01x12 - Everybody Still Hates White Saviors

[bunniefuu]

[record scratching]

[hip-hop music]

CHRIS [voiceover]: When I was

a kid, everyone wanted to be like Mike.

Even though we couldn't hold

Michael Jordan's jockstrap,

we could wear his shoes.

Is this the line

to buy Jordans?

Nope.

Finally,

my very own pair of--

Damn it.

[dreamy music]

[grunts]

[lights switching off]

ANNOUNCER: From Bed-Stuy,

a very small forward, Chris!

[kisses]

[crowd exclaiming]

He just got the new Jordans.

[grumbles]

[dribbling]

[grunting]

[wailing]

[dramatic music]

[shattering]

GIRL: Oh, my gosh!

Can I get your autograph?

Can I get your number?

How did you do that?

It's gotta be the shoes.

♪

$100?

Trust me,

they're worth every--

That's why I bought an extra--

Damn it.

k*ll Moves,

you only took one shoe!

Yeah.

One wife is all I need.

[hip-hop music]

CHRIS [voiceover]:

My father worked hard for his money,

and my mother worked harder

spending it.

So I needed a genius plan

to get 100 bucks.

[clears throat]

Father, can I get an allowance?

We allow you to live here

for no rent.

That's your allowance.

Can I earn some extra money

doing chores around the house?

You already do chores

for free.

Just for asking that, you get

double chores for double free.

CHRIS [voiceover]:

Luckily, I had a plan B.

I need cash.

Please, Daddy, please.

Boy, quit begging me

for money.

You're better than that.

No, I'm not.

I'll do anything.

I'll eat less food.

I'll drink less water.

I'll breathe less air.

[holds breath] Mm?

Chris, we're not gonna

starve,

dehydrate, and suffocate you.

Well, let's hear him out.

How much you need anyway?

[exhales]

[panting] Uh

just $100.

[sputtering]

Why do you need $100?

[gasps] Is it drugs?

No, it's for--

A nose job!

No, the new Jordans.

I need them.

[scoffs]

Nobody needs $100 shoes.

Do you know what

we could buy with $100?

Air conditioner,

microwave, dishwasher

[upbeat music]

$100 gift certificate

to JCPenney,

$100 gift certificate

to TJ Maxx,

$100 gift certificate

to the gift certificate store.

The point is,

no one in this family

is spending $100 on sneakers.

[sighs]

Can I get a pink phone for my room?

Sure, honey.

Oh, come on!

Tonya always gets

whatever she wants.

[scoffs] Like what?

Rollerblades.

Her pet c*ck, Squawky.

[squawking]

The pipe organ

from that old cathedral.

[dramatic organ music playing]

I said no.

End of discussion.

[sad organ music playing]

♪

You know, Chris has a point.

You--you want me

to buy him $100 shoes?

No, but you give Tonya

whatever she wants.

'Cause she's my sweet,

perfect angel

who can do no wrong!

Of course I'm gonna pamper

my baby girl.

That's how fathers are.

CHRIS [voiceover]: He's right.

I just bought my daughter

a date with Timothée Chalamet.

How do you think Chris feels

when you treat Tonya

differently?

I don't care how he feels.

I'm trying to keep him

from being a bum.

That's how it is for men.

OK, honey.

CHRIS [voiceover]: Let's see

so you can see

what she really said.

That's how it is for men.

OK, honey.

I'mma let you be wrong,

'cause I'm sleepy.

[hip-hop music]

Nice shoes,

Kareem Abdul-Ja-Barf.

[grunts] Hey!

Caruso's right, Chris.

Your shoes do suck.

Man. [sighs]

I've gotta get Jordans.

With what?

Your welfare check?

Chris isn't on welfare.

His dad has two jobs

and barely makes more

than if he was on welfare.

Thanks, Greg.

[scoffs]

You can't even afford underwear

that isn't ripped.

My underwear is not--

[yelps]

[laughter]

When he gets Jordans,

he's gonna dunk on you so hard.

Oh, yeah?

I'm gonna dunk these so hard.

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no!

[splashing]

Looks like someone

forgot to flush.

Who had carrots last night?

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

[laughs]

Nice punch, Muhammad Ugly.

[grunts]

Principal's office, now!

It was me.

I had carrots last night.

Well, it's obvious

who's to blame here--

rap music.

Which emcees have you

been jiving to?

Kool Moe Dee?

Grandmister Flash?

[gasps] Nwa?

It's N-W-A. Can I go?

Yes, but I'll see you

in detention--

and probably juvenile detention

if you don't start grooving

to some better choices.

[gasps] Wait, Chris.

Where are your shoes?

I tried to tell you--

You don't have shoes

because your family can't

afford basic necessities.

I want to buy you

some new kicks.

Go on, get to steppin'.

