02x04 - The Raw & the Cooked

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Californication...

- Sonja. Hey.
- Awkward.

Oh! Ah!

Nice to see you again.

I am pregnant.
You didn't notice my bump?

- Julian's a writer too.
- Really? My condolences.

I like to think of myself
as more of a creative midwife.

What, you're officially back together?

- Until we f*ck it up.
- Could be any second now.

Hank!

I got this book deal.

They want to write about
why everything I touch turns to gold.

You write it.

- Beatrice Trixie.
- Hank Moody.

One girl, two c*ck,
ultimate showdown!

I've had both of them,
but what they seem to forget

- is that they both paid for the sex.
- Have we met?

You always have some f*cking excuse!

This f*cking perv
just tried to mouth-r*pe me.

I accidentally went down on her.

I f*cking hate you!

If you sit here,
people are gonna think you're weird.

And here I was,
planning to run for prom queen.

Back to work, assholes!

We're making rock history here!

(♪ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Free Bird)

Ow!

Oh! Woman! What are you doing?
I'm rocking "medium" now. 86th percentile.

- Don't shut the Free Bird down.
- What happened to the clearing up?

I kind of focused on the patio,
then I was summoned by the gods of rock.

One must take heed of that sh*t.

Right. We're having a dinner party.

So why would you focus on the patio?

God! When you say it out loud like that,
it sounds awful.

- Is it too late to call off?
- Stop it. It's gonna be fun, right?

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

Cos I think it's gonna be like
having a Q-tip jammed up my urethra.

For three hours. Without lube.

Which could be fun if you do it to me.

- Wanna?
- Hank...

- Come on. Let's get going.
- But you should check out the patio.

- No, no, no. I gotta...
- I think you'll be pleased.

Judas Priest, Hank.

What are you up to?

I was hoping you'd finally make
an honest woman of me.

What is that?

Is it not jaw-droppingly beautiful?

Does it not to make
the love juices to flow?

Hank...

I thought you gave that
to a homeless woman.

Who gives diamonds to the homeless?
Not I, Rabbi.

I don't know what to say, um...

OK, well, then, let me relieve you
of your root vegetables...

and allow me.

I love you, Karen.

And I want to spend the rest of my life
annoying the sh*t out of you.

And I want the rest of my life
to start right now.

I'm sick and tired of fighting about the past.

We're not going anywhere.
I get that now.

This is our home.

Because home is wherever
you and Becca are.

I love LA.

Seriously. I love it.
I can't get enough of it.

You are so full of sh*t.

Will you marry me, Karen?

Queen of my dreams.

Mother of my child.

Lady of the Valley.

- Any more?
- f*ck, now I'm out.

- I'm so wet right now. Are you?
- (Laughs)

I mean, it must be like
Niagara Falls down there, huh?

You could always
check it out for yourself.

Why am I here?

The question that plagues us all, Mia.
Why are you here?

She's here
because the poor little wunderkind

is spending too much time alone.

Wunderkind?

Are we just tossing
that term around now? Really?

I may be alone, but I am far from lonely.

You wouldn't believe how many
Facebook f*ck wanna be my friends.

Mia, could you use
your big-girl words right now?

Oh. Um, historically, Bill was always fine
with the creative use of profanity.

- So I recall.
- But I guess you weren't.

Maybe that's why things
didn't work out between you two.

You see, I don't understand
why we invite her.

We already have one sullen,
disrespectful she-devil in our midst.

Hank!
How is that any better than the last?

- You said to change, I changed.
- Change again.

- You're making me mad, Mother.
- (Blender)

Becca...

Hank, enough!

- I am making you mad?
- Allow me to defuse.

- No.
- Mrs Moody?

Ms Moody.

Mr Moody.

- Not so fast.
- What?

Did you hear me say yes at any point?

You didn't have to.
Your eyes said it for you.

As did the arching of your back

and the soft, gentle swell of your flower,

the urgent release of...

You smell of cigarettes.

- What?
- Yeah.

No. It's Mia. Mia's been smoking.

As for Becca, I wouldn't worry.

She'll be back to her sweet, unicorn-loving
self in no time. 10 or 12 years, tops.

- You promise?
- I promise.

In the meantime, let's focus on the good.
We's a gettin' hitched, woman.

And just a few short hours ago,
you had a big, fat orgasm.

- Shh!
- This is heady stuff.

Yours was pretty rockin' as well.

- Yes, I was concerned for your safety.
- You were?

- Yeah.
- How come?

I was afraid that the sheer force of my
ej*cul*te might do some internal damage.

- You OK down there?
- Don't flatter yourself.

That's him.

- Him who?
- The boy.

What boy?
You didn't say anything about a boy.

No, because I didn't want
to do this for days.

- Go get the door. And be nice.
- I'm nice. I'm always nice.

- I love gentleman callers.
- OK.

f*cking kid better watch his a*s.
Mia? Load my shotgun.

