01x07 - House Party

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- [grunts]

- Hey, Lexi, think fast!

- Jamie, you have to say

"think fast"

before you throw it.

- Sorry.

I always get the order wrong.

Are you ready for my party

Saturday night?

- Oh, yeah.

As an early birthday present,

I got DJ Khaled's baby

to make you a playlist.

It's okay.

- [chuckles]

Hey, fast, think Aisha!

I did it wrong again.

- [laughs softly]

[melancholy music]

- So how are you doing with

- Please stop.

I don't care about

Jamie and Aisha.

- But you like him.

I mean, it's okay

to have feelings about--

- The only reason I like Jamie

is because we would've been

the ultimate power couple.

The brain naturally wants

popular, hot people

to be together

and rule over society.

That's why it's annoying

when beautiful actresses

date "SNL" writers.

- So you're good?

- Of course.

I wish Jamie and Aisha

all the luck in the world.

- Cool.

- Goodbye.

Have a wonderful day.

- I am PO'd as F.

Jamie promised me

his extra ticket

to see Dane Cook at Morongo,

but apparently

he's going with Aisha.

- I'm sure you guys

will work it out.

- Huh?

You're not making any sense.

- Oh, sorry,

I'm still in character

from another conversation.

How's this?

Jamie has no right to rob you

of seeing your

favorite comedian

at your favorite casino

on the way to Palm Springs.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- You know what we have

to do, right?

- Break up Jamie and Aisha.

- Oh, I was gonna say buy

two tickets and go with them,

but let's do your thing.

[school bell rings]

- When I wake up

in the mornin'

Alarm gives out a warnin'

I don't think

I'll ever make it on time

[school bell ringing]

By the time

I grab my books

And I give myself a look

I'm at the corner

just in time

It's all right,

it's all right

Saved by the bell,

it's all right

It's all right,

saved by the bell

It's all right

'Cause I'm saved

by the bell

[school bell ringing]

- Uh, morning, Slater.

Just a couple of

school-related items

I wanted to run by you.

The pool is closed

for cleaning.

We have parent-teacher

conferences now on Wednesday.

Also, you have

a mandatory double date

with me and two fly honeys at

Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville

on Saturday night,

and oh, the new

volleyball mats came in.

And I think--yup, that's it.

Thanks a million.

- Nice try.

- Please?

- No way.

- Listen, my date won't go

unless I bring someone

for her friend.

- So ask somebody else.

- No, no.

Listen, listen, listen.

It can only be you.

You see, they think one of us

is you and one of us is me,

but you're the one

they think is me.

- And where would they

get that idea?

- I don't know.

My dating profile pic

is a group shot,

and you're kind of

in it, but

- This is a picture of only me.

- My arm is in it.

Therefore, it's not catfishing.

- Yeah, the liquid's supposed

to look purple.

- I'm so excited

for Jamie's birthday.

I've never been

to a rich kid party before.

- Uh, Jamie's not really

a rich kid.

- Um, I once saw him Postmate

a churro from Disneyland.

Your boy rich.

Do you think the party

is gonna be like "Euphoria",

all emo and smoke-filled,

and everyone's, like, damaged,

but in a sexy way?

- Since when do you watch

"Euphoria?"

- Since I started my extensive

research project

on how to have fun.

- Mm.

- I'm using our first

Bayside party

as an opportunity

to rebrand myself

from a social perspective.

Exciting, huh?

- Not the way you say it.

- No, I'm actually gonna party

this time,

not just stand in the corner

or try to make friends

with the dog.

- Wow, you really are

rebranding yourself

from a social perspective.

- So can your dad drive us?

- Uh, I'm obviously gonna

be dressed like a stripper.

- Oh.

- We need a non-parental ride.

Hey, DeVante!

- My clothes are going to burn

off my body.

- Chill, bro, it's not an acid.

It's a base.

- Ooh.

- What's up?

- Can you drive us

to Jamie's party this Saturday?

- No.

- I'll give you 30 bucks

and the login to my Netflix.

- Deal.

- Yes, he'll take us.

Ooh.

- I'm sorry, but could you have

been wrong about the acid?

- Yeah, could have been.

- All we have to do

is make Jamie think

that his beloved dog

hates Aisha.

I cut up hot dogs.

You put them in Aisha's pants.

The dog bites her crotch,

Jamie dumps her.

See figure A.

