02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

DID YOU GET THE MONEY?

YES, THANK YOU! WE'RE ON IT!

Sexify is back!

Yes, we did it!

If you're going to look at me

while I pleasure myself,
I want to look at you.

AN APP FOR GUYS

I just think men are simple.

I need a light bulb screwed in.

Hmm.

AN APP FOR MEN

SEXI GROUP CHAT
LET'S GET STARTED. FIRST STEP: ANY IDEAS?

Hello, Ms.

Welcome to Sexify.

Since you're here,
that means sex is a priority for you,

just like it is for us.

Welcome.

Hmm. That's a really good deepfake.

How can I help you, sir?

- I'm here for Ms. Monika Nowicka.
- Oh, let me get the door for you.

It's okay. I have my own card.

Oh!

Want a sandwich?

Oh, thank you.

Coffee?

- Coffee?
- Yes, that would be lovely.

- Here you go.
- Mm.

- Juice, sir?
- Oh.

Thank you.

Do you know
where I can find Monika Nowicka?

Over there.

Who are you?

May I help you with something?

Yes.

All of these people...

will have to be fired.

Well, you know I've got to tell you,

you've really chosen a daring dress
for this.

Well, yeah, but it's just...

we're already past
the three-month honeymoon phase

and now it's gotten stale.

Well, the thing is, darling,

you haven't played your cards right.
Now your man is getting bored with you.

- Mm.
- You have to keep men at a distance.

Sometimes you have to be unavailable.

Just don't pick up the phone, by mistake.

You really are quite the guy whisperer.

A guy whisperer
in an eight-year relationship, darling.

And the fire is still there.

And the fire is still there.

MONIKA: LET'S GET STARTED.
FIRST STEP: ANY IDEAS?

PAULINA: OUR FIRST STEP IS ADAM!

Hmm.

What I meant is... What I meant is...

Two hundred zlotys.

What I meant is... Is it...

Is it true what they say about these?

Don't understand.

Well, I heard that..

Is this...

What I mean... I heard that...

Is this... Well...

What I meant is...

Does this

work as a

male aphrodisiac?

Aphrodisia?

Do... you know if they work?

Do you think it works?

And the fire is still there.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE AVAILABLE

NATALIA: I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE AVAILABLE
I'VE GOT PLENTY TO DO TODAY

Not have the time, sometimes, by mistake...

Not have the time...

I forgot about the sh**t today.

This is the second photoshoot
this quarter.

Sorry, who is that?

Małgorzata's emissary
came here to watch us work.

Hi. Maks Oleksiak.
I'm here to work with you all.

I've already spoken with Monika,
so I guess you're Natalia.

Uh, Natalia, would you mind just, uh,

briefly telling me
what you do around here?

Mm. It's difficult to say.

Today,
my agenda involved cloud permissions

and Kubernetes auto-scaling.

Mm.

I didn't understand a word, but...

Mm... that sounds great.

Ready for the sh**t? Good morning.

Hello, uh, Maks Oleksiak.

So then, I guess you are Paulina.
Is that right?

That's right.

Do you have a moment before the sh**t,

so you can talk to me, uh,
about what you do here at Sexify?

Mm-hmm. Uh, I'm responsible
for the graphic design...

Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, learning how to do it.

Ah, right.

I saw the tuition invoices.

Hmm.

All right, the whole Sexify family! Smile!

Super! Even bigger now!

- Yes! Smile! Big smile!
- Sexify!

This is your best day
at Sexify. You love it here.

Sexify!

Um, are you part of the family too?

I suppose you could say that. Yes.

All right, just stop! Two-minute break.

Stop. Enough. Sorry.

Let's keep going. Super.

Listen up, I'll go deal with that gnome,
and you work on the app.

Did you figure out the first step?

Yes. I've created
a questionnaire for Adam.

Um, what he likes,
what he'd improve in his sex life.

Super.

It doesn't make sense.

To create an algorithm,
we need a large test group

that we can ask those questions to.

Um, all right. Do you know where
we could find a lot of guys right away?

Hmm?

I might have an idea.

All right, men. Let's do this!

I will never understand this.

What's that?

Computer simulations proved a while ago
that the optimal strategy for survival

is cooperation. The military is a relic.

I don't know.

Certain old things have their charm,
you know?

- And speaking of old things...
- Hello.

Mariusz will be shocked
when he gets a look at the new Paulina.

Knock it off, that's silly.

I-F-Y.

WOMAN

Sexify.

Woman Magazine wrote
that we're a stepping stone

to destroy the toxic patriarchy
and toxic masculinity as well.

To sum it up.
Sir, can we count on your cooperation?

To sum it up, no.

What? Why not?

Listen up ladies,

we are in the army.

- And you want to ask my subordinates...
- About their sex life.

Sex, sex, sex.

It's all the talk.

And the boys are going cuckoo over it.

Do you ladies know
what the pilots of our allied troops did

with Super Hornet fighters?

