01x05 - In the Middle of the Night, in a Dark House, Somewhere in the World

[bunniefuu]

Thirty days ago,

our world shattered.

Our beloved father left us

to the world of truth.

The Gemara teaches

in maseches shabbos

that only 30 days

after the passing,

as long as flesh remains

on the body,

anything said to the niftar

will be heard by him

until his fate is sealed.

So today, on the thirtieth day,

we would like to tell you,

Father,

we're sorry.

Sorry if we ever offended you.

Sorry if we ever hurt you.

Everything we did,

we did in your honor.

Okay.

So, where were we?

Who made the final call?

Arye for the top

of the gravestone,

and Mom for the bottom.

Ah, got it.

"Loved and loving."

Yeah. What's the problem

with that?

No, just Nothing.

Just that neither is true.

What do you care if that's how

she wants to remember it?

Yeah. Who cares about the truth?

I really appreciate the offer,

Poli.

- No.

- I mean, I hope you know that.

Of course you appreciate it.

- It's a great offer. Yes.

- You know me.

Do you really think

I'm gonna change my mind?

How much do you make

in your consulting work?

- Poli!

- Why? What's wrong?

- That is none of your business.

- Baby, telling you,

- it's a terrible waste.

- Stop it.

You're the best

product manager in America.

- Mm-hmm.

- And I'm offering you here

an amazing start up. Not some

- I know.

- f*cking corporate gig.

It's a hell of a ride.

That's what always

turned you on.

Doesn't turn me on anymore.

Mm-hmm.

I don't believe that.

- A drive like that doesn't

- How are you guys doing here?

- Mind if I clear some plates?

- Yeah, thanks.

And would you be

interested in any dessert today?

Yeah, sure. Why not? What do you

- No.

Sorry.

You know,

why don't I give you guys

- a minute, okay?

- Okay. Yeah.

- Sorry. Did you want something?

- No, it's okay.

- I just

- Do you mean you don't want anything?

Well, it's just, uh,

I have to leave 'cause, uh,

Ava's got

a dentist appointment soon.

Ah, okay. Okay.

No problem. Uh

So, how about tonight?

Can't tonight. I have Ava.

Jonathan's out of town.

Okay. Well, can't you get

a babysitter?

I try not to do that

on the nights

that I have her with me.

Got it. Okay.

- Whenever you guys are ready.

- Uh-huh.

Will you stay for coffee?

Uh, I have to get back. I can't.

I'm sorry.

Why don't you stay

one more night

and leave first thing

tomorrow morning?

Mom, I can't.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

watch out, watch out.

- Slow down, slow down.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay.

Okay. Slow down.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Okay. Just drive

a little slower, okay?

- I'm still not used to driving.

- Yeah.

Your father hardly ever let me.

And I always really liked it.

So, that's a silver lining,

right?

What?

What do you mean?

No, no, nothing.

What nothing?

I mean, it's just

I think it's okay to

I don't know. To recognize

the positive aspects of

not living with him anymore,

you know,

not always worrying

what Dad thinks.

What?

Do you think I'm supposed

to be happy your father is dead?

No, I didn't say that.

Did I say that?

No, I'm saying that I

Look, he wasn't the easiest guy

to live with.

Right? Let's say he was

very free with his judgments.

So what?

He had high standards,

especially for himself.

Oh, Mom, come on.

Most of the time

you were just scared of him.

- Scared?

- Yeah, you were scared.

You were scared that he was

gonna accuse you

- of some mortal

- Yonatan, where is this coming from?

Why are you talking like this?

What's wrong with talking?

Maybe if you and Dad

spoke more, then

We spoke a lot.

We had five children,

we had a household to run.

- All right.

- What, you think we didn't speak?

- Okay.

- So cut it out.

I'm just saying

that you spent many, many years

living with someone

you didn't love, okay?

Not to mention, you know,

attraction.

What?

I just don't want you

to feel guilty

about feeling

the tiniest bit relieved.

Well, I'm not relieved.

- Okay.

