04x02 - Everybody Hates Cake

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to make myself feel better.

I tried hanging out
with the losers.

So, what do you want to
study- math or science?

Dude, why are you
always studying?

Yeah, you act like we're
graduating tomorrow.

Don't be such
a downer.

I even tried hanging out
with the break-dance crews.

I only had a connection
with one person in the school,

and it was the wro type
of connection.

What's up, Theo?

9! There was only one time
during the day

that I didn't miss Greg.

Home Ec.

It smelled like biscuits,

and it looked
like Victoria's Secret.

Greg wasn't there,

but if there's one way
to replace one good friend,

it's with a bunch
of strange women.

Hey, that's how strip
clubs were born.

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? would have been a bad choice.

But for me,
it was a perfect fit.

Everything I did in class
I already did at home.

These are good, Chris.

Thanks. Maybe I could taste
your cookies sometime.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

You know, I mean,

like if you were
to bake some here.

In class.

Hmm. Don't be funny.

Okay.

Because I was a guy and a good
cook, I t a lot of attention.

Bye, Chris.
Bye, Chris.

The only girl in class

who wouldn't give me the time
of day was Maria.

Don't be mad at me
because you can't make toast.

Back on my block, somebody was
catching heat besides me.

A ticket?! How you gonna give me
a ticket?

You're parked by a hydrant.

Do you see a fire?
Do you smell smoke?

Do you see a dog
trying to pee?

You know what?
You need to give

yourself a ticket.

You're the one
that's double-parked.

You give me that pad!

Got you now!

Now who's violent?

Ah! How you like me now?

Oh, oh. What,
what, what?

Now, you got your ticket.

What, you want
some of this?

Would you look
at that?

Now, she should be
ashamed of herself.

Didn't you have a fight
with that meter maid?

That was different.

No, it wasn't.

Do you see a fire?

Do you smell smoke?

Do you see a dog
trying to pee?

What you need to do is
give yourself a ticket.

You're the one
that's double-parked!

Give me that!

Give me that!
How's it feel now?

I give the tickets!

Mom, what are
you doing?

That's your mother?

Y'all get in the house.
Y'all go get in the house. Now!

Mom, why are???

Tasha, please, stop talking
to me like I'm your daughter.

Hi!

I'm Peaches!

Hi. I'm Rochelle.

This is Chris' mom.

Rochelle?

Oh, I heard so
much about you.

Oh, my God. I've been meaning
to go upstairs and say hi.

But, woo, things have been
so crazy since I got out.

Got out?
Mm-hmm.

Of what?

Jail.

Jail?
Mm-hmm.

Ooh, girl,
can you believe it?

I go out with this guy, he gon'
knock over a liquor store.

I'm in the car,

and he hop in with
a bag of money

waving his g*n talking about
"Drive, drive, drive!"

Next thing I know

I'm doing four to six years

for aiding and
abetting.

All right, well, I will
talk to you later.

Ooh! Girl, that
is a nice purse!

Oh, it's all leather.
Mm-hmm.

See, I knew I would like you.
I love people with good taste.

You're just like me.

Minus the tackiness
and the rap sheet.

Come on, Mom.

She'll talk your ear off all day
if you let her.

Oh, Tasha, please.

While my mom was reeling,

Drew and Tonya had Mr. Omar
on the hook.

Okay,

now, let's cut to the chase.

This is Herman.

All right,
now, this

is the food.

Now you put in two shakes.

Not one, not three, two.

Every day, after school.

And if Herman survives,
I'll pay you ten dollars.

What if Herman dies?

Then I keep my money

and buy me another fish.

Oh! The Color Purple!
Can we watch it?

I love Danny Glover.

Mister was the best movie
villain since Darth Vader.

No. Leave my movies alone.

Don't touch anything,
don't eat anything.

Don't sit, search or stare.

Just feed Herman and leave.

Got it?

Yes.

While Mr. Omar's fish
were about to get fed,

things in Home Ec
were about to get cooking.

Okay, for our second group
of partners,

we have Sadie and Lola, Tiffany
and Ambe Chris and...

Chris and Maria, Chris
and Maria, Chris and Maria...

...and Angel.

I hadn't noticed Angel before,

but if she looked
like her name,

as Greg would say,
I was about to be in there.

Where's Angel?

Right over there.

Hi. I'm Chris.

Hi. I'm Angel.

Ahn-Hel?
More like, "What the hell?"

Ahn-Hel?
What's up with the outfit?

And thmakeup?

I'm androgynous, silly.

Around 1986, a new trend emerged
called androgyny.

