02x03 - Normie

[bunniefuu]

Thanks for hanging out, man.

I've been going a
little stir-crazy.

It's not all bad,
though, actually,

'cause I've been getting pretty
into artisanal wallpaper.

It's a really cool community.

Finally.

You know, as cool as your
bachelor life sounds,

I do think you
should get out more.

Maybe meet someone.

I don't know. I mean,
I'm not even divorced.

Doesn't have to be
anything serious.

I like serious, though.

You know, I'm much more
of a relationship guy

than I am a sex guy.

Ah. There's a little
sex guy in all of us.

Well, now I'm imagining
a little sex guy

inside of me, which
I do not love.

What if you and me, we go out,

have a boys' night. If
you meet a lady, dope.

If not, no worries.
Super low-key.

Um, yeah, that sounds
good. I'll... I'll try.

- Gonna play?
- Oh, yeah, sorry.

Hey.

What is that, 21-1?

Yeah, it's 21-1.

Sam. Come in.

- Have a seat.
Okay.

Uh, wanted to talk
to you about the...

about the hot goss.

- The what?
- Like, I'm new here,

so I'm, like,
getting up to speed.

So, who's weird?

Who's cool?

Who do we avoid, right?
Like, who's the worst?

I really don't want
to do this, okay?

I-I mean, I used to do stuff
like this all the time,

but now I just want to work.

- So...
- Come on, I got no one

to talk to about this stuff.

What about Aaron
in sales? Like...

- Come on.
- He's not annoying?

Come on, you can't
tell me he's not.

But he's cute; he,
like, dresses well,

so he's got that going for him.

You can't say that.
You're his boss.

Can I say handsome?
What about swank?

- No.
- Foxy.

- What?
- Looking foxy.

- Ugh, don't say "foxy."
- What's wrong with that?

Oh, come on, man. What
is guys' obsession

with complimenting
the way people look?

Like, what do you think is
gonna happen if you don't?

Actually, you know what?
This is a hot take.

- It is?
- Yes, this is like,

is this the end of
compliments in the workplace?

That's really good, Sam,

- I want you to write that up.
- Okay.

We'll call it
"Sam's Hot Takes."

Cool, yeah, I-I would love that.

You could just do
a regular thing.

What if we call it this:

"Sober Sam's Hot Takes"?

It's your perspective,
it's your angle.

Right. Yeah, no, let me,
uh, let me think about that.

- Sleep on it, sleep on it.
- Okay, yeah.

Ooh! "Sober Sam Sleeps On It."

Yeah, okay.

Picture your, like, bio, and
it's, like, a drawing of you,

and you're, like,
chewing on your pen,

and you're drooling
'cause you're sleeping,

and then the drool becomes
the pen ink, right?

Oh.

Are you sure you don't
want to hang out with us?

We have big plans.

We're gonna watch TV
and eat frozen waffles.

He is eating the waffles.

I'm so glad you're dating again.

Me, too.

Especially Alex.

'Cause he's a normie, you know?

Like, a person who doesn't
have to attend meetings

every single day to
live a normal life.

Well, you don't have
to go to meetings

every single day, Samantha.

Yes. Unfortunately, I do.

And so do most of the people
that I've dated recently.

Which is why he is so exciting.

Like, I know what my sh*t is,
you know, but what's his sh*t?

What is his sh*t?

I don't know. It's
probably not that bad.

Well, you can never really
know a person, though, can you?

You know, your
mom's not wrong.

It wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world

if you carried a little
pepper spray with you.

You know, when I
was in Ecuador...

This had to be like
15, 20 years ago...

- Bob?
- Real quick.

I was big in the
anarcho-environmentalist scene.

What I didn't realize,
though, was that the cartels

were targeting the oil
company protestors.

So, when we fly down there,

and I'm with, I'm with
Squirrel and Jerry...

Okay, what's happening?

'Cause my Uber's almost
here, so I need to...

- He is driving me crazy.
- Mm-hmm.

