04x26 - Worst Talent Show Ever

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

- Welcome to the Pocono Mountains.

- Here we go. - Happy birthday.

all: The family's back!

- Why did you grab my tit? - I missed it.

- Time to start celebrating. I'm here to rally.

- Ohh!

- Can you help me with the speech?

- I am feeling a little bit of pressure

putting on a whole talent show for Jenni's party.

We need to start with a joke.

- Okay. So I'm just gonna walk up there with a microphone

and just be like, "Hey, you [bleep] assholes."

- Wow. - Chug. Chug. Chug.

- Let's go. - Wasted.

- What's up with this [bleep] that I heard last night?

What did Lauren say to my husband?

- Do you think you two have, like,

put everything in the past? That's a big thing.

- If you feel like Lauren did something,

you should go talk to her. - Yeah, she's also pregnant.

I'm not gonna on to fight with her, honestly.

- Why would it turn into a fight?

- Who knows?

- ♪ Get crazy, get wild ♪

♪ Let's party, get loud ♪ - Yeah, buddy!

- The Situation is under construction.

- This might not have been the best idea.

- We're so classy now.

- On the seventh day, it'll be lit.

- Get the frig out of here, you crazy!

- Um, hello?

- ♪ If you wanna have fun, then do something crazy ♪

[Helena's "Buss It"]

♪ I tell 'em eat up the cake like it's a birthday ♪

♪ Bon appétit ♪

- I'm not really gonna say much, because I wanna get

a little drunk, and then, uh... - Ooh.

- I'm coming for you, but happy birthday for now.

Cheers.

[together] Ooh!

- Damn, JWOWW.

- It's Jenni's birthday.

We have a surprise talent show planned,

and Angelina is like, "I'm not gonna say much."

And I'm like, "Girl."

Everybody ruins surprises around here.

Just give a little bit of a speech,

and then do your other speech later.

Don't make it obvious.

Well, everybody, if you want there's games behind here.

- Yeah. Let's go.

- Games. I'm going to bocce.

- Who wants to play cornhole?

- I was gonna play-- - No. No, Christopher,

sit down. I'm not done eating, Chris.

- Yeah. - Oh!

- I will play you. - This isn't the boardwalk,

but it is the closest I was able to get...

- I love birthdays.

- You have the boardwalk theme.

You have, like, the bar games.

- Yes. Let's go to the Jenni station.

- And then we have the Jenni's station

where you can dress as Jenni.

And I'm like, "Yes, this is amazing."

- Nino, put on the wig. Oh, my God.

- I feel pretty. I'm so pretty.

- You look like the Angelina in years.

- What are you doing?

- I'm gonna put the t*tties on.

- Holy [bleep]. We got a--

- Babe, you're gonna break that.

- You know, I always wanted to know what

it was like to have big boobs.

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

- Oh, my God, babe.

- I can't. - Sexy.

- Oh, my God, Ron.

- Ron looks good wearing these big boobs.

- When I have sex with a guy, I'll rip their heads off.

- You know, I'd [bleep] him.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my best friend.

This is my bestie. - Jenni.

[laughter]

- Kind of looks like you a little bit.

- Oh, my God.

- Saffa looks just like Jenni.

I was like, "Oh, my God, it's Jenni's twin.

- When I have sex with a guy,

I'll rip their [bleep] head off.

- Oh, my God.

- You can stay and get your a*s beat.

Or you can stay and get your a*s beat.

- You can stay and get your a*s beat.

You can stay and get your [bleep] a*s beat.

- Okay. - We should write a note.

- Oh, my God.

- When you left crying, Ron made out with two girls.

- And we'll spell it differently

so no one will know.

- And actually in pink font.

- Should we go in pink font?

- I just thought that we should tell you, from nobody.

[laughter]

- I can't.

- Can I get one practice throw? - Yeah.

See if you can get close to the ball.

Good job. - I got us shots.

- Oh, Chris, please don't get too drunk, though.

I hate when you--when you get so drunk.

So it's really bothering me that something was said

last night by Lauren at this dinner

when my husband obviously was very intoxicated.

What was nosy [bleep] Lauren asking you last night?

- To be honest, I don't even remember.

I was so [bleep] up. Cheers.

- Yeah! - It's on.

- And now Nikki seems to be covering for her.

If you feel like Lauren did something,

you should go talk to her.

I'm not gonna sit here and put words in her mouth.

- So I just wanna know if Lauren

was getting a little too involved,

because my marriage is no one's [bleep] business, nobody's

but mine and my husband. - Hey, Vin.

- Are you good to go with your talent, with your cheer?

- Are you ? I'm okay.

- Okay. Just checking. - Okay.

- Just doing last looks.

So we're getting closer to the talent show,

and I'm getting a little more nervous.

So I'm running around and, like,

checking in with everyone,

because I'm dealing with a bunch

of hot messes right now.

- It's happening. - Whoa.

- Chances are, this is gonna be a disaster.

- I'm, like, living on the edge.

