01x01 - Everybody Still Hates the G.E.D.

[bunniefuu]

- Life is a test.

My biggest test

was an actual test,

the GED, the test you take if

you mess up in high school.

It's like an academic

morning-after pill.

I decided to drop out

because I was taking three

buses to a white

school, where a redhead

would beat my Black a*s.

But with the GED, I could

get a good job and start fresh.

So I couldn't wait

to get my test results.

What's it say?

- You failed.

- What?

- Boy, I'ma slap

you into animation.

Ow.

Oh.

Good Lord.

- Do you know how

hard it is to fail the GED?

I have an uncle who

can't read clocks.

And he has two GEDs.

- I can't believe

you slapped me.

- I can't believe you made

me throw my back out.

- That's my mom, Rochelle.

Her test was making

sure her kids succeeded

by any beatings necessary.

- This dinner was

supposed to be a celebration.

We're using up our

back-to-school money

to pay for it.

- That's my father, Julius.

His test was growing up poor.

So he knew the

cost of everything.

- Get your own money, fly.

- Hey.

- Excuse me, my

son failed his GED.

And I'd like to return his food.

He only ate 4

cent worth of fries.

- So does this mean

I'm the smart one now?

- You're eating a straw.

- Cool.

- That's my brother Drew.

Everyone thought I

was his younger brother.

He never worried

about tests because

the only thing greater

than white privilege

is hot privilege.

- Daddy, since Chris failed,

does that mean it's OK for us

to drop out, smoke crack,

and become strippers?

No, baby.

- Oh, see what you did, Chris?

Set a better example.

- Tonya was the youngest

and my dad's favorite.

Her test was how she could

make my life a living hell.

And she got an A every time.

- I just wanted to

get a fresh start.

I can't go back to that school.

- Maybe this

year will be better.

- I don't know about that.

History doesn't repeat itself.

It reboots.

And everybody hates a reboot.

Ugh!

♪

Singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

- I couldn't believe

I failed the GED.

I felt like I had no future.

I was going to get

stuck in Bed-Stuy,

Do or Die, where I was

going to die of embarrassment.

Back in '87, we didn't

have social media.

But on my block, at least

87 people knew your business

before you got home.

- I canceled four

hair appointments

to make this cake for Chris.

Oh, well.

- Little dude from

across the street,

I heard you failed your GED.

- Even our friendly

neighborhood con, Jerome,

was disappointed in me.

And he just mugged a baby.

- Mm, mm, mm.

♪

- Daddy, can I get

dance lessons after you

cut Chris off financially?

- Of course, baby.

- Cut me off? When

did you cut me on?

- If you're not going to

school, you got to get a job

or get out.

I can't have your

sister and brother

thinking it's OK to be a bum.

- We can't kick Chris

out of the house.

- Because you care so

much about me, huh?

- No, because you

can't do anything.

You'll die out there.

That's why you're

going back to school.

- But I missed so much class.

They'll make me

repeat 10th grade.

Everyone will think I'm stupid.

- If you don't think everyone

already thinks you're stupid,

you're stupid.

- Look, Chris, that

school is our best option

so you don't end

up on these streets.

It's scary out there.

Crackheads, gangs, that

white man in a Larry Bird jersey.

10th grade was the worst

year of my life, not including

the year I had a Jheri curl.

And now I had to

do it all over again.

But maybe this

was just a new test.

I could still get a fresh start

by getting fresh clothes from

our renter upstairs, Mr. Omar.

♪

- Ah, here is a

fine, lightly used

item at an affordable price.

- Is this from your

funeral home?

- That ain't none

of your business.

That's between me

and my dead client.

Ah, we need a new mattress.

This one is messing up my back.

- You said that was

from slapping Chris.

- I lied to make him

do better in school.

It's called parenting, duh.

- But we don't have

new mattress money.

- We haven't

slept well in years.

You bought this

one used off a pimp.

It's a Pimpropedic.

- We are not getting

a new mattress.

- Well, then nothing's

going to happen on this one.

- All right, I'll try

to get a third job.

- A third job? No, baby.

I don't want you

working yourself to death.

It's OK. I'll get a job.

- My mom was great at her jobs.

But she was even

better at quitting them.

- That's it.

- Ahh.

- Ooh. I don't need this.

My man has two jobs.

- But don't you want to do

some team-building trust falls?

- Y'all had 400 years to gain

my trust already, Maureen.

I can keep a job

if I want to, Julius.

Damn.

- Uh-huh.

- That look says, "I'm

getting a third job."

- How you like me now?

- Ooh, Chris, I love this

new, not raggedy look.

- My mom hated raggedy.

She was a ghetto snob.

She always said we weren't

rich enough to look poor.

- How did you afford all that?

- That looks like

$40 worth of clothes.

- Mr. Omar sold me a dead

man's clothes real cheap.

- And I've been buying alive

people's clothes all this time?

Mercy!

- It's getting late.

You boys better get going.

Drew.

- It was Drew's freshman year.

And for the first

time in a while,

we'd be at the same school.

I was hoping with my new clothes

he wouldn't outshine me.

Wrong.

- Whoa, you don't look raggedy.

- Why is everyone so surprised?

- Oh, and, Chris, I'm going

down to the temp agency.

Nessa's watching

Tonya after school.

I need you to pick her up

and take her to a dance lesson.

OK?

- Why do I have to be the

backup parent to a demon child?

- Come on, Chris.

She's an angel.

- Thank you, Daddy.

Chris, if you're

late, those clothes

will have two dead owners.

- I had to take three

buses to school.

But the bus drivers

wouldn't always stop for us.

They were scared

of my neighborhood.

They were scared of

this neighborhood, too.

They weren't scared of

this neighborhood, but I was.

- You boys like candy?

- I can't believe this is how

you've been getting to school.

- I wasn't sure about Drew

going to school with me.

But at that moment, I

was so glad I wasn't alone.

- Drew?

- My friends from the dojo

are offering me a ride, so

- When it came to women,

my brother was like Idris Elba.

- Can I squeeze in?

No.

- And I was like Idris' elbow.

Ain't nobody trying to

have sex with an elbow.

Well, almost nobody.

- I'm just going to walk.

- What happened to your clothes?

- I slipped in mud.

- It don't smell like mud.

- It wasn't mud.

There goes my fresh start.

- I don't know why you need one.

This place seems OK.

- Because it's always the

same old, same old here.

Watch.

Girls ignore me.

- Big guys want to hurt me.

Little guys are

suspicious of me.

There's two of them now.

- And all the adults

here are wack.

- Hello, students.

This is Principal

Morello, wishing you

a great first day back at school

and a special shout-out

to my homebuddy, Chris,

who did not get his GED.

But it's not his fault.

The test wasn't in Ebonics.

- Well, well, well,

look who's still

running on CPT.

You're late. Go to

the principal's office.

- And I assume those

white kids are white on time?

- See, that's why

you failed the GED.

You said "right" wrong.

- My first day back

was off to a bad start.

So at lunch, I couldn't

wait to hang out

with the only guy I knew

was having a bad day, too.

- Hey, Chris, this

school is great.

The bathroom stalls have doors.

- Not him, him, my

best friend, Greg.

- Sorry, I can't

be seen with you.

- Huh?

- It's social suicide

for an 11th-grader

like me to be hanging out

with a 10th grader like you.

- What do you mean you

can't hang out with me?

I saw you getting pizza

with Three-Legged Jimmy.

I thought you'd

be happy I'm back.

- I am.

But what would

people say if they

saw me with Drew's brother?

- Drew's brother?

- It's what they're

calling you now.

I'm going to see if I

can buy Drew lunch.

- I'll give you my Cheetos.

- Fine.

Ugh. That stuff is crack.

- If it was good enough

for Jesus to walk on,

it's good enough

for you to sleep on.

- Julius?

- Rochelle, what

are you doing here?

- The temp agency sent me.

Did you take on a third

job behind my bad back?

- Uh, now we can double

our discount on a new bed.

- Julius, that is so

g*dd*mn romantic.

They said to check

in with the supervisor.

- I'm the supervisor.

- Ah!

Finally have a job

I won't have to quit.

I'm going on break. Mwah!

- But you just got here.

- I didn't know how to

grade myself on my first day

back at school.

But my bully Joey Caruso did.

He came to eff me up.

- Heard about your test.

See, this is why you

guys can't be quarterbacks.

Anyway, which

side do you prefer?

Right.

- Wait, he's been acting shady

all day, expanding his crew,

selling drugs, and he's

wearing all Ralph Lauren.

- They may look

like urban preppies.

But these Ralph Lauren fans

call themselves The Low Heads.

