01x04 - Everybody Still Hates the KKK

[bunniefuu]

- There's a moment

in every boy's life

when he becomes a man.

And in that moment

is when he realizes

that instead of buying cologne,

he can just rock free samples

from inside men's magazines.

If I wear this, I'm going home

with at least four numbers.

That's that good musk.

- We're gonna pull

all kinds of ladies

at Spiegelman's party tomorrow.

I heard the last one, they

played Manishewitz bong.

- I can't believe

we got invited.

- So we actually didn't.

- Then why am I rubbing

Billy Dee's ba*ls

all over my neck?

- First of all, his

name is Lando.

And relax, I

overheard Spiegelman

talking about it when I

was stuffed in a locker.

Overhearing is

basically an invitation.

- And Greg was

basically a loser.

- But he said there's

gonna be a ton of food,

it could go all weekend,

and Spiegelman's cousins

are coming from

Connecticut the girl cousins.

Out-of-town girls

love to put out.

- Good enough for me.

I just need to get

permission from my mom.

Wait. Is it seriously 7:25?

If I break curfew,

I'll need permission

from my mom to breathe again.

- I'd have my dad give you

a ride, but this time of night,

he's parked somewhere,

crying in his car.

No one respects me.

These white folks were acting

like I was the scariest thing

in the neighborhood.

- I wasn't.

Uh

- You lost?

- That's what the

Native Americans said

when you showed up.

- You take that

train right there,

and you get back

to where you belong.

- I better never

see you here again.

- The KKK in NYC?

All I could think was, GTFO.

While I was running

from the Klan,

Drew and Tonya were

wait, they're at the movies

while I'm running from the Klan?

- Finally, "Karate Dad 2."

I can't believe it's been six

weeks since the first one.

- There's nothing my dad

loved more than a B movie,

but those were expensive.

So we went to C movies.

Daddy, do I really have to see

the same movie as you guys?

- Why, baby? Do you want to see

"Adrienne Goes to Camp" instead?

- Uh, yeah.

You know how much I love

the other Adrienne movies.

"Adrienne Goes to Space,"

"Adrienne Goes to w*r,"

"Adrienne Goes to Tampa."

- Drew also liked C

movies, but he loved having

his very own action hero more.

- Dad, you would

kick that alien's a*s,

which I guess is also his mouth.

- You got that right.

I would put my foot

all up in that a*s-mouth.

Why is this light on?

That's 4 yen

worth of electricity.

- Wax on, lights off.

- I don't know how to tie a tie.

- We're here to stop you

from being such a good dad.

- If I don't survive,

take my place

as the protector of our family.

Your older brother is useless.

Gah!

- I can't believe Tonya wanted

to see "Adrienne Goes to Camp."

- She didn't.

- It's so scandalous

that you're my fiancé's brother.

- Our love can never be.

- Yes, it can!

- Shh.

- You shush.

- I couldn't let my

mom find out about

my run-in with the KKK,

or that would mean

no Spiegelman party.

- Cutting it close, Chris.

Two more minutes,

and I would have opened

a can of sleepy time whup-a*s.

- I was gonna call

collect, but I knew

you wouldn't accept the charges.

- At $0.54 a minute?

Do you want your

father to leave me?

- Good point, Mom.

Well, I'm gonna go wash up.

- Wash up?

Are you a 45-year-old

banker having an affair?

What's going on with you?

- Nothing.

Well, good night.

Why do you smell like

the old guy at the club?

- I was at Greg's.

You know that's

his signature scent.

- Chris, tell me

what's going on.

- Nothing.

- Well, Greg already told me.

- How?

Greg wasn't with me

when I ran into the KKK.

- The KK-what?

- Oop. Damn it.

- In New York City?

- I know.

How do they keep those sheets

white in these grimy streets?

- You think this is a joke?

- No, I

- Go to your room.

- Mom, it wasn't

as bad as you think.

- Boy, I said go to your room.

We'll deal with this tomorrow.

Well, so much for meeting

Spiegelman's girl cousins,

Shalom, Shoshana,

Liat, and Tamar.

I'm renaming my left hand Leah.

- What a great movie.

How about that scene where

Karate Dad beat the villain

with his baby's car seat?

- And he still made it to

his colonoscopy on time.

- Or when the woman realizes

she was marrying a good boy,

but she wanted a bad boy

at camp?

- What the hell kind of

camp did Adrienne go to?

- Can I help y'all?

- How did your head

all: Get so shiny? ♪

So shiny.

