02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Good evening. The producers
of Spitting Image have invited me

to clarify some recent statements
made by the Met Police.

Now, before I get started,
they've asked me to take off my hat

and hold my head right about here.

CRUNCHING
Oh!

Ah! Fair point.
But Cressida d*ck's not resigning.

CRUNCHING
Ooh!

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

SIRENS WAILING

BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

Right. This week is my big speech
to the Tory conference.

I know I can please the crowd
classic Bozza style,

but this year, I really want
to dig into the issues.

Let me run it past you
and get your honest opinion.

Bring it on, boss!
Make love to my ears.

"Hello, Manchester."
Pause for applause.

RAAB LAUGHS GLEEFULLY
Yes!

The centrepiece of our programme
is "levelling up".

Good. Finally, the details of what
"levellin' up" actually means.

Look! I've got big knockers!

Ha-ha!

Oh, if these were real,
I'd never leave the house.

That will definitely play in the
Shires, but what about the economy?

Oh, I've got that.

We shall turbocharge the economy,
no strings attached.

Very good. Excellent.
Oh! Yes.

But exactly how will we...?

SCREAMING: Argh! My eyes!

Strings! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ooh-ooh! Hoo-hee-ha-ha!

Ah, God bless the man
who invented that.

And, of course, we shall
safeguard supplies of British food.

Crivens.
Here comes the pie in the face.

Wrong. Brick!

CRUNCHING
Ooh!

Oh!
Yada-yada-yada...

THUD
..and then I get my c*ck out.

You can't win over
the entire Tory Party

with an hour of prop comedy
and knob gags!

ZIPPING,
CROWD ROARS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

God, politics is easy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

OK, guys, we're here
to talk about our next campaign.

Getting knocked out
of the World Cup?

No, our next campaign
to effect profound social change.

That's why we got into football,
right?

Sound. Also, the hot women
that we totally respect.

ITALIAN ACCENT: We at FIFA
support your progressive values.

Right, who has some ideas?

Apart from Marcus.

Stop human rights abuses?
Great idea!

But maybe we can leave this
until after the Qatar World Cup?

A campaign against junk food
that causes obesity?

Excellent!
We'll definitely consider that

when the sponsorship deals are up
in 2070.

We should stop taking money
from gambling companies.

They're ruining society.

Yeah, that's right, they are.
Yes!

I had a grand on you to say that.

What about air pollution?
Perfect celebrity cause.

Everyone's against it,
and no-one expects us

to have any ideas
about how to solve it.

Yeah, yeah.
That's right, yeah.

Let's hop on the Learjet
and go buy Lamborghinis!

Wahey!
CORKS POPPING

Fantastic!
Great!

Yay!

Mr President, we're never gonna
get anything through Congress

if we can't find
a reasonable Republican.

The infrastructure bill
has collapsed,

budget reconciliation
is irreconcilable,

and g*n control is shot to hell.

Plus I forgot my Netflix login.

A lot of problems.
You know, I need my booster shot.

It's not a vaccine.

It's a blend of holy water
and chocolate syrup.

Yeah! Bless my soul.

I feel like presidentin' all night.

Yowww!

We'll let you work.
Pull the cord if you need us.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
Think, Joe.

Where can I find
a reasonable Republican?

THUD

VOICE: Perhaps one was here
all along!

Who are you?
Mayor Cheeseburger.

I was Donald Trump's
favourite secret advisor.

BIDEN SNORTS
Figures he'd like a talking burger.

Hey! I'm also a mayor -
of Burgertown!

A Republican stronghold!

And this is my colleague
from Idaho -

Reverend French Fries.

Praise the Lord
and pass the ketchup!

Hey, you two are diner folk,
just like me.

That's right!
We're all regular Joes,

not Washington Beltway insiders.

We're ready to compromise
on everything... except flavour.

I bet we can work out a deal.
CRUNCH

Ow! Hey, man,
that's my frontal lobe!