And they're the latest

g*ng to terrorize the streets

of New York, joining

others like the Decepticons

and the Boys Choir of Harlem.

- That's not a g*ng.

That's a glee club.

- Are you in a g*ng?

- Uh

Yeah.

And I go by Lil' Horsey now.

- Mm mm

- Looks like Lil' Horsey

found a way to pass the test.

Neigh, neigh, mother oh! Ugh.

- Trust me, your wife

will love this pillowtop.

It's so comfortable.

- Rochelle, can I

give you some advice?

- No.

- Mm.

- Like I was saying, you really

shouldn't make this decision

without your wife because

- Sir, I can help you.

Sir, sir?

- As me and my unkicked

a*s headed home,

something weighed on my mind.

- Hey, dummy.

- Back then, even

the walls hated me.

- You did the right

thing for an idiot.

- Car fumes must

be getting to me.

- "Car fumes must

be getting to me."

Why are you

being a little b*tch?

- I can't fake being in a g*ng.

It'll get me in trouble

with a real g*ng.

I should have stayed raggedy.

- No one will ever find out.

Besides, right now,

you got bigger problems.

- Tonya.

- Hee-hee-hee.

- Poor Chris.

If you don't have the looks,

you got at least be smart.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, hey, Chris, I'm

not talking about you.

I'm talking about another

Chris who failed the GED.

- I'm sorry I'm late.

- Oh, don't apologize to me.

I'ma pray for you, baby.

- Chris, I better

not miss my chance

to learn dance techniques

developed by my all-time

favorite artist.

- What do you like about

El DeBarge so much?

- He's a generational

talent being held back

by his no-talent siblings.

Just like me.

♪

- You're El DeDead.

- Back at school, faking g*ng

status upped my real status.

People who used

to call me the *-word

now called me the

well-dressed *-word.

Even Thurman was scared.

- I'm going to the bathroom.

- Y-you need a pass?

- This is my pass, homey.

- That wasn't a g*ng sign.

It was sign language

for "butterfly."

- Come back with the Mrs.

She wouldn't want to miss this.

- Can I speak with you?

- Yes, supervisor?

You want to test

out this product?

- Rochelle, you're

literally sleeping on the job.

- I'm not.

But if I was, what better

advertisement than me

sleeping on a mattress?

You want me wide

awake on a mattress?

I know what I'm doing.

- Based on what?

- The hundreds of jobs I've had.

Wives are the real

decision makers.

When clueless husbands make

purchases like this all alone,

their wives return them.

And the store loses money.

- Look, a sale is a sale.

Who knows if those

guys will come back.

- I'm back.

- You know what?

- Uh-oh.

- I don't need this.

No, no, don't say it.

- My man has three jobs.

- And you barely

have one, Kevin.

- Dude, your rep at the

school has never been higher.

- Oh, so now you're willing to

be seen with Drew's brother?

- Yeah, you have status.

And I want to get in there.

Why are they fighting?

- They wanted to join my g*ng.

I said they had to

jump themselves in.

- Wow, I haven't had sex.

But I know this

is better than that.

- Little Horsey,

report to my office.

I'm hearing some

rumors about you.

I can't say I'm surprised

that you answered

the call of the streets.

But I want you to

know I understand

that g*ng life is the only way

you can feed all your babies.

- I don't have babies.

And I'm not really in a g*ng.

- Chris, we have

a zero tolerance

policy for this kind of thing.

But good news.

The district created a

new program called GRIP.

- g*ng Resistance Is 'Portant?

- Yes, so 'portant.

And I want to help you

get a grip on your life.

All right, so what is it,

some kind of extra class?

- That's where we're

in kind of a pickle.

Excuse me, a fried okra.

The district doesn't have

money for the actual program.

But we have T-shirts.

- So I'm off the hook?

- No, you're expelled.

Do you want some

onesies for all your babies?

- If my mom found

out I got expelled,

she would knock

me into Claymation.

So I decided to

fake going to school.

After my parents left the

next day, I snuck back in.

♪

Tonya!

What are you doing here?

- I leave two hours

after you, fool.

- That's because she

went to the local school,

Lamont Sanford Junior High.

- Wait a second,

are you cutting class?

- Yeah.

- But you're not

cool enough to cut.

You got suspended.

But then why is there

fear in your eyes?

You got expelled.

- Fine, yes.

Don't snitch on me, OK, please?

- OK, if you let

me hold 10 bucks.

After school was

over, I'd have to sneak

back out to walk back in.

Lucky for me, my dad had

a king-sized level of guilt.

- I got a new mattress.

- That's nice.

Too bad you'll be on the couch.

- Look, I shouldn't

have doubted you.

And I'm really sorry.

- OK, well, I forgive you.

- What?

- I lied.

I did fall asleep on the job.

- Rochelle!

- I know.

I don't have your

stamina to deal with so

much foolishness at work.

Baby, it's amazing what

you do for this family.

And I really want

to say that I'm

- Rochelle, it's OK.

- I'm

- Rochelle, it's OK.

- No, I'm going to do it.

- No, you don't have to.

- I'm

- Look, I'm not

even mad anymore.

- I'm

- See, I'm smiling.

I'm smiling.

- I'm sorry.

- Wow, you didn't

throw up this time.

- I was relieved my plan worked.

Sure, I'd have to

pull this off every day

until I convince my folks to

let me take the GED again.

But for now, things were good.

Chris got expelled.

- Really, Chris?

- Really, Tonya?

- That's for El DeBarge.

- Expelled?

What did you do?

- He joined a g*ng.

- Drew!

- A g*ng?

- What in the

- I was faking it. OK?

- That could get you

in a lot of trouble, son.

- Now, why would you

do something so dumb?

- Because maybe

I'm dumb, all right?

That's what the

test said, didn't it?

I'm just tired of getting

beat up every day.

I needed a fresh start.

It's bad enough I have

to be back at school at all.

- You brought this on yourself.

Missing so much class

- Which wasn't my fault.

Thurman sent me to

the principal's office

for no reason all the time.

I missed tests.

That's why I dropped out.

- Wait, what?

Baby, I had no idea.

Why didn't you tell us?

- I tried to handle it myself.

Guess I was too

dumb to do that too.

- It's always

something with him.

- Our son is not dumb.

Maybe your machine is dumb.

- Look, I ran the

test again and

wait, there's an error code.

- A what?

- Seems like he used a number

3 pencil instead of a number 2.

The machine

couldn't read his test.

- A number 3 pencil?

Where did he even get that?

Oh, no.

Doc, these are marked 50% off.

I also have a double

coupon and a rebate.

- Negative $1.53.

Hmm, I think I have to pay you.

- This is the greatest

day of my life.

- Oh happy day ♪

- Chris, this is why I say

don't touch my things.

- I was in a rush.

I just grabbed one

out of your drawer.

Wait, does this

mean I didn't fail?

- Hi, um, can you

manually regrade his test?

- No, we have a policy.

I can't give your son

special treatment.

- Because that's what's

wrong with the world,

Black kids getting all

that special treatment.

- Julius, get the truck.

- Well, first of all,

let me say it must

be so hard to be a single mom.

- My husband is right here.

- But I'm sorry.

Any form of g*ng

activity violates our rules.

- He was lying about

being in a g*ng.

And I guess I was just

wondering why he had to do

that to feel safe at school.

But that's probably for

the attorneys to figure out.

Attorneys?

- Yeah, some big

law firm said they

would take this on pro bono.

Am I saying that right?

- Maybe I was a little

hasty about expelling Chris.

- Yeah, and having

him repeat the 10th

grade because a teacher

was harassing him.

Oh, I forgot to tell

our attorneys that part.

- We can move Chris

to the 11th grade.

- Thank you.

Besides, my son couldn't

really be in a g*ng.

This boy still has a

"Snorks" night-light.

- Well, it helped me stop

wetting the bed, didn't it?

- Principal Morello, the PA.

Wait.

The entire school heard this?

- Your backpack

is on the button.

- To clarify, this

is not Black Chris.

This is white Chris.

You may know me

by my nickname, Greg.

Whew.

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I

caused all this trouble.

- Chris, the reason

we're hard on you

is because the world is harder.

- But even if you fail a test,

I'll be damned

if you fail in life.

We've got you, no matter what.

Unless you bring

home some babies.

- What's this?

- Number 2 pencils.

I paid full price.

- So it looked like my

biggest test was going

to be surviving high school.

But maybe I'd make new

friends, meet new girls,

and have new adventures.

Maybe this was a test

I could actually pass.

- Hey, that's

Boo-Boo's windbreaker.

- He's wearing our dead

homey's windbreaker.

- Get him.

- Uh oh, pop quiz.

singers: Everybody

still hates Chris ♪

- Chirp.