- A big thing in the

'80s was a cappella,

singing without instruments.

But if these boys

messed with my dad,

they'd be singing without teeth.

- Just get off my stoop.

- Hmm.

- Nah, man.

Are you hearing

these acoustics? ♪

- You do not want

to mess with my dad.

- Oh, is that so?

Ah!

- Damn, he flinched.

Mr. Potato Head flinched.

- That was the first time

Drew saw our dad get punked.

He went from Karate Dad to

The Flincher!

- Come on.

- We're going inside.

- I knew I wasn't

leaving the house again

until Martin Luther

King's dream came true,

so I was getting comfortable

with the idea of

sitting my Black a*s

on my bed for the rest of

- Chris, get your

Black a*s in here!

- Is this for me?

- Oh, dang it.

I forgot your favorite cereal.

- Mmm. This food is amazing.

Wait. Is Grandma sick?

Did Chris call you collect,

and now Daddy's leaving?

Is El DeBarge dead?

- No, that ain't for you.

If you want something,

there's a store

around the corner.

- What's the

occasion? My funeral?

- The occasion is me

taking care of my baby

after what he went

through yesterday.

Now, hurry up and eat.

I borrowed Nessa's car,

and we're going to the arcade.

- If this was gonna

be her reaction,

I was gonna play the KKK card

all the way to

Spiegelman's party.

- Drew, there's a 2:00 PM

showing of "Chef Assassin."

If the b*ll*ts don't k*ll

you, the seasoning will.

Wanna go?

No, I'm all right.

- But he kicks a*s

in three courses.

- I just want to

get a head start

on next month's homework.

- Really? Well, if you

change your mind,

you know where to find me.

What's going on with him?

- Seeing that sexy movie

awakened a desire in Tonya

she'd never felt before: desire.

all: Ooh, bah-dah ♪

- Excuse me.

Me and my long-lost

sister are trying to catch up.

- Can you just leave him alone?

- Who's gonna make

us, your flinching dad?

Ooh, now that's a jam, fellas.

all: You got a flinching dad ♪

Your daddy's a flinch ♪

- Turns out my sister was

like every other girl I knew.

She had a soft spot for

light-skinned brothers

who could sing.

- Wow.

Come on, sis.

- So I'm thinking

"Donkey Kong" first,

then "Punch-Out," "Ms.

Pac-Man" for the lady

- Hold up, you thought we were

here to play some video games?

- Yeah.

- I told you I was

gonna take care of you.

So today, you're

enrolled in your mama's

You Ain't White Academy.

- My mama's what?

- Lesson one: don't ever

be the only Black boy

in a group of white

kids acting up,

'cause when things go down,

they'll never have your back.

- Is there a GED

for this school?

- There's a GET your a*s whupped

if you don't pay attention.

Focus!

- Well, so much for the arcade.

If I wanted to go to

Spiegelman's party,

I'd have to do

like I did in school

and say what the

teacher wanted to hear.

Thank you, Mother,

for the opportunity

to soak up your wisdom.

You know, the world is

scarier than ever for

young Black men

- You trying to play

me in my borrowed car?

You know, this is about more

than just one

ugly guy in a hood.

- What makes you

so sure he's ugly?

- If you look like

Robert Redford,

you don't cover your face.

Besides, a bigger problem

than a fool in bed sheets

are the racists who

seem like regular people.

- She means Americans.

Mom, I learned this in school.

- Well, I lived it,

in South Carolina, in the '50s.

I saw some things, boy.

OK.

What's the next lesson?

- You hungry?

I got a egg sandwich

coming your way.

Ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

Ooh, ow! Hot, hot, hot!

If I don't survive, you

must take my place

as the protector of our family.

- How about I make you

an egg sandwich, Dad?

- No, I got it.

- No, I'm stepping up.

It'll be a flinch

I mean, cinch.

- Wait, is that why you've

been acting all funny-style?

You just kind of backed down

with those singers.

- Son, being strong isn't

about hitting people or

Meep, meep, meep,

meep, meep, meep, meep, meep,

meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.

Are you even listening?

- It's cool. I'm not

even hungry anymore.

- Have you lost

respect for meep?

- OK, lesson 12:

a lot of people think

shoplifting is no big deal,

and it's not if you're white,

which, as we've

discussed, you ain't.

If you shoplift, you

better make sure

you're ready to do 50 to life

over a pack of Nutter Butters.

- Excuse me, that lady just

- Lesson 13: mind

your damn business.

♪

- Traffic, weather and

"Rhapsody in Blue"

every ten minutes.

