01x11 - Everybody Still Hates Down South"

[bunniefuu]

[funky music]

[Chris] My family was

headed to South Carolina

for spring break.

I couldn't wait

to get out of Bed-Stuy.

I had been on a major losing

streak for the whole year.

I failed my GED.

I got rejected

by my dream girl.

Ow.

And high school

was a real pain in the

[grunting]

ba*ls.

Come on, let's move.

We got to get to your

grandfather's 80th.

- Dang.

- Chill.

It's supposed to be a vacation.

Vacation?

[man] Ooh, beach ball.

[sighs] Come on.

I just want to relax and chill.

Don't talk that way

around your grandfather.

There's nothing he hates

more than relaxing.

He hates Jheri curls

because they're too relaxed.

One summer,

he made me work four jobs--

the graveyard shift

at a Days Inn, the day shift

at a graveyard,

Thursdays at TGI Fridays,

and Mondays at Ruby Tuesday.

It was so confusing.

Well, what are we going

to do down there then?

Get jobs?

No.

We're going to

stand up straight.

We're going to look like men.

And we're going

to be happy for me

when I crush your Uncle Louis

at my dad's birthday hunt.

Ugh, I don't have

to do that, do I?

Nope. Just me

and your Uncle Louis.

Here,

start loading the car.

[grunts]

You sure you need

all those pants?

You know it gets pretty

hot down South, honey.

Want to pack some shorts?

Shorts aren't cool.

They're for White dads

at jazz festivals.

And our dad, respectfully.

Daddy, can I just

please stay home?

Tonya, sweetie,

we couldn't afford a family trip

to the South for years.

But thanks to your

mama's severance,

we actually get to go.

And I'm bringing the

best presents, grandkids.

That would be you,

so you're going,

unless you

got something better to do.

I do.

I want to watch

MTV Spring Break

on Ladonna's cable box.

I want my MTV.

[Chris] But you don't

want an STD,

which is what

everyone

on that show came home with.

Please stop complaining

and get in the car.

Oh, I can't wait to see Maw-Maw

for some mother-daughter time.

But Maw-Maw's Dad's mom.

We're going to gut

rabbits and make stew.

It's kind of our thing.

Well, I want to make

watching college students

go "whoo"

in Daytona Beach kind of mine

and Ladonna's thing.

Come on, kids.

Let's go.

[funky music]

[Chris]

Despite what my dad said,

I was still

gonna enjoy break.

Aw, come on.

They didn't notice

I was missing

till the Jersey Turnpike.

Hey, come back.

You forgot me.

[man] Shut up.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

[brakes squeaking]

We're here, Maw-Maw!

So loud.

Here they are.

Maw-Maw,

I missed you so much.

Missed you too, baby.

[grunts]

Did you see that?

It's like our hearts merged.

That was like

a half-second hug.

A half-second of hug,

a lifetime of connection.

Drew, you're so handsome.

Tonya, you look so grown.

And, Chris, you're so--

well, god bless you, baby.

[sighs]

Julius, look at you.

You're still the spitting

image of your daddy.

Well, before he got

diabetes, glaucoma,

and hardened by the White man.

Aw, thanks, Maw-Maw.

[groans]

That boy's got city arms.

Oh.

Hey, Grandpa.

You remember my younger,

stronger son, Drew.

Hello, young man.

You going to be

hot in those pants?

I'd rather suffer in

pants than humiliate

myself in shorts, respectfully.

[slurping]

Whoops.

Sorry.

Was that loud?

Oh, hello, Julius.

Louis.

Nice mug.

Oh, I had no idea

it said this.

I thought it said "Best Dad."

So I bought another mug

for our father

and paid full price,

plus express shipping.

He's probably not

going to drink out of it

because he's so excited

to spend time with my children.

We'll see.

You're going to take

all the bags to the room

upstairs on the right.

You'll know it because

you'll feel that good AC.

Oh, sh**t, Rochelle.

Y'all wouldn't mind staying

somewhere different this time,

would you?

[twangy banjo music]

[chickens clucking]

You said that

Maw-Maw was going

to give you the best room.

She did us one better.

She gave us a whole

house to ourselves.

If it were my mom, she would

have said, "Here's some 2x4s.

Build your own house."

[sniffs]

I think this shack is perfect.

It'll get me back

in touch with nature

before our father-son hunt.

[sniffs, sighs]

Daddy,

can I borrow money to take

a Greyhound home so I can watch

MTV Spring Break

with Ladonna?

Ah, we're here to spend

time with family.