- Would you like to force me to feel relieved?

- Okay.

- I loved your father.

Yes, yes.

Maybe not by your standards.

All right.

Well, I'm not interested

in having a fight with you,

okay?

Mmm.

- I'm just saying

- I'm not.

Before you disrespect

what I had with your father,

- think hard

- Mm-hmm?

about whether you did

everything you could

to stay together, you know,

to get sholom bayis.

All right.

Stay together for the kids.

- And even if so

- The kids.

what's so wrong about that?

What? Is that anything

to look down on?

You don't think

that's important?

A kid will always want

his parents to stay together

- even if it's not

- Uh, first of all,

- definitely not always.

- All those people

who say, "Oh, if I'm happy,

then my kid will be happy too,"

that is nonsense.

Get a divorce, fine.

But don't lie to yourself.

I really I'm just savoring

every moment with her, you know.

The years go so fast,

and now we have

these amazing nights together.

There's

- We watch movies, and

- Are you seeing someone?

What? No.

Yeah, I think you are.

Well, I'm not, so.

And I have a feeling

I know who it is, too.

I'm not seeing anybody,

and I'm not planning on it

anytime soon.

Is it Ackerman?

What? No, of course not.

I think it is.

And honestly,

I always knew it was going

to happen at some point.

All right.

Well, it's not Ackerman. It's

I mean,

it's not anyone, actually, so.

Okay. Whatever. Fair enough.

This is me.

Okay. Well, uh

Good luck with him.

I give it a year max.

- Okay, I'll

- Then you leave him too.

Okay.

You know,

sometimes I just

I just wish

I hadn't met you at all.

- I didn't spend all these years on

- Poli, stop.

someone who doesn't

understand what it means

to be in a relationship.

You're saying things

that you don't mean. Stop.

And what living together

actually means. Family.

Okay, well I'm running late.

Bye, Poli.

- Hello?

- - Hey, Mom.

- Hey, honey. How you doing?

- Good.

Josie's mom wanted me to check

if I can watch a PG-13 movie.

Well, I'm doing great.

Thanks for asking.

Mom.

Yeah, of course you can.

That's what I told her,

but she wanted me to ask. Mom?

Um, tell her thank you

for checking and, you know,

if you could also

remind her that

We're about to have dinner,

so I can't really talk.

Okay Yeah, but hon

Okay, just remember, you know,

I have a meeting

that's really late,

so, um, if you need anything,

- just have her text me and

- I know. You told me.

- Oh, Mom?

- Yes, honey?

Can I go to sleep

at 9:30, please?

- Okay.

- 'Cause Josie's bedtime is 9:30.

Um, Josie's a little older

than you.

Mom.

But, um

uh, yeah, sure, you can.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Please try to get

some sleep though, okay?

Okay, love you, bye.

Okay, love you

- Hey.

- Hey.

Is she with Veronica?

No, she's with Josie. It's

- Oh, right, right, right.

- Yeah, yeah.

- She's over the moon, though.

- Yeah.

- Sleepover on a school night.

- Oh, wow. Yeah, I bet. I mean

How's your mom?

Uh, she's good, she's good.

Yeah, it ended up being

a little harder than I expected

- to leave, so

- That's okay.

I mean, you could

have stayed. It's

- No, no, no, don't

- I texted you that

No way, no way.

- Shall we get going?

- Yes, let's do it.

You know who to turn to

Now everything's changed ♪

Come on, let's go ♪

You know,

when, um, I was leaving,

Arye said, "Happy Purim."

- Is today Purim?

- Sunday.

Oh.

So you know

you know what that means?

Mm-mmm.

Our anniversary.

What?

What are you talking about?

Our anniversary

was, uh, September 2nd.

Not not of our wedding.

Of the first time we

you know.

- After the emergency room.

- Right.

After my asthma attack.

How do you even remember

that date?

- Because it was Purim.

- Okay.

And I was over at Hoffman's.

We were drinking ourselves

to death.

And that's that's how

the whole thing started.

