05x13 - Livin' La Vida Loca

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

- Previously on "Jersey Shore Family Vacation."

- International waters, here we come.

- Mike learned that the Florida Keys

are in the United States.

- Is this considered the United States still?

- Oh, my goodness.

- The meatballs did meatball things.

- Oh!

- I want you to make me a she shed!

- This is our main camera.

[balloon pops] [screams]

- We saw a dead body. - No, no, no, no.

- Oh, my God! - What?

- Sort of.

- Welcome to m*rder mystery dinner!

- [bleep]. - Gangster.

- You made me cry.

- Something big in my life has happened.

I moved back East.

- You sold that house? - Yes.

- Oh, come on. - What are we gonna do?

We're here. - East Coast Vinny.

- We got this, man.

- The Situation became a dad.

- First rule in the game is always do your taxes.

- And Angelina and Chris...

not enough time to explain what happened to them.

- We got it awkward over here.

- What is this kid doing for [bleep] sex?

- I just told you.

- Did he sleep with her? - Let's just say short of that.

- Just file and go.

- Is it weird that I want to try one more time?

- And now what's up next...

- Madison Square Garden, let's go!

- Might be wilder than anything

we've ever experienced before.

- [bleep]! [overlapping shouting]

- Boogie woogie woogie! - What are you doing?

[screaming]

- Yeah!

- Let's get this party started.

- Yee-haw!

- [laughing] Oh, my God!

- What happened?

- I think they think that we're alcoholics.

- I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little drunk.

- Oh, we got t*tties, b*tch.

- That's kind of true. - Yeah, I guess.

- I like El Paso this time of year!

- Cheers!

I can't even tell you the last time I was this drunk.

- I was like this two weeks ago.

- Tomorrow. - Fun.

- Oh.

- Oh, yeah! Stay classy, San Diego!

- San Diego!

all: Family Fun Day!

- Welcome to "Wild 'N Out!"

- Tell me why Angelina's [bleep]

looks like Pauly D's blowout.

all: Oh!

- I'm the best [bleep] party planner ever!

[loud slam] - [gasps] Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

- Your mouth's gonna drop.

You had sex with him!

- What are you, [bleep] delusional?

- Stop gaslighting my [bleep].

He's, like, in the [bleep] pot, and he's like--

This pot that Mike has stirred up is, like, huge.

- The old Sitch and the new Sitch are beefing.

- You're being a [bleep] friend.

- The villain is back.

- It's like I'm going to [bleep] w*r.

- All right, old Situation it is.

Oh. all: Oh!

- Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- I need to take a step back

'cause it's affecting my whole life.

- What the hell? - Ooh!

Now, even Pauly is, like, pissed off.

This is gonna be a nightmare.

- You had multiple side pieces,

and they all wanted to expose you.

- Say sorry! - Touch me again, I'm done.

- I'm not [bleep] done!

- Open the door. - You're mad at everybody.

- None of you have been there for me.

- Let me just speak!

- Don't [bleep] talk to me like that.

- [bleep]!

- We've given our [bleep] blood today!

- What just [bleep] happened here is [bleep] insane.

- You just poured water on me. Are you stupid?

- [bleep] as*h*le.

- I don't know how we're gonna [bleep] fix it.

- Use your [bleep] brain! - You don't [bleep] get it!

- Is this the prank? Am I getting pranked?

[upbeat music]

- Yeah, buddy!

- Party's here!

- The Situation is under construction.

- We're so classy now.

- On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

- Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

- Um, hello?

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- ♪ So watch me while I work ♪

- ♪ Drop it ♪

- Put them over here.

Come on, start being domesticated.

- Domesticated means

that you're starting to learn how to do [bleep] in a house.

"Hey, I have no furniture. Please bring your own chairs."

Some of the roommates are coming

for a housewarming party, 'cause I did buy a new house.

I know, I'm awesome.

"BYOC, kid."

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

[phone ringing]

♪ ♪

- Yeah, Ma?

No, Ma, I have food.

I got my food.

It's been a few months

since I moved back to the East Coast,

and now I'm renting an apartment in Manhattan.

Yes, I'm not coming.

I'm on a diet.

I love the city, and I love the energy.

[upbeat jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, honey. - Good morning.

There's a lot happening today.

Oh, damn, he's messing up the grass.

- There's always a lot in the schedule.

- Also, the stone people are here for the backyard.

- Okay.

- And that's your department right there.

- Yes.

The plumbing is still under here, though, right?

'Cause I'm gonna put a island here.

- Also, Romeo's baptism-- - Listen, don't remind me.

I have so much to do. - Yeah.

- I have to go to the restaurant.

I have to check with all the vendors.

We've been planning this for a long time.

- I know. I'm so excited.

My son is going to be introduced to God,

just like his daddy.

One, two, three, go.

[all cheering]

[cheers and applause]

- Hallelujah.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, you have a beanbag chair.

- Yeah. - Oh.

- Isn't it too early to be drinking like this?

- No.

- I want a tour of it. - Hello? Hi!

- It's beautiful. - We're here.

- Hi. - So pretty.

