04x23 - Guidos on Ice

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ MTV ♪

- This is a lot of space for a single guy.

- I know. I'm not single anymore.

I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Saffire. Hey, baby.

- There's gonna be a bear sighting in the Poconos today.

- I will not react to Vinny starting tonight.

- What's the bet, though? - If you succeed,

Jenni goes in the pool with her clothes on.

- All right. Fine. - Wow.

- You guys wanna do a workout? - Like a wrestling workout?

- Oh. - Oh!

- I think we got the basics to do a match.

- We need an announcer. - What the [bleep]?

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

- GuidoMania!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the GuidoMania.

[women cheering]

I'm Uncle Nino, your announcer for tonight's main event.

- Tonight's main event will be three on one.

- What? - Three on--no,

three on two, three on two.

I'm sorry. I missed one. - What?

- So Nino is supposed to be a ring announcer.

- Eh...[laughs] - What did he say?

- I don't know. I can't understand him.

- But a ring announcer should be like a guy

that introduces people, is very articulate.

- What the [bleep]? - There's children here.

- It's [inaudible] Liberace.

- Huh?

- So Uncle Nino was probably not a good idea,

because you have to literally understand

the ring announcer to know what the [bleep] is going on.

- Tonight's main event will be three on two match

with Guido World Championship on the line.

- What? - Tell him to speak English.

- First coming into the ring is, standing at '",

from Bethlehem, New York,

my girlfriend's fiancé, unfortunately,

the Boy Wonder "," AKA Zack Clayton.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Let's go!

- Oh, my God.

- These dudes been talking mad [bleep] for a years.

They're going down tonight.

- , where are my [bleep] Speedos?

Those are my Speedos. He's got my Speedos.

- Whoa!

- Zack comes out, and he's in little--

like, he's, like, in underwears,

and he's acting like a tough guy.

And I'm like, "This is not the Zack I know at all."

- [inaudible]. - Don't hurt anyone.

- His partner, born and raised in the Bronx, Muscle Marinara,

the GOAT Ronnie "The Ron Page" Magro,

[inaudible] wise guy.

- What? - I'm dying. I can't do this.

- What the [bleep]? - What the [bleep] is right.

- I can't understand a [bleep] word he's saying right now.

When do I go out?

[speaking gibberish]

- As the--as the-- as the One Shot Kid.

- [speaking gibberish]

I need subtitles, Nino.

Like, I need a television in front of you at all times.

- [bleep] Ronnie "The Ron Page!"

- Come at me, bro.

- Oh, my God!

[women cheering]

- I've waited ten years for this.

So I'm gonna do [inaudible].

Give him a cup of shut the [bleep] up.

- Yes! - Knockout Ronnie.

- That's good. It's good. That's a good thing.

From Las Vegas, your girl's favorite DJ.

- No, just me. - "The Boy" DJ Pauly D!

[upbeat music] - Yeah.

Put 'em up. Put 'em up.

[engine revving]

Yeah, buddy!

[women cheering]

Normally, I'm in a club beating up that beat.

But today I'm beating up your face.

- Yeah, Pauly!

- Oh, my God. - All right.

- Oh, my God. Oh, God. Babe, don't break the stage.

- My bad. - Next, Manalapan,

New Jersey's favorite son.

He fought his way out of [bleep] federal prison

thanks to me. - Oh, my God.

- The man who [inaudible] calls

the Comeback Kid, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino!

[glass shatters]

[upbeat music]

- This is The Situation right here.

- Whoo! Whoo!

This moment I've been planning for over a decade.

Come at me, brother! I'm coming at you!

- Whoo! - Chris is his manager.

- Oh, my God.

- I've been waiting for this rematch for ten years.

Ronnie was the best man at my wedding

only to keep him this close

so that I can take him down this very moment.

- No chance against MVP! - And lastly, my nephew

from Staten Island, Angelina's ex-boyfriend...

- Come on. - Pauly D's sidekick,

Chippendale [inaudible] stripper,

my nephew the Keto Torpedo,

Vinny "The Choo-Choo" Guadagnino.

[upbeat music]

- Do you have any cauliflower crust?

- Oh, my God. - Get out of here.

[women booing]

- I'm zero grams of carbs, grams of whoop a*s.

- Oh, my God.

Look at him.

- [inaudible].

[women booing]

- Oh, and he's gonna jump-rope. - Oh, my God. He's jump-roping.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What the [bleep] are you doing?

Vinny has to be the least intimidating character

in the history of wrestling.

- Keto Torpedo.

- Awkward!

- Embarrassing!

- Your p*nis must hurt like a son of a b*tch.

[whistle tweeting]

- Yeah!

Oh, my God.

My husband in his referee uniform looks so hot.

Chris might get lucky tonight.

I'm just saying.

Let's get this going.

[cheers and applause]

- Let's go. Let's go.