Inspired by the looks
of personalities

such as Boy George,
Prince, Grace Jones

and Attorney General Janet Reno,

gender benders,
as they were also called,

stretched the perceptions
of what it meant

to be male or female.

Ahn-hel?
What type of name is that?

It's Boriqua, baby.

Look, I know what you're doing.

I wish I could say the same.

You do?
Yes.

I know you boys like
to come into Home Ec

trying to do more
than bake cookies.

You and me,
we could be friends.

I couluse you.

I don't think I like
where this is headed.

What are you talking about?

Me, I understand fashion,
hair and Madonna,

but I'm terrible in the kitchen.

So?

I saw you looking at Maria.

All I'm saying???

I can help you.

And how is that?

Chelsea?

What, Angel?

This boy just broke up
with his girlfriend.

Oh.

He's depressing me
with sad talk.

Would you kiss him
on the cheek?

He needs
a reason to live.

How's that?

Yeah. It was good.

So do we have a deal?

What?

Do we have a deal?

Oh. Uh... Yeah.

Ow!

???

While Maria
couldn't make a corn flake,

I helped Angel make a cake.

Angel, your cake
is amazing.

I couldn't have
done it without Chris.

If you want an "A"
on your next project,

that is your boy.

Really?

Chris?

Yes?

Maria.
Yes.

I was wondering...
Yes?

...if maybe you can
help me make a cake?

Yes.

She may t know
how to work an oven,

but she knows how to work me.

Charming, he cooks...

I don't know, Maria.

Sounds like a catch to me.

We'll see about that
after we make the cake.

See you, Chris.

Yes.

Me and Angel made a deal
to work together in class,

but being seen together
in the hallway

was a whole other thing.

Yeah. I have to go ask
Mrs. Williams something.

Yeah. I'll
catch you later.

* That, that dude
looks like a lady... *

Back at Mr. Omar's,

Tonya was worried
about being seen, too.

What are you doing?

I was watching
The Color Purple.

Mr. Omar said not
to touch his stuff.

I wasn't touching.
I was watching.

Fine. If anything gets
messed up, it's on you.

Nothing's going
to get messed up,

so shut up.

Come on.

Hey, Rochelle!

Hey!

Translation:
"Who told you where I work?"

Who told you where I work?

Who's this?

I'm Peaches.

That's, uh,
Tasha's mother.

She just moved
in next door.

Girl, you look
just like your daughter.

With a rap sheet.

I'm Vanessa.

Vanessa? NessaVanessa?

Oh, this is your shop!
Oh, this is nice!

Oh! Rochelle, I should
have known you worked

at a nice place like this.
Just don't rob it.

Just don't rob it.

Rob it?

She is just joking!

I just got out of jail. Jail?

Mm-hmm.

Which one?
Taconic.

Oh. Medium security.

What were you doing? Aiding
and abetting or something?

Yeah, girl, you know
how that is. You do?

It almost happened to me once.
I was just sitting in a car...

Supposed to be on a date? Guy
hops in with a bag of money...

Talk aut, "Drive!"? Drive?
I hopped out and ran.

That's what
you should have done.

That's what I should
have done.

Okay, Peaches.
All right, girl.

Well, I will see you
later... Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, speaking of later!
Oh, girl, I need a touch-up.

Tasha's staying with
some friends tonight.

I'm going out with this guy,
and I need to look good.

Then you better not
show him your tattoos.

Don't show him your tattoo

You got tattoos?
I was in jail.

I'll squeeze
you in.

Sit down.
Oh, girl,

thank you!

I was cool with Angel,
but not with androgyny,

so I asked my dad for help.

Hey, Dad?

Hey. You did a good job
with dinner tonight.

Thanks.

Can I ask you
a question?

I'm not giving up
my sweet potato pie recipe.

You're just going
to have to k*ll me first.

Oh. Oh, no.

See, there's this guy
in my Home Ec class.

You having a problem?

No, not at all.

He's just a little flamboyant.

Flamboyant?

Yeah. He looks kind
of like Boy George.

Oh, you mean
androgynous?

Yeah.

We have to partner
on this project, and he's cool.

I just don't want
pele thinking

that me and him hang out
like that.

I knew this androgynous
guy when I was coming up.

You did?
Yeah.

He was one of the
baddest dudes I ever met.

Pink Bobby Jenkins.

He was androgynous way
before it was popular.

Everybody used to
make fun of him.

Pink Bobby?

So, did you guys hang out?

Nope.

I didn't want people to
think I was androgynous.

Then one day, I was
coming home from school,

and these guys jumped me.

