01x03 - Everybody Still Hates Drew's Brother

[bunniefuu]

- The 1980s was all about

"The Sally Jessy Raphael Show."

She was a white

lady with three names,

two shoulder pads,

and one concept

worrying people about nothing.

Bye, Mom.

- Okay.

Be safe out there,

Drew, Chris, or Tonya.

- Up next, we're gonna discuss

the dangers of brothers

who aren't friends.

- Distant siblings today,

crackheads and

murderers tomorrow.

- Why aren't you and Drew

going to school together?

- Uh, we don't

really hang out there.

- What? Y'all ain't

friends at school?

Do you want him to be

a crackhead m*rder*r?

- No?

- You and your brother

should be inseparable,

like best friends.

- I don't want him ending

up in the wrong crowd.

You better stick to each

other like Cain and Abel.

- She just read "The

Bible for Dummies."

Why? Drew's

friends are harmless.

Most of them belong to a dojo.

- Dojo one day,

white blow the next.

It's your job to

look out for him.

And if you don't, you're

gonna have to look out for this.

Drew! Wait.

Wouldn't it be fun if you

rode the bus today with me?

Please?

- Mm, okay, sure.

Go on without me.

all: Aw.

- This is the worst

day of my life.

Crap.

Jerome's out on the stoop today.

- What's up, little dude

from across the street?

Let me hold a dollar.

Oh, my Black Jesus.

Let me give you a dollar.

- Uh?

- Thanks.

This will replace the

one I lost doing magic.

- And here's a little something

for you, Drew's brother.

Ow. What the f

sh**t.

♪

No seats.

- Here you go, Drew.

Take mine.

Here, Drew.

Please, sit.

- Whoo!

- Next, Nancy Reagan shows

us how to give the perfect

- Tonya, don't go yet.

Now that Drew is

going to Chris's school,

you'll be the first

one home every day.

So we've decided you're

ready for your own key.

By the power of this key,

I am a grown-up!

I can't believe it.

My little girl's a latchkey kid.

- Finally.

Thank you, thank you, thank

you, thank you, thank you.

- Hold on. This is

a big responsibility.

We're trusting you

to let yourself in

and mind the house alone.

- Don't flash the key

around, don't let anyone in,

and keep all the

windows and doors locked.

- You think burglars

don't know how to climb?

Their hands are

good for two things

climbing and burglaring.

Okay, get going. Love you, baby.

Ah!

- Son of a b*tch.

- And now we're gonna

hear from a parent

whose son chased

a slinky off a bridge.

- Rochelle, guess what I got.

- I know what you got.

It got me three kids.

- No.

It's a two-for-one coupon

for that seafood place

that also plays baseball games.

Catch of the Day.

Let's do a date night there.

- I'm not going to no

seafood restaurant.

Sally Jessy did an episode where

a beautiful, hardworking

mother of three ate fish,

and do you know what happened?

- She thanked her

husband for dinner?

- She got gills, Julius.

You won't catch me

eating no fish ever again.

Why don't you take

one of your friends?

- Friends?

I got three kids,

two jobs, one wife,

and zero seconds of free time.

Adult friends are

for rich people.

- Oh, come on.

You've got plenty of friends.

Well, what about

Well, have fun at work, sweetie.

♪

- You didn't get robbed.

You got a seat on

the bus, and the driver

gave you a lollipop?

- Weird, right?

- Weird great.

When you're with Drew, you

get trickle-down popularity.

His trickles are all over you.

- I don't want his

trickles if it means

I'm just known as

"Drew's brother."

- Look, it's already happening,

and we gotta reap the benefits.

I guess if people

see me with him,

they'll think I'm cool too.

- Exactly.

People will think

we're cool too.

'Sup, girl?

I'm Drew's brother's

brother from another mother.

- Hmm.

Before there was

"American Ninja Warrior,"

my dad was the American

no-time-for-friends warrior.

♪

He dodged situations

that could lead to friendship

like Wesley Snipes dodged taxes.

- Morning, Julius.

My one-man show "The

Great Fatsby" is this weekend.