- Let's go! [women cheering]

- Come on, Pauly! - Break his face, babe!

- Come on, Pauly! - Whoo!

- So I think Ron is on the same team as Zack.

And then the three boys MVP are on the same team.

They're like a tag team.

- Headbutt him. Come on, babe. Headbutt him.

Headbutt him! Get him, babe! Get him, babe! Get him.

What are--they look like they're making out.

[laughter]

- Oh!

- Ahh!

- No!

- Oh! - [laughs]

- Zack, I know you're big.

I know you're oily. I know you're years old.

But the Keto Torpedo is gonna show you what's up, son.

- Not allowed to have rope! No rope! No rope!

- Wait, Vinny's got a rope. That's not allowed.

- No! My rope! - Oh, my God.

- Tap it. Tap it.

- Whoa, whoa! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

- Oh, my God!

- Zack is wrestling Vinny like a cat playing with a mouse.

He's just tossing him around like a yarn ball.

- No! Don't do it.

- He's touching his meat.

all: Ohh!

- Zack. Oh, my God!

My roommates are not wrestlers.

You're gonna break one of their bones.

- [grunts] - Oh, my God.

- Tag him in. Tag him in.

- Yo, yo. You're in. You're in. You're in. You're in.

- Oh, no. - Oh, no.

- Oh, God. It's Ron and Mike.

Oh, [bleep].

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- When Mike and Ron really fought in Italy,

it was so scary.

- Want to hit me, tough guy?

You want to throw my [bleep] bed?

- Yeah.

- You want to throw my [bleep] bed?

You want to do this? Let's do it!

- So this is crazy.

[together] BDS! BDS! BDS! BDS! BDS!

- You are going down, my dude.

Listen, you faced Situation at his worst.

Now face BDS at his best.

Come at me, bro.

- Come on, babe.

Ron, I'm gonna k*ll you if you hurt my husband.

- Bring him down! Bring him down.

- Oh, no. Oh, my God.

- Look, I mean, Mike and Ronnie have some old pent-up

aggression built against each other for many years.

This fight might turn real.

- Oh, my God. - Don't hurt each other.

- Mike, no!

[tense music]

- What's happening?

At first, I was a little nervous.

But then I see them doing these, like, dance moves.

They're like...

- Oh, what is that?

- I felt like they thought they were on

"Dancing with the Stars" or something.

- They're doing, like, some kind of rain dance.

- Like, what is my husband doing?

- Oh, my God.

- Test of strength. Let's go.

[rock music]

- Go, Daddy Sitch. Go, Daddy Sitch.

Go! - [screams]

- Go, Daddy Sitch. - Let's do it!

Let's do it! - Stop it!

- Let's do it! [bleep]. - Stop. Stop it.

- No!

- What the [bleep]?

- Yo, Mike, are you okay? Look at me. You all right?

- Come on, babe. [screams]

- Get up, Mike! - Get him!

- Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

- No!

[cheers and applause]

- Go in and have a good time.

- Yeah. - Get it, Greyson!

- Oh-h*-h*-h*!

- Greyson.

all: Ohh!

- Whoo!

- Oh, my God!

[bell dings] [women hollering]

- He's so cute.

- Best part of the night, Greyson wins.

They hoist him up. Show him off like the prize that he is.

I'm crying.

It was such an incredible thing to watch.

Meilani, go get the prize.

I'm obsessed with how Zack treats my kids,

puts Greyson and Meilani on a pedestal,

brings Meilani in the ring

to give the belt that she'd decorated to Greyson.

And it's just so priceless.

- Yes! - So good. So proud.

- There's only a few minutes left in the bet.

- No, no, no. No!

- Get in here. - Hi.

- The Bearcation has officially started.

- Whoo!

- I'm just hoping and praying they don't scare her off.

Angelina sprays her vag*na with Summer's Eve at the bar.

- Oh, my God.

- You're not supposed to put perfume on your vag*na.

- ♪ Crash, boom, bang They'll never hear it ♪

♪ With their head stuck in the sand 'cause they fear ♪

♪ So just step back till they're outta the way ♪

♪ Push the rest aside till only you remain ♪

- This is so frickin' awesome.

- Everyone k*lled it.

And we are ready to take our exploits to Pay-Per-View.

Yo, I need to eat something. Oh, my goodness.

Look at all this food. They got calamaris over here.

Oh, my God. They got chicken sandwiches.

And burgers. Oh, my God.

Wangers. We got wangers. Oh, my God, pretzels.

Oh, my God, tendies. Everyone loves tendies.

- Honey, why don't you sit down and eat

instead of standing and get all your sweat [inaudible]?

- Ronnie, awesome job. - That was good, bro.

- Awesome job. - You did great.

- Greyson, you're going down next time.

- Oh, my God. He's stabbing.

- Ow, he's stabbing me. - Don't stab.

- Greyson's gonna defend his title now.

