05x05 - Two Baptisms and a Pet Psychic

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

- He was like, "You and your husband

"are [bleep] snakes and I'm gonna say it

to your husband's face."

I'm like, "You're gonna say it to Chris's face, really?"

- He's a little [bleep] p*ssy.

Wish I was there to [bleep] smack him.

- I need to redo my baptism,

but not just any redo.

If you have to dunk BDS in some waters,

it's gotta be the holiest of waters.

- You might think I'm a scumbag and whatever,

but when you said snake,

that's a little [bleep] up to even say that.

- You know what you did was wrong.

- No.

- ♪ Get crazy, get wild ♪

♪ Let's party, get loud ♪ - Yeah, buddy!

- ♪ If you wanna have fun, then do something ♪

- Party's here!

- The Situation is under construction.

- We're so classy now.

- On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

- Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

- Um, hello?

- ♪ If you wanna have fun, then do something crazy ♪

- ♪ This is the best that you ever gonna see ♪

- GiGi, guess who's coming over?

Melani's coming over, Aunt Deeners,

and Aunt Jenni, and Aunt Angeliners.

Save some for Melani.

Put her plate on the table.

Ooh, look what Mommy made.

Look at these-- wanna try these?

- No.

- What does Mommy do for work?

[quirky upbeat music]

What's my job? How do I make money?

- [sighs]

- [snorts] Giovanna, you can't say that.

Mommy's an actress.

- Nicole! - Where's the beach?

[upbeat music]

- It's in your hair.

♪ ♪

- I wanna pee.

I'm pissing. - Do it, baby!

- Anything you see on "Jersey Shore," I'm acting.

[doorbell rings] Oh, calm down.

Welcome!

- What do you say?

- Huggy-huggies!

- Did we make it in time for lunch?

- You're the first to arrive.

- I am so excited to spill the tea to Nicole

about what happened in LA.

- I actually sold my house.

- Vinny sold his house.

- No, he didn't. - Swear to God.

- Where does he live, then?

- On an airplane.

I have actually no idea. - He's homeless!

- Like, I really think he's moving back

with his mom's basement, not kidding.

[doorbell rings]

- Is someone here?

- LA was just, like, actual chaos.

- Hi. Mwah.

- And Nicole knows nothing.

- How was it?

- What a f--disaster. - He's homeless.

From the moment we got to see Vinny...

- You're a snake. - I am--oh!

- Oh, my God! - Yo!

- It was non-stop bickering between Vinny and Angelina.

- I didn't spread a rumor about you.

- Yes you did, you spread it, you start it--

- You're being a d*ck right now.

- How? 'Cause I'm right?

- 'Cause--no, you're not [bleep] right.

- It was only two days,

but it felt like it was a frickin' week.

- I didn't start with you, you started with me.

- No, you started with me.

- You started with me when you brought that [bleep] up.

[clang] - [yells]

- Oh, [bleep]! - Enough!

I still have ringing in my ears from it.

- It was very weird.

- Ever since the LA trip,

things, like, really haven't gotten better.

- What the hell's going on?

- And it sucks.

- BDS.

- What up, brother? - Yo!

- I heard that somebody is back in the area.

- The prodigal son has returned.

- Should we bro-hug it out?

I missed you.

- Hi. - Hey, girl.

You're actually not that late.

- Word on the street is you still got a little beef

with Angeliners and the husband.

- Hi, guys.

- It's no beef, they're just no longer in my inner circle.

- After that whole thing, that catastrophe, like,

I slept for three days straight.

And I told Chris everything that he called us.

And he's like, "Now I don't [bleep] with you."

- Good, [bleep] him.

- Whoa, I was like--

- Tell him to say it to my face.

- Yeah, say it to my [bleep] face.

- I wanna see him say this to me.

- I honestly think her and Chris

could have just made it up. - Yeah.

- And just said that they heard it somewhere.

- So I've got a whole bunch of baptism stuff.

- Wow, look at all that.

- I mean, there's been this elephant in the room,

so everybody just stayed away from each other

until it was time for Cameron's baptism.

Am I gonna be able to sit all of them together?

- I dunno.

- It's always Angelina.

[notification chimes] - Deena just texted me

saying, "Please, no drama at the baptism."

- Oh, my God.

- Why do I feel like this is déjà vu?

- He grabbed you like this and was touching your a*s.

What a [bleep] dirt bag.

- Stop. - Oh, [bleep], here it goes.

- Hopefully we'll have a fun time.

- Let's go.

- Vinny's here.

- Deena throws bangers.

These kids get parties, like,

there's DJs and dance floors.

It's a full-blown wedding. [chuckles]

- I need a drink.

- I was really nervous

something might happen between the roommates.

- Give it up one more time for Cameron Theo.

- Because this is my son's day.

♪ ♪

- But it seems like everyone is on their best behavior.

- What the [bleep]!

- They're having a good time.

- Woo, cheers!

- We're kind of, like, avoiding the whole situation,

just like all Italian families,

we're, like, burying it under the rug.

But come on,

we all know this isn't the end of it.

Not with our family.

[laughs]

- I love you. - Yes.

- Nice to meet you!

♪ ♪

- It was a nice [bleep] party.

Best baptism I've ever been to in a long [bleep] time, right?

Right, buddy?

Was the best ever.

♪ ♪

- ♪ I'm outta control ♪

- If I'm not ready to wipe this man's face,

he will get water everywhere.