He recorded Guy's
Grocery Games on my DVR.

- So what?
- So...

he deleted my Swedish mystery.

Now, I don't know
how Jordskott ends.

I cannot escape him.
He's always here

- playing his stupid guitar.
- Okay.

And why is his
shirt in my closet?

He has a perfectly good
wardrobe down in the garage.

Okay, Mom, if he's
bothering you this much,

- maybe you should take a break.
- What do you mean?

I mean, if it's not working
with Bob, then end it.

Why would you say that? Do
you not want me to be happy?

Yes, I want you to be happy.

I'm saying, if
you're not... You...

I'm trying to be supportive.

Oh, well, there's supportive,
and there's undermining.

And I need space.

- I get it.

Hey, what are you
guys up to in there?

:
Somebody k*ll me.

Okay.
- Why don't you k*ll me?

: Bob,
she needs space.

Oh, sp...

All right, that was the
context clue I was missing.

Um, well, I'm gonna go
to the grocery store

and get some fixings for
Guy's double-fried taquitos.

And I'm gonna go now.

Gah, get out!

- He's already gone.

Okay, look, I'm...
I'm not gonna say

that I'm glad you
were fired, but...

Yeah, I'm not gonna say I'm
glad I got fired, either.

That was really bad. But
this is a silver lining.

I'm just really happy you said
you'd go on a date with me.

Come on, did you
think I wouldn't?

I didn't want you to think I
was just gassing you up at work

because I was into you,
because that's not the truth.

I think you're a really
incredible writer.

You could have told me

that you were just
doing all of that

'cause you thought I was hot.

I think I might have
actually preferred it.

You are hot, that's fact.

But... you are also
a very gifted writer.

- Okay, stop.
- You are.

Why-why can't you
take a compliment?

Sorry, you're
right. I'm sorry.

Thank you for the compliment,
I really enjoyed it.

All right, that was worse
than the first time.

- I hated that even more.

I used to be just like you.

I grew up poor in Queens

and I never thought I should
be invited to the party.

But truly, there
is no invitation.

No one invited me
to go to college.

I was the first in
my family to do it.

I studied so hard, I didn't
get laid for four years.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- That's impressive.
- Thank you.

Did you see what I did there?

- Yes, you sincerely took the compliment.
- You complimented me.

I took it, and
it... You felt good.

- It was nice, yeah.

- Sir. Madam.
- Yes.

Here's your Biondi Santi
Brunello Di Montalcino.

It's bold, dry
with a brightness,

tampered by notes of
raisin, clove, and plum.

- Um...

Sorry, none for me, thank
you, I'm on antibiotics.

Oh, I didn't know you were si...

We didn't have to go
out if you're sick.

- I'm not. I'm not.
Oh.

It's just day six.

Day six of the course.

You know, trying to be
a more responsible adult

and finish the whole
thing for once in my life,

you know what I mean? It's
like, you get the thing,

and then you take it for two
days, and then you feel better,

and then they just sit
in your drawer forever.

And so, I'm just trying
this new thing where I...

But you should have the wine.

I'll take some
wine. Yeah, I'm healthy.

I will have hers
and mine.

- Perfect.

Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

So, um, what
do you like to do?

Oh, I like to lay in
bed a lot and watch TV,

and sometimes eat in bed

if it's not, like, a
red sauce or anything.

That's so funny.

Actually, I've been
eating in bed a lot, too.

Mainly cereal, but
I'm also eating cereal

for most meals, so it's a lot.

My friends are like,
"You're so depressed."

And I'm like, what if
I just enjoy the things

that happen to be
symptoms of depression?

Yeah, no, I totally get that.

Though, to be fair, I have
been pretty depressed.

Does it count as depression
if we do it together?

I'm not sure.

Let's find out?

O-Okay, yeah. Great,
that sounds great.

Great. I'm gonna
go get my stuff.

Cool.

We're gonna go.

Oh. Okay.