[phone dings]

- The wifey should be here shortly.

- I'm really excited.

Saffire finally gets here tonight.

- You got a lot of ba*ls bringing her, kid...

- Yeah.

- To GuidoMania part . - Greyson. Greyson.

- This is so good. - You know, I see your boob.

- Oh, [bleep]. - I can't with you.

- Oh, my God. You're not drinking anymore.

- It is almost hours since I made the bet.

- You can't react to Vinny for hours.

- If you succeed, Jenni goes in the pool with her clothes on.

- All right, fine. - Wow.

- For some miracle, Angelina is, like,

still not reacting to him.

- Where does one get an outfit like that?

- Snooki shop. - [laughs]

- Angelina. - Ooh.

- [laughs]

- Angelina, you look like actually, like,

naturally pretty right now. What's going on?

- What the...

- As opposed to orange and melted.

- [sighs]

- There's only a few minutes left,

and she's a little intoxicated.

I need Vinny to [bleep] double down on this [bleep].

- So I have to get her to react?

- Yes. - Okay.

- Uncle Niño, Come here.

I got to fix the back of your collar.

- What's the matter?

- You're missing, like, a bunch of bedazzle.

- What's playing fair? b*tch just doesn't have

to react; doesn't mean how hard he goes at her.

- Angelina, why are you being so nice?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Wet T-shirt contest. - [laughs]

- Don't. You know the--you know the bet.

- Why are you being so nice to me?

- Come on, girl. React.

- I'm so good. I'm so good.

- I'm trying to help Jenni win this bet.

And Angelina is not biting.

So every time Angelina doesn't flip out,

Jenni looks at me pissed.

- You just won. - That's it.

- It was so good. - We got to break this up.

We got to break this up. - Yo, I don't know

what to do after that, bro.

- She won, sorry.

- You got to go in the pool. - Oh, [bleep].

- Whoo! - No!

God damn it. [sighs]

- Jenni's going in the pool!

- Who knew Angelina

could actually, like, keep her mouth shut.

Like, I'd never thought that I'd see the day.

- Thanks, Vinny, for trying.

- It's gonna be so fulfilling to push that b*tch

finally in a pool.

You know what? Now it's back to square one.

You know what that means? You know what that means?

- Oh, imagine--no, no, no. No!

- Come on! The second I lose?

Go to hell.

- That was a fun night. Let's head out.

- Is this the bus for the wrestlers?

- ♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

- Good night, guys.

- Good night. - Bye.

- Do we really have to go to sleep right now?

Like, I'm not tired.

- She doesn't stop talking again,

she'll talk all [bleep] night. - Pauly.

- Come on. Hurry up before she comes.

- Angelina's drunk tonight.

So I need to sneak to the bedroom.

She has the room next door. And I don't want

to get stuck talking to her when she's drunk.

- Which way? - This way.

- Nikki! - I want more drinking!

- Look at that. - Hello.

- Hurry up. She's coming.

- Don't [bleep] sleep. [bleep] drink with me.

- Finish up [inaudible]. - We're here!

Nikki!

- What the [bleep]? - Safe.

- I don't understand. Get me in here.

- Good night, Angelina.

- Ah, [bleep].

- How do you feel after getting slammed by Zack?

- I'm [bleep] up right now.

- My a*s cheeks hurt. I don't know why.

- That was something else you did last night.

- [laughs] [phone rings]

- Oh. Hey, baby.

- Hi, babe. I'm here.

- I will come meet you. - Sounds good.

- All right. All right, bye.

- Saffabear, about time.

- Oh, my God. I'm excited. Saffire's finally here.

You know, it's been almost a week that I haven't seen her.

And being around all these couples are making me

miss her even more.

Get in here.

- Hi. - Hi, baby.

- Hi, babe.

[both speaking indistinctly]

- I finally get to get in a room with her

and I get to feel normal again and have my significant other

and the person I love the most with me now.

I missed you. - I missed you too.

- Just got back from wrestling.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, I think I broke my back.

- Hey, Saffa. - What's up?

- Nice to, like, meet you again.

I don't really know much about Saffabear.

I only met her for, like, two seconds.

I met her in a Zoom really quickly.

But they look happy together. They're both all smiles.

I think they might have the same dentist actually.

[laughs]

Their smiles are brighter than my future, honestly.

They're blinding me.

[knock at door]

- Nikki!

Pauly. I want more drinking.

- [farts]

- Oh, my God. - Give that to Pauly and Nikki.

Now when they open the door, they gonna think it was you.

- This is our room. I lost my boyfriend Pauly.

And Ronnie started sleeping next to me instead.

So you guys are sleeping right here next to me.

- Yeah, we know Vinny's into ratchet threesomes,

but I don't think so.

In Vinny's real life, he would like us to sleep there. But...

- Dude, you-- - That's not gonna happen.