All right, good boy.

All right, that's good.

Anyway, honey, I just was on the phone with Pauly.

- Yeah.

- And he's actually coming to town.

What's up, my dude?

- I wanted to take a trip over to ya,

I'm dying to meet the little one, man.

I gotta meet Romeo.

- Yeah, yeah, oh, man, that's perfect.

Let's do something for sure.

He said that he needs to see his nephew.

- Yay!

- So I figured it's a good idea

to also get the whole squad here

to also meet Romeo.

- Bring 'em all over.

- Well, I have another idea.

- About what?

- Since the whole squad is gonna be here,

it's a good time for BDS to get baptized.

- Oh, my God.

- Long story short, guys,

in order for Romeo to get baptized,

I have to get re-baptized.

If they can't find my sacraments,

then they need to redo my baptism.

- Holy [bleep].

- Yes, holy [bleep] is right.

I'm thinking-- this is really big,

I know we're gonna also do it big for Romeo's.

I'm thinking

of releasing doves into the atmosphere.

- Stop it! - I'm serious.

- Who does baptisms, though, the priest?

- So I'm thinking Uncle Nino's.

- Oh, my goodness.

Of course my husband wants Uncle Nino to baptize him.

And at I'm first, I'm like, "What the [bleep]."

- Hello! - Hi, how are you?

- If God wasn't looking, would you go after that?

- God is always looking.

- But I realized it's fitting.

He officiated the redo wedding of Angelina and Chris.

- Wait, is this really happening with Uncle Nino?

- We're gathered here today

to celebrate the journey of two hearts.

- We may not understand what language it's in.

- Baggity-bing-a-bangy. - Oh, my God.

- But if anyone in this group has the credentials...

- I'm sorry, Jesus.

- It's probably Uncle Nino.

So this is like the baptism before the baptism.

- Oh, my goodness. Good job!

- [laughs] - Wow!

[laughter]

- Hello? - Hello!

- Hi!

Come on in, Meatball.

- Hi! - Say "Hi, Aunt Deena!"

- Hi, Angelo.

- Hi! - Hi.

- Hi, Angelo.

- Hi, Aunt Deena.

- Want a glass of wine? - Yeah, why not?

- Okay.

- Wine not? - Why not?

I love my time with my Meatball.

Anytime we get together, even if it's, like,

for an hour or two, she comes over...

Cheers to... - A random day.

- Yeah, a random wine. - Yeah.

So, uh, I talked to Pauly.

He's coming in this week with Nikki,

they're gonna meet the babies.

I'm super excited for that. - Yeah.

- I miss Pauly And Nikki. - Same, yeah.

- They're really good together. - Yeah.

- I mean, I would like them to get engaged.

- I have to say, I feel like

if Pauly was going to get engaged to anyone,

it's going to be Nikki.

When they're ready. - Yeah.

- 'Cause I feel like she's not even,

like, in a rush. - Mm-mm.

- Talk about in a rush. Jenni, not in a rush at all.

I feel like it's because she just wants it to be perfect

and she feels like, why rush marriage when, like,

she found her person?

- Right.

And I feel like she wants to do things differently,

you know? - Yeah.

- I feel like in general, if you get a divorce

and then you get engaged again,

you don't want to rush into marriage.

You want to enjoy your engagement.

But Jenni knows that Zach is her soulmate

and I just feel like she's enjoying

the process of being engaged right now.

Since they got engaged, like, none of us have celebrated it.

- We really haven't.

- Like, we haven't, like, even, like, had a dinner.

It should be like, "Oh, my God, you guys are engaged."

It's just like, we're engaged, moving on.

- Like, a little engagement party or something.

- Yeah, but I feel like she doesn't want that.

I feel like we should just do it.

- Like, something small?

- Just the roomies. - I think that's a good idea.

Especially with Pauly and Nikki coming in.

It would be, like, a great time to do it, actually.

- Oh, my God, and I have a theme.

- What? - You know how she always

said, "When pigs fly, I'm gonna get married."

- Mm-hmm. - We could do a pig theme.

- Oh, my God, stop. She did say that, though.

- And you're getting married again.

- I love it.

Well, cheers to Jenni's engagement party.

[glasses clink]

- You're welcome.

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

- Hello. - Grandma!

- Good to hear from you.

- It's a little weird.

Obviously, you know what's going on with me and Chris,

I don't wanna talk too loud...

- I kind of am regretting

saying that I was going to have this timeframe

for when I say I'm gonna leave my husband or I'm gonna stay.

And now the deadline's slowly creeping up on me

and I'm like, "Oh, [bleep],"

because I don't know what to do at this point.

I really don't.

My house has just been a catastrophe.

Remember I told you I rescued two new cats?

- Yes.

- One of them is biting me

and, like, scratching the crap out of me,

and he [bleep] on the floor everywhere.

- What--wait, like, what is that?

- But-- - You know?

- When my grandmother gets far into it, like,

a little too far when I call for advice, I say to myself,

"Maybe I shouldn't have made this call.

Maybe I'm an idiot."

Can I call this pet psychic woman

and she'll help me with, like,

my life and, like, maybe animals,

and Chris, and, you know, figure everything out?

- Okay, can you send me her number?

- All right.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yeah, we on fire now ♪

- We're actually getting Romeo baptized

and the church in Jersey said that I need to get baptized

all over again before Romeo gets baptized.