- So pretty. - Congratulations.

- It's beautiful. - Thank you.

- Congrats, guys.

- Do you want to do a tour?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- House tour, house tour.

Wow.

- Every bedroom has its own full bath.

- Very nice.

- It's like "MTV Cribs," just with no furniture.

This is, like, just, like, whatever.

I have to fix this.

And that's gonna be my makeup room.

- [laughs] - Your makeup room?

Are you Khloé Kardashian?

- Go to the basement? - You guys want to go basement?

- It's not finished, but it's nice.

- Holy [bleep].

- That thing right there, right?

Is that the sprinkler system? I feel like--

- That might be the lever for the sprinklers.

- They could actually k*ll bodies down here.

- I'm a little scared.

- And put them in the concrete walls.

- Let's go outside and look at the koi fish.

- Okay. - Koi fish.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- There's a fish.

- No, I don't see them, Ang.

How many dead bodies do you have in this house?

- There's fish in this thing? - Well, they're supposed to be.

- [laughs] - No way.

♪ ♪

- Wait.

No, that's not one.

- Honey, I don't think the fish are alive.

- No, they're dead.

- Father, Son, Holy Spirit. [blows kiss]

- No. - Let's go.

She's a m*rder*r. I told you.

- I'm sorry about the chairs, by the way.

[crash] all: Oh!

- Mike broke her floor.

- I'm thinking on this new house,

these crazy kids got a shot, clean slate.

So what room did you guys bang in first?

- We haven't. - Not yet?

- Stop it, dude.

- You didn't even christen the house yet?

- You have to christen every room.

- Coming home from Florida,

I really did have high expectations for Chris and I.

- You know, you know I love you.

I think you're funny. You make me laugh all the time.

- It's beautiful.

- Oh, my God, I'm not crying, you are.

- Stop. - Aw.

- Come on, Chris.

He was like, "I'm gonna change, I'm gonna do this,

I'm gonna be more attentive to you."

- You guys have to christen every room.

- Well.

- We only have beds in three rooms so far.

- You don't need a bed. - You don't need a bed.

- You don't need a bed. - [laughs]

- It's like a broken record for me.

It's just the same [bleep], different house.

- You guys think alike.

- And on that note, it's time to go home.

- Can I take a road soda? - Yes!

♪ ♪

- All right, love you.

- Congratulations.

Peanut! Oh, kaki. - She [bleep].

Bye-bye. - Bye! Love you.

- She wouldn't k*ll us. - No.

- No, we're her friends. [laughter]

- I'm gonna pee, I'm gonna pee.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

There's literally no parking here.

- Oh, you look festive. - You look like a lawyer.

- Where are we going? - Santa.

Could you take a picture of me and Santa?

- You are the same height.

- Shut up. - [laughs]

Oh, we're here.

How is your Berry Fuel?

- Energy ba*ls.

♪ ♪

- So is this baptism, like,

a full rager party like Deena's?

- Guys, we're taking a shot for CJ.

all: CJ!

all: Whoo!

- I'm gonna get another wine.

- Give it up one more time for Cameron [indistinct].

- Whoo!

No, it's the total opposite.

It's, like, a sit down. I don't think she got a DJ.

She got a event planner.

- Oh, my.

- We went to Angelina's to see Angelina's house.

- How was Angelina's house?

Were the fishies okay that I asked about?

- All right, Peanut, I'm almost ready to go.

Are you gonna be okay with Daddy?

I am flying to Spain to do a new show

with all people that are on different "Shores"

around the world.

Bye, Angeliney.

Don't worry.

You all right?

Last night, Chris and I got into a fight.

And as he was walking out of the [bleep] room,

he was like, "[bleep] you, b*tch.

I hope you [bleep] die in a plane crash,"

knowing that I was going to Spain.

[soft dramatic music]

This is not a [bleep] marriage.

He doesn't communicate with me.

He doesn't even show me attention.

I have to take this opportunity for myself.

- ♪ I let you under my skin ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I kept re-falling for you ♪

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- There's Nikki. - Hi.

- Hey, Nikki. - Hi.

- You're so cute. - Oh, it's so cozy.

- Thank you. - Oh.

- You guys, too.

- We're wearing the same thing. - Oh, my God.

- Was it a b*tch to get into it?

- I was like, "[grunts]"

- You always put your jeans on like that.

[laughter]

- Oh, do you guys have shots?

- I do.

- What--what is it? - It's, like, a health shot.

- It's not the shots we're used to.

- It's not the shots that you want.

[laughs] - I'll try it.

You go first.

♪ ♪

- Whoo.

- No, it's not strong at all.

- It's okay?

♪ ♪

- It hits after.

[laughter]

- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

What is that? [laughter]

[gags] It's burning my tongue!

- Nicole looked like the [bleep] "Exorcist" right now.

[ominous music]

[screaming in slow motion]

♪ ♪

All over, just everywhere.

- That tastes like sh-- no offense.

- [bleep]. - Nicole.

- Oh, my God. Ugh. - Nicole!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ [vocalizing] ♪

- Road trip. - All right, let's go.

