Last Train to Fortune (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Last train to Fortune

left here at 12:05.

No, you didn't get here till 12:15.

I know that, 'cause that's when

I start closing up around here.

The next train to Fortune

doesn't come here for another week.

Now, how you spend that time

is your own business.

All I'm saying is that

the gentleman that was kind enough

to transport me to this rail

station outpost,

he assured me that the train to Fortune

leaves at 1:05 PM.

- And he told you wrong.

- What am I ever to do?

I simply must be in Fortune by

Monday morning at the very latest.

Preston City is only about

a mile back that way.

There's a livery there,

and you can get a horse.

It's a two-day ride from Preston

to Fortune.

You play your cards right,

you can be trotting in there

about this time Sunday.

But I wouldn't let any grass grow

under you. I'd get a move on.

The Wild West.

Well, gentlemen, ladies,

we'd better rest for a few moments.

We have a long hot walk ahead of us.

Perhaps a few pages of Homer

will reinvigorate and inspire us

for our own arduous odyssey ahead.

What the devil?

Oh, if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear that was a b*llet hole.

- Don't turn around.

- It is a b*llet hole!

- Good God. I'm being burgled.

- I said don't turn around!

Just a mere reflex, sir.

No, ill intent meant.

- Empty your pockets.

- Oh, well, I don't have anything.

So yeah, please, sir.

I am very ticklish.

Oh, no sir please, it's all the money

I have. It's everything, God!

- Give me your valuables.

- I only have my school ring here, here.

And the watch.

You don't want this old watch,

surely sir,

it's worthless and the clasp is broken.

I only keep it for sentimental reasons.

Belonged to my father.

It was passed down

through the generations.

My dear departed father,

he was the most important person

in the world to me

- and gentle and learned...

- Shut up!

My father had that watch

engraved for me

with his favorite inspirational quote.

What's in the bags?

Oh that, sir, I beg you, sir.

You don't want what's in that bag.

It is, it's worthless.

It's just, oh, no...

- Oh. Books?!

- Yeah.

There ain't nothing in here

but stupid books.

Yes. They're just stupid books.

You're absolutely right.

- You a salesman?

- No, sir. I'm a pedagogue.

A peda... what?

- An educator.

- Huh?

- Sir? I'm a school master.

- School. Screw school. Now. Move.

- Please, sir, you've got the watch...

- I said shut up.

Oh, boots. No Levis.

Just a bunch of p*nsy sh*t. Typical.

Yes. It's just my underwear, sir.

You surely...

Now, if you know what's good for you,

you'll just keep sitting there

till I'm clean out of here.

You understand old man?

I'll remain ever so still,

you have my word.

I beg your pardon, sir. Sir, Sir!

If I may borrow just one more moment

of your time.

Whoa!

- Great Scott, impressive aim, sir!

- Don't try to butter me up.

Now you either ain't right in the head

or you got a death wish.

Oh, well, believe me,

under ordinary circumstances

I would never disobey such a decisive

command. But alas I'm desperate.

And we all know

what a Hippocrates said.

- Who?

- You know Hyp... Anyway...

He said desperate times call

for desperate measures.

No? Oh, well. No matter.

I'm merely stating that I would never

be so brazen as tempt fate like this

if I wasn't such a desperate man.

You're about to be a dead man.

I should specify.

I thought I was going to Fortune

and I unfortunately

missed the last train.

And I must be in Fortune by Monday.

Hence, a teacher can't be late

for the first day of school.

How about I offer you

a business proposition?

- A what?

- I mean, please forgive my presumption,

but it seems blatantly obvious

that you are a man in need of funds.

I mean, you've already taken all

I had on my person,

but I can offer you further compensation

when we get to Fortune.

- When we get to Fortune?

- Exactly. Yes.

You see, I'm the New School Master

of Fortune.

I have a stipend waiting for me

upon my arrival.

My first month's salary in full.

If you would escort me to Fortune

in time for Monday morning's bell.

I will be ever so happy to pass it

over to you.

- How much?

- A month's pay.

For a mere two day trip to Fortune.

Do we have an agreement, sir?

Oh, Jesus. I'll be right there, sir.

Hello? Hello, sir.

Hey, you have an agreement.

I won't be one snippet of trouble.

I make a superb traveling companion.

I have some wonderful books

for the journey.

- I ain't got no interest in reading.

- What?

Well, perhaps you're just

not reading the right books.

I mean, you know, reading it's a gift.

Challenges the imagination

and enables one to experience many

lives and countless adventures.

I live out real adventures.

I don't need to read about nobody else's.

You got a horse?

Well, well, um, that is part

of the problem. You see?

Uh, I was going to take the train.

But I'd be very happy

just to walk alongside yours.

You're in luck.

So I just happen to be passing

right through Fortune.

Yes.

And if, and you want to walk

all that way next to my horse,

I guess that's your business.

But if you breathe one word

about me holding you up,

I'll blow your head off

from them spindly shoulders.

Fear not. My lips are sealed.

I'm forever in your debt.

Thank you so much.

I'm coming right behind you.

Oh, look, Hang on, sir. God.

Hang on!

Let's go.

That is certainly some steed, sir.

It's all right.

I've got this. I'm keeping up.

Look not to question

your navigational prowess,

but wouldn't be a lot easier just

to follow the railway lines.

We're taking a shortcut.

Leave them behind.

- What do you mean leave them behind?

- I said leave them.

- They're slowing us down.

- Alright.

I can acquire new undergarments

in Fortune,

yes, but my books, no, my books

are irreplaceable, Sir.

I will never leave these books.

I mean, what is a teacher

without books?

Well, you're going, no one's gonna

give one dime about damn books.

I respectfully must agree

to disagree.

My sole purpose of traveling

from England to the New World

...was to teach

the wide-eyed waifs of Fortune.

Hey, what are you doing now?

I cannot allow you to take my books.

You, you can't do that, sir.

You, you mustn't do that.

Please! I mean, everything that I'm

is in these books, sir!

I must have them to teach.

Please.

Oh, oh, wonderful idea.

Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, saddlebacks.

I wonder what they were for.

Wonderful!

You are a very reasonable man, Mr...

I don't think I quite caught your name,

mister...

Alright, I'll go first.

My name is Cecil Caldecott

Peach Tree III from London, England.

- At your service, sir. And you are...

- Dooley, Jedidiah Dooley.

But don't you never tell no one

my name.

Yes. Mum's the word though.

Mum's the word.

Mr. Dooley, clearly we English

have been harboring a false impression

of your Americans.

I mean, the stories we hear

about Lawless American West,

I mean clearly nonsense, erroneous.

In actuality you are a friendly

and obliging lot.

Oh, we ain't all so friendly.

Better mount up fast.

- I beg your pardon?

- Get in the saddle quick.

- Do you know those two gentlemen?

- Gentlemen they ain't.

Now move your a*s. Hurry up, old man.

- Right, right, right.

- Come on!

- Get your foot in the saddle.

- I've never mounted a stallion before.

- Gimme a minute.

- We ain't got a minute. Up!

- Wait a minute. This can't be right.

- Come on!

Ouch! You're whipping me?

Mr. Dooley. They catching up.

- Now they sh**ting at us.

- Well, then duck, God damn it!

- Come on, lean to your left.

- I feel sick.

Your other left.

Come on!

- I mean, we lost them.

- There we go. Bully! Jesus!

Watch where you're sh**ting

that thing, idiot!

- You okay?

- Oh, well, that was exciting.

Ah, yeah. They were. Yes.

What the hell are you doing facing

that way for, turn your a*s around.

- God dammit.

- Whoa!

I've got cramp.

Cramp. There you go.

Come on. Get your a*s back up on here.

Do it the right way this time.

Who, pray tell, were those hooligans?

What could they possibly have wanted?

I mean, it seems to me

that they might have found

a more civilized method

of handling the situation.

I mean, perhaps if we'd had

a courteous conversation with them,

maybe they'd listen to reasons.

You're a teacher?

Got a lot to learn, old man.

Well, this is certainly

more than we'd bargained for.

We've already been abandoned

on the rail depot,

held under gunpoint

and chased and shot at by bandits.

Oh, if only father could see us now.

I dare say it gives one

a certain feeling of exhilaration.

We, who's we?

Oh, why William Shakespeare,

Alfred Lord Tennyson,

Charles Dickens, Henry David Thoreau,

Jane Austen.

- Who?

- The authors of my books.

They're like family to me. I mean,

surely you've heard of some of them.

Nope. I ain't never heard of none

of those names.

Oh, heavens. Triple negative.

I think what you meant to say is,

I haven't ever heard

of any of those names.

Hey, if, and you want this trip

to go nice and smooth,

like never ever tell me

what I mean again. Got it?!

Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, of course.

Force of professional habit.

I mean, I'll try.

Yeah, I'll try my best.

- Try real hard, Huh?

- Sorry, sorry.

Of course.

You know, being an only child,

I didn't have the companionship

of a sibling.

So I sought my refuge in books.

The characters were so vivid to me.

I mean, I'm not suggesting

that I was a lonely child.

Quite the contrary.

My mother was a social butterfly.

The most wonderful dinners

that she gave.

I met the most extraordinary people

from all strata of society.

I remember wonderful dinner party

she gave

and invited a very famous conductor,

actually for dinner.

He passed wind. And we were giggling.

We had to leave the room.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- What?

Keep quiet.

Stand up real slow, like...

- Whatever for?

- Get up.

No sudden movements. Okay?

Don't wanna spook the man.

Howdy!

Dear Lord! He's approaching us.

Just keep smiling at him.

Let me do the talking.

Oh yeah. Wool tweed from London.

Nice wool.

Don't make a move.

- Okay. Stay still.

- Good heavens. What does he want?

He'll let us know. Then he'll leave.

Hopefully.

Oh, it's my books.

He cannot have my books.

I wouldn't tell it him that.

Books you like, nice. Take your pick.

Oh, don't encourage him, Mr. Dooley.

- Keep your trap shut.

- But he can't have them. I forbid it!

Don't listen to him, Chief.

You take whatever you want.

Fine.

If you must have a book,

I suggest this one.

It's a seminal work.

What?

You can still read it, you just read

around the hole.

No.

This you will like.

Walden, Henry David Thoreau.

Yes, it's about a naturalist

similar to yourself.

Now the book is a reflection

of simple living in natural surroundings.

Perheps...

He can't understand you.

Thoreau?

I've read it.

You see Mr. Dooley reading unites

cultures of around...

No, please.

You want my Dickens?

You got it, chief.

All yours, buddy.

I'm afraid you won't like that one.

It's far too dense.

Oh, it has too many characters.

Very hard to understand.

No. Oh, for me?

- Take it.

- Chief, please.

What is this?

That's too sour for my palate.

Well, I'll have you note

that gentleman just walked off

with the selected works of Dickens.

And for what?

A small sack of sour berries.

Well, that's hardly a worthwhile

exchange, in my opinion.