- Well, I'm thinking

that you might be able to be the officiant for this baptism.

- So what you're saying is you're in?

- Okay, all right.

Big Daddy Sitch, I love you, my blessings.

- All right, love you, Uncle Nino.

Okay, next on the list is the doves.

Caw-caw, caw-caw!

- Doves don't make noise like that.

- Really?

- Yes, that's like a crow.

- Oh, wow. - [laughs]

- I need to ask someone at this table

to be one of my godparents.

- [laughs] - And, um...

- Tomorrow, I have a psychic coming over to my house.

Do you guys want to come over? - Sure.

- Choir for hire, that's what I'm talking about.

all: ♪ The Blessification today ♪

- You have a health issue, so I need to tell you.

- Wait, what?

- ♪ I'm burnin' hotter, hotter, hotter, ha ♪

♪ Feel me, feel me, see me work ♪

- All right, honey, it's happening.

We have a lot of food.

Is it everyone?

Is it everyone? - Um, it is everyone.

It's not every day that we get Uncle Pauly

coming in from the West Coast.

The cousins, aunts, and uncles are

finally going to meet the babies.

It's gonna be so special.

Do you think I have to pick out the godparents

for Big Daddy Sitch?

- Of course you do.

- I must choose a godparent, which, in the Italian culture,

is a very, very important tradition.

Because if anything happens to my parents,

I need to have reserves on deck.

- So who is it gonna be?

- We need pros and cons, real quick.

- All right. - Pauly.

- I feel like he's very responsible.

- Yes.

- And he would take it seriously.

- And he's rich. - Yeah.

- ♪ Turn up a little bit, up to hot ♪

♪ Watch me, watch me feel alive ♪

[Pauly laughing]

- Vinny, um, you know what? Vinny has grown so much,

but I don't think he's really settled in right now.

- Yeah.

- Want anything else?

- No, no, I'm good. - You good, you sure?

- Don't worry about me. - All right, love you.

- Make it like I'm not even here. It's okay.

- It's not easy for me to do that, Vinny.

- And, plus, how can you trust a man

that doesn't eat carbs?

I think Pauly it is.

And then, with the girls...

[rhythmic drumbeats]

- Deener.

- Deener just baptized Cameron andCJ.

JWOWW, she's a crisis management specialist.

- She is.

- Amazing backfist.

all: Oh!

- See what I'm saying?

- Nicole, okay, she's always going to be

the first at a party and the last.

- [laughing] Yes. Exactly. - So...you know.

- Where's Nicole? - Oh, my God, Nicole's dead.

- Then we'll meet Dren and who knows what will happen.

- You're peeing?

- 'Cause all the bathrooms is taken!

I'm a [...] good person.

- She's being a cheerleader.

Oh, my God.

We have Angeliners.

- I sharted in my pants. - [shrieks]

- I'm gonna go with Jenni. - Ooh.

- I think we did it.

Okay, the Situations did it.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my goodness, is that the doorbell?

Oh, my goodness, they're here.

- You excited?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Oh, my God, it's happening. - Hello!

Oh, my God, I've been waiting for this day.

- Go ahead. - Come on in.

- Come on, you have to take off your shoes.

- The babies are finally gonna meet each other.

- Your cousins are here.

- Cousins! Yes, it's happening!

- Hey, you're gonna meet your little friend.

- Say hi, CJ.

Hi, Cameron.

- Romeo is so stinking cute.

I feel like he looks like Mike but has Lauren's eyes.

He's just adorable.

- I have to take photos. This is crazy.

- You guys are the same age.

- Oh, no, no, don't eat Mommy's hair.

- Oh, my God, they're smiling at each other.

- Say, "Hi, Cam!"

It is like your heart exploding

watching Romeo and Cameron standing next to each other.

It is the cutest thing ever.

They're, like, the same size, and they kind of look alike,

and they're just-- oh, I just love them.

I love babies.

♪ ♪

- Oh, hot mess.

[sighing] Okay.

- Oh, my God, stop it.

- Baby hug. - Stop it.

♪ ♪

[lock rattling]

- Who locks their door? [doorbell rings]

Hello?

- Who is this?

- Hi! - Stop it.

Hey!

- Hi, Munchkin!

- Come here. My baby. Mwah.

♪ ♪

Guido, what's up, my dude?

- Was I supposed to come this way, or?

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God, all this food.

- Pull.

- So many foods.

[doorbell rings] Somebody's here?

- Yeah, someone's here. - Probably Angeliners.

- Coming!

- Hi! - Hi.

- Yo, my dude, what are you up to?

- What's up, man? We just hit a little bit of traffic.

- All right, so I guess I'll see you in a little bit?

- Yes, sir, we'll be there.

- All right, brother, call me if you need anything.

- All right, thanks. - All right, peace.

Guys, Pauly-- he's on his way,

but I don't know when he's getting here.

So, that being said,

I have a surprise about tomorrow.

- What's that? - Oh, God.

- Okay, it's going to be the baptism before the baptism.

- What in the hell is going on--

or what in the heaven is going on?

Sorry about that.

- Because we couldn't locate my sacraments,

they wouldn't baptize Romeo if I didn't redo my baptism,

and we're gonna do it tomorrow.

- You're . Like, you didn't get baptized?

- And we're gonna do it in a very big way.

