino.
-Lino!

Since you're here, Cézar,

could you keep her company?
I'll get us some snacks.

What's up, Grams?

Jealousy. It's just jealousy.

Mom is more jealous
of her microwave than of my dad.

Of course. Your dad has a micro
and doesn't turn her on.

-How about the app?
-The app?

-Do you need anything?
-Prayers.

Pray for Grandma to be okay.

All right?

My Lord.

I swear that from now on,
I'll stop doing stupid sh*t.

I promise.

My Lord!

My Lord.

My Lord.

My Lord.

Do you have any evidence of that?

You want evidence?

Here's some evidence!

Your sl*t is right here,
using a fake name.

-Isa… Isadir.
-Isadir?

Isadir is a lame fake name.

It's a lame name. Never liked it…

Here, I got you some snacks.

It's a bit overcooked. Hope you like it.

What's going on, Isadir?

There she is!

-The neighborhood sl*t.
-What's going on?

Sorry, a dating app sl*t
goes beyond the neighborhood.

I can't believe it.

Alice. Girl, I had no idea.
You look so sophisticated.

Respect her.

I bet your mom messed up my vibe.

Messed up your vibe?

-Your vibe?
-Let's stop it.

Calm down!

Your vibe?

You're a sl*t!

My Lord. Now what?

Come test my vibe!

-I'll kick your vibe's a*s!
-Don't hurt my son!

Done.

-Calm down.
-Stop it.

I was the one using the dating app
as per Alice's recommendation.

I told her to create an account,
not to use my photo.

You wanted me to get some?
You attracted them all.

Mom.

Why use the sl*t's picture?

-I don't get it.
-The sl*t is pretty.

-You mean--
-She's pretty.

That's why the security guard
was hitting on me. Jerk!

He's a jerk, but he's got a nice baton.

Mom!

He's much bigger than Carlos.

When it comes to Dad,
it isn't that hard, right?

You shouldn't be laughing.

Your Big G wasn't that big.

There, I said it.

I like you. Lucky you.

Actually, we shouldn't be standing here
arguing about pigs.

These men.

We could join forces.

-Sorority.
-I told him to go to hell.

-Sorority.
-For sure.

-If you want me to, I can help.
-I like him. She's tough.

-I'll help with your divorce.
-So jealous.

Right?

-I'll even give you a discount.
-I could…

Yeah, I need a divorce.

-Let's have a toast!
-Yes.

-I'll open it.
-No.

Don't open that champagne bottle.

It's not a good match for the snacks.
Cultural shock.

Pour me some.

-No, let's have some Coke.
-Pour it down.

Heck.

A toast!

Great!

Oh Lord.

If your services…

She's choking.

…are as shitty as this champagne,
I'll need another lawyer.

I'll be right back.

-Drink soda.
-Be right back.

I must say

it was hard work to fill this bottle up.

-What did you pour into it?
-Mom.

It's the generic,
but it works just as well.

I'll buy you another bottle!

No, I want that one. I gotta look for it.

Listen, Fatima…

Oh, it's full!

Lord, it's full. That's crazy.

No, let's do it again.

Here. Evidence!

Evidence?

-Yes.
-You want evidence?

That sl*t of yours is right here,
and she's using a fake name.

Here's the sl*t.

Swipe left.

Come, Fatima. Let's go, Fatima.

-Fatima, for the love of God.
-Careful, Isadir!