01x03 - Black Lives Matter: Protests, Police, and Hollywood Hypocrites

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

Black lives matter.

Don't worry. I got this.



And no, I'm not
talking about presidential accusers.

From Black Lives Matter
to circumcised super-spreaders,

to the civil whites movement in Seattle,

we saw social groups
wake up like cage kids after a siesta.


unparalleled in social progress.

And by social progress I mean
posting black squares on Instagram.

Not that Black square.

So if we're gonna talk activism
like a random stop-and-frisk,

let's start with the Blacks.

We need to talk about the biggest
threat to Black lives in this nation.

White-on-Black crime,
and I don't mean refined sugar.

I'm talking about uniformed militants

that are systematically harassing
Black people without due process.

Karens.

Every day on Instagram,

we saw more entitled white moms
than a USC admissions officer.

We saw this Botox Becky,

who looks like she's taken
more injections than an Indian kid

at a Gates family cookout,

barking at a brown man
for drawing on his own property.

And then there was Kroger Karen
who bison-blocked a Black family

from backing out of their parking spot.

Ironically, "Bye, son" is the last thing
she'll say when she loses custody.

And most importantly,
the queen of all Karens,

Time of the Month magazine's
premenstrual Madonna of the Year.

You probably haven't
thought about her Emmett Till now,

so I'll jog your memory.

Amy Cooper.

The morning of May 25th, Central Park,
a Black man, an avid birdwatcher,

yes, they exist,

came across
the most dangerous bird of all,

the North American White Claw.

He pulled a Carole Baskin
and asked Amy to leash her b*tch,

and here's what happened.

[Amy] I'll tell them there's
an African-American man threatening me.

[Christian] Please tell them
whatever you like.

I'm being threatened
by a man in the Ramble.

Please send the cops immediately.

What? You felt threatened by this guy?
A Black man with a bicycle helmet?

Why? You're not at a Yemenite wedding.

Also, I got a question
for you, Fro-yo Baggins,

standing there in your
three-quarter length leggings,

or as you
probably call them, three-fifths.

Why would he want to hurt your dog?
He's a birdwatcher, not a falcon.

Thankfully, this dogfight in the park

fizzled out faster
than a North Korean nuke.

But literally the same day,

the police were called on
someone for using a fake 20.

No, not Dan Bilzerian,
usually he's with fake tens,

but a man named George Floyd.

And he was m*rder*d in broad daylight
by four active police officers.

Everyone agrees this was
a horrific act of police brutality.

The day after Floyd's k*lling,

protesters hit the streets faster
than Rick Moranis on a Sunday stroll.

Black people were tired of being targets,
and tired of Targets in general.

We saw protesters across the country

bringing Black Lives Matter
to the forefront like LeBron's hairline.

We saw everything from peaceful protesting
to rabid rioting and luxurious looting.

And this is when the division started.

Media Bros had a field day.

Deepfake Christmas ham
Tucker Carlson denounced the unrest,

shrieking Fox fear porn at the camera,

while Creatine Fredo
Chris Cuomo supported the riots,

gabagooling, "Who says protests are
supposed to be polite and peaceful?"

Hey, Chris,
I know you only listen to The Godfather,

but the Founding Fathers
had some pretty good ideas, too,

like the right to bear arms,
which you've been exercising daily.

Then the civil rights activist
of our time, David Guetta, said…

So this record…

is in honor of George Floyd,

so shout-out to his family.

[EDM music playing]

Wow! Thank you, David Luther King, Jr.

You know what? I have a dream, too.

That you jump off that building.
I mean, pick an accent.

You sound like Brüno f*cked Borat.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"But, Andrew, it's not
the peaceful protesters."

"Those people are great."

"Marching with their kids, holding signs,
staying away from my white neighborhood…"

"I just can't stand
for the riots and the looting."

And okay, I hear you,
and we'll get to riots in a second.

But like Indiana Jones
in a Polio Poxed Pyramid,

let's get to looting.

Looting is breaking into stores
and stealing the contents,

and this is unequivocally wrong,

like interracial friendship.

These people are using
a tragedy to personally benefit,

like that lunatic
that made a leukemia love story.

They're assaulting people,
and in some cases, k*lling them.

So explain to me how looting
a Black business or stealing sneakers

solves systemic racism.

It distracts from the issue at hand

and gives ammunition
to the Trump butt pirates.

Also, influencers,
if you're posting pics of yourself

pretending to board up stores,
you're looting.

Sure, we know it's staged.

Women can't use a drill, but still,

you're enriching yourself off of tragedy.

So, we agree that peaceful protests
are good and looting is bad.

Now let's talk about
the gray area in between.

Rioting.

Rioting is never peaceful.

It is the intentional destruction
of property to send a message.

Like a Disney star
defiling a dunk champion.

And by that definition,
I agree, it seems wrong.

I know what you're thinking.
"Why can't they just protest peacefully?"

And the answer is… they did.