My God! We thought
we could work with you,

but you're just
another liberal brain-eater!

No, no, no, wait!

We'll never make a deal.

Wake up!
THUD

Wake up!
ETHEREAL CHIMES

Wake up! Wake up!

HE GASPS
Whoa. What the heck?

So it was all a dream...

But I learned an important lesson -

no compromise is possible as long as
we keep eating each other's brains.

Uh, maybe no more booster shots
for you.

HE RETCHES,
DRAMATIC STRINGS

Hey, guys. It's Chrissy Teigen.

Ten years ago, I did something bad,
and I need to apologise.

I tweeted something very cruel
to a teenager.

I am so sorry.

But that's not who I am now.

You know, I-I've evolved
into a kind, thoughtful...

PHONE CHIMES

Did someone just thumbs-down me?

Who the HELL do you think you are?!

I hope you fall into a river
and go missing for days

and your husband thinks you're dead
and remarries someone

RIGHT on your empty grave!

And here's what happened
to your skull!

ANGRY SCREAM,
CLATTERING

PIGS SNORTING
Breaks my heart,

but we're gonna have to
cull these pigs.

We've got no choice.

With no truck drivers
to take 'em to t'market,

we have to destroy them.

HE GRUNTS,
PANTS

I'll take your damn pigs to market!

Tom Cruise? But why?

Because I once had a farm
with a little pig called Babe.

He was so special -
he wanted to herd sheep,

but I didn't believe in him.

I let him down.

And if I deliver your pigs,
I can make amends!

Wasn't that the movie Babe?
And you wasn't even in that.

Damn it. I need redemption!!

OK, OK. The truck's over there.

Listen to me.
I lied to those farmers.

I'm going to set you free.

They won't make you
into honey-roast ham,

or... pork sausages
with pepper and nutmeg...

or a delicious bacon sandwich
with vine-ripe tomatoes

and aioli mayonnaise.
TRUCK BEEPS AS PASSING

SIZZLING
Mm! Boy, this pig is delicious!

Wait - I didn't get my redemption!

ANGUISHED: I'm sorry, Babe!

Hey, guys. Chrissy again.

I have to apologise
for my previous apology.

Uh, I told @cutie-kitty92
that she should fall in a river.

I am so sorry.

And I apologise to all the fans
of my cookware line

that was pulled
from Macy's and Target

because of my previous apology.

It's such a bummer,
cos these pans are lightweight,

durable, non-stick...
PHONE CHIMES

Oh! My pan sticks,
says @angeleyes.215?

You know what this pan
would do to your skull?!

ANGRY GRUNTS,
THWACKING

Huh. Right.

I've done knitting -


I've done cupcakes -


and I've pimped my shopping trolley
- 10 million views!

But what next for my YouTube
channel, Inside Tom Daley?

Lance? Lance! I need some help here!

You never wanna make content
with me.

I'm busy with this screenplay
about the life

of a g*y World w*r Two b*mber pilot
who obliterated Dresden

and went on to invent
the Post-it note!

Well, that's really inspiring,
but it's not content!

What? We made content the other day!

That doesn't count.
Your mind wasn't on it.

We used to make content
five times a day!

Tom, content isn't everything.

I want our relationship
to be more than that.

The last time we made content,
it was last thing on a Sunday night,

it only lasted five minutes, and
you struggled to get it uploaded.

Is that all I am to you?
A content provider?

Course not.
I love all the... typing you do.

I'm always polishing your Oscar.

I just think content's more exciting
when it's spontaneous.

We could make content now!
That would be spontaneous!

I can't be spontaneous
just like that!

Ugh. Well, if you're not gonna
make content with me,

maybe I need to find someone
who will.

Don't be like that, honey.

I promise, I'll make content
with you later.

Thanks.

Fancy a shag?
Yeah! Let's spice it up.

I'll put a shirt ON.

And I'll wear that sexy little
number you got me for my birthday.

Mm!
TOM GIGGLES GLEEFULLY

You guys. Wow.

