01x06 - Teen-Line

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

choir: Bop-bop

Bop-bop, ooh, bop-bop

Bop-bop

- In the army I saw horror

Saw good men die

They made me wear

long pants

It brought tears to my eyes

choir: Bop-bop

- I shot at Nazis

Sure I missed a few

choir: Bop-bop

- But what does it matter

choir: Bop

- I got home to you

And my biggest wipeout

of them all

Was not answering

when I heard love's call

all: Not answering

love's call

- Yeah, yeah

[cheers and applause]

- Yo, are you crying, man?

- Yeah.

- Me too.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, cowabunga, everybody!

A couple of quick

announcements.

The parking lot is tot--ahh!

[thud]

[groaning]

Somebody, help me,

but don't call an ambulance!

I can't afford it.

[grunting]

Hey, stop filming and help!

Ahh!

Don't look!

My groin has been

suctioned into a tuba!

[school bell rings]

- When I wake up

in the mornin'

Alarm gives out a warnin'

I don't think

I'll ever make it on time

[school bell ringing]

By the time

I grab my books

And I give myself a look

I'm at the corner

just in time

It's all right,

it's all right

Saved by the bell,

it's all right

It's all right,

saved by the bell

It's all right

'Cause I'm saved

by the bell

[school bell ringing]

[upbeat music]

- [laughs quietly]

- You texting Jamie again?

- Yeah, but just

about football stuff.

- Mm, by football stuff, do

you mean going to third base?

- That's baseball.

Learn about the sport I play.

- I can't, okay?

It's too boring.

Listen, I know you're

in love with Jamie.

- [scoffs]

No, I'm not.

I mean, yes,

Jamie is superhot,

but I don't like him.

He's too dumb for me

to date anyway.

Right?

- Well, he did once ask me

if skeletons are real.

- Still, there's no denying

you two would make

a really cute couple.

- You have never talked to us

on the bus before.

- Or taken off your headphones.

Or used the word cute.

Are you okay?

- I mean, can't a guy

just be in a good mood?

- Oh, hell no, he's scaring me.

- Hey, G.

- Hey.

- I know you're riding high

after a stunning performance

this weekend,

but brace yourself.

Tanner's review

in the Bayside Bugle

is about to drop any moment.

- So?

- [scoffs] "So?"

Tanner's reviews

are famously cruel.

His takedown of "Annie"

was so savage,

the dog who played Sandy

ate a giant chocolate bar

on purpose.

- Lexi, it's fine.

I don't care

what same stranger says.

- Wow, what a healthy outlook.

He'll hurt you the most.

- This weekend in the hospital,

I had an epiphany.

When did we all become

sl*ves to these?

Seriously, think about it.

When was the last time you had

a face-to-face conversation?

When was the last time

you went into nature

and stuck your hand

into a hole in a tree

just to see what was there?

Indeed--

- Hey, man.

We gotta go to class.

- All right.

I'm banning cell phones.

I need all of you

to take the kids' phones away.

[people groaning]

And I'm limiting

Internet access

on all computers

to just Weather.com

and a blog that I like

about the First Punic w*r.

- Ron, I get the appeal

of all this,

but phones are not necessarily

a bad thing.

Research shows kids today

are doing less drugs,

getting in fewer fights,

and having less sex.

- Nerds.

- And this definitely isn't

because everyone posted videos

of you breaking your p*nis

in the orchestra pit, right?

- No, and phones are banned!

[people grumbling]

- [laughing]

- Whoever you're texting

must be pretty funny.

Who is it, Gabriel Iglesias

or your boyfriend, Jamie?

- Oh, my God, stop.

I don't like Jamie.

I mean, look at this.

- How did he make "hallway"

harder to spell?

- I know!

Jamie is hot,

but even if he did like me,

I could never date this dummy.

[phone dings]

Oh, I hit audio record.

Yikes.

Wouldn't want to send that.

[phone chirps]

Oh, God.

I sent that to him.

Take it back, Siri!

Take it back!

- Sorry, new policy.

You'll get your phone back

at the end of the day.

- No! You can't

- Calm down.

Life only gets worse.

- But Tanner's review.

How am I supposed to read it

and anonymously bully him

in the comments section

without my phone?

- I have a way.

- Wait, you have two phones?

- Hell yeah.

My parents track my location,

so I pay a nerd to take

that one to the library,

and this one comes with me.

You can use it,

but it'll cost you.