- I'd love for you to come!

- Did you hear?

My doctor said the

leaking is totally normal.

Julius, I need your help.

I just backed my truck

into one of our co

Howdy.

Damn it!

- Uh-oh.

- Who are you?

- The name's Romeo.

First day.

Yeah, you know, uh,

bosses said it'll take a week

to get my truck

ready and, uh, to, uh,

tack on my

deliveries onto yours.

Heh. Yeah.

Okay.

- Hey. I was just

looking for you.

Wanna go on a date with us?

- Date?

Yes!

Oh, God, I never thought

this would happen for me.

- We meant with Drew.

- Cool. Sounds like fun.

- But you can come, too

Drew's brother.

- Greg was right.

Even if it meant being

stuck in Drew's shadow

and seen as Drew's

brother, I didn't care,

because Drew's

brother had a date.

Well, Drew had

it, but I'd be there,

and he can't multitask.

If I don't get inside,

Mama's gonna k*ll me,

Mr. Omar's gonna

have to plan my funeral.

Mr. Omar!

That's it!

- W what's it?

What did you find?

- Oh, hey, k*ll Moves.

I figured out how to

get into the apartment

before Mama's done

with her errands.

And I just remembered

Mr. Omar always comes home

at 3:15 to console a widow.

- Excuse me.

I'm being summoned

by my dark lord.

- Thanks, Mr. Omar.

See you tomorrow at 3:15.

- Actually, Miss

Tonya, no, you will not.

I'll be at a casket

convention in Atlantic City.

Tragic!

Atlantic City? What?

- Come on, sweet cheeks.

Let's fill that

hole in your heart.

- How was your day, baby?

- Informative.

I watched a Sally Jessy episode

about how men can get pregnant;

they just choose not to.

That's great.

Oh, God, am I pregnant?

We can't afford a new baby.

We can't afford our old babies!

- Julius, calm down.

I wanna hear about your day.

- Oh. I had coffee,

ate half a donut.

Shared my truck with

a guy named Romeo,

ate the other half of the donut.

Hold up.

- You have a truck buddy?

That's great, baby.

What's he like?

What y'all talk about?

- Uh

- Julius, that poor man

didn't ask to be stuck with you.

The least you could

do is be nice to him.

- The least you can

do is let me sleep.

- Sally Jessy also said

men who sass their wives

mysteriously disappear.

See you in the morning.

Maybe.

- Eep.

- Where's that damn spare key?

- Tonya, what are you doing?

- Nothing, Mama.

I thought you were out.

What are you doing?

- Walking around in my house.

Ooh, I'm glad you

haven't left for school yet.

Come here.

This meat needs to

thaw before dinner.

I have a hair

appointment this afternoon,

so I need you to

put it in the oven

right when you get home at

2:30 and not a minute after.

The second worst

thing after a burglar

is salmonella, the

burglars of meat.

- Yes, Mama.

Crap.

Now how am I gonna get in today?

The window.

Tonya, this is why

you're everyone's favorite.

- Phil Hartman

might be the funniest

"SNL" cast member right now.

- What?

Eddie Murphy's the all-time best

for that James

Brown sketch alone.

Uh, good God!

- Eddie Murphy

is the all-time best

for that James

Brown sketch alone.

- Uh, that's what I just said.

Hello? Can you guys hear me?

By being in Drew's shadow,

I ended up with

no identity at all.

I was like the Asian

dude in Black Eyed Peas.

- Hey, Drew.

Where's Drew's brother?

- Brandy! I'm right here!

- Yeah, I haven't seen

Drew's brother all day.

- Hello.

Drew's brother,

right behind you.

- Mm, that's too bad.

I was gonna let him take

me out and pay for everything,

but for some

reason, I just don't

feel like using him anymore.

- No!

Morning, Julius.

- Ah.

both: Coffee, sugar,

cream, cream, cream.

- Huh.

We're cream brothers.

- Ew.

- The least you

can do is be nice.