Actually,

the shoes I need are $100.

A Benjamin?

I know it's a lot.

It's just

[somber music playing]

They're the only kind of shoes

that fit Black feet properly.

I never knew

Black people had it so hard.

What you need is an

inspirational white mentor,

like Goldie Hawn in Wildcats,

Jon Voight in Conrack,

Jim Belushi in The Principal.

Yep, thanks.

No, thank you!

It feels so good to help

at-risk inner city youths.

CHRIS [voiceover]: Like Michelle

Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds,

Sean Connery

in Finding Forrester,

Hilary Swank

in Freedom Writers.

Guess what I'm wearing.

Uh, no.

The new Jordans!

I finally got what I wanted.

Now I know how it feels

to be punk-a*s Tonya.

You're gonna be so popular,

like Michael Jordan,

which means I'll be

your Scootie Pappen.

CHRIS [voiceover]: Greg didn't

know a lot about basketball.

No one's gonna

mess with me now,

unless my dad finds out

I have these.

JULIUS: Chris, I need the phone.

Uh, just a second!

[thwack]

Ah!

Drew, what are you

doing here?

Uh, I've been here

the whole time.

I was under the bed pretending

I was in a spaceship.

Please don't say

anything to Dad.

Chris, you know

I'm a bad liar.

What are you two doing?

Not hiding anything.

W--why would we?

Here's the phone. Bye!

GREG: I can't wait to see

your new Jor-- [hanging up]

CHRIS: The next day, I hid

the Jordans in my backpack.

All I had to do was get

out of the house without--

Chris is hiding Jordans

in his backpack.

You bought Jordans?

- What?

- How?

CHRIS: Now I know how it feels

to be punk-a*s Tonya.

Who's the punk a*s now?

Where'd you get $100?

[gasps] From dealing drugs?

I don't care

how you got the money.

You're returning those shoes.

But, Dad,

this is the first time

I've ever gotten

something I wanted.

Oh, what about Christmas?

I wanted a Starter jacket.

You got me a Benchwarmer coat.

'Cause it's warmer!

It's right there in the name!

Dad, please.

Tonya got a new phone.

That's different.

She needed it.

She only needed it

to eavesdrop on me.

Why aren't you punishing her?

'Cause unlike you,

I'd never lie to Daddy.

Me also.

The same.

Well, you better get going.

You're gonna be

late for school.

Return those shoes

on your way.

No, I'm keeping them.

[all gasping]

If you won't return them,

I will.

But those are my shoes

that I bought with my money.

This is my house

that I bought with my money.

And you're my son

that I made with my--

never mind!

The point is, I make the rules.

And if you don't like it,

you can move out.

You know what?

I don't like it,

so I will move out.

[gasps]

Oh.

[laughs] Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Damn it.

[relaxed music]

You went too far, Julius.

He'll come back.

What if he doesn't?

You're gambling

with our son's life!

He's only been gone

30 seconds!

This is an opportunity

to teach Chris a lesson.

What lesson?

How to sleep on a bus bench?

How to light a crack pipe?

He'll learn

that life is hard,

and no one's gonna

give him anything.

CHRIS [voiceover]: Except a

gullible white woman!

And he'll learn to appreciate

everything we give him.

He earned those shoes

for himself.

Why can't he keep them?

I can't back down.

Then Chris wins--

I--I mean, doesn't

learn anything.

The only thing

he'll learn from you is

how to be a stubborn-a*s man.

I'm late for work.

I'm worried, Julius.

I'm not.

Chris will be home

before dinner.

Trust me.

Fine, I trust you.

If my son dies out there,

you'll die in here.

[hip-hop music]

Are you really gonna leave

over a pair of shoes?

It's more than

just the Jordans.

Dad doesn't care about me.

He's probably happy I'm gone.

So where are you gonna go?

I've got tons of options.

Please!

- You're my only option.

- Sorry.

I'm not allowed

to have sleepovers,

except with people

my dad really trusts,

like Father O'Malley

and Scoutmaster Rick.

What am I gonna do?

If I go home, my dad wins.

Chris, where are

your new sneaks?

My dad took them

and kicked me out of the house.

I guess that means

I'm homeless.

[gasps]

I knew you were Black,

but I had no idea

you were this Black.

CHRIS [voiceover]:

I knew you were that r*cist!

So can I have some money?

Money isn't the answer,

Chris.

No, it is.

What is it you really want?

Maybe a nose job.

All I want is a pair of

Jordans and a Starter jacket.

[gasps] Because you've

never owned a coat,

you need a starter jacket

to learn how to wear one.

Oh, Chris!

Come shopping with me

after school, OK?

I'll buy you whatever you want.

Yes!

I mean

thank you.

[hip-hop music]

[gasps] Where's Chris?

In jail? Dead?

Was it drugs?

Mom, he's fine.

Oh, thank God!

Where is he?

He's with Principal Morello.

That crazy-a*s white lady?

Why?

I don't know.

Don't tell your father.

You want me to lie?

I'm gonna make him sweat.

[hip-hop music]

Chris, um, why do you need

a gold chain?

CHRIS [voiceover]: I knew

scamming her was wrong, but

It just reminds me

of my sister.

I still can't believe

she got run over by a bus.

[gasps]

Was this before or after

your brother went to jail?

The same day.

He was driving the bus.

Oh, Chris.

To go through that while

your father's a crack addict

and your mother's

a crack dealer?

[sighs]

At least I have

a principal I can count on.

I'll take the gold chain.

CHRIS [voiceover]: I loved

having a white savior.

Back then, I didn't know

it was a bad thing.

The only white savior I ever

heard of was Larry Bird.

OK.

Uh, I'm gonna go now.

Where? To a youth shelter?

Chris, no.

What you need is a hot meal

with a side order of love.

Like at Red Lobster?

You're coming home with me.

[gulps] Uh

[hip-hop music]

CHRIS [voiceover]: While I was

having a pity party,

Tonya was having

a regular one.

I wish she had been

run over by a bus.

What's all this?

Wait, Chris isn't back yet?

I don't know what place

Chris is at currently.

Time for dinner.

Tonya, get down

and set the table.

Drew, pour drinks.

We're all gonna have

more chores to do

now that Chris lives

under a bridge somewhere.

He'll be back before--

Dinner!

[soft music]

MRS. MORELLO: I hope you

like soul food.

I made chicken a la Dr. King,

macaroni and butter,

and creamed cauliflower.

It looks so

White?

Sorry, I was out

of Black-guy peas.

You mean black-eyed peas?

Oops, I almost

forgot seasoning.

[sighs]

ROCHELLE:

Chris, pass the greens.

Oh, right.

He's a teenage runaway.

Daddy, now that

Chris is gone forever,

can I have all his

earthly possessions?

He's not gone!

He didn't leave school

with anyone?

Chris?

No, not any human person.

ROCHELLE: Speaking of living

on the street,

I saw k*ll Moves today.

Did you know his father

kicked him out too?

And he turned out fine.

I said k*ll Moves

turned out fine!

Oh, k*ll Moves!

What are you doing here?

Has anybody seen

my wife, Jordana?

Oh, look at that.

I was wearing her

the whole time.

[sighs]

♪

A lot of Kevin Eubanks.

I used to listen to him

with my husband, Jerry--

well, ex-husband.

[sighs]

I'm still getting used to that.

I always thought

he'd come back,

and we'd start

a family together.

But it's OK.

I have my students.

[sobbing]

What do I do, Chris?

How do I get a man to stay?

CHRIS [voiceover]:

Not like this.

I should go home.

No, you can't!

It's not safe for you there.

I'll be fine.

But you're exactly

what I need--

a Black man who suddenly

appears in my life

to help me solve

all my problems,

like Sidney Poitier

in Lilies of the Field,

Clarence Muse

in The Black S--

I miss my family!

[sighs] Fine.

But I can't let you go

until I talk to your mother.

CHRIS [voiceover]: I was about

to get busted for lying to my white savior,

but at least

I wouldn't have to be

her magical n*gro anymore,

like Michael Clark Duncan

in The Green Mile

or Morgan Freeman

in every movie he's done.

Are you worried about Chris?

Nope.

[phone ringing]

That might be him.

[phone ringing]

He might be in trouble.

[phone ringing]

You sure you don't want

to get that?

[phone ringing]

I'm sure.

TONYA: Ugh, is someone gonna

answer the phone?

[phone ringing]

What?

Uh, this is Vivian Morello.

Your son Chris is here

at my apartment.

He wants to come home,

but I need to know

he'll be safe.

[clears throat]

Nope, we don't want Chris

anymore!

You can keep him!

[c*ck chirps]

What's wrong?

Your family doesn't

want you anymore.

What?

It's OK, Chris.

Now I know what

you really need--

to be raised in a caring,

nurturing white household,

like Emmanuel Lewis

in Webster,

Gary Coleman

in Diff'rent Strokes.

What you talkin' about,

Principal Morello?

I want to adopt you, Chris.

Let me be your white mommy.

♪

[hip-hop music]

Julius, what are you

thinking about?

Uh

What's wrong with you?

My dad kicked me out.

He didn't want me to be a bum.

You need this more than I do.

[sighs]

REPORTER [on TV]: We're live in

a neighborhood

called Bedford-Stuyvesant,

where crime is rampant,

according to the one white man

I interviewed.

But thankfully,

police statistics show

that most of the victims

are actually Black.