I thought maybe

You know what?

Would you make a left turn here?

No, it's actually further down.

No, I know,

but just make a left here.

Is the place is the surprise

you were talking to me about?

Left.

- Okay, mister.

- Right here.

Actually,

you know what?

Pull over right here.

You're not gonna kidnap

and m*rder me, are you?

Just pull over.

Can I open my eyes now?

Not yet.

Well?

Almost there.

Open your eyes.

Surprise.

Yeah, so

I kind of became obsessed

with the house.

Okay.

And I've been driving by it

on my way to work

and on my way back

just to see it.

I know it's

I know.

It's very sentimental of me.

- It's very nice.

- Yeah.

So, um, anyway, uh,

when my parents visited,

uh, last Hanukkah,

I went on Airbnb to find a place

for them to stay and suddenly,

our house popped up.

Huh.

Yeah,

I guess they rent it out

when they go on vacation

or whatever.

So, um so I signed up

for, uh, alerts.

So,

are they on vacation now?

I guess so. Yeah.

So what do you say?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So

- there's a lockbox

- Okay.

somewhere. Ah, here it is.

Four, oh, five

Okay.

Thank you.

- Boys.

- Crazy, huh?

What do you think, like

seven and ten?

Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

What's that smell?

Dead body?

Oh.

What is it?

Hockey stink.

It's worse.

Sweet.

I guess this one

they couldn't really improve.

They kept the light fixtures.

Yeah.

No smoking, no pets,

- no parties or events.

- Mm.

Huh.

Is that included in the rental?

I'll get them a new one.

You're such a rebel.

That's me.

Thanks.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

Seventeen years.

Can you believe it?

Yeah.

Well, my parents celebrated

their 53rd-year anniversary

this year.

That's That's crazy.

What?

Just, I got in a fight

with my mom.

But I kinda picked the fight

with her.

For some reason I was trying

to get her to admit

that her marriage

had been terrible.

You

It's amazing how you always

become like a little boy

- around your mom.

- I know. I don't know why.

- Why?

- I don't know why.

- Don't know why I did that.

- Mm-hmm.

At least we talked, you know.

Like really talked.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure she must be

so proud of you right now.

Yeah, in her own way.

Elisheva told me that

she watched my TED Talk

- like six times.

- Really?

But she'd never tell me that,

though.

And I can't tell her I know.

You know how

that whole dance goes.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

She says hi, by the way.

- Come on.

- It's true.

What?

You think she suspects something

about the two of us?

- About us?

- Yeah.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

No way.

No, no, no, seriously, no way.

How can you be so sure?

- Because

- Mmm.

Nothing could seem

more far-fetched than this.

It's completely outside

her spectrum of possibilities.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, so when she saw us

go up to your old room together

when I visited a month ago

after your father died

- Mm-hmm.

- That

What? No,

it's totally acceptable

for children to have guests

in their old room during Shiva.

Right.

And, um, when she knocked

on the door

and you didn't answer it?

She thought I was sleeping.

I asked her afterwards. I did.

- I'm not convinced.

- I'm telling you,

if I could never imagine

this happening,

there's no way she could.

What did you imagine?

When you came to Shiva?

Honestly, I was just trying

to hide the fact

that I had a massive b*ner

in front of everybody.

I know.

I felt it when you hugged me.

- I wanted you to feel it.

- Oh, my God.

And then, when you asked me

to go upstairs with you,

I felt that all the eyes

in the house were watching us

and they knew exactly

what was about to happen.

Mmm. What did that do to you?

It made me wet.

It' was so crazy.

In the middle of all

that family sh*t and grief.

And after all that time,

you coming in there like that,

like like an apparition.

Well, I know.

I saw it on your face.

They're really, like,

making me angry, you know?

Yeah, I get that.

- It's not ugly.

- No.

They did a nice job, but like

how dare they, you know?

Uh-huh.

Still, it's better

than a hotel room, right?

I don't know.

I kind of like a hotel room.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Something about it's like,

it is what it is

and it's not what it's not.