They protested
when Terence Crutcher was k*lled,

but the cops were still acquitted.

And after Samuel DuBose was k*lled,
but the case was dismissed.

If you've never heard of these people,

it's because their peaceful protests
never hit your Peloton.

So, if you've exhausted every option
of peaceful protest for decades

and the prosecution
of police still hasn't changed,

what would you do?

What options do you have left?
How long would you go on being ignored?

One year? Ten years? Sixty years?

I lose my mind
when I'm left on read for ten minutes.

And look, mob justice is not justice.

It benefits nobody, not even the mob.

But in the face of perpetual injustice,
it's inevitable.

"But, Andrew, the cops k*ll
white people, too, and get away with it."

And you're okay with that?

Police reform
doesn't just benefit Black people.

When Tony Timpa
and Daniel Shaver were k*lled,

you should have been
out there protesting, too.

But instead, you and the rest
of the methampheta-marines

were plotting to kidnap
Midwestern Maleficent.

Jesus, you guys are
more inbred than the body of Christ.

So how do we reform the police?

Should we listen to the CHAZ nerds
chanting to abolish all cops?

I mean,
it worked out pretty well for them.

Their city looks like
a Targaryen training camp.

These Baristas For Bernie
wanted a Bolshevik block party,

declared six blocks
of Seattle a cop-free zone

and even tried farming without Mexicans.

What happened next?

They immediately racked up
the state's highest body count

since the Spokanes got the sniffles.

So, like a CHAZ grad, that doesn't work.

What else can we do?

What about defunding the police?

Well, that's a little trickier.

Sure, it's the worst marketing campaign
since Pepsi solved racism with soda.

But when they say, "Defund the police,"

they don't actually mean,
"Take away all their funding."

What they're trying to say is

that the money should be reallocated
to better service our communities,

like creating specialized task forces

so cops aren't doing jobs they
never signed up to do in the first place.

So, in other words,
restructure the police.

See? Was that that hard?

Jesus Christ! You guys have
the communication skills of Dale.

Yeah, I watch The Bachelorette.

And that babbling baby-eared turtle
needs to learn how to finish a sentence.

Someone give him a period.

Not Clare, she doesn't have many left.

Anyway. Back to restructuring the police.

You know who overwhelmingly supports this?

Cops.

They signed up to fight crime,
not chase down Chihuahuas.

It's not easy being a cop, okay?

They deal with
the fallout of systemic failures,

the lack of affordable housing,
lack of mental health services

and lack of minorities
to arrest to hit their quotas.

Don't get me wrong.

When cops f*ck up, like when they k*ll
an innocent person or wear shorts,

they need to be held accountable.

But crippling the police force
is not the way to do it.

Black people,

I'm gonna tell you something that's
gonna be incredibly surprising to you,

and incredibly obvious to white people.

Kissing your dog on the mouth
is one of the closest bonds

a man and animal can have.

And also, we love the cops.

Obviously not the bad ones,

but I don't know who's bad
until they end up on the news.

White people love the police
so much, we named a band "The Police."

One of our favorite leisure activities
is watching the police do their job.

We love cops.

We love cops so much,

we make our strippers dress like cops.

I call them,
they arrest me, I get turned on.

Then they get undressed
and I'm conflicted.

I'm happy about the t*ts,
but I'm upset there's one less cop.

And of course we love the cops.

We made them.

Every interaction
I have with the cops is positive.

So when white people look at
a Black victim of police brutality

and the first question
they ask is, "Well, what did he do?"

In a lot of cases,
it's not because they're r*cist,

it's because for a cop to do to us
what they did to George Floyd,

we would have to do
something super f*cked up

or be dressed like this.

Here's how f*cked up Black people's
relationship with the cops is.

I have no fear of the cops,

and Black people
describe that as white privilege.

Not being afraid
of the cops isn't a privilege.

It's the way it should be.

Let's be clear here.

We're not fighting for privilege,

we're fighting
for guaranteed basic human rights.

And nobody does it worse than Hollywood.

Remember when the A-list,
and by "A" I mean anonymous,

got together and made
an !sis hostage video to solve racism?

Jesus! That insincere slacktivism
was more self-serving

than a sandwich spokesman
scrolling through TikTok.

And I know what you're thinking.

"Actors, just shut the f*ck up and say
the words the ugly people wrote for you."

Unfortunately, that's what they did here.

Yeah, they couldn't even
memorize the lines,

which is exactly
what they're overpaid to do for a living.

You need a teleprompter
to say racism is bad?

This b*tch even brought bifocals.

I will no longer allow stereotypes
to be uttered in my presence.

You will no longer allow stereotypes?

You play the sassy
g*y sidekick in every movie.

Stereotypes paid
for your house in the Hills

so you can avoid Black people.

And Aaron Paul,
you are breaking my f*cking heart.

What are you doing?

I take responsibility.

How about you take a sip of water?
What's up with the voice?

