That completes
tonight's COVID briefing.
I will now take questions on video.
First up, Nicki Minaj.
'Er, I've got a question
for your science a*s.
'My cousin's friend's testicles
'did blow up the size of Trinidad
from the vaccine.
'Yes, boo.
'Also, if you belch, fart and sneeze
at the same time, you die.
'My manager's dog said it did that.
Right, Barbz?
'And if you eat a booger,
you get pregnant with a booger baby.
'That's real.
And they have feelings.
'What's that, booger baby?
You don't want the vaccine?
'Don't worry, I'm doing research
'and I'm gonna
get to the bottom of this.
'O-K-K-K-K-K-K.'
Still, better than taking questions
from The Daily Mail.
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
SIREN BLARES
IAIN STIRLING: 'Every year,
the leaders of the G20,
'the world's biggest economies,
'come together
to settle their differences.
'At stake, the lives
and livelihoods of humanity.
'Boring!
'So the G20 leaders
have asked us here at Love Island
'to shake things up!
'We've brought them
to this two-and-a-half-star resort
'on the rocky side of Ibiza,
'where they'll ensure
global financial stability,
'form trade alliances,
and most importantly, find love!'
Jacinda and I
are a natural alliance.
We already sent
Trudeau and Erdogan home.
They totally botched the
"Pass The Carrot With Your Arse"
challenge.
But Putin and Merkel
are forging bilateral agreements
like wombats in a billabong.
Who wants to get annihilated
by doing vodka-Molly shots?
Shouldn't we grapple
with the problem
of dual hemisphere deflation?
How about you deal with your dual
hemisphere deflation, am I right?
Ugh! This is a European beach.
Grow up!
Hey, Putin! That's my flag
you're towelling off with!
Sorry. Already used it
to dry my crotch.
Huh!
BORIS MUMBLES
I did not come here to make friends.
Well, I'm desperate to make friends,
and all I get
is a face full of d*ck towel!
Scotland's health system's
at crisis point.
Nobody in Scotland
can get an ambulance.
What am I going to do?
Have you tried blaming England,
First Minister?
Of course I have, you wee fud!
SHE GRUNTS
THUD,
HE GROANS
But the NHS is fully devolved.
People are starting to realise
this is my fault.
I have to call in the British Army!
I'll drive your damn ambulances.
That's great, Tom, but why?
Because when I was in the Navy,
I had to get justice
for a m*rder*d private -
William T Santiago.
To honour his memory, any job that
he would have done, I have to do.
And even though he was
a United States Marine
based at Guantanamo Bay,
I know he'd be right here
driving ambulances in Glasgow.
You're on.
Great.
But I'll need someone to help me
navigate the Scottish roads.
Alex Salmond.
Goddammit,
I'm trying to help people,
but you keep taking us
the wrong way.
It's not the destination
that matters, it's the journey.
Dude, did you eat the map?
Tell me the truth!
Did you eat the map?
HE BELCHES
You can't handle the truth.
So you admit it! I rest my case.
TYRES SCREECH
BOTH: Whoa!
SPLASHING
I'm sorry, Santiago!
TEXT ALERT
I've got a text!
"Islanders, you have to negotiate
"a 3% reduction
in global carbon emissions
"while passing a raw squid
from mouth to mouth."
GASPING
GRUNTING: This would've been easier
if you hadn't left the EU.
That's negative two points
for the squid slip!
BOTH: Vegemite!
'The bison calf is dead,
and the vulture feasts on its eyes.
'Cold, indifferent nature
cares nothing for a mother's tears.'
Another Werner BLEEP Herzog
animal documentary.
Lighten up, you miserable b*stard!
Nature can be BLEEP funny.
Funny? How? All we ever do
is eat or get eaten.
Funny how? Funny this!
HE FARTS,
THEN LAUGHS
Vern, that's disgusting!
Sorry, honey.
SHE FARTS
Fooled you!
Oof, Jesus!
Whoa! Wow! What, have you been
eating dung beetles again?
BOTH FART
Hey, Herzog, film this,
you gloomy Teutonic BLEEP!
HE LAUGHS
LION ROARS,
CRUNCH
Vern? Vern?
Oh, sh*t.
'Across the earth
blows the cold wind of death.'
He has a point.
The Love Island Summit
is supposed to build community.
Who knew getting people drunk
in the sun just causes drama?
You won't commit
to copyright protection,
your performance in the lap-dance
challenge made me weep.