- So wish me luck.

So where do we land on your thing?

Anywhere or no? Like, maybe you could do

some kind of, like, striptease for Jenni...

- Oh, man. - On stage.

Dude, you already have the outfit and everything.

- Yeah. - You got the underwear

and stuff. - Yeah.

Yeah. I'm probably not gonna do that to be honest.

But what do you got--what do you got going on?

- I mean, we have other things. We're doing a full-blown cheer.

- Yeah, I'm doing an excursion.

- Yeah, she's doing a thing.

I tried to get him to do a cheer too.

- You guys should do a thing. Yeah.

- He's not; he only gets naked when he's touching other men.

- Yeah. - Same.

- You seem to enjoy it.

- I did. I did.

[all shouting]

- He's touching his p*nis.

- I like how you throw me, Daddy.

I was counting on Zack to come through for me

and to come through for Jenni,

but now I gotta fill that time slot.

I gotta fill that act up.

So we're having this little talent show for Jenni.

So I'm gonna be the host, and, like some people doing [bleep].

So we wanna figure out something

you can do in a talent show.

- Whatever. Don't tell me-- you just [bleep] me.

- As bad as Uncle Nino is,

one thing about him is that he's down for anything.

You know you're everyone's backup plan, right?

- Yeah. I'm--I'm--I'm...

- So--so I figured maybe we'll play, like,

a little Italian music or something.

and you can dance for her, like, with your wine.

You know, you make it like a...yeah.

- Don't ask too many questions, all right?

- Yeah, okay. - I love you.

- You could definitely rely on Uncle Nino for anything

that requires him to be the center of attention.

- Oh!

- What?

[all shouting]

- What?

- All you gotta do is give Uncle Nino wine,

and he'll do anything for you.

- Yeah.

- Can I have a shot?

- She's pregnant. - Not much.

Should would never give me a shot.

- You wanna practice a little more on the bocces?

- Angelina, Nicole, you wanna play?

Come down and play versus us.

- All right, I'll play. - Angelina, come on.

[tense music]

- All right.

- The teams...what are the te--what are the teams?

- The teams are... - [inaudible]

- You two. So you are down here,

and you're down the--you--you--

actually, I'll go down there. Okay.

- I'm still gonna k*ll you.

- Okay. What do you wanna be, red or green?

- I'll do green. I just wanna get to the bottom

of what really happened at that dinner.

- I asked him some things. - Those hard questions.

I don't trust the girl. I really don't.

What happened last night at dinner?

'Cause he came back, and I was like,

"What the [bleep]?" What did you say to him?

- What did I say to him? - Yeah.

She's a nosy Nellie, and that [bleep]'s gonna stop right now.

- Um...

- I'm gonna get [bleep] up. [laughs]

- I hope one day you find a respectable woman.

- Nicole, I'm right here, b*tch.

- I would like to welcome you to the talent show.

- Boo. You suck. - You little chooch.

Freakin' loser. Get off the stage.

- ♪ [indistinct] ♪

♪ I want it want it want it want it all ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't have it ♪

- What did you say to him?

- What did I say to him? - Yeah.

I wanna know from Lauren's mouth

what really happened at this dinner.

Did she say anything to him? Did he say anything to her?

Like, I just wanna know.

- We ta--we talked about, like, a lot of things.

Like, we talked about how you guys were dating

before all of this started again

and how that's when you got engaged.

And then that was, like, when he, like--like,

that's how you were starting your life together.

And then all this came around, and it, like, changed a lot.

- Without the fame, without the money,

it would be maybe a little easier.

I didn't sign up for the fame and fortune or whatever.

I signed up for just real love with Angelina.

- Part of him was a little resentful towards it.

Like, part of him does wish it didn't come around,

because it changed everything.

- I don't know why my husband would tell Lauren

that he likes things better

before I came back on the show.

He's never told me that,

but if that's really how Chris feels,

he should address me, his wife,

and stop addressing other people.

He should have came to me first.

- But he seems like he had missed you by moving out

and he wanted to make it work now.

Do you think this is the last time

where you guys are gonna separate,

that It's gonna be like here-- - I hope so.

I hope that therapy's gonna work. I really do.

- Mike and I have gone through some crazy [bleep] together,

and we've gotten better and stronger through it.

So I just wanna give her some advice

that it takes two to tango.

So are you done with the guy in Aldrich?

- There is no guy in Aldrich I'm dating.

- So who is the guy in the video?

- He's been my friend for so long,

and Chris knows who he is too.

Like, why can't I go to a friend's house--

- Well, it doesn't sound like you watched the videos...

- I did.

- 'Cause the context is in them.

- [moans]

- This is out in the open.

- Did your husband watch the video?

- My ex. I--I've offered them.

He doesn't want see them. That's his prerogative.

So, like, I'm like, "All right."

So then I won't show him. And---he already knows.

Like, it is--I had friends.

Like, it is what it is. He's good.

- I don't know what videos she saw.