Hmm?

I don't think we do.

They drew penises,

big dicks

with the planes.

With trails of smoke
right there in the sky.

t's embarrassing for us. A disgrace.
And a discredit to the army.

This will lead to more of that.

Those apps of yours.

It seems to me
like you could be doing a lot worse things

with those Super Hornet fighters
than draw dicks in the sky.

so excuse me if I'm not upset.

If you men would occasionally let
someone else help you

and vent those frustrations you've got,

maybe those fighters
or this entire idiotic army,

your whole outdated institution
of the military

wouldn't be necessary.

I think maybe
we should talk more about the article.

It's incredible
how many redundant positions you have.

It's actually impressive in its own way.

Well thank you, Maks, for your feedback.

We'll look into it.
Please send an email to Marlena.

Oh, you need to fire her too.

Why don't you just let me decide
who should or shouldn't get fired, okay?

Unfortunately, I can't.

Unfortunately, I am the CEO.

That's true,

but it doesn't mean much
without Małgorzata's money.

All right, listen man,
I can't just fire them today.

The photoshoot.

All right, I understand.

I'll do it.

No way.

This is my company.

Mine!

You know, it's silly, but...

...whenever I get asked
to come into the bosses office,

I feel like...

I'm always scared I'll get fired.

Really? Every time?

Um, I saw a statistic once and it said

that 80% of things we are afraid of

they won't actually happen.

Hmm.

- That's very interesting.
- Right. It sounds plausible, yes.

If only I could

tell this brain that it should believe it.

All right, then.
Tell me, what's this about?

So about that other 20%.

I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, I have to let you go.

I have to let you go.

We're letting you go.

Using the words "idiotic army"
was inappropriate.

Yes, definitely. We are impressed
by all of your efforts and sacrifice...

Enough!

I want you to leave our base right now!

Paulinka?

All right, at ease, everyone. You can go.

So? Would you be able to help?

Paulinka, I told you to call me "Dad."

Right. Wouldn't that be a bit awkward now?

Oh, yeah. That's true.
I guess it's a little awkward.

Uh, right.

Where can I find Mariusz?

Mariusz...

Well after all the stuff with you,
Paulinka, Mariusz decided he would

go and himself elsewhere.

Bringing it back to why we're here.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, uh, about our request.

You were really close, practically family.

We almost were.

You almost were which is is still family.

So I think we can count on some support
in this situation, right?

Taking your past into consideration.

Hmm.

I won't do it. I refuse to work with him.

You've met Maks then.

Yes.

You said that if we didn't go with you,

that business men would show up
and tell us what to do.

And we went with you.

And what happened?

A man arrives
and tells me I need to give my car back.

Maks is harmless.
And at this point, you need an advisor.

Well,
then you should find someone else for me.

Maks is my best man.

He is?
Are we talking about the same guy here?

All right. Listen, Monika.

I understand why you're angry.

But should I remind you where we started?

You've regained the ability to act,
so act now.

And let me help you.

I'm aware he can get

really irritating
with his love of procedures.

But he's got many merits.
He'll stay loyal.

So use his experience and his knowledge.

You can use him like a tool.

No emotions.

Jesus Christ!

I think you know how to do that.

So he made you start saving too?

The food here is delicious, Polish,
and most importantly comes quick.

One thing you should know about me,

I greatly value my time.

Okay, come on.

I'll put it all in.

How often is it that you have sex?

Often.

All right then.
And how often would you like to have sex?

Well, I'm hardly ever not having sex,
but more would be great.

Hi, girls.

- How many sexual partners have you had?
- I'd say 78.

Write it down.

Interesting. So many? Really?

- Including one Brazilian.
- Ready to storm the beach always.

It's really amazing when you think of it.

When you have sex,
does your partner always have an orgasm?

Always.

Every time.

Your p*nis, how large is it?

Tell you when to stop.

Stop.

Do you ever
have any trouble getting an erection?

It stands at attention always.

And the other thing is, it's very thick.

Do you enjoy having sex each time?

- I sure do.
- You sure do.

I sure do.

Those chicks heard my stories

and got soaking wet.

Don't forget to bring your mop in!

Next one, please.

Uh, there's absolutely nothing to improve.

For me, sex is frequent.

It's long
and with a lot of different girls.

Uh-huh,
you want, um, what their names are?

Um... It's, um, Magda. Definitely Magda.

Um.

Kaśka.

Aśka.

Those are real people.

- Is something wrong with the lubes?
- No, no. No. No. Everything's okay.

This one
our customers are very happy with.

I know that.

Kids.

They grow up so fast.

Knock it off.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE DINNER
TO COME TO THE OFFICE?

Okay, Maciek, good of you to come over,
but you've gotta go.

It's your anniversary or something?

You know, we can eat oysters whenever.

SORRY, WE'RE AT A MILITARY BASE,
I'LL TELL YOU LATER! I'LL BE BACK LATE!