I am so filled with shame
for my behaviour

that I wanna crawl into a hole.

People are saying
I'm just trolling them,

but I swear,
I'm a deeply flawed human,

but I'm not a troll.

PHONE CHIMES
What?

I do not have troll ears.

They've been surgically trimmed
to help hold back my hair.

Mm!

Hello, Chrissy.
It's me, Mark Zuckerberg.

Oh! Let me guess -
you're banning me for hate speech!

No. We at Facebook-Instagram

neither condemn nor condone
anything.

However, you've exceeded
your apology count.

OK, I admit - I'm a troll.
I was always a troll.

I live under a bridge,
and I eat goats,

and the only thing I'm sorry for

is that I didn't start eating goats
sooner!

More goats! BRING ME GOATS!

FEROCIOUS SNARFING

UPBEAT MUSIC

What the f*ck is going on here,
son?

I'm just deciding
my favourite type of rice.

HE VOCALISES

I've got it down to pilau,
long-grain and white.

Do what? I've got the record company
all right up my April.

Show me what you been working on!

It's my masterpiece, Dad.
Great.

Will it have some white-boy rapping
on it?

It's a C-111 form!

It allows planning permission
for a one-storey,

non-residential development
on a Grade II-listed building.

That's not gonna get played
at weddings!

No, but it will stop my neighbour
Tony from blocking my new gazebo.

HE VOCALISES
I'm turning my little village estate

into a gazebo heaven!

You're supposed to be a pop star!
You've lost focus.

No, I'm totally focused.

Look! I've also found
this 17th-century covenant

which will stop my
other neighbour - Mary -

from extending her garden
into my patio!

You're mentally
and musically unstable.

I'm gonna have to Britney Spears you

and get one of
them "conservatorships".

Is that like a conservatory?
I could put my pot plants in it.

No, son! It's where I take charge
of your affairs.

No more late nights
on the planning department website.

No more sneaking out
to measure boundaries.

At least you're still smoking pot,
though.

No, I quit. I just like the plants.

God damn it!
What kind of pop star are you?

Don't you understand, Dad?
No, I don't!

I don't really want approval
from the planning department.

I want it... from you.

And the planning department.
What?

Ever since I saw you put up a prefab
garden shed without instructions,

even though
there were two screws missing,

I've just wanted to be you.

Well, that's very nice of you
to say, son.

But you've got two screws missing,

and I'm still taking charge
of your bank accounts!

I feel gutted.

I feel used. I feel let down.

Great lyrics!

Put some Irish fiddle on it
and whack it on Spotify.

Hello, is that Britney's dad?

It only bloody worked!
HE LAUGHS

# I feel gutted

# I feel used

# I feel let down and abused

# Where's my gazebo

# Of love? #

The Pandora papers have revealed

that your biggest Tory donors
may be mired in corruption.

Do you plan to continue
taking dirty cash from dodgy donors?

Absolutely not.

All our donors
are stringently scrutinised

by an ethics and integrity panel
that is beyond reproach.

MONKEYS SCREECHING

BEEPING REPEATEDLY,
MONKEYS SCREECHING

And this committee doesn't
just rubber-stamp everything?

Sometimes,
they're very hard to convince.

EXCITED SCREECHING

BEEPING REPEATEDLY

I rest my case. Next question.

Cristiano, after the final whistle,
you stormed down the tunnel,

pouting, and shaking your head
like a little baby.

Are you sulking because
you started on the bench? No.

Ronaldo is not sulking

about stupid manager not starting
best player in the world.

So you're not upset?

No. I am mature grown-up.

Now I take ball home
and TELL MY MUM ON YOU!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

ACAPELLA STING

Greta.
Malala.

"Mother Earth"?
Isn't that a bit Earth supremacist?

Yeah, I'm from the Mars Society,

and this kind of micro-aggression
isn't helping my anxiety issues.

HE INHALES WHEEZILY

You're so lucky
you only signed up five people.

