02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

STRENGTHS: NONE

WEAKNESSES: NO INTERCOURSE!!!
p*nis HARDNESS

OPPORTUNITIES:??????

THREATS: END OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ADAM!!!

WHAT TO BUY GRANDMA FOR XMAS

WHAT TURNS MEN ON

WHAT TURNS MEN ON? – ASK A QUESTION

TIPS FOR A HOT DATE
KINKY PRACTICES

MOST SEARCHED PORN CATEGORIES

I want...

to taste...

your c*ck right now.

Oh sweetheart.

Our timing is excellent!

Ever the contrarian.

I used to bring work home.

Now I see you're bringing home to work.

It's only temporary.

Just temporary.

- That's what you always said.
- Me?

Małgorzata.

It's an interesting choice.

- Did you come here to give me advice, Dad?
- No.

But I've had some free time lately.

The reason why I'm here
is to ask if you need any help.

No. Everything's under control.

Yeah.

I can see that it is.

You know, initially I kept asking myself
if I should just drop in on you like this.

It only took three minutes
to be sure I'd made the right decision.

Your vent is drafty.

My vent?

The window vent.

And winter's coming.

A recipe for disaster. It'll be frosty.

- Yeah, however, it's not difficult to fix.
- It's not if you have the skill.

It's just a week is a long time.

A week or I could, uh, maybe ten days.
There's no point in planning.

It's just I've got so much work.

From dusk til dawn I've got..

lots of work.

- I'm just afraid you're gonna be bored.
- I've got stuff to do.

Yeah?

Yeah, dumplings. I'll make you dinner.

You can have them after work.

I know that you're self-sufficient now,
but, you know,

a man around the house is feminist.

Isn't it?

No.

Well if it turns out
you need some fatherly support after all...

What do you mean when you say,
"fatherly support"?

Money, of course.

Oh, okay. I get it.

Marek will always be Marek, won't he?

Listen,
if you're scared I'll cut you off again,

you don't have to worry.

I did what I had to then.
Now it's different.

I can see that you've changed.

Uh, it's my pedagogic success after all.

Uh, hold on a minute.

I'm sorry,
you think all of this is thanks to you?

Uh-huh.

Oh, Maks!

I'm happy to see you.

Well, it's good to see you too.

I'm sorry I have to go.
I have a meeting with my advisor.

- This is Maks.
- Advisor?

Good luck at Tour de France.
Maks, let's go!

I've been doing some riding lately.

Mmm.

Ready for a picnic?

I don't know.

I... This is my first picnic.

We haven't really hung out in a while.
We can finally talk with each other.

You'd like that, huh?

What?

...to taste it...

Mmm, well you know, like,
what if we say stuff to each other.

Well, yeah. I prefer to listen.

To you.

Was the car a communion gift?

You're witty.

It's really a shame
the app didn't work out

because you would've done well
in interviews.

This car is optimal
for driving in the city

because it's fuel-efficient,
it fits anywhere, and it won't get stolen.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Besides, I get attached to things.

Oh, and most importantly,
it's a magnet for chicks.

You're witty too, Maks.

Uh, I have my moments.

- Good afternoon, miss.
- Good afternoon.

Relax, he's gonna like you.

- Oh.
- Don't worry.

Hey.

The Old Town, a gorgeous girl.
Guessing it's a date.

It's all right.

Don't worry, I've reached a point
where I accept heterosexuals.

Gotta say, the location is a bit cliché,
don't you think?

- Well, he picked it out.
- Mmm.

I'll help you. I'll take this coin
and toss it into a fountain for you

wishing you a good date.

Thanks.

Uh...

Paulina?

She awaits you, castellan.

Uh, no, I... I'm not castellan, I'm Marcin.

Hi, Marcin.

You know, actually, I'd never have thought
to bring you with me.

This could be a good opportunity,
and I think this could be good for Sexify.

I wouldn't be so sure.
I don't think we can fire anyone here.

