08x06 - The Curicksous Case of Bethjamin Button

[bunniefuu]

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

[ Sighs ]

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you got ♪

♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
Clear!

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad
you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

Who's ready
for Earth World?!

Moms, I-I can't find
my cross-body bag!

Where's my cross-body bag?

Summer: Stop saying
cross-body bag.

On you, it's a fanny pack
up higher.

Rick: Space Beth,
you're driving.

I'm low on wanting to drive.

Jerry: W-Would one of you mind
making me a quick sandwich?

You know theme park food
gives me interesting stools.

Read the room.

We're not going.
Look at us.

No, you got to come.

It's an absolute
train wreck--

this dude, he's never been
to Earth,

But he loves it.

And he sucks at making
theme parks.

Both: We said f*cking no!

Alright. Fine.

But nobody wants to see
a Beths adventure.

[ Sighs ]

I thought cloning was supposed
to make us happy.

I hate my life.

And I know
you have to hate yours.

Hey!
Sorry.

I started drinking
in the car.

♪

Why are we miserable?
It's not Jerry.

Yeah, it could be worse.

I mean we could have
married Pep Rosenfeld.

Oh, my God.
I forgot about him.

Oh, he died in that thing, right?



We can't just put it
all on Dad, right?

Oh, we're done
with that guy.

"I had a bad dad."

Shut up.
Write a book about it.

I'm just so tired of all
the sh*t we have to do to live.

You abandoned
all your sh*t.

There is so much more sh*t
in space!

When was the last time
we were happy?

Truly happy?

Felt pretty good
when we were kids.

Oh, my God,
I wish I could be young again.

That kind of wish
never goes the way you want.

That being said...

Uh, why do you have
a de-aging machine?

When I'm bringing in bounties,
I change 'em into kids.

This car fits 10 kids
if you pack 'em right.

Sounds efficient.

Is that... worth
dealing with 10 kids?

Oh no, I drug them, too.

Wait, will my clothes
be super huge or--
Oh, no, no, no.

Technology this advanced is
indistinguishable from magic.

[ Machine whirring ]

Whoa!
Whoa!

My face... my skin!

I can see everything!

And my mouth tastes so clean!

Whoa, my knuckles work!

No pain!

You look like sh*t.

Wait, no!
Come back here!!

Get ready.
Earth World is a mess.

No creative consistency.

Last time I was here,
they had a whole ride

dedicated to Pol Pot.

There's a non-zero chance
you'll lose an eye.

Oh, that wasn't the vibe
I got from the waivers.

Waivers?
Yeah, from the website.

Website?!

Welcome to Earth World!
It's me, Dr. Dogballs!

What the hell?!

I love Earth so much
I made a theme park--

just like they would on Earth!

Oh. [ Laughs ] Yeah.

Wow, I-I guess this does seem
like it sucks.

Good one, Grandpa.
You still like stuff ironically?

No, it used to bad bad,
which was good.

There used to be a ride called
"It's a Small Black Death"!

Looks like they've got
just a regular GAP.

Rick, w-were you just drunk
when you were here?

I'm drunk now!

Where's all the rusty nails?

Where's the Herpes Family Flume?

Light-up corn dog?
Get the f*ck away from me!

Can't wait to get a photo
taken with... Marie Curie?

I-I think that's John Legend?

Maybe they picked John Legend

'cause his name implies
he's really important.

Rick, how were you thinking
we should enjoy this?

Wow, they have a hall
of Presidential Pets?

Like that?
Do you think
I can meet Socks?

I'm not gonna sh*t on it
too hard

'cause I know
you'd punish me,

but isn't this just
a mid-'90s outdoor mall?

Oh! My bad!
Oh, my God!

You're a real Earth person,
aren't you?

From Earth?!
Uh, yeah.

I'm, like, starstruck.

A real human.

Ooh, you smell nasty.
[ Laughs ]

Oh. I mean, is that--
is that good?
Absolutely.

Well, it's nice to see
something in this park

still grimy and real.

Then I-I'm as nasty
as they come.

Can you believe
my grandpa loves this place?

[ Laughs ] Lame.

Beth!
Where'd you go?

Beth?

Beth, I want you
to have fun,

but I need to know
where you're having it.

I found a possum!
Oh, my God!

Aaaah! No!

I don't wanna be old! Aaaah!

You're in so much pain,
and you don't even know it!

[ Machine whirs ]

Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.

I-I forgot just how insane
we were as a kid.

I shouldn't have pitched this.

You have got to try it.

I'm over here!

Okay, sweetie, this is
your two-minute warning.

It's almost time
to switch back.

[ Giggles ]
You got to find me first!

Too slow! Try again!

Alright, let's go.
That's enough. I'm serious.

[ Giggles ]

Alright, Beth.

Aaah!

Surprise!
You done been got!

Do it.

[ Machine whirs ]

[ Both giggle ]

[ Both shrieking ]

Ugh! That bathroom
was a ride, too!

I had my pants down
and everything!

I really do need to go.
Just go in a bush.

I swear it used to be
funnier than this.

Don't turn around.
I-I-I'm squatting.

Hey, you can't go... there.
Like that.

You used to be able to piss
wherever you wanted to.

Like on Earth.

Grandpa Rick, take the L.

Let's get Morty and go home.

Yeah, this place is f*cked.

Corporate takeover.
Board-approved changes.

Steve Jobs dies, and we get


Oh, no, the guy who made
the park is still alive.

He is?
Yeah.

Rumor is,
he still lives here.

Down in the tunnels.

Hey, Sum-Sum,
You like breaking rules.

Ooh, did you bring molly?

Hurry it up, Jerry!

It's your fault I have to go
like this.

You destroyed my urethra

when you turned me
into a trash can.

Follow me.

And of course I brought molly.

TV Announcer:
Uh, if you're just
joining us tonight,

we have a-- oh, my God.
It exploded.

Oh, God.
All those astronauts.

It's-- It's worse
than any expl*si*n before it!

This is hilarious.

Hey, yo.
Check this out.

Awesome.
No adult is getting inside.

Also, don't sit
on that chair.

The cushion is knives.

Somebody's got to sit on it!

Gene should sit on it.

Bam! Nice!

Whoo-hoo!

Hey there, girls.

I'm guessing one of you
is Beth from next door,

and one of you is her... clone?

But you're both
little girls now?

Not that strange,
given what I've seen.

What are you,
a scientist?

Come sit in our chair.

Well, based on the design
of your makeshift harpoon,

seems like you girls
are on a bit of a spree.

Feel like I'm gonna be walking
into some booby traps.

Let's have some cocoa instead.

"Let's have some cocoa."
"I'm divorced."

Hey! That is cruel
and technically untrue.

But you're
in an altered headspace,

so I know you don't mean it.

Why don't you two sit tight?
I'll get the Swiss Miss.

Let's go.
Go where?

Go hunt him.
Unless you're scaaared.

I'm not scared of anything.

Let's get in the walls.

Morty: Wow, this is
a good photo of us.

Keep talking.

I can smell your
rotting breakfast.

Oh, God.
Your hairs are insane.

They're all over your body.

Can I touch them?
Say a human phrase.

Say "grocery list"
in that stinkbody accent.

You mean my voice?

Yes!
"Grocery list."

I love your tooth-filled
big hole

and the other,
less-used holes on your face.

Okay, um,

I'm getting the feeling
that you're not into me

a-as much as you like the idea
of being with any human.

Does it matter
if I'm still turned on?

No, I guess it doesn't.

I want to get your wet muscle
in my mouth.

You mean my tongue?

I don't care
what it's called.

Rick, I know you're having
a bad time.

But I think I saw
a Panera up there

that might change your tune.

A Panera?!
Yeah!

Shut up.
Is that Kevin Costner?

Wait, why do I know that?

Did Father make
new models?

I don't recognize you three.

No, I'm... Old Guy Fieri,

th-- this is Princess Diana,

and he's Mr. Rogers.

Or Brett Kavanaugh.

I wouldn't know.
I never left this park.

Us, too.

We're looking for Dogballs.

He lives below.

Dr. Dogballs.
My man!

Humans! Real humans!

The mad genius
who built Earth World!