I'm totally grief stricken.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

Now move.

- This part reminds me of Whales.

- The big fish?

No, the country of Whales.

You know, though, we mourn the loss

of our beloved Charles Dickens,

at least we have William Shakespeare

to enliven our spirits.

There's a certain civility one feels

when traveling with The Old Bard.

- Wouldn't you agree?

- Huh?

Would you care to read it?

I mean, it's quite delicious.

The only delicious thing I want right

now is some fricassee rabbit.

Let's see if we can't k*ll one

before it gets too dark.

What? What do you mean k*ll?

You mean dead?

You know my housekeeper,

Mrs. Wilberforce, oh God.

She prepared all my meals.

Oh, she was a saint.

Especially for a man not blessed

with the wife of his own.

- He's a fat one.

- Oh Lord, he's so cute.

Look, I'd be content with the chief's

berries. You know, sours, they are.

- Watch out!

- Jesus, look what you did!

- Oh, the poor little thing.

- Get your a*s back to the campsite.

Let me handle this without you

breathing all down my damn neck.

Don't you have beans?

I mean, old cowboys have beans.

- What?

- Skin it!

What? I, I will do no such thing!

Well, maybe in merry old England,

you eat rabbit different.

But out here, we skin 'em and cut out

the guts before we cook 'em.

- I'm gonna get some firewood.

- Honestly, Mr. Dooley,

I think I'd be far superior

at gathering firewood

than at skinning prey.

Would it at all be possible

to trade off?

I did the k*lling.

Now you do the skinning.

God, oh dear.

My deepest apologies

for the indignities

that you are about to suffer.

Finger licking good.

The larks on the wing,

the snails on the thorn,

God is in heaven.

- All's right with the world.

- Quit that Bible reading.

If I wanna hear God talk,

I go to church.

I can't imagine you wanting

to go to church all that often.

Shows what you know.

My mama God rest her soul,

she used to drag me to church

every Sunday

to beat the good Lord

into her hell spawn.

Yeah, I hated it.

But looking back now,

it's about the only good memories

I got with her before she got sick.

I suppose you are right, though.

I ain't been to church

in a co*n's age,

but that don't mean I ain't right

with God.

Me and him, we, we got an understanding.

He gets me.

I'm sure he does.

And by the way, for your information,

this is not the Bible.

This is Robert Browning.

Not to be too presumptuous, but, um,

I gather your education was limited.

The only learning one needs to know

out here is how to sh**t straight

and how to count your money.

You see, that's where I beg to differ.

Mr. Dooley.

Practical knowledge of one's trade

is of course certainly important.

But a broader education is the tool

that breaks down all barriers.

Speaking of education,

I've been wondering.

How come an educated fellow like you

is going to Fortune?

I mean, it's just a spit buck

in the middle of nowhere.

Well, sir, if truth be known.

I was dismissed from my last post

for a gruesome display

toward my superior.

- Wait, you was fired from teaching?

- Regrettably and shamefully. Yes.

- What'd you do? Gruesome librarian?

- I struck the headmaster.

You, you thumped the boss?

I mean, it feels, if it wasn't me at all,

but some pagan,

some loathsome creature

who overtook my senses.

- But alas, it was me.

- So, what did you wallop the old geezer.

Well, I had a very bright pupil,

And he was reading an essay

he'd written on the possibility

that we humans have descended

from tiny microscopic organisms

- inspired by Darwin. You know.

- Wait, who?

A rather iconoclastic biologist.

Nonetheless, he said,

Darwin points out rather aptly

that perhaps man evolved

from tiny one celled organisms

to his present state.

Well, much to our surprise,

the headmaster was listening at the door.

And before we even had a chance

to debate the topic,

he just burst into the room

and screamed,

"How dare you blaspheme

under this roof, you heathen?

God is the only creator of man."

And then he took the stick

and started to beating poor Barnabas.

That's when the beast rose

from within me.

I snatched the rod from him

in a fit of uncontrollable rage

I struck the poor man across

the head.

And I said to him,

in a trembling tone,

"Sir, don't you ever strike

one of my students ever again."

Holy sh*t! Good on you, boy.

Um, it was a momentary victory,

I'm afraid.

After I was dismissed, I couldn't get

a post anywhere in England.

So I decided that it was time

to move to the New World.

But alas, my tarnished reputation

had already preceded me

at all the finer American academies.

And it turns out

I was unhireable here too.

It was then that I saw an advert

in the Boston Gazette.

"The town of Fortune is looking

for a teacher". So I wrote.

And they responded

with a letter of acceptance.

End of one chapter,

the beginning of another.

Why don't you just give up teaching

and find another job?

Give up teaching? Never.

You see, Mr. Dooley, all I ever

wanted to do was to teach.

Where I serve and to whom I now know

is in the hands of a higher power.

Because teaching, I mean,

it's not just a job, it's my calling.

And fate has now led me

to answer that calling

in the tiny frontier town of Fortune.

You see the purpose of teaching,

it isn't just to force students

to memorize facts and dates.

It's to inspire them.

To unlock that little door

hidden deep within us all,

that gives us permission to dream...

dream of a better life ourselves.

And a better future for all.

I think back

on all those wonderful teachers

who had such an impact on my life.

I'm forever grateful to them.

I so wish I'd said something to them

because now I know just how much

that would've meant for them.

The greatest reward

that a teacher can receive

is the knowledge that he's made

a difference,

even if it's just one child's life.

Goodnight. Sweet Prince.

Get up princess. Time to ride.

There's a little coffee left.

Oh, well thank you.