You can hang out with your

cousins by the creek or with me

and Maw-Maw in the house.

You got it?

A creek?

Seriously, a creek?

A creek?

Oh, uh, I love creeks.

[Chris]

I hated creeks.

But this was

my chance to relax.

[sighs]

[Elder Leroy] Chris!

What?

Who?

Elder Leroy?

Here I am,

out in these brambles,

working hard to set up

my birthday hunt,

and I catch my own

grandson relaxing.

No, I wasn't relaxing.

Then what are you doing?

I was just waiting for

an apple to fall on my head

so I could make

a scientific discovery.

[grunts] Ain't gravity

already been discovered?

Well, uh, not all of it.

Now, when it comes to

the women in this family,

rule numero uno

is they love their Uno.

Uno!

My seat!

Yeah,

I thought you said Maw-Maw

always sits next to you.

She does.

She will.

I'm sure she'll ask one

of those h*ifers to move.

Hey, Maw-Maw.

Oh, hey, Rochelle,

Tonya, take a seat.

Way over there, huh?

If I tried to call you,

it'd be long-distance.

Heh-heh-heh

heh-heh.

She probably just wants to

sit across from me so we can

look into each other's eyes.

Mm-hmm.

[man on TV]

For the best chitlins in town,

come on down to Bubba Boyd's.

TV!

Cable!

Tonya,

stop staring at the TV.

We're here to spend

time with family.

Yeah. I'm going to go hang

out with Uncle Jasper.

He's family.

He's sleeping.

I'll wake him up.

Sit your butt down.

We're having precious

moments with Maw-Maw.

[grunts]

Say, Elder Leroy,

did you by any chance

take your new entertainment

system for a spin yet?

No, I'm 80.

Why would I want that?

You wasted your money again.

Mm-hmm.

[chuckles]

All I wanted for my birthday

was a bunch of dead rabbits

to put in Maw-Maw's stew.

But what I got

was a giant stereo

I didn't need

and a bunch of

lazy-a*s grandkids.

[gasping]

Well, well, well.

Sorry, Elder Leroy.

It's just a-- a little hot.

That's because you in pants.

Nah.

Okay. This year, my grandsons

are coming on the hunt, too.

We're going to make

men out of you boys.

But I want to

beat Louis myself.

I mean, it's always just

been me, you, and Louis.

Well, I think it's

a wonderful idea, Elder Leroy.

Yes, I totally agree.

But I agreed first.

But I agreed better-er-er.

Both of you shut up.

Louis, since you failed

to give me any offspring

Ha!

you'll have to

pair up with Drew.

Ha!

Wait. Me and Chris?

I mean, hell, yeah.

It's okay.

I'm generally not good

at things like Drew is.

[chuckles]

Very funny, Chris.

He's only kidding, Elder Leroy.

Well, Chris, I don't

find you very funny at all.

[Chris] Maybe.

But now you're dead.

And I have seven specials.

Chris and I will do great.

I only raise winners.

We got this.

[Chris] The only

people who say "we got this"

don't got that.

Bam!

Draw four, sucker.

Maw-Maw, remember that time

we played Uno doubles,

and me and you crushed

Julius and Chris?

Had Julius sniffling

all the way home.

Yes, that was nice.

Hey, how's your

neighbor, Robbie?

He still always up on his roof?

Oh, poor thing.

Fell on his head, and his spine

shot right out of his backside.

Wow.

Um, sorry to hear that.

Your turn, Rochelle.

Oh, I feel bad

for you, Jerrica.

Bam, bam, bam.

That's three draw twos.

Pick up six, son.

You can't stack cards.

What you talking about?

Stacking cards

is the whole game.

Must be a New York thing.

Mm-hmm.

Kind of like your accent.

I don't got an accent.

I'm talkin' regula'.

Ha!

Regula'.

Oh, it's OK, Rochelle.

You've moved on up.

[laughter]

[twangy music]

Come on, Chris.

Let's go.

[groans]

It's too early.

The roosters ain't even up yet.

[rooster crowing]

I'm taking my bird a*s

back to bed.

Hey, wake up.

It's time to show

Elder Leroy we can win.

Can't we show him at noon?

Why has he got to

be such a hard a*s?

A hard a*s?

You have no idea the horrors

that man has survived--

the Depression,

colored-only bathrooms,

and then having to share

bathrooms with White people.

You know their stomachs.

Wait.

Shh.

Don't shush me.

No.

I hear a rabbit.

How'd you know it was there?

[laughs]

Caruso.