- Your plan is bad.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Using psychological warfare,

we will prey upon

Jamie and Aisha's

individual weaknesses

to drive a wedge between them

and destroy their relationship.

Step one.

We make Aisha think that all

of Jamie's hot ex-girlfriends

have sent him

romantic birthday gifts.

Aisha, competitive by nature,

feels the first pangs

of jealousy.

Step two.

We exploit Aisha's

deepest insecurity.

Prior to the party,

I will break into her home

and replace her heels

with an identical pair

two sizes too small.

- The Grinch Maneuver.

Genius.

- Step three, Jamie's

Swedish model ex-girlfriend

suddenly pops out of a cake,

her tiny little feet

on full display.

- You sure are putting

a lot of eggs

into the "insecure

about her feet" basket.

- Shut up, okay?

There's 97 more steps.

- [sighs]

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Heard Jamie's having

a big party this weekend.

- No, not a big party,

just a few friends.

- Man, remember how much fun

high school parties

used to be back in the day?

- [chuckles]

- Roll in

rocking your most neon

tank top,

tell the DJ to hit it,

then dominate the dance floor.

- Can you believe

that was, like, 30 years ago?

- No.

There haven't been 30

NBA championships

since high school.

Raptors, Warriors, Warriors,

Cavs, Warriors, Spurs,

Heat, Heat, Lakers five times,

Bulls, Bulls, Bulls,

Rockets, Rockets, Bulls--

damn, you're right.

- Hmm.

- But I don't feel

30 years older.

- I do.

Last night I threw my back out

rocking Jamie to sleep.

- [clears throat]

Hey, listen.

Since René

is still at his retreat,

I could swing by your house

and help you chaperone.

- I'm not gonna be there.

- What are you, nuts?

You can't leave a bunch of kids

unchaperoned

in your nice house.

I wouldn't leave them

unchaperoned

in my not-nice not-a-house.

- Slater, a parent must

plant the seeds of trust

if they ever hope to one day

enjoy the shade

of the trust tree's

leafy branches.

That's a metaphor my editor

cut from my book

'cause it was bad.

- Well, um, since

you gotta be out of the house

anyway, um

I was probably gonna

go to the movies or something.

- Oh, no, sorry,

I'm gonna be out of town.

René called and asked me

to come visit him in Arizona.

- You didn't let me finish.

I was going to the movies

because I have a date.

- Wait, you were inviting me

on your date?

- Oh, so I guess

I was also on a date

with everyone else

sitting in the movie theater?

[scoffs]

Grow up, Jessie.

- No, I am not in the market

for solar paneling, Eric.

But listen, while I have you,

what are you doing

Saturday night?

- I'll go on your

stupid double date.

- Really?

Oh, great!

- Hey, never mind.

Slot's been filled, loser.

Why, yes,

I'll hold for the survey.

- And then the next step--

- Are we almost done?

- Yes, step 99.

Our plan has culminated

in a massive

un-take-back-able fight.

- [yells]

- Jamie retreats

to his bedroom, devastated.

Finally, step 100.

I comfort Jamie,

remind him of our easy

friendship and shared past,

we kiss, and Jamie's free.

- Wait, why do you

have to kiss?

- Uh, to ensure

they're really broken up.

- Oh, that makes perfect sense.

That's an excellent plan.

- Thank you, I thought of it

as I was saying it.

- And it's, like, classic Lexi,

like, the evil

and diabolical plans

you used to come up with

all the time.

- What are you talking about?

- You know,

you used to be, like,

cool and mean,

and then you kind of went soft.

Like, after a rapper has a kid

and does

a family vacation movie.

- Okay, what?

I'm still cool and mean.

I've insulted, like,

seven people today, idiot.

Ooh, make that eight.

- Doesn't matter.

What's important is

I'm going to see Dean Cain

in Morocco.

- What? I thought it was

Dane Cook at Morongo.

- That's what I said.

- Hey, get out

of the teacher's lounge.

And how the hell did you

get a conference table in here?

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- This house is huge.

Maybe Jamie is a rich kid.

- Yeah, it was purchased

back in 2002 for $3.1 million.

What?

Y'all didn't Google the address

before we got here?

- Huh--

Sorry, I was nervous,

so I pregamed with my mom's

Don Q she saves for Christmas.

I'm fine.

Let's do this, baby.

- Is she wearing angel wings?