Don't gimme that look.

I only gave you that blanket

'cause your teeth were chattering

so loud

it sounded like you was rattling coins

in a tin cup.

How else was I supposed

to gimme sleep?

Well, thank you just the same.

- Do you happen to have any tea?

- Don't like it. Good! More for me.

Okay. Whoa. Oh, ah.

Now get your a*s moving.

We got a lot of ground to cover today.

Do you have a shovel?

My goodness. You got us to Fortune

a whole day early.

You're amazing. Mr. Dooley. Amazing!

Oh no. This ain't Fortune.

Fortune don't look this good, this Lobo.

Now get off.

- I beg your pardon?

- We ain't riding into town piggyback.

Oh, you get off right here.

- Hey, where will I find you?

- Miss Lily's saloon.

And what about my books? Hey!

Jolly nice day for a walk!

I don't know what so jolly nice about it.

What? Hello!

Hey there, lads. Your rock hit me

on the back of head.

- It was an accident.

- Yes.

I surmised as much as a result it is

incumbent on you to apologize to me.

- There's a what on me.

- What?

Oh, uh, it, it's incumbent upon you.

Meaning it, it's a necessary duty

for you to apologize.

- Come on, let's get outta here.

- Oh, whoa. Wait, wait a minute.

Hold on there a moment.

Do lads go to school?

Nope. Not no more.

What? You relinquished

your studies at your ages?

Our teacher is dead.

Mr. Banks shot him,

for calling his son in an idiot.

Hey.

That's a note.

Don't call anyone's child an idiot.

Aces full of kings, Chip.

Four of a kind, twos.

God damn it! Desert Canery.

What's the rush, kid?

Should try your luck at another hand.

Damn dammit, Cecil.

Who creep up on a man like that.

You could get shot.

You just lost my father's beautiful

watch in a card game.

No, my watch, Old man, mine.

And by the way, it's Cecil.

We should be leaving now.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

We should be...

Look what you did to my shirt.

You're supposed to say, excuse me.

- I believe I did. Good, sir.

- Yeah, I heard him say it.

Now let him go before I put a hole

in that shirt next.

You know what I say when a young

snot nose punk is tryin' to threaten me?

Huh?

Hurley, kindly escort this gentleman

from the premises!

Now what can I get you two?

Well, look at what the jackals

dragged in.

- How you doing Dooley?

- Never better Lil.

- How about some whiskey?

- Amanda! Lover Boy is here.

And what's your pleasure,

sweet stuff?

No, nothing for me.

Thank you, ma'am.

Dooley!

It's been such a long time

this time.

I thought you was never coming back.

I'm sorry about that baby.

I've been working. I'm back now.

Oh, who is this sweet old thing?

Your grandpa?

- Him? No, he ain't my grandpa.

- Your friend?

And he definitely ain't my friend.

Actually, we are traveling companions.

Traveling companions.

He's kind of cute. Ain't he, Lil?

Uh, yeah, he sure is.

Just look at them baby blues.

Madam, charmed and enchantment.

We finally got a gentleman

in this dump.

Dooley, where a low life desperado

like you

for find a silver fox like him?

Permit me to introduce myself.

Cecil Caldecott Peachtree the third

at your service, Ma'am.

Damn mouthful. Don't you think?

"A name pronounced is the recognition

of the individual to whom it belongs.

He who can pronounce my name alright,

he can call me,

and is entitled to my love and service."

Henry David Thoreau.

Cecil here's a bookworm. Come on.

Cic, loosen up for once. Lil,

whiskey for the book, man. I'm buying.

Mr. Dooley,

I never partake in spirits,

I save for the occasional rum punch

at Christmas soires.

Wait, Mr. Dooley.

I didn't see our steed outside

when I came into the saloon.

- I mean, it wasn't stolen, I hope?

- Our steed... Ain't he something?

My books are there. It's just I can't

abide having them out of my sight.

- We simply must be going.

- Relax.

Our steed is at the livery

having shoe change.

You entrusted my beloved

traveling companions,

my rare editions

to a common frontier blacksmith.

Well, what's your hurry?

Why don't you stay a while and

have a little drink with me?

Private like...

Thank you, Ma'am, so much,

but I'm most uneasy when my books

are out of my sight.

I told you he's crazy.

Well, I got a book upstairs

if that's what turns you on, darling.

It's called the Cam-ma-sut-ra.

You ever hear of it?

Kammasutreay?

Oh the Kamasutra, hey...

Oh, well I can safely say that is one

book that I have never read.

- No, I just look at the pictures.

- It has pictures?

I can't open these buttons here.

The spittoon is for spitting in,

not for pissing. You, filthy animal!

Take it outside.

- Damn it, Lil.

- Next time I'll stab it to the wall.

You and the g*dd*mn wall, God.

I'm sorry, darling.

Now what were we saying?

Oh, yes, I was gonna buy you a drink.

Fine, but that instead of a libation,

you wouldn't happen to have

a cup of tea.

No, not with the tea again.

Come here. Come here.

Listen to me. Drink a whiskey.

I've never drunk whiskey. I mean,

not straight whiskey in my whole life.

That it's high time. You dig?

Now, if you wanna see Fortune,

drink it. Buck up!

Oh, well, when in Rome...

Chi-chin.

You don't sip it like

a prissy little old lady at a doily party.

You down it like a man. Watch.

Barkeep, I'll have another!

Hey, listen.

I'll be back in a jiff,

don't afraid about that damn books.

We'll get 'em.

Where you...

- Here you go.

- For me?