- Myself and Pauly, we are on our way to New York City

to see Vinny's new bachelor pad.

- Let's do this.

Oh, yeah, it is a bit chilly out here.

- Welcome. Tribeca, baby.

- Oh, damn.

Yo, this place is nice.

Yo, I'm-- I'm hyped for you, man.

It's dope. - For you.

We can't go to Vinny's new place empty-handed.

I got him a really dope gift.

[laughter] - This is hilarious.

That's amazing.

- I think that we need to find a place for this bad boy.

- I mean, there's not too many places.

- I think it should go over the bed because--

- Yeah, if you need help cl*max,

just look right at me. - Yeah.

- [laughs] - You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah. - Oh, that looks good.

- Oh, my goodness. - Oh, that's perfect.

- Wow. - Beautiful. [laughs]

- This is dope.

We look like the Founding Guidos.

That would be our style back then.

♪ ♪

- You guys ready? - Yeah, let's roll out.

All right, so, Mike, where are you taking us?

- I've been scoping this place since we got out here.

You got to walk through the weeds to get to the flowers.

- Do we need reservations?

- Just step up to the plate.

- Oh, [bleep]. - Hello.

- Oh, damn.

- I might get the combo over rice, kid.

Did I do good, or did I do good?

- I thought we was going to a restaurant with reservations.

- I'm about to find you a wife right now.

- Let's stop trying to find me a wife.

- Dude, this reminds me of "Sex and the City."

- Yeah.

- But this is "Vinny and the City."

- Yep, yep. - "Single Vinny in the City."

- I'm Samantha.

[upbeat jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Excuse me. Are you single, by any chance?

♪ ♪

- Our boy, Vinny, is single.

♪ ♪

That's our boy, Vinny. He just moved to NYC.

♪ ♪

- Oh, [bleep]. [laughter]

- Angela.

- She is the one that got away.

- Daddy's going blonde today.

- Side shield.

- The chances of us

messing up Mike's hair are pretty damn high.

- Who is that?

- Mike just sent me a weird photo.

- Of? - Angelina and this random guy.

- Angeliners is actually in México

living la vida locas.

- [gasps] His hand is on her butt.

- There's a lot of story you don't know.

- I want you to be real.

- But please--

you need to keep this in my home.

- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- Hey, mister.

- Ma, what do you think of the hair?

- I think it's different.

- The whole family's blonde now.

- Yes.

- New hair. Who dis?

I feel like a new man.

[tape warbling]

- ♪ Two weeks ago, I hopped on a plane to Mexico ♪

♪ Flew to the desert to rap a show ♪

♪ 'Cause they love my flow ♪ [phone line trilling]

♪ From coast to coast, you already know ♪

- I'm on my way to Mike's right now.

Did you get all the stuff? - I got the goods.

I got everything you-- you told me to get.

- This is gonna be so crazy.

So Mike doesn't change much.

He doesn't change his appearance much.

He doesn't grow a beard, he doesn't grow a mustache.

His hair is always the same,

so we're finally going to change it

and make it blonde.

- What the hell are we doing about Lauren?

- Lauren is going to go pick up Nikki.

They're going to have a little girl's day.

- How are you? - Good.

[both chuckling]

- This is my first baby baptism.

- Oh, my God, really?

- I heard it's a whole, like, church thing.

- Yeah, and then we take pictures.

I just want everything to go perfect.

- Daddy's going blonde today.

- Put this eye shield on there, man.

- The chances of us messing up Mike's hair

are pretty damn high.

I kind of feel like I'm in "Breaking Bad" right now

cooking up some meth.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- To what extent am I supposed to feel the tingle?

- When I get a tingle, I call my doctor.

- [laughs] I want to set a timer right now.

minutes. - Copy, sir.

♪ ♪

Wow. - Oh, damn.

- That looks good. - You look like Slim Shady.

- More like Thick Shady. [Pauly laughs]

Mike looks like a fat, old Eminem.

Like a weird, like, villain from a futuristic movie.

[evil laughter]

I don't want to even know

how Lauren's gonna react to this.

- She told me not to do it, but--

- She told you not to do it?

- But she doesn't know what it's going to look like.

- Mike, but you didn't tell us she told you not to do it.

- Yeah.

She just pulled up. - [gasps]

- Yo, I got to get the [bleep] out of here.

- Honey? Hi, Moser.

- Lauren! - [indistinct]

Who is that? - See you later, bro.

- Mike, I'll talk to you. - Take it easy, guys.

Yeah?

- What happened?

Mike, you need to get in here.

We have to start pictures ASAP, and I know you're not ready.

- To honor my son's baptism,

my wife is wearing the same dress

that she wore during our wedding,

and I'm wearing the same tuxedo

that I also wore as well.

- Mike? Where is Mike?

Does anyone know where my husband is?

- All right.

- But we have no photos

of, like, this, which is what I want.

- My wife really wanted to pull out all the stops

for Romeo's occasion.

- Higher, honey, high. - I can't with my shirt.

- [bleep]

- I'm really getting Soprano vibes.

- [bleep].

- My wife, Carmela Soprano.

What is this?