- Wait.

Do you mean Romeo's getting baptized?

What?

- I got a big food tent, I got balloons.

- Oh, my God.

- We're gonna do it here, we're gonna have a--

I guess a dunk tank of some sort.

- Oh, my God.

- Is it holy water? - It's gonna be holy.

it's gonna be called The Blessification.

And also, one of the biggest surprises--

I wasn't gonna tell you guys.

We all know someone's favorite uncle

that is an officiant of all officiants.

- Uncle Nino? - Uncle Nino's coming to town.

- Oh, no. - No way.

- [laughing] Look at Vinny!

- He is the least holy guy.

I think lightning will strike down

if Uncle Nino tries to baptize someone.

[evil laughter]

[electricity crackling]

- There's one more thing... - I need a wine.

- That I need to--I need to ask someone at this table

to be one of my godparents.

- [laughs] - And, um...

this is-- this is an official thing.

- So, wait, it's a godparent for you?

- Yes! - Yes.

- My two godparents is-- is going to be you.

- Really? - I'm asking you.

- I would be honored, yeah. - Okay.

- Aww, that's so nice. - And also,

I'm gonna ask Paulie, who's not here.

I guess he can't say no, right? - Aww.

- So yeah. [laughter]

- So wait, I'll be your godmother?

- You'll be my godmother, yes. - Oh!

- Aww, I love it.

- That's so nice! - Yay!

- Yay, how cute!

- I am living for the fact that

Mike is asking me to be his godmother,

but I'm also slightly confused because I'm younger than Mike

and I thought your godparent has to be older.

But I'll take it.

- Pauly over me, wow.

- [gasps] Aww! - Aww!

- He's upset! - Stop.

- You have a lot on your plate.

- Yeah. - Like what?

- [laughs] - I don't know.

- How am I not the godfather, bro?

I got nothing going on, like,

who else would be the godfather?

- There is an abundant amount of reasons

why I did not choose Vincent to be my godfather.

- I got all my ducks in a row.

- He's living in Paula's basement.

- I definitely take care of myself.

- He looks a bit frail.

- Have you seen me jump rope?

- He walks around with a jump rope.

That's someone who's not a godfather.

- I don't know how I didn't get picked.

[upbeat music]

- This is big for me and I wouldn't have it

and do it with any other people.

You guys are family, so I love you guys.

- We love you, too. - We love you.

- Love you.

- Wow, Pauly over me.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, man.

- So sad.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Check out my vibe, check out my stride ♪

♪ I'm so alive, watch me... ♪

- During The Blessification, I'm actually going to be

releasing doves into the air, okay?

And it's gonna be quite the spectacle.

- Tomorrow, I have a psychic coming over my house.

- Please not Grandma.

She wanted-- she wants me dead.

- It's Grandma's connection.

- Okay.

- And I want you guys to come over

because you know, you like that stuff.

- Yes, I love mediums.

- So, I mean, my life is kinda--

not even kind of a whirlwind.

It's been a tornado.

- I mean, anybody that knows Angeliner

knows that she's a mess.

And, like, her relationship's kind of rocky.

I could say that. Am I a psychic?

I don't know.

- So yeah, do you guys want to come over?

- Sure. - All right, cool.

- I'll come, what time?

- I think morning, before the baptism.

- Great.

- What better than to have breakfast

and a [bleep] psychic reading? - Yes.

- So we're starting tomorrow with a psychic

and going into a baptism?

- No way. - That's, like, sacrilege.

- I mean, my grandmother's idea.

- All right. - Wow, what a big day tomorrow.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - See you tomorrow, bestie.

Are you hyped to be a godmother?

- Yeah! - You hyped?

- Thank you!

♪ ♪

- Bye, Deena! - Bye!

Text you later.

♪ ♪

Yo! - Hey, what's up, my dude?

we're in your neighborhood. - Oh, damn.

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Yo, damn! - [laughs] What's up?

- Uncle Pauly in the building.

What's up, my dude? - What's up, my guy?

- Good to see you, man! - Hi!

- How's it going, how are you?

Guess who it is, guys?

We got Uncle Pauly in the building.

- Finally, you're here! - Hi, guys!

- What's up, buddy? - So cute!

- Oh, my God, hi!

- He's so tiny! - Hi!

- What's up, buddy?

What's up, buddy, I'm your Uncle Pauly.

I'm your Uncle Pauly D. Yeah, look at that smile.

He looks just like both of you. - I know!

- I just said that. - It's the craziest thing.

- He's staring at Pauly.

- Get the little gift for him.

- That's good.

- What'd you get? - Look at his face.

- What'd you get? - Oh!

- Oh, damn! - Oh, my goodness!

Stop it. - That's for you, little buddy!

- Thank you, this is dope. - Oh, my goodness!

- So cute!

- It's only right that I get baby Romeo

the ultimate gift from DJ Pauly D.

[amplified] Yeah, buddy.

Wait, there's a siren.

[laughter] [siren blaring]

[amplified] Mike, we have you surrounded!

[laughter]

[amplified] Pay your taxes! [laughter]

And it actually works as a prank to Mike and Lauren

'cause he's gonna be annoying the [bleep] out of them.

- Tomorrow, uh, we have a little bit of a surprise.

- Okay.

- We have, um, I don't know if I remember

telling you the story, but I'm baptizing Romeo in December.

- Yes. Got the invitation.

