02x05 - Defining Relationships

[bunniefuu]

- Well, look who it is.
- Oh, hi.

- I made coffee.
- Oh, God bless you.

So, uh...

I was watching you
sleep last night.

Not on no creep sh*t, but...

- Oh, God, did I do something weird?
- No, no, no.

I just think you're
really pretty

- when you sleep.
- Shut up.

Hey.

Don't speak to me like
that in my own home.

You're right. I'm
sorry. It was very rude.

- You are pretty rude.
- I apologize.

I have a surprise for you.

- Uh-oh.
- But you can't be weird about it,

- and you have to close your eyes.
- I'll do my best.

Let's go. Come on.

- Oh, God. Okay.
- Mm.

- Should I be scared?
- Maybe.

- Check it out... now.

- It's a tent.
- It is a tent.

And it's, like, one of
the top-of-the-line ones

that has, like, this whole

netting for bugs, and
then on top of it,

it has, like, this
ventilation system

that they were really
pushing on me at the store.

- Seems really nice.
- Yeah. So, you down?

- For what?
- To go camping.

Oh, really?

Let's just go this weekend,

and we can sleep
underneath the stars

and wake up with the sun,

- and then we can cuddle...

because we're afraid of bears.

It'll be a lot of fun. Please?

Mmkay.

I mean, yeah, that
sounds kind of awesome.

Okay, that was a lot easier

- than I thought it was gonna be.

I thought you were gonna be
quite difficult about this.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sort of
surprised, myself, but...

Should we practice being,
uh, scared of bears?

- I would love that.
- Yeah.

- You know what I mean, right?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Oh. It's kind of nice. Yeah.
- I told you.

Oh!

I'll download a video,

so we don't have this
happen when we're camping.

I think that's a good idea.

Let's keep talking
about the camping thing

'cause I'm genuinely
excited about that.

Aw, that's really cute.
Honestly, you guys are just

gonna stare at the stars

and try not to poop in
front of each other.

You have no idea how
well I can hold it.

No, you're gonna
have a great time.

Joel and I used to go
camping every year.

I'll take you to
the camping store.

Ooh, there's one in,
uh, Rivertown Mall.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, can we get...

Orange Julius?
- Obviously. And some pretzels.

Mm, I love you.

All right, great.
Let's go shopping

and get you some cute clothes.

No, no, I don't
want cute clothes.

I want a headlamp that opens,

and it's, like, a knife
that can k*ll a bear,

and then it also happens
to be a coffee mug.

That's hot.

Oh.

- Whoa.
- Oops, sorry.

- - You-you got
to watch it with the door.

It's always stuck, so
you got to body slam it,

and then it flies open fast,

and I'm always worried
I'm gonna k*ll someone.

- No, no. It's good.
- Okay.

Um, are you lost?

I am not lost.

Okay. Sorry. Um...

- Well, I'm Jim, by the way.
- Okay.

- I'm Carol.
- Carol.

- Uh-huh. Hi.
- Hi, Carol.

Are you here for the Friends and
Family of Alcoholics meeting?

Because, usually, we
use the main entrance,

- which is over there.
- No.

- No? No.

You-you might be here
for the Anytime Fitness

or the strip club, which
are both next door,

but you're not
dressed for the gym,

and the club doesn't
open until 5:00, I think.

That's, uh, very
funny. No, I'm, um...

I'm returning something...

that's in my car.

I'm returning a book. A
book that's in my car.

- You're returning a book?
- Mm-hmm. Correct.

Totally get that.

All right. Have a great day.

Good luck. I hope you find

whatever it is
you're looking for.

- What do you mean?
- I mean...

I guess I mean the bookstore.

That's what you're looking
for, and you'll find it.

You know where it is.

Right.

: For God's sake.

I cannot believe there
is no Orange Julius.

Is it even a mall
with no Orange Julius?

And the indignity of them
making it a Warby Parker.

I know. I'm really offended.

Okay, so, where is
the survivalist sh*t?

'Cause that's what I want.
Like, the real stuff.

Okay, you're going for two days.

Well, yeah, but I want
to be prepared, you know?

And, honestly, you
should be, too.

I think we all know there
is an apocalypse coming.

Mm-hmm. Oh, I know
what you need.

Uh, Joel had this sleeping
bag. I mean, it's super tall,

but I'm pretty sure they make
it for regular people, too.

- Yes, okay, great.
- Um, God, I'm blanking on the name,

but I think I have
it on my phone.

Okay, cool.

Aw, your
camping phase. So cute.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- I think the sleeping bags

- are over in the camping section.
- Oh.

The-the whole store is a
camping section, though.

- Right? Okay.
- No, it's-it's not.

- It all looks the same to me.
- That's really cute.

Ooh, I think I see them.
Follow me. That is hiking talk.

Okay, MacGyver.

Thanks
you for that, Nina.

Does anyone want to share?

Bruce.

- Hi.

So, um, my boss likes
to talk, and, lately,

our work gym's been overcrowded,

so the only open squat
rack's beside him,

and I take it

because I can't skip leg day,

- but he talks so much.

I can't get
a good sweat on,

and then my form,

it-it's totally compromised.

- Oh, my God.
I'm just...

I'm worried I'm-I'm never
gonna achieve my personal best.

If Bruce doesn't k*ll it on
leg day, he's gonna drink.

Okay, Mayor of Judgetown.

Hey, I'm sorry, just feels
like Bruce's sobriety's

a little fragile,
don't you think?

- James, sit down.
- No cross-talk.

I'm sorry, like...
your whole share

is worried about getting
swole at the gym, I guess?

No cross-talking.

Okay, yeah, enough with the
cross-talk. I'll just go.

All right? I'll
just talk right now.

Hey, my name is James,

and I have zero days.

Zero.

Hey, James.

- Hmm?
- Look,

if you have a real
need to share,

you can share with
me after the meeting.

You can jump all
over me if you want,

but how is Bruce's work gym woes

helping anybody?

How is being drunk helping you?

Nobody in there understands
what I'm going through.

I know you're having trouble
with the program, but just

keep coming back, okay?

And next time, don't disrespect

the people who are
doing the work.

Okay, yeah. You
should go back inside.

Thank you.

Ladies, I'm gonna need
you to come with me.

Why?

I believe someone
may have acquired

some merchandise without paying.

- Respectfully.

Uh, okay, well, it wasn't me,

'cause I paid for
all this stuff.

I don't even know
what half of it is,

but I paid for it. I have a
receipt in here somewhere.

You can ask that lady
that I checked out with

or something. I don't know.

Just head to the back, please.

: Mm, just head
to the back, please.

Baby, what are you doing here?

- It's the middle of the day.
- I miss you.

And you want me to
do your laundry.

Yeah, I want you to do my
laundry, but I also miss you.

Okay, okay.
It's just that I haven't

seen you in a while,

and, you know, it's Wednesday.

I thought you'd be at work.

Oh, um... this is a
bit of our slow time.

You know, we just
finished a big job,

and, you know, we're
waiting on meetings

and waiting for
somebody to bite,

but excuse me for wanting
to visit my favorite person.

Favorite?

Well, then come on
in, Black Santa.

Don't you mean "Real Santa"?

- Ah, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Carol?

You mind?

Please.

Ugh, burnt.

I hate it when
Brian makes the pot.

You're a regular here.

Our meetings are right
across the street.

Incidentally, not
close to a bookstore.

- And you're enjoying this.
- Maybe a little bit.

Look, I didn't like going
to these meetings either.

She's in recovery now,
but before she was...

...my sister
was really bad.

She was such a b*tch.

She still is.

It's actually kind of
worse now that she's sober.

Okay.

But at least now we only
fight about libertarianism.

What I'm saying is, the
meetings helped our family,

and I'm sure it's a little
bit trite from the outside,

- but...
- A little.

But they help.

I'm glad they work for you.

I don't think they're
gonna work for me.

Programs are not my thing.

Okay. Are they a thing
for anyone in your family?

Unfortunately, yes.

Let me guess, your sister.

- Your husband.
- My daughter...

goes to meetings.

You're too young
to have a daughter.

- Ha.
- Look,

there's no pressure
to participate.

You just have to listen.

Like auditing a class.

Exactly.
We have this saying,

"You should go to six meetings.

If you still don't like
it, come to six more."

See, that is outright theft,

Jim, of a Buddhist saying.

"If you don't have time to
meditate for an hour every day,

you meditate for two
hours."

This is the issue.

Not giving Buddhists the
credit that they're due?

The sayings. The sayings

and the rules and the
this and that and... Mm.

I get it.

All right, hear me out.

What if we take all
those corny slogans

and sayings, and we
arm you with them,

and turn them back
against your daughter.

- I mean, how much would that piss her off?

- Okay. Okay.

That is... that is
a fresh take, Jim.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Why should she be the
only one with these banal

little quips that mean

nothing and excuse

absolutely everything?

Yeah. Stick with me. I
mean, I've got, like,

a hundred more ways to go
after these sober know-it-alls.

It's... it's one of my passions.

- Go on.
- Mm.

Seriously? Do you want
to just look in my bag?

There's nothing in here,

except my wallet, my phone,

and a ChapStick that
doesn't have a cap.

You're cool.

- I know you paid.
- Wh...

Is there anything you'd
like to return to the store?

You're accusing her of stealing?

Look, I know what this is,

and a lot of people are
gonna hear about it, okay?

Because I happen to write

for a little something
called Hit Pause.

What's Hit Pause?

It's...

hard to explain.

It's a magazine, uh,

it's an online source of

lists and such.

I've never seen it.

Well, you know...
It's...

It's a, it's a pretty big
deal, actually. I mean,

I don't think that it's
really on newsstands

anymore, but when
was the last time

you even saw a newsstand, right?

- Can't remember.
- Yeah.

- But I'll look out for it.
- Great.

I mean... well,
you should, because

pretty soon there's gonna be
a piece in there about how you

profiled a Harvard-educated

- doctor who...
- Sam, stop.

Okay.

I'm willing to let
you go this time,

but this cannot happen again.

- One time only.
Wonderful.

Looking forward to reading
that article, though.

You want to stop and
get something to eat?

Oh, no, I'm not hungry.

- Don't you have to pack and meet Alex?
- Yeah.

You want to talk about
what just happened?

No, not right now.

You're talking to someone,
though, right? Like a therapist?

Uh, yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah.

If I had a therapist,
I would.

I'd be like, "Hey,
Linda, guess what?"

But then what, you know?

Linda would die. God,

she would so hate me.

Who wants to work
with somebody who's

stealing shovels, you know?

I mean, I mean...

She would laugh at me. She
would probably tell her twins.

Just... I can't have

that family thinking
that I'm a thief.

I mean, they're
already going through

so much with the separation

and all the anxiety

- and everything...
- You know therapy's not about

whether or not they like you.

I don't have a therapist.

- Oh.
- What are you talking about?

Sorry, you got really deep
into it. I got confused.

I know, but I just said "if."

- Uh-huh. Got it.
- Hypothetical.

Look, you know, I-I know

I haven't been acting
like me lately.

Obviously, I have some stuff

I need to work through.

I just don't do it
with other people.

I mean, ask Joel. That's why
our marriage didn't work out.

I-If you want to talk about
what happened with Joel...

Just go have
fun on your trip with Alex.

I thought
I taught you

how to fold clothes
better than that.

- You want me to...
- No, no, I got it under control.

You can silently
judge me as I fold.

You always got to do
things the James way.

That's the only way
I know how, so...

This won't happen again.

I'm gonna call the super, and
then I'll be out of your hair.

I don't mind you in my hair.

I just want to make
sure you're okay

because something is off here.

I'm good.

You only hurt me

when you don't tell me things.

Okay, um...

So I've been having some issues,

a little bit.

I quit my job to
focus on the app,

and now my funding is
kind of running out.

Baby, I'm sorry.

I just never thought I'd
find myself back here.

So... I've kind of just been

waiting for somebody to
bite, but, meanwhile,

got no job,

no laundry machine,

no girlfriend, nobody.

What happened with
your little friend?

Yeah, Sam and I
aren't really talking.

She doesn't think I'm
in the best place.

When was the last time
you went to church?

Did you hear what I just said?

I don't think I need
Jesus right now.

Look...

if you gonna come up in here

and use my Tide Pods
for free-ninety-nine,

you can at least join
me for Revival, right?

Revival? Are you ser...
That's like super church.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, ma'am.

Just...

O-Okay. All right.

So, just make me
understand this.

Is-is-is it the woods
that's the problem?

Like, we could just
go stay at a hotel.

- We don't have to do...
- No, no, it's not, it's not that.

So, are we just moving too
fast and I made you commit

to something you didn't want,

and now you're just
trying to appease me?

No, I was actually really
excited about this.

Genuinely. I bought, like,
a ton of expensive stuff.

Um, no, it's just,
it's my friend Brit,

she's kind of going
through a weird time,

I think, and I just

feel like she shouldn't
be alone. I'm sorry.

Is that okay?

Yeah, it's okay.
Like, I'm a big boy.

I can stay at home
without my girlfriend.

Uh...

Sorry, did you just,

um, call me your girlfriend?

- Yeah, I did do that. I did.
- Yeah.

And, um...

and also yourself a-a big boy?

We don't have to
talk about that part.

- No, we don't have to talk about that.
- No.

I like the girlfriend
part, though.

Good. I like it, too.

I'm sorry.

Forgiven.

: Okay, Mom.

That's it?

Yeah, unless God
takes Zelle now.

What you doing?

Here. The church needs
a new water heater.

Why do we have to pretend like
you didn't just give this to me?

Because I will miss
you if you go to Hell.

Okay, Mom.

This place still smells
like old mothballs.

- James, we're in church.

First space I'm
tackling is the family room.

It doesn't have the best layout.

If you want to have
this grand room,

you need to break
down some walls

and let natural light in.

The amount of changes this
family room has gone through...

- Hi.
- What are we watching?

No, aren't you supposed
to be off with Alex?

Oh, well, yeah,

but then I had a
much better idea.

So, my concrete

overhaul on the fireplace,
the sustainable...

You brought me Orange Julius?

It's not that big of a deal.

It's only, what,
like, 30 miles north.

Thank you.

We don't have to talk.
I'll just be here.

Hey, remember when we
used to dip it in...

Mm, shh. No talking.

Yeah.

- Carol.
- Jim.

Hi.

Something I said
must've stuck with you.

I think you're here
for the meeting,

but you missed it, um,

which I think you know.

I'm gonna make it into
one of these meetings

- one of these days.
- I'll tell you what.

I'll be here tomorrow morning,

and if you are,

I'll get you through that door.

Hmm.

- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow.

- Through that door?
- Not the side door.

It's got to be here.

- Okay, Jim.
- Yeah?

- Why not?
- Why not?

Yes, Jim, okay, tomorrow.

All right, Carol.