- Hey.

- It's not what you

want to listen to.

It's what the cop

wants to listen to

in case you get pulled over.

That's lesson 23.

- I'm not gonna get pulled over.

- Lesson 24: yes, you will.

- But I didn't do anything.

- Half of jail

didn't do anything.

Both hands on the

wheel. Look confident.

I didn't say c*ck.

Wallet on the dash.

Keep them hands on the wheel.

- How can I

- When the cop walks

up, make eye contact,

but don't eyeball him.

- What? That doesn't make sense.

- Take a deep breath.

Nessa? You're a cop?

- No, I'm an actor.

I studied at the distinguished

Nipsey Russell's Junior College

of Night School and

Auto Repair and yeah.

I played my role, Chelle.

Give me my car back.

- No, Nessa! Drive, Chris.

Boy, just drive!

- Give it back!

Ooh, these extensions

hitting me all up in my eye, oh.

- I can't believe you

had Nessa do that.

What's next, sending in

someone to rob this place?

- If Jerome would have

done it for $10, yes.

- This is stressing

me out like real school.

- What can I get you?

- A cheeseburger and a Coke.

- Just a strawberry shake.

- He'll take a Coke.

Don't forget, you ain't white.

You're Blacktose intolerant.

- All right, I'll

call you guys up.

- Thanks.

And?

- Um, thanks for your business.

Hambur bye.

- The receipt, Lenny.

Proof of purchase.

- I'm gonna have

to reload the roll.

- I'll wait.

- This. This is what

I want from you.

- That's when we both realized

I was crushing You

Ain't White Academy.

- Up next, graduating at

the top of his class, Chris.

- That's my baby!

- Calm down. That's my baby too.

- That's my baby!

- b*tch, calm down!

That's my baby too.

- Chill. You messing

up my rhythm.

Congrats, baby.

- But this is how I was feeling.

- Chris is at my party?

Tonight just got way cooler.

- You're welcome.

- Chrissy, you promised

we'd Cabbage Patch.

Got to go, Spiegs.

Booty calls.

Here, sweet thang.

Hold my receipts.

- Well, here's a new

dance that can't be matched ♪

So just step to the floor

and do the Cabbage Patch ♪

- Uh, cheeseburger

and two Cokes.

- Hey, that's mine.

- You got proof of

purchase, punk?

'Cause I do.

- Excuse me, gentlemen,

our bubble bath

won't run itself.

- Mm, these boys got some soul.

- Yeah.

- Mm, just what my

grieving heart needs.

all: His flinching face,

how scared was he ♪

- Uh, the man

flinched. Get over it.

all: He pissed his pants ♪

- With pee ♪

- These boys are distracting.

They are making me

mess up my appointments.

- And all this a cappella is

why my fruit sales are down.

Definitely that, not 'cause

they're three weeks expired.

- Somebody's got to do something

about this musical terrorism.

- All right, fools, show's over.

I got a bristle with

your name on it.

- What are you doing?

- It's OK. I got this.

- Well, well, well,

if it isn't the Flinch.

- I didn't flinch.

I was stepping

in front of my kids.

I ain't scared of none of y'all.

- Oh, you want to go?

- No, I was explaining that

- Then let's do it.

Me, me, me

versus you, you, you ♪

- Yeah, get 'em, Julius.

Beat these guys up for

messing up my very fresh fruit.

I hate to do this,

but if I win, you

boys leave this block.

- No!

I mean, go, Dad.

- Drew was happy someone

was finally standing up

to these harmonizing

bullies, but he wasn't sure

if my dad was the one to do it.

This was cool, Ma.

You taught me a lot.

I appreciate it.

- Well, you're a great student.

Why don't you do

better in school?

- Hey, so since we're

in the car already,

think you could give

me a ride to this kid

Spiegelman's party?

- Spiegel-whose what now?

- There's a party the kids

from school are going to.

- Did I not get through to you?

- You did.

I'm fully prepared to

attend this party safely.

- If you were fully

prepared, you wouldn't go.

I can't let you go

to a white kid party

in a white neighborhood.

- But you make me

go to a white school

in a white neighborhood.

- Well, maybe you shouldn't.

Maybe your a*s should

stay next to me 24/7

so I can keep my eye on you.

- I have to be on lockdown

just 'cause you're scared?

- Because you're

not scared enough.

You know what?

You're never leaving

the house again.

- Then I'll never

speak to you again.

- Ha, whatever. I'd rather have

a mute living boy than

a dead talking one.