Nobody loves Earth
as much as me.

Car, Muscle Beach,
property taxes.

But before I could complete
my perfect vision,

I was caught with incriminating
files on my computer,

and the board chained me up.

I watch animal p*rn*graphy.

It's my business.

Like with people and animals?

No, just the animals, sicko.

The original Earth World
was incredible.

I-I got strep
from a candy once!

Of course you feel that way.
You're a human being.

You know what Earth theme parks
are supposed to be like.

I'd take you to the dead zone
if I could

and show you
some of the old delights.

But they won't let me
leave my office.

They won't, but I will.

Welcome to the real
Earth World!

I guess this is closer
to how I remember it.

Oh! I stepped on a rusty nail!

Aah! Aah! Aaaah!

Hmm. At least Jerry got hurt.

Hot cocoa with
extra marshmallows!

Hope you got room
for extra marshmallows!

Look at him holding
marshmallows over our heads.

Like that's some kind of power.

I do like marshmallows.

He doesn't decide
about our marshmallows!

You should go up there
and cut him.

You should cut him.

[ Whispering ]
What should we cut?

I don't know.
Just start slashing!

Gene: Aaah! Aaah!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

My ankles!
I need a doctor!

Great.
Now we have to take care of him.

I don't want to take care
of anybody!

You take care of him!
It was your idea!

Both: Not it! Jinx!

I think you hit an artery!

She did it!
She's a psycho.
You're the psycho!

I watched you eat a bird!

After you tore off its wings!

I'll show you who's psycho!!

Yeah, run away, you baby!

Remember your affirmations,
Gene.

You deserve to live.

Oh.

Welp, somehow every decision
I've ever made has led to this.

♪

Aaaaah!
Get out of my treehouse!

Get out of my yard!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Aaah!

Fire alarm:
Fire detected. Extinguishing.

♪

Come on, Gene.
Not like this.

Not like this!

Hey, Siri, call 911!

Siri: Countdown to calling 911.

Calling 911 in 10, 9, 8, 7--

Why does it need a countdown?!!

Alien M.C.:
Earth's World w*r II was fought
with combines and harvesters,

and you're about to witness it
firsthand.

Oh, God, is that a live wire?

None of the electricity
is grounded here.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]
sh*t.

I-I got to get home
before Gene calls 911

from any other phone
but his own.

The head thing so you can
get out the way you came.

Wait, you're leaving?
I thought you loved this place.

Yeah, uh, I don't know.

I-I guess Morty was right.

Am I, like, supposed to think
it's cool

that there's measles
in the water, and like, snakes?

Nah.
Y-You guys have fun.

Aaah!
Oh. shiiiit!

♪

We're done here, boys.

Rick, your girls.

They're not good people.

Thank... you.

I've only been gone
for two hours!

Hey, Beths!

Deducing here that
you've been huffing childhood

and have overdosed on fun.

Ouch.

Child Beth: I'm gonna k*ll you!
Child Space Beth:
I'm gonna k*ll you first!

Ow, damn it!

That's it, we're done.

You d*ck!

Aaah!

Enough "Home Alone"-ing.

God damn it!

I cloned you to fix this,
not make you twice as annoying.

Dr. Dogballs: Oh,
I-I-can't tell you, oh, my God,

I've waited so long
for someone to see my vision.

And of course
it was real humans!

You're the perfect audience
for this--

my finest moment.

Oh, sh*t.
What's that?!

My beautiful creations.

They're going to destroy
the park.

Oh, God.

I thought they were people
in costumes,

but the costumes
are the people?

The people
are the costumes?!

All Earth theme parks end
the same way.

Jurassic Park, Westworld--

even the rides
inside the theme parks

tell the same story.

You're on a boat ride

when suddenly you take
a detour to a waterfall,

and now you're
in a pirate's den,

forced to suck d*ck
to stay alive!

Why would you do this?

The greatest tribute to Earth

is a theme park
that ends in chaos.

Be free! Be free, my lovelies!

Hungry for meat.

Eat meat!

Take it all!

Take the other one!

sh*t! Dad!

Take it! Take it all!

Blend in.
Stumble around!

♪

Yeah, you like that?
Labradoodle.
Mmm.

Coconut milk.
Uh-huh.
More human stuff.

Big League Chew.

Ooh!
Say something r*cist.

What?
C'mon, you're human,
it's your whole thing.

Uhhh...

I-Italians make pretty--
pretty good pizza?

No, do it hateful,
you disgusting little bug.

Uhhhh, did you hear that?

Now you're pretending
there's some kind of emergency?

I tried to be vulnerable
with you.

If you don't think I'm pretty,
just say so.

I'm sorry, but I-I'm
not just some sexual fantasy,

I'm a whole person.
C'mon, you guys
basically invented racism.

If I wanted to f*ck
something good,

I wouldn't have come
to Earth World.

Aaaah!

I don't even know who this is!
Aaaaah!

It's John Legend, I think!
Oh, my God!

Summer? Rick?
A-Anyone?!

Uh, that's the entire
Culkin family!

I-I guess there's seven of them?

Aaah!

I loved you in "Succession!"
I'm sorry!

Enough kindergarten.

I don't have time
to be your dad.

You never did!
You want me to be a parent?

Fine. No more talking
until you're adults.

Okay, whichever one you are,
you're up.

She can't breathe!
She can't breathe!

Aw, sh*t, f*ck!

Take that!
Aaah!

How old should we make him?

As old as it'll go.

[ Machine whirring ]

Bet it's scary
to have your life in the hands

of unreliable caregivers!

[ Groaning ]

Walk!
We're not taking care of you!

Yeah, get up,
or we'll leave you here!

Just like you left us.
Lazy piece of sh*t!

f*ck you, Dad!
f*cking as*h*le!

You didn't want us.
You just wanted to f*ck off.

I-I didn't leave.

My Beth died.

Yeah, well, someone left us!

And there's two of us now!

You should love us
twice as much!

Both: All we wanted
was to be together!!

[ Sobbing ]

Don't you... cry!

You don't deserve
to cry!

Proud...

Proud?

Proud... of you...

for making me old and beating...
the sh*t out of me.

[ Both sobbing ]

Proud you're--
you're both my daughters.

[ All sobbing ]

Ow. Ow.

You little b*tches
broke my bones.

[ All laugh ]

I'm sh1tting!

I'm not joking.

Stop making me laugh.

It's making me sh*t more!

Beths: It's perfect!

The only thing
that could make this better

is if something was on fire.

I might stab something again.

Probably should
turn you back.

Do most kids like
to stab this much?

There's the exit.
Stay close.

[ Screaming ]

Please help!

Oh, thank God!

How could you-- aaah!

Oh, sh*t, Morty's k*lling...

I think that's Rory Culkin?

I-Is that
who this one is!?

We got to bail.
Get a head.

What?
Put on Rory!

There's no room!

Ugh!
It's so wet in here.

It smells, too.
It smells wet.

They're coming!

Come on!

Come on, get in!
Where's the remote?

I lost the remote!
I can't shrink our heads!

Give me the keys!

More like Earth World.

What?
Like "Jurassic World"?
The big sequel?

I-I don't know
what you're saying.

Well, wasn't
it called Earth Park?

No!

Oh.

Is anybody getting cold?

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are
all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

I'm blind!
Space froze my eyes!

Yeah, Jerry, I told you
that theme park sucks!

♪

Rick:
Hello, you've reached 911.

If this is an emergency,
please leave a message.
[ Beep ]

Gene: The house
across the street from me

keeps disappearing
and reappearing.

I-I don't know
if that's an emergency,

but it's really upsetting.

Could you send someone
to investigate?
[ Beep ]

So, I was eating a burger,
and now my hands are burgers.
[ Beep ]

Hi, I'm being home-invaded,

and it's--
it's by a small home.

There's a small home
that's home-invading my home.

It's wearing a ski-mask,
but it's definitely a house.
[ Beep ]

There's a pigeon
outside my house

demanding to see
my birth certificate.
[ Beep ]

I'm beginning to think


an answering machine.

Also, I have eleven legs now.

Nobody ever comes.
[ Beep ]

Did you get any of that?