So, uh, we're about
to get out of here

and get some cereal.

What... what does that mean?

- Oh, like, is it a sex metaphor or something?
- Yeah.

No, no, we're literally
just gonna get cereal.

That's weird.

: But I
love that for you.

I think I'm gonna stick
around and get another one.

Another? Is that,
is that, like, okay?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm just
practicing moderation.

Doesn't really
work for everybody,

but the other way didn't
really work for me.

So, cut myself off at two
beers, no hard liquor.

- Be fine.
- Okay, cool.

- You ready to go?
- Yeah.

Uh, hey, you want to
stay for one more?

Actually, I gotta go.

I-I have a really
early Pilates class.

Of course, yeah.
Get home safe.

Okay.

Hey, buddy, you
ready for the check?

Can I get another beer?

Yeah, you got it.

And, uh... could you
add a shot to that?

Yeah.

I usually hate
doggie bags, right?

Like, they're so stupid.

But this one has wine in it,
so it's, like, so much cooler.

Is everything all right?

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

No, sorry, I was
just, uh, thinking.

Like, good thoughts, or
"this date sucked" thoughts?

No, I was thinking
good thoughts.

Let me give you a ride home.

Actually, Alex, um,
just real quick,

I wanted to tell you that, um...

My friend got dumped tonight.

Oh. I'm sorry,
that's terrible.

Yeah, she's actually
really upset,

and, like, she
lives pretty close,

so I just feel like I
should go check in on her

and make sure she's
okay, you know.

Yeah, do whatever
you have to do.

This was really
great, though, so...

- Yes, it was.
- Okay.

- Thanks for dinner.
- Have a good night.

- Get home safe.
- Okay. Yeah, you, too.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right, so they
didn't have cilantro,

so I got parsley, 'cause
it's, like, the same thing.

What is all this?

I am redoing the photos.

Oh, and here's one of
my favorite students

who said I was like
a mother to him.

So, that's a keeper.

Uh...

who are... who are these people?

David's third cousins.

Third cousins, okay. Carol?

She has crossed a line, Bob.

I-Is that from her
recovery program?

She has written down everything
she hates about everyone.

It's 75 pages long,

and 50 of those
pages are about me.

Fif... Wow.

50 pages, Bob.

Okay, Carol, you need to,

you know, put that back
where you found it.

And she wrote about you, too.

Great. Okay, Carol, please.

Nothing positive can come
from you reading that.

She wrote about you
in great detail, Bob.

My love, I can't stress
this any further.

You need to let this go.
Do not engage in this...

I'm not engaging with
either one of you.

I'm engaging with
this, and this.

And good night.

Great. Okay.

So, you told
him you don't drink

- because you're on antibiotics.
- Yes.

But I didn't mean to do that.

It just sort of fell
out of my mouth.

You know, that's
actually pretty clever.

What? No, it's not,
it's embarrassing.

Now, I would have to, like,

make it a whole thing
and tell him the truth.

I mean, is it even worth that
awkward of a conversation?

I mean, yeah, if
you care about him,

you should tell him what's up.

Are you sure?

What would I even say?

"Hey, Alex, thanks so much
for that wonderful date.

"I'm an alcoholic, but I
lied to you about that,

"because I'm an alcoholic.
And then I lied to you

about my friend being dumped,
'cause I'm an alcoholic."

I think lying is
for all the people.

It's sort of our thing, though.

There's even a term
for it in the program.

- It's called "old behavior."
- Oh, my God, Sam, stop, okay?

You don't own lying on a date.

I've been lied to
by plenty of dudes.

You alcoholics just
think you're all special.

- We are special.
- Okay, look.

Everybody makes mistakes.

You just gotta own up
to 'em so you can sleep

like you just took a Benadryl.

Yeah.

I still don't want to tell him.

Oh, my God, of course you don't.

Who wants to do anything?

There she is.

Do you actually need
something this time?

'Cause I'm sort of busy
working on that column.

