01x19 - Everybody Still Hates Nagging

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music]

[Chris] My mother was

always on my a*s.

She nagged me in the morning.

Move it, Sleeping Beauty,

before I whoop

your sleeping booty!

Ah!

[Chris] She nagged me at noon.

Uh-uh, go change, boy!

I've got rags less

raggedy than you.

[Chris] She nagged me at night.

Get your elbows

off the table.

You know it's only

being held up by tape.

[Chris] And of course,

she nagged me

when I talked to girls.

So Greg and I are gonna go

to amateur night at the Apollo

this weekend if you wanna--

Chris, get in here!

You didn't set the rat trap.

Now the rat has

a butcher knife.

[sighs] Wait!

Never mind.

Your eyes are almost

as pretty as mine.

[giggling]

[Chris] And worst of all,

she nagged me

when I was trying to win

tickets to "WrestleMania IV."

[grunts]

[man in radio] Do you love

Andre the Giant? Yes.

Are you wrestling with

your own pillow right now?

[grunts] Yes.

Well, you're in luck,

because "WrestleMania IV" is

coming to the New York area.

No way.

They're coming here?

Boy, are you wrestling yourself

again and messing up

my good pillows?

No.

I--

Look, I told you.

You're a Black boy.

You don't have the

luxury of fake fighting.

I don't wanna see or hear

another thing about wrestling.

I promise.

Nothing about wrestling.

Hi, I'm calling

about wrestling.

You're the third caller,

and you'll be our winner

if you can tell me

Jesse Ventura's nickname.

That's easy--

Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Congratulations!

You've just won two

tickets to "WrestleMania IV"!

[humming]

We'll see you in

Atlantic City Sunday night!

Uh-- uh-- uh, Atlantic City?

How the hell

am I gonna get there?

[Rochelle] Boy, if you don't set

the table, I'ma smack

you into the next state!

[Chris] That would do it.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

[Chris] My dad's favorite

team, the Dodgers,

were one game away from

heading to the World Series.

So he wasn't just

superstitious,

he was super-duper-stitious.

[sniffs] You gotta

wash your jersey, Daddy.

I wore this when

the Dodgers won

the World Series in '81, and I

can't wash that

good luck off, baby.

[commentator] The Dodgers just

need one more out.

Mwah.

And here comes the pitch--

Strike 3!

Yeah!

[both] Woo-daddio!

We'll be right back with

the National League playoffs.

Okay, baby.

Wanna practice your

lines for "The Wiz"?

Not lines, line.

Hey, your one line is gonna

be better than every other line

in that play.

I don't know.

I don't feel like

I've ever nailed it.

Let me hear what you've

got, Yellow Brick Number 5.

[exhales]

Ouch!

My butt is gonna have

silver footprints for weeks!

Wait, where did Tonya go?

Because that's not my daughter.

That is a real brick!

Oh, Daddy.

Now, where are my Ron Cey

signature batting gloves?

Why do you need

to wear gloves?

You ain't batting.

[scoffs]

[both] To eat ribs!

Rochelle, you know if I

don't eat a rib every inning,

the Dodgers will lose.

I know if you eat

that much sauced meat,

your gout's gonna flare up.

I have to, for the Dodgers.

Well, I better get going.

I'm off to visit Auntie

Mimi in Atlantic City.

She pulled her quad

whooping cousin Titi.

Oh, are you heading out?

[sighs] I sure am worried

about Auntie Mimi.

It would do my heart a world

of good to come with you

and see her.

[Chris] Whoa, daddio!

You're worried about an

auntie you never even met?

I don't think so.

Are you at least gonna walk

me to the car, Mr. Dodgers?

Of course, baby.

I'm walking you right now.

I have 126 sand

grains' worth of time.

All right.

Bye, Tonya.

Mommy loves-- ah!

[Chris] There went my free ride

to Atlantic City

and my only shot

at seeing fake

fighting till

"Real Housewives

of Beverly Hills."

Don't let me come

home to a pigsty.

Mm-hmm.

And don't forget, Tonya's

final performance of "The Wiz"

is on Sunday.

Mm-hmm.

Tonya's wonderful,

but prepare yourself.

It's 3 1/2 hours,

no intermission.

Yeah, got it, Sunday.

Love you.

Goodbye.

[pigeon cooing]

[grumbles]

[wings fluttering]

Shh!

Could you mope more quietly?

I'm trying to catch a

pigeon for my magic act.

Magic act?

"Goliath Nickelpasture's

Illusions

for Beginning Magicians."

How are you the one girls want?

Hmm.

You got any tricks to make

me appear in Atlantic City?

Why don't you hitchhike?

People are always

offering me rides.