Yeah, maybe.

So anything going on?

What's happening?

What could be happening?

Are you seeing anyone?

- Since last week?

- Yeah.

Any promising dates?

Anything you wanna

- No.

- take further?

I told you I don't want

anything serious right now.

- Why not?

- Okay. I have to say,

you're getting a little

obsessed with the subject

and I'm, uh, asking myself

what that is about.

No, nothing. I'm just

I'm trying to grasp

- the concept here.

- But what concept?

Being alone. This whole

"I'm better off alone" thing.

It's not a concept.

I'm just happy this way.

Okay. Not totally buying it.

Right, you used to always panic

whenever I would talk

about being alone.

Yeah. You saw it as a sign

that, um, I was in a bad way,

but reality is, I just

It was something that I felt

like I was missing.

You know, I'd never really

even expected

that I'd ever get married.

Yeah, I remember.

Even with you.

I know.

That night

when you proposed and

- Mm-hmm. Talked.

- all night

- That's right.

- about it.

Then the next morning,

I went to go see my mom.

I don't actually I don't know

if I told you much about this.

- I don't think so.

- Um

it was in, uh, Back Bay.

She was living nearby

with Julian.

- Mm-hmm.

- Her third husband.

I'm not sure

if you even met him.

Yeah, I think I did.

I think I did once.

Okay. Well,

they split up soon after.

Anyway, she, um, she was like

"Don't do it."

Don't do what?

Don't get married.

- She said that?

- Yeah.

"Jonathan's a good guy.

Best guy you've ever been with."

- Obviously.

- Mm-hmm.

"Probably the best guy

you'll ever be with."

Wow, Mom, okay.

"But you know you're not cut out

for getting married.

You don't have that gene."

She said, "I don't have it,

your father certainly

doesn't have it,

so why would you have it?"

I mean, this is

this is the woman

- that dragged you along on her trysts

- Yeah.

when you were five years old,

so I don't think

really the person

to listen to, right?

Well, obviously, I didn't.

No, I was gonna prove her wrong,

gonna prove it to myself.

So I, you know, spent my life

trying to prove

that I was different.

And that I was gonna

make it last.

It didn't last.

So maybe she was right.

She's right?

Yeah. Right about the gene?

The monogamy gene?

No, it's just maybe

maybe it's not right for me.

So what, does it mean

that you're doomed?

No.

Jonathan, I'm not doomed.

I wonder if it's hard for you

to understand because

you really can't be alone.

I mean, you never could.

You always needed like,

I don't know, a

witness to your life.

- Witness?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah. Someone who's constantly,

you know, seeing you, and

I mean, like, keeping a record.

Hmm. Okay.

No, did I hurt your feelings?

No, no, no.

No, no, I didn't

I didn't realize

I was such a burden.

You're not. You weren't.

- It's not personal, you know.

- Okay.

I really think most women

feel this way about men.

Hmm.

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't been single

since I was 15 years old,

- you know what I mean?

- Mm-hmm.

I realized

it's kind of refreshing.

You okay?

- Something's off.

- Yeah.

- It's just so weird.

- Yeah.

It's so weird to be here again.

You okay?

Yeah. It's nothing serious.

Maybe it was a bad idea

to come here?

No, I really am happy

you brought me here.

- Yeah?

- No, it was a really nice thought.

Yeah, maybe it's just the day.

- Uh-huh.

- It's just so much.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe we should have,

uh, yeah, postponed it, so.

- Let me get my, uh

- Sure.

Be right back.

f*ck.

Hey, Jane.

- Jonathan.

- Hi, baby.

Oh. You only speak to me

when you're, like, really tired.

No, yeah, I'm still up.

I'm still up.

I'm just talking quietly

'cause Mom fell asleep already.

Oh.

- Yeah.

- So sorry. Is she okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's fine.

It's just

you know, the whole thing

at the ceremony

was really draining for her.

Oh, God. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know how it is.

It's like the

being at the cemetery, and then

going to an empty house,

it was a lot for her.

Uh, yes, taking the 6:30 train

out of Valley Stream

than the Amtrak

from Penn Station.

Okay.

- Yep.

- So, um

Is he up?

Okay, he's right there with you?

Yeah, he wants to say hi.

Okay. Yeah. Just, uh

Trying to connect here.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Say Hi.

- Hey, Ethan.

Oh, Bubba, why are you awake?

He was growing some teeth.

Encouraging.

What's up now, where are you?

Uh, I'm in the bathroom.

- What?

- I'm in the bathroom.

Okay.

Look, Ethan, can you show Daddy

your new trick?

Can you What does a dog say?

Woof.

- Woof.

- Woof. Woof?

- Yeah.

- Oh, my gosh.

He just did that today?

He's just, like, wants to party?

He's like sleeping and eating

because

I mean, he's living the life.

Um

Oh, man.

It's tough, huh? Sorry.

I love you.

- Okay. I love you too.

- Bye.

- Lila tov, bubbelah.

- Lila tov.

Say "lila tov," bye.

Okay, baby.

- Okay, I'm gonna try to

- Lila tov.

- Bye, coocoo.

- Bye.

Bye. Bye, cooties.

- Bye. Love to your mom, okay?

- Okay. Thanks, sweetie.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

- Wow!

- I know, right?

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine this

as Ava's room?

No way, we would have taken it

for ourselves.

Look at this.

Is this what you imagined

back then?

Well, yeah, not this big, but

yeah, something like that.

So this is what I missed out on,

huh?

Well, you could have done it

yourself.

Yes. True.

Cute.

Genius kid.

It is a little over the top,

but I have to say

the effect is undeniable.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, sorry,

it wasn't very serious.

Sorry, I disappeared on you.

Hmm, you got dressed.

You wanted to leave.

Yeah, just for a second,

but it passed.

Who was that on the phone?

- Jane.

- Mmm.

And Ethan.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. They just wanted

to say goodnight.

Guilt.

I don't know.

I think I'm over my obsession

with being a good person,

- you know?

- Mm-hmm.

Constantly checking to make sure

I'm doing the right thing.

I don't really have

that need anymore, for

moral superiority.

I'm no better than anybody else.

It's okay.

Okay.

What?

Just not totally buying it.

Touché.

I'm not saying I'm proud of it.

The affairs. But, you know

Mm-hmm?

I just realized

that there's things that

I mean, I have needs

that I'm not

- willing to ignore anymore.

- Mm-hmm.

And, you know, that's

just how it is for me right now.

Just accepting that.

That's okay.

"Affairs," plural?

Yeah, I had

I had something six months ago.

It was meaningless.

Two somethings

if you count one-night stands,

which I don't, so.

Well

Maybe you have lost

your moral superiority.

That doesn't sound very good

when you say it.

It's like, what?

I'm the last person to judge.

I didn't want to marry her.

I'm not saying that

as a justification for anything.

It's just the truth.

But we had a really good time

together.

And, you know,

sometimes it's easy to confuse

great sex with love.

Easy for you.

I don't think it's just me.

But she got pregnant.

And, um

- I really wanted that kid.

- Hmm.

And, you know,

she wanted to get married.

And I just thought, why not?

What's the difference

between living together

and getting married?

So I said yes.

Then Ethan was born.

And he's just ugh.

That's really great.

The sex is not.

Well

It's not happening at all.

But that, you know,

since Ethan was born,

so, obviously.

But, um, you know, we're good.

We're good.

It's like we have

a common language.

It's like meeting somebody

that speaks your language.

I realized that

she's the first Jewish woman

that I've dated since college.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't didn't imagine

it would be so significant,

like, knowing the same songs

and idioms, the holidays,

but it's nice.

It's comfortable.

Don't you love her?

Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, in a certain way.

What if she finds out about us?

Um

I don't know.

I guess I'm just

I'm not really scared enough

of splitting up.

In fact, I'm pretty sure

it'll happen eventually.

So I don't really have

any illusions about that.