- They couldn't find my sacraments--

they couldn't find my sacraments in Staten Island.

And they said they won't baptize Romeo

unless I'm baptized first.

- What? - Hold on.

- So they have to redo my baptism,

which is happening tomorrow. - Oh, yeah.

- Hold on one second, a grown man can get baptized?

- Yes.

- Oh, we gotta do this real big, then.

- So, we're doing it big-- - Takin' it out, takin' it up.

- We're doing it big. - This is his plan.

- We're callin' it The Blessification

and we're releasing doves into the air.

Caw-caw, caw-caw!

- Oh, that's lit.

With us, it's go big or go home.

That's what we do. We're extra.

- Now because I'm getting baptized,

I'm gonna need to pick godparents.

And because our friends are like family,

it was very hard for me to choose.

I'm wondering, will you be one of my godparents?

- I mean, I'd be honored.

- Paul D! Paul D! Paul D! [cheering]

- We're doing this!

- Oh, my God. - I'm a lit godfather!

I'm a lit godfather!

[laughter] I'm a lit godfather!

- I don't even wanna be Mike's godfather.

He's a grown-a*s man picking a godparent for his baptism.

- Yo, I won't let you down. - Vinny, stop.

That face is so bad. - I won't let you down.

[laughter]

- All right, I'ma head out.

[laughter] - I'm a lit godfather.

- Vinny! - Vinny.

- I don't really care about not being the godfather,

like, it's so stupid.

- It was a very hard decision

and we put a lot of thought into it.

- What did it come down to? - He's richer than me.

[laughter]

- It's actually funny that you said that.

That was one of the points.

- That was one of his points. - That was one of the points.

- If anything happens to my parents,

Pauly's gonna take care of me

and, uh, he's rich as [bleep].

If you guys are available tomorrow,

maybe you guys can help set up a little bit.

I have mostly everything already, logistically, ready

and we actually have a-- - Yay!

- Well, I don't have to come, right?

- You have to come.

- I mean-- - Listen, listen.

- I mean-- - Remember he said

he wasn't bitter? - I mean--

- Listen, M and P is nothin' without V.

- Mike did the right thing

because Vinny is not godfather mentality.

He is too pale,

he can't really grow a beard, he's immature,

he lives by himself, he's all over the place.

Come on, just stick to jump roping.

Godfathering is not for you.

- What's the bitter-- the bitter quote?

- You gotta become better, not bitter.

- That exactly. Come on.

- Yeah. - Like, who cares?

Stupid-a*s adult baptism.

- I love Blessifications this time of year!

- Yeah.

I have a big surprise for Mike.

all: ♪ The Blessification... ♪

♪ He is the truth ♪

- ♪ I think He is ♪ all: ♪ He is the truth ♪

- [laughs] This is great.

- I literally can get undressed in front of him,

naked and everything, he don't even look at me.

Is he talkin' to other women right now?

- Come on, Angelina, you're not that naive.

- ♪ What a time to be alive ♪

♪ Yeah, this is all a dream, this is all a dream ♪

♪ What a time to be alive ♪

- Yo, yo!

- Let's go. - It's Blessification day.

- Oh, my goodness, what up, my dude?

- Good to see you. - You're a blessing.

All the vendors are here. - Okay.

- So the girls are doing the balloons right now,

they're doing the lights.

- Mm-hmm. - We have a tent in the back.

I think the girls are at Angeliner's right now.

- Yeah, I heard that. - Doing some sort

of some sort of séance or something.

- Psych--séance.

Who they speakin' to, the dead?

[doorbell ringing] - Yeah, some evil spirit--

Oh.

I think poquito Guido is here right now.

- Oh, the truth is here? - Yeah, let me grab him.

We got a lot to do today.

- ♪ The people gonna remember me ♪

♪ I'm a icon, call me legendary ♪

♪ I'm the real deal ♪

♪ Boss and a G ♪

- Hi, Grandma. - Hi, what's up?

- So the psychic is about to be here.

I'm, like, just wondering what this pet psychic's

gonna tell me about my relationship with Chris.

So what should I ask her?

- [meows innocently]

- Yeah, but what should I ask her about Chris?

- I'm not asking if he's evil, Grandma.

- Huh?

- Oh, my God, Grandma.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, you're still here? - Hi, Vinny.

It's Blessification day.

- I know. - It is.

- Get any rest last night?

- Yeah, I did, I did. - Good.

- Am I interrupting anything between you two?

'Cause I can leave. - Oh, damn!

- Nah, it's just godfather talk, you know what I'm saying?

- Jeez!

- I don't really care about not being the godfather.

Like, that's stupid anyway. Like, I don't care.

Like, I didn't lose any sleep last night

about not being the godfather.

Who cares?

- MVP is not complete without beastly V, okay?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- It just is what it is. - Except for this one thing.

- No.

- But the V being very necessary

that you're not the godfather. - Right.

♪ ♪

- Hello!

- Hi! - Hi!

Nice to meet you.

Oh, you're so pretty. - Oh, so are you!

- You look like a psychic. You do.

It's like a frickin' thing in a rulebook, like,

"This is How You Look Like a Psychic."

All in black, dark hair, makeup,

and she fits the mold. [bells ring]

There is no pet psychic mold.

I don't know what the [bleep]

that mold's supposed to look like,

but psychically, she looks like a psychic.