What?

They're usually teenagers

who live on the street,

feeble ones with a big nose,

buck teeth, and--

Ah!

Julius?

You OK?

I'm worried about Chris.

What?

You are?

You were right, Rochelle.

I went too far.

Go on.

I was being stubborn,

and I should have

let you handle it.

Well, I'm glad we agree.

And don't worry.

He's safe

at Principal Morello's.

Oh, thank God!

[gasps]

You knew where he was

the whole time?

Me? No. [chuckles]

You can stop now, Drew.

Oh, my God.

Of course I knew

where he was.

I'm in total control

of the situation.

Principal Morello?

This is Chris's mother.

I'm coming to pick him up.

I'm sorry, but Chris ran off.

He what?

I tried to stop him,

but he was too fast

in his Air Michael Jordans.

Apparently,

victims of street crime

are being targeted

for one thing--

Air Michael Jordans.

Up next, I try to do

Jazzercise without farting.

[laughs]

Oh, it doesn't go well.

I'm sorry!

I wasn't in control!

It's my fault!

I was too hard on Chris!

I lied to everyone!

And the worst part is,

I was so good at it!

[groans]

Chris!

You came home!

I had nowhere else to go.

And I know you don't

want me anymore, but--

What?

Of course we want you!

CHRIS [voiceover]: At that

moment, I realized I was wrong about my dad.

He did care about me,

and so did my mom.

Boy, I should whoop your a*s

for scaring us like that!

I love you and I'm glad

you are safe.

But on the phone, you said

Principal Morello

could keep me.

I would never say that.

Then who did?

Um, it--it was Chris!

He impersonated me

impersonating Mama.

Chris wasn't even here.

Hmph. Yeah, Tonya.

You're a bad liar.

Fine, it was me.

My sweet, perfect angel

did something wrong?

Yes! Finally!

You are so busted.

[tires skidding]

Oh, no.

Get away from my Black son.

Excuse me?

Are you high right now?

Are you?

I get why you came home.

You don't know

anything different.

But Mommy's here to save you.

Excuse me?

With parents like you,

it's no wonder

Chris's brother is in jail.

Wait, I am?

Drew, you and Chris

are related?

But you're so--and he's so--

Look, it can't be easy

to see your only daughter

get run over by a bus.

What?

Who told you I got--

Fine!

None of that stuff

about my family was true.

[gasps]

Why would you lie to me?

So you'd feel bad for me

and buy me Jordans

and a Starter jacket

and ripped jeans

and a gold chain

and another pair of Jordans.

Oh!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Where are your new clothes?

I got robbed.

Did you fight back?

I tried,

but the guy was huge.

[hip-hop music]

Give me the Jordans!

They won't even fit you.

I'll grow into them.

♪

Ooh, is that

a Starter jacket?

♪

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I didn't need that stuff.

I have everything I need

right here.

[sniffles, sobs]

Are you OK?

Yeah, Chris will pay

you back for the clothes.

I would never take

your money.

You'll need it for bail.

And I'm more than OK.

[sobbing]

CHRIS [voiceover]: Then why you

blowing snot bubbles like Viola Davis?

[blows nose]

I didn't just help

one troubled urban teen--

I saved an entire

dysfunctional Black family!

Who you calling

dysfunctional?

You forgot to put

your car in park.

[gasps]

You're welcome, all of you!

[horns honking]

[scoffs] Upstairs, now.

I'm so happy

you're back, Chris.

Yeah, me too.

Wow.

Thanks, Tonya.

Hey, at least I noticed

you were gone.

[sighs] What are we gonna do

with these lying-a*s kids?

[sighs] All I know is

you should handle it this time.

Actually, I think you should.

It really scared me

when you kicked Chris out.

But in the end, you were right.

He learned to appreciate

everything we give him.

I trust you, Julius, completely.

You better not pull

this again!

[tires skidding]

Check out my new ride!

Wait!

I need you to drive me around

and share your wisdom with me!

Chris,

you're grounded for a month.

Yeah, I figured.

Tonya, you too.

[gasps] What? But Daddy--

From now on, everybody

will be treated equally.

Then Drew should be

grounded too.

He was lying the whole time.

Don't you dare punish Drew.

He's my special, perfect baby.

I thought you trusted me

completely.

I do.

I don't.

Daddy, can I at least

keep my princess phone?

Sure, honey.

And you can keep these.

[gasps] Really?

You can have

whatever you want

if you scam

a white lady for it.

[all gasping]

[dramatic music]

[chiming]

Chris has the new Jordans!

I'm his Skeeter Poppins!

Oh!

[dribbling]

♪

[muffled speech]

Oh!

[laughter]

Huh.

I guess it wasn't the shoes.

SINGERS: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]

[groans]

[hip-hop music]

♪