I do say the taste

rather grows on one, doesn't it?

Oh yeah. I would say.

- Hello!

- Ain't that a sexy number?

It's from France. It took six months

to get here. You like it?

Like it? I love it.

I'm so glad you're staying this time,

Dooley. You know what I wish?

I wish I could go to France

someday and see Paris.

I just know I'd love it so.

Well, your wish is my command.

My baby wants to go to Paris.

My baby gets to go to Paris.

Yeah. Right.

Wait, are you being serious?

- Serious as typhoid fever, baby.

- Dooley, Dooley.

That would be the most wonderful thing

anybody has ever...

Wait a minute. How can you afford

to go to Paris?

You can barely afford a can of beans.

Oh, you just leave that to me.

I got some big ideas I'm working on.

Here I got you something to prove

my intentions.

Close your eyes

and put out your hands.

Okay, okay.

And open them.

What do you think?

Oh my God, Dooley. It is beautiful!

That one had a more full bodied

flavour.

Do I detect, uh, hibiscus?

It's all coming from the same bottle,

sweetheart.

Are you, uh, are you feeling okay?

Maybe you had enough.

You look like you might need

to lie down.

Ruckus juice.

Doesn't anyone say please

in this prepubescent country?

Well I know you.

It's the philistine

who stole my father's watch.

What the hell are you babbling about,

old-timer? And who is Phyllis?

I'm ordering you now, sir,

to hand it over post haste.

Is this what

you're talking about here?

This was yours?

Pretty ain't it?

I've grown attached to this.

What if I don't give it back to you?

What are you gonna do about it?

Careful now.

Okay.

Dooley, Dooley get downstairs.

Your little friend's in a heap

of trouble, hurry.

Oh sh*t. What the hell is it now?

- I'm sorry baby.

- It's okay. Oh, sh*t.

Dooley, hurry.

What the hell it's the matter with you?

Can't you see he's delicate.

Son of a b*tch!

You humored me earlier,

but now you've done agitated my mood.

It makes you feel good

to beat an old man?

Mr. Dooley. Let me just cover

this gentleman's cleaning bill.

- Violence is never the answer.

- Your old friend may be right.

He may be right, folks,

let's let bygones be bygones.

That's one way to get

your winnings back.

Sometimes, teach, violence is

the only answer. Did you see all that?

I certainly did.

Howdy sheriff?

Buy you a drink?

Get up, Dooley. You got company.

You can only stay a minute.

You sure know how to get a guy

in a mess of trouble, old man.

Oh, listen, I've got the most

terrible migraine.

And by the way, if my memory serves,

it was you who insisted

that I ingest that foul toxin.

Well, how was I supposed to know

you had a gag button

like a rigged penny slot machine.

Another colorful idiom.

- What'd you call me?

- The word is idiom,

a figurative, non-literal phrase.

Mr. Dooley, with your permission,

I intend to remove my property

from your saddlebags

and find an alternative escort

to Fortune.

Thank you for getting me this far.

Wait, wait. You can't trust no one

from here to take you to Fortune.

This patch of dirt is all thieves

and outlaws.

If I could just get out here,

we could be on our way.

- Bust me out.

- Good heavens! Absolutely not.

Do you want the sheriff to hear?

Now listen. You can do this.

Never. I'm a principle man.

Well, what about that kid

you were telling me about?

From, from one of them books.

What was his name again?

Oliver Twixit.

Mr. Dooley I do believe

you've been listening to me.

And you really amaze me. Of course

you are referring to Oliver Twist.

Yeah, exactly. Didn't, didn't you say

he busted out somewhere?

Ah, yes. Young master Twist breaks

free of the arduous workhouse.

A harrowing escape. That's it.

A more apt example might be

the count of Monte Cristo.

Now that's the pinnacle

of prison novel.

- See...

- That's entirely different.

I mean, pure fiction.

Look, I'm only in this cage

'cause I was sticking up for you.

Now how about you show a little

appreciation and help me out.

Absolutely not.

Shut up!

- Oh God.

- God Damn it, Dooley, shut up!

- Knock off all that racket.

- You ain't help me? Call for doctor.

Quit your belly aching

and sleep it off.

Jesus Christ!

That's blood! I'm gonna get the doc.

You hang on!

Mr. Dooley.

- Is he gone?

- Yes.

Got it handed to you, teach. Using

those berries was a damn good idea.

He totally bought it.

Well, we've got the chief

to thank for that.

That's right. Thanks Chief.

Okay, now work fast.

- Keys.

- Yes, keys. Come on. Go get 'em.

Go get 'em. That way.

- Over here.

- Okay. Did you do like I said?

I did indeed, sir.

Good, let's move.

Oh my goodness. This reminds me

of my eighth summer

when I ate all my mother's damson jam

and blamed poor Thomas Wick.

Oh, I didn't confess. And he was paddled

for it. Oh my goodness.

Sorry, mommy. Sorry, Tommy.

Come on. Get on that horse. Oh, sh*t.

What you doing boy?

Get back here, you b*stard!

Don't make me sh**t you, boy..

- Dooley!

- Coming back for you, baby.

When I can afford to take you

to Paris.

I'll be waiting, baby.

- Goodbye, Ma'am!

- Bye bye, baby blues.

Hold! Huh?

What? Dooley!

If we head out at sun up,

we'll be pulling into Fortune

just in time for Sunday supper.

How's that for service?

Miraculous. That'll give me an entire

night to get settled and organized

before the 7:00 AM Monday

morning bell.

You are indeed a man of your word,

Mr. Dooley. Thank you.