- Oh, my God, you have so much to say.

- Let me welcome you in.

I got coffee if you want,

I got bagels, drinks. - Oh, thank you.

No, I wanna talk to my peanut.

- Let me try to get Gino really quick.

- [meowing]

- Just be careful, he likes to swat.

- Oh, yes, we are definitely an alpha.

- She was, like, holding each animal.

- And no jumping off the railings either.

I know what you're doing.

- How did you know that? He did that the other day.

Actually speaking to them.

- He wants to know where's the bacon?

How come no more bacon?

- And I'm kinda, like, weirded out.

- He hisses at her.

And she don't like that.

- I do speak to my animals but, like, not on that level.

- She has the sweetest voice.

- Is she just full of [bleep]?

- Oh, there's a cat underneath the sofa?

- Or is it, like, really happening?

- I think it's in the box.

[cat meows]

♪ ♪

- I don't know what type of validation Angelina needs

to know that her and Chris are just not meant for each other.

Maybe an outside professional reading will help her.

Hi.

- Hi, peanut. - What's up?

- So I'm curious to see what this psychic has to say.

- Hi. - Hi, I'm Theresa.

I'm a pet psychic.

- Oh, my God, a pet psychic?

- A pet psychic. Nice to meet you.

-Petpsychic.

- Are you having a bad day?

Like, did you have a problem driving here?

♪ ♪

- I did. - Yeah.

Did you, like, avert an animal or bird or...

- I thought I hit a squirrel today.

I veered off the road thinking I hit a squirrel.

Did I hit it, though? - No.

- 'Cause I couldn't figure out if I hit it or not.

- No, you didn't hit it. You're good.

♪ ♪

- Can I come in? - Meatballs are here.

- Hi! - Hey!

- This is Theresa.

- Hi, how are you? - Nicole, Deena.

- Hi, how are you? - Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

- Hey. - Hi.

I definitely believe in psychics

'cause I have my own third eye sense,

but there's a lot of fakes out there.

So I just wanna see her energy and how she works.

- So you have two brand-new male cats?

How many other males do you have?

- One more.

- Females need a lot less space than males do.

- I didn't know that.

- Why is she talking about cats?

- 'Cause you need one litter box per cat,

and then for every two cats, you need another litter box.

Peanut's telling me, like, what am I gonna do with this one?

- I have no idea what's happening right now.

- I don't know if you guys realize,

but she's actually a pet psychic.

all: Oh!

- As well as a psychic medium, yes.

- Surprise.

- What?

- I also do deceased animals as well.

- [wheezes]

- This is the tent over here.

The trough and the ceremony, or the blessing piece,

will be happening right here. - It's a trough, huh?

- It's sort of like a tub, yeah. Okay?

- Of course.

- Uncle Nino, who is the master of ceremonies,

he'll be right around here.

I'm not sure,

because this is the first time I'm being reborn.

I don't know if you get fully-dunked or just the head.

- Well, if it's anything like the wall,

you gotta go fully in. - Yeah.

- Exactly.

Big Daddy Sitch does everything with a bang,

and this is no different.

All right, so everything is good over here?

- You're ready to go. You're ready to get blessed.

- Okay.

- I gotta step out for one second, gentlemen.

I'll be right back.

I am the best godfather in the world.

- See? Your godfather already left you.

- I know. It's crazy, right?

- He already abandoned you. - Damn.

- If this guy's gonna get Blessificated,

gotta do it real big.

- Get a choir. - Like a church choir?

Choir for hire. That's what I'm talkin' about.

- What's up, man? - Yes, sir!

- Good to meet you. Yo, thanks for doing this.

I have a big surprise for Mike,

and that's my choir, and they are legit.

all: ♪ The Blessification, The Blessification ♪

♪ The Blessification today ♪

- This is the perfect song to Blessify Mike.

- Oh, my God! all: ♪ He is the truth ♪

- ♪ I think He is ♪ all: ♪ He is the truth ♪

- ♪ What do you think? ♪ all: ♪ He is the truth ♪

- This'll be the most epic gift ever.

- ♪ [vocalizing and clapping] ♪ - This is amazing. Yes, yes!

[chuckles] This is great. - [chuckles]

- He has no idea. It's a total surprise.

- ♪ No pain, no gain ♪

♪ Gotta keep my head in the game ♪

- Peanut wants to know

when are you gonna stop bringing animals home?

Like, when are we done? - That's it. She's upset.

- I'm really confused at what this lady is going to do

with the pets.

Like, is she gonna, like, read their paws?

- She's very upset.

- This dog is very upset with me right now.

- Very upset.

- Does she have to, like,

sniff them, pet them?

- Oh, hi, sweetness.

- Tap into the little brain of the doggy.

- Peanut, I wanna just take you home and love you.

- Do, like, a**l probing.

- She just peed all over me.

- I don't know how she's gonna read these animals.

- How do they communicate?

It's telepathic. I hear them in my head.

Peanut has this really sweet voice

like a little girl.

[music stops]

- This is [bleep] up. This is weird.

Like, we should have alcohol for this.

- We got a lot of stuff going on here, the energy here.

- Like, can you feel old spirits?

- I'm actually a psychic medium,

pet communicator, and author, yes.

And missy, why don't you get this book going here?

- I literally just said I wanted

to write a book yesterday. - Yeah.

- It's been percolating for a while.