- I don't--I don't know.

- People say

I drive too fast

Move too fast,

live too fast

Ain't no such thing

as too fast for me

- Daisy, your foot

is in the trash can.

[upbeat music playing]

- I may have

pregamed too much.

- How many days did it take you

to drive to Connecticut?

- Ooh-la-la.

Sorry, pal,

dibs on the hot one.

Evening, ladies.

You must be Deirdre.

- You're so much cuter

than your pictures.

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Michelle.

- AC.

So how do you know Deirdre?

- She's my boss.

She said if I didn't come

on this double date

there would be

professional consequences.

- That's bad.

You should tell

the HR department.

- We are the HR department.

[both laugh]

- Ron, can I just say,

you have

such a beautiful smile?

- Thank you.

The state cut our

dental insurance,

so enjoy it while you can.

- [laughs]

- Ow, why are my shoes

k*lling me?

- Jamie, presents

from your ex-lovers.

- Oh, weird.

I'll open them later.

- Oh, look.

This one's already open.

Wow, it's an Oculus from Holly.

- She got you an Oculus?

- And Sienna got you

floor seats

to the Lakers-Clippers game.

How thoughtful!

Isn't that the last game

you went to

before your grandpa passed?

- [laughs softly]

A Laker girl hugged him,

and Grandpa got a streak

of her boob makeup on his face.

- I've always liked Sienna.

For an Instagram cheerlebrity,

she was really down to earth.

- You know what?

I'm gonna go find Daisy.

- I'll come with you.

- No.

Stay here

and open your presents.

- Aisha.

Wait, are you mad at me?

[dramatic music]

- Hey, our scheme

is working perfectly.

- I should hope so.

We're 40K over budget.

[both laugh]

- Come on.

You're telling me

your favorite band is Train?

They exclusively make music

for car commercials.

- Uh, more like

they exclusively

make number one hits.

- [laughs]

You know,

I was dreading tonight,

but this is actually

really fun.

- You know what? I'm having

a really good time too.

I mean, not as good as them.

- I hope this isn't

too forward,

but I'm falling

in love with you.

- [gasps]

It's not, Ron.

I feel the same way.

[mellow music playing]

- So should we get

another drink?

- Yes, definitely.

[cell phone ringing]

But uhlet me just take this

really quick.

I'll be right back, okay?

- Okay.

- Hey, Jessie, what's up?

- You were right.

The party is out of control.

I've gotten 100 notifications

from my doorbell camera,

and Jamie isn't

picking up his phone.

- Calm down.

It's gonna be okay.

- My neighbors are gonna

call the cops.

They all hate us

'cause my compost bin stinks

and René has a pet rooster.

Slater,

I hate to ask you this,

but can you please get over

there and shut down the party?

- Uh, you need me to do that,

like, right now?

- Uh--oh, my God, wait,

you have your date.

Sorry, never mind, forget it.

- No, no, no, no.

If you need me--

- No, no, no, no,

don't be silly.

I'll ask someone else.

I'll ask Toddman.

- You're gonna throw away

everything we have for him?

Look at him!

- No, it's okay, Jessie.

If you need me, I'll be there.

- Really?

Thank you so much.

- I have a problem?

You have a problem!

- [sighs]

Hey, listen.

I am so sorry,

but something suddenly came up.

My friend had an emergency,

and I gotta go.

Again, I'm so sorry.

- Okay.

[indistinct arguing]

- Ooh, he'll take me soon

He's making room

- Stop doing that.

I hate this.

What is that?

- Who cares?

Tonight, I'm living life

as a verb.

- Hey, you wanna see

something fun?

- Mm-hmm.

- Cool, let me show you.

- What?

- There it is, mm-hmm.

- Ooh!

- "As a verb"?

- You're being, like,

crazy jealous right now.

- Jamie,

I swear to you I'm not.

- Well, you're mad

about something.

What do you want me to do,

throw the presents out?

'Cause I will.

I don't need this,

or a Rolex

or some song that Billie Eilish

wrote for me personally.

- No, throwing them away

is even worse.

- How?

God, you're being impossible.

- Then don't be with me.

- What?

Oh--

- Jamie's on the move.

Cancel steps 3 through 99.

Advance to step 100.

Over.

- Already?

That was fast.

- All you've gotta do now

is go into Jamie's room

and manipulate your best friend

into kissing you.