I have a room for us next door. Sorry, Vinny, not tonight.

All right. Let's get to our room.

- Okay. - No.

- We'll leave him to bask in his misery and his keto farts.

- Okay, bye. - Bye. See you at breakfast.

First, Pauly's leaving me for a girl.

Bro, are you really gonna leave me all by myself?

- Have a good night.

- What about the last ten years?

Now Ronnie's leaving me for a girl.

- Bye, Vin. - See you.

- Whatever happened to guy code?

[sighs]

[gentle piano music]

- Mwah!

- ♪ All by myself ♪

- [giggling]

- ♪ Don't want to be all by myself ♪

[knock at door]

- What's up, Vin? I got nowhere to crash.

I want to crash in your bed.

[inaudible] [bleep].

- Uncle Nino. - What's the matter?

- There's an entire resort here full of rooms.

Please just go find another room.

- No. I'm gonna crash right here.

- This is not what I meant when I said

I didn't want to be alone.

I gotta get a girlfriend.

- Ah! Oh, my God. It's even got a headboard.

Vin, I got the same headboard at home.

Look [inaudible].

Vin, look. [inaudible]. Look, look.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, God. Oh, God. My back is still hurting.

- Mmm. - [groans]

- Oh, I'm getting too old for this [bleep].

- Oh, my God. You're walking horrible.

- I know. Muscles in my body that I don't even know

existed hurt.

Right now, I feel like how Mike woke up in Italy

after he fought the wall.

- [groans]

- You all right?

- I didn't realize that wall was so hard.

- Now I know what you went through.

Ow.

- Oh, honey. My back is still hurting.

- Me and Mike had a "rematch"

because that fight we had ten years ago,

the fight when he ran into the wall.

- I don't--

- [laughs] - I know.

That's why I love you. [laughs]

Saffire never really watched the show,

which is so refreshing that she doesn't know any of this stuff.

- I'm like, "Oh, thank God."

- So what are we gonna do today?

- Um, do brunch with everybody. - Okay.

I'm just, like, a little nervous.

- Yeah, me too.

- There's some bears in these woods.

And there's a bear coming to town today,

and that's Saffabear.

- The Bearcation has officially started.

- How many bear references

do you think they make in one lunch?

- So many.

- Maybe I'll try to sneak one in there too.

But mine will be so subtle

that you'll probably "bearly" notice.

- Good.

- I'm, like, really excited to meet everyone.

Who do you think I have to be worried about?

- What's up, my guy? What's up, my guy?

- [bleep] b*tch.

- Ronnie! - Oh!

- Yeah.

- You want to throw my [bleep] bed?

- Ronnie! Ronnie! No!

[all screaming]

- They're good, actually. - Yeah?

- Yeah.

- ♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah ♪

- Oh, man. - You up, Vin?

- You didn't change or anything?

- No. I didn't change.

I can't even change my mind. What the [bleep]?

- Why didn't you put on, like, pajamas or something?

- Pajamas?

I haven't wore--I haven't wore pajamas in years.

- That's disgusting.

It's so annoying waking up

next to Uncle Nino AKA Liberace.

- Vinny, you got razors? I need to shave.

- When I wake up in the morning, like,

I'm a gentle person, you know?

Give me, like, a few hours to ease into the day.

- What's this pubic hair? There's pubic hair on stuff.

- But Uncle Nino just, like, starts right away.

- So what kind of sticks are these?

You smoke these things?

- Uncle Nino. - What?

- Can you just be quiet? He's just uncle Nino /.

- You got horns.

You got [bleep] horns all over the place.

- And I need a little bit less Uncle Nino in the morning.

- What are you doing? What do you got?

- If you want to sit here, you got to wear this.

- [bleep] yeah. No--

- It's for COVID. It's for COVID. There you go.

- How do I drink my [bleep] coffee?

What the--it can't fit. Mmm.

- Wake up. - No!

- We're gonna be late for brunch. We gotta go.

Come on.

- I drank too much. Stop!

- What does one wear to a brunch?

- Button-down. - Yeah, right.

I don't wear button-down to a wedding.

- Are you twinning with me today?

- Oh, twinning with you.

- I put them on first.

- We got sneakers that match, shirts that match.

Yeah, we're that couple.

- Take a walk, get some coffee. - All right.

- You got razors?

There's one there, but I'm afraid to touch it.

- Don't touch any of my [bleep].

Everybody knows how much I love my uncle.

But right now, I need some space.

All right, bro, listen, I'm gonna go take a shower

and get ready for the day. - What are we doing today?

- I'm trying to go to Saffa brunch.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go--I'm gonna go take a shower.

Let's [bleep] do something.

- Oh, man.

I don't know what I have to do to get a break

from Uncle Nino. I have to, like,

tie him to a radiator or something,

because this is not gonna work.

- Shuttle's here. Let's roll out, crew.