Come on! Lipstick!

- Who are you?
- Damien.

- What do you want?
- I'm here to see Becca Moody.

Mm.

- Do you like the rap music?
- Um...

- Yeah. G's up.
- G's up, huh?

Mm.

- What about Roe v. Wade?
- Um...

I mean, I think it's the woman's choice.

Why should I let you in?

Well, cos I'd kind of really like
to get away from them.

Yeah, I don't blame you.
Why are they doing that?

I don't know. It's really creeping me out.

All right. Get inside, quick.
Go play some Guitar Hero.

I'm on medium now.
86th percentile.

- Hey, assholes. Hey! Break it up.
- (Groaning)

We dropped some E.

You guys are f*ck' Ret*rded!

You're worse than Sid and Nancy.

- Yeah, that's right.
- I never did it before. Me likey!

- Just wait till we get naked.
- That's something I'm looking forward to.

Here's a novel idea.

Why don't you get naked and f*ck
yourselves goofy in your own home?

No way. We're starving. Let's eat.

Oh, that's a very nice... shirt.

Where are all the white b*tches at?

There she is.

- I love you so much.
- You do?

Mia. How are you? Nice to see you.

Ew! Gross! Is that a hard-on?

- Mia!
- Something poked me!

Hey, what's going on?
Where are they?

- In her room.
- What is up with you, woman?

- She could be in her first trimester by now.
- Hank...

- Becca.
- Dad?

Door open at all times.
Get it? Got it? Good.

Damien -

if that is your real name
and I'm not convinced -

...I'm watching you. I'm not joking.

(Charlie) I'm sorry. OK?

Your hair is so gorgeous, Mia.

I want to chop it off and sleep in it, man.
Hmm!

- Oh, boy.
- (Door buzzer)

Oh, my God! I didn't even
have time to get changed.

Hello, Dali!

- You look gorgeous!
- Thank you!

Hey! You look gorgeous too. Oh, my God.

- Sorry. (Chuckles)
- Very friendly.

- You look gorgeous.
- Can I get you...

- Hi, man, how are ya?
- Thanks.

- What the f*ck was that?
- What?

- You kissed me on the lips.
- Sorry, friend.

I didn't mean to stir up any feelings
you couldn't handle.

I can handle it.
I just think it's within my rights

to not want the taste of you on my lips
or my lady's lips.

But thanks for the vino.
Make yourself at home.

That's beautiful.

My father gave her a ring once too.
Didn't take.

- Uh... Thank you, sweetie.
- So, Karen, when's the wedding?

Oh, my God. He just, like, proposed to me
a couple of hours ago.

You know what?
If you want, Julian can marry you.

He's an ordained minister.

Why doesn't that surprise me at all?

It's called Church of the Silent Dawn.
And he's married so many couples.

Which is odd cos, of course,
he sure won't, you know, marry me.

Maybe the baby
is gonna change his mind.

Or maybe he's just not that into you.

- (Karen) Hey!
- Mia, that's rude.

Don't sh**t the messenger.

(♪ Heavy metal)

Yeah!

(Becca) Star power!

You should come to one of my workshops.
Free of charge.

You do workshops now?
I am down with that sh*t.

See what it's about.
Maybe it'll help you with your writing.

When you extract the artist within,
does he cut you a cheque too?

Well, I suppose
you could mock it if you want,

but it does seem to be striking
a minor chord out there.

(Chuckles)
He's being very modest.

The thing's selling like Michael Jackson's
Thriller album. It's a great record.

- Definitely one of my top 10.
- You're not alone.

Ba-ba-ba! Whoo!

You're just printing money over there,
aren't you?

- That's a very nice material. What is that?
- I don't know.

- Is that a linen or...
- No idea.

You done?

I'm not surprised
that you've attained bestseller status,

because I think you've tapped into
one of the biggest markets there is.

Everybody wants to feel special.

They are. Even you, Hank Moody.

Wow! First a kiss, now the sweet talk.
What's next, a little hand release?

(Knocking, door buzzer)

Will you excuse me a moment?

Hey, guys, move that over.
It's a little tight.

All right, that's good.

- Ashby!
- Moody!

What took you so long, man?

Stopped to pick up some dessert.
You'll thank me later.

Music people time.

Oh.

Oh! Destiny, Moody.
Moody, Destiny.

We haven't been formally introduced...

You brought me
to the mouth-r*pist's house?

Oh, sh*t, from the party.
I'm a f*cking idiot.

- Should I leave?
- Yeah.

No, really.
Come on, don't be silly.

- What's your old lady's name again?
- Karen.

Got it. Karen, Karen, Karen,
Karen, Karen.

You ready?
Come on, let's go deep.

(Overlapping chatter)

Why don't...
Does somebody want to say grace?

Anybody? Damien?
No grace from you?

- I'll say grace.
- Fