01x08 - Everybody Still Hates Jackie Robinson

[bunniefuu]

[jazzy saxophone music]

[jazzy saxophone music]

[jazzy saxophone music]

[jazzy saxophone music]

♪

- I need you to find my

husband, Detective Cheeks.

I'm concerned

he's met with foul play.

- She's lying.

She k*lled him

for the life insurance.

- My family was good

at spotting the liar,

because we were great

at lying.

[phone ringing]

- If that's Louis, tell

him I'm stuck on the Statue

of Liberty's head.

- My dad lied to avoid

his brother Louis

who was visiting New York.

Uncle Louis was

always one-upping him.

- And the sound quality is way

better than a cassette tape.

- Oh, I know.

Check out my CD player.

The sound system was 14 grand,

but they threw in the car

for free.

[laughs]

[phone rings]

- Hello?

Oh, hey, Louis.

Julius isn't home.

Oh, you just bought a new home.

- [groans]

- He'll be so

happy to hear that.

- [groaning]

- Fibbing was our

second tongue.

We were lie-lingual.

But at least

we all had one person

who always told us the truth.

Drew had my mother.

- You can't wear blue.

You're light-skinned.

- Thank you.

- My mother had Drew.

- Mama, this is nasty.

- Oh, thank you.

- And I had Tonya.

- Dang, you look like

a rejected Ninja Turtle.

- Didn't want her,

but I had her.

No, I don't.

[dramatic sting]

Cowabunga.

- [laugh]

Leo-nerdo.

[upbeat funky music]

- My dad hated it when his

brother was in town,

'cause he could pop in

at any time.

[knock at door]

- It's Louis.

Scatter!

Scatter!

Scatter!

[grunts]

[breathing rapidly]

- Oh.

Hi, Doc.

- Sorry to barge in

like this, but no one

was answering the phone.

- Yeah, it's not

working for some reason.

[dial tone droning]

- Drew, I need you at the

corner store on Saturday.

I'm planning to honor

Jackie Robinson,

and I need you to be there.

- Jackie Robinson!

[breathing rapidly]

What about him?

- I didn't know you

were such a big fan.

- Here we go.

- He broke baseball's

color barrier,

he helped the Dodgers

win the World Series,

and he lived

in a duplex down the street

where I may or may not

leave 42 flowers for him

on his birthday every year.

- You buy flowers for a ghost?

So I've got to die

for you to get me flowers?

- Well, uh, I'm having a Jackie

Robinson promotion at the store

to celebrate number 42.

Buy 41 items

and get the 42nd free.

- Why do you need

me to be there?

- Because Jackie picked you up

when you were a baby.

Don't you remember?

- No, I don't remember anything

from when I was a baby.

[gasp]

Oh, god.

I have amnesia!

Who am I?

- Well, I'll never forget it.

[both groans]

The day, overcast.

You could smell

the coming rain.

The clouds were thick,

but the crowd was thicker.

The sun bathed Drew

in light, and Jackie

picked him up, anointing him.

[gasp]

The boy who got picked up!

The crowd oohed.

[together]

Ooh!

- Did they ahh?

- No, it was just the ooh.

- Drew, I want you

to tell this Jackie

Robinson story on Saturday.

You'll be the main event.

- The main event.

- This was my dad's

chance to one-up

his one-upping-a*s brother.

- I need to call Louis.

Ow!

- Since meeting her

at Tasha's church,

I've been making out

nonstop with--

Amy?

Nope.

I didn't even know her name.

We were so busy

playing tonsil hockey,

we hadn't made time

for tonsil talky.

[both gasp]

- Whoo!

So, um, do you like music?

- Love it.

[laughs]

- You ever listened

to Big Daddy Kane?

- [scoff] I prefer

country because country

singers don't sing bad

about women, or horses.

- Horses?

Uh, so what shows do you like?

- "Bewitched."

Have you seen it?

- No.

- But you said

you liked comedy.

- I do.

I'm into Eddie Murphy.

- Oh, I think you

mean Eddie Munster.

- Mm, I don't.

- What can I get you two?

- We'll start with your

New England clam chowder.

- I only eat

Old England clam chowder.

- I'll give you two a minute.

- Jackie Robinson made it to

second base hundreds of times,

and I wasn't even

going to do it once.

- Huh?

- [whimpers]

- Uh, I got to make

sure my Afro's even.

[funky music]

- What are you doing?

- [gasp]

I'm trying to find

a photo from the day I became

the boy who got picked up.

- Forget the photo.

You need to practice

your speech.

I'm inviting Uncle Louis.

This has got to be the best

speech Louis has ever heard.

- OK, cool, so no pressure.

- Yes, pressure!

This is me putting

pressure on you!