We won't be firing anyone today.
We're going to be strengthening our ties.

You'll be meeting
some important people here

who it's good to have them on your side.

- Networking.
- Now there's something I'm good at.

Wonderful! Then, when we go inside,
you'll be able to prove it

So, what's the occasion?

It's a wake.

Let's go.

Holy cow, I really did hit the jackpot.

Here I thought this was a dating app,
not a modeling agency.

Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Seriously, I've heard it's easy
to get suckered on there.

Suckered?

You know, the girls cheat. They upload...

You know, they take these photos
that are like, "Wow."

And then you go on a date and...

- And there's no "wow." Mmm.
- Exactly.

So, in your profile, you also wrote,

"I'm a tall blond."

I'm 5'10". That's the low end of tall.

Oh. That's fair, I guess.

- Would you mind if I ask some questions?
- Pick a number.

Uh... seven?

I knew you'd say seven.

- You feel it?
- What?

Between us.
There's vibrations with us, right?

Oh, look, my phone's ringing.

Yeah? I don't hear it.

It's the vibration. I felt it going off.

Yes, Mom?

What, now?

Uh, don't worry. I'll be right over, okay?

Bye-bye.

I'm sorry. Horsey!

NATALIA: WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING?
HOW'S IT GOING?

GREAT!

I'm done. Sorry.

By the way,
what are you working on now?

Well,
we're trying to work on expanding the app.

Like, uh, expanding it to other devices?

Uh... Yeah, I guess you could say that.

You're so mysterious.

So how about we set up our picnic?

Hmm.

Nepalese cuisine. My top three.

Maybe top five.

You should have warned me
that you were taking me to a wake today.

But you said, and I quote,

"Let's go anywhere."

"I can't take another five minutes
with him or I'll die."

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi. Hello.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Good afternoon.

Nepalese cuisine. My top three.

Well...

...maybe top five.

Besides, remember,
we're on a mission. Networking.

All right. Who was the star of the party?

- He was my first boss.
- What happened to him?

- Manaslu.
- A virus?

No. The mountain.

It's fun to just hang out, right?

Um.

Two people on a walk...

But no pressure.

No pressure.

LIPS KEBAB

- Zero pressure.
- Zero.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

These trampolines are f*cking amazing!

Yeah. Super.

Watch this!

Are you sure... you don't want any?

Uh, no, thanks.

Are you still in school? Or college?

Yeah! Watch!

What else do you like...

Watch me now! Whoop!

So, how's the...

The...?

So, uh, can you tell me a little bit
about your erogenous zones?

I mean, y'know, uh...

your studies.

Oh. Do you have a dog?

What?

Your jacket.

Oh, f*cking hell.

- Y'know, just chill small talk.
- Oh!

MONIKA: ARE YOU ON IT??!

And it took me a while.

However,
I finally decided to go into civil law.

DAD: VENT IS WORKING

Am I boring you?

What?

No.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm just a bit, uh, tired is all.

With work?

Well, to be honest,

with dates.

I hear that.

This is my fourth this week.

On the one hand it's cool
that there's so much choice.

But on the other hand,

you know how
we've got all these different food apps?

If I had one place nearby to get food,
I'd just go there, eat and that's it.

Instead, I scroll.

Maybe Indian food?

Or pizza?

How about sushi?

Or maybe bao?

In the end, I don't order anything.

And then I go hungry.

Yeah.

I go hungry too.

All right. I guess I've been talking
too much tonight about myself.

I hope you won't scroll past me.

Tell me about yourself.

Should I take off my shoes?

Your shoes?

Dearly beloved,

we have gathered here today
to say farewell to our friend, Paweł.

History will remember him
as the largest Polish producer

and distributor of food coloring.

But is that the whole truth about Paweł?

When I say "Paweł Augustyniak,"

I think of the word "conqueror."

Paweł fathered a son.
He planted a tree, many in fact.

He built a house in Corsica.