I have to question if you're here
for the right reasons!
I'm not into communal activities
unless enforced by the state.
MOBILE VIBRATES
I've got a text!
SHE READS: "Tonight, we vote on...
"..sanctions."
Oh, f*ck! f*ck!
I'm not here.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
We all voted on sanctions,
and it's time to read the results.
And the vote is...
..sanctions on Russia!
GASPING
Damn it! I need to upgrade
my vote-rigging software.
I've got a text!
It's yet another big twist.
A new Islander
is joining us right now.
Ooh, I hope it's hot twins!
Howdy!
Oh, God!
That is the exact opposite
of hot twins.
All right, America's here.
I'm declaring a new alliance.
Australia, the UK, and the US.
#AwkusMaximus.
Take that, bat breath.
Ooh, I'm so scared [!]
Mr American Big Mac
and his two chicken nuggets.
Hey, Australia is getting
nuclear submarines,
for which the UK is providing
precision-engineered biscuits.
You were supposed to buy
French submarines,
powered by
fine Bordeaux diesel fuel!
Right, but the instruction manual
was in bloody French!
Your loss.
Periscope up!
SHE GIGGLES
Oh!
Guys, you know I'm loving
your chanting very much,
but at the Liverpools we are wanting
to make the chanting less offensive.
What's the point in that?
Well, you get to support
the Liverpools,
but also not make other people
feel so bad.
Let's try it, ja?
Ha-ha!
The referee's a w*nk*r!
But masturbation is a healthy part
of the human experience!
Right, guys! Ha-ha!
Boom!
You're sh*t and you know you are!
Which shows an impressive degree
of insight and modesty!
You fat b*stard!
You fat b*stard!
All body shapes are valid!
In or out of wedlock!
Shut up, you w*nk*r!
Ow!
THUDDING
Feedback. Wow! fantastic!
Ha-ha!
Good evening.
Britain's carbon dioxide,
or CO2, supplies are falling,
putting our food supplies at risk.
There are many reasons,
but I've been told by the government
that none of them are Brexit.
Luckily, we all produce CO2
when we talk,
in a process called "out-gassing".
We have developed
a device to harness this.
I will now demonstrate
with the help of the Prime Minister.
Mr Johnson,
tell us about Winston Churchill.
Ah, yes! Winston Churchill,
perhaps the greatest Prime Minister
this country has ever had.
A colossus,
bestriding the world stage.
We've already produced enough
hot gas
to carbonate 15 barrels of beer.
..packing.
Indefatigable, unshakeable.
He is, without doubt...
FRANTIC BLEEPING
The pressure's too high!
Deploy the
emergency-braking question!
How many children do you have?
FRANTIC BLEEPING
The bulldog spirit
of the indomitable British.
It's not working!
ALARM BLARES
Take cover!
CLATTERING
BOOMING
I have nothing to offer
but blood, sweat and gas.
HE BELCHES
Madame Vice President,
I'm proud of the work
we two have done
for the Black community.
It's hard to believe
that in our lifetime
we've made Juneteenth
a federal holiday!
No-one was asking for it,
but we got it done.
Still, it does seem
more of a symbolic gesture.
Yes, a gesture of progress!
A progressive gesture of symbolism.
You know what would be
a real progressive step?
Actual reparations.
I feel you, sister.
We're not sisters.
I hear you, girlfriend.
Well, reparations are politically
risky and an uphill battle,
but I will make something happen!
Mr Lin-Manuel Miranda,
I want you to write a song
celebrating reparations.
Wow, it's really gonna happen!
Yes, the uplifting hope of starting
the conversation about reparations
is going to happen,
thanks to your song.
It'll be like that
Imagine video from the pandemic!
That was widely hated...
but widely viewed!
I'll call the song Raparations.
I would never have thought of that.
Of course, the man who invented
hip-hop is a genius.
I'm already in the flow.
Gimme a beat.
SHE BEATBOXES
# Nancy Pelosi
You're gonna toast me
# Cos this song will be
Closely associated
# With not being hated. #
BEATBOXING STOPS
Don't worry, I'm working on it.
In the end, the only alliance
that survived was Jacinda and me.
Not surprising,
since we are basically one country.
And how's that working out?
Bloody awful.
We're in a w*r over
who invented the Pavlova dessert.
Plus, everyone keeps confusing
our accents.
Which is crazy,
because they're totally different.
Wait, did I say that?
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC
Branding is all about
creating an experience.