- I mean, I'll try, but I

don't really know much about

that day.

- Then research.

Go to the library.

- It's going to close soon.

I'll never make it,

unless I take a cab.

- [sighs]

- We've been digging for

four score and seven years.

- I never should

have left England.

- Don't give up!

We're going to make

it out together!

[patriotic music]

- Ha, ha!

See ya, suckers!

- Tell my sl*ves I love them.

- Here you go.

Damn, that was $10

worth of dollars.

[suspenseful music]

- Greg?

- What are you doing out there?

I can't let you

ruin this for us.

- Us?

- Yeah, us.

Best friends experience

things through each other.

That's why I'm here.

A win for you is a win

for me, and you are losing.

- It's not my fault.

Me and whatever her name

is have nothing in common.

- Then lie.

Honest-ay won't

get you no boo-tay.

- It feels wrong to lie to

a girl just to get some.

- Do you want to get

to second base or not?

- Of course I do, Greg.

Do you even know me?

- Then go play her, playa.

- Fine.

But you have to promise to

put your pimp voice away

and never bring it out again.

- OK.

- Mom, I was just

at the library,

and I'm confused

about something.

- You went to the library?

On a Friday night?

Don't lie to me, boy.

[gasp]

Is it drugs?

- Huh?

No.

Look at this photo I found from

the day Jackie picked me up.

It's hard to make out my face.

- Newspapers don't know how

to photograph Black people.

You're lucky it's not just

a picture of your teeth.

OK, bedtime.

- Why am I wearing a dress?

- It was the '70s.

Boys wore dresses.

- This doesn't

look like my hair.

- It rained.

Your hair curled up.

- But in the story,

you said you

could smell the coming rain.

- The coming rain came, boy.

- But you said--

- [snoring]

- You know,

while I was sculpting my Afro,

I couldn't help remembering,

I think I did see "Bewitched,"

and I loved it.

- I mean, it's so good, right?

- The only way

it could get better

is if Eddie Munster was in it.

- I thought the same thing.

- What kind of name

is Big Daddy Kane, anyway?

What he should be rapping

about is being a big father

in his children's lives.

- This is really nice, Chris.

- Yeah, Red Lobster's the best.

Save room for dessert.

- Oh, Chris.

I want to be the dessert.

[funky music]

[both gasp]

- I had finally

gotten to second base,

and it was all thanks to Greg.

Maybe I should have

listened to him more often.

- Are we-- in there yet?

- Never mind.

I'll remember this

night on my deathbed.

- Me too.

I finally found the

Darrin to my Samantha.

- Who?

- Uh, from "Bewitched."

- I know.

I meant, whoo!

Like, ooh, boy.

What a great show.

- And now we can watch it

every night on the couch.

And you know what's next?

- Uh, you touch my boobs?

- You meeting my family!

This is the start

of our lives together!

- I just wanted to

get to second base,

but she was trying

to take me home.

- Both of them

at the same time?

Did you lift them up?

What's under them?

- Uh-- uh-- sweat?

It doesn't matter.

There's a problem.

- What problem?

We are literally in there.

- We?

No, no.

I'm in there way too deep.

She thinks we're serious

because you made me lie to her.

- She let you touch her boob.

The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther

King Jr. did not march for you

to waste that freedom, Chris.

- White people toss out

MLK's name like a drunk guy

playing cornhole.

She wants me to

meet her family.

- Dude, you've got

to break up with her.

- I can't believe this,

but you're right again.

I have to break up with--

wh-- what's her name?

[knock at door]

- Chris!

- Oh, god.

She's here.

- Hey, babe.

I know we just saw each

other, but I missed you.

- I missed you, too.

- I can't wait for you to come

roller-skating with my

family tomorrow.

- Yeah, about that,

I think we should talk.

- Wait, for real?

I love that you love to talk.

I'm tired of getting

my heart broken by jerks

who just want to feel me up.

I'm glad you're different,

Chris.

So what do you

want to talk about?

- Uh,

how country music is so good.

Liar.

[window squeaking]

- I need to talk to Drew.

Have you seen him?

- Who cares?

Can't talk.

Gotta clean.

- Oh, you invited Louis over.

It wouldn't be for

Jackie Robinson day, would it?

- Oh, is that today?

- Mm-hmm.

I can smell the fake on you.

- Ain't no fake on me.

- You're trying to rub

it in your brother's face

that Jackie Robinson

picked up your son.

- [laughs] His face

is going to look so dumb.

- Mm-hmm.

That's just what I thought.

- [sighs] Louis always makes

everything about him.

But today,

it's finally about me.

- What?

It's about your son.

- Who is an extension of me.

I made him from me.

[knock at door]

Shut up.

He's here!

Louis, I'm so glad to see you.