Oh, they
had me, too.

Then, next thing I know,
here comes Pink Bobby.

Man, Pink Bobby was
knocking suckers out.

I asked him
why'd he help me,

even though I
wouldn't talk to him.

But he said he didn't care
that I didn't talk to him.

It was because I
didn't talk about him.

After that, we
were always cool.

And people didn't think
you were androgynous?

Look, Chris, unless
you show up in a dress,

heels and makeup,

nobody's gonna think
you're androgynous.

Thanks, Dad.

Surprise!
Surprise!

Malvo?

You two know each other?

Yeah, baby, we
old friends.

This is the guy you
were talking about? Yeah.

But I didn't know you two knew
each other.

Why didn't you say
something? Baby, 'cause you

wouldn't quit talking.

He is so stupid.
Ain't he stupid?

Is that a trick question?

Rochelle, you
are crazy.

Oh, I could say

the same tng about you.

Oh, baby.

Oh, come on,
let's go sit down.

Yeah.

This is crazy.
Ain't this crazy?

This is crazy, bcDy.
Whoo!

There haven't been this many
ex-cons in one place

since Naomi Campbell
had lunch with Amy Winehouse.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Whoo!

Thanks for dinner, y'all. Yeah.

I'm glad y'all showed
up when y'all did,

because we were done
eating an hour ago.

See, that's why
y'all are good people.

You know, if it had have
been me, I would have been,

like, "I hope they ain't
hungry. " You know?

Well, how did you two meet?

We both got
the same parole officer.

We were taking our drug tests,

anhe was coming out
the bathroom.

Anshe was coming
down the hall and...

We was both holding
cups of pee.

Oh, baby!

Sounds like a love story
for R. Kelly.

That sounds nice.

See, I wanted you to meet him

to get your opinion,
but you already know him,

that's good enough for me. Hey, y'all

got any Jell-O or somethg
like that for dessert?

I'll see what I can find.

Rochelle, you want to
give me a hand? Okay, baby.

Cool.

Malvo?
Hmm?

You like Jell-O?

Baby, I love Jell-O.

I love Jell-O, too!

Does it say...

Does it say
"Rikers Island" on our door?

No. Then why a there
two convicts in my house?

She just showed up. What
was I supposed to do?

Tell her to just get out.

I don't want
to be rude.

Look, she barged in,
she ate our food,

and she brought a guest.

She's rude. She's Tasha's mother, okay?

Now, for Chris
and Tasha's sa,

we have to be
neighborly.

Look, be neighborly
at her house.

I don't want her in here.

Come on, ya'll.

Where the Jell-O?

Did you try Bill Cosby's house?

???

and into my discomfort zone.

You'll get
your Eurythmics tape back

wh I give it back, b*tch.

Hey, man.

Hey.

You want to go
get some lunch

and hang out
or something?

No.

Why not?

Chris, you're a nice guy.

I don't know how to say this.

I don't mind working
with you in class,

but being seen
with you out here-

it's a whole other thing.

I get picked on enough
for the way I dress.

Hanging out with you will
give people one more reason.

I just got the
"It's not you, it's me" speech

from a guy who wears pumps?

While I figure out my feelings,
let'take a break.

Without Greg around
to talk this out,

I decided to talk to myself.

Dude, who was that androgynous
guy you were just talking to?

Oh, that's Angel.

Do I need to
kick his a*s?

Don't try it.
Androgynous guys

have a reputation
for being great fighters.

Nah, he's cool.
He's in my Home Ec class.

Home Ec?
Do I need to kick your a*s?

You don't understand. He's tight
with every girl in the class.

They trade clothes.

He's gonna hook me up.

Yeah? With who?

Hey, Chris.
Yes?

You're gonna help me
with that cake, ght?

Yes.

Good. Who's your friend?

How you doin', honey?
I'm Greg.

I like your coat.

The skullcap is another story.

Man, you're so in there.

Anyways, I gotta go
beat up some nerds.

Have fun at your bake-off.

If you don't find any nerds,

you could just punch yourself
in the face.

While I got a sleeveful, my
mother was getting an earful.

He's a Pisces.
I'm an Aquarius.

That's fish and water.
That go together, right?

Ooh, girl, that ain't...

Peaches, I would love
to talk to you right now,

but I gotta cook. Ooh,
I could help you cook.

You makin' chicken, I could fry
it, corn, I could shuck it.

I can make a mean grilled cheese
with a iron if you're desperate.

No, that's okay.

And if you're really desperate,

wine out of toilet water
and a g*n out of soap.