I really don't, because the videos I saw

it was crystal clear of what was happening.

To tell me that you're not worried about it, I don't know.

- Nobody's marriage is perfect. - No.

- And marriage is hard. - It takes work.

- It does take work.

- I'm tired.

I'm gonna get my drink and sit down.

♪ ♪

- Vinny, look at me in the DJ booth.

- DJ Pauly D. I'm having, like, flashbacks right now.

- What up, dawg?

- I haven't been seen behind a booth in so long.

- Wait, wait. Mine doesn't even work; wait a minute.

- I think I overdid my [bleep] speech.

It was way too long.

You gotta take some of that [bleep] out.

- Angelina will not leave my side.

She is attached to me.

Like, she is freaking out over the speech.

This one is questionable.

- This one? Deleted it then. Delete it.

Writing this speech has been so, like,

just exhausting for me.

I just don't like not knowing if it's good enough.

So it's really important to me to have Vinny's

input right now, even though he kind of sucks at it.

- You guys should see the party favors.

On the way out, everybody is getting a horse's head.

I'm here all night.

- I'm good. I don't know. You get the point.

- You're good?

These four paragraphs is about the same [bleep] thing.

- I know--

- There's no saving Angelina from this speech right now.

That's super.

So all I'm doing right now is helping Angelina b*mb less.

- Well, everything that was coming to my mind was funny.

- It's not funny. - All right. So take it out.

- That's stupid. Just take the whole thing out.

- The whole--just delete it. - Yeah. And it's not funny.

- All right. So deleted it then.

- This would only be funny if you were, like,

almost, like, bombing, like you do it corny on purpose.

- Yeah.

- I don't think you'll know how to deliver it though.

Angelina's jokes will probably be the worst-delivered jokes

in the history of comedy.

If you were drunk and wasted, I think you would--

- 'Cause I'm trying to-- - I think you would do it.

I'm not trying to, like, say get wasted, but--

- No, but I'm good at that. When I get--

- 'Cause that will be its own disaster.

- Exactly. Like Nicole.

- [mumbling indistinctly]

Thanks, mama. Yep.

- Chris, I'm ready for some live entertainment.

- One more back and forth.

and we'll go back to the talent show.

- Talent show.

- Oh, what an idiot. Shut the [bleep] up.

- Oh, my God.

- He blow every surprise.

- Did I just [bleep] up? - Yeah. She heard it.

- Oh my God, I just [bleep] up. Oh, God, oops.

- What do you mean talent show?

- Mike, how about you just, like,

don't talk for the next hours,

and then you won't blow the surprise?

- Of course it was Mike. - What a [bleep] idiot.

- ♪ We gonna party like it's your birthday ♪

- Party. - One more back and forth

and we'll go back to the talent show.

- Talent show? - Oh, what an idiot.

Shut the [bleep] up. - Oh, my God.

- Jenni, you didn't hear that. Okay? You didn't hear that.

So Mike's talent is, Mike can't keep a secret.

- What do you mean talent show?

- We have a lot of surprises up our sleeves.

- Oh, my God. - Surprises.

- Honestly, I--I can't even get annoyed at Mike anymore that

he's gonna blow a surprise; like, he just does it.

- Oh, and, Jenni, we baked you a cake.

- Oh my God; I just [bleep] up.

- He blow every surprise.

- Did I just [bleep] up? - Yeah. She heard it.

Just [bleep] every surprise.

- Can't even get mad at him. He can't help it.

He has diarrhea of the mouth.

- Talent show? - Mike.

- Hey, how is Angelina's speech coming?

- Not so good. - Not so good.

- I helped her out a little bit.

- Does it seem malicious or does it seem

like she's trying to make-- - She's trying to be funny,

but she doesn't have a comedic bone in her body.

- So you think that Jenni will be annoyed with it?

[slurps] - [chuckles]

- You doing a speech? - Yeah.

- You better be nice. You gonna give a nice speech?

- I simmered it down a notch.

- You did? - I think so.

- Oh, my God. I really hope that Jenni

does not have to fight someone tonight on her birthday.

Let me see. - Yeah.

No, you can't see it yet.

- Yeah. No, you can't it see yet.

- Stop it. Is that a carrot cake?

- That is a carrot cake. - I love carrot cake, actually.

- I'm through, I'm through with [bleep] around.

It's your birthday.

I love you both for, like, being so into each other.

But, like, the best friend's here.

I'm here because I love JWOWW.

You're still hot. And she's my best friend.

And I really wanna be there for my besties.

Your t*tties look really hot.

- Whoa. - I'm honestly having

a [bleep] ball.

I--I can't wait to get out there

so I can find my drink and enjoy myself.

This is my best friend.

She's really hot. She's got like, great t*ts.

I love you so much.

- You both are smokin' mommas, you know.

- Thank you. At this point,

I just wanna get drunk,

because I'm trying to have a good time.

- You good for the cheer? - Yeah.

- Okay. I'll see you backstage. Have a good show; break a leg.