Trying to keep track of all my
members is going to be a nightmare.

The point is to get my message out.

That might be easier

if you hadn't put
an extra apostrophe in "students".

I didn't have you down
as a grammar n*zi.

Did you hear that, everyone?
Greta just called me a n*zi.

EXCLAMATIONS
No! I didn't!

She called me, Malala,

the girl who was shot
by the Taliban, a n*zi!

That is not true!

A-And do you know who is in my club?

Harry Styles!
Pfft!

I don't believe you.
You're not cool enough.

Not like me and Fintan.

It IS true!
I don't care how cool Fintan is.

HE INHALES

HE BELCHES

BORIS BABBLING
Boris, dear...

you know what this flat needs?

Wallpaper. Very expensive wallpaper.

But, Carrie, my darling,
I am somewhat strapped for cash.

THUNDERCLAP

Chunky goblin,
do not dare to question my will.

You will do my bidding,

for I am Terror
and you are my plaything.

Yes, dear.
Say the words.

Say them!

By the power of sexual intercourse
with someone 20 years my junior,

I will do thy bidding!

Good boy.

Go get the wallpaper.
Yes, dear.

BABY CRIES,
THUNDERCLAP

No more breast-feeding!

It stretches the boobs.

Honestly,
it's such a mind-blowing honour

to be the youngest artist
to ever headline Glastonbury.

Why am I not picked
to play at festival?

Ronaldo should be
first name on list!

I am taking guitar 'ome!
Goodbye, assholes!

There. I've tightened up
the loose nut on your stand.

Health and safety
could have done you for that.

Thought that was all gonna change
when we left the EU,

but there we are.
Oh, Lee, I lied to Malala

and said Harry Styles
has joined my club.

That's what she does to you!
Now I'm going to look like a fool.

Oh, this looks cool!
Harry!

You find it interesting?

Abso-fabulously!

Do you want to be part of it?
Tota-rotally.

Malala, come and see!
Harry Styles is in my club.

Really?

No, I was talking about
these fab tools. They're so manly.

I'd love to be part of THIS.
Oh, Greta...

Come on, Harry.
Let's go to my party.

Actually, I'd rather go to the pub
with Lee and talk about tools.

What?!

Come on, Lee. I'm buying.
Bring your wrenchy thing.

Righto, mate.

But we've got drugs!
Fintan's bringing Ventolin!

Why I am not picked for
James Bond movie? I am perfect man.

Good fitness. I always win!

Now, Ronaldo, don't you think
you're behaving a little childishly?

You are right, Daniel Craig.
You see into my 'eart.

I have been acting
like foolish baby. No more.

Good lad.

Argh! My arm! Referee!

Oh, Ronaldo.
This is... no time to dive.

Come on, Ref. You gonna let him
get away with that?!

Pretty soon, there's bound to be
an opening on the Supreme Court.

And I gotta move it left. WAY left.

They'll go so left, it'll be
tucked between my butt-cheeks.

I'll explain that to you later, sir.

Great, man.

I want a legal scholar
the kids'll like.

Someone with pizzazz, razzmatazz.

If you're looking to upgrade
the court's class and sass,

there's only one way
to find the perfect nominee.

# RuPaul's Judge Race
Start your engines

# RuPaul's Judge Race. #

Our first contestant comes to us

from the Third Circuit
Court of Appeals.

Will her ensemble be appealing,
or will it get her disbarred?

I'm serving you Babylonian style,

from the original lawmaker,
King Hammurabi.

Eye for an eye,
tooth for a tooth, b*tch.

And do NOT touch
my beard extensions.

Old-school justice!

Republicans'll love her.
But she's a no-sale to Dems.

Are those papyrus scrolls real?
Because that would freak me out.

Our next lawyer is known
for her legendary oral...

arguments!

I'll explain that one later.

I got that one.
I've been on trains.

I'm dishing Good Shepherd
of the Constitution.

You expect a nomination for that?

Don't count your sheep,
Little h* Peep.