[growls]

I'm a Black kid

at an all-White school.

All my senses are heightened.

[g*n clicks]

[Chris] We're going

to go with rainbow sparkles

because this is a family show.

Hey, it's your job to explain

death to your kids, not mine.

Our team, one.

Everybody else,

but especially Louis, zero.

[panting]

[Chris] I didn't like

seeing innocent rabbits die.

But if that's what it took

to break my losing streak,

I'd put them in

a pot like Glenn Close.

[snoring]

Shirtless twenty-somethings,

here I come.

[groaning]

Jasmine Guy.

Oh, it's "A Different World."

[gasps] You trying

to change the channel?

Well, you were asleep.

I was watching

She's the Sheriff.

Nothing helps me sleep better

than a woman with a g*n.

[yawns]

Come to me.

Tonya, there you are.

[groans]

You may have noticed things

are a little off between me

and Maw-Maw.

You mean how she'd

rather spend time

with everyone else but you?

Okay, so you noticed.

But it's my fault.

I probably should have

called her more.

We lost touch.

But I have a plan.

I'm going to recreate the day

we first bonded to remind her

of the magic we have together.

You want to "Parent Trap"

your mother-in-law?

No, don't make this weird.

We bonded over cooking stew

and then drinking moonshine.

So I'm going to have us

do it all over again.

So "Parent Trap."

Fine.

Whatever.

Now shut your trap and help me.

I need to create the same

hairstyle I had when I was 23.

[groans]

[Chris]

Thanks to a lifetime of being

preyed on by bullies,

I'd finally found

something I was good at.

The hunted

had become the hunter.

[upbeat music]

[g*nsh*t]

[cheers and applause]

[g*nsh*t]

[cheers and applause]

That's ten rabbits, Dad.

There's no way Louis

is even coming close.

We'll see who's drinking out

of that Best Son mug tonight.

[Chris] I loved

feeling like a winner.

I might have stayed

in South Carolina forever

if it weren't

for the bugs and the Klan.

Oil, vegetables, peeler.

Okay.

Ready to prep.

And moonshine to seal the deal.

Maw-Maw, come on and help me.

I'm prepping the stew.

I got to go get my

hair done with the girls.

I'd invite you, but I see

you've already did yours.

[gasps]

No, i didn't.

My masterpiece.

Tonya, get your a*s

down to that creek.

Forget the hairdresser.

We could do each other's

hair while we cook stew.

How much moonshine

did you drink?

[gasps]

Please don't leave just yet.

Rochelle,

please give me my hand back.

But you haven't

tasted the onions.

I don't want any onions.

Let me go.

Stop being weird.

I'm being weird?

[both grunting]

Oh, my God, what?

What? What?

We're having fun.

Don't worry, Maw-Maw.

I'll save you.

You're the one on fire.

No, that's not water!

[flames roaring]

[both] Ahh!

[twangy music]

Well, Elder Leroy,

Chris and I got ten rabbits.

[whistles]

Ten?

[Louis] Ten ain't nothing.

[panting]

How many did you get?

[grunts]

Ten also.

Damn it.

Looks like we have ourselves

a classic rabbit tie.

And you know what that means.

We all win, and I can go

take a nice, cool shower?

Hell, no.

The first team to k*ll

a rabbit next wins.

[dramatic music]

[Chris and Drew gasp]

There, Dad.

Ooh, we got you now.

Damn it.

My muscly body is just too big.

Chris, I need you to do this.

If we get this rabbit, I win.

Me?

Really?

Uh, okay.

Take the shot, son.

[tense music]

Really, Chris,

you're going to sh**t me?

I'm just trying to

win for once, rabbit.

You wouldn't winning if it

punched you in your buck teeth.

You're just trying

to please your daddy.

And he's just trying

to please his.

Nah.

You're just being wise

so I don't sh**t you.

I know all your rabbit tricks.

[Julius] Come on, Chris.

sh**t that rabbit so

my dad will love me.

I mean, so we win.

Oh, my gosh.

You're right.

Let's go.

Fire.

I don't want to.

Oh, Chris, give me the g*n.

Thank you for being

such a p*ssy, Chris.

I have literally

hundreds of babies.

And the thought of

them growing up with--

[g*nsh*t]

[cheers and applause]

Yes! I win. Ha!

You had it.

Why didn't you sh**t?

Julius, give up.

The boy doesn't

have what it takes.

I knew the moment

I saw him lazing about.

You let Elder Leroy

see you relaxing?

Yes. That's all I wanted

to do on this trip.