- Drink it though. - Break a leg, sweetie.

- Live your life, b*tches.

Rise up, b*tches.

This is so fun.

I will do Tito's and seltzer.

- Oh, I'm like living. This is amazing.

If you looked at me, would you be like,

"Oh, she has three kids." - No

- Really? - Yeah.

- Thank you. It's like my goal in life.

Honestly, it feels like the good old days.

Love the color. I feel like I'm again.

And the best friend's here.

- Oh, my God. - I'm trying to get down.

- I miss my meatball days with Nicole's so much.

I'm jealous of Nicole. I wish I was able to drink with her.

- Can I get down? - Meatball problems.

- Oh, my va-gine.

Ahh!

Okay. Okay. I'm here. It's your birthday, b*tch.

- God, I miss Nicole. This is what I missed.

This is the missing piece.

- How hot is JWOWW at ?

- You can get better than this. [bleep].

- We're just trying to have fun.

- Yeah. - And get wasted.

It's time to get wild.

Get you [bleep] together.

We are doing a shot for JWOWW. Let's k*ll it.

- I love birthdays. - Jenni, Jenni, Jenni.

Cheers, my honey. I love you so much.

- Cheers, Uncle Nino.

- From now's speech to--to the end of ever.

Mwah. Love you.

- Beautiful. Thank you, Uncle Nino.

I'm drunk as [bleep] right now.

So I don't know what the [bleep] I'm gonna say.

Thank you. Beautiful.

- Thank you so much for making my day extra special.

Deena k*lled it.

- Hey, excuse me over here.

I did the freakin' tequila thing.

- All right, Angelina, you weren't even involved.

[together] Ohh!

- Nicole, you just got here.

- Who? She told me that it just got here?

- Yep. Round two, fight.

- Oh, God.

[upbeat electronic music]

- I love birthdays.

- It's your birthday.

You are my best friend.

-Are you doing the speech again?

- I am. I was doing it again. [Bleep] off.

- Oh, my goodness.

If it's moist and chewy, then it's a winner.

The desserts are top-notch.

Oh, this is. - Oh, my God, it is perfect.

- Oh, really? - Zack...

you know, I love you, right?

- Of course.

- Just around Jenni. I'm a freaking baby.

- Baby, big [bleep] baby. [Bleep].

- Aww.

- Show 'em how it's done, baby.

- Whoo. - This is close.

- This is intense. - Yes, Christopher.

- I'm starting to sweat. - Sweat.

- Same. - I am too.

Ohh! - [bleep] you, Pauly.

- We got a winner here. - We won.

- We got a winner here. We got a winner here.

- We won, suck it.

- ♪ We beat Deena and Chris ♪

both: ♪ We beat Deena and Chris ♪

- Everyone's playing games right now.

Everyone's having a good time,

but I don't have games to play right now.

I need to get ready for my show.

Tonight I would like to welcome you

to the first annual Jersey show Poconos talent show.

- This looks cute. Beautiful.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

- Watching Nicole is like--like the Animal Planet.

It's, like, she becomes this--

a Snooki here in the Outback.

You will always see a Snooki on rare occasions

for a JWOWW's birthday or a sober-versary.

She's really heating up.

- Yeah, get over yourself.

- Who, me? She's not talking to me.

She couldn't hear me if I was standing in front of her face.

And it's back on the loose again.

There she goes, a rare Snooki

as she does the Snooki mating dance.

Nicole is another Snooki.

It dances around and hope it attracts the perfect mate.

It's doing the mating call.

It jumps up with a carrot in its mouth

with no hands as the Snooki goes back to the buffet.

- I'm hungry.

- Now the Snooki grazes through its natural habitat.

- I'd like a drink.

- The bar. - Yummy. Thank you. Take care.

- We are doing the cake lighting ceremonies

and cutting right now.

Please walk over here where we can light the cake

and sing happy birthday to our special guest.

- No cake on me.

- Whoa. - Oh, my God.

- Are you all right? - I'm all right.

- Party foul.

- Oh, I love Nikki. She's so pretty.

- Party foul.

- You are so tiny. How tall are you?

- '".

- She shrunk. She used to be '".

all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday dear JWOWW ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- I love birthdays! I love birthdays.

- Make a wish. - Jenni. Blow it, b*tch.

- Push [bleep], Push it.

all: Yay.

- She was determined.

- Did you make a wish?

- I don't need to make a wish. - Now you have to cut it.

all: Awww

- [laughs] Jenni.

- I love you all.

Thank you so much for making my day extra special.

- Aww, just like you.

- Especially you, Deena.

- Everyone is loving the party,

especially Jenni, and I'm like, yay.

I pulled it off. - Hi-yo!

- It just makes me happy, 'cause I really just wanted her

to feel special

and have a really, really good birthday.

Deena k*lled it.

- Hey, excuse me over here.

I did the freakin' tequila thing.

- Right, Angelina, you weren't even involved.

[together] Ohh!

- Yes, I was. Nicole, you just got here.

- Welcome back. - Who?

She told me that I just got here?

- Yep. - Tonight. Yes, you did.

[together] Ohh!

- Angelina, I just got here?

- Tonight yeah, you did. Technically you did--

- Okay. Okay. All right.

- And so we'll keep that in mind when I just got here.

- Round two, fight. - Okay.

- Arr, is the Snooki isn't there to save it.

There are definitely a stages of progression

with her drunkenness.

You need different personalities

She's in the matrix right now.

- It's, like, Nicole,

Nicole, Nicole, sit down.

- Whoa!

- What music is she listening to?

- Come on girl. - I then there is Snooki.

- Cheers.

Ohh.

- Snickers. - [indistinct].

- Snookers. - Oh, she can rain, yo.

- Snackers.

It's in your hair. You can't eat at it.

Going from Nicole being fun...

- Where's the beach?

- Right there. Where else would it be?

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna go to the beach so bad.

- Flip to Nicole being Dren.

- Get the [bleep] off. Get off. I'm a [bleep] good person.

- It's literally the difference of a couple of sips.

- So pretty b*tch.

- I just got here, but you're here also.

- Yeah, we might be [bleep]. - Yeah, exactly.

- Yeah, but what's up now, partner?

- What's up? What's up?

- Oh, my God, what do I deal with.

- I have very few tips on how to survive

a Dren encounter, but they do work very well.

One, never look Dren in the eyes. Never.

Two, if you see Dren coming and approaching, walk away.

- First of all, you're gonna die.

- Because Dren will encroach, and she will get in your space.

- She treats you terribly. - Oh, God.

- And she will not let you go.

- I don't treat my husband terribly. You don't know.

- Sorry, but you treat him like dog[bleep].

- There's definitely dramas brewing right now

between Angeliners and Snooki.

- Get away, get away from this. - I need to get away from this.

- Get away from this.

- Them two together sometimes is like oil and water.

- Bring it the [bleep] on.

Bring it on, b*tch.

Hey, oh, so petty, b*tch.

- I hope one day you find a respectable woman.

- Nicole better slow her roll and stay in her [bleep] lane.

Nicole, I'm right here, b*tch.

- That's why people have rematches.

- I hope one day you find a respectable woman.

- Nicole, I'm right here b*tch.

- Oh, oh, they're fighting.

- You're lucky to have him. - It's the other way round too.

He's lucky to have me.

- I'm a little worried right now.

Nicole just transferred into Dren.

Her drunk split personality. That b*tch is crazy.

- Angelina, you're so embarrassing.

- Relax. - What's happening?

- She hates me now. - What happened?

- I'm annoyed at her with the--

with the whole Point Pleasant thing.

- Oh, my God, it was two years ago--

- Because she-- It doesn't matter.

I'm still angry at you. - What?

- Point Pleasant. What the [bleep]?

You're bringing up something from two years ago.

- So you're attacking me now.

- Nicole, relax.

- Angelina, go [bleep] yourself.

- Ooh.

- Don't talk to me like that.

- I'm going home. - No, you're not, Nicole.

- [Bleep] that. I'm going home.

- Is she still really upset about that or something?

- I haven't heard about it till now.

- Oh.

- But still, that's water under the bridge.

- Yeah, you can't bring that up now.

Nicole, you sit there and say you want no drama.

We're good. Cheers.

- Cheers. Drinking buddies back.

- But then you're trying to fight with me.

You make absolutely no sense.

- It's getting a little rowdy out here.

Let's get back to the seats. We got some live entertainment.

- Wait, what happened? What happened?

- She's coming at me telling me I don't treat

my husband good and [bleep].

She's coming at me.

She was just bring up Point Pleasant.

- She just got here. She just got here.

- I'm like, Point Pleasant, girl,

that's two years ago. Come on now.

- Who cares about Point Pleasant, though?

- Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- I don't even remember what happened at Point Pleasant.

I was probably--I was probably in prison.

- I'm just gonna let it go again, 'cause she's drunk.

But if she wasn't drunk, I'd be pissed off.

It's taken a lot. It's taken a lot for me

to shut my mouth and take the [bleep] high road.

- All right, let's get to the talent show.

- Okay, we're coming.

- Angelina, come a-down - I'm coming.

- Come on down to the [bleep] party.

- Nicole is back to her old ways,

and when Dren joins the party, it's definitely a good time.

But...

Come sit down. Watch your talent show.

- Yeah, I know. I'm here.

- You know, she's a firecracker.

- All right. - Well, she's just--

she's just drunk. It is what it is.

- Hi, honey.

- Hi boo-boo. I'll take-- I'll take the out.

- Okay. - Please, everyone.

It would be great if you could just sit down.

Yeah, thank you. All right, can you get our...

- Excuse me.

- Performance people? - What'd you say?

- You scared the [bleep] out of me.

- Honestly, I was--I was waiting for you.

- But now you hate me?

Didn't you miss me? Didn't you miss me?