- I'm excited to meet her.

- All right, let's go. - It's a big day.

- Hopefully, it'll be a nice, positive brunch.

- Uncle Nino, bathroom's all yours.

- The walls are close, so I can't fall on the floor.

- Yeah. No, you'll be good.

- Take your time. No rush. We're not doing anything.

[upbeat music]

I don't want Uncle Nino following me around all day.

So maybe if I take all his clothes out of the room

that he has to change into,

then he might have to stay in this room.

♪ ♪

[toilet flushes]

♪ ♪

- Vinny.

♪ ♪

Where the [bleep] is my [bleep]?

What the [bleep]?

- I'm hiding from my uncle. I have all his clothes.

- Oh, my God. - Where's my suitcase?

[bleep]. I got [bleep] robbed, dude.

My [bleep] clothes are gone.

There's three feet of snow outside.

- At least I left him something.

- That's not gonna stop Uncle Nino.

He's gonna drink wine. He won't feel the weather.

- [bleep] [bleep]. I'm gonna get you, Vin.

I'm coming to get you in my Speedos.

[bleep] everybody.

[rock music]

- Yeah, brunch, kid.

- Let's go, guys. Clap, clap.

- It's a bit brick out here in Poconos.

- Guys, I gotta go do something real quick.

I can't wait for this brunch meal, okay?

I can't wait for everybody to grill Saffabear.

But the first thing I have to do is get

Uncle Nino out of my room.

I need an extra room.

- Extra room? - Yeah.

- Sure.

- My uncle's trying to share a room with me,

and I'm trying to escape from him.

- Where the [bleep] is everybody?

It's cold in this [bleep] hallway.

Hey, where the [bleep] is everybody?

- I got his luggage right here. - Okay.

- And if we can get another room,

like, as far away as possible from .

- As far away as possible. - This is a big place,

so, like, some other wing,

some other--it could be another state.

- Look at that ice out there [bleep].

Just looking at the ice, my ba*ls are getting cold.

Vin, where the [bleep] are you?

- I think you'll be happy with this new location.

- Yeah? It's pretty far? - Yeah.

- All right. Sounds good.

- Where are you, Vin? [bleep].

Where's my suitcase?

- Oh, there's actually cool activities today.

- The Bae Game.

How well do you know your partner? Ooh.

- I'll do the Bae Game, and I'm also interested in bumper cars.

- Etiquette Dinner. That's for you, Angelina.

- Is that Jenni in the pool after I throw her in it?

- Oh.

- Oh, damn. Their beef is real, kid.

- Oh, my God. I smell foods. I smell foods.

- All right, let's go.

- Is there a bear down there? - They're not here.

They're not here. Everybody get to the food.

Get to the-- just get to the food

and get to the seating arrangements.

Oh, my God.

I'm taking an edge seat, so it's not awkward, kid.

Ronnie and Bear are not in the building right now.

And it would be a shame to let these foods get cold,

so it's time to eat, baby.

Has there been a bear sighting yet?

- You ready to meet everyone? - I am nervous.

- [laughs] - Yeah.

- I can't wait for Saffire to meet the family.

But I'm also nervous, because they're like untamed children.

- Can you pass me that wedge of lettuce?

- Ooh. - Ooh, you can't say wedge.

- What am I bringing Saffire into?

- Are you popping champagne

and Saffabears didn't even get here yet?

- I'm drinking an alcoholic beverage.

I need a [bleep] mimosa.

- I'm just hoping and praying

they'll be on their best behavior for once.

I don't want to scare her off. - Just don't do it.

It's too early for this [bleep].

- Are you my doctor? If you're not my doctor,

I suggest you shut the [bleep] up.

- Here we go. We got a Bear sighting.

Bear sighting. - Hey, guys!

- Bear sighting! - Hey, guys!

- Hi! - What's up, guys?

- Saffabear! - Hi.

- Nice to meet all of you. - That's Mike, Lauren.

- How are you? Nice to meet you, Saffire.

- Ronnie and Saffire have entered the room,

and it's time to get this Bearcation started.

- Look how nervous Ronnie is!

Look at how nervous Ronnie is! Don't be nervous, bro.

- Yeah, he's definitely nervous.

- I'm the nervous one.

- Oh, don't be nervous. - We're excited to meet you.

- Well, I was excited to meet you guys too.

- Well, cheers to the new happy couple.

- Yes, thank you. [together] Cheers.

- Thank you, guys.

- Ron definitely has a right to be worried

about introducing Saffa to us, because, well, we're us.

- I mean, Chris, why don't you have some pineapple,

so your [bleep] for Angelina?

- Oh, my God.

- What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

- What?

- I'm trying to help you out, dude.

- You're not helping. You're making it worse.

- You're a sick individual. - I'm sorry.

- Angelina, you did that with me.

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

- You kidding me? There's a new guest here.

