02x10 - In Utero

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Californication...

You hocked everything? Is that it?

I need to fess up, OK?
It's part of the process.

I'm King of f*ck Mountain!

I could go for days!

(Hank) All right, repeat after me.

- I will never...
- "I will never..."

...f*ck Mia again.

Oh, no! You didn't!

You're an as*h*le!

- But we haven't even dated.
- No, I'm a little too old for you.

You date children.

What the f*ck?

I thought I saw a green light there.

- I work for Lew Ashby.
- It says "Get in the car."

(Driver) We'll have you back by eleven.

Just in time.

- The guy's an animal.
- He is a great kisser.

I'm gonna have to pass
on that very tempting offer.

Wow. Rejected.

I went on a date
with this beautiful woman,

and I did not have sex with her.

- Why are you looking at me like that?
- How am I looking at you?

Like you want a reward or something.

That was very rewarding.

What is that?

Ow. Ooh.

- What is that?
- Yeah. Ow.

- That's...
- It's like a lump or something.

That's my groin.

(Clears throat)

- (Doctor) Wow.
- Wow?

What does that mean, "wow"?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah?

I see what you mean.
You got quite a lump here.

It's grotesque.

- Cancer?
- Not necessarily.

What the f*ck is it?

One very angry and swollen lymph node.

Down there?

I keep telling him
it's probably nothing, right?

Not necessarily.

So, what are you working on these days?

What am I working on?

I'm working on figuring out
what that f*cking lump in my junk is.

- That's what I'm working on.
- I say we biopsy that sucker.

We'll do it right here, right now.

I'd love to, but I got a lot of important
meetings and appointments, so...

- I'm a very busy man. I got to run.
- Hank, you're doing this right now.

(Doctor) Come on. It'll be fun.
It won't hurt at all.

Well, that's not true. It's gonna hurt like hell,
especially down here.

- It's gonna be quick, right?
- In the whole scheme of things?

Sure. Over before you know it.

OK, hold up. Hold it.
Is there time for me to get a drink?

Can you send a man-nurse over to
Gil Turner's for a bottle? Can I get a drink?

For you? Sure.

(Thunder)

(TV) The body of Kurt Cobain
was found in a room above the garage

of his fashionable
Lake Washington Boulevard...

(♪ Nirvana: Heart-Shaped Box)

Hey.

What's wrong? Are you OK?

Kurt Cobain...

He's dead.

What? What happened?

Suicide.

- That's a f*cking shame.
- Yeah.

And I'm pregnant.

♪... when you turn black

♪ Hey! Wait!

♪ I got a new complaint... ♪

Ta-da! It's positive.

- As in?
- As in I'm with child.

What's so positive about that?
Here. Have another one.

- Look. Pee on this. Pee on that.
- Hank...

We've done three, OK?
I'm all out of pee.

Drink some water and hydrate
and pee on this.

- I'm pregnant.
- I'm not convinced.

This is happening. f*ck.

The rabbit done died, huh?

All right. OK.

What do we do now?

Well, it's OK. I mean, you know,
I'll just take care of it, so...

We'll take care of it.

(Sighs) So that's it? We've decided?

That's good. Yeah.

Oh, well played, woman.

I now feel entirely incapable
of giving you the right answer here.

Well, no. I mean, Jesus Christ, Hank,
we barely know each other, right?

You got a girlfriend.

It's a loose arrangement. The waify models
are good that way, you know?

And you have a boyfriend.

Let's not forget that important little factoid.

I have a boyfriend who's on tour,
a boyfriend I never see,

a boyfriend I think less and less about.

All right, look.

I don't want to be insensitive, all right,

but are we entirely sure
that this is my doing?

Yep. We seem pretty sure. OK.

Most likely it's nothing.

But what could it be?

It's hard to say.

You could have a nasty infection
somewhere.

Well, that sounds very manageable.

Absolutely. We could probably
knock that out with antibiotics.

Great. What else?

It could very well be an STD.

- No, I don't think so.
- Oh, really?

What else?

No, let's stay in this arena.
I want to know more.

Well, syphilis is a big one.
It's on the rise.

- Syphilis.
- Syphilis?

Do you hear that? That's nice.

I don't see any reason that we would
assume that. It could be cancer.

- It could be.
- That's better than syphilis.

Woman, what is wrong with you?
You'd rather I have cancer?

We've got to talk about options.

I don't have any pamphlets
or literature on me,

but you strike me as a painfully liberal,
pro-choice kind of a gal.

Who, me? Oh, my God, no.
I'm ultraconservative.

Like NRA, pro-life, the whole...

- Really?
- Yeah.

That really limits our options,
but let's sit with that for a moment.

Seriously, I have been on
a kind of non-ab*rtion streak my whole life,

and I feel kind of good about that, you know?