- Fine.

- Where are you going?

Chris, come back here!

He is not doing this.

Chris!

- Julius, do you know

where I put Whoopi Goldbelt?

- Whoopi Goldbelt?

Who's about to get

they a*s whupped?

Are you mad about something?

- What makes you think I'm mad?

- Uh, nothing at all, baby.

Are you?

- I'm mad. I'm scared.

I'm all of it, Julius.

- What's going on, baby?

- Chris jumped

out the car and left.

- He what?

- I was trying to teach

him some life lessons,

but then he got upset

because I wasn't gonna

let him go to some white party

in some white

neighborhood late at night.

He's he's not

ready for all of that.

- He's growing up.

We can't keep him

locked in his room forever.

- I know that, Julius.

I would never suggest

something like that.

But what if something

happens to him out there?

- Look, you've prepared him.

You've prepared all our kids.

But sometimes, we just

got to let them live their lives

and hope that what

we've done is enough.

If there's a problem,

we'll handle it, together.

- Look at you, being all wise.

- I try. Now, excuse me.

I got to go fight

some teenagers.

- Julius is gonna beat your a*s.

- But just your

a*s, not your face.

Not that I care.

- Dad, are you sure

this is a good idea?

- Yeah, you can't flinch

your way out of this.

All right. Go ahead.

Throw your best punch.

♪

Come on. He flinched.

He flinched again.

No, you threw a horrible punch.

Hopefully, your friends

can punch better than you.

- Yeah! Nope.

- Whoa.

- Even if you had

landed that punch,

you probably would

have broken your hand.

The only thing he

can hit is high notes.

- Oh, snap.

- Ball up your fist like this,

and then plant your leg.

That'll give your

swing more power, son.

- Oh, dang, you just

moved him like a paperclip.

- Being strong is

only half the battle.

You also got to know

when to use that strength.

That's what makes

someone powerful.

Now, will you guys

please find another stoop?

- All right, boys. all:

Let's bounce ♪

- I haven't fed my cat in days.

- In that moment, Tonya

knew she'd never fall

for a light-skinned

brother again.

♪

- I'm gonna go for a jog.

- Oh, Dad, should we

watch "Karate Dad 3,"

"Son of Karate Dad,"

or what about

"d*ck Buttless, PI"?

- Do I even have to say?

both: "d*ck Buttless, PI."

- I've got to get my own TV.

- Hey, Buttless,

get your a*s in here!

- I would if I could, Captain.

- You OK, Rochelle?

- Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

I'm not even

thinking about Chris.

Chris?

- Hello. You have

a collect call from:

- Mom, I'm sorry.

You were right.

- To the accept

charges, press 1.

Chris! Chris!

- Hello. You have

a collect call from:

- I shouldn't have

left the car, OK?

- To accept the

charges, press 1.

- Hello. You have

a collect call from:

- I'm so sorry, Mama! I'm sorry!

- Chris, Chris,

Chris. Slow down.

I accepted the charges.

both: You did?

- I know today was a lot.

It's just if something happened

because I didn't do enough

I overreacted.

- No, you didn't.

I thought about

how much you worry.

And after today, I get why.

♪

- I shouldn't have run off.

I'm coming home.

- No, you go to the party.

You're gonna be OK.

- Wait. Are you sure?

- I don't know, but I trust

you to handle yourself.

- Well, I had a great teacher.

- You're damn skippy.

- Thanks for taking

the time today, Ma.

I love you.

- I love you too.

And I'm gonna

lovingly beat your a*s

if you're not home by 10:30.

And no shortcuts.

I don't want you running

into any more KKK men.

- What-what-what men?

- Let's get this party started.

- We are so gonna lose

our virginities tonight.

- You must be Murray's

friends from school.

And you came to show

respect for my mother.

What little mensches you are.

- Wait, I went through

all of this for a funeral?

- There's three

kinds of herring

pickled, creamed, and smoked.

Help yourself.

You smell nice,

like my late husband.

He was a brother.

- I guess I couldn't say

the cologne didn't work.

Thanks a lot, Billy Dee.

- Everybody hates Chris ♪

- Hey, did you see

a skinny Black kid

here the other night?

- I did, and I'll tell you

the same thing I told him.

Get lost.

- Oh, I'm going.

Just wanted to

make sure it was you.

The sheet makes

you all look the same.

- A beating ♪

- A beating ♪

- A beating ♪

- Plant your back

foot and swing, boys.

all: A, a, a, a foot

All up in, in, in your a*s ♪

- Just a little.