- Girl. - All right, I'll get on that.

- The other thing is you have a health issue,

so I need to tell you.

- Wait, what? - Yeah, you--

you're vitamin D deficient.

- I've been taking vitamin D.

- Yeah, but you need more.

- Okay. - And you need some more iron.

- Well, yeah, I'm anemic.

- Yeah, I know. - [chuckling] Okay.

- Don't scare her. - I know.

Am I dying? - No.

- Okay. - You just need more vitamins.

- [bleep] lady--

I didn't like this lady from the beginning

talking to [bleep] Peanut and the cats.

Relax. Iron.

Everybody has a little iron deficiency.

That's what you're feeling?

It's not anything more serious?

- You're--you're not dying.

- Okay. - She'll take it.

She's, like, very, like--

- I need some iron!

- Even though it's low iron, D, just low iron,

she is now spinning out of control

and she is not getting over this

for at least two to four weeks.

- You invited me, so I'd like to kind of stay focused on you.

- Yeah, don't take my iron. - I know.

- Theresa is here for Angeliners and the pets,

and Deena just keeps talking about her iron.

- But it constipates me. - I know.

Well, then you need to take Colace.

- I'm like, "b*tch."

- So now I'm nervous that

you're not telling me something.

- If I had something to say to you, I'd say it.

- Now it's in my head,

I have anxiety, I'm a hypochondriac.

You don't say something like this to me.

I feel like being she's a psychic,

she would know that I'm a worrywart, right?

So if I take my iron, I'm fine?

- You're fine.

But I'm here to do dogs and talk to you about you.

- Okay.

- And I'm gonna tell you that Peanut is tuned in to you

like it's radar.

- I know. - Aw.

- I don't know how personal you want to get,

but you and hubby are having real turbulent issues.

- Yep.

- She really doesn't like Chris, I'm just telling you.

- Oh, wow. - Oh!

- She bit him--she bit him the first week she met him.

- Yes, she doesn't like him at all.

Literally, and she said to me,

"Why'd she even marry him?

Like, it was arguing from day one."

- Why doesn't she like him? - 'Cause he don't like her.

- When he moved out and he went to the hotel

with those--with the girl he met at the bar...

He's saying that nothing happened.

He said that he literally slept on one bed with his guy friend

and then those two girls slept on the other bed.

- Come on, we're not .

- Did he sleep with her?

[music stops]

- Let's just say sure to that.

[dramatic music]

- I literally can get undressed in front of him,

naked and everything, he don't even look at me.

Is he talking to other women right now?

- Come on, Angelina, you're not that naive.

- This can't be [bleep] true.

What is this kid doing for [bleep] sex?

♪ ♪

- ♪ Let me give one last breath inside of me ♪

♪ Feel my body fade away down into the deep ♪

♪ You know, I always wonder ♪

- What is this kid doing for [bleep] sex?

- I just told you.

- He's getting [bleep] from the city.

[downbeat music]

- Hearing that Chris is stepping out of the marriage

is beyond hurtful to me.

Is it true? Is it not true?

I don't know.

- What is it gonna take for you to wake up?

This is what Peanut tells me.

Nothing changes, the cycle continues.

He comes back for a little bit, you guys,

within a half an hour are fighting, arguing.

[Peanut whimpers] - Oh, poor Peanut, I swear.

Peanut, I wanna just take you home and love you.

- She knew.

It's like-- - She knows every--

I will tell you,

she watches everything in this house.

She is your real-life angel.

- Oh. - Aww.

- She's very sensitive. - She has so much to say.

My best friend, the love of my life

that's been with me through everything.

Every [bleep] broken engagement,

every bad, dark day in my life,

is not happy here because of Chris.

- Peanut's, like, ready to go.

- You just see it in her eyes. She's like, "Help me."

- ♪ I got one big heart, too small to love ♪

♪ You got two hands up, just wanna hug you ♪

- Peanut's like, "I don't want to stay here anymore."

- Oh, my God.

- You're not staying here, you're gonna go

to a bigger house without him.

- Oh, my God.

I've actually been house hunting.

That's something that nobody knows.

- But there is somebody waiting.

[Peanut whines] - [gasps]

- Ooh! - Ooh!

- What's his initial start with?

- I see him, and I've seen you met him already.

- [gasps]

- It's Vinny!

- Chicken nuggets. [laughter]

- I'm, like, "Vinny?"

Imagine.

That would be good for the show.

- But you have to make a decision.

"Am I worthy enough to move on?

"Or am I gonna stay in this unhealthy,

dysfunctional relationship?"

And poor Peanut here is gonna be subject to the crap.

- How are we supposed to know what's real and what's not?

The animals can't be like, "Yeah, you're right."

Like, how could Angelina leave Chris

by talking to a lady that's talking to a dog?

[dog barking]

- He doesn't even know how to eat properly,

he eats junk food all the time.

[dramatic music]

- This woman is crazy direct.

- He eats like a six-year-old.

- She's like the Italian aunt that I never wanted.

- Your mother's not so keen on him.

- She is just low-blowing Chris left and right.

- Why would you want to be with a man

who's with all these other people?

- "You gotta leave him. He's doing this."

Like, I'm like, "What is-- what is happening?"

- He's also a narcissist.

- [gasps] - [laughs]

This is so insane.

I need to go take some iron.

This lady freaked me out.

I mean, who's telling her this, Peanut?

