16x12 - Children of the Carn

[bunniefuu]

Okay, we're off to our gig at
the Elegant Doily Nursing Home.

Yes, our band has a gig.
Yes, it's at the nursing home.

And yes, it means we have arrived, baby.

So exciting.

Are you still called Bus
Boy and the Cuss Girls?

No. Boa Boy and the Mash Masters.

We play potato mashers.

Uh, those are my potato mash...
Oh, nevermind.

Yup, Zeke's grandma's turning 85.

And I hope this crowd's
mosh pit friendly,

'cause the Mash Masters like to mosh!

Good gosh, how we mosh!

- Okay, we go now. Bye-bye.
- [GENE] Bye!

- Bye, have fun.
- Love you, bye!

Bring my potato mashers back.

Probably gonna throw them
to the crowd like drumsticks.

- So, no!
- [BOB] Ah.

♪ This beat is not
conventional wisdom ♪

♪ This is the rhythmical kingdom ♪

♪ This is additional income ♪

♪ We make that casserole
mashups to freedom ♪

Kazoo solo! Zeke's Grandma's
favorite instrument.

Take it, Zeke!

[♪ KAZOO SOLO PLAYING]

Elegant Doily, let me hear you scream!

[FAINT SCREAMING]

I love you so freaking much, Grandma!

[KID] Mash Masters!

Well, guys, I think we
made musical history today.

We knocked their
compression socks right off.

Yeah, only a couple of
people napped during it.

Hey. Psst, Bessie's grandson.

Oh, hey, uh, guy person.

I'm Rusty. How would you and your

friends like to make a quick 100 bucks?

The answer is yes. Doesn't
matter what you say next.

Yeah, we'd love to make a hundred
bucks, gentleman we just met.

Um, not sure about this.

- I'm in.
- Me too.

All right, come on. Let's go to my room.

Also a perfectly fine thing to say.

So we're all just gonna... Okay.

[LOUISE] What is it?

It's an old prize from Wonder Wharf.

Back when everyone hated kids?

Yeah, well, it wasn't a popular prize.

We named it "Cool-ala."

'Cause he's trying to be cool.

And he's a koala.

Smells like worms.

Okay, here's the deal.
I need you kids to take

"Cool-ala" and hide him for me.

Hide it where? Trash can?

I mean, trash can
might be the right spot.

Have you heard of "Carniapolis"?

"Carniapolis"?

It... It's where the
Wonder Wharf carnies lived.

So it's like how
witches are from Wichita.

Yeah, sure. I want
you to hide this there.

You want us to hide that in Carniapolis?

- Aka "Downtown Stabby."
- Why?

Well, I used to live in Carniapolis.

'Cause of the low property taxes?

- No, because I used to be a carnie.
- Oh.

A long time ago,

me and some of the other carnies

used to hide this for
each other to find.

Like, a fun little prank w*r thing.

Well, now, that's an adorable
thing for carnies to do. My gosh!

It was. But then I got
my money, my settlement

from when the roller
coaster fell on my head.

- Ouch.
- It was one of the softer parts,

but, yeah, I moved away

and, well, I lost touch
with those Carniapolis folks.

And then just a few days ago,
I was cleaning out some junk

and I found this little guy
crammed into my humidifier.

It's been hidden there for ten years.

That explains the smell.

Finding this got me thinking,
It'd be fun to start up

our old prank w*r again, you know?

So I want you to hide
this in Sonny's trailer,

in his kitchen cabinet.

You got it. Oh, that's crusty.

Wait, you want us to go inside
one of the carnies trailers?

Kind of sounds ill*gal and terrifying,

but it seems like no one
else has a problem with it.

So that's cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Uh, how do we know which
one is Sonny's trailer?

It's red, white and yellow, and
it's by the cigarette garden.

You can grow those?

Eh, it's just a big ashtray.

Anyway, I want photographic
evidence that you did the job.

Or else no dough.

We could use my phone to make a video.

Hot damn! Look at J.Ju securing
that means of production.

- Come on! [GRUNTS]
- Ow, ow, Zeke, ow! My nipple.

Hey, just make sure they don't see you.

'Cause they'll m*rder us?

- Yes.
- Wait, really?

I'm kidding.
Because it'll ruin the prank w*r.

You'll probably be fine.

- Okay.
- Great. Love you. Bye.

[ZEKE GRUNTING]

Thanks, Linda. Somehow you
always know when to refill my cup.

Maybe it was the loud slurping.

And then you saying, "Done!"

Quit spying on me, Mort.

All right. I gotta hit
the head. That okay, Bob?

W... why are you asking me?