And I will teach you
how to sell that.
As you enjoy a bottle
of my delicious Whatamana tequila...
Go out and buy it, I can wait.
I'm Dwayne Johnson.
And you're paying me
to sell you tequila.
Lin-Manuel,
what's our three-minute
hip-hop song about reparations like?
Like a four-hour musical.
I play Alexander Hamilton's
great-grandson,
a time-travelling space immigrant
who serves justice to the oppressed.
Check out my space wig.
BEAT STARTS
# Yo, I'm Devon Hamilton, you see
# It's t-t-2093
# Gonna heal a broken nation
With a raparation
# Conversation
A conversation that is serious
# Make you delirious
You hearing this?
# I'm Devon Hamilton
And I also play the flute. #
HE PLAYS FLUTE
Great! But does it fully represent
the Black community?
Why don't you ask my co-star,
Ariana Grande?
SHE VOCALISES
Wow! She sounds and looks so Black.
# It's tan from a can! #
So your plan to advance reparations
is Hamilton II: In Space?
It's a joyous celebration
of our cultural diversity,
with an edgy sci-fi twist!
And the Democratic Party
gets a piece of the box office.
So everybody gets money except
for the Black people who need it.
BEAT RESTARTS
# And all the rich liberals
Feel as good as can be
# Getting paid, but watch the play
To show solidarity. #
HE PLAYS FLUTE
JAMES BOND MUSICAL STING
Phoebe, I got your new rewrite.
Good, isn't it?
Mm. Got a couple of concerns.
It starts off
in Moneypenny's office.
Bit of flirty banter.
But when Bond goes in to see M,
we stay with Moneypenny,
who turns to camera and says...
"He shagged me up the arse."
Yes?
Well, normally, it's more innuendo.
Bond might say,
"I once took her up the Orinoco."
Oh.
Er... What if I change it to
"He came on my t*ts"?
Meanwhile, we're missing all
the explanation about the mission.
The mission's not the real story.
The relationships are. Well...
I suppose you ARE the genius.
Oh, sod it.
I mean, in Die Another Day,
he had an invisible car.
BOND THEME PLAYS
Why don't we raise the stakes,
Mr Scary-Finger?
As you wish, Mr Bond.
Why is it so bloody hard
to find a good vibrator?
I had to see you!
Because you want
to shag me up the arse?
You're so damaged and posh,
and you're SO clumsy.
Argh! Ooh!
GLASS SHATTERS
My old flatmate accidentally
k*lled herself, you see.
I wonder if Mr Scary-Finger
knows anything about that.
Ooh, I'd like him
to shag me up the arse!
What are you implying, Mr Bond?
Only that this is no time to die!
ONLOOKERS GASP
Mmm! Oh!
SOUNDS OF FIGHTING IN BACKGROUND
FIGHTING CONTINUES
Are you sure it's going to work?
Bound to. I'm getting
ten grand a day for this.
Fair point.
'FIRST DATES' MUSICAL STING
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm recently single.
I'm into cookies,
enterprise software
and giving my fortune away
to anybody but my ex-wife.
PRODUCER:
And how do you like to have fun?
I write my name in Wingdings!
Here at Emmanuel Macron's
restaurant
everyone is on their first date.
Welcome, sir.
I think we have
ze perfect lady for you.
Hi, I'm Liz Windsor.
What am I looking for?
Well, I'm fresh out of
a long-term relationship,
so definitely nothing serious.
And no more cousins.
PRODUCER: Is there anything
you're worried about?
Hmm. Is the sceptre too much?
So, do you have any children?
Yes.
Same! Do you want any more?
Christ, no.
I barely want the ones I have.
Are yours waiting for you to die?
Yeah!
I feel ya.
Ooh la la!
Connection?
I don't know.
I mean, sure, he's got his own hips,
but I suppose one was
rather hoping for Zac Efron.
SLURRED: I'm just trying
to make the world better, you know?
But seems like whatever I do,
someone's got a problem with me.
That's why I never do anything.
Say...
You ever visit Pornhub?
Yeah, I mean,
obviously she's a cougar.
But there's something
about that sceptre...
Yeah, I think
there is an attraction.
He only went to the toilet twice
during dinner.
He's an LA six.
Windsor nine,
if you know what I mean.
Say, you know
about computers, right?
Hypothetically,
would you be able to erase
somebody's son's internet history?
Are you inviting me home for coffee?