- Oh, if you're asking me

to break Jennifer's leg,

done and done.

- No, 25¢ a minute.

- Here.

"Surf's up?

More like, that sucked."

Damn.

That's undeniably catchy

wordplay.

Here.

- Wow.

He hated the singing,

the acting,

the costumes, the sets

Oh, wait.

He liked the lighting.

- Oh.

- Never mind.

Just the part at the end

when they went out

and he knew the show was over.

- Look, I'll take care of this.

- Another 25¢, please.

- Are you kidding?

No one just carries around

a bunch of loose change.

- Then what goes in a purse?

- I can't believe I sent that.

This is a disaster.

- Maybe Jamie's phone got taken

away before he saw it.

- Yeah.

That's a possibility.

- Oh.

- Aisha, let's stop

playing games.

Well, I mean,

except for football.

And also, you should know

that I'm full-on addicted

to "Call of Duty,"

but what I'm trying to say is,

will you go to dinner

with me tonight?

- Life's so short.

Let's make it lunch.

- Lunch.

That's even more romantic.

- If only I had my phone,

I'd destroy Tanner

in the comments section.

It took me less

than three words

to get Jeremy Renner

to quit his music career.

- Well, well, well.

It sure is nice knowing

my tough but fair

but brutal but true

review of the play

is up on the Internet

going undisputed.

Not a comment in sight.

- You better watch out, Tanner,

or I'll leave a comment

to your face.

- Oh, I'd love to see you try.

- Hey, Lexi, who cares?

Just back off, man.

- Like you backed off

those high notes

Friday night?

- [scoffs]

- Okay.

It's not a good idea

to get in my face like that.

- Oh, I'm sorry,

you don't quite pull off

intimidating bully,

just like you didn't

have the range

for beloved surf soldier

Bernard Kahunski.

- Just get out of here, dude.

- [shouting]

Journalism under attack!

Ooh!

Everybody look at this bully

bullying me!

Close the door!

- Now, I know for a fact

that Selena Gomez's

kidney donor

was Justin Bieber's mom.

God, I wish that I had my phone

so that I could prove it.

- Prove what,

that you're an idiot?

It was Demi Lovato's kidney.

They're best friends,

like you and I were

up until this morning.

- Oh, use your brain, Nadia.

- Like.

Like that outfit.

- Because, 'cause their organs

are the property

of the Walt Disney Company!

- Please.

That's what you believe?

- Oh, that is what I believe.

You better believe that

that is what I believe.

- Hey, buddy.

- Why are you hiding

in a closet?

- I'm not hiding.

I'm in here

so that people

do know where I am.

I'm the only person in school

that has a phone,

and kids are willing to pay

to use said phone.

But how are they to find me?

Solution:

I stay in this closet all day.

- So you've become a pay phone?

- No, no, no.

This is a very

complicated scheme

that is not pay phone related.

- Yeah--

- Is this the phone

I can pay to use?

- It is, just insert

your quarter into the slot.

- I'm sorry,

but why are we here?

- He's here

because he's in trouble.

You, I don't know.

I've asked you repeatedly

to leave.

- I'm shook.

Devante barely pushed Tanner.

- Unfortunately,

it's not that easy.

Tanner's mom is the president

of the PTA,

and she's asking

the school board

for the most severe punishment

available.

- Oh, no.

He cannot go on your podcast,

Toddman.

Every episode is a two-hour

dive into a different

Steely Dan song--

it's inhumane.

- She's asked for expulsion.

- Oh.

Well, that's bad too.

- Don't worry, D.

I got a nerd

to help us figure this out.

- Who, Mervin?

Oh, me.

Tell me what happened.

- Okay, so we had just read

Tanner's theater review.

Wait, back up.

Do you know who Tanner is?

Wait, back up.

Do you know what theater is?

Not what people think it is

but what it really is.

- Okay, this will go

a lot faster

if Devante just explains it.

What happened?

- Yo.

- Bet. Let's go.

- I wish you had just

come to me, Jade,

instead of going directly

to the school board.

- Why?

So you could sweep an act

of student violence

under the rug?

- Nobody's sweeping anything

under the rug.

You demanded a disciplinary

hearing this morning.

It's happening this afternoon.

- Your Honor, speaking as

the highest elected authority

in the sophomore class,

I motion for an immediate

dismissal.

[record scratches]

I've seen, like, 1,000 episodes

of "Law and Order,"

even the weird ones

with Jeff Goldblum.

- Uh, Daisy,

this is just a hearing.

It's not a trial.

- Right, no need for lawyers.

I mean, I am one,

and I will be there.

- Again, this is not a trial.

It's a hearing

in front of a panel

of school board administrators.

- Couldn't agree more.

Not a trial.

See you in court.

[tense music]

- Devante, you really

should have an adult here

to speak on your behalf.

I've called your grandmother,

but I haven't heard back.

Now, we could get you

a school-appointed adult,

but just so that you know,

it is Slater.

- Nah, I'm good.

- This is so nice, Jamie.

Maybe too nice.

I mean,

you don't really know me.

I could be the kind of person

who says mean things behind

people's back for no reason.

- No, I couldn't imagine that,

and I'm great at imagining.

Here, check it out.

Blue cat on a bike.

He just ate a pizza.

[chuckles]

- Oh, you are good at that.

- Thank you.

- Oh, I hope it's okay.

I ordered for us.

- How'd you know?

- Because I listen to you,

and also because your

Instagram handle is,

"Get you someone

who looks at you like

I look at pigs in a blanket."

[both laugh]

It's funny.

That's how I imagine you

laughing when you text "lol."

all: Ooh!

- Stop eavesdropping, pervs.

- We're not.

We're the Bayside

a cappella group.

[all singing]

Ooh, baby, I love your way,

every day, yeah

- [sighs]

This is so fun.

We should do it again tomorrow.

- Uh, yeah, Jamie,

what would you want to do

together

if we only had today?

Like, I was gonna die tomorrow

or more specifically

at 3:00 p.m. today

when we get our phones back.

- Oh, that's easy.

I'd like to spend

your final hours

having the most perfect,

romantic day of all time.

- Yeah, uh, me too.

all: Aww.

- That time, we were

just listening.

- This is so wrong.

A same-day hearing

for one shove?

This would never happen

to a Bayside student.

- Yeah, I see Bayside kids

literally flush

each other's heads

down the toilets

every single day

and not do a thing to stop it.

- Exactly.

Wait, what?

- Look, we know Devante

is a good kid.

Can't we just tell this Jade

to go kick rocks

like I did with my landlord?

- Because it's not just Jade.

Every day

I'm getting voicemails

from parents

who are not happy

about the Douglas

students being here.

I thought it was going

to calm down by now.

It's just gotten worse,

and the last thing we need

is to give them something else

to be mad about.

- So you're willing

to sacrifice Devante

to appease these people?

He's just a scapegoat to you.

- Jessie, we can't call

people that anymore.

- Listen, I hate this.

I care about all these kids,

but this hearing,

it's happening.

I don't know what else to do.

- Wait.

What do you think

scapegoat means?

- Come on, Devante.

Work with us here.

Why can't you just

ask your grandma?

- 'Cause there's no point.

- Look.

Without a parent

here to protect you,

Jade is gonna eat you alive

and then spin off the calories

on her Peloton.

- Lexi, I am not calling

my grandma.

She's a sick old lady

who lives an hour away,

and she knows

how these things go.

- You have to fight

for yourself, for your dreams,

for the rap party sponsored

by Gatorade Red Chill.

- No.

No, this is on me.

I let my guard down.

I messed up.

Now it's hopeless.

- I've never been hopeless

in my life.

Like, I still have hope

that Bella and The Weeknd

will get back together

and I'm the one

who broke them up.

[indistinct chatter]

[curious music]

- I'm so bored from not being

able to play Crossy Road.

I wonder what heroin's like.

- Did you find anything?

- Um, the last time

someone got expelled

from Bayside was 1971,

and he was a member

of the Manson family, so

it doesn't really apply here.

- Okay.

Well, Devante is still

refusing to call his grandma.

- Well, maybe there's a reason

he doesn't want

to get her involved.

- Yeah, 'cause he's given up.

Look, at Bayside,

when you're in trouble,

you call your parents,

and they come fix it.

I pushed Ms. Mandrake

into the La Brea Tar Pits,

and after my dad got involved,

she had to pay

for my dry cleaning.

Now, if Devante doesn't

call his grandmother, I will.

- It sounds like you two

need a phone.

Oh, you looking at my cord?

Yeah, people kept trying

to run off with my phone,

so I devised a security system.

- You are a pay phone.

- No, I'm not.

I'm an inventor.