Nicole came in hot; like, she's only been here

a few hours and she is wasted already.

It's like Nicole is, like, catching up

on all of her Snooki

that she's missed the last two vacations in one day.

- Cheers to meatball surprise. - I missed you guys.

- I know; I'm so happy you're here.

- I'm here to rally. Happy birthday.

- Zack, let's get her wasted.

I want her to show her t*ts. Does anybody else want a drink?

Chug, chug, chug.

- All right, I'm starting to get wasted.

I'll fight somebody. Let's go.

- She'll be all right.

- I gotta get this Poconos talent show off now,

'cause if I don't, then there might not be a talent show.

- It's happening.

Yep.

- All right, let's get this talent show going.

- Are we doing a talent show or no?

- Mike has a nutrition line called Brotein.

So I would actually like to...

I'm feeling good right now, you know?

I gotta, like, just kinda get used to the stage,

say my jokes out loud now that I'm actually in the space...

So I would actually like to bro-pose a toast.

And just kind of go through it, you know,

You--you gotta be prepared.

It's gonna be so corny but, like, funny.

- Can I come in? What are we doing?

- We're getting the show going. - You're so pretty.

- Good, I'm glad you back. Thank you. Shake a leg.

- Okay. You're good?

- Yeah, I'm good. - Okay.

- Start at the talent show.

- I hate your blazer.

Oh, my God, you're so embarrassing.

- Just go. - Honestly. Okay.

Well, I'll be--oh. [glass shatters]

I'll be sitting here for a second.

- Start the talent show, you chooch.

- You're holding this whole thing up. Go.

- Okay. - Nicole won't leave me alone.

- Wait, so you're gonna do like a thing and then I'll--

- Yeah, then I'll bring everyone out.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I promise.

Like, I don't need this stress right before

I'm about to go on stage.

- You look horrible. - Nicole, go.

- Go, guido.

- Vinny, Vin... - Oh!

- Nerves. How now brown cow? How now brown cow?

- Come on, you [bleep] chooch.

- Unique New York. Unique New York.

Here we are. My big moment.

It showtime. The pressure is on.

Okay.

[upbeat music]

- Here we go. Oh, [bleep], babe.

[indistinct].

Babe.

Oh, God. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, God.

[cheers and applause]

- Are you ?

- You look like a chooch.

And it's like, "Vinny, where did you go to a chooch store

to buy that jacket?" Did you walk in the store,

"Hey, can I get it size twiggy, extra-choochy?"

- Ahem. Good evening.

- [laughs]

- Let's get this thing started. Hello, everybody.

I would like to welcome you to the first annual Jersey shore

Poconos talent show hosted by Vinny Guadagnino.

I'm Vinny Guadagnino, "New York Times"

best-selling author,

world-famous Chippendales' stripper,

star of the TV screen and TikTok.

- Boo. You suck.

- You suck. - You suck.

- Being in front of my roommates

and trying to perform comedy,

it's kinda like the ultimate training camp.

- Why does your hairline look like the Rocky Mountains?

- Get off the stage. - Your shirt's too big.

- So at this point, I'm immune to getting things thrown at me.

- Loser. - Oh, my God.

- I keep going. I don't even flinch.

- You little chooch.

Friggin' loser. [bleep].

- Chooch. - Cookie monster.

- Get those pubes off your face.

- Yeah. You call that a beard, as*h*le?

- [laughs] - I'm liking it.

- Ahh! - Loser.

- You're too skinny. - Get off the stage.

- Happy birthday, Jenni. I love you, Jenni.

Too bad you can't Botox a personality.

[laughter] - Oh, my God.

- I don't know what she's doing.

Like, we were good the other day.

I don't understand this.

How much more can I take?

- You call that a beard, as*h*le?

- You suck, bro.

- I'm liking it; I'm liking it. Anymore?

- [indistinct] is your best friend.

- Okay, I think we've got enough guys.

I think we've got enough. Okay.

Tonight I would like to welcome you

to the first annual Jersey Shore Poconos,

talent show hosted by Vinny Guadagnino.

- I can't.

- Where myself and others will be showcasing our talents

for you all in honor of Jenni JWOWW's birthday.

Give it up for Jenni.

[cheers and applause]

- Happy birthday, Jenni. Jenni, damn, you got old.

Jenni went from the life of the party to Life Alert.

- Oh, God.

- In this family, roasting is our love language.

- If you have ever seen Ronald's license

where it says "class," it says "none."

[together] Ohh!

- Yo, when you look at Mike's passport, oh, that's right,

you can't, 'cause he knows he doesn't have one.

- Mic drop. - I love Jenni. She's great.

I loved her in "The Mask." It was amazing.

[laughter]

- Look at Vinny's khakis.

- Yo, can you get me an appointment at the genius bar?

[laughter]

- Damn, them kneecaps is crazy.

- Oh, my God.

- Why does your knees look like a camel's back?

- When they go low, Vin...

- You go on your knees.