[funky music]

♪

[drink splatting]

[sizzling]

So hitchhiking didn't work.

Oh, no, no, no, no,

that pigeon was so chubby!

Can you please go watch the

game with Dad or something?

I would, but he never lets

me stay past the third inning

because I touch a bobblehead

wrong or something.

I never make it past

the national anthem.

One time, he even kicked me

all the way out the house.

Wait, he kicked you out?

Thanks, Drew.

Silence!

[cheering on TV]

Daddy, Chris touched

a bobblehead.

Chris, don't touch anything!

Sorry, Dad, but gee

whiz, these are cool.

Is Auntie Mimi

a fan of bobbleheads?

Boy, you gonna have

a bobblehead if you

don't sit down and be quiet!

And that's a hard

hit over right field.

This one's going, going--

[both] Woo-daddio!

"Boo-daddio" is what

Auntie Mimi will say

when Mom shows up without me.

- going--

[audience groaning]

Not gone?

Wow.

Bad luck for the Dodgers.

Daddy, Chris jinxed us!

Chris, you're gonna

ruin this for me!

I told you to be quiet!

Maybe I should leave.

What'd I just say?

Zip it!

[Chris] It was time

for the big g*ns.

And with that double

play to end the inning,

things are looking

up for the Mets.

All right!

Let's go, Mets.

Oh, hell no.

[funky music]

Mm, mm, mm.

[sighs]

Here's $20.

[straining]

This is Aunt Mimi's address.

When you get there,

be sure to tell

your mother why I sent you.

Okay, Dad, I will.

[Chris] No, I won't.

I was 17 and headed to

Atlantic City on my own.

♪

Welcome to Atlantic

City, brother.

"WrestleMania," here I come!

[woman] Whoo!

Whee!

Whoo!

Mom?

[gasps]

Chris!

[upbeat music]

[retching]

Chris!

What are you doing here?

Dad sent me away because

I was cheering for the Mets.

What are you doing here?

Why do you have different hair?

Why are you wearing sandals?

Where's Auntie Mimi?

[sighs]

There is no Auntie Mimi.

Well, there is,

but we're not connected

by blood, just by taffy.

You lied?

[sighs] Look, I love your

father more than anything,

but I can't be in that house

when he watches the playoffs.

It's just too much!

So when he goes extra

crazy, I just tell him

I'm visiting a sick relative

so I can take a break,

wear this wig,

and get my sanity back.

[Chris] Back then, white people

had couples' therapy.

Black people

had Atlantic City.

But if you're here,

I don't get my break.

So you gotta go home.

I can't go home.

Dad will k*ll me.

And bury you in the dirt

he saved from Ebbets Field.

Yeah, I know.

[both chuckling]

[retching]

All right, you can stay.

But you gotta do what

I plan to do, OK?

Come on.

Hey, your mom's hot.

Bring her to "WrestleMania"

with you so I can

make you another

brother, brother.

Yeah, that's not happening.

She'd never let me go,

and I don't want her there.

Well, then you gotta

ditch her 'cause I'm gonna

do something new.

Instead of bashing people

with folding chairs,

I'm gonna try an office chair!

Chris!

Stop ogling that billboard!

It's time for mani-pedis.

[retching]

Ditch her!

[funky music]

[aggressive tone] Ouch!

My butt is gonna have

silver footprints for weeks.

[lighter tone] Ouch,

my butt is gonna have

silver footprints for weeks.

[in British accent] Blimey,

my butt is gonna have

silver footprints for weeks!

You don't wanna

over-rehearse.

That last one was perfect.

Shh, shh, shh.

We're one out away.

[commentator] Howard Johnson

comes to the plate.

Quick, hand me my Howard

Johnson voodoo doll.

No, no, not that

one, the other one!

He's out!

That's the ball game!

The Dodgers are going

to the World Series!

We did it, baby!

[both] Woo-daddio!

We'll see you Sunday night

for game one

of the World Series.

Wait, Sunday night?

That's the final

performance of my musical!

Huh. Too bad you'll have

to miss the game, Daddy.

[Chris] The Dodgers may have

been going to the series,

but every time I tried to

ditch my mom, I struck out.

Mom,

we can't afford all this.

I'll just go get a hot

dog on the boardwalk.

See ya.

No, stay.

I got a free night

and food vouchers

for attending some dumb

timeshare presentation.

So sit down and eat

your free crab cakes!

[Chris] Strike three.

Boy, didn't I raise

you better than that?

Sorry.

I know.

No elbows on the table.

No, I mean, you can't have

mashed potatoes without gravy.

You want a river

or a swimming pool?

What? What?

Come on, Chris.

It's our special trip

to Atlantic City.