You ever get tired of reading those

same books over and over again?

No. Never.

You know, I still don't know

what's supposed to be so damn fun

about reading.

It introduces you to new ideas,

expands your knowledge.

Plus being educated opens up a whole

new world of possibilities

with regard to one's future.

I'd wager with a decent education

you'd be able to get a wonderful job.

- No, correction, career!

- You think? What makes you so sure?

Thoreau said: "It's not what you

look at. It's what you see."

I may be looking

at a fearsome outlaw,

but what I see is a bright young man

with a brilliant future ahead

of him if he wants it.

Now, look, I've selected a book for you.

This is Gulliver's travels.

It's about an adventurer

such as yourself,

but it's also a biting satire

on politics and human nature

Alright. Read it to me.

Well, I really think you'd enjoy it

more if you read it yourself.

I don't wanna read it myself.

I just want to hear it.

- You know what? Just forget it.

- Fair enough.

Mr. Dooley...

Do you use that thing often?

My six-sh**ter? Often enough.

Tell me, have you actually shot

a fellow human being with it?

You gotta be sh1tting me.

Out here everyone shoots someone.

It's like the law of the jungle.

Wild animals k*lling wild animals.

You know? There ain't no other way.

If I'm not being too bold...

Just, how many have you k*lled?

- 19.

- Oh God, 19?

One thing I could teach you, teach,

the faster g*n lives another day.

- Fascinating.

- But I never k*lled no woman

or no young'un, you know?

And I never shot no man

in the back.

- Well, bravo to that.

- Here. Wanna try it?

- sh**ting a p*stol?

- Yeah.

No. I, I don't think so.

Man. You went a*s over elbows,

got some kick, don't it?

See nothing to it.

Come on you big sissy. Try again.

No, no, no. No more. No more. No.

I know what I can't do anymore.

Oh, come on. You know what you are?

An old fart.

- I beg your pardon?

- That's right. A dusty old fart.

Comparing me to a foul wind

from the bowels. What?

Because I refuse to partake in your

silly little sh**ting customs.

Well, it's outrageous, sir.

Outrageous.

Listen, teach. This is the wild west.

You gotta know how to sh**t

to survive.

I mean, you're, you're the one

who taught me about Darwin

and all his survival

of the fittest hoo-ha.

Well, whoever shoots best

is the fittest in these parts.

Darwin... look, it's cowardly.

- Are you calling me a coward?

- If it howls like a wolf...

A wolf? What in the hell God damn

wolf have to do with anything?

- What, what are you talking about?

- It's a metaphor.

Well, you wouldn't be calling me

no coward.

If you'd have seen

how I had to use this g*n

to get myself out of a jam after jam.

I mean, you, you wouldn't believe

half the sh*t I've seen.

Hell, they should be writing books

about me for what I've been through.

And in fact, I bet if you were

reading about my adventures

in some damn book, you'd be singing

a whole different tune

about who's a coward or not.

You'd be, you'd be saying

the character of Dooley

is a romantical hero

of the American West.

Look, I was merely stating

that there are more civilized ways

to settle disputes

than to hide behind g*ns.

Says the man who ain't

never steered down the barrel of one.

Correction, I've stared down

the barrel of yours

and did having my own g*n

save me from you?

No. No, no. All I had were my words.

Please. You was never

in any real danger.

I'd have never shot an unarmed man.

Even one as annoying as you.

Although now I'm starting

to question that philosophy.

Mr. Dooley. All I'm saying is

that g*ns are not the answer...

Wrong! No, g*ns are the only answer.

There ain't no other way.

Have you ever heard of the expression

"the pen is mightier than the sword"?

No, I ain't!

Well, It's mightier than the g*n

as well.

And I hope you absorbed

that lesson before it's too late.

I really do. And it's:

"No, I haven't" by the way.

I done told you

never to correct me again!

And you done lost out on your

blanket privileges. My blanket.

Good night then.

Beautiful stars.

- Don't move.

- Snake. What a nice surprise.

Cut this sh*t.

Well, what's happening? Whoa.

What the devil, what's going on?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Down, boy.

- What's the meaning of this?

- Teach for once in your life, shut up.

Well, Dooley,

it looks like we meet again.

- You know these men, Mr. Dooley?

- Mr. Dooley. Ain't we sophisticated?

- Can I drop him now, Snake?

- In a minute.

Snake. Oh, well what a colorful,

albeit somewhat cliched nickname.

No, I mean, assuming that Snake

is not your Christian name, of course.

God, here we go again.

- Christian, you are a preacher man?

- No, I'm actually a teacher.

It's merely a term.

You know, one's Christian name

is their given forename.

- My family name is Peachtree...

- Stop!

...but my Christian name

is Cecil Peachtree.

- Mr. Dooley's is Jedidiah. You see?

- So his Christian name be Charlie.

Oh, Charlie. Uh, precisely.

Yeah. Gotcha. Hey Charlie. Huh?

Kick this piece of sh*t over here to me.

- With pleasure.

- No, no, no. Charlie. Hey.

- Ah. Oh no. Hey.

- Snake, Snake. Come on Snake.

- No need to do that, Charlie.

- Empty your pockets right now!

Okay. Empty your pockets.

Do what he says.

Sorry. I only got a hanky.

What's an old fart like you

doing riding with scum like him?

What is this country's

fascination with farts?

Speak up.

Oh, well, you see, um, I was

on my way to the town of Fortune.

Oh, please sir. Don't toy with Gulliver,

please. No.

Anyway, quite by accident,

I missed the last train

and that's when kind Mr. Dooley

agreed to escort me to the town

of Fortune.