Yeah. I get that. I get it.

But do you really...

really want to have a child right now?

No, not really.

You do, right?

No. God, no.
I mean, I am a child.

A fairly big one, you know,

but when children have children,

it never works out for anyone.
Especially me.

Right. I can see it might
seriously hamper your ability

- to drink and get laid on a nightly basis.
- Don't worry about that.

- I can multitask with the best of 'em.
- Good to know.

I'm sorry that I knocked you up.

It's almost rude, right?

You're kind enough
to grant me access to your...

your most intimate of areas,
and what do I do?

I pollinate that sh*t.

I really wish that one of us
would have insisted on a rubber.

One of us did.

- Well, not this one.
- This one.

Well, I mean, let's not get
all Rashômon on it.

If I re... OK. Well, no,
maybe I didn't insist hard enough.

- Thank you.
- I'm not gonna press charges any more.

- Wonderful. Look at this.
- I'm just gonna sh**t you.

We get along really well
for a couple of virtual strangers.

For now, yeah, but give it 10 years,

and I'll just be another woman
that you got tired of f*cking.

You know, in 10 years' time,
you might very well be the love of my life.

What are you doing?

- He said today, you know?
- He said maybe today.

- Today is today.
- Hank.

- Will you stop it? It's gonna be OK.
- You don't know that.

Well, I do, because whatever happens,
you know, we'll get through it.

I'm gonna help you.

But it's not your problem.

We're not even together right now, so...

I forgot what a hypochondriac
drama queen you can be.

You're not the one
who just had a biopsy done on your c*ck.

That's cos I don't have a c*ck.

- Thank the Lord for that.
- Anyway, it wasn't on your c*ck.

Yeah, I know, but I consider that whole area,
general area, my c*ck.

- Like, from my knees to my n*pples, c*ck.
- Right.

Well, he said it was probably just
a swollen lymph node, remember?

It could be cancer.

- It could be syphilis.
- Oh, sh*t. Yeah.

I could wind up a blind,
dickless beggar working a 405 off-ramp.

Stop by and say hi sometime.

I...

- (Hank) Look who's here.
- Hey, honey.

Are you OK?

Yeah, sure. Yes. Why?

Because you're here.
You've been sleeping over.

Which could mean you guys
are getting back together.

Or it could mean something's wrong.

Either way, someone should grow a pair
and tell me what's going on.

We're not getting back together.

And everything's fine.

Liars!

(Door slams)

(Karen) Seriously.

What do you want to do?

It's totally up to me?

In a way, it is.

OK, well, I'm just gonna deal with it,
you know?

I don't really want
to have a baby right now, and...

(He sighs)

...judging by that huge exhalation...
- Oh.

...neither do you.

So, that's it.

But we can't see each other any more.

This is no way to start a relationship.
We're both cheating on people, Hank.

It kind of sucks. I don't want to do that.

So, you go, you know, take care of your sh*t,
and I'll take care of mine,

and if and when you want,
you could call me.

That's not the way it works
in the big ol' world.

People have a tendency to lose one another.

Well, if that's what happens,
then it wasn't meant to be, right?

Could you stop surfing the internet
for a diagnosis?

No way.
I know what I have without question.

- What?
- Apparently, I have the bubonic plague.

(She laughs)

Well, guess what? I have just the cure.

I'm gonna offer you a service.
Yeah.

Cancer-scare mercy f*ck?

You know, I - I...

- I'm gonna pass.
- You're gonna pass?

- You are?
- I don't want you to be insulted, but...

That's OK. I can take it.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Can I ask you, before you go,
a question?

I'm offering you sex and you want to talk?

Has the earth spun off its axis?

It's just you said that thing
the other day, you know?

- What thing?
- About Ashby.

- What do you mean?
- What do you mean?

You said that thing
about him being a great kisser,

which kind of sounded like a joke
and not at the same time.

Well, it kind of was a joke
and it kind of wasn't at the same time.

I mean, he did kiss me.

- He's a f*cking as*h*le.
- No, not an as*h*le. He's a child.

He wants what he wants,

and he can't understand
if he doesn't get it.

He's kind of similar to someone else I know.

There should be a lot of empathy.

You didn't answer my question.

What was the question?

Is this something I need to worry about?
Is something going on?

Oh, please.

Don't you have enough
to worry about right now?

Will you please stop answering
my questions with a question?

Then stop asking me questions.
You said it.

We're not together right now.

So I don't owe you any explanation.

(Thunder)

Come on, buddy.
Everybody has a scare or two in their life.

Remember when they took
that gnarly skin tag

- off the base of my scrotum that time?
- (Laughs)

- That amused you greatly.
- Skin tags are inherently amusing.

Yes, and disgusting.