I'll never love anybody

the way that I loved you.

- It's a fact.

- Hmm.

With you, breaking up

was just never on the table.

Just never even occurred to me.

So it's just, it's different,

entirely different kind of love.

I remember someone said

it was like a piece of tape

that you rip off

and try to reapply

that'll stick again maybe,

but it's never going to be

like the first time.

It's really sad,

what you're saying.

I don't know. I don't think so.

I think it's okay

to have different kinds of love.

That's okay.

What?

What?

Just don't act like it's cool,

you're never gonna love again.

It's not that s

I didn't say that.

I mean I'm here with you,

aren't I?

It's different with me.

I mean,

- it's not the same, obviously.

- Why?

Because we've been

through the worst

that could happen. I mean,

there's nothing to be afraid of

anymore with me.

Yeah, okay,

so maybe that's just

that's exactly what works

for me now.

- For us.

- God, Jonathan.

What? What?

Can't you see

we're both just so f*cked up?

We've barely even started

getting over what happened to us

- and

- Yeah, well, it takes time.

Yeah, but it's been four years.

We just keep coming up with

all these solutions and like

Why does it take

so long to break up?

And why does no one talk about

the fact that

it's this f*cking

endless trauma?

Well, it

It is second on the list

of most stressful life events.

Before moving.

After death of a loved one.

So

So we should have a Shiva

of our own?

To mourn?

Yes.

We won't leave the house

for seven days.

Everyone will come

and console us.

Mm-hmm.

And we won't eat meat

or drink wine.

- Mm-hmm.

- Or shower.

I can work with that.

We won't cut our hair or shave.

Done.

No sex.

What? That's forbidden too?

Totally.

What is it? What's wrong?

Did you have a nightmare?

- What was it?

- Oh, God

We were driving.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, f*ck.

What?

We were, um

We were driving to Lawrence

to see my parents

and, um, Ava was with us.

We were on the highway.

There was an accident

and there was terrible traffic

for miles and miles,

and so I

I said to you,

"Let's go back home on foot."

But we had to cross

to the other lane.

- And you and Ava crossed.

- Mm-hmm.

But I didn't I couldn't

you had to push the cars

- to get through them.

- Mm-hmm.

Like, you had to physically

push them away from each other.

But it but it turns out

I didn't have any hands.

I just had like stumps, like,

nothing from the elbows down.

So like, I it was impossible

for me to reach you guys.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, come here.

It's cold.

Hmm.

You want some water?

- No.

- No?

You know,

I could make us some coffee.

Maybe it's time

that we get up anyway.

No, don't go, don't go anywhere.

Just stay. Just stay.

Okay.

Just stay.

Do you remember anything else?

I'm trying to remember.

You know, yesterday

- My mom has this notebook

- Mm-hmm.

where she wrote down

a bunch of things

when I was little,

like, you know,

anecdotes and medical stuff,

and dreams.

That's really sweet.

Yeah, we were looking at it

together yesterday.

And there was this one time

that she wrote about

when I woke up

in the middle of the night,

I was like three years old

or something, and

- Mm-hmm.

- I came into the room

and I was just standing there

in the middle of the room

and I said, "I can't sleep.

All my dreams

are really boring."

And I said to her yesterday,

I was like,

"You got it back then, right?

You got you understood

that 'boring'

actually meant scary, right?"

And she said,

"What are you talking about?

No, you were so cute, no,

you didn't look scared at all."

She just was incapable of

She couldn't

Sometimes, I feel

like I'm not sure

if I have the ability

like if I've ever really

truly loved anyone.

Or if I've ever

really been loved.

Okay, now you're being dramatic.

- Am I?

- Yes.

I love you.

And I always have,

in my own

deranged way.

And you love me

in your own complicated way.

And you'll always love me.

"In the middle of the night,

without any fanfare,

in a dark house

somewhere in the world."

What's that?

Mmm, it's from a movie.

Hmm.

- Okay. Let's cut.

- All right, we cut.

Here you are, guys.