I don't know. I wouldn't want
you to wonder where I was.

- Get all worried.
- I would not.

- [BELL CHIMES]
- Hi. Have a seat anywhere.

Here's a short story
about the food we serve.

Just kidding. It's a menu. [LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

- [BOB] Teddy, what are you...
- Uh...

[SHUSHES] That's my
therapist, Dr. Marjorie.

[LINDA] That's Dr. Marjorie?

Are you guys saying "margarine"?

- [TEDDY] Quiet, Mort.
- Why do you have to hide from her, Teddy?

You're never supposed to interact
outside the therapist's office.

It's about boundaries.

I saw her at the pharmacy once,

and now I go to one that's 20 miles away

and it's totally fine, even though
they have some kind of problem

with my insurance inside the park.

So you're just gonna hide
back there until she leaves?

No, I'm gonna combat crawl to the

kitchen and then slip out the back door.

[GRUNTING]

Oh my God.

[WHISPERS] It seems pretty empty.

[LOUISE] Maybe they're
all at Wonder Wharf,

and, or, their carnie extracurriculars.

Or at Macy's.
They're always having a sale.

There's a cigarette garden.

This must be Sonny's trailer.

Look at that cute little garden
gnome watching over his crops.

Okay, Zeke and Jimmy
Jr., you're on lookout.

You let us know if anyone's coming.

We'll do a warning call.

Jimmy Jr. does an amazing seagull.

And I do a passable blue jay.

It's like, not quite passable, Zeke.

Oh, well, we'll just
do the seagull and...

I'll work on my blue jay on
my own time, I guess. Dang.

Jimmy Jr., give us your phone.

Okay. The code is 9999.

As in Luftballoons, double Luftballoons.

Okay, people, let's move.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[DEEP VOICE] Uh, hello, Bible delivery.

Get 'em while they're hot.

- Seems like no one's home.
- Unless he's in there.

And he just doesn't need any more
Bibles because he's got so many.

Only one way to find out.

Also, I hope the door is not lo... Oh.

It's a wholesome, trusting community.

Okay, Tina, go ahead.

Hide the Cool-ala. I'm gonna film.

[GROANS]

Uh...

[GRUNTS] This door keeps popping open.

[GENE] Must be the same company
that makes the zipper on dad's pants.

- There.
- [JIMMY JR. SQUAWKING]

- [JIMMY JR.] Seagull! Seagull!
- Oh, crap! Go, go, go!

[SONNY] I don't think the Ferris
wheel is named after Ferris Bueller.

[LOUISE] Uh, quick, under the trailer.

[SONNY] ... day off
and he went and had...

Why are you here? You're the lookouts.

They came in from behind us.

Yeah, we're lookouts.

Not look everywhere and all arounds.

[SONNY] Freakin' A, guys.

- Look what just fell out of my cupboard.
- [RITA, ALFIE GASP]

Okay. He found that pretty fast.

Yeah. No one wanted to listen
to my cupboard concerns.

I thought you were just
having pantry panic.

Guys, it's fine. It's an
all-in-good-fun prank w*r.

If anything, they'll
be downright delighted.

[SONNY] Rusty, show yourself.

You good for nothing, lowlife b*stard!

Ooh, I am so mad right now.

I want to shiv something.

Why don't they sound more delighted?

Oh my God, We're all gonna get shivved.

It's gonna be a real shiv show.

[SONNY] Rusty, show yourself
so I can hurt you with violence.

[GROWLS] I have all these emotions

and I don't know what to do with them.

It's good you're puttin'
words to your feelings, Sonny.

- [SONNY] Thank you.
- [RITA] Seeing that thing,

knowing that Rusty hid it here

makes me want to rip the
beating heart out of something!

Anything!

[TINA] Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

What if we try to sneak by
this fun beer bottle collection?

- Gene, no.
- [BOTTLES CLINKING]

- [BOTH GASP]
- [SONNY] Hey!

Someone under there?

- [TINA] Nope. Carry on.
- A-ha, tiny people.

Wait, this isn't the library.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Now we're gonna have a little chat.

You know, we're actually friends
with one of your compatriots, Mickey.

Is he here? Mickey?

- Nope.
- He's doing the "being in jail" thing

that he sometimes does.

- Crap.
- Damn it.

So what, you work for Rusty?

What are you, his little Oompa Loompas?

- Flattered.
- We barely know him, okay?

We only did this because he paid us.

And we only let him pay us
because we like receiving money.

Why are you so mad at him anyway?

For your information,
we used to be friends.

Best friends.

We called ourselves the Carn Dogs.

'Cause we would eat
the leftover corn dogs

after the wharf closed for the night.

- That's not sad.
- We even made Carn Dog tank tops.

Oh, I just got it, carn. Heh.

So yeah. Then we got into hiding
the freaky koala back and forth.

But then Rusty got his settlement,
and he became like a different person.

All of a sudden it's, "I want to
eat corn dogs that aren't old."

"I want to use soap."

"I've got a humidifier now."

That son of a b*tch!

And then he moved out
to some fancy apartment

with a little room
that's just for clothes.

I think it's called a "clothes set."

But the kicker was, about ten years ago,

I had a heart attack, and that punk

never once visited me in the hospital.

He didn't even send me a shiny balloon

or a nice greeting card that play music.

Well, clearly we are on the wrong side.

Thank you for
straightening that all out.

And now we're gonna scoot and let
you enjoy the rest of your day.

Whoa, I'm getting an idea.

- Corndogs?
- No, later.

You kids are gonna do something for us.

What's she doing now?

She just got her food.
Why don't you just leave?

That was your plan, remember?

I know, but then I was curious
about what she was gonna order.

Now, what's she doin'?

I don't know, Teddy.
Probably eating her...

- Oh.
- Oh.

What? What's happening?

She's kind of taking
the whole burger apart

and laying it out weirdly on the plate.

- [TEDDY] What?
- Now she's sticking her fork in the patty

- and picking it up.
- Like a... like a lollipop?

She's turning the fork and
eating around the edges.

What the... My therapist
eats like a toddler.

Like a strange toddler.

What the hell? What
the hell? What the hell?

You guys want us to
go back to the nursing

home and hide Cool-ala in Rusty's room?

What, like prank him back?

No, no, no.
Prank wars are for friends only.

This is to send him a message
that we're done with him forever.

He's dead to us.

- You mean...
- Spaghetti?

Yeah, we cold spaghetti him.

Oh, boy.

Cold spaghetti him?

When a carnie has broken all trust,

when he or she has sunk so low

that they're not worthy
of your violent wrath,

they get the spaghetti!

Why spaghetti?

- I don't understand the question.
- Okay, never mind.

But maybe instead you could
just talk to each other.

Tina, there's no talking in
a cold spaghetti situation.

Look, we want to do this for you.

But, um, what if we offered you
the opportunity to pay us to do it?

Unless that makes you mad.

What about a roll of
Wonder Wharf tickets

that we totally are allowed
to take home and have?

- Yes!
- Oh, hell yeah!

Now let's make some spaghetti
and put it in a koala.

How many times do you think the
Barefoot Contessa has said that?

Man, we're like double agents.

Working both sides, trying
not to lose ourselves.

- Conflicted.
- Yeah!

How the hell are we supposed to get

Rusty out of his room? Oh, there he is.

"Pudding Social." Boy, birthday
cake and pudding in one day?

These old people are gonna
be bouncing off the walls.

Okay, here's the plan.
We'll show Rusty the video,

get our hundred bucks
and you guys distract him

while Gene and I take Jimmy Jr.'s phone

and go film ourselves
hiding the koala in his room.

Maybe I'll ask him if stuff is
different now than how it used to be.

I'd be curious about that.

And there's me putting the koala
very successfully into the cupboard.

The cupboard door keeps opening.

- No, it just looks like that.
- Okay, great.

Well, services rendered.
If you want to just pay my sister here.

Ooh, this pudding is
going right through me.

Gene, too, probably.

Let's go find the bathroom. Huh, buddy?

Uh. Yep. Like I say,

"You don't buy nursing home pudding.
You just rent it."

So, Rusty, wanna get out your wallet

or a sack with a dollar sign on it?

I'm not sure how people
your age carry money around.

Oh, I have my wallet in my room.

- Should we go get it?
- No.

I mean, it's just, uh...

It's just we're all having such
a good time at the pudding social.

- That's pudding it mildly.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, that's funny. Okay.

You kids stay here and I'll
go get my wallet and come back.

- Oh, uh...
- Wait, Rusty, uh...

I wrote a song about you.
Here it goes...

[♪ PLAYS KAZOO OFFKEY]

I sure do love that sound.

- Thanks, Grandma!
- Damn it.

[TINA] Here comes Rusty to get his
wallet because it's in his room.

Just shouting that out 'cause it's fun.

What are you guys doing?

Well, uh, we were on
our way to the bathroom,

and then we were like, pfft,
"Life's too short," you know?

And we've been partying
in here ever since.

Whoa, whoa, hey, what are you...
Where are you go...

Oh my goodness, another weird koala?

How did that get there?

They had you do this?

I can't believe it.

I've been cold spaghetti-ed.

Better than being pappardelle-d?

[RUSTY] They cold spaghetti-ed me.

The sons of b*tches
cold spaghetti-ed me.

Yeah. Um...

So is this a good time to
ask again about that money?

[GROANS]

Judging by your sad face,

and your long, weird sigh,
maybe we'll circle back?

Mmm, mmm.

You know, I'm just
learning the inner workings

of this sphagetti-ing process, but

it seems like you kind of deserved it.

Okay, sure. The settlement
money made me kind of snobby.

I was buying all sorts of toiletries

and I bragged about my
humidifier quite a bit.

Yeah, I guess they didn't like that.

But also, Sonny said
you didn't go visit him

in the hospital after his heart attack.

And you didn't send anything.
Not even a jib jab.

I know, I know. I didn't go.

Things have gotten weird.

I didn't think they'd want me there.

The rich guy with the "clothes set."

I think it's "closet."

What? But it's the thing
you put your clothes in.

Okay, yep.

But, Rusty, your BFF had an
H attack and you did nothing?

- Well, I paid for his medical bills.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Really?

Wow. Seems like something
you should tell a guy

Ah, just thinking out loud here.

I mean, I was sort of hoping the hospital

would call him and
say, "Congratulations,

your humble, generous, estranged
buddy paid for all your stuff."

And then I had my own health issues

to deal with. And, well, time passed.

And you were hoping that
starting up the prank w*r

would get you guys to be friends again?

Yeah, but I guess not.

Maybe when I die,
they'll finally miss me.

Huh, maybe that is what you have to do.

What? Die?

Make him think you died.

- You have a fake funeral.
- Huh?

Yeah, the more I think about
it, fake funeral is the only way.

Well, I don't know about the only way.

- No, no, no. It's the only way.
- Oh.

Let the emotions pour
out and the healing begin.

And if the good feelings make
everyone want to give us 100 bucks

and maybe some Wonder
Wharf tickets, so be it.

Rusty, you in?

Eh, what the hell. What else am I doing?

Well, looks like you have cataract
surgery coming up later this week,

- so that's something.
- Mm-hmm.

You want to have a fake funeral?

- Yeah.
- [SIGHS]

People always think a fake
funeral is gonna fix everything.

And they're always right?

- Fine. I'll do it.
- You will?

Yeah. It's a slow week.

But just as long as he doesn't jump

out at some point and say, "I'm alive!"

- That's my ground rule, okay?
- Yeah, okay.

- Okay.
- It reflects poorly on a mortuary.

A business only gets so many of those

before people start to lose trust.

Now, do you have a
picture of the gentleman?

Yep.

Oof. He's not dead?

Eh, maybe this guy would
be a good therapist.

Never mind. I don't like
the way he's holding his pen.

Like he's already disappointed in me.

And this lady's wearing,
like, seven necklaces. [GROANS]

This is hopeless!

Teddy, I really don't think
you need a new therapist.

Hmm, yeah, maybe I don't
need a therapist at all.

- Well... I... didn't... say...
- Uh...

Plus, I have you guys.

- Mm... I...
- Yeah, um...

Very busy.

Have I told you about the sex
stuff that I'm dealing with?

- Hm. Teddy, stop.
- No, stop.

Hello. Hi. Thank you for coming.

Let's see those sad funeral faces.

Dad, you're already good.

Yeah, You've got resting, grieving face.

Uh-huh. We'll help fill seats at your

fake funeral for 30 minutes, tops.

And then we need to go back
and open the restaurant.

- Speaking of dead places...
- Gene.

How dramatic do you want me to be?

Something like... [WAILING] Why?

Maybe turn that down to, like, a four.

- [SADLY] Why?
- Mm. Let's try 7.5.

[DRAMATICALLY] Why?

- There it is.
- That was good.

Okay, come on. We gotta hide.

The carnies will be here any minute.

They all wear watches,
and they're always on time.

So remember, you reach
out to them in a few days,

and say, "Oopsie. There's
been a mix up at the morgue."

"Wrong dead guy. These things happen."

"But isn't it great? I'm still alive,

several days after my tasteful funeral."

- Sound good?
- You got it, Dr. Death.

And don't call me that.

I can't believe we spaghetti-ed Rusty.
And now he's dead.

Are we gonna get in trouble?

Are they gonna dust
those noodles for prints?

I don't know. Let's just try
to be present in the moment.

Damn it. I've got a tic on my leg.

I'll burn it off later.

I can't get more Lyme disease.

[CLEARS THROAT] We're here today

to honor the life of Rusty Perkins.

Carnie, settlement
beneficiary and man about town.

You'll notice there's no casket.

That's because the body
is still at the morgue,

and that's a totally normal
thing in this business.

- Mort's nailing it.
- [WHISPERS] Yeah.

So our beloved Rusty has passed on.

It's sad, really super sad.

When you think about it, it gets sad.

Hopefully, no one holds
any resentment towards him

that they now regret because
he is just so, so dead.

Let it go.

At this point, I'd
like to invite up anyone

who wishes to say some words
about their friend Rusty.

- I'll say something.
- Oh, that worked?

I mean, good.

Rusty was a huge jerk who
shoved his settlement money

in all of our faces, and
we all hated him for it.

- [KIDS GASP]
- Okay.

But before all that,
he was a good friend.

I'll never forget the
stinky dude with corn dogs.

He tapped it up like a microphone
and say, "Is this thing on?"

[SIGHS] I may have a tattoo that says,

"Sucks to be you." But
you know what really sucks?

Losing a friend to this
disease called death.

[SIGHS] That's beautiful.

And I just wish more than anything

that I could've had a
chance to tell him that I...

I'm alive!

- [RITA, ALFIE GASP]
- No, no, no!

Hey, guys, I'm alive.

Isn't that great?

- Oh, boy.
- [LINDA] Why?

I can't believe you.
I made myself all raw and vulnerable.

And I find out you did a fake funeral?

I take back all my tears.

Goodbye forever, Rusty. Come on, guys.

- No, no, no.
- [TINA] But wait.

You all came to the funeral.

You must still care about him deep down.

- Also, hi. It's us from before.
- Hello.

- Nice to see you, again.
- Hi.

Look. Yes, Rusty made you
guys think he was dead.

And, yes, Rusty did the one
thing he wasn't supposed to do

and jumped out and said, "I'm alive."

And yes, the whole fake
funeral thing was Tina's idea.

Wait, what?

But Sonny, Rusty paid
for all your medical bills

- when you had the heart attack.
- What?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

I just thought maybe our boss,
Mr. Fischoeder, secretly gave us

health benefits without
telling us because he's shy.

Are health benefits a thing?

I just watch online tutorials
about how to make medicine.

I do all my own stitches. See?

- Well, uh, thanks.
- You're welcome.

Now, can you guys
just bury the hatchet?

Or the shiv, if you will? [CHUCKLES]

Sorry, um, and just be friends again.

I don't know.

We live in different worlds now.

We're carnies, and you're
just not anymore, you know?

Hold on. Hold on.

What does this tell ya?

[GRUNTS]

You still have the tank top?

Once a carnie, always a carnie.

Aw, he still has the tank top, Bob.

Uh, I... I don't
understand the significance.

Me neither. But it's nice.

Geez, Rusty.

- Bring it in.
- Yeah...

- I wanna do hugging.
- Group grope!

- [SONNY GRUNTS]
- Aw.

This is exactly how I
want my fake funeral to be.

Hm, I want mine to be better.

I want the new Pope from
Conclave should be there.

Good for them, finding
their way back to each other.

What was I thinking? I
can't fire Dr. Marjorie.

She's my guard dog.

So what if she's eats
like a total freak?

She's the closest person in my
life that I pay money to talk to.

- I mean...
- What?

N... Nothing.

Ah, it's nice to not feel such a

burning hatred for you anymore, Rusty.

What the... Ha!

Well done. Game on.

Wow. Look at 'em. Friends again.

We did this out of the
goodness of our hearts.

I don't even care that we
didn't get any money or tickets.

- Really?
- No, I still care very much.

Hey, who wants burgers at
that sad restaurant next door?

We can talk about the day, possible

exchange of money, and, or ride tickets.

- Come on, let's go get you some lunch.
- For free!

- Uh, not for free.
- Free if you kiss the chef!

- No, Gene.
- I'm buying.

[SONNY] I mean, we should
be getting back to the wharf.

A lot of people on
unmanned rides right now.

- Probably not safe.
- [RITA] Eh, they're fine!

They're not trapped. They're
just getting a longer experience.

- Eh, you're right.
- We also do real funerals.

Tell your dead friends!

♪ This beat is not conventional wisdom ♪

♪ This is the rhythmical kingdom ♪

♪ This is additional income ♪

♪ We make that casserole
mashups to freedom ♪

Kazoo solo! Take it, Zeke.

You got it!

[♪ KAZOO SOLO PLAYING]

♪ This beat is not conventional wisdom ♪

♪ This is the rhythmical kingdom ♪

♪ This is additional income ♪

♪ We make that casserole
mashups to freedom ♪

[ZEKE] I love you so
freaking much, Grandma!