01x17 - Everybody Still Hates Rap

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music]

- Nowadays, everyone

likes every kind of music.

But in the '80s, music

was your whole identity.

You could either be

into pop, hair metal,

or whatever that is.

But at my all-white school,

I was the only kid

who listened to rap.

Back then,

rap wasn't mainstream.

It wasn't on MTV.

And it definitely wasn't

in Honey Nut Cheerios

commercials.

I see you, Nelly.

- The bathroom's

out of toilet paper.

- Hey.

- Careful.

Crack kills.

- [groans]

But rap was my lifeline.

- Hey, yo, Chris ♪

Keep chillin'

They be straight up billin' ♪

Get out your feelings ♪

They don't live how

we be living, boy ♪

- Thanks to rap,

I didn't feel alone.

- Geez.

The bell rang five minutes ago.

Are you people ever on time?

- You don't live

how I'm living, boy.

- If you keep rapping all up in

my face, I'm going to Kenny G

all up in your face.

[humming]

- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no.

[hip-hop music]

♪

- Hi, Mom.

- Hello, Rochelle.

- My mother always had

a strained relationship

with my grandma, Maxine.

That's why you haven't

seen her all season.

- So what's new?

- Hmm.

♪

Nothing, really.

- They never talked about

their personal business

because when they did,

it went like this.

- Are you ever going to

lose that baby weight?

- Ma, I'm still pregnant.

- Answer the question.

[grunting]

- So they just gossiped

about other people instead.

- Ooh.

You know Lulu over on 7th?

- Big eyes, big tatas?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, I heard her wig is

actually a raccoon pelt.

[laughter]

- As long as they

stuck to gossip,

nobody got hurt,

except for Aunt Lulu.

♪

- Hey, what are

you listening to?

- I was listening

to Eric B. & Rakim.

- What's that loud,

booming noise?

♪

- The bass.

- Something's

happening to my body.

[screams]

- Ooh, this will

be fun to smash.

- No, please.

That music is what gets

me through the day.

- But smashing stuff is what

gets me through the day.

You never think about my needs.

- Take anything else,

my lunch, my backpack.

- "Follow the Leader"?

What's that?

♪

- Wait. You like it?

Of course he likes rap.

It's loud, it's aggressive,

and they say the *-word a lot.

- How have I never

heard this before?

- Because of Tipper Gore.

Before she was the second

lady of the United States,

she was the first

lady of censorship.

She created parental advisory

stickers for rap albums.

Tipper's wall was just like

the one in "Game of Thrones,"

except she built hers

because [bleep] is coming.

- Sit with me at

lunch tomorrow.

And bring more rap.

- I couldn't believe it.

The guy who wanted to

hang me wanted to hang.

- Next week on

"Nights of our Deaths,"

Nicoletta comes back from the

dead to announce that Antonio

is also back from the dead.

- I have returned from the

dead, like you, Nicoletta.

- Wow.

That's the fifth person

that came back from the dead

this week.

- Uh-huh.

- Paolo was like, I'm dead.

And then he was like,

I'm not dead.

Then in the second scene,

he was like, b*tch,

wasn't I just dead?

- Son, I'd love to hear you

act out the whole thing,

but I'll be late for work.

- Blast that booty with me,

Buffo the Boogie.

You'll get all my moves,

bicep blasters, butt blasters,

bye-bye jelly blasters,

all for the low,

low price of 19.95.

- Whoa.

I didn't know dancing

could be a workout.

Dad, can we do that together?

- Not for the high,

high price of 19.95.

That's 19.95 worth of money.

- [sighs]

OK.

- How about this?

Tomorrow, I'll

train you for free.

- Really?

- Thanks, Dad.

I'm going to be like, ooh,

ooh, workout, workout.

Ooh, ooh.

Then I'm going to be like--

[grunts]

- And then she cheated on

the mailman with the UPS guy.

- Sounds like they

were delivering

more than just packages.

[laughter]

- OK.

You ain't never lied.

- [coughs]

[sucks teeth]

- Wow.

Look at the time.

- Yeah, I should get going.

- Tonya, come say

bye to grandma.

- You're leaving already?

Time must have

flown by while I was

reading the amazing

illustrated Bible you gave me.

- Aren't you sweet?

Go buy yourself some candy.

- Wow.

$5.00 for little old me?

Thank you, Grandma.

- Bye now.

- I hate the color red, but I

sure do love the color green.

- Ooh, thank God we only have

to do that three times a year.

- I love her, but whew.

It smells like Bengay

and Werther's Originals.

I'm going to crack a window.

[tense music]

Did Grandma say anything

about that super fine hunk

who's all up on her out there?

- Super fine what now?

[soft music]

- Your chariot

awaits, senorita.

- [laughs]

Flávio.

- Who is that middle-aged

gigolo, and why

is he wearing a baby shirt?

[hip-hop music]

- Keep it down.

I'm trying to sleep.

- It's 4:30 in the afternoon.

The sun is still out.

- I got to wake up early.

I'm helping Dad

with his deliveries.

And then we're going

to work out together.

- Well, I got to go through

these rap CDs for Caruso.

After years of feeling

like an outcast at school,

this could finally be

my chance to fit in.

- [snoring]

- [sighs]

- Now, boy.

- Flavor Flav?

- I'm your fairy god rapper,

and I don't want you to give

my album to that bully.

- But he's going to let me

sit at his table at lunch.

- Yeah, that's

called selling out.

Don't be using my music

to make bullies like you.

- This is my chance to be cool.

Ow. My tooth.

- This is not gonna work.

You can give away our culture,

but they'll never respect you.

- Well, I'm doing it.

- I'm disappointed

in you, Chris.

- Yeah, me too,

but I'm still doing it.

- Hey, put me next to

KRS-One, would you?

He owes me money.

- We make a good team, Drew.

That's the fastest I've

ever done my deliveries.

- Just leaves more time

for us to work out.

[laughter]

- Drew, we already worked out.

Throwing bundles of newspaper

strengthens the upper body.

Running from dogs was cardio.

And squat and squat and squat.

Squatting was squatting.

Not sure how you missed that.

- I guess I should

have put that together.

- No problem.

Same time tomorrow?

- Wait.

So we're not doing

Buffo the Boogie, like, ever?

- Who needs him?

My work workout got

you pumped, right?

- Oh. Yeah.

So pumped.

Hell yeah.

♪

- Yo, Chris.

Over here.

- Oh, I got to stop leaving

my knife in my pocket.

- [sighs]

- Did you bring

another rap album?

I asked my parents if I could

buy one, and my mom fainted.

- My dad cried.

- My priest tried to

perform an exorcism.

- Relax.

I got you.

This guy is dope.

♪

- He's from my neighborhood.

- Wait.

You know this guy?

- Yeah.

I seen him at the barbershop.

One time, I even

slipped on his hair.

♪

- Hey homeguys, what's illin'?

- Are you wearing earplugs?

- Why would I wear earplugs?

I love this music.

[gasps]

- Greg, you don't have

to pretend to like this.

- I'm not pretending.

- He's pee-tendning.

- I'm going to listen

from the bathroom.

The acoustics

in there are great.

- Ew.

- Wait till you guys

hear Kool Moe Dee.

One time he got in a rap

battle with Busy Bee.

- Wait.

Rappers fight?

Oh, I love fights.

- Yeah, but they use words,

not weapons.

Tell that to 50 Cent.

♪

- He's probably just a

distant cousin of my mommy's

daddy's mommy's side.

Julius, my mama

has a cousin who's

a super hot Brazilian,

right, right, right?

- No, but you got a husband

who's a super hot Bed-Stuy guy.

- Don't you have one of

those two jobs to get to?

- Wait. Tell me I'm hot.

Maybe he's just an overeager

candidate for mayor,

or a blind person, or a blind,

overeager candidate for mayor.

- Ooh, if he wins, Grandma

can get us on his payroll.

I'm trying to get me

some of that nepotism.

- You know,

you could just ask Maxine

who that Brazilian guy is.

- And you could just

mind your damn business.

- [grunts]

- Ooh.

I got an idea.

[phone rings]

- Go for Dr. Mike.

State your emergency.

- Dr. Mike?

- Oh, hey, Chelle.

I was waiting on a call

from a lady friend.

I told her I was an ear,

nose, and foot doctor

'cause you know

I like them toes.

- I don't care.

Who the hell is that

tan god of a man

chauffeuring our mother around?

- Oh, Flávio?

Yeah, that's my man Flávs.

Real cool.

He buys me stuff.

We play catch.

And he calls me champ.

- He's treating you like

some sort of stepson.

[gasps]

Is he sexing Mom?

- I don't think so.

Whenever he comes over,

they go up to her room,

and I hear noises.

And the headboard is broken.

Oh.

He's here to fix the headboard.

- Oh, God!

He's sexing our mother.

- Are you crazy?

I don't know where

you're getting that from.

Hey, if I said

I lost a patient today,

would you think that

I was a bad doctor,

or would you want

to comfort me?

- Handsome younger man

breaking headboards

with a 68-year-old grandmother

on Social Security.

[gasps] That Brazilian

beefcake is scamming

my mama out of her money.

[tense music]

- These are worse

than church clothes.

- Shut up and put your wig on.

- Looking stronger, Drew.

sh**t, I should put

out my own tape.

[upbeat music]

Hello, hard workers.

You just got hired to do

Julius's Working Workout.

Clock in, clock out.

- Clock in, clock out.

- Now drive, and drive.

And honk.

- You're always working.

You fix your dolly

while we watch TV.

You pick up passengers when

you drive me to school.

Look-- you're

working right now.

- Hello, Hollywood?

I'd like to pitch you

Julius's Working Workout.

- How about pitching

spending time with your son?

- Please hold.

I'll be right with you.

Of course I'm working.

That's how I pay

for everything.

You do like eating

and having a bed, right?

- You're-- you're right, Dad.

We can just hang out while

you're doing other stuff.

[tense music]

- Ooh. There they are.

♪

- Stay low.

If Grandma sees

me stalking her,

she'll never give

me money again.

- If Flávio takes

all her money,

she'll have none

left to give you.

- After him!

[dramatic music]

♪

- I knew it.

He's driving her to the bank

and taking her to the cleaners.

- He gets $500 and doesn't even

have to wear a church dress?

- Quick.

We got to stay on him.

- Where do you

think you're going?

You have to clean the bathroom.

- I don't need this fake job.

My man has two real jobs.

- I pity that mop.

- First he earns her trust.

And then he takes her money.

- Oh, no he doesn't.

Go faster.

- Then he'll k*ll her.

Then he'll probably skin her,

wear as a Halloween costume,

and everyone will say what

a terrible daughter I am.

[gasps]

- Rochelle?

- For the first time ever,

I was excited to walk

into the cafeteria.

All the kids needed me.

I was their only connection

to rap, and they were feenin'.

Kool Moe Dee.

I got that pure,

uncut Kool Moe Dee.

- Yo, yo, yo.

Can you front me a single?

I get my allowance on Friday.

- b*tch, ain't

nothing free here.

What up?

Wait.

What's up?

Tracksuits?

Bucket hats?

Gold chains?

Are you doing a gangsta lean?

- You know it, boy.

- How'd you get a rap CD?

- I stole it 'cause I'm hood.

- You're what?

- All I could afford

was a cassette.

I'm so ghetto.

- Uh, you never even

been to the ghetto.

- It's cool.

I'm Black from the waist down.

- You're not.

I've seen it at the gym.

- Come on.

Don't be lame, my [bleep].

- OK, you can't say that.

- Now you're censoring me?

- I'm just saying

you can't be doing that.

- You say you're from the hood,

but you're whiter than me.

I'm more Black than

you'll ever be.

- It's a rap battle.

[cheering]

- No. It's not.

- Come on, guys.

He's wiggity wiggity wack.

[groaning]

- I can't believe it.

They stole my music.

You can't believe

they stole your music?

They stole us from Africa.

- Ooh.

Do you think she could see me?

- Yep.

What are we going to do?

Help me, Grandma.

Mama was driving so fast even

though I begged her not to.

- What is going on, Rochelle?

- Mama, I'm sorry.

But you don't understand.

This unspeakably

beautiful man--

he is pretending

to be your lover.

But he's really just

after your money, Ma.

- That's my Christmas

money, you b*stard.

- What?

Flávio isn't my lover.

He's my home health aide.

- Your what?

- I do love her,

but as a patient.

My only lover is my job.

But I'm working on that.

- You'll be hearing

from my insurance.

Flávio, storm me off.

- Oh, Mama, we got to fix this.

El DeBarge's El Perfume

won't pay for itself.

[hip-hop music]

- It's everywhere.

[screams]

- [beatboxing]

- Flav, you play drums?

- I play 15 different

instruments--

drums, piano, trumpet.

- Sorry.

Are you going to

do this 15 times?

- Damn, you're in a pissy mood.

- I feel like I sold out

my culture, my ancestors,

everything we marched for.

- I told you not to sell out.

- What do I do now?

The white kids

ruined rap for me.

- People can't ruin something

for you unless you let them.

You're giving them

power over you.

Take it back.

- How?

- I play 15 different

instruments.

- Yeah, I know.

Ow.

Same tooth.

- But the most powerful

instrument of all is my voice.

- You're right.

Thanks, Flavor Flav.

- You got it.

Before you go, I also play

the sousaphone, theremin--

- Save it.

[eerie music]

[hip-hop music]

- Drew, I'm sorry I didn't

give you my full attention.

I guess that's just

how my dad was with me.

- Elder Leroy,

can we go swimming today?

- Of course, son.

- Look, Dad--

I learned how to butterfly.

- Then flap the

hell out of my way.

I got a line of people

I got to commit to Christ.

- It's fine, Dad.

You don't have to

spend time with me.

- Oh, OK.

Then I guess, I'll just

do the Buffo the Boogie

video by myself then.

- Wait. You bought the video?

- Hmm, something like that.

- Blast that booty.

Blast that bum.

Blast it

till the muscles come.

And work, and work.

- Thanks, Dad.

I'm having a blast.

- Me too, and all for the

low, low price of free.

- Hey.

No boogieing in the library.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, oh.

Let's hit the Crown

Heights branch next.

[laughter]

♪

[knock at the door]

- Hi, Mom.

- Hello, Rochelle.

- Mom, I want to talk

to you about something.

- What, how my neighbor is

the prime suspect in her

husband's disappearance?

- I knew it.

She was always giving

me the stink eye.

[laughter]

- Good to see you.

- Yeah, I should go.

- No!

I can't stay silent any longer.

When I took the three-hour

course on home health care,

I promised to always do

what's best for my patients.

And right now, you need to

talk to your daughter, Maxine.

- That sun-kissed

Adonis is right.

Mom, we need to talk.

I care about you, and I want

to know about your life.

- But whenever we get

personal with each other,

we end up fighting.

Gossip just works for us.

- I know.

You're right.

You know, I heard there

was a beautiful older

woman living

in this very building

who has a home health aide.

And everyone's wondering

why she needs one.

- There are two aides

in this building?

I thought we had a code.

- Well, I heard that gorgeous,

intelligent woman fell

down and injured her buttocks.

- That happened to

you too, Maxine.

My God.

What are the odds?

- Well, I heard

that woman's daughter

was very relieved to hear

it was just a broken a*s.

- OK.

Now, this is just too weird.

Are my hands my hands?

- Well, I heard

a big-boned brother

is trying to watch "Soul Train"

while everyone is talking.

[laughter]

[suspenseful music]

- Caruso.

- Step off, Chris.

You are not about this life.

- Rap is my life,

and I'm taking it back.

- Ooh. It's about to go down.

- [blows raspberry]

He does not got the juice.

- The most powerful

instrument of all is my voice.

- I won't give

you the power ♪

The time is now,

it's my hour ♪

You can't have rap,

it's mine ♪

So listen up

as I spit these lines ♪

Uh ♪

- Whoa.

- Your cafeteria delirium

is nearing the end ♪

I gave you rap ♪

And you mistreat it like

your only Black friend ♪

- Ooh.

Yay.

A performance.

- Mom?

- One last lesson

from Chrissy Chris ♪

You don't need rap

to make Mommy pissed ♪

She's already mad

you even exist ♪

That's how I

thought I sounded,

but this is how

I really sounded.

- Hey, come on. Huh, huh.

Yeah.

You ain't ready.

I'm about to spit some fire.

Whew, uh.

[cheering]

- Wait.

You like that?

- Oh, my God.

That's so cute.

- What is this music?

- It's rap, and it's not cute.

- Maybe rap isn't dangerous.

I mean, look at his

adorable sweater vest.

- Jo-Jo, I want

to hear you rap.

Do a cute rap for Mommy.

- Ma, no.

- Wait.

So you guys don't

like rap anymore?

- You ruined it.

- I never liked rap.

My body rejected it.

Do you guys want to come over

and listen to my collection

of erotic jazz?

[somber music]

- Thanks again for that advice.

- I'm proud of you.

You saved the rap from

those kids for now.

- What you mean, "for now"?

- You see that boy, Rob?

- Yeah.

- Come with me to the future.

[dramatic music]

That's Rob.

Now he goes by his stage name,

Vanilla Ice.

- All right, stop.

- Oh, God, no.

You stop now.

Whoa.

- Everybody still

hates Chris ♪

[hip-hop music]

♪