I don't know.

Now I'm gonna have to friggin' go and get my blood work done.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- I didn't want to get dunked in water

that was from the tap water,

so instead, I'm doing purified RO water.

- This water? - Yes.

- [chuckles] - Because it's alkaline.

- Exactly, I mean--

[laughter] - It's alkaline.

- Dude, purified doesn't mean blessed.

I don't think purified means the same thing as blessed,

but, um, this whole thing is stupid

so, you know, it makes sense. [chuckles]

- It gets blessed by the--the father.

- Yeah, the priest.

- Don't--don't listen to this man over here,

he's trying to sabotage this whole event.

- Yeah, he's bitter. - He is bitter...

- That's why he's not the godfather.

- Because he is not the godfather.

- I was gonna dunk you-- - How's your coffee?

- I was gonna dunk you in a protein shake, bro.

- Big Daddy Sitch gets baptized in purified H pl--

is it H plus alkaline?

I think it's eight alkaline?

It is like H plus-- eight plus alkaline.

On the bottle, it says eight plus alkaline,

so I would surmise that's, like, you know,

top-notch water.

Natural alkaline, okay?

All right, we got to, uh...

- When the minister dunks, I'm gonna be like, "Pull!"

- Fellas, fellas. - [laughs] No!

- You're having marital issues, you're unsettled here.

You're unhappy, they're unhappy.

And the other thing is you have to work on yourself.

As much as you have the public persona,

privately, there's a whole bunch of other issues going on.

- Like what?

- Self-confidence, self-worth.

- Mm-hmm.

[downbeat music]

- The value of you, you don't see it.

You see it-- you see it professionally,

but on a personal level? - Mm-hmm.

- You have to bring in somebody who's your equal,

who's as loving, as compassionate,

and as open as you are.

- Angelina doesn't want to be alone,

so she just stays in this relationship.

So I feel like she needs to figure out

what she really wants.

- So what do I do from--what do I--where do I go from here?

- What do you want to do?

And I--I can tell you what I see, but, ultimately,

you have to make the decision.

- ♪ And if you're ready ♪

♪ To be the one ♪

♪ It shouldn't be so complicated ♪

- It's up to you. I'm not living your life.

- Yeah.

[upbeat gospel music]

♪ ♪

[leaf blower whirring]

- I'm gonna borrow that thing.

- This is good. - It's a good blower.

- This is a quality blower.

Let's put it right here.

It's a big day, fellas.

All right--all right, thank you guys.

- I don't think this thing's heated.

I hope he doesn't have any shrinkage today.

How are you gonna do it? - I don't know.

- I'd say you're, like, on your knees,

and then you kind of like...

mmm!

[bleep]

[laughs] You know what I mean?

- Oh, I see what you're saying,

kind of similar to what happens on your weekends?

- Oh, that's the water we're putting in there.

- Yep. I could not do tap water.

- He thought purified means blessed.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

[laughs]

- Ugh, somebody's gotta clean it out a little bit, man.

- [chuckles] - It's a little dirty in there.

- I know.

- You need to ask yourself, are you really happy?

Are you really healthy?

Is it really what you want to spend

the rest of your life doing?

And if the answers to all this is no,

then it's time for you to take a step

into a healthy, positive direction.

- So this pet psychic, Theresa,

is like, "You need to kick Chris to the curb

and have somebody more equal."

- What is it gonna take for you to wake up?

- Can you tell me, please?

This is, like, a nightmare for me.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point.

I have a really big problem with, like, abandonment,

like, leaving somebody.

- Aren't you abandoned already in this relationship?

[downbeat music]

You're holding the relationship up.

And you're--and you're...

it's not working.

Aren't you tired?

- Does she need iron also?

[music stops]

[laughter]

I can't get rid of this, I'm, like, very nervous.

- She's very nervous.

- Miss Worrywart.

- I'm always worried about everything.

- Stop! - Yeah, take your iron.

- I texted you the iron.

- If I didn't say anything, there's no issues.

- I'm always worried, though.

I get anxiety. - But it's--it's not healthy.

- So you're not dying, you're not dying.

I'm like, "Well, you just [bleep] up my whole day, lady."

- You're my issue.

- Because of my iron. - Iron.

- Worst delivery ever. Don't like this lady.

- Ladies, it was a pleasure.

- I'm gonna walk you out.

Hearing from a pet psychic such bad news,

I have a lot of [bleep] things to think about.

- Goodbye, Peanut. It was a pleasure.

- Where do I go from here?

- Good luck. - Thank you.

- Thank you.

- I need a [bleep] drink after that.

- I know, I need a--

- I need-- - Martini on the rocks, please.

- I need an iron pill.

[laughter] - Oh, my gosh.

- b*tch. - [chuckling] b*tch.

- What did you guys think?

- I think she said everything we already knew

except to the extent of your husband getting [bleep]

in New York City. - Yeah.

- What do you think?

- Yeah, this is all you now. - Hmm.

- What does Angelina want?

♪ ♪

all: ♪ The Blessification ♪ - Classification!

- Blessification. - That's what I [bleep] said.

- You said classification.

- Someone is definitely drowning today.

I don't know. This is crazy-pants.

all: Blessification! [cheering]

- [screams] It pooped on me!

- Angelina, you need the good luck.

- What would you do?

- I'd be like, [bleep] this,

not even think of it, and just file and go.