At least don't, don't mess with Gulliver.

No! Oh, no. Gulliver! No, please!

So he's kind Mr. Dooley is he?

Travel on, sweet Gulliver.

So, did kind Mr. Dooley agree

to escort you to Fortune

before or after he robbed you?

Well, that's neither here nor there.

But sir, I simply must protest.

Burning books is a sin.

So is stealing. It looks like

you and us got something in common.

We all been swindled

by kind Mr. Dooley here.

Looks like he stole all your money

and your belongings

- just like he stole our horse.

- Your horse? Mr. Dooley!

I trusted you.

I take you in.

You didn't have nothing.

You eat my food, drank my whiskey.

I took you under my wing

and trained you.

I treated you like the son I never had.

What do I get in return?

What's my thanks? A stab in the back.

Look at me, coward!

"Et tu Brute".

What?

"Et tu Brute", it's a Latin

phrase made infamous...

when Julius Caesar recognized

his trusted friend Brutus

as one of his assassins.

It's the most legendary betrayal.

You may recognize the phrase

from the Shakespeare play.

You know, uh, Julius Caesar,

I was reminded of it when you said that.

- Shut...

- Shut up!

Alright, shutting up.

But just one thing, if I may,

just one more thing.

You see, I've gotten

to know Mr. Dooley fairly well

over our time together.

And I find him to be a man

of absolute integrity.

So I'm certain if he stole

your horse,

he had a very good reason

in doing so.

And, and you all know

what Hippocrates said.

He don't know now.

Now, will you shut?!

Of course I do. What do I look

like an idiot?

"Desperate times calls

for desperate sh*t".

Wow. Wow. Oh yes, Mr. Snake.

Excellent. Very good. Almost.

And I'm sure Mr. Dooley was

in very desperate straits indeed.

When he made the ill conceived

decision to abscond with your horse.

Now as one learned man to another.

I've got the perfect solution

to our little dilemma.

Why don't you just take your

beautiful horse back

and all the cash for your troubles

and go on your merry way.

- No harm, no foul.

- Just like that?

Just like that.

Well, it sounds kind of nice

and civilized.

You see, Mr. Dooley,

when cool heads prevail...

There's one problem.

If we do it like you say,

I won't get the satisfaction

of seeing kind Mr. Dooley's brain

splattered against that rock

right there.

Now watch and learn teacher,

'cause you're next.

- I'll see you soon, mama.

- No. Oh, no. No. Oh, no!

- Leave his books alone.

- Oh, no, no!!

Dooley, behind you!

Mr. Dooley... Mr. Dooley.

Oh, no. Mr. Do.. Mr. Dooley,

Mr. Dooley.

Oh my God! Mr. Dooley!

No, oh Lord, oh no, forgive me. It was all

my fault. Oh God, I do apologize.

Oh Lord, forgive me!

Out, out, brief candle.

Life's but a walking shadow,

a poor player.

That struts and frets

his hour upon the stage,

and then is heard no more...

It is a tale told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury.

Signifying nothing.

Mr. Dooley. Praise the Lord.

You are alive. Thank goodness!

- Are you alright?

- Yeah. Yeah. Get off of me.

Alright.

- Oh, God, oh!

- Be careful...

Don't put any weight on it.

Mr. Dooley, sir.

Is he is... is he, he dead?

- Yeah. It would appear so.

- Check, Make sure.

Mr. Dooley, I suppose

his companion Charlie is run off.

He's got a hole in his forehead,

the size of a gold sovereign.

Oh, no, no.

Well, I guess this makes

number 20 for you.

Now look, we must regain our focus.

I really must attend

to your wounds, sir.

Oh my God!

It's gone right through. Oh, no help!

Who the hell are you yelling for?

We must get you to a physician,

Mr. Dooley.

You just need to heat up a blade,

and singe the holes

and wrap it up real tight.

I can't believe

he's really, he's...

he's really dead?

You, you... you crazy old fool.

This is all your fault.

You couldn't keep quiet, could you?

I could handle this situation

like I always done...

... but no, you and your damn

talking, and your damn books.

I shoulda let those books burn.

But no, you had me all convinced

it was so important...

He'd still be alive right now

if it wasn't for you.

All they wanted was their

damn horse back.

Begging the gentleman's pardon.

But it would appear

that they wanted a little more

than just their horse back.

I mean, Mr. Snake,

he didn't seem to be satisfied

with anything

other than our brains splattered

all over this rock.

Bullshit. You don't know nothing

old man.

I've been in a million jams

like this before.

A million times when it seemed

like it was curtains.

And I got out of it every time

without never having to k*ll nobody.

Oh, my... Mr. Dooley. You've never k*lled

anyone before. Have you?

Shut up.

Certainly nothing

to be ashamed of, sir.

Whatever you are feeling

is entirely normal.

I mean, taking a human life

is very profound.

And I'm so sorry that my singular

preoccupation over my books

created this chain reaction

that led to a man to lose his life.

And for this, I'm truly repentant.

But you were right, you know?

Circumstances as they presented

themselves required decisive action.

I mean, never in a million years

would've I expected myself

to sh**t at another human being.

I mean, and yet here we are.

I could have talked our way

out of here.

Impossible. No, you did the only thing,

that could been done

to save our lives.

And you fought valiantly, sir.

You, you risked your life

and saved our very souls.

Don't feel nothing

like I thought it would...

k*lling a man.

Even though, even though he lived

the life of a villain,

and even though he definitely

had it coming.