We gotta have fun with it.

River or swimming pool?

Both.

[Chris] Apparently, my mom

could actually be fun?

♪

[announcer] The first pitch

of the World Series

is tonight at 7:10,

and it may be a

game-time decision

whether Julius

will be watching

his team or his daughter.

[gasps]

[in Spanish]

You can't run from this, Julio!

You need to make a choice!

Ay, dios mio!

[in English]

What would Jackie do?

[bobblehead clicking]

That's right.

You were a utility player.

You think I could

be a utility player, too,

and man both positions?

Thanks, Jackie.

Okay, chill, man.

You made your point.

♪

I can't hide

doves down there.

It'd tickle too much.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Drew? It's Greg.

Is Chris around?

We're supposed to go

to the Apollo tonight.

I'm so excited I'll finally

get to bully someone!

Um, Dad made Chris

leave the city

because he cheered for the Mets.

I'm the only one home.

An empty apartment?

You could be getting in there

in every room in the house!

I could do that any time.

[crowd] Drew! Drew! Drew,

over here! Drew! Drew!

I know you're all

excited to see Drew,

but we need a nice line here.

The fire marshal's

been on our a*s.

[crowd] Drew! Drew!

Man, sometimes I think your

good looks are wasted on you.

No, I actually use

them all the time.

Hey, you're a nerd.

Are doves and pigeons the same?

[doorbell rings]

Yeah, they're both birds.

Damn, Greg!

Thanks!

I shall name her

Whitney Coo-ston.

Speaking of birds,

come on in, ladies.

The water's warm.

[upbeat funky music]

♪

Mr. Julius!

Just the man for my current,

very exclusive inventory.

I got Cliff Notes on the play

so you can pretend

you paid attention, glasses with

open eyes painted on them,

and for $25,

I'll even go in there

and scream,

that's my baby girl!

I already picked

Tonya a fresh bouquet

of lovely free dandelions.

But do you have a transistor

radio, size small?

Let me guess-

for the Dodgers game?

I could do you one better.

Check this-

a Toby WatchDonkey.

[laughs]

Wow!

The future is here.

Enjoy the show.

Oh, I will--

both of them.

[sniffing]

[gagging]

L, K, J--

J for Jackie!

Good sign.

Ugh.

He stank.

Seat 42.

[crowd] Ugh!

Perfect!

[crowd cheering]

And we're off

to see the wizard.

[mellow music]

[pebble splashing]

[seagull squawks, shrieks]

♪

[laughter]

[Chris] I was having so much fun

with the Atlantic City version

of my mother

I almost forgot

about "WrestleMania."

Chris, T minus 5 hours

to Andre having

five cracked vertebrae.

Ditch your mom already!

Hey, smells worse

than Andre's giant a*s in here.

Dessert,

courtesy of Auntie Mimi.

[Chris]

I didn't know what to do.

Now the only thing nagging

me was my conscience.

[funky music]

[pigeon cooing]

So you, uh,

come around here often?

Outside, yeah.

But I've never been inside.

Hey, could you

please keep it down?

Goliath Nickelpasture says,

"Focus is the locus

of hocus pocus."

Drewy, stop doing magic

and get me something to drink.

Okay, that's it.

I have 20 scarves

up my sleeve that

I haven't been able to remove

because you all keep talking!

Ya gotta go.

What?

No!

Marisol called me "Gus."

That's the closest

a girl has ever gotten

to saying my name right.

Well, Goliath does say the

best way to improve your craft

is to perform

in front of others.

[sighs] I guess

you can be others.

Thank you.

Marisol, Mya,

I got three tickets

to the hottest show

in town-

the great Drewdini.

[mystical music]

♪

[applause]

Wait, how did you do that?

That was amazing!

Drew, let me be

your assistant!

No, I wanna be

your assistant!

Turn me into a

baby bunny, Drew!

Saw me in half, Drew!

Okay, that's it!

I will be Drew's assistant.

I'm really bendy.

I was born with

an extra kneecap.

You're hired.

[both] Aw!

♪

Mmm.

Auntie Mimi might just

be my favorite relative.

Ooh, I need to win

me those earrings.

You ditching her

or what, brother?

You into Hulkamania

or Mama-mania?

[groans]

[grunts]

Yes!

We have a winner.

And I have a new

pair of earrings.

Hand 'em over.

Actually, you know what?

I want that wrestling shirt.

What?

I thought you hated wrestling.

I do.

I hate a lot of things,

but I don't see any harm

in you having this T-shirt,

as long as you're not

getting in the wrestling ring.

What if I was ringside?

What are those?

Uh, I won tickets to

"WrestleMania IV" tonight.

I really wanna go, but I

didn't know how to tell you.

You think I'll let you go

to a wrestling match alone?

Yeah, I know.

What time we gotta be there?

[gasps]

Oh, close your jaw.

If it means that much to

you, I'll suffer through it.

Plus, I wanna see this

hunk of a beefcake.

He looks like

Staten Island Julius.

[jaunty piano music]

I'm going to

get you, Dorothy!

Oh, whoa, whoa, ow.

Yes!

He's out of there!

[piano clangs]

And on his way to Broadway.

Ugh.

So rude.

My lady is trying

to enjoy the show.

Excuse me, sir.

Clearly, you're

watching baseball on TV,

and it's distracting everyone.

You have to give up

the game or get out.

[tense music]

Game.

I choose game.

[commentator] It might be.

[crowd cheering]

It is a home run--

Woo--

- for the Dodgers!

- daddio--

Oh.

I'm sorry, Dodgers,

but my baby comes first.

[upbeat rock music]

You know, it's dope you

wanted to come with me to this.

I never knew how cool you were.

So now you think

I'm cool, huh?

Yeah.

I'm surprised, too.

[laughter]

Especially because at

home, you're such a nag.

What did you just call me?

[gulps] Uh, I was, uh--

what I meant was--

You know what?

No wrestling.

Vacation's over.

We're going home.

[bell dings]

Ugh!

Ahh!

[Chris] That was the day

that I learned to mothers,

the *-word is "nag."

Rah!

[screams]

For my next trick, I need

my distinguished assistant

to please--

Boo!

You suck, Gus!

- to please

reach into the top hat

and tell me what you feel.

Nothing?

Hmm.

Alakazam!

Now, check your pants.

Holy crap!

I did it!

[laughter]

Drew, people have

to see your magic act.

Maybe you should be

at amateur night.

Would you ladies want to--

[pigeon wing fluttering]

No!

Whitney's turban!

No, the girls!

Ah, they'll regret leaving

once we hit the big-time.

[upbeat music]

[Tonya] Ouch!

My butt is gonna have

silver footprints

for weeks!

[laughter]

That's my brick baby.

Woo-daddio!

[upbeat funky music]

That was the most

convincing performance

of a brick I've ever seen!

I'll never step

on a brick the same way.

You were amazing!

Thank you.

But did you hear?

The Dodgers won!

They did?

Must be because I tied

my shoes with bunny ears,

just like the last

time they won!

You did what?

[gentle music]

Oh, my.

I even whispered "woo-daddio"

while I was waiting to go on,

just in case it helped!

[Chris] It was then that

my dad realized

all his superstitions

had nothing to do

with the Dodgers winning.

Oh!

Tonya was the only good

luck charm

he'd ever needed.

[upbeat music]

[gasps]

[sighs]

What a pigsty.

How many times do I have to

ask you guys to do something?

[clock tolling]

[Chris] That weekend, I realized if she was naggin',

it's 'cause we were slackin'.

Time to get up, sweetie.

Move it,

Sleeping Beauty,

before I whoop your

sleeping booty!

Ah!

[Chris] If she was yellin',

it's 'cause we were smellin'.

Uh-uh, go change, boy!

I've got rags less

raggedy than you.

[Chris] If she was trippin',

it's 'cause we were slippin'.

You didn't set the rat trap.

Now the rat has

a butcher knife.

[rats squeaking]

You're just trying

to rat protect

your rat family, Rat Mama.

Wait!

Never mind.

Mom, I know Dad

has two jobs,

but I never realized that

you have about 100

unpaid,

unrecognized jobs

that keep our family together.

I'm sorry I called

you the *-word--

the other *-word.

Thanks, Chris.

That means a lot.

[sighs]

I love you, Mom.

And I appreciate

everything you do for me.

I love you, too, son.

[record needle scratches]

[Chris] Guys, come on!

I was a teenage boy.

I didn't learn that lesson

till I had my own kids.

This is what really went down.

[tape rewinding]

[sighs]

What a pigsty.

I'll be in my

room until I'm 21.

If I let you live that long.

[mellow music]

♪

Oh, God! Ah!

[rat squeaking]

I told you to

set that rat trap.

[singers] Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]

Ladies and gentlemen, how

about a nice Apollo welcome

for the great Drewdini?

[audience booing]

[man] Look at these fools!

This is the Apollo,

not Chuck E. Cheese!

Uh, for my, uh,

first trick--

Boo!

You suck!

[heartbeat thumping]

Say something before we

get yanked off the stage.

Uh, for my first

trick, I will, uh,

make this white boy

disappear!

[cheers and applause]

[drumroll]

Hey, what the--

Sorry, Greg.

Alakazam!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat closing music]