- The only thing

you've invented

is a new way to be selfish.

The school is falling apart,

Mac,

and your instinct

is to extort everyone?

If you're such a genius,

think of a way to help Devante.

- Okay, we've wasted

enough time.

I'm getting Devante's

grandmother now.

Okay, so here's the thing,

I don't have a phone

or an address,

and I can't get anywhere

without a phone.

- I can draw you a map.

- Ew.

- I can come with you.

- Double ew.

Okay, fine.

I'm gonna get the car.

- Hey, uh,

what are you guys doing?

- Ooh, we're living

like we only have today

for some reason.

- Oh, fun.

Aisha, can I talk to you?

You know this can't last.

He's gonna get his phone back.

- Not till 3:00 p.m.

Just let me live like

there's no tomorrow, b*tch.

Okay? Please.

- Okay.

Bye, Daisy.

[upbeat music]

- Ooh, baby,

I love your way

- That looks like a p*nis.

[both laugh]

- It does.

- Wanna tell you

I love your way

[both laughing]

- What are you doing here?

Do not use the emergency safety

shower for sexy fun!

- Yeah

- I would like to submit

into evidence

this reenactment

of today's as*ault.

[tense music]

- Hey, Tanner!

Say I'm a good singer

or I'll k*ll you.

- We have brought you counsel.

- What did you do?

- We got your grandma.

You needed someone

to fight for you.

- All right.

I heard they're trying

to expel you.

I'll save everyone some time.

I'm pulling Devante

out of this school.

- What?

I thought you were

gonna fix this.

- Oh, baby, I just did.

- I am dying without texting.

I have the hottest goss

and need to spill.

- I'm not selfish.

I'm a nice inventor.

I'm so not a pay phone.

[sings three notes]

If you'd like to continue

this call,

please insert another 25¢.

- So Tanner and Abby

hooked up Friday night,

and afterwards,

he totally ghosted her.

Yeah, they went

to the Kanye concert,

and after he sang "Runaway,"

Abby looked over,

and Tanner hadrun away.

- Okay,

Grandma Doris was a bust.

I mean, she did tell me

a really cool story

about hooking up with someone

named Bootsy Collins,

but I really thought she was

gonna fight for him

or at least threaten Toddman

or something.

- Lexi, I knew you were trying

to help,

but you only know how Bayside

works for kids like you.

You're asking Devante

and his grandma

to believe in a system that's

screwed them over before.

[door opens]

- I played your sick

little game, Daisy.

I figured out

how to save our friend.

- What, how?

- What would you give me

if I could selflessly

provide you information

that could get

Devante off the hook?

- It's not selfless

if you're asking

for something in return.

- All right. Okay.

Sorry, I'm new at this.

Let me try again.

I know how to save Devante,

but it'll cost you.

Mm. No, it won't.

One more time.

I will do this out

of the goodness of my heart..

- Aww.

- For just 3 easy payments

of $25.99.

- Dude, come on.

- I'm sor--I'm trying so hard.

- Okay, just tell us.

- Okay.

Tanner went to the Kanye

concert with Abby

on Friday night, meaning

he did not go to the play

and the whole review is a sham.

- Oh, my God, Mac,

that's it.

We can threaten to expose

Tanner and ruin his career

as a high school theater critic

if he doesn't drop

his fake-a*s charges.

- But how do we prove it?

- I bet that thirstoid, Abby,

has photos of them

at the concert on her phone.

- Which is in the room

with all of the other phones!

We should break into the phone

room to get her phone,

and you know,

if Jamie's phone gets damaged

beyond repair in the process,

that is a sacrifice

I'm willing to make.

- Me too.

- Okay.

You guys go get the phone.

I'm gonna go talk to D,

get him to buy us some time.

- Cool, let's go.

- Follow me.

Wait.

Hey, wait, guys.

[coins clinking]

[groans]

- Okay, so I have good news

and bad news.

The good news is while

Mac was a pay phone

he found a way

to clear your name.

- That's the good news?

Oh, no.

- The bad news is me.

Jade is a r*cist skeleton

slathered in Juvederm,

but I'm supposed to be

your friend.

I spent all day dismissing

how exhausting and painful

this must be.

You know, I realized

what Tanner did to you

wasn't just uncool,

it was dangerous.

I mean, do you even want

to stay at a school

full of Tanners

and Jades and me's?

- No.

I guess this is goodbye.

Of course I want to stay here,

dumdum.