- Oh, God.

When you say it like that--

- It sounds awesome.

I know.

- [sighs]

Okay.

I'll get into position.

- And I'll get ready to see

Dean Koontz at Costco.

- What? I thought it was

Dane Cook at Morongo.

- Who cares?

Just go.

- Okay.

[slow mellow music]

- Girl, you so beautiful

when you faded, faded

Ooh, I like you better

when you faded

- Looks like you and I

are on the same trip.

- Girl, what are you

so afraid, afraid of?

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

[crowd cheering]

- You can't relate

You never had as much bread

on your plate

Y'all have my blessings,

thank you, I'm great

Giving 'em reasons

to gossip and hate

Go away,

don't pay attention

You see me moving

in a different dimension

Just look at my mansion

Club boys with patience

- Okay, okay.

Party is over.

Alexa, cut the music.

- No!

- Oh, come on, Coach.

We thought you were cool.

- Yeah.

- I am cool.

But Jamie's mom called and said

I gotta shut this thing down.

- Aw, this sucks, we were in

the middle of a dance battle.

- It doesn't matter,

everybody's gotta go now.

- But we're tied.

Come on, help us out.

Just one dance.

We need you.

- Coach Slater can't dance.

- Uh, yeah, he can.

He's always talking about

what a sick dancer

he was in high school.

- Nice try, guys,

but there is no way

I'm doing more than one dance.

- Yes!

- Alexa, hit it.

- I think you have to say

the name of the song.

[lively instrumental music

playing]

- Guess not.

[music stops]

Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

- Whoo!

- You're the man.

You're the man.

- Aisha was so cool,

and then tonight

she just completely

changed personalities.

It's like Dr. Jekyll and

Mr. Hyde were the same person.

- Did you not finish the book?

- It's a book?

- All right, well,

you just started dating,

and you don't really

know each other.

- Yeah, I mean,

I guess you're right.

- Yeah, like, you and I

have been friends for what?

- As long as I can remember.

- Exactly.

You can't expect someone

you've known for what,

two months,

to understand you like I do.

- Yeah, you do know me

pretty well.

Hey, remember this?

- Oh, my God, our string phone.

We used to sit in our windows

and talk on those all night.

- Remember back when

I was husky?

You used to yell through it

every morning,

"Wake up, lard-a*s!

Welcome to another day of hell!

That is, if you haven't already

died of a heart attack."

- Huh.

- Oh, man, good times.

- Yeah, kind of

forgot about that.

- Oh, I didn't.

I mean, why do you think

I worked so hard

to make my body like this?

It's 'cause

I was afraid of you.

- Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

- No, no, it's fine.

I mean, you're not

like that anymore.

- Eh.

I can still be pretty mean.

- No way.

I mean, you used to hurt people

and, like,

never feel bad about it.

Like, remember that time

that you exposed

Spencer's dad's affair

just to ruin his bar mitzvah?

- Yeah, maybe I have changed.

- You have.

I mean, the old Lexi

wasn't a very happy person,

and sometimes unhappy people

take their feelings out

on the people around them.

But you're--you're happy now.

- How do you know I'm happy?

- Because I know you.

[laughs softly]

[gentle music]

- Damn it.

- What's wrong?

- Look, you're right.

I'm happy and I'm nice now.

[sighs]

- Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba,

Barbara Ann

Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba,

Barbara Ann

Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba,

Barbara Ann

Barbara Ann

Oh, take my hand

Barbara Ann

You got me

rockin' and a rollin'

Rockin' and a reelin'

Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba,

Barbara Ann

You got me

rockin' and a rollin'

Rockin' and a reelin',

Barbara Ann

- Oh, no, it's the cops!

Everybody hide!

[siren wailing]

[suspenseful music]

- Happy birthday, Jamie!

- Oh, thank God I found you

in the first room I checked.

I have to tell you something.

There was a scheme

to break you and Jamie up,

but I heroically stopped it.

I also started it.

It was my scheme.

- What?

- I'm sorry.

I guess I wanted you guys

to break up because

I like Jamie.

- I know.

Daisy told me.

- That b*tch is lying.

Sorry, reflex.

Just

Look, I want Jamie to be happy,

and he's happy with you.

I'm the one who got him

all the gifts.

You have no reason

to be jealous.

- [scoffs]

Jealous?

I don't get jealous, honey.

I'm dope.