Okay, my grilled cheese
is fresh to die...

Peaches? Huh? Stop, okay?

I really appreciate the fact
that you like me,

but we have
to set some boundaries.

Like prison gates.

Oh, okay, okay.
Girl, say no more.

See, we just alike.

You need your space,
I need my space.

Right.

Okay!
Okay!

Well, call me. Okay?
Okay.

You gonna call me?
Sure.

No, I'm-a call you
when you done, okay?

No, no, I'll call you.
I'll call you. Yeah.

Okay, well, call me.

I'll call you. Okay. Bye.

Okay.
Okay.

Hmm. Okay.

Uh-huh, all right,
all right, all right.

Everything seems to be in order.

Herman is healthy.
Mission accomplished.

Thank you.

You didn't touch
anything, did you?

No.

No.
All right.

This is the beginning
of a beautiful relationship.

Yo, y'all have
to try this cake.

My girl Maria
made it for me.

Maria? Your girl's name's Maria?

Well, she ain't my girl girl,
just this girl.

She diggin' on me.

I told her she need
to be able to cook

if she wants to get with m

See, I don't like
girls that can't cook.

So you like her?

Well, I don't know about her,

but I like this cake.

You want a piece? Try it.

I was using cake
to get closer to Maria

and she was using cake
to get closer to Dickerson,

and it didn't work
for either one of us.

Oh! Rochelle!
You scared the...!

Peaches, what the hell
are you doing in my house?!

Girl, I lost my keys,
Tasha wasn't home,

so I just lemyself in.

You let yourself in?

Mm-hmm.

There's three locks on the door.

Oh, yeah, those are no good.

You really need to upgrade.

I mean, having those locks

is like leaving
your door wide open.

No, it's not.

That was a closed door
with three locks on it.

Why didn't you break
into your own house?

That's what I'm saying.
It's the locks.

Mine are unpickable. You think
I'm gonna be standing out

on the street looking like I'm
breaking into somebody's house?

Peaches, what's
wrong with you?

Do you remember the talk
that we had about boundaries?

I needed your advice,
and I have been

sitting here
all day waiting for you...

Peaches...

What?

How would you feel
if you came home

and I was in your house
with your man?

Why would I know
where your man is?

Oh, by the way, Vanessa called.

She said make sure
you call her back.

You answered my phone?!

What? You acting
like I stole something!

You are a crimin.

I was an accomplice!

That is not the same thing!

They locked you up
in the same jail.

Oh, oh, okay, I get it.

So you think
that I am a criminal!

Joker, joker, joker.

I mean, what else
am I supposed to think?

You know what?
Think what you want.

No, I'm thinking.

Think that. No, really, I'm thinking.

No, think that.
I'm thinking.

Think that. Believe
me, I'm thinking that!

And stay away
from my Turtles.

Well, you outta milk!

Hey, hey! Hey!

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Uh-uh, don't "Hey" me.

I know y'all were watching
my videotape machine.

How?

The counter told on you.

It was at 0743.
Now it says 0002.

So?

So? So the lady I'm seeing
likes to do things

by the numbers.
I was waiting on 800.

She had a special surpri
for me at 800,

and you ruined it!

The surprise was,
she was a man.

Isn't that kinda weird?

Isn't that kinda none
of your business?

Look, I told you
not to touch anything.

A deal is a deal.
Now give me back my money.

Any day now.

Tragic!

Um, listen, Rochelle,

I'm sorry for breaking
into your apartment.

Okay.

And you know I think
you're smart and stylish...

Mm-hmm.

Li me.

And I'd really like for us
to be friends.

I don't know, Peaches.

You've really went
a little too far.

I know.

Well, I'm sorry for calling
you a criminal.

It's okay.

Okay.

* I see your true colors... *

Hey!
Hey!

What the hell you think you're doing?!
What the hell you think you're doing?!

Get away
from that car!

Angel and I were reaching
a new understanding.

Sorry about Maria.

It's cool. You know, that's
just how girls are.

That's why
I don't mess with them.

No, it's not.

So, I'll talk
to you tomorrow.

See ya.

???

Yep. Bye.

After all was said and done,
even a roomful of girls

wasn't the same as having
one good friend.

Greg? What are you doing here?

Got kicked out
of the Bronx Academy.

So I'm back.

See you still have that coat.

I've cnged in ways
you couldn't imagine, Chris.

I've seen things.
I've done things.

I've tasted blood
and it tastes good.

Taste that, Tonto.

???

Welcome back, dude.

Thanks.

* Everybody hates Chris *

* And Greg. *