CACKLES

But also, she's an expert
on the Commerce Clause.

Next up, a real twist.

She tips the scales of justice
with fierce, fishy realness.

Come through, bio queen.

Ooh, honey,
they say justice is blind.

And your outfit proves it.

You shouldn't rush to judgement,

because I'm no believer
in judicial restraint.

It's a Ru-veal!
CHUCKLES

I'm gagging for it.

I think this queen
may reign supreme.

SHE CACKLES

Help! Secret Service!
A dog's got me!

BIDEN YELPING

g*nshots

My motion was denied.
I was tricked.

Overruled.

I will not stand
for contempt of court.

You're dis-mizzed.

I swore I wasn't going to cry,
but... I'll allow it.

HE SOBS

It's time
for our final contestants...

..to lip-sync for your life...

time appointment
to the Supreme Court.

Cue Samuel Alito's opinion
in the case of Collins v Yelland.

# Because the Federal Housing
Finance Agency, FHFA

# Did not exceed its authority

# Under the Housing
And Economic Recovery Act of 2008

# As a conservator
Of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

# The anti-injunction... #

Hang on, stop the opinion.
I know who our nominee should be.

He, she, they...

YOU have been here all along.

Me?

You've had to make the hardest and
most important decisions for years.

Which fella looks like a dame?

I sentence us all
to a life of eleganza.

# RuPaul's Judge Race

# May the best justice
Best justice win! #

It was exciting in places,

and you could sense the audience
responding to that,

but if I'm honest, it was overlong,
complicated and very hard to follow.

INTERVIEWER:
So you didn't like the Bond film?

What? No, I was talking
about my speech

at the Labour Party conference.

As for the film,

I felt a lot of the issues really
spoke to our national character -

patriotic
and yet outward-looking,

not afraid to ask difficult...

Oh, why don't you f*ck off?

The traffic light system
for travel in Europe is over.

Britons are free once more
to explore France, Spain and Crete,

where I saved Afghanistan
and went snorkelling.

Deputy Prime Minister,

the leaders of Greece,
Spain and France to see you.

Ah, Mr Raab, uh, we beg you.

Put us back on
your red travel list.

Really? But why?

ALL: # Mr Raab, we beg you
Put us back on your red travel list

# And stop the British tourists
Coming over who are always pissed

# To vomit in our fountains
After eating egg and chips for tea

# Shag on beaches unprotected
Spreading all their STDs

# They point at menu
Wave their arms

# And say our food
Gives them the shits

# That is why we beg you

# Put us back
On your red travel list

# They urinate in streets and alleys
Making all our cities smell

# Wearing T-shirts printed
With a p*nis saying, "f*cking hell"

# We've had enough
Of British drunkards

# Falling off our balconies

# Of getting into nasty fights
And clogging up our A&Es

# The hen-night women
Roam the streets in scary packs

# And flash their t*ts

# Mr Raab, we beg you, put us back
On your red travel list

# I hear you all, I hear you moan
But here's the harsh reality

# You need the British tourists
To prop up your flat economies

# So here's your choices

# Drunken yobs or unemployment
Get my gist?

# Sadly, we agree that we must
Stay off your red travel list. #

Oi, oi!

ALL EXCLAIMING

Oh, this is a lovely place to fish.

The Somerset Levels to our right,
the Glastonbury Tor to our left.

Oh...

Ooh! 'Ey up, Susie -
I've got a bite!

Oh, thank God! You saved me!

Argh! A talking fish! Throw it back!

No, please!
The river's full of drugs

from all them Glastonbury ravers
pissing in it.

I'm off me f*cking nut on MDMA.

Fry me, eat me -
just don't throw me back!

Oh, my God. Now I've got one.

SHE STRAINS

GOVE HUMMING TECHNO BEAT

Throw me back!

The party's just getting started!
HE BEATBOXES

Hook me, hook me!

Well, we've got to eat one of them,
and...

I'm allergic to fish.

BEATBOXING

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #