01x05 - Bad Luck Bazaar

[bunniefuu]

A NETFLIX SERIES

Mommy?

Where are you going?

If I could, I'd go visit
the Shrine of Our Lady of Aparecida.

Oh, I see, Mommy.

Your heart issues.

No, my wallet issues.

With my retirement pension,
I'll need a miracle to stay alive.

Well, as I said,
you're anxious and stressed.

It's the crisis of the thirties.

Aren't you way past
a crisis of the thirties?

No penny to my name for 30 f*cking days.

-Oh, c'mon, Carlos.
-What, Mom?

Honestly, Carlos, God is great
because I get my pension today.

-You know what that means?
-That you're old?

Sorry, you can only retire nowadays
if you're dying.

Listen, my dear, I started working
when I was very young.

Stop it.
Dad said you were always unemployed.

I was unemployed,
but I was a lot of work when I was young.

Thank God I'm getting my pension today.

I can buy groceries.

That's funny.
You've never put any food on this table.

But I do bring the booze.

I can't live without my blonde ale.

Actually, you've been drinking my beer.

You can't be a single beer short?

No, I can't.

Well, finish it up, then.

Talking about being short…

-You--
-Hey, don't be pointing at me.

Of course, I apologize.

We're short on cash.
You didn't give us our allowance.

We'll need financial relief.

You two must be more independent.

Dad, I'm very independent with your money.

For example, I got a date with a guy
without your help.

-Now, no cash for a love motel.
-See?

You keep this boring talk.
I'll get my cash.

Then I'll go get some nice beer.

You just got a pacemaker, Mom.

Okay, Carlos, will you control my life
as if I were a little kid now?

-Off to the bank.
-Not a kid…

Mom.

Hey, Mom. Stop.

Mom, I'm talking to you.

Don't be crazy.
You're not going to the bank.

Do you really need a small pension?

Your dad was small,
and I didn't let it go to waste.

Talking about waste,
I'll donate these to Judite's Bazaar.

Oh, love, that's a great idea.
You're always full of surprises.

Carlos, I'll donate
some blouses to Judite's Bazaar too.

It's a charity bazaar,
not the national museum, my dear.

You know, love, watching you
as you get it all ready for donation,

I'll go through my closet
and donate stuff I don't use.

You got no use for your shitty wife.

I was a hit in Central Park
wearing this dress.

So would I… Excuse me.

Wearing this dress, I'd also be a hit

at the park downtown.

It's very pretty indeed.

-I'll go get my pension.
-No, stop right there.

You're in no condition to leave
and go to the bank.

The doctor said I can have sex

but should avoid crocodile style

because of my back.

-Crocodile style?
-You never did crocodile style?

You take off your clothes and dentures
and crawl toward your prey.

My God.

You're shameless. Let's do this.

The bank is near my office.
I'll cash your pension check for you.

I treat my pension
like kids taking a test.

I supervise it all.

The uptown branch is cool.

My a*s. I'm not banking here.

People at the uptown branch
are a bunch of snobs.

I know all the tricks downtown.

I can avoid getting robbed. I'm going.

Pass me the bag. I can take it.

-No…
-I'll take it for you.

I'll stop by Judite's and drop it off.

-Will you really take it?
-Love…

-She doesn't trust me, Carlos.
-Calm down, Mom.

I carried him for nine months,
why not a bag?

Calm down, Mom. Alice, you can trust Mom.

Will you drop it off?

Of course I will.

Alice, I said I'll drop it off

at Judite's Bazaar, so I'll do…

-It.
-Thanks.

Wouldn't I look hot
walking around in this dress?

Where would you go? Cash your check?

I could meet anyone
waiting in line, Fatima.

There's always someone
willing to invest in a cougar.

Isadir! Geez, girl.

Some people appreciate
more experienced ladies.

None of these clothes
match our downtown style.

Oh.

-Beautiful.
-Look at this one. And this.

This is so your mom.

-Pretty and stylish?
-No, old and worn out.

Auntie, this one-piece
is so perfect for me, I'll take it.

-How much?
-I wasn't going to sell it, Cézar.

But you just gave me…

I can do 100.

Geez, Isadir.

-Well, 50, then, Cézar.
-All right, let's do 50.

-I'll give you 50.
-Okay.

Get yourself a blouse, Fatima.

None of this goes
with what I usually wear.

I like keeping a balance.

That's why you always get dizzy, Ma.

Your usual look hurts fashion's feelings.

This would look good on you.

No, Cezinha, this neckline is too bold.

-I'd need a bigger chest.
-Looking at your chest…

It seems pretty deflated.

Cezinha. Stop that. So mean.

-Rude.
-He's right, Fatima.

Let's drop it off at Judite's.

First I'll go get my pension check.

I must pay Carlos back,
finance my trip to Aparecida,

and save for the installment.

-What installment?
-My boob job.

All this talk about chests
reminded me to save for my cans.

The line is moving, my friend.

Woke up early to take a nap in line.

-Go straight to hell.
-Hey, Isadir.

I think we're too early.
All I see are old people.

We're in the right place, Fatima.

Don't get me started… Hi, Aurora.

Hi, Aurora.

-Heard about her?
-No.

Lost her husband. Heart attack.

He went down hard to the ground.
Last time he got hard.

Wow… How horrible.
You need perfume to cash a check?

No, to cash in on a hottie.

-If he's hot and rich, jackpot.
-Put it away.

What's that?

A blood pressure cuff.
Do you have high blood pressure?

Don't you remember?
My husband died in bed with me.

He had high blood pressure.
We had no way to monitor it.

You got one, and he's dead.

I'm alive. I'll sleep around,
but I won't k*ll anyone.

Isadir…

Are you here for your pension
or to check out some pensioners?

-Both.
-You and your plans. What's that?

Do you still use passwords?
You have to register your biometrics.

My fingerprints are gone, Fatima.

They're worn out. Hi.

Years of writing on a chalkboard
have worn my fingerprints out.

Didn't you memorize it? Why write it down?

-Why don't you shut your pie hole?
-Geez.

-Just asking.
-You and your g*dd*mn questions.

You got your own talk show now?

Rude. May God help me.

-The line… Don't worry.
-What is it?

-I'm just following her.
-Go straight to hell.

-Hey, Auntie.
-I'm your auntie in hell.

You're too old to cut in line.

I'm too old for everything now.

I went to the hospital. They cut me.

Know what I mean, old timer?

Excuse me.

-Excuse me. I'm sorry.
-What's wrong?

What's going on?

Ma'am, put all metal objects
inside the tray, please.

-What a clown.
-Isadir, calm down.

-Your pacemaker will go off.
-Pacemaker.

You have a pacemaker?

The pacemaker has metal and is inside me.

Actually, I lie.

I was rollerblading once,

and I went tumbling down.

I have one screw in my knee.

One screw loose in her head.

Ma'am, do you have a pacemaker or not?

You see this bump scar?
You thought it was a bump in the road?

Well, it actually mellowed me out.

Back in the day,
I would have grabbed you by the ba*ls.

For the love of God. Please let her in.

-Isadir.
-What?

The kid over there is staring at us.

Why is that?

He's horny.

-It's all your fault, Fatima.
-Mine?

-Yes.
-Why?

You wanted me to keep 2,328 reais
and 55 cents inside my panties?

-Stuff it in yours.
-It could give me a rash.

But I can get a rash?

You'd get some action down there.
C'mon, Fatima.

Honestly.

-I'm in debt to my eyeballs.
-I know. You owe me 50.

You get a little cash, it goes to sh*t.

Got cash? You break something.

Chip a tooth. Get mugged.

Well, you thought the kid was into you.

Do you think I'm unaware?

Do you think I'm a crazy old lady?

Do you think I'll seduce a young one?

-It worked.
-Grandma, listen up.

Pull up your shirt slowly
and keep your mouth shut.

I'm quiet as a mouse in bed.
I just roll my eyes.

Isadir.

-He's got a piece.
-Of course, Fatima.

I'm wearing a push-up bra.
He's happy to see me.

-I'm talking about a real g*n.
-Shut up, Grandma.

She does look like a grandma.

I mean you.
Give me the cash in your brawl.

It's not "brawl," it's "bra."

I'm a language teacher.
It's short for brassiere.

-Hand over the money!
-My God! A g*n.

Hurry up. Do it already.

My pace…

-My pacemaker…
-What's that?

Isadir, how are you going to pay Carlos,

your trip, and your boob job?

We'll sell all of these clothes.
It's charity for me.

Who'll buy clothes from you?

Our friends.

Isadir, our friends live on pension.

Isadir, for the love of God.
Think about poor Solange.

The old lady broke her dentures.
She only smiles on one side.

She had better spend on dresses
than on Corega.

Fatima, give me a break.
They all got their checks today.

They're ready to spend it.

We've got to figure out
how to organize my place.

I don't have extra chairs.
Old people can't stand for too long.

Listen, Fatima.
We'll have our bazaar in this mansion.

Yes, everything looks pretty here.

Not really, because you look the same.

What if Alice catches you red-handed?

Alice won't catch me.

I'll sell all her clothes
by a baker's dozen.

Really, Fatima.

I know what to do. You'll see.

Here's what I'll do.
This dress, for example.

This was imported, as we know.
It would sell for 120.

I'll charge 60 to sell it fast.

They usually go
to the dressmaker downtown.

I got a maker too.

I got a pacemaker.

Girls, if you buy three or four,
you get a discount.