And we know what construction looks like
in France.

Never mind that.
Most importantly, he remained

insatiable.

No one could tame him.

Not his first wife, Kasia,

his second wife, Bożenka,
or even his third wife, Jessica.

Paweł, he was a real conqueror.

He was a real man.

He lived as a champion
and mountaineering was his goal.

Can we imagine
having a death more beautiful?

One that is more fitting and meaningful

than passing during an ascent?

WHAT'S THE SITUATION AT THE OFFICE?

Sorry.

REPORT TO ME, GIRLS!

I swear.

- That one was the last one today.
- It's all good.

I know that waiting isn't for you.

But that said...

the wait could be nicer, right?

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

What are you doing here?

Us?

We were hugging.

I don't mean sex.

Oh. Then what is it?

I'm asking what you're doing here?

This is the grave of Uhlans who died
fighting for Poland's independence.

TO THE SOLDIERS OF THE 22ND UHLAN REGIMENT

It was a good Thursday, I'd say.

Uh, hey,
can I ask you something?

Yeah, sh**t.

How would you rate your experience
right now?

It was good, right?

Mmm, it was.

Uh, I wonder if there's something, uh,
that you'd like to improve.

Didn't you like it?

Yeah, it was nice for sure.

Nice?

Those are practically the same words,
right? "Nice" and "good."

No, it's not.
Those are two different things.

- I didn't mean to upset you.
- It's okay. I'm not upset.

It's cool, totally.

Mmm. We just had sex,
and I'd like it if we could talk about it.

Like adults.

You could just say you didn't like it.

I just wanted to know
what could've been done better.

I was your perspective. Please.

I can be better.

I can go again three times.

Give me five minutes.

Or seven.

I'll just get some fresh air.

Ferdinand Magellan,

please accept Paweł Augustyniak
into your circle.

Vasco da Gama,
accept Paweł Augustyniak into your circle.

Neil Armstrong,
accept Paweł Augustyniak into your circle.

Oh, come on!

I know it is bad manners
to speak ill of the dead,

but this is all a bit much,
don't you think?

Excuse me. Who are you?

Me? I brought a letter
that's signed by Neil Armstrong.

He wanted me to say,
"None of you are explorers."

"You're hobbyists, and that's all you are.
Sincerely, from Heaven."

WHEN YOU WANTED TO MAKE A SEX TAPE

AN APP FOR HARDCORE PLAYERS

You wanna get that?

No, I'll let it ring.

It can wait, and we were doing so well,

so, you know,
we can continue where we left off.

Sounds good.

I didn't have my backpack on earlier.

Oh, right.

And I think earlier
I was positioned more like this. There.

Well, it looks like we need
to find new contacts elsewhere.

- If he meant something to you, sorry.
- No, Paweł was always a clod.

Then why did you come to this clown party?

Because that's what one should do.

Well, it's enough the other ones did.
You don't have to do it too.

"Ones." Oh, that's funny.

Maks? Maks!

Wait, is it over? Already?

Uh, hello, Jarek.
Well, yeah, it seems to be over.

f*cking hell.

All because of those f*cking bus lanes.

Jarek Kraszko.

Monika Nowicka.

It's really nice to see you, Maks.

And congratulations!
You've finally got a business to run.

Wow. You're running a business?

- No, it's just...
- That's ridiculous.

Haven't boasted to your lady yet?

Maksy has got a big start-up
that he's running,

Sexi... uh...

whatever.

So, he's worth holding on to.

I'm f*cking off. Really good to see you.

- Nice meeting you.
- But...

I didn't know you were running a start-up
named Sexi-whatever.

So, you have your lady to boast to?

No, he must've misunderstood is all.

Monika, you're the CEO.
I just want to help you.

Really?

Or maybe you'd rather have us fail,
is that it?

You operate on the patient,

but if anything goes wrong,
you'll steal his watch right then.

That's the f*cking doctor you are. Hmm?