I'M NOT AT THE OFFICE.
DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK.

Girlfriends make you all crazy.
That's why I don't have one.

Yeah, I'm sure that's why.

See ya.

NATALIA: I'M NOT AT THE OFFICE.
DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK.

Well, if sex is anything like w*r is,
we can feel safe with an army like that.

How are we supposed to help guys
who don't have any problems?

How does it square away
with your experience with Adam?

It's practically the same.

- Does Adam like Brazilians?
- What? I don't know.

I was just kidding.

Evening, ladies.

- Hi.
- Wanna take a ride through the woods?

What? Don't you want to see the woods?

Relax. You're safe here.

- No, thank you.
- You'll loosen up. Come on.

Alcohol causes irreversible brain damage.

Yeah? I'll risk it.

You want it, don't you?

Yes.

Well, I think so.

I have a cannon for you.

A very large cannon.

Thank you.

Well, uh, that's very nice of you.

No. I wouldn't say nice.

Okay.

It's very not nice.

So would you like to get demolished?

What? What do you mean?

Will you be my b*tch?

Um, wait, no, um... That's very not nice.

That's right. I'm not nice.

No, really. I mean, you are...

...not nice.

Me?

Mm-hmm.

I think it's lame.

Mega... lame.

Every day.

Even two to three times.

Wow. That's a lot.

A whole lot of p*rn*graphy.

Finding time for all those girls
must really be difficult.

What girls?

Well...

the ones you mentioned during the study.
Those girls.

What do you want from me?

I couldn't...

...say there was hardly anyone.

And every morning I wake up,

act like I have it together,
and just try to make it to evening.

Well, if it really is that bad,

then I don't understand.

I don't want to be in the army.

Are you happy now?

Very.

Sexify's chances for survival
just got higher.

- We're not done yet.
- What else?

Paulina.

Uh, do you want her number?

I'm afraid you're not her type.

Paulina has to be fired.

There's no way in hell I'm firing her.

Uh, yes,
I understand that she is your friend.

You've got to be realistic about this.

We're paying for her tuition,
and honestly,

graphic design is the last thing
you need to worry about at Sexify.

She's redundant here, Monika. Sorry.

I'll think it over.

- Uh, do you need a ride?
- I don't.

We're going different directions.

Bye.

Tell me if you'd like anything else.

No, it's fine.

Sure about that?

I'm sure.

Well, if that's the case,
then you'll have to pay for the champagne.

You told me it was on the house, right?

Well, that's not true anymore.

So, charge it to my room.
Then it will be on my house.

I changed my mind.

I'll pay at reception.

Dude, I can't wait for my leave.

When I get to her place,
I'm gonna plow through her. I'm so horny.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
DINNER TO COME TO THE OFFICE?

I'M NOT AT THE OFFICE.
DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK.

Whoa!

Bodzio the Conqueror!

Get you wieners up! A lady is coming!

King Bodzio!

Step aside!

We have to talk right now.

They're all lying.

I don't know why they weren't honest.

I don't get why they would lie to us.

I just wanted to let you know
that I feel a lot better now.

Thanks for letting me talk it out.

Why don't you talk with the guys?

Maybe they'd also... open up?

That would help us a lot.

Not a word to the guys!

You can't tell them anything!

Hot wiener coming up!

- You see? They're crazy.
- That means there's still hope.

For us, those guys, and the app.
We just need a different approach.

What are you thinking?

Like you did today.

Emotional reconnaissance.

Listen up, I need you to help me.

I need you to help me with a dating app.

Monika?

Paulina's staying.

I found another way to save. My hotel.

That works. All right, super.

So, I live here.

You can get out.

See you tomorrow.

Cezanne, Gauguin, Van Gogh,
Murakami, Hemingway, Ernest and Taco.

Is that really your bio?

Well, I've listed my favorite artists.

Paulina, I appreciate what you tried to do
but it makes no difference.

Why?

Well, we read bios.
Guys only look at photos though.

Give me a look that says,

"I'm the horniest chick
in a three-kilometer radius."

- Okay?
- Okay.

Nuh-uh! That's two.
I need three. I need three.

What I'm looking for
is someone interesting,

extraordinary, and remarkable.

Nah... Stop, stop, stop.
Say want someone normal.

For guys that's a really big compliment.

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION REASONS

ATHEROSCLEROSIS, DIABETES, LIVER FAILURE

BRAIN TUMOR

Well, f*ck.

CHECK IF YOU GET ERECTION AT ALL

Mm.

- ♪ Never was praised by my father ♪
- ♪ Never was praised by my father ♪

- ♪ My grandpa, he said why bother? ♪
- ♪ My grandpa, he said why bother? ♪

- ♪ My brother said only suckers whine ♪
- ♪ My brother said only suckers whine ♪

- ♪ He is no kin of mine ♪
- ♪ He is no kin of mine ♪

Oh, f*ck!

Don't stop.