It's the Runkle family curse.
Mad skin tags, baby.

- You make me want to die.
- Ha!

Anyway, I remember I sweated
that phone call for days, man.

You know, waiting for the results.

Marcy finally had to b*tch-slap
some sense into me at one point.

You will be OK.

That's what everybody says, "You'll be OK."

And then one day the phone rings
and you're not OK.

Well, yeah. There's that.

Hey, look on the bright side.

That girl seems to be
eye-raping you over there.

Who cares? Know how much time
I've wasted on that f*cking dance?

Time I could have spent with my daughter?

Hey. Hey.

- You are a great father.
- No! I'm a father. I am not great.

A great father is a guy
that gives it all up for his family

and leaves his self-destructive
bullshit at the door.

The self-loathing is strong in you today,
my friend.

I'm like my father.
There isn't a woman that I've met

that I haven't fallen in love
with for 10 minutes or 10 years.

What about the one woman
that threw it in with me?

Took that massive leap of faith just to be
with me? What did I do? I f*cked that up.

You gave it a shot, man.

- Did I?
- Yeah.

Did I do my absolute best
or did I just want someone I didn't have?

Is the chase better than the catch?

And other some such
clichéd, masculine bullshit.

There is no absolute best, Hank.

You know, I really envy your
relationship with Marce. You know, it's...

It's like it's indestructible.
You know, Teflon marriage.

Maybe.
Doesn't mean I don't want things.

Yeah, but you know what you have.

I don't know.

Faced with my own mortality,
I might rather be elsewhere.

With Daisy maybe.

That's just the mindfuck of the fresh.
That's an illusion.

That's just new p*ssy talking to you.

What if it's not, huh?

Runkle, you better watch your f*cking a*s

or I will have your ba*ls, skin tags and all.

(Phone rings)

- Doctor?
- No.

It's Ashby. f*ck him.

(Thunder)

(Hank) Hey. Uh...
You want me to leave the water running?

There's still some hot left.

Yeah, OK, OK.

- Oh.
- Hey, beautiful.

What's up with Moody?
Haven't seen him for days.

He's not picking up, returning my calls.
He OK?

Yeah. Yeah, he...

- No. He's got some stuff going on.
- Anything I can do?

Um...

No. I mean, you know,
he kind of wants to know

what's going on with us, which is, like...

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

What is going on with us?

I told him you were a great kisser,
which was... which was kind of dumb.

Well, that is somewhat incendiary.

- And yet completely true.
- I wouldn't know.

No, he... It kind of pissed him off.

- Really? You don't say?
- Right.

You know, I was seeing this guy
when I first met Hank,

and he kind of reminds me of you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- What was he like?
- He was simple.

Simple? Like, uh... Ret*rded?

Yeah.

No. No, good. Really good simple.
I mean, he was...

He loved music, he... he smiled a lot.

Stop it.
Kind of like he had the secret, you know?

- Which is what?
- I guess...

(Sighs) Take the thing you love
and make it your life.

- So, we should kiss?
- (Laughs) No.

Are you insane?
Do you have no memory?

f*ck!

Hank, no!

Hank! God!

Hank, stop!

Oh, sh*t!

OK! OK!

OK. I'm out.

(Karen laughs) Oh my God!

b*tch!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

(Karen) Come on.
You're behaving like a child.

Moody!

- Hank! Get off of him!
- (Phone rings, answerphone beeps)

Hank Moody, Dr Reiss calling.
Give me a call at the office.

Hey! Hello? Hello?

Whoa.

f*ck!

Peace.

That's great, Marce.
Yes. I accept your apology.

I'm all for the 12 steps.

Love 'em.
Can't get enough of 'em.

Wish there were more.

Sounds great.

Can't wait to see you.

Love you too, baby. Bye.

Hey.

"Hey" yourself.

- I thought I might find you here.
- Well, you could've just called.

Oh, I just didn't want
to do this over the phone.

I found a place.

So you're moving out?

- It's a cute place.
- Oh.

It's just a single, but it's in Santa Monica.

It's pretty close to the water
and close to yoga.

There's something else I wanted to tell you.

And I hope you're not mad.

But I don't want to do any more porn.

I think I'm out.

Really?

But you're so good at it.

I don't know,
Vaginatown was special.

I mean, this whole thing was special.

And, you know,
if I can't actually be with you, Charlie...

I'd kind of like the last person
I had on-screen sex with to be you.

(Sighs) That's, like, one of the nicest things
anyone's ever said to me.

And yet totally gross for you.

What are you gonna do?

Temp, waitress...

But I'm gonna take acting classes.
And maybe some improv.

I know I've got an uphill battle ahead of me.

What with the fisting and all.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

But it's worth it cos I really want this.

Well, I'll still manage you if you'll have me.

Are you sure that's such a good idea?

No.

But, uh...

the thought of never seeing you again
sounds like a much, much worse idea.

Um... Maybe I could, uh,
see your place sometime.

I'd like that.

Maybe I could see it now.

Well, I'd like that even more.

- Sorry about your c*ck.
- It's not my c*ck.

Doesn't matter. You should have told me.

- I trained as a paramedic. I could've helped.
- Oh, yeah? Like how?

I don't know. I could've... felt around,
put your mind at ease.

(Laughs) Maybe next time.

(Laughs)

Look, I'm sorry I kissed your old lady.

I'm sorry I kissed yours.

- You f*cking as*h*le. Did you penetrate?
- Did I go inside? No.

Friends don't let friends
bang each other's soul mates.

A-f*cking-men to that.

Be good.

- Sorry about the mess.
- It's OK.

Hank, you're my best friend.

I would never, ever f*ck someone
to get back at you.

I know. That's the thing. If you f*ck
someone, you really want to f*ck them.

That's what scares me.

Well, what do you really want?
I mean, how do you want this to end?

I want to keep doing this
for as much time as we have left.

Not... not cleaning up.

This.

Isn't that, like, what we've been doing?

Well, I don't know if we have.
We've talked about it endlessly,

and we've listed all the reasons
why it's not possible,

but what if all those reasons
just magically went away?

That's the problem. They never do.

OK, you've got one month left.
What do you do?

- How do you spend it?
- With Becca.

No Hank in there?

I don't fit in anywhere in there?
No... No Hank?

Maybe a couple of days.

Fair enough, but for me...

I want you there at the end.

I want those eyes to be
the last thing that I see.

- You know what it is about Lew?
- No. I don't.

He made a choice.
He chose art.

He made that his life.

And that's OK, that's valid.

But with you...

You can't figure out
who you want to be, you know?

It's your indecision that paralyses you
and hurts us, Hank.

I can feel your restlessness.

I mean, a moment like this,
yeah, you want me, you want us.

And then that moment passes
and you just become like this ghost.

14 years ago, "I love you"
was more than enough.

I mean, it was almost revolutionary.

And now... I don't know.

They're just words.

I mean, I know you mean them, but...

Hank, I don't know what they mean to you.

(Phone rings)

You want to be saved?

Hello?

Hey, Dr Reiss. How are you?

OK. All right. Well...

Thank you.

Wow.

- What?
- You were right.

- What?
- Syphilis.

- Bullshit.
- It's benign.

You know, just...

Antibiotics is all I need and then...

- I'm gonna be OK.
- That's fantastic. You're OK.

For now.

- Want to give me that...
- No.

...post-cancer-scare mercy f*ck now?
- No. It's too late.

So, this is it, I guess, huh?

I guess so. Yeah.

- Can I call you?
- No.

No, really, I'd rather you didn't.

Well, will you call me,
you know, just to...

let me know you're OK?

Yeah. I'll call you.

No, you won't.

But I get it.

It was, uh...

It was... It was awfully nice sharing
this most unpleasant of milestones with you.

Yeah. Same here.

Don't get lost out there, OK?

Hank!

I was gonna go check out
that vigil of, um... Kurt Cobain.

I don't know.
Did you want to come?

- The Cobain vigil?
- Yeah.

Well, I got a vigil that I was already...

No, seriously.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I don't know if you know this about me,
but I love vigils.

I kind of guessed that.

(Hank) Dear Karen:
If you're reading this,

it means I actually worked up
the courage to mail it.

So, good for me.

You don't know me very well,
but if you get me started,

I have a tendency to go on and on
about how hard the writing is for me.

But this...

this is the hardest thing
I've ever had to write.

There's no easy way to say this,
so I'll just say it.

I met someone.
It was an accident.

I wasn't looking for it.
I wasn't on the make.

It was a perfect storm.

She said one thing.
I said another.

Next thing I knew, I wanted to spend
the rest of my life

in the middle of that conversation.

Now there's this feeling in my gut.

She might be the one.

She's completely nuts

in a way that makes me smile.
Highly neurotic.

A great deal of maintenance required.

She is you, Karen.

That's the good news.

The bad is that I don't know
how to be with you right now.

And that scares the sh*t out of me.

Because if I'm not with you right now,

I have this feeling we'll get lost out there.

It's a big, bad world full of twists and turns,

and people have a way of blinking

and missing the moment...

the moment that
could've changed everything.

I don't know what's going on with us...

and I can't tell you why you should waste
a leap of faith on the likes of me...

but, damn, you smell good,
like home.

And you make excellent coffee.

That's got to count for something, right?

Call me.

Unfaithfully yours,
Hank Moody.

♪ Nothingman

♪ Coulda been something

♪ Nothingman ♪