[together] Ohh!

- If we don't roast you, you're not part of the family.

So happy birthday, Jenni. I love you.

This is gonna be epic.

Jenni went from JWOWW to J ow, my back.

I love you, Jenni.

Too bad you can't Botox a personality

- Oh my God - Ohh!

- Jeez Louise.

- There's an art to roasting people

and I'm just getting started.

I'm not really a big Poconos guy.

I'm more of a city guy. I'm from New York, you know.

Poconos is just too vast, empty, and lifeless for me.

The only thing more vast, empty, and lifeless

than the Poconos is Angelina and Chris' sex life.

- Oh, damn. - Oh, wow.

- as*h*le.

- Angelina, I love you, girl. Cheers, baby.

You might recognize Angelina from her hit single

"I'm Hot," "Jersey Shore," and ring.com.

[laughter]

- Oh, my God.

[laughter]

- What the hell is that? Oh, my God.

- Angelina doesn't have sex with her husband.

How do you not have sex with your husband?

Like, how do you sleep at night?

Oh, I know how you sleep at night.

Hanging upside down in a cave, you [bleep] witch.

[laughter]

- Oh, my God. - [bleep] you.

- You go, Angelina. Throw it

- You suck. [bleep] you, Vinny.

[bleep] you, b*tch. [bleep] you. [bleep] you.

Royally take my [bleep] finger and shove it up your [bleep]

and rotate, b*tch.

- You suck. Mother[bleep].

- Chris, I love you, bro. Chris misses the sex life.

Chris is a freaking mother[bleep].

They had some kinky sex.

- I'm sorry, I like--I like rough sex.

I [bleep] slap Chris. I'm like...

- Oh. - I'm on top of him,

and I'm like, yeah, mother[bleep].

And I'm like... - [laughs]

- Chris misses that kinky sex

so much that sometimes when he's driving his car

he hits the brakes for no reason

just so his seat belt can choke him out.

[laughter] - True.

- Peace out. - You're not getting them back.

- Oh, oh, oh. - Chris, [bleep].

- He's a good sport. You're a good sport.

- True. [laughter]

- Deena and Chris are here. Deena's always pregnant.

At this point, Deena has been pregnant

more times than I've ever worn condoms.

[laughter]

- I only have one child.

- Nikki and Pauly are here.

Give it up for Nikki and Pauly.

- Salut. - Eh.

- Or as I like to call them, jerk chicken parmesan.

[laughter]

You're the side piece, not me.

- Okay, if that makes you sleep better at night.

- It's kinda funny.

- Uncle Nino is here. What's up, Uncle Nino?

- People say I look like Uncle Nino.

- Maybe if I died,

rotted in the ground, and became a skeleton.

[laughter] - Come on.

You wish. You mother[bleep]. You mother[bleep]. I love him.

- Where's my boy Mike? Situation in the building. Yes.

Mike, such a transformation. Mike is a huge businessman.

Such a businessman. That businesses, you know,

stealing other people's quotes,

printing them on T-shirts, and making a profit.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, wow.

- Mike also has a nutrition line called Brotein.

I wanna bro-pose a toast and bro-claim that Mike

is such a bro-fessional and he's bro-viding a service.

And if I'm a betting man, I would bet that

if you think any of these businesses are gonna do good,

you're going to go broke.

- Vinny is coming for Brotein, and he's coming

from my T-shirt store,

which is just k*lling the game right now.

And I'm thinking to myself, the joke's on you.

Thanks for plugging my businesses.

You know, your saltiness only seasons my sauce.

[laughter]

- This family vacation is so nice.

I mean, this is the craziest vacation we ever had.

Everybody has everything they need.

You know, Jenni brought everything here.

Jenni brought her therapist, her babysitter,

her personal assistant, but enough about Zack.

[laughter]

Zack, congratulations on your proposal to Jenni.

Guys, give him a round of applause.

I mean, it's amazing. Congratulations.

It must've been such a special moment

when you proposed to her.

It sucks that we weren't there.

I'm sure you took her to the top of

the Empire State building...

- Oh, God, I'm scared.

- You got down on one knee and you said,

"Jenni, can I borrow your credit card?"

[together] Ohh. Oh my God.

- Is he laughing? Please laugh.

- What a d*ck.

- I don't want him to beat me up.

[together] Ohh!

- Zack, you're the biggest person I've ever seen.

Zack is the biggest, whitest man I've ever seen.

The only thing bigger and whiter than Zack

are Ronnie's teeth.

- [bleep] you.

- I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying if there's a power outage out here

we'll all be good.

Ronnie and Saffabear can just smile.

It's all I'm saying? It's all I'm saying?

Saffabear. Hey, Saffabear. Welcome to the fam. Saffabear.

That's a cute name. I like bears.

Did you guys know that bears, to keep themselves warm,

they actually have two fur coats?

That's also what Ronnie has to buy her

every time they break up.

[laughter]

I'm just kidding; welcome to the family. It's all good.