You played Pinkman, not Batman. Relax.

And who the f*ck is this guy?

Anthony Boring?

Speaking of parts unknown,
what's up with your hair?

You comb that with a pineapple?

Hollywood, when did you
become the leader on diversity?

You're gonna lecture us about progress?

We had a
Black president of the United States

before you had a
Black president of a film studio.

And if Tyler Perry
didn't build his own in Atlanta,

where he could ride more pipe
than the Mario brothers,

we'd still be waiting.

Maybe your diversity initiatives
aren't about progress.

Maybe they're about protection.

Yeah, the public sees actors as powerful,

but you execs see them as replaceable
cogs in a machine that you own.

You ever notice that those new Oscar rules

don't apply to the producers of the film?

Sure, you need
a transracial cyclops as a lead,

just as long as we don't notice

that your executive board
looks like a curling podium.

And let's be clear, I don't care
what race your executive board is.

Just cut the bullshit.

You only care about making money.

Well, not all of you.

What I do care about is

when an industry that uses diversity
as a shield gives us a lecture on ethics.

It's just frustrating, because even though
I want to stuff you into a locker,

I agree with a lot of what you're saying.

Obviously, Black lives matter.

Without Black people,

we wouldn't have cell phones,
incredible music, a watchable NBA

and a peanut butter allergy to get rid of
all these homeschooled Twitch streamers.

And most of the world seems to agree.

After the death of George Floyd,
we all came to support this movement

centered around
justice for police brutality.

There were
peaceful protests in all 50 states.

Even Alaska, and the only black thing in
Alaska are the bears. Not those bears.

There were marches
all over Europe, even Germany.

Nice to see them marching
and not k*ll minorities.

It was an amazing display of unity and
support for Black people around the globe

that wasn't based on athletic achievement.

You hear that, Kyrie? Around the globe.

So with all this positivity
and a clear objective of the movement,

how did Black Lives Matter
becomes so polarizing?

Former New York mayor and In Living Color
burn victim Rudy Giuliani said

it's a Marxist organization
trying to destroy America.

And I'm not saying he's r*cist,

but you can tell by his teeth
he likes whites on top.

And Karate Ken doll Colby Covington said…

[blabbering indistinctly]

…which I think is
"Black Lives Matter is Marxist"

with Donald's d*ck in his throat.

So why does Murdoch's Murderers' Row
from Giuliani to Hannity to Tucker,

not that Tucker,

call Black Lives Matter
a Marxist organization?

Well, when we talk about BLM,
we're actually talking about two things.

There's a movement and an organization,

and like the Pitt brothers,
they're related,

but they are not the same.

First, the movement, which is
a series of decentralized protests

to show support
and solidarity for Black people

as they seek justice
against police brutality.

The peaceful protests are amazing,

especially for all the white people
without a single Black friend

that use it as an excuse
to break quarantine.

No, I said "quarantine."

On the other handcuff, the organization?

It's kind of Marxist.

Two of its founders
call themselves "trained Marxists,"

aka, they follow a white guy's manifesto.

When did that ever go wrong?

Most surprisingly,

nowhere on their site do they say
their goal is to end police brutality.

The site did say, however,

that they want to disrupt
the western-prescribed nuclear family,

as if Biden didn't already do that
with the '90s crime bill.

No, not that crime Bill.

So I can see why people think
BLM the organization is Marxist.

I mean, judging by their leadership,

their flag should be
a hammer and sickle cell.

But not differentiating between
the organization and the movement

is incredibly lazy.

And if it's not that,

it's intentionally misrepresenting
a fight for American civil liberties.

And to anyone that actually believes

that the movement
and the organization is the same thing

fighting to make America poor again,

just look at the companies
who are embracing the movement.

Amazon, Nike, Apple.

Three of the most
capitalistic enterprises of all time.

The only thing communist about Apple

are the countries
popping together those iPads.

I can assure you that the world's
richest man and hard-boiled chemo egg

is not going to advocate for a movement
that will make him less money.

He's only okay losing money
on shipping his wife out.

And if Nike is supporting
Black Lives Matter,

rest assured, the only breads
you'll be lining up for are these.

So, you can support a movement
without supporting the organization.

I do it every day as a Knicks die-hard.

You can be a fan of football

without supporting the NFL
blackballing Colin Kaepernick,

and you can like g*ns
without supporting the NRA.

Here's the deal.

In these racially tense times,

we all need to operate
with a little bit more empathy,

and believe that people are
not as bad as the news makes it seem.

The vast majority of people
don't believe in destroying cities,

and the vast majority of people

also don't believe
George Floyd should've been k*lled,

and the vast majority of people
are reasonable, kind,

and want all Americans
to have the opportunity

to work hard and achieve their dreams.

Unfortunately, the extremists
on both sides dominate the discourse,

and I don't know about you,

but I'm getting sick and tired of these
psychopaths trying to tear America in two.

So I think it's about time we have
a little conversation about them.

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