Somehow... being the one

who done did him in...

it just, just feels wrong.

It's all right. It's because

you are a compassionate man.

So a man of introspection,

that's an admirable trait.

But please remember

it was self-defense.

- I mean, you said so.

- I said a lot of things.

I guess you were right, teach...

- k*lling is for cowards.

- No, not at all. Mr. Dooley.

It was very brave what you did.

You saved us all.

And these voices and these books

will now be heard.

They'll be allowed to inspire

new generations.

No telling the benefits of this

new land will get from that.

And that's because of you. And I

speak on behalf of everyone here:

Mr. Shakespeare, Mr. Keats,

Mr. Melville, the Brontes.

I speak for them all.

And I say a heartfelt thank you!

Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He leadeth me beside still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil:

for thou art with me;

and I shall dwell in the house

of the lord forever. Amen.

Amen.

Wait, where do you think

you're going?

- The Fortune. Where the hell else?

- In your condition?

No, no, no. That's impossible.

You must rest here.

I'll go and summon help

from somewhere.

Bullshit. I promised I'd get

you to Fortune

in time for tomorrow morning's bell.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You don't think after all this I'd let

you off from agreement? Do ya?

- Well...

- Without my money?

Yes, of course.

Listen, if we're gonna make it there

in time without having a horse,

we're gonna have to walk all damn day

and straight through the night.

You think you can handle

that old man?

- I believe I can.

- Good.

Well, let's get one thing straight

from here on out,

it'll be no more talking. Okay?

Understand?

Now that I k*lled one man,

making it two, don't make

no difference.

Understood. But at least

let me carry the books.

You'll slow us down.

You are the one who's been shot

in the leg.

Mr. Dooley...

Right on time, Mr. Dooley.

You are indeed a man of your word.

I can't thank you enough. And now,

uh, about our business arrangements.

I'm certain that by this evening,

all pertinent paperwork

will be signed

and I'll be able to settle

my debt with you.

And I ain't staying around till

this evening.

You didn't think I'd be hanging

around this sh*thole

any longer than I needed to?

Did you?

No. I suppose not.

No. But the money, sir.

It surely it won't

be released until...

- Ah, keep your damn money.

- What? Mr. Dooley?

That's, that's very generous of you.

But unthinkable.

- No, a bargain is a bargain.

- It is your money for your new job.

- I'll be fine without it.

- But what are you going to do now?

Don't matter.

Well, I'm sorry,

but it matters to me.

Teach, the quicker you just forget

about me, the better. All right?

I mean, ain't you figured it out yet?

I'm bad news.

Some folks is... It's just this,

it's just, just born this way.

- Mr. Dooley, you have a heart of gold.

- Don't start using them twisty words

to try and convince me

that it ain't true.

I know what I am, but don't worry

about me. I'll be fine.

I always am.

At least take this...

for your journey. Please.

Teach...

I can't read.

I know that.

But this is for when you can.

Well...

Thanks.

Now go teach them kids.

Give 'em a future and all that.

Thank you... Mr. Dooley.

So last week we covered

the Louisiana purchase,

which was when the territory

of Louisiana

was purchased by the United States

from the French.

And that was when?

Anybody.

Anybody?

1803. Okay.

But today we're gonna talk

about when two very special gentlemen

were hired to explore

that new territory.

Their names were Meriwether Lewis

and William Clark.

And their mission was called

"The Corps of Discovery Expedition".

Greetings, Madam!

Out! Go away!

There's no panhandling in here.

Quick children hide under your desk.

I beg your pardon, Ma'am.

But you see, I'm...

A bum and a drunk

and I will not have you corrupt

his sacred house of learning.

Ethan, please jump out that window

and run and fetch the Sheriff. Hurry!

- Yes, Ma'am.

- No, No, no.

That won't be necessary.

You see Madam...

- I'm the new school master.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- The new school master is Mr. Cecil...

- Peachtree.

Cecil Peachtree, London, England,

at your service Madam.

Oh yes. I know.

I must look quite a fright,

but it's been the most exhausting

and unusual journey

to get here in time

for this morning's bell.

But me and the other ladies from

the cultural community center,

we were to pick up Mr. Peachtree

on Friday,

and we waited for him

on the train platform.

Yes. well, about that. You see,

I unfortunately missed the last train,

and I ended up taking

the more scenic route.

But listen, I did bring

some of my wares with me.

Well, they're a little singed

around the edges. Ah, oh good.

But I think yes,

they're not too worse for wear.

It's you, it's really you.

Mr. Peachtree,

I am Miss Eloise Maybel.

And on behalf

of the Ladies School Committee...

I want to welcome you

to the City of Fortune.

Children, Children, let's give

Mr. Peachtree a warm welcome.

- Hello Mr. Peachtree.

- Oh, hello everyone. Good morning.

I can't tell you how happy I am

to have finally arrived, in one piece.

Oh, you must be positively dog tired.

Shall we get you situated and you can

begin your lessons tomorrow?

Oh, heavens no.

No. I could be situated any time.

But with your permission,

I think I would just like to dive in.

- Oh, yes. Okay.

- Thank you.

I'll just run over to,

Ms. Annie's boarding house

and I'll get your room freshened up

and ready for when you're done

for the day.

- Splendid. Thank you, Miss Mabel.

- Thank you, Mr. Peachtree.

Well, let's start again, shall we?

Now I'd like to start off by telling you

about my greatest passion,

it's reading.

You know, books,

books can take us anywhere,

on any adventure

in any era... be it the past,

the present, or far, far...

Jedidiah Dooley... Here!