- God, you're so confident.

- You would be, too,

if you had feet

as big and beautiful as I do.

- Okay, wait,

so if you weren't jealous,

then why were you so upset?

- Because at school,

Jamie and I,

we don't seem

all that different,

but being in this

big, fancy house

watching him open

all those expensive gifts, it--

it made me feel weird.

I mean, I don't have money

to buy him an Oculus.

I didn't even get him anything

for his birthday.

Don't laugh,

but that's why I was in here.

I was trying

to make him a gift.

- Oh, Holy God,

what is that thing?

- It's supposed to be Jamie.

- Huh.

- [sighs]

- Let me give you some advice.

Jamie doesn't need things,

especially not a haunted

painting from hell.

He just needs to know

that you care about him.

He really likes you.

- He does?

- Yeah.

And love across class lines

happens all the time.

My dad was rich,

but my mom was just hot.

- Aren't your parents divorced?

- Yeah, that was never

gonna work.

They're from

two different worlds.

[knocking on door]

- It's the police!

Open up!

- Maybe someone should

go talk to them.

- Yeah, but who?

- Maybe Colt?

[knocking on door]

Coming! One sec.

- Good evening, sir.

We got a noise complaint,

but I didn't know

an adult was home.

- Yeah, sorry, officer.

I guess the party

got a little out of control.

- Oh, I get it.

I have kids too.

Boy, do I hate it

when they throw a party.

Let me help you out.

Young lady, you better

keep the music down

for your dad, okay?

I mean, you may think

it's a lot of fun

carrying on all night now,

but when you get to be

your dad's and my age,

fun is a quiet night at home

with your family

and beloved wife.

- Thank you,

we'll keep it down.

- [hiccups]

[people murmuring]

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

- You're the man, Coach.

When I grow up

I wanna be just like you:

a single, childless adult

who parties with kids.

- Okay, this party is over.

Everybody out, now!

[crowd groans]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yeah, I'm just

gonna follow her.

- That should be us

kissing Jamie.

We were so close.

Why didn't you

just finish the plan?

- Because you're right.

I have gone soft.

Now making people feel bad

makes me feel bad,

so I couldn't do it,

even if it meant

losing a guy I really like.

- Who, me?

- Jamie.

- Wait, you like Jamie?

- Yeah, dude.

Why else would I concoct

a super expensive plan

to ruin someone's relationship?

Wait.

Why are you doing this?

- Because of the thing I've

been saying the whole time,

that I wanna drink Diet Coke

with Kaley Cuoco or whatever.

- What? I thought it

was Dane Cook at Morongo.

Mac, seriously,

why did you do this?

I mean, there had to be

some deeper reason.

- Because I felt abandoned by

my dear friend what's-his-name.

- Well, you know,

sometimes unhappy people

take out their feelings

on the people around them.

- Excuse me, I'm not unhappy.

There is no emotional void

I'm trying to fill.

- Okay.

- I don't have a void.

Lexi, come back.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I like this?

[cell phone buzzes]

Hello?

Yeah, that's right.

A dozen pizzas sent to

Ronald J. Toddman's house.

[whistles]

- I heard Yasmin gossiping

about how some girl

was so drunk

she made out with a coat.

Can you believe it?

For once, the loser

at the party wasn't me.

- Girl, that sounds like

a successful social rebrand.

- Uh-huh!

What?

That's a cool party sound

I do now.

- Hey.

- Hey, you're home.

- I don't know

how to thank you.

I am so sorry

I ruined your date.

- Don't worry about it.

You know

I've always got your back.

- Oh, it is so good to be home.

Although, this will

never really be my home

because the white man

can't rightfully lay claim

to any land in America.

Oh, hey, Slater.

- Hey, René.

- René surprised me.

He decided to come back early

from his retreat.

- Mm.

- Slater, are you hungry?

René's shaman

gifted him some jerky.

- [whispers] There's not really

enough for everyone.

- No, I'm good.

- Aw, are you sure?

'Cause we got tons.

- Yeah, I think

I'm gonna just go home.

- Wait, what is that outfit?

Is it from high school?

- Yeah, actually, it is.

I've been keeping it

in the trunk of my car,

but I think after tonight

I may officially be done

with high school.

Matter of fact,

I don't think

I need this anymore.

[upbeat music]

- What?

- Why are you

giving this to me?

[cell phone chiming]