You're [bleep] embarrassing me in front of her.

- Answer the question.

[laughter] - What is wrong with you?

- I'm trying to hook you up, Angelina.

- That's not real. - Why don't you try it?

Here, Chris, take some [bleep].

- Somebody lost a bet. - Throw Jenni in the pool time.

- Oh, my God. It's actually happening.

[together] Push her in! Push her in!

Push her in! Push her in!

- I think she's afraid to do it.

[together] Push her in! Push her in!

- Do it!

- There's a new guest here. You're [bleep] embarrassing me

in front of here? - Answer the question.

[laughter]

- Oh, can someone pass the cream?

- Keep it up, Vinny. You know how that goes.

- How does it go? What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna [bleep] do? What are you gonna [bleep] do?

- We've been here for five minutes, literally,

and it's already spiraling out of control.

[line trilling]

- Pick up the [bleep] phone, Vinny.

What the [bleep]? - Into an automatic...

- Automatic, my ba*ls.

Where the [bleep] are you? Call me back.

- I don't want-- - Yo, smack this dude, man.

- Chris, you let him do that. - No, I stopped him.

- He stopped me.

- He stopped him from putting his sausage in her mouth.

- It's definitely overwhelming with all of us at a table.

It's like when a substitute teacher

walks into a new classroom and they're like...

- Angelina sprays her vag*na with Summer's Eve at the bar.

- I love spraying it. I don't know.

It just gives it a little freshy-fresh.

- Maybe I should have given her a little bit more prep

on everyone, because this is weird.

- It's like putting on perfume when you walk out the door.

- But you're not supposed to put perfume on your vag*na.

- Anyway, Saffa, how was the flight?

[laughter]

- [bleep] Shut up!

- We always deal with these two,

but we never deal with these two

- Exactly. Exactly.

- So can we get to know Saffa, please?

- Yeah, please. - So where did you guys meet?

- We heard this story from Ron. We need your version.

- We met in Miami actually. - Ooh.

- Ooh. - We want to know how.

- So I was sitting with my friends in the booth.

And he just sat, like, next to us randomly.

- Really?

- I was like, "Why is he sitting here?"

I go, "This is a girls' dinner." Like--

- He sat with all the girls? - Yeah.

- Oh, my God, Ron. Look at you. - Okay, Rico Suave.

- We all saw what happen at "Trouble Shot At Love."

I can only wonder what Ronnie's pickup line

was in Miami with Saffabear.

- Hi, ladies. My name is Ronnie.

all: Hi!

- Talk, you idiot.

- What was his--what was his pickup line?

- Yeah. - There was no pickup line.

[laughter] - What?

- "Hi, I'm Ronnie. I like you now."

- It's pretty cool, 'cause a lot of people

meet through social media and stuff.

So like, we met at dinner; it's a kind of cute story.

- Yeah.

- Even though he was lap dancing on top of my friend.

all: Oh!

- Hey. I mean, it's something that stuck out.

Maybe she liked the lap dance, you know?

Maybe she was like, "Oh, all right, that's cool.

I see how he moves."

- Did anybody ask you why they call you Saffabear?

- In high school, someone was like,

"Oh, my God," you have the smallest nose ever.

It's like a bear. And I was just like--

they were like, Saffabear. And everyone in school

would call me Saffabear. I don't know why.

- Cool. - Yeah.

- So how long have you guys been together?

- Um, so last February we met.

- When did you move in? - Yeah. How was that?

Did you guys, like, ask--

did you guys talk about moving in or--

- Well, when we, like, started talking again,

it was like we have to, like, take the next step.

- Yeah.

- It can't be get back together and then...

- I'm the only single person at this table.

- Yeah, long-distance I feel like

doesn't really work, so...

- Yeah. - Be tough.

- Yeah. - Yes.

- [laughing]

Look at him. He's just like my kids.

Is he not like the kids?

- Actually, Greyson's more behaved.

- It was a lot, quarantine... - Yeah.

- You know? Her coming back and forth.

- Everyone just talking about living together,

chamomile tea,

and push gifts and pregnancies and this and that.

It just makes me want to talk about the most

ratchet [bleep] in the world.

Like, my brain just goes there to like threesomes, [bleep],

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

[light music]

You name it. That's where my brain goes. Angelina.

- Ew, look at him. - You're so nasty.

- So what are your Love Languages?

- Physical Touch, definitely - Touch.

- We're always like this, like, attached.

- That's how me and Lauren was.

She was Acts of Service and I was Physical Touch, yeah.

- Mine's receiving [bleep].

- [laughs] So stupid.

- There's a reason why there's only one person

single at this table.

[laughter]

- Oh, man. [phone rings]

- Uncle Nino's calling. - Oh.

- Hi, Uncle Nino!

- Vinny! - What do you want?

- Where the [bleep] are you? - I'm in New York.

[laughter] I went home.