I'll let you get the Prada for 60.
Take it or leave it.

It's too expensive.

Leave it, then. Go straight to hell.

-f*ck.
-For the love of God, Isadir.

They're just lonely old gals.

They should be playing solitaire, then.

I saw you playing solitaire last week.

-I'm old. And so are you.
-I'm not.

Not old. Vintage.

Talking about vintage,
I posted on Facebook

a picture from when Zé and I
used to go to nude beaches.

No way. Zé was a nudist?

You could hardly tell.

His big belly covered it all.

You know what they used to call him?

"City of God."

Why?

Because of Zé Pequeno.

Love it. Yes?

I'll take this one.

I want to get a boyfriend. How much is it?

The dress is 90.
A boyfriend would take a miracle.

Cleide could never take a joke.
C'mon, Cleide.

How much for the dress?

This one is… It's 100.

It offers good contrast.

It's pretty, but it's plain.

It's pretty. You're plain.

-It's okay if you don't get it.
-I got it.

-Here you go.
-All right.

-Grateful.
-Thanks.

-Got 100.
-Cézar!

The one-piece is no good. Too long.

I wanted it to be UMA.

-UMA?
-Up My a*s, Mom.

I wanna go out dancing.

Cézar, I won't take it back.
No returns at my store.

No returns. Case closed.

Wake up. I know my rights.
I'll take you to court.

See you in court. I won't take it back.

-Try me.
-Isadir?

-Is that you?
-Clean up!

-Grab it all!
-Let's go out by the pool.

C'mon, Ivone, run. Get your purse.

Get your purse! Go! Run!

Run!

Run, Fatima!

Go! Run!

-Isadir?
-Yes?

Did you drop off the clothes?

I dropped it all off at Judite's Bazaar.

-The old ladies are so happy.
-Oh, that's great.

-Socialites will attend the event.
-What event?

The charity event.

My clothes are exclusive, high couture.

High couture?

Not so high.
Cézar ain't tall. They fit him.

Shut up, Fatima.

The goal is to raise 50,000.

-Those clothes for 50,000?
-Yes.

I'll go get ready.

Okay, go get ready.

Fatima. I'm in the sh*t, Fatima.

She said 50,000 reais?

If I had 50,000, I'd get pans and pots,
new rugs, and a Bluetooth pacemaker.

-For God's sake.
-The old gals are by the pool.

-Let's go, then.
-Go!

Come, Fatima! Can't you…

I have osteoarthritis.

The bazaar is closed.

You gotta go. Bye, Claudia. Go with God.

Okay, Regina? Time to go.

-Oh, no…
-Done, Cleide. Don't complain.

She always got issues.

Now go, all right? Okay? Keep walking.

No, you can't take anything.

Amazing. They're just too much.

Can't pay for the purse, can't take it.

I told you to put it down. Nasty gal.

Cézar, I'll take it back, okay?
Hand the one-piece over.

-C'mon. I'll take it back.
-Look, dear.

Demi Lovato has one too. I'll keep it.

You're no Demi Lovato.
Give it, or I'll eat sh*t.

-Give it to me.
-This one is mine.

I won't give it back.

-Wanna see me go crazy?
-I'll give you another 100.

Oh, you touched my heart.

-Here. It's mine.
-Thanks. All yours.

Go with God.

-Wow, she really liked it.
-Isadir.

Poor old gals.

Look, Fatima.

I got 200 reais.
Get an Uber. It'll be okay.

Go on foot.
The cardiologist told you to exercise.

-Gimme my money, Marinez.
-Cool it.

Give it back now!
Lucky you I have osteoarthritis, you jerk!

-Pull.
-Get me out.

-I'll get that cow.
-Go get her.

-Let's go.
-The bags.

-Cezinha, the one-piece.
-Take it off.

Go get her.

-Listen to me…
-It's wet. You'll fall.

Listen to me, Marinez.

My bazaar went south. I got no money.

I'm in worse shape
than my husband after the '80s.

Why the '80s?

It was downhill after the '80s.

Isadir, as my boss Alice would say…

"Can't help you now."

This kind of secret on these loose lips

would be worth 350 reais.

You're lucky I didn't add taxes.

Please, have you no shame?

You're taking money
from two old, frail ladies.

You were taking advantage
of those poor old gals.

Shut up. Aren't you on my side?

Lord… Fatima, could you take the clothes
to Judite's Bazaar, please?

-How?
-Don't know. Uber maybe?

-You got money?
-I don't. Maybe Marinez does.

My silence is gold.

-It's all on me now?
-Get on a bus.

Get on a bus? I did nothing wrong.

-Don't like buses?
-Oh, I love 'em.

-I'll walk.
-The bus stop.

-Right outside.
-Let me clean.

Listen, cow. It's you and me now.

No, it's us three now.

My silence is gold too.

She's like her mother. Another cow.

I carry the same genes.
My silence is gold as well.

All right, then. What's your pass phrase?

-I'll make a transfer.
-Here's mine.

It's "Dr. Marcia Put It Inn," double N.

Okay.

Grams, I'm so sorry.

I don't like extortion.

I opened an OnlyFans account
and made little money.

They said, "I saw it for free"
and didn't wanna pay.

-Why's that?
-I know. Same thing happened to me.

My username was "See it again."

My pass phrase is
"Light it up hold it in."

No spaces. Okay?

-Kind of long.
-See if you got it.

-Mine is "bad a*s teacher."
-Lower case letters?

No, capital "a*s."

PASS PHRASE: badASSteacher

I'll look for a nice outfit
to join Mom at the event.

-Yes.
-Or she'll do it again.

Do what?

She donated a dress last year
and bought it back for 5,000.

-For 5,000 reais?
-For 5,000.

-I'm off.
-Go with God.

-Mom is just shameless.
-Damn, she paid 5,000?

Damn. It's 5,000.

My Lord in heaven.

Saint Barbara, Saint Expedite,
Saint George, Mary Undoer of Knots…

No, not all at once.
You'll cause a bottleneck.

Isadir…

Could you help me out, dear?

You need spiritual help? I'm here for you.

If you need money, I got loans to pay.

I got a call from Judite's.
One dress is missing.

Damn it. Well…

So here's what happened. What happened?

I asked Fatima to drop them off
because I got mugged.

I was really shaken after that.

You got mugged?

A young man came on to me, I said no,
he got upset and took my money.

-My Lord.
-What, Mom?

You got mugged?

-Calm down.
-Where? When? How? Tell me.

Calm down. Are you a reporter?
Who, what, where, when?

-Tell me, Mom!
-Calm down.

I'm just a MWWP.

Mature Woman With Pacemaker.

-I worry when you go out by yourself.
-I worry about my dress.

If you liked your dress so much,
why did you donate it, then?

I tried to let go of it.

Let go of your purse. I'll take it.

It seems you're doing okay.

I'm like the Amazon.

I look great from a distance.
Get close, and you see the damage.

Do you know how much I paid for it?

-How much?
-I have no idea.

-I paid 5,000 reais.
-My Lord.

You haven't the slightest idea
of what 5,000 is worth.

Damn, girl.

It was 5,000,
and that old rag gave me 200?

What, Reginaldo?

Say it. I'm pissed. Don't wanna talk.

What is it?

No way.

An old lady wants to be buzzed in

to complain about
what she bought at Isadir's bazaar?

Reginaldo, tell the old lady

she's welcome to come in
and file her complaint.

I looked all over my closet,
and I can't find the dress.

Kind of funny, right?

You tell me to get my life together,
but your closet is a big mess.

Don't talk like that.

-She's pushing it!
-She is.

Mommy, if you need help,
I'll organize your closet for you.

-Which dress is it?
-Low-cut.

Swarovski crystals. And it's blue.

Yes, it was blue,
and the Swarovski crystals got in the way.

How do you know?

I don't.

Actually, Swarovski crystals are no good.

I like a different kind of finish.

Rayon isn't itchy
and pushes your boobs up.

Finishes can't help you with saggy boobs.

You got fake boobs, Alice.

You got a boob job
after breastfeeding these two.

Your boobs were cross-eyed.

-Mom.
-Now they're… pow.

Listen up…

My pension check is sacred.

You should use it to help me
pay down that hospital bill.

-You owe me.
-She'll pay us now.

-Shut up!
-A mosquito.

I'll bring this house down
if I can't find my dress.

I want my money back.

-What is this?
-A strap broke on the train.

See, only got one now.

-My Lord.
-Good God.

-Look what you did.
-Get it for Mommy.

And the other one.

-Wow, so many beads.
-For the love of God.

Isadir, the travel agent called.

We must make up our minds
on that Aparecida trip.

With what money?
I can go as far as downtown.

To hell with everyone, my Lord.

-I want my money!
-Yes, yell at her!

-Geez, Granny!
-So aggressive.

This is messing up my vibe.
I'm out of here.

You're leaving?

-I'll k*ll you!
-It's raining crystals.

-I worry when you go out.
-I worry about my dress.

So, Mommy. What gives?

I don't have
all the answers in the world, Carlos.

I'd rather keep mum.

All right, then.

I forgot all about MWWP.

-Your turn.
-Your turn.

You look well.

If that's what you see,
that's what you get.

You'll keep mum again?

I will.

Oh, f*ck. Sorry, everyone. Let's do this.

But your saggy boobs can't…

-Straps.
-Straps.

So much better with the audience's help.

When the audience helps…

Thank you.