Where are you going?

I don't need a ride from you.

Yes, Paulina?

Sexiguy?!

You're kidding.

Okay. On the way.

Listen, you can give me a ride after all.

Know this, I'm watching you.

Um, what if it's important?

No. I'm sure it's fine.

You know, uh...

It's gotten a bit cold anyway, so...

maybe we should head back?

I wanted to tas... Um, tas...

to taste...

What did you want?

...to taste...

To taste...

- What do you want to taste?
- ...your c*ck.

I need to get that.

Sexiguy. Someone f*cking stole our idea.

I don't ever recall our idea
including the advice,

"You're a stud,
show your mare what you got there."

They're using our code, yeah,
but it's just a bunch of memes.

ALWAYS START ON TOP!
FIND OUT WHY!

SPEAK IN A DEEP VOICE

Except that guys are using it.

The guy I was with
told me his buddy said this app was great.

I'd just blow this off.

They'll do it for a while,
then get bored and shut the app down.

- You underestimate them.
- Who?

Uh, guys. They don't give up.

I don't know who did this sh*t,

but I bet he thinks he's Vasco da Gama
or Indiana Jones. And he won't give up.

LILITH: I RUINED YOUR DATE:(

This could really hurt us.

I SAID THE WISH OUT LOUD!

- Paulina.
- What?

What do you think?

I, uh,
I think I'll go back to my research.

Attagirl. Go get them all.

Okay, Mom.

YOU CAN STILL MAKE UP FOR IT

We have to figure out
who exactly is behind this

before Małgorzata finds out.

IF SHE SAYS SIZE DOESN'T MATTER

IT MEANS YOURS IS TINY

Sorry.

You came.

Yeah, I made it.

- How was the date?
- Depends which one.

Actually, no. Horrible.

Let's go. I'll show you around.

Sorry for the lack of a carriage.

Wow.

Hi, Paulina.

Hey.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Oops.

This way.

I've got it!

The authors?

No, the address.

I was trying to hack their system
and get the IP.

This is why I love you. You're a brainiac.

I wasn't able to do it.

How'd you get the address?

I put "Sexiguy" into a search engine.

17 Sierakowska Street, R&G LLC.

R&G.

- Let's go and visit.
- Where?

17 Sierakowska Street.

- Isn't it a bit late?
- No.

I heard that they stay open 24 hours
for the girls they stole from.

Hmm.

SEXI GROUP CHAT:
DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR RESEARCH

WE'RE ONTO THEM

AND WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!

These were also made by my friends.

You've got talented friends.

You should introduce me to them.

Mmm-hmm.

Not tonight though.

What's on for tonight?

Hmm.

I think I'll be a l*sbian.

You think so?

Am I not allowed?

"I think I'll be a l*sbian."

What is it?

Have you fallen in love with a woman?

Anne Hathaway
I've always found attractive.

All right.

Have you ever ended up with a stomachache

because your friend
hadn't texted you back in five hours?

Or during a school dance discovered
the person you really wanted to go with

that night was Basia or Kasia
instead of Paweł?

I was hoping for Krzyś.

- But he did have long hair.
- Mm-hmm.

But tonight felt really good.

Because I'm really good.

You are.

That's irrelevant though
because it's not a thing you choose.

I'm sorry to tell you this, Paulina,
but the thing is, you're straight.

Well, f*ck.

Yeah.

My condolences.

GERARD, 47
CARPE DIEM, I AM WHAT I AM

ALEK, 43
AMATEUR FLORIST

ŁUKASZ, 28
IN LIFE, ONLY MOMENTS ARE BEAUTIFUL

TOMEK, 41
LOOKING FOR A WIFE

ZYGMUNT, 55, RETIRED TEACHER
I LOVE AIR SHOWS AND MUSHROOMS

It's right here.

Are you sure?

What?
Did think it would be Silicon Valley?

STAR GARAGE

What now?

Out here! It's Sexify!

But...