- Where the [bleep] is my suitcase?

- I can't hear you. It's bad service in here.

All right, bye. I gotta go.

- Vinny, [bleep]. - So, Angelina,

back to the cream. This is how you do it.

- You're disgusting. - Yo. This is ridiculous.

You guys can't even sit at a table

and have a normal conversation?

- No. No. We can't. - It's insanity.

- You guys act like you ain't never met a bear before!

- I don't know what I expected.

But things are right on schedule.

She's the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island.

- Yeah. She's more like the Rob Kardashian in Staten Island.

- Shut up.

- They're always gonna be crazy, obnoxious,

and annoying, but that's normal for us.

This is good, actually.

- Angelina, look, this is how it's done.

- Stop. - Welcome to the family.

- Is Uncle Nino coming?

- If he's coming, it's gonna be in just in Speedos.

- All right, well, let's go roll out.

- I'm gonna get you, Vin. I'm coming to get you.

Crazy Guido keto mother[bleep].

[line trilling]

- Where the [bleep] is everybody?

I'm looking for my nephew Vinny.

I can't find [bleep] nobody.

I don't know where my [bleep] clothes are.

Get me a [bleep] room.

- Whatever. Where the [bleep] is my suitcase?

- .

- Got you. Got you. .

- All right, buddy. Thanks.

Vinny left me in the [bleep] country [bleep] naked

with no [bleep] clothes.

I got to find a Jacuzzi.

- ♪ Girl I wanna do it ♪

♪ Don't you wanna do it? ♪

♪ When we gonna do it? ♪

♪ Can we do it? ♪

- Somebody lost a bet.

- No. [sighs]

- Throw Jenni in the pool time!

- Oh, my God. It's actually gonna happen.

I'm going to push Jenni in the pool.

- Do you think I can run away right now?

- To, like, Florida? Yeah.

- Her lashes are gonna fall off.

Here makeup's gonna be all over her face.

And her clothes are gonna be sogging wet.

[laughs]

- [bleep].

[upbeat music]

- Ah. Cold outside, sweating ba*ls inside. Nice.

[together] Pool! Pool! Pool! Pool!

- Oh, come on!

[together] Pool! Pool! Pool! Pool! Pool!

- What is this nonsense?

- I'm sweating [bleep] b*ll*ts over here.

- Is that Uncle Nino? - Shut up.

- Yes. - Oh, my God.

- There he is. - What the [bleep]?

- It wouldn't be a Jacuzzi If Uncle Nino

wasn't in it in a Speedo with a glass of wine.

- Oh. Hallelujah!

[all cheering]

- Paradise. I'm in heaven.

- I see your ba*ls.

- I see you found the Speedo that I left for you.

- You took my [bleep] suitcase.

- I thought you would stay in the room.

When I see Uncle Nino in a Speedo,

it's kind of gross, but I gotta give it to him.

I have abs, and I don't even have that much confidence.

- Did you walk here in that

Speedo 'cause you have no other clothes?

- Of course. - Oh, my gosh.

You might as well have just went naked,

because I see your whole ba*ls and your [bleep] [bleep],

your [bleep], your [bleep] hanging out.

Your hairy [bleep]. Yeah.

Listen, the debt needs to be paid, people.

- Pay your debt!

[together] Pay your debt!

Pay your debt!

- Oh, my God. - Pay your debt!

- Oh, my God. [together] Pay your debt!

- Ugh! Just let the b*tch push me.

[together] Pay your debt! Pay your debt!

- Oh, my God! [together] Pay your debt.

- But I don't think she's actually gonna do it.

[together] Push her in! Push her in!

Push her in! Push her in!

- This is something that I've been

dreaming about for years...

- Get that [bleep] finger out of my [bleep] face.

- I'll rip your [bleep].

- Put that [bleep] finger in my [bleep] face.

- I mean, years and years and years.

I'm gonna be here forever.

- You want to get your [bleep] a*s beat,

you can stay and get your [bleep] a*s beat.

- All right. - years to be exact.

- You won't make it a week in this house,

because you're not a part of the family.

- You're being an a*s to him.

- I'm gonna [bleep] checkmate you real quick.

[together] Push her in! Push her in!

- Oh, girl, I'm gonna [bleep] you up.

- Jenni. Jenni, Jenni!

[together] Push her in! Push her in! Push her in!

- You are the dump to our island.

[audience jeering]

You are the dump to our island.

You are dump...

[all cheering]

- Holy cow.

- Whoo! - Good job, Jenni.

Good job, Jen. - Whoa!

- It feels like I just won the lottery.

Seeing her come out of the pool all sogging wet,

I feel like sweet revenge has been paid to me.

- That wasn't that bad.

- You did pay your debt.

It's cold.

- And now excuse me, Uncle Nino's

offering me a glass of wine.

And I am not gonna turn it down.

- Halle-[bleep]-lujah, Farley. I love you.