MUSIC SWELLS
So, would you like
to see each other again?
Well, I had fun.
You seem like a genuine guy.
No webbed hands or feet.
I'm up for seeing where this goes.
You?
Absolutely.
I mean, you played it
totally emotionless,
but what can I say?
I'd like to show you
the Tower of London.
Stop it!
No, YOU stop it!
THEY CHUCKLE
Don't stop it.
Two billionaires found love.
And the rest of us
are left to clean up ze mess.
Oh! Leftover pudding.
HE SLURPS
Mr President,
the results of the Russian
presidential election are in.
A thousand apologies, but...
you lost.
What?! How?!
Who could have possibly beaten me?
Oh, ha! Only me!
Wha...?
Olivia Colman.
Won the Emmy, now your election!
Gosh, I win everything!
She's right, you know.
Oh, gosh, oopsie!
ALARM BLARES
MEN GRUNT
Stop! Thief!
He's nicking my scooter!
Did someone call for The Foxman?
The who?
The Foxman.
By day, I'm Keir Starmer,
a politician limited by
the irrelevance of the Labour Party.
But by night,
in the guise of Foxman,
I tackle injustice
wherever I see it.
Within the prescribed legal and
regulatory framework, obviously.
So you're a superhero
with no utility belt,
no ninja stars and no actual powers?
True. But I do have
a very complicated backstory.
In that case, I'm off.
Do something!
There's a crime
staring you right in the face!
There is indeed.
Your helmet does not comply
with safety regulation EN1078,
which clearly states that
there should be no occultation
in the field of vision,
horizontally,
by a minimum of 105 degrees
from the longitudinal
vertical median plane.
WHOOSH, FANFARE
What the...? All right, bab.
Show some f*cking leadership.
Aren't you Jess Phillips,
the annoying, outspoken feminist
who wants to drag Labour
more to the centre?
No, I'm Viral!
The annoying, outspoken
feminist superhero
who wants to make Labour
more electable.
Superhero, eh?
What's your backstory?
Oh, f*ck. Another Labour man
banging on about the past.
"Oh, old things!"
Stand back and let
the young generation sort this out!
Great idea.
Let's convene a citizens' assembly
of under 17...
CHAINSAW REVS
Convene my big Labour vag.
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
THEY GASP
You cut my scooter in half!
Ah! An egalitarian solution.
Redistribute resources equally.
No, destroy the bloody thing,
because an adult man should not
be on a scooter like a baby.
You wanna suck some f*cking milk
from my big Labour t*ts?
Not really. You seem quite angry.
Yeah, cos of the bloody patriarchy!
Now bugger off!
I'm going to tweet about this!
ECHOING: I'm going... Viral!
HE GASPS
Your methods differ from mine,
and your language is a bit
Wetherspoons-at-closing-time,
but we fight for the same cause.
Perhaps the centre and the left
CAN join forces.
And stop internal fighting?
I'd never go viral again, duck.
Right, I'm off on my scooter.
A scooter?! But you said...
It's fine when I do it, you f*ck.
Successful evening, sir?
I learned a valuable lesson.
If I'm gonna save this nation
from the forces of darkness,
I'm gonna have to talk about
my genitals and swear a lot more.
Indeed. Shall we go home?
Yes.
You big hairy twat.
JAUNTY TUNE
Emma Raducanu,
congratulations on your
tip-top teenage tennis triumph.
And look at how much prize money
they gave you.
Yeah, I'm waiting for my nanny
and a chimney sweep.
They're going to help me
invest it wisely.
Well, there's nothing wiser
than investing in your country.
HE LAUGHS
JAUNTY MUSIC
# I'm the handsome Chancellor
Who you can trust
# Under me
The country won't go bust
# When it comes to fiscal management
# We're level and we're sane
# We won't pour your money
Down the drain
# We'll buy dodgy PPE from our mates
# Waste several billion
On Track and Trace
# Not to mention
A pointless high-speed train
# But we won't pour your money
Down a drain
# But you're ruining the country
You're taxing all and sundry
# I'm young, but I've got a brain
# And you will pour my money
Down the
# Will pour my money down the
Will pour my money down the drain. #
Oh, just give it here!
No way!
Let go! Let go of it!
BORIS GRUNTS
Ow! Argh!
Excuse me, sir.
I've got tuppence.
Where do I feed the pigeons?
Tuppence?
HE GASPS
SPLASH
Buggeration!
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah
# Oh-ah! #
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