- Just bring it.

Put all of this in my bag.

[dramatic music]

It's his boots and stuff, things that he's accomplished.

- Thanks for the answer. Okay.

- Make sure my phone's in there.

- You turned into Carmela today.

- We gotta go. - Should I keep my hands up?

- No!

- You know, that's just who she is.

[gospel music]

♪ ♪

- Take that. Take that.

Honey, can you just get him out?

We got to go inside.

- They ain't starting without us, honey.

- Mike, it starts in two minutes.

- Calm down, Carmela.

- All right, come on. Hurry.

♪ ♪

- This is one of the biggest occasions we ever done.

This is actually a baptism that looks like a wedding.

[Pachelbel's "Canon in D"]

♪ ♪

[Vinny chuckles]

- I don't know if I'm at Romeo's baptism

or Mike and Lauren are getting married again.

Based on their outfits, like,

they're getting ready for a prom, a wedding.

They're extra AF.

- Dear parents and godparents, your family

has experienced great joy at the birth of your child.

Today, this joy has brought you to this church.

[Uncle Nino snoring]

In asking for baptism for your child,

you are undertaking the responsibility

of raising him in the faith.

Do you understand this responsibility?

- Yes.

- So I ask you...

do you renounce Satan?

- This reminds me of the scene in "The Godfather"

when the priest says, "Do you renounce Satan?"

- Do you renounce Satan?

- I do.

- And all his works? both: I do.

- And all his empty show?

both: I do.

- Do you believe in the forgiveness of sins?

both: I do.

- I love that part.

[Uncle Nino snoring]

- To the glory and praise of God the father,

baptized in Christ, you are clothed with Christ.

all: Hallelujah, Hallelujah.

- Congratulations. [cheers and applause]

- It is very special to see my son get blessified.

It is very important that me and my wife

lead the way for our son, his faith,

and the path of integrity.

Having the support and love from my friends and family,

it just meant the world to me.

It's just so amazing right now.

- God bless for that.

Is it okay? - No.

- No? No. [laughter]

- Oh, okay.

- So He'll forgive him, He'll forgive him.

- To be honest, I don't know how Uncle Nino gets invited

to all these big events.

- Aw. - Mwah. Love you.

- I never invite him.

I actually tell people not to invite him.

- I'm looking for my nephew, Vinny.

- But it's their choice.

If you want to babysit Uncle Nino, be my guest.

- Where is Vinny?

How do I get to the Butcher Block from here?

I need a ride. - Oh, Uncle, come on.

- Let's go. We're late.

We'll meet you down there. - We'll meet you down there.

Come on. - You can't take me?

- Where is Vinny? - Come on.

- Could you give me a ride? Could you give me--

Come on, ladies. Let's go.

I'm going, I'm going.

That's my new girlfriend over here.

- How did this happen?

- I don't, Mike. - Is this allow--

Larry, is this allowed?

- This is my new lady right here.

- All right. I guess so. All right.

- ♪ Living, let it in ♪

♪ Switching, switching it up ♪

- I feel like I look like Johnny Bravo right now.

You know that cartoon? - I don't know who that is.

- Blondes do have more fun.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Where's little Romeo?

- It's stunning.

Everything looks spectacular.

There's balloons everywhere, there's flowers everywhere.

Mike and Lauren are living their bougie life right now

because parties for them tend to be like mini-weddings.

- Oh, so cute. - Cute!

- Where? - At the party.

- No. - I swear to God.

- Yeah, Mike and Laurens are the definition of extra,

over the top, and almost too much.

- Blondes have more fun.

♪ ♪

- What's up, my guy?

- Pauly! - What's up?

What are you guys doing? - Hi.

- Good to see you. - Oh, my God. [laughs]

- Mike!

Okay, Slim Shady.

Calm down.

♪ ♪

- Hi, godmother.

- Holy [bleep], it's Eminem.

- This is blonde daddy Sitch.

- Slim Shady!

- Blonde daddy Sitch is in the building.

- I feel so bad.

I think Mike's going through a midlife.

- Blondes have more fun, I guess.

- Like, here it is.

We're there.

- I told the wife if we got out of the NICU

and the baby was blonde,

I would join the family, Mosey and Lauren,

and we'd all be blondes together.

♪ ♪

- Romeo has hair?

- Here we go, here we go. I'm Vinny's uncle.

All right.

- Uncle Nino! [laughs]

- Hi! [mumbles indistinctly]

Mwah. I love you.

- Oh, there's your nephew.

- Oh, it was a mistake. Sorry.

- I wasn't sure.

- I always am looking over my shoulder for Uncle Nino.

- You want to [bleep] with me?

- What the hell?

He's gonna pop up at all times when I want him to the least.

- I love you!

- I've been waiting for this steak for five days.

So one thing Mike goes all out on any day of the week

is a good feast.

Oh, my God, there's another one.

- Ooh.

Mike never spares any expense when it comes to a nice meal,

so this is going to be great.

- Extra oysters, anybody?

- He had platters on platters on platters,

meats and cheeses and wines.

And it's exquisite.

- Yummy.