- Well, I got your message

on my answering service.

Did you know with my answering

service I can get messages

anywhere in the world?

- Wow.

You're answering

service sounds amazing.

I'm so glad you're

telling me about it.

Get in here.

- Hey, Louis.

Long time.

- Well, maybe I'm going

crazy, but I thought

Julius was avoiding me.

- Me?

Avoid my own brother?

Well, that answering service

must be off because you

got the wrong message.

[laughs]

We have fun together.

- Since I couldn't

break up with Alicia--

nope, that wasn't it--

I wondered if life with

her wouldn't be so bad.

[twinkling]

- [laughs]

Oh my god.

She did it again.

[laughs]

- I like this too.

- Let's try the new Eddie

Munster stand-up special.

- I think you

mean Eddie Murphy?

- No, I mean Eddie Munster.

[twinkling]

- And then this vampire

mother[bleep], he--

- Ah!

- Why are you just sitting

there looking stupid?

- I have a problem.

- Of course, you do.

You can't cook,

can't sing, can't run,

can't do the running man,

can't run the mile,

can't run the half mile,

can't watch "Land Before Time"

without crying--

- Tonya, I need a favor.

- Well, well, well.

So this is what your

rock bottom looks like.

- Say everything you just

said, but to my girlfriend.

Then she'll break up with me,

and I won't be the bad guy.

- You want me to help

you by telling the truth

about how much you suck?

- Yes.

What's it going to cost me?

- $50 bucks and make El DeBarge

fall in love with me.

- I'll give you $10

and an El DeBarge cassingle.

- Done.

Can't even negotiate.

I would have done

this for free.

[jazzy music]

♪

- Ugh, did Julius forget to

pay the color bill again?

- Hello, Mother, if that's

even your real name.

- It's not.

You know that's not

my real name, right?

- I didn't, but that's not

what we're talking about.

- Who the hell is playing jazz?

[coin clinks]

- I had a very interesting

morning, Mother.

- The day, overcast.

You could smell

the coming rain.

- The clouds were thick,

but the crowd was thicker.

[coin clinks]

♪

- The sun bathed Drew

in light, and Jackie

picked him up, anointing him--

the boy who got picked up!

- Everyone I talked to told the

same story the same exact way.

- Of course.

They were all there.

- Hmm.

The funny thing is, Mother, not

a single one of them was there.

They all heard

the story from you,

which can only mean one thing.

I'm not the boy

who got picked up.

- Fine, OK?

The boy who got picked up

with some girl named Chante.

- How did an honest mom like

you wind up in a lie like this?

- Drew, listen--

- You were the one

person I could trust.

I mean, is my name even Drew?

- Well, technically,

it's Andrew.

- [gasps]

[machine whirring]

[ball clattering]

[machine beeping]

- Chris,

it's so nice to meet you.

Glad you brought Tonya too.

My only question is,

where's Tonya 1?

[laughter]

- Yikes.

- So Chris, while you're

dating my princess--

- Guess they forgot

her name too.

- You'll see the two things we

value most, family and honesty.

That's why our favorite

movie is "Pinocchio."

- Daddy, Chris told me

it's also his favorite movie.

Right, Chris?

- It is until they

make a "Bewitched" movie.

- I would die!

- That would be my "Godfather."

- Ugh, do it.

Do it now.

- There's something

I want to tell you.

[upbeat funky music]

El DeBarge!

- Tonya,

you were saying something.

- Ugh, no!

It's not El DeBarge.

Why does every song sound

like El DeBarge to me?

Is that what love is?

Why is love so painful?

[gasp]

I like it.

- You like El DeBarge?

My cousin's husband

sold him an aquarium.

We go backstage all the time.

- J-- just get back to what

you were saying, though.

- We could take you the

next time he's in town.

Bargey would love you!

- Chris is the best brother

in the world, and y'all will

have a good life together.

- No, I suck.

Tell her!

- Ugh, and he's so modest.

He can cook.

He can sing.

He can watch "Land Before Time"

without crying.

- He's a stronger man than me.

- Chris is perfect.

I'm so excited for you,

for us, to be a family.

[clears throat] When is

El DeBarge next in town?

- I can't believe you sold me

out for a light-skinned dude.

I can.

She missed me hosting

the Oscars to watch

a Golden State Warriors game.

♪

We had a deal!

- Well, your future

mother-in-law had a better one.

- Family conga!

- Ah!

- We feel the same way your

sister does about you, Chris.

- Uh--

- Yeah!

There's no way we're

going to let you go.

No, sir!

- OK, Chris, your turn to lead.

- [sighs]

- Oof!

- Oh, boy!

- I can't do this.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

I haven't been honest with you.

- You don't love the conga?

- No, I--

I actually do like it.