- Oh, my God.

- Good job, Vin.

- Thank you, Nicole. Welcome back.

- Yeah. [laughter]

- [bleep] off, Ron.

- Love you too.

- Yeah, I see you.

- I see you.

- Party's here. - [mumbles indistinctly]

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the first annual

Jersey Shore Poconos,

talent show hosted by Vinny Guadagnino.

- Good job, Vin.

- Thank you, Nicole. Welcome back.

- Yeah. [laughter]

- That was fun.

- That was great. - Thank you.

- Encore. - Encore.

- I don't have any more.

- Encore. - It only took a dozen years,

but Vinny finally delivered a decent speech.

- We're gonna have a talent show for you

where everyone is gonna display a talent.

And to get started, Mike is gonna to start us off.

and he's gonna do what he does best, eat.

So give it up from Mike, The Situation, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, my God.

- All right, I'm gonna put a minute on the clock,

and we're gonna see how many chicken tendies Mike

can take down in a minute.

All right, guys, let's count them down.

Give me a five count.

[together] Five, four, three, two, one.

- Go. Come on, Mike.

- Go, Mike.

- You eat like a [bleep] mouse. What the [bleep]?

- Come on, Mike.

- He's the slowest...

What--what in the--what in the world?

- Honey, are you okay? - I'm choking.

- This is very anticlimactic.

- [laughs]

- Mike, take it.

- Take it, Mike.

- What is he doing?

- He is throwing the tendies.

- Come on. - You guys are now witnessing

the Angeliners-inspired tendi-toss dance.

- Angelina's been going to her neighbor's house.

This is quote unquote, Angelina is throwing her garbage

and chicken nuggets every--everywhere outside.

- What? I haven't eat chicken in [bleep] forever.

- And once you to throw a chicken finger out the window,

you know Mike's gonna get involved.

- Throwin' tendies. I'm throwin' tendies. Tendies.

- Boo.

[together] Five, four, three, two, one.

- Yay, give it up for Mike "The Situation."

- This looks like Beacher's Madhouse.

That was horrible.

What kind of birthday present is this?

[laughter]

- I can't. - Oh, I got to go backstage.

I think I need a--a costume change.

Be right back. - Good job.

- Thank you. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, look at this one.

- She's [bleep] gonna beat me up tonight

or try to at least.

- There's something really yummy in this.

You want to try it?

Yum.

- You want to try-- - Nah, nah, nah, nah.

- Who wants one? - Okay.

- [bleep]. - What is that?

- I don't know. It's better than your wife

at being an as*h*le to you.

- Okay, thank you.

- Here we go again.

There's no excuse for her to be acting like this.

She's-- I don't know what she's doing.

Like, we were good the other day.

I don't understand this. I mean that--

- Yeah, I know, just let it go.

- How much more can I take?

Throwing [bleep] in my hair.

Like, get the [bleep] outta here.

- Oh.

- Ignoring it.

Okay, so now I'm really concerned, because Nicole

just crossed over to the dark side,

the side of Dren, which is the point of no return.

- Babe, that's Uncle Nino's.

- Hmm, it's mine.

- Like, this is not gonna end well.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Angelina.

- Nicole.

- She's on another level, dude.

- I'm trying to figure out what exactly is going on.

Like, this is supposed to be a birthday party,

but you got to Angelina pissed off,

Nicole's drunk Dren's here.

I don't know what's going on.

- Angelina. - What?

- I'm literally throwing [bleep] at you.

- That was awesome.

- I love birthdays this time of year.

- I threw some crabs at you.

- Stop being like that today.

- Crab cake? Who throws crab cake?

- She's throwing [bleep] in my [bleep] back.

- I hear you. - I know do.

- Oh, my God.

- I can't

- Right now, Angelina's reaction is no reaction.

- You're gonna smell like a fish then.

- Oh, my goodness. - She's so lucky she's drunk.

- Oh, she's so lucky. Are gonna fight me?

- Dude, come on now.

- And I'm wondering if she's gonna eventually blow her top.

- I got crab in my [bleep] hair.

- [laughs]

[upbeat music]

- She stole my wine. She stole my wine.

- We got a busy beat up with DJ Pauly D. Let's go.

- Hey!

- What is happening?

- She's like the Energizer Bunny.

- Oh, it's happening.

- Oh! - Man down.

- Oh, my God.

- Jenni, where are you at? Do you know what that means?

Like, your [bleep] was [bleep]; that's [bleep] crazy.

- What? - Oh, my God.

- Oh, wow.

- I've been waiting to pop off for a long time.

all: Ohh!

- Dude, you've got a [bleep] dart in your neck.

- He's not okay, guys; we need a medic.

- Medic! - This is what happens

when guidos--Nicole; [bleep] goes weird.

- Oh, my God. There's a titty out.

- Twiggy. - We need to go home

before an ambulance [indistinct] showed up.

- We need a medic.

- Do we have a neck brace on hand?

- Ooh, that was a doozy.