Don't you stir me away, Ju

- Romeo, uh, if you get a

coffee when they restock,

you can take a few

extra Styrofoam cups.

Never mind.

- You know, um, if you come

between 8:50 and 9:00 a.m.,

you can take the day-old

donuts before they're trashed.

I'm pretty cheap.

- Me too.

- You ever made

your own toothbrush?

- Why?

I got a perfectly

good one right here.

- Damn.

- Greg, can you see me?

- Yes.

Uh, why wouldn't I be able to?

- Because no one else can. Wait.

Maybe you can see me

because you're an even

bigger loser than I am.

- Yeah, exactly.

Wait, I don't want that.

- Being Drew's brother

has made me a nobody,

and I need to figure out

how to get out of his shadow.

- Okay, but would you

rather go back to being

a skinny nerd that

everyone hates?

- What? No. Both

are terrible options.

I wanna have my own cool thing.

That day I tried

anything and everything

to create a new identity.

Backpack in front guy!

- No.

- Literal class clown guy.

- No.

- Damn it.

Antihero teen heartthrob guy.

- No one's gonna buy that.

- Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, good God!

Chris, that was dope.

You guys, check this out.

- Uh

It's too hot in the hot tub.

Eddie Murphy?

- That's funny.

- Hey, you're

really good at that.

- Wow, you did it.

You're out of Drew's shadow,

and you found your

own personality.

Doing an impression of a guy

doing an impression

of another guy.

If there's a burglar, I'll

cut your burgling hands.

♪

That's what I thought.

- Our next guests are

the four elderly prostit*tes

who inspired "Golden Girls."

- What are you doing home?

- I finished my

deliveries early,

and I've wanted to

nap before going back.

- How nice.

Did a certain new friend

have something to do with it?

- He might have.

- Just say I was right, Julius.

- Of course you were right.

Romeo and I actually

have a lot in common.

In fact, we're getting dinner.

- Oh, that's great, baby,

especially 'cause

now I don't have to go.

I bet his wife would be

happy to have a night

to herself too.

- Oh, no wife.

He's single.

- Nope.

Can't ever see him again.

- Rochelle, you can't tell

me who I can and can't see.

- Julius, single men

his age are trouble.

They go to strip

clubs, have weird pets.

Their lips are always chapped.

- Rochelle, that's crazy.

Let me guess

that's what Sally said?

You gotta watch something else.

- She said you would say that.

- I think you're overreacting.

Look at that.

Nap time's over. Back to work.

- Oh.

- My man works so hard,

and I wish I hadn't

pushed him to make friends.

Now he has no jobs,

two wives, and six kids.

- To think this wouldn't

have happened

if you let your man

live his life, Rochelle.

- You don't know me, Sally.

I'm done.

- Chris, I heard you do

a good Eddie Murphy.

I love him.

He's the right kinda you people.

Stand up and let me see it.

- Okay.

If you insist.

Do you think we got a pop quiz?

Ah, ah. I think

we got a pop quiz.

Good God! Hey!

Ow.

- You're not funny.

The only reason

people are laughing

is 'cause Drew told them to.

You suck, James Black.

- That's funny?

What the hell?

It's closed!

Oh, no.

The meat burglars.

all:

♪

Salmonella! Salmonella!

- If that salmonella don't

k*ll me, my mama will.

- Did you tell people to

laugh at my impressions?

- Yeah. What's the big deal?

- Do you know how that feels?

♪

The big deal is that

it's embarrassing.

- Well, Mom asked me

to look out for you, so

- But I'm your older brother.

I'm the one who's supposed

to be looking out for you.

- How could you look out for me?

- Hey!

As Sensei Jason says,

hugs before shoves,

but shoves deserve shoves.

crowd: Drew! Drew! Drew!

- I hate going to

school with you.

You ripped my favorite shirt.

Oh, that was an accident.

- Ah!

If that kick had

been one inch lower,

I wouldn't have kids.

- I'm so busted.

- What you doing,

little unfunny dude

from across the street sister?

- I lost my house key

and can't get back in.

My parents are gonna be pissed.

- No problem, shorty.