But I lied to you

about a lot of things.

Uh, I never listened to

your country music mixtape.

I taped over it

with 2 Live Crew.

I actually have hit

my growth spurt,

and this is as tall

as I'm getting.

I think "Pinocchio" is creepy.

Why did Geppetto want

to make a little boy?

What's that about?

And "Bewitched"?

Be-terrible!

- [gasp]

- I hated being the bad guy,

but at least I was free.

- I'm sorry I lied.

- No, I'm sorry you felt you

had to lie to impress me.

No guy has ever cared about

me enough to be honest.

- What?

- We don't have to

agree on everything.

That's what keeps

a relationship spicy.

- So you don't want

to break up with me?

- No way.

I feel closer to you than ever.

In fact,

tonight I want to

[whispering indistinctly]

- The truth was about

to set my virginity free.

- Now it's 5-3, New York.

- Julius,

this has been great,

but I should probably

skedaddle.

- You just got here!

- Well, I have a full day

of appointments tomorrow.

I'm seeing patients

back to back.

[laughs]

- Ha, ha, ha.

Chiropractor joke.

Good one.

Why don't we go get some

snacks for the road?

- Eh, I'm not really hungry.

- Come on!

They're having a big sale

down at the corner store.

- Oh, I hate sales.

They're so crowded.

I like paying more

than retail price.

That way--

- Just come to the

g*dd*mn store with me!

- Uh, OK.

- [sighs]

- Drew?

- Apparently it's Andrew.

And let me guess.

You're going to say you lied

because you love me, right?

- Drew,

this lie wasn't for you.

It was for your father.

He was driving like a madman

trying to make it to see Jackie

Robinson between his jobs.

- [groan]

I'm not going to make it!

[horn honks]

[bluesy music]

That was my one

chance to meet Jackie.

- I know you didn't get

a chance to meet your hero,

but guess who did.

- [squealing]

- Your father worked so hard.

I wanted to give him

a win, so I lied.

- Mwah!

My hero held my son.

I'm the man

who picked up the boy who got

picked up by Jackie Robinson!

- Yep!

And guess what.

The boy who got

picked up pooped up,

so you get to change

that same baby too.

- [cooing]

- But you still

lied to me and Dad.

Don't you feel bad about that?

- I lie to all of you.

That's just called being

a good wife and mother.

- But I thought

you were the person

who always told me the truth.

- Look, Drew,

I'll never lie to hurt you,

but I will to protect you.

It's what you do for

someone you love.

- Maybe that's what you do.

- [sighs]

[militaristic drum cadence]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to Jackie Robinson

Day at Doc's Corner Store.

He broke the color barrier, and

I'm breaking the price barrier.

- Well, what on Earth

is going on here?

- It looks like they're

celebrating Jackie.

- Oh!

I forgot.

Drew is going to give

a speech for this.

So glad you suggested

we go to the store.

- Time for the main event.

Please welcome

the boy who got picked up.

all: Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew! Drew! Drew!

Drew! Drew!

- Hi.

I'm here to tell you

the truth about the time

Jackie Robinson was here.

[inspirational music]

- The day, overcast.

You could smell

the coming rain.

The clouds were thick,

but the crowd was thicker.

The sun bathed me in light, and

Jackie Robinson picked me up.

[cheers and applause]

- All right, Drew.

That's right. My man.

My man.

- He picked him up.

- That's my boy.

My boy.

- Must feel good

to be the father

of the boy who got picked up.

You made him out of you.

- I did.

Wow, Louis, that sounds

like a once-in-a-lifetime,

unrepeatable event that you

probably wish you

experienced, huh?

I don't think anything

could ever one-up that.

- [clears throat] Who wants

a free medical massage?

They call me Backie Robinson.

D-- Dr. Backie Robinson.

- No one.

That's weird.

- My father

got two wins that day,

one-upping his brother and

saving 42 cents on a bottle

of Jackie Robitussin.

- I'm so proud of you, but your

blue shirt is embarrassing.

- Thank you.

You look tired today.

- Remember,

it's OK to lie sometimes.

- I'm so glad you

brought me here, Chris.

- Yeah, me too--

uh girl.

- And tonight's

going to be amazing.

I'm so glad you

were honest with me.

- Actually, me too.

- As long as we're

honest with each other,

we can get through anything.

- OK.

Well, then--

[tense music]

- I don't know your name.

- What?

- [laughs]

I know, right?

- But you met my family.

- And they didn't call

you by your name one time.

It was crazy.

- I let you touch my tatas.

- And I didn't want

to go any further

without telling you the truth.

Wow.

This feels good.

- Well, how does this feel?

- Ooh!

[groans]

- Oh my god, dude.

She touched our ba*ls!

- Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

[vocalizing]