Man, I gotta tell
you, it is a shame

I can't compliment
that cute coat.

- Love it.

Okay, what do you
need, Nathaniel?

Just want to sh**t the breeze.

- Okay.
- All right.

Little jam sesh.

Nathaniel, listen.

I am not the person for you to
sh**t the breeze with, okay?

I'm your employee, and I'm
trying to do good work.

If you need to talk to somebody,
that's totally understandable.

But just call your wife.

You were always going on about

how much you loved
Karen at Bzzzzzzzzzz,

and how great your
communication was.

So, communicate with her.

Just don't do it
with me, please.

A-And please stop
calling me in here

unless it's about
an assignment, okay?

Uh, Kar... Karen left me.

- What?
- Uh, yeah, she's, uh...

she's-she's currently being
reamed by a New York Yankee.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

That's awful, and
I'm... I'm really sorry.

But I'm still not the person

you should be talking
to about this, okay?

Uh, I would say you
are the exact person

that I should be
talking to about this.

I don't know anyone else whose
life got screwed up so bad

and then came out of it
okay and is thriving.

- You're the perfect person to talk to.
- Okay.

Fine.

Is he an important Yankee?

Uh, it's Nestor Cortes.

- Whew.
- Yeah.

And you know, I just
thought taking this job,

coming to Boston, I could have

just, like, a fresh start.

But, God, I hate it here.

I just hate Boston.

I hate "chowdah."

It's warm fish juice.
It's a con, it's bullshit.

But you know what,
none of that matters,

because my wife left
me for a Yankee.

Sorry.

Hi.

Are you feeling better about
that whole diary meshugas?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Mm, see?

Get some food in your
belly, a little time,

gives you perspective, and
you can go on with your life

and just let go of all that
stuff that you read, oof.

: I'm not
gonna do that, Bob.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um, I didn't know you
were gonna come by.

I would have wore hard pants.

- Oh.
- You know. Please, come in.

Thanks.

Wow.

Really don't have,
uh, much stuff, huh?

Yeah, it's kinda weird, right?

Do you, like, m*rder people?

No, my parents
moved around a lot,

so I learned not to
get attached to things.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

Where do you keep your
change, or your keys?

I can't tell you that
until we get closer.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- Right.
- Come on, come sit down.

Oh, yeah.

- You all right?
- I'm gonna stand.

Okay. Should I stand?

- No, you can sit.
- Okay.

Um, so I just, uh, came
here to tell you something,

and I'm just gonna tell you.

I lied to you.

I am not on antibiotics,

I'm actually a
recovering alcoholic.

That's why I don't drink.

I don't know why I didn't
just tell you that.

I should have.
It's not something

that I'm, like,
ashamed of or anything.

I mean, I used to be,

but I don't think
that I am anymore.

Also, my friend
didn't get dumped.

I don't know why I
said that either.

But... I'm sorry that I lied,

and I'm sorry I'm so much.

I really wish that I wasn't.

I really like you,

and I've really liked
getting to know you.

And so, I hope that you
have a very nice life.

And, uh, goodbye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

I... I don't give a
sh*t about any of that.

Well, I care that
you got healthy

and you stopped drinking, but...

I like you, and I don't
think you're too much.

And we can still
smoke weed, right?

No, I... I don't do
that either, actually.

That's a bit of a bummer, but
we'll get past that, right?

Can you sit down?

Okay.

You all right?

So, you just want to, like,
keep seeing each other?

Yeah.

You're the weirdest
person I've ever met.

Thank you.

Good job taking a compliment.

You taught me well.

Yes!

- That was dope!

I can't do it. I can't.

I can't do it.

- You can.
- Oh, damn it.

This is how you're
gonna move on.

I want to wipe my a*s with this.

I know.

I want to just grab it,

I want to go back to
front, and then piss on it.

I know.

You have to put it on.

: Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

That just feels wrong.

You look... foxy.

I know you're lying.

I am.

- But thank you.
- You're welcome.