We should baptize Romeo more often.

- I know. [laughter]

- Mike even has a full-blown wedding cake,

dessert spread.

It's just ridiculous.

Lauren literally had her wedding planner

plan the baptism.

In my family, we used to just, like, go to my aunt's house.

- Lauren literally is in a wedding gown,

and Mike is in a tux.

And I'm wearing [bleep] leggings and a tank top.

Have you heard from Angelina? - No.

- [laughs]

- Dramer. Talk about dramer.

- All right.

[clicks glass] Uh, well, guys.

- Aw. - Blondie!

- Thank you guys so much for celebrating this moment

and this milestone with our family.

- Blondie! - Yes, yes, yes.

- I love you, Blondie.

- Apparently, blondes do have more fun.

- Mike can now add another quote to his repertoire.

- Blondes do have more fun.

Blondes have more fun.

Blondes have more fun, I guess.

Listen, blondes have more fun.

Obviously, blondes have more fun.

Listen, blondes do have more fun.

Blondes have more fun.

And blondes have more fun.

- I'm actually happy about it,

'cause Mike was saying the same five quotes

over and over again.

- And to family, cheers. I love you guys.

- Cheers. We love you.

[cheers and applause] - God bless Romeo.

- Oh, my God!

- Hello, my ladies. Just checking.

- Hi.

- Uncle Nino was in the car with your parents.

- Oh, he was? - Yeah.

He had a couple dates on his hand.

He had your great-grandma on his hand.

- And my great aunt. - Yeah.

- Oh, he loves a good great aunt.

[R&B music]

[upbeat music]

- I'm back, b*tches.

♪ ♪

Home, sweet home.

How I've missed you so much.

Hello?

Oh, [bleep].

Thanks for helping me.

I had a lot of fun in Spain.

I met so many great people,

and it was, like, a [bleep] fun time. Like...

Chris?

I really didn't have communication

with Chris too much.

Hello?

[bleep] is not good right now.

Hello?

And of course, he's nowhere to be found.

This is the perfect, like, representation of, like,

how our relationship is as a whole, so.

Merry [bleep] Christmas to me.

[soft upbeat music]

- Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

- ♪ Santa Claus, yeah, yeah, oh, oh ♪

♪ Santa Claus, yeah, yeah, oh, oh ♪

- What is it? - Whoa!

- Got a second octopus!

- Yay!

- ♪ Sing Christmas carols, full of joy ♪

- I love Christmas this time of year.

- ♪ [singing in Spanish] ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

- Happy first Christmas.

- Wow, Romeo.

Good boy. Yeah.

- ♪ But it don't feel good at all ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey.

- How's it going?

- Good.

I swear I would have been alone for Christmas this year

if it wasn't for my sister.

Thank God for her.

I love my sister to death. Like, she's my family.

I have a lot to catch her up on.

Cannolis.

- So how are you and Chris?

- In Florida,

I thought things were taking a turn for the better.

- Angelina, do you want to come?

- Come on.

- Oh, my God, are you guys having sex?

- Oh, [bleep]. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- And then before I went to Spain,

we got into a fight on our two-year wedding anniversary.

- Oh.

- And he said, "I hope you die in a plane crash."

- Wow.

- Internally, I died, like, inside.

This [bleep] person that's like literally cancer--

like, how do I say this?

I have so many texts in my phone that, like,

people would be [bleep]-- they would be like,

"What the [bleep] did you stay with this guy for?"

Like, just growing up as kids, like,

we seen it was okay to deal with a man

that treats us like that. - Right.

- I mean, I don't know how many times I would

see Daddy screaming at Mommy.

- A lot of instability.

- Yes, it's been instability since we were born.

- I know.

[downbeat music]

- He reminds me of my father in a lot of ways.

Chris abandoned me the first time around,

and that reminds me my father.

I've had a lot of abandonment in my life, and I feel like--

left for two months.

That's, like, a big thing for me,

especially because of my father.

Nobody deserves that [bleep].

- Well, your earliest examples that

are supposed to pave the way for you showed you one thing,

and it gets hard wired.

And now you apply it as an adult,

but only you can say that you don't want that.

And it's a hard thing to break, and you can do it.

But I understand how hard it is.

- Last year, I filed for divorce,

and I knew what I had to do.

But I didn't do it.

I've been feeling alone in this marriage for a long time,

but I didn't want to throw in the towel.

I thought things were gonna change,

and they didn't change.

They actually got worse.

I got to step up for myself. I'm ready for this divorce.

[sniffles]

- I mean, the new year is coming.

Maybe you have, like, a fresh start.

What are you going to do for New Year's?

- Well, I was asked by a few people,

one in particular, to Mexico.

- For New Year's? Mexico?

[upbeat music]

Who--who is the individual that asked you?

- Um.

- Who are you going to Mexico with?

♪ ♪

Who? - [stutters]

You know who I'm talking about? - No.

♪ ♪

- What the hell?

- Doesn't that say Cancun? - Wow.

- What is she, stupid, sending these pictures to Mike?

- What the hell?

- [gasps] Who is that?

- Babe!

- That is not Chris.

- There's a lot of story you don't know.

[chill hip-hop music]

- Who are you going to Mexico with?

- There was a lot that went on on the show...

- Yes. - In Spain--

- Uh-huh.

- That you don't really know about right now.

- Okay. - Oh, [bleep].

So there was a lot of other people in the house,

and everyone's hooking up

and everyone's [bleep] each other like an orgy.

- Oh, wow.

- Not with me, but you know what I'm saying.

- That's good.

- And I'm the only [bleep] one that's married.

- Wow.

- So now this one guy, Luis, he's from Mexico.

- Mm-hmm.

- And he started calling me amore.

- Oh, boy.

- Like, and then he started speaking Spanish to me.

- Even though you don't understand it?

- Yeah, and, like, he's attractive,

he speaks Spanish, chiseled abs.

You know, literally, you could lick his--

I didn't do it. - That's good.

- But like, you know? - Yeah, yeah.

- He's hot. - Uh-huh.

- Luis is--is a guy that gave me some attention in Spain.

He would say, "You're beautiful.

Wow, Angelina, you look so pretty tonight."

I felt like a woman again, and I was, like, shocked.

I still am shocked,

because I haven't had that in a long time.

- You went there and you weren't on a--

in a good place with Chris.

- Right now, we're not even talking really.

- Right. Is there a relationship?

- And honestly, anybody that's anybody that literally--

if they ever heard that me and my husband have not had sex--

- How many times did you, like, have sex in the marriage?

- Once.

[ominous music]

- Oh, Ang, I don't even know what to say to that.

- Maybe there was one time that I'm forgetting,

but probably not.

I'm not getting intimacy from my husband.

I would be butt-a*s naked, Alyssa,

and he wouldn't give a [bleep].

He wouldn't even look at my body.

Listen, I don't need a whole bunch of attention,

but just give me something, Chris.

Give me something, please. Nothing.

And I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore.

- Is that why you're going to Mexico?

[dramatic music]

- But I--but I don't know.

I don't--listen, I'm not going to like--like--

- Do you think this is a really great idea?

[soft dramatic music]

- I mean--

- What good do you think is going to come of it?

- Nothing good is going to come of any of this.

- So it sounds like maybe it might not be a good idea.

- ♪ Way too many voices in my head now ♪

♪ So I don't hear anybody ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- Everyone can say what they want,

especially my husband.

He can be the boy who cries wolf to everybody,

but at the end of the day,

nobody knows what's really going on behind closed doors.

- So you're probably gonna go anyway?

♪ ♪

- Do you know who I am?

I went to Spain for clarity.

I feel like in some ways, I got it.

In some ways, I didn't get it.

Um...

that's why I'm going to Mexico.

- ♪ I just need peace and a little bit of space ♪

♪ Running from the pain ♪

♪ I'm so tired of the chase ♪

♪ I just want change ♪

♪ ♪

[energetic rock cover of "Auld Lang Syne"]

♪ ♪

[feedback screeching]

[soft upbeat music]

- Happy new year.

♪ ♪

- Daddy's going upstairs to watch a movie with Mommy.

- Hi, Moser.

- ♪ Happy, happy new year ♪

- What the hell? [music slows down and stops]

Mm, I don't know about this.

Right now, Angeliners is sending the Investigation

photos of her with another man in Spain.

I didn't know that the show was still filming.

Yo, something is up.

I'm gonna have to send this to the squad.

[notification chimes]

- Mike just sent me a weird photo.

- Of? - Angelina and this random guy.

She said she was, like, talking to someone from the new show.

- You know how, like, I always tell you, like,

I don't get, like, attention from Chris and stuff?

Like, I feel like he doesn't really care?

Out there, like, I was getting attention from people.

- When you're married,

you're really not supposed to be looking like that.

- I mean--

- You need to, like, think about what you want to do

with your marriage, honestly.

But they're not in Spain.

Doesn't that say Cancun?

- Wow.

- What is she, stupid, sending these pictures to Mike?

It says Mandalay Beach.

He said, "Yeah, she just sent it to me.

She keeps sending me photos."

Yeah, Mandalay Beach, club in Cancun, Mexico.

I can prank as good as Pauly,

and I can investigate as good as Mike.

Hey. - What up?

- Did you investigate that photo?

Do you know where she is?

- Yeah, well, if you zoom in, it looks like she's in Cancun.

- Oh, my God, so she flew back out somewhere else

to be with this dude?

I know that when Angelina came home from Spain,

Chris was gone.

It just seems like Angelina and Chris's marriage is over.

The receipts reveal Angeliners is actually in México right now

living la vida locas.

- What the hell?

- [gasps]

Who is that?

- Babe!

- That is not Chris.

- [gasps] His hand's on her butt.

- Did you see the hand placement?

- I did. - Does Chris know about this?

- I don't [bleep] know.

- Ooh.

- New [bleep]. Who dis?

[Mike chuckles] Wow.

- Wow. - Wow.

- Oh.

[upbeat music]

- This is wild.

Tita, look.

Angelina is cheating on her husband.

- Mike is going to eat that up.

- Looks like me as a boy.

[music stops]

- Deena just texted me and said,

"Ang called me and wants to talk."

- Deena's going to Angeliner's.

- I want you to be real.

- ♪ I know I can be reckless ♪

♪ Cross it off my checklist ♪

♪ Got too much game to be playing games ♪

- Where's that picture from? - Cancun.

- So they're by themselves in Mexico?

- There is never a dull day when there's Angelina gossip.

I don't want to jump the g*n.

Listen, I jumped the g*n last time with Old Bridge.

There is security footage of you

entering some gentleman's house.

You banging a guy in [bleep] Old Bridge?

- That is not true. That's not fact.

- I feel bad for Chris.

- He might be there, and he might

be the one that's taking the [bleep] picture,

for all I know.

- Well, I just asked Chris if he's in Mexico.

[dramatic music]

- I'm just staying the [bleep] out of it.

That's it? - And if he's not there?

- Well, then that's what might cause a situation.

♪ ♪

- ♪ We in the business, we doing the work ♪

♪ We go outside, then we leaving them hurt ♪

- Babe? - Yeah?

- I'm going to Madison Square Garden.

Do you know how big that is? - I know. That's epic.

- Coming from the East Coast, Madison Square Garden is it.

Like, that's where you want to DJ.

Today, I'm going to New York City

for the Rangers game.

Madison Square Garden.

Pauly D at MSG? It has a nice ring to it.

I'm gonna hit the group chat and be like, "It's on.

Madison Square Garden, it's ready."

- Do you have a good luck charm?

- I'm bringing exactly-- exactly that.

Watch this. - Yeah.

- Bam! Number one.

- Period. DJ Pauly D.

- They have to win.

DJ Pauly D takes on Madison Square Garden,

New York City for the New York Rangers game.

Let's go.

- ♪ Take a picture, get a snap, snap, snap ♪

- Yeah!

Someone is doing his cardio.

Are you a little nut like your daddy?

- Moser,

you're going to stay down here with the family, okay?

The reason my wife and I are not going to MSG in NYC

is because Mosey is limping around the house,

and I'm really starting to get worried.

So we got to keep an eye out and see what's happening.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Had to form a plan if you want to rise ♪

- DJ Pauly D, waiting to catch my flight.

Madison Square Garden, I'm coming for you.

- ♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Think I've been reborn ♪

♪ ♪

- Big night for Pauly D tonight.

That's right, I'm taking over Madison Square Garden.

Yeah, buddy. Can't wait.

New York City.

[energetic hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- Yo, what up?

- We got a big night in New York City.

- Yo, Madison Square Garden, kid.

Bro, I wouldn't miss that for the world.

- You know I got to give my side piece

some love, too, because I've been neglecting you a bit

because I've been with the main piece.

- Yeah, well, you're on tour, you know?

You hit up all your side pieces while you're on the road.

- Yes, sir. - All right, cool.

I'll see you there. - Okay.

- All right, bye.

[upbeat music]

Come on, Tita.

♪ ♪

- Nicole, are you down here?

- I'm in the gym! - Oh, my God.

Why are you working out so late?

- 'Cause I'm a fat wh*re. I just ate a block of cheese.

What are you up to? - Nothing.

I had to get out of my house before I went bat[bleep] crazy.

- Mm. - The boys are having fun.

- How come [bleep]--we just-- we never do anything cool?

- This is cool to me right now.

- Same.

- Can you imagine driving all the way

to Madison Square Garden and staying out past : p.m.?

- Mm-mm.

[dramatic fanfare]

- Welcome to the world-famous Madison Square Garden.

[audience roaring]

- Tonight is an amazing night.

Pauly is DJing at Madison Square Garden

at the New York Rangers game.

Ah, this is the life.

For anybody that grew up in New York,

like, MSG is the mecca.

Tendies!

So for Pauly to be DJing at my arena,

this is the coolest thing I've ever seen Pauly do.

I feel like Uncle Nino, just, like, crashing the open bar.

- This is exciting.

- I've never been to a hockey game.

- No? - Nah.

- Well, you don't know what you're in for.

- [laughs]

- I think we're over here. - Okay.

Hello, Vincent.

- What's up? - Welcome to New York, [bleep].

- This is dope.

Oh, this is lit. Yo.

Oh, that's the booth.

That's dope.

I'm playing at Madison Square Garden in New York City.

I just got goosebumps saying that.

Yeah, it don't get no bigger than this.

I hope they put me on a jumbotron, too, man.

- Yeah. Me, too.

- So I can show my mom.

The time I first DJed at Karma,

I had to beg them to let me spin.

- DJ Pauly DelVecchio.

- If I told my -year-old self

that I was going to be playing at Madison Square Garden

in New York City,

he would say you're freaking crazy.

[audience roaring]

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

That's what I'm talking about! That's what I'm talking about!

- ♪ I be running it, I make major moves ♪

♪ Move out my way, I got things to do ♪

♪ I be running it ♪

- Don't use your hands. Use your fork.

No. - Oh, nasty, nasty.

Oh, my God, Angelina.

[phone ringing] - Pick it up, pick it up.

- Angelina? Oh, hi. - Hi.

I am literally getting wine glasses out

because I want you to come over.

- So while Angelina was in Mexico,

she was texting pictures of her in another country

with another man.

- I want to know everything.

I don't know.

I really want to know what happened.

- And there's a lot of other [bleep], too,

that you don't know about.

Coming home from Mexico, you know,

a lot of [bleep] happened.

Um, where the [bleep] is Chris's car?

Well, so this basically means that he wants his ring back.

It's been a lot for one person to take in.

- So yeah, I'll be over in, like, ten minutes.

- All right, I'll see you soon.

- All right, bye.

I am just so ready to hear

what is going on in this girl's life.

- Make sure you bring a crowbar for all that prying, all right?

- Okay.

- Say bye, Mommy. - Bye.

- Bye. I love you guys.

- Mommy's going to have a good bedtime story

for us later, right?

- ♪ We got 'em rocking like Beatles, yeah ♪

♪ ♪

- [gasps] Deena just texted us.

Deena is going to Angeliner's.

- Oh, what the [bleep]?

- She's probably letting Deena know

what is happening with this guy.

- Oh, sh**t. - What?

- So Deena just texted me and said,

"Ang called me and wants to talk."

- What? - Oh, no.

- I'm definitely curious as to what new drama

has emerged on the Angelina front.

- That's her new boo. You saw that?

I think that Angelina, she's--

- Yeah, before you even got divorced.

- Yeah. [laughter]

- They say the best way to get over someone

is to get under someone else.

- Yeah, someone else.

♪ ♪

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

Hello?

- D? - Ang?

Hey, girl. - Hey.

God, I was trying to light a candle and be all nice.

- No, it-- - But forget it.

- But it--actually, it smells really nice in here.

- Does it, though? - It does.

- You with the water jug. I can't.

Love.

- Well, if we're drinking wine, I need to hydrate.

- Oh, my God.

I haven't spoken to any of the roommates.

It's been a whirlwind of, like, [bleep] craziness.

This is amazing. Best invention ever.

Having Deena to come here is amazing.

I need somebody to open up to.

All right, so there's a lot of [bleep] to talk about.

We'll go this way.

Is there [bleep] over there?

There's [bleep] over there. Nice. Very nice.

Thank you, Peanut.

Um.

- Where's Chris?

- Um, he moved out.

[dramatic music]

- Because of Cancun?

- There's a lot of story you don't know.

- I want you to be real.

- Yeah, but please,

let's keep this in my home right now.

- I have no idea what I'm in for.

I just know this is going to get really messy.

With all the drama this family goes through,

we're there for each other, no matter what always.

So I feel like this is going to be

definitely an interesting year for all of us.

Here we go. Buckle up.

[laughs]

- ♪ I'm mad at my mind ♪

- When they say you're about to make a movie,

this is a movie right here. - Oh, yes!

- I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little drunk.

- You got it? - Big bar tab, man!

- Keep my wife's name out your [bleep] mouth!

[loud thump]

- [gasps] Oh, my God!

- I'm fine. I work here.

- Welcome to the... both: "Meatball Show!"

- Jerry! Jerry!

- [laughing] Oh, my God.

- It's gonna be amazing.

- Welcome to "Wild 'N Out." [all cheering]

- You're not even from Jersey,

but you're the one who gave Angelina herpes.

all: Oh!

- Hi, Vinny. - Hey.

- Vinny is single. She's single.

- Oh, God. - I can't.

- They look like quite the couple.

- Are we in the [bleep] "Poltergeist"?

These two Staten Islanders

are definitely smitten for each other.

- I was right the whole time. - You had sex with him!

- Vinny will always want me.

- There's drama, man.

- If you don't want me talking to Chris any more,

then I won't talk to Chris.

- The husband reached out to me.

- [gasps] - I recorded that [bleep].

- What is going on with this family?

- Angelina leaked Snooki, Jenni, and Deena's wedding

toasts to make them look bad.

- What?

[bleep] you.

- She decided to pre-ej*cul*te and sell the speeches.

- She lies constantly.

- Mike is really enjoying this a bit too much.

- He's, like, stirring the pot.

- You're being a [bleep] friend.

- Why? - [bleep] stop.

- Is this the old Sitch or the new Sitch?

- Old Kanye or new Kanye? - Old Situation it is.

all: Oh!

- Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- You either die a hero

or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

- Say sorry!

- I don't like her. - I can't keep doing this.

- Let me just speak. - I'm not [bleep] done!

- I don't know how much more I can take.

- I don't give a [bleep]!

- I don't know what people are saying about me.

- Use your [bleep] brain!

- You're mad at everybody. - You did it!

- [bleep] all of you then. - [bleep]!

- Cool.

- She's probably on DEFCON right now.

- I don't think I hit that one good.

- You just poured water on me. Are you stupid?

- You [bleep] as*h*le.

- What are you, [bleep] delusional?

- I hate this.

- I want to jump off the balcony.

- Do you see what a dumpster fire this is?

- Can we call you daddy?

- I am not the father.