Look, Lexi,

you're not a Tanner or a Jade.

You're my friend.

The play was fun,

and I kind of like it here

at Bayside.

Also, I refuse to meet

an entire new group

of white people.

- Okay, but what do we do?

I mean, we need time to find

evidence against Tanner,

and your grandma is signing

your withdrawal paperwork

as we speak.

- Well, maybe I can get her

to restart the trial

and buy us some time.

- Do you think

she'll agree to that?

I mean, you said it yourself,

she has no reason to believe

this will work out

in your favor.

Do you even believe it?

- It doesn't matter

what I believe.

I just gotta convince her.

- Well, it's a good thing

you're the greatest actor

this school has ever seen.

Second greatest.

I go here.

Third greatest--

Kristen Stewart went here

and she doesn't get

enough credit.

- [yelps]

[shudders]

- Hey, Mac.

[tense music]

Oh, hey, that's my phone.

You can go through it

if you want.

The passcode is 8008, boob.

- Wait, you don't care if I go

through your phone?

- No.

- That's crazy.

There's not weird stuff on

here you don't want me to see?

- Oh, yeah,

there definitely is,

but what's the point

of starting a relationship

if it's not from a place

of complete trust, you know?

- Oh, come on.

Every relationship starts with

a couple little lies, right?

You've never done that before?

- No, of course not.

Aisha, we just spent

the most perfect day together.

Why would I ruin that

be deceiving you?

- You're right.

I know Jamie's hot,

but even if he did like me,

I could never date this dummy.

- Oh.

- Oh, look,

I found Abby's phone.

- So I'm just gonna, uh, yeah.

- Jamie.

- We are going to get Devante

into another good school.

I promise I'm gonna do

everything in my power.

- Do you have any power?

- No.

- Grandma, I don't want

to leave Bayside.

Look, I know we've been

here before

and it always goes the same:

bad.

But I still think we should

fight

because I think we can win.

- So you're telling me

you think a trial

run by that

is gonna work in your favor?

[inspirational music]

- Yes.

- Okay, baby.

Let's try it.

- Well, it's gonna take

a whole other set of paperwork

to restart this hearing.

- Oh Mm.

Son of a b*tch.

- Thanks so much

for your help, guys.

I'll be sure

to leave positive reviews

on your TaskRabbit pages.

- Oh, thank you.

So you'll be at my one-man

show, right?

- No. Thank you.

- The hearing is back on.

- But we already won.

- We are talking about a kid's

future here,

and we're at least

gonna give him a fair shot.

- Well, if I'm giving

my statement,

I will need my statement cane.

- Looking for this?

- We know you weren't

at the play on Friday.

- And if we release this photo,

your career

as a high school theater critic

is over.

- But criticism is my calling,

and I can't be a food critic.

I'm allergic to every food.

- Aw.

- Fine.

What are your demands?

- Your mom has to go

on a date with me.

- What?

- What? Mac!

- Sorry, it's an instinct.

You owe us nothing.

- No, still wrong.

- Sorry.

[upbeat music]

- Okay.

We're ready to fight.

- There's no need.

Tanner said he exaggerated

his story.

The hearing is off.

- Well, why didn't anybody

come get me?

Look at my tiny arthritic hand.

- Also, as punishment

for lying,

Tanner will receive

a two-week suspension

and will have to appear

on my podcast.

Come on, guys.

- No, please!

I'd rather get the chair!

- Okay. I love you.

- Love you too.

- Hey, D, you did it.

- This was all you guys.

Thanks.

- You're welcome.

I wanted to selflessly

help you sooner,

but Daisy made me

be a pay phone.

- I am so happy this is over.

- But is it?

- I don't know.

I'm afraid Jade

is just getting started.

- This isn't over, Toddman.

I am just getting started.

- Started. I know.

We were just

actually talking about that.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

UmI'm so sorry.

I only said what I said

'cause I knew that I liked you

and I didn't know

if you felt the same way.

I was the one

who was dumb for saying--

- You know what? Save it.

Because you're right.

I am hot,

and sometimes I can be dumb,

like right now, for instance.

I'm being dumb enough to think

that the amazing day

we just had together

means more than one bad text.

[thumping dance music]

indistinct chatter]

[fire crackling]

- Jessie was right.

Without phones,

the kids have become

drug-addled sex fiends.

For the love of God,

we've got to give the children

their phones back!

[funky upbeat dance music]