01x14 - Everybody Still Hates Cars

[bunniefuu]

[funky music]

- In the 1980s, there

were all kinds of cars--

cars that solved crime,

cars that time travelled,

cars that captured ghosts.

Damn, even in the afterlife,

Black folks get profiled.

Then there were the kinds

of cars my father bought--

cheap-a*s ones.

- May I present

the new family car.

It's got floor mats,

a turn signal,

two-tone doors,

and only 150,000 miles--

that I know of.

The odometer's busted.

So what do you think?

- Just tell me you did

not buy this raggedy car

at a non-raggedy price.

- That's the best part.

I bought it dirt cheap

at a police auction.

- My father hated the police,

but he loved their auctions.

He bought all kinds of stuff--

a prosthetic leg,

a slightly used casket,

and a stuffed

Spuds MacKenzie doll.

We used it to scare

away robbers.

- The inside needs work,

but it's what's

on the outside that counts.

- Girls say that

to me all the time.

- And it kind of looks like me.

We both got shiny tops.

- That's great, baby.

With this car

and your work truck,

now I can brag

my man has two cars.

- After I pass driver's ed,

I can drive it

to Atlantic City

for the Jackie Chan-vention.

- And I can get rides to

the mall like a white girl.

- And I could drive it

to all my friends' houses.

Okay, my only friend's house.

- Hey, hey, hold up.

This car is for your mom

to run errands

and me to use

if my truck breaks down.

Practical purposes only.

Until y'all think of one,

y'all ain't using it.

- Hmm, practical purposes.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Chris, it's been six hours!

Stop trying to think

of a practical purpose

to use the car.

- Damn it.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

Ever since Tasha made

it clear the only man

she'd let see her naked

was The Lord,

I turned my attention

to my lab partner, Sienna.

She was the complete

opposite of Tasha.

- [sneezes]

- God bless you.

- Religion.

Ew.

- So, Sienna, do you want

to walk to the record store

with me after school?

- [scoffs]

I don't walk.

I'm getting a ride from Dennis.

- Dead-Tooth Dennis?

- Um, any man

with a car is hot.

- I have a car.

It's just in the shop.

I busted it up

drivin' too hard.

- Mm, well, I'd love

a ride sometime.

- In that moment, me and the

volcano had a lot in common.

Mom, can I have

some more syrup?

- The Court will allow it.

- But Chris already has enough.

- Objection sustained.

- Someone's excited

for jury duty.

- Let the court recognize that,

hell, yeah I'm excited!

Lawyers kissing my a*s,

juicy courtroom gossip,

and most importantly,

I'm the boss.

Well, me and 11 other

less important people.

I'm gonna head out so I can

practice my "serious face"

before jury selection.

Keys?

- Oh, yeah.

- How about I drive

mom to court

and then drive me

and Drew to school?

- That's a dumb idea.

- Mom won't have

to pay for parking,

and we won't have

to pay bus fare.

We'd be saving money.

- That's a great idea.

Okay, you can drive the car,

but only this week

while your mom's on jury duty.

- Great. While Chris drives,

I can study

my driver's ed pamphlet

and point out all his mistakes.

- Chris's face is a mistake.

- Well, this face is

about to be driving

the new car while you're

walkin' to school.

Keys, please.

- I ain't giving you the keys

until we go over a few rules.

Rule 1, don't use the AC.

Rule 2, don't use the heat.

Rule 3, don't use

the defroster.

Just breathe less

and the windows won't fog up.

Rule 145, no detours

and no passengers.

Finally, rule 146,

don't ever leave

the keys in the car.

You got all that?

- Nope.

Yep.

- You better,

'cause I'm putting this roll

back in the bathroom.

I ain't wasting 39¢ worth

of toilet paper.

So what if you get

a little ink in your crack?

You'll live.

♪

- Hey, I got my car back

from the shop.

Want a ride home after school?

Ooh, ooh.

- Sure.

Don't need a ride today,

you dead-toothed fool.

- Wait, but Dad said

no passengers and no detours.

- The odometer's broken.

He'll never know.

Besides, it's just for today.

And Sienna actually likes me.

- She only likes

you for the car.

- I'm okay with that.

I have to actually try

to impress girls.

You don't.

You're dating the entire

volleyball team.

- Hi, Drew.

- Love your shirt.

- I wanna pick you up

like a lil baby.

- You think I don't have

to try to keep 12 girls happy

all at the same time?

Believe me, it's exhausting.

- If you let me drive

Sienna home just this once,

I'll let you drive

your girlfriends

a few blocks this week, okay?

- Me?

Drive the car?

Okay.

[dolphin trills]

Yes, finally gonna drive.

- And I'm finally

gonna get a girl.

- Drew!

- Ouch!

- Juror Number 11,

do you think you can

be fair and impartial

in this case?

- Absolutely.

I'm a steward of the law

and could not

ethically assess

a conclusion until all

the facts are presented.

- Great, you are

seated for trial.

- Heeey!

Mama got herself a trial!

- Send in the next

prospective juror.

[doors slam]

[people murmuring, gasping]

[light dramatic music]

- [grumbles]

- Juror Number 12,

can you be fair

and impartial in this case?

- Hell, naw!

And I'll tell you why.

I've been wrongly convicted

of several misdemeanors,

I think Matlock is

a phony old b*tch,

and I have an

abnormally small bladder

that could ruin this jury box.

Can I go so I can, like, go?

- [snores]

- No.

Due to time constraints

and me trying

to make it to couple's therapy,

you are hereby seated

to this trial.

Opening statements will begin

as soon as I convince

my wife I'm not

cheating on her.

[bangs gavel]

- Damn it.

[school bell rings]

[volleyball team giggling]

- Uh, are those blood stains?

- Yeah, that's my blood from

fighting off a carjacker

who wanted to carjack my car.

[brakes squeal]

[engine revs]

- [grumbles]

- That's definitely

a moving violation.

He could get a $50 fine

for unnecessary speeding.

- I think it's cool.

Chris, can your car

go that fast?

- Only one way to find out.

[tires screech]

- [squeals]

[bubble pops]

- Peaches, pay attention.

- I am paying attention--

to that cute guy over there

with the buttery skin.

Ooh, who dat?

- He's the guy that robbed

the convenience store.

- He guilty, all right--

guilty of getting me

all hot and bothered.

Ooh!

- Ugh.

[bubble pops]

- Thanks for the ride, Chris.

Can I get another

ride home tomorrow?

- Um--

- My folks are gonna be

out of town

at a retreat for parents

of rebellious teens.

If you give me a ride home,

you can come in,

and we can do something.

- Like what?

- I can think of

several things.

- I will most definitely give

you a ride home tomorrow.

- Think fast!

- Ow!

Oh, come on.

- See?

We got home on time,

the car is okay,

and tomorrow, me and Sienna

are gonna "do something."

- Do what?

- I have no idea.

It might be a late lunch,

table tennis, sex.

What if it's sex?

Whatever it is, it's something

I can't do by myself.

- You know what else

is gonna be good?

When I tell Daddy you two

didn't drive straight home

like you were supposed to.

- Tonya, please don't tell Dad.

- Okay, I won't--

if you give me a ride

to school tomorrow.

Daddy, I have

something to tell you.

- Okay, deal.

- Hey, kids.

The car looks good.

- Thanks, it was

no trouble at all.

- I said it looks good.

I didn't say it is good.

Let me just do a quick

64-point inspection.

[suspenseful music]

♪

No unusual hairs

or sweat stains.

Hmm, no

outside-the-city-limits bugs,

and the blood stains are

just as they were.

Nice job, boys.

I'm glad I can trust

you with the car.

- Oh, man, I feel super

guilty for deceiving Dad.

Don't you?

- Guilty that we

got away with it

and I might actually have

sex with Sienna tomorrow?

Hell, no!

Tomorrow, I become a man.

- So the hottie defendant

not only "allegedly" stole

$5,000 from the register,

but also all of the

lottery tickets in the store.

- Wait, little defendant

from across

the courtroom held $5,000?

- Ugh.

- Rochelle, what

scent do you think

defines me as a car owner?

- The scent of a man too busy

working two jobs

to find time to actually

drive the car.

- That's cold, but accurate.

What's wrong?

- Peaches is what's wrong.

She's so distracting,

I can't enjoy myself.

She's ruining jury duty for me!

- Sounds like you're ruining

jury duty for yourself.

[sniffs]

Mmm.

- Excuse me?

- Your prejudice

for Peaches has nothing

to do with enjoying jury duty.

Try to treat her

like you're supposed

to treat the defendant,

innocent until proven guilty.

- I guess you have a point.

Okay, I'll try to make

jury duty fun,

even with

stupid-a*s Peaches there.

- [sniffs]

- [sniffs]

Mmm, lavender.

Nice.

- Ooh, that do

it for you, baby?

How about after court,

you and me retire

to our private chambers for an

intimate cross-examination?

- I'll allow it.

- Change of plans.

I want you to drop me off

at the mall down the street.

- What?

Our deal was

for a ride to school.

- All my friends are at

the mall before school.

And I want them

to see me in the car.

If they don't see me,

they can't be jealous of me.

If my friends can't

be jealous of me,

then what's the point

of having friends?

- Ugh, fine.

I'll drive to the mall.

- Chris, can I drive now?

- No, I said, you can drive

your girlfriends.

And they ain't here.

- I need the practice.

If you don't let me,

I'll tell Sienna the car

actually belongs to Dad.

- Fine, you can drive.

It'll give me time

to get ready for Sienna.

Dope hair? Check.

Pleasant body odor?

[sniffs] Check.

Bringing home no babies--

- You pathetic virgin fool.

I expired years ago.

- Uh, Chris?

There's a car coming this way.

- So? He's on his side.

You stay on your side.

- He's going really fast.

Getting really close.

[brakes squeal]

[all scream]

- Ah, no.

The paint is stripped

clean off.

Oh, man, this is

gonna get much worse.

[door creaking]

[thud]

- I can't believe I

panicked and crashed.

I don't panic.

I'm Drew.

- Stop panicking

about panicking.

We gotta work

together to fix this.

- Work with you

and not against you?

Uh, I don't know

how to do that.

- So, Chris, what do we do?

- We don't have time

to get the door fixed,

so we need to find a

matching replacement door.

I think I know where

we can get one.

- You kids destroyed

my beach house.

- You claim you weren't there

during the robbery, correct?

- That's right.

I was at the movies,

seeing "Beverly Hills Cop."

- And do you have a witness

who can testify you were there?

- I can tell you what

the movie is about.

- Sure.

- So Eddie Murphy is

a funny-a*s cop.

There's some vanilla-a*s cops,

a dope-dealin'-a*s bad guy.

The stuffy-a*s police captain

don't like Eddie's Black a*s,

so he got to go

to Beverly Hills.

- Do you think the judge

and bailiff are

secretly sleeping together?

- It ain't a secret no more.

[whispering]

Look at the other bailiff.

- [gasps] You're right.

What moisturizer do you think

the defendant uses

to look so smooth?

- High-quality shea butter.

Ooh, I just want to lick him

like a butter lollipop.

[both giggling]

I got some moisturizer

in my purse.

You want some?

- And just like that,

my mom was loving

jury duty again.

- And then the funny-a*s cop

is like, "I'm being funny.

I'm Eddie Murphy."

And then, the girl with

the big-a*s bazongas goes--

- This place is huge.

We'll never find

a matching door in time.

- Hi, are you Paulie?

- I don't know no Paulie.

- But your gold chain

says "Paulie,"

and your face is

on the billboard.

- Are you the

billboard police now?

- We need help.

We're looking for a dark blue

'82 Buick Grand National.

Have you seen one of those?

- Maybe, maybe not.

I see a lot of things.

[thudding]

- Do I hear someone

in that trunk?

- [muffled shouting]

- Maybe, maybe not.

I hear a lot of things too.

- Ugh, we don't have

time for this.

We're in a hurry.

[laughter]

- Whoa!

- You bust my ba*ls

in my junkyard

telling me what I should be

seeing and hearing and doing?

Get lost!

- Well, I guess we're screwed.

Bye-bye, mall.

- Bye-bye, driver's license.

Chris, what do you want

to say bye-bye to?

- I'm not saying

bye to anything.

I was too weak

to intimidate him.

I was too poor to bribe him.

And I was too Black

to call the cops on him.

So I went to him man to man.

Please help us.

I'm trying to impress a girl

who's really into cars.

If I don't give her

a ride home,

she won't hook up with me

and I'll remain

a virgin forever.

- My goomah was gaga for my

car, too, when we first met.

May she rest in peace.

Fellas, let's help

the kid pop his cherry.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Wow, Chris, your

pathetic virgin life

actually helped us for once.

- This is great.

Now I can finally

hook up with Sienna.

- What? No!

It's too late.

We need to get home

before Dad does.

- I don't care anymore

if I get caught.

This might be my only

chance with Sienna.

I deserve this.

- But it's not just about you.

If Mom and Dad find out,

I'll never be allowed

to get my license.

- And I'll never be allowed

to go to the mall again.

- I had to make

a hard decision.

Help my siblings

or hook up with a girl.

Kind of like Drake

or Kendrick.

- Your body, your body,

your body, body, girl ♪

Your body, your body ♪

- Chris, let's do it

on your car.

- This shouldn't

be a hard choice.

Family comes first.

And get this damn girl

off my hood-head!

- Okay, you're right.

Let's go home.

[all gasp]

- Daddy's already

on his way home.

- We're screwed.

There's no way we

can beat him home.

- Yes, we can.

I know a shortcut.

- Let's run some red lights.

- Hope you get

yourself some, bambino.

- Okay, time to vote.

Those who think he's guilty,

raise your hands.

- Lady, just vote guilty

so we can go home.

I'm almost out of smokes.

[exhales]

- Nuh-uh.

My gut tells me this fine,

Grade-A meat of a man

is innocent.

- She also believed

OJ was innocent too.

- Peaches, you only want

him to be innocent

'cause you think he's hot.

- Him being hot has

nothing to do with it.

I've been on trial more times

than Michael Jackson's

bleached his bottom.

And the worst thing

about it was

the jury decided my fate solely

on how I looked and talked.

And that hurt.

And y'all are doing the

same thing to the defendant.

That ain't right!

- Peaches, honey, I'm real

sorry you went through that.

But what facts do you have

that he's innocent?

- Fact, he got green eyes.

Black dudes with green eyes

don't commit crimes.

They too fine.

Fact, he's a Capricorn.

'Nuf said.

And in conclusion,

nobody with skin that smooth

would do this.

- Wait, Peaches,

you might be right.

Everybody, look at the security

camera footage of the robbery.

We can't see

the stickup man's face.

But his skin is ashy as hell.

Now look at Carl's mugshot.

They don't match.

- Exactly!

Carl looks finger-lickin' good.

- Nobody's going nowhere until

we talk this whole thing out.

[upbeat music playing

on radio]

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Yes!

We're gonna make it.

- What's wrong, Drew?

- Everybody did something

to help today except me.

Chris, you're groveling

got us the door.

Tonya, your shortcut

got us home before Dad.

All I did was crash the car.

- Uh, who cares?

We got away with it.

- Uh, we're not gonna

get away with anything.

Look!

The new door is too clean.

There's no blood stains on it.

- Where can we get blood

to recreate the stains?

- Drew, karate chop

me in the nose,

and we could use my blood.

- No way.

Sensei Jason says

you should only use

karate as a defense mechanism.

- We're trying to defend

our butts from a beating.

Karate chop me.

- Dad's almost home!

- Come on, Drew.

You can do it.

- [inhales]

[dramatic music]

♪

- Aah!

[bleeping]

[indistinct shouting]

- [crying]

- Hopefully that will do it.

- Hey, kids.

How was school today?

- Fine.

- Fine, Daddy.

- And how's the car?

all: Also fine.

- Any trouble?

all: No trouble at all.

- Hmm, we'll see.

[suspenseful music]

♪

All good.

- We know.

- Let me put my

lunchbox in the house,

then we'll go pick up mom.

[everyone sighs]

- Thanks for doing

karate on me, Drew.

See? You did help today.

- Hmm, guess I'm not

just a pretty face.

- Ew.

Chris, I'm really sorry

your stupid, ugly self didn't

get to hang out

with that stupid,

slutty girl today.

- Uh, thanks, Tonya.

And, hey, maybe I still have

a chance with Sienna.

Dennis impregnated Sienna

that night.

They got married

and had six kids.

They all got dead teeth too.

- Oh, okay,

you suckas want more?

Fact, the defendant

does have a record.

But he's only been arrested

for car theft,

not sticking up stores.

- Peaches is right.

His nickname is literally

"Jackin' Carl, the Car Jacker."

Duh.

- And the robber held

the g*n in his right hand.

But Carl is left-handed.

- Why didn't his lawyer raise

these points during the trial?

- Duh, 'cause he's

a public defender.

They're overworked

and just want to close cases.

- That explains why there were

bigger holes in his defense

than the one in your throat,

Vickie.

[indistinct chatter]

- We, the jury--

- Find the fine-a*s

defendant not guilty.

both: Not guilty.

Peaches, I'm sorry I thought

you only wanted

Carl to be innocent because

you were attracted to him.

- Thanks for saying

that, Rochelle.

- Just wanted to say thanks for

voting my fine a*s not guilty.

- Well, I call 'em

like I see 'em.

And I like what I see.

- Maybe I could

call you sometime.

- As long as it's not collect.

Here's my number.

Okay, so him being hot had

everything to do with it.

But once we looked

at the evidence,

I realized he truly was

innocent.

- I'm not even mad.

Together, we set

an innocent man free.

- How was court, Mom?

- Did you get me anything?

- Court was great.

And you were right, baby.

I found a way to make

jury duty fun again.

- I'm so glad.

What the hell are you doing?

- I'm stealing your car,

that's what.

- The man was

innocent in this case.

But, yeah, clearly

he's a criminal.

- A hot-as-hell criminal.

Call me, Carl, with your

shea butter skin-having a*s.

- Ah, it's okay.

He ain't going nowhere without

the keys, right, Chris?

- Uh, yeah.

- Where are the keys, son?

[engine turns over]

[tires squealing]

[sobbing]

Chris!

- Run, kid!

singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]

- Boy!

[funky music]

♪