- years! - I love you.

Halle-[bleep]-lujah.

- ♪ Sometimes people, people will get you down ♪

♪ But get back up ♪

♪ It's not the end of the world ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Although it may feel like that sometimes ♪

- Jenni! - Jenni!

- There you go, Jenni. Like a champ. See that?

- You really made a splash today. I'm proud of you.

- I'll see you guys at dinner. - See ya.

- Yeah. - Yeah, we'll see you.

- JWOWW pays her debts.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm surprised Jenni did it.

She'd have found a way out of it [inaudible].

- I thought you were gonna go, "Ahh?"

- I thought that she was gonna pull me in with her.

- All that built-up aggression. Yeah.

- That's why I didn't do it like that.

- Aren't you guys getting a haircut today?

- I thought so. - Chris, can we get a cut?

- All these vacations that we've been on,

I've given out a lot of haircuts.

The clip's actually getting stuck in your gel.

- Yeah. - "Can I get a haircut?

When can we get cuts? Chris, cuts later?"

Figured since you had some downtime, you can line us up.

They don't even need haircuts. They get haircuts

every two days.

- Ahh!

- Appreciate you for doing this, Chris.

- I cut their hair--I don't even think I cut any hair

on Mike's head. I was just fakin' it.

- Damn, that was quick. Good job.

- Done, retired. Lose my number.

So I was able to call James the barber from Freehold.

He's gonna come. - That's what's up.

- Thanks, man. You're a good barber.

You called another barber for us. You do it all.

- Vinny will pay him. And then, yeah, we'll get cut.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Barber's here. - What's up, bro?

- Barber's here. - Hey.

- Damn, Chris feels jealous already.

- The setup's real official.

- Damn, he has a surge protector.

Chris didn't have a surge protector.

- We're getting cut at risk.

- Got a ring light. Look at that [bleep].

- Yo, he got the gold-plated clipper.

- Wow. - Oh, wow. Look at that.

- I'm gonna wear that on my chain.

- I really didn't get to meet Saffire.

And I felt kind of bad.

So I'm gonna see if the girls want to go get drinks.

Maybe a little app. So tonight is Mom's night off

because Zack's mom is keeping the kids overnight.

Can I just bring the bottle of tequila or is that trash?

I really want to get to know Saffabear.

And I also think it's easier to read someone better

when their significant other isn't around, because,

well, everybody knows you try and be on your best behavior

when your significant other is around.

- I love you. - I love you.

- Oh, he's looking all good for his girlfriend.

- Aw!

- Aw! - He's in love!

- They grow up so fast.

- [laughs]

- Does she like us?

- I know what my Love Language is, receiving oral sex.

- You're not supposed to put perfume on your vag*na.

- I don't want...

- He stopped him from putting his sausage in her mouth.

- Yeah, she likes you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, she's cool. - She came in perfect.

- Yeah.

- Not too hot. You know what I mean?

- Yeah, exactly. Yeah. - Not too hot, not too cold.

- Not too shy. Like, it was perfect.

- It definitely meant a lot to have my roommates like Saffire.

You know, they're a tough crowd.

But I think they accept her, and she fit right in.

- ♪ Taken Ronnie ♪ - ♪ Taken Ronnie ♪

- [laughs]

- Hello?

- I, like, didn't get to talk to Saffire whatsoever.

- Same. - And I didn't know

if you wanted to get together with all the girls.

- Yeah. - Hi.

- Hi.

- I think we should invite Saffire out

before we go to dinner. - Okay.

- I brought a bottle of tequila with me.

Yes, b*tch. That is the Jersey way.

- Thank you. - Fresh.

- Saffa's gonna love that.

- Yep, Saffa's gonna really love that.

- All right, bro.

- Um, I definitely feel like today

overall went really well.

[knock at door]

- Who's that? - Hello.

- We're gonna go get Saffire. - I'm getting my jacket.

And we're gonna kidnap Saffabear.

- Definitely went better than any other time

I've had a girl in the house.

- Hello? - Oh, my God.

- That's for damn sure. [laughs]

- Hello?

- Hello! - Um, hello!

- Um, we're kidnapping you. - We are kidnapping you.

- This is good, actually. - Where?

- Iron down. let's go, b*tch. - Oh, my God.

- I'm, like, where are we going?

- It's officially a Bearcation.

- Yes. - Bearcation!

- Whoo!

- We have Saffabear for girls' night.

- In the house. - Should I be scared?

[together] No!

- We're gonna hang out with kids today.

- Uncle BDS is in the building.

I'm going to teach the kids how to ice skate.

Watch and learn.

- Big Daddy Sitch is out--

- [bleep]. - Honey!

- We're about to have the final presentation.

- Oh, my God.

- It is finally time to show Angelina the FBI board.

Everyone has gotten so close on this vacation.

- So you want to ruin it.