But instead, I spent my whole

vacation trying to please you.

[pants, groans]

Everyone, back up.

I'm a doctor.

Chiropractor.

[Louis] The patient

has heat exhaustion.

I alone know how to save him.

[fabric ripping]

Shorts?

No.

I can feel my legs.

I can feel my legs!

[twangy music]

See, it's a metaphor.

Things can be fixed.

Damn you, metaphor.

I'm sorry

I blew up your kitchen.

Not as sorry as me if my

insurance doesn't cover it.

Maw-Maw, what happened to us?

I thought we had a bond.

We did.

Until you moved to New York

and forgot

your Southern manners.

What do you mean?

New York hasn't changed me.

I'll cut you!

Ahh! Stop playing, Rochelle!

Okay.

Maybe it's changed me a little.

But deep down,

I'm still the same Rochelle.

The old Rochelle

used to say thank you.

I do say thank you.

Not for the boiled peanuts

I send you every year.

What boiled peanuts?

[snoring]

Jasper, can you mail

these boiled peanuts

to Rochelle?

Sure thing, Maw-Maw.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Still got it.

You never got

my boiled peanuts?

And all this time,

I've been treating you

like a redheaded stepchild.

It's all right, Maw-Maw.

I've been acting crazy

since we got here.

I don't think

you're crazy, Rochelle.

I was just so desperate

for mother-daughter time.

I don't know why.

Maybe because you

haven't been getting

that from your actual mother.

Yeah.

I watch Oprah.

You're right.

I have some stuff I need

to work out with her.

Thank you

for helping me see that.

Told you I say thank you.

Want to go gut some rabbits?

I would love that.

[Chris] After two days

of spring break,

I was finally taking a break.

First, I catch you

loafing around in the woods.

Now, you're laying on my bed

with your outside clothes on.

[groans]

Julius, you raised a loser.

You know what?

You're right.

Uh, Dad?

Chris is one of the

biggest losers I've ever met.

He fails constantly.

Yeah.

You can stop any time.

He could stay down

and lick his wounds, but no.

Every time, my son picks

himself up and tries again.

And loses.

And being a loser

who doesn't quit,

well, that makes that loser

more of a winner

than any man here.

[Chris] Somewhere,

deep down in all those insults,

my dad was saying he loved me.

Elder Leroy, you were wrong

for being so hard on Chris.

And you were wrong

for being so hard on me

and Louis all these years.

It hurt our relationship.

I hope, starting today, we

can work on making it better.

I'd love that, brother.

I don't care about

earning your approval anymore

or even beating Louis.

But I do care about my son.

And you need to apologize

to him right now.

Takes a lot of guts

to stand up to your old man.

I'm proud of you.

Really?

I never thought I'd hear

you say those words.

Well, you did.

And they're the last words

you're ever going to hear.

You think I'm going to let

you speak to me that way

on my birthday?

Come here.

Chris,

run and pack your bags.

I would never

talk back to you, Daddy.

Get him.

Screw you, Louis.

Denise, I thought we

were going to the creek.

What's that?

Creeknik.

[all] Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

It's like Freaknik

but, like, creek-based.

[all cheering]

[donkey braying]

Ahh!

[all cheering]

Who is that Black

leprechaun-looking guy?

Oh, that's a

Black leprechaun.

[Chris] Tonya

realized there was something

even better than watching

drunk people on TV--

watching drunk

people in real life.

[Julius] Tonya, come on.

We got to go.

Daddy, no.

I'm not playing.

Let's go.

I want my Creeknik.

Jasper, how could you steal

Rochelle's boiled peanuts?

I-I just like

juggling them.

They make me feel talented.

Thank you, Maw-Maw.

You were right, Rochelle.

New York hasn't

changed you a bit.

Mugger!

[screams] Rochelle!

Oops.

Sorry, Jerrica.

Come on, Rochelle.

Time to go.

[Chris]

My dad was right.

My superpower was

getting back up

after getting knocked down.

And that made me feel like I

could face whatever life threw

my way when I got back home.

[frogs croaking]

Come on. Come on. Come on.

We got to get out of here.

You're leaving

without giving me a hug?

I was going to mail you one

when we got home.

Bye, Maw-Maw.

Come back soon, Rochelle.

Mom, close the window.

My legs are freezing.

Julius!

Come back here!

Nope!

Got to go.

[Chris panting]

Oh, come on.

Close enough.

[belt whips]

Happy birthday?

[screams]

Everybody still hates Chris ♪

[upbeat music playing]