I got you.

Jerome!

You broke our window!

- You're welcome.

♪

- This isn't the last of us!

Now, how do I

blame this on Chris?

- Hey-hey, Big J.

- Ah, excited for tonight.

You know, your,

uh your boy here

doesn't go out to

restaurants that much.

- You're married to your job.

Hell, I would

be, too, if I hadn't

already married Rochelle.

- No, because I just

eat at the strip club.

- Oh.

- Speaking of, let me say thanks

for dinner by taking

you to dessert at, uh,

Jiggle 'n Juice.

- Uh, I don't know.

- Come on, they have

unlimited breasts and thighs.

And chicken.

The cover is 50 bucks,

but you get ten minutes

in the Rosé Room.

- $50?

I thought you said

you were cheap.

- I am so I can spend

money on my true passions.

Strippers, sparkling

wine, and my jaguar.

- You drive a Jaguar?

- No! The animal.

Ah, not supposed to have

it in my apartment, but, God,

he's barely attacked

anyone but me.

- Whoa. Ugh.

Romeo, I'm a family man.

So, sadly, I'm

gonna have to take

a forever rain

check on all that.

- Guess we can, uh, only

be work friends, then, huh?

♪

Uh, I should go see

if my truck's ready.

- Hey, we'll always have

coffee, sugar,

cream, cream, cream.

- Yeah.

Hey, Marquis!

See you at the Jiggle?

- Hmm, what happened

to Drew's shirt?

And why are you

holding your nuts?

- Uh, Drew and I got

into a fight about

oh, never mind.

It's none of your business.

Boys, groceries!

I envy you boys.

It's hard making new friends.

The older you get, the less in

common you have with folks.

All the friends I had when

I was younger are gone.

Some moved, some

died, some became cops.

You boys are lucky

you have each other.

A brother's someone

you always have time for.

He's a built-in friend.

- Like you and Uncle Louis?

- No. That

chiropractor show-off.

He can rot in fake doctor hell,

right next to the

podiatrists and dentists.

- Okay, my bad. Jeez.

- Boys, go wash up for dinner.

I'll help your

dad with the rest.

- Did you say something

to Dad, you narc?

- No.

He's probably just

reflecting on his day, fool.

- Hey, baby.

- You were right.

- I know.

About what?

- Let's just say me and Romeo

are only gonna be work friends.

I guess I won't be using this.

- Pfft. You think we're rich?

We can't waste a coupon.

Date night?

- Ah.

Dinner with my

best friend and wife?

Best two-for-one there is.

- He had a pet tiger, didn't he?

- Nope.

- Panther?

Leopard. Snow leopard.

- Aw, thanks for helping.

It's nice to be

able to rely on you.

- Oh, Mama, if only you could.

I I feel awful, Mama. Awful.

I had to break a

window to get in and

- You what?

- Drew and Chris

got into a fight,

and the thought of

my brothers fighting

broke my heart so much that

I forgot where I put my key,

and I got locked out.

- Oh, baby, it's okay.

Go ask Daddy, and

he'll get you another key.

- Tonya got away with it again.

But I got her back

on her wedding day.

I upstaged her by

just showing up.

- Excuse me.

I need to deal

with your brothers.

- So, uh, is your

shirt ripped that bad?

- Nah. I'm sure

Mom could fix it.

Are your, you know, okay?

- I don't know yet.

It's like they're

morphed into one.

We admitted

respect for each other

the way every man

does with his friends,

by not admitting a damn thing.

- You were fighting?

I told both of you

to stick together

so you wouldn't

get in trouble and

both: It's my fault.

- So if you're

gonna punish us

- You'll have to

punish both of us.

- Sticking together now, huh?

Well, I'm glad my

boys are friends.

- But that ain't how this works.

Chris, you're the oldest,

and you should set a better

example for your brother.

You know better.

Drew, leave us.

I'm gonna slap you

into next Tuesday.

- Well, Sally, I was

just sitting there

on a random Tuesday,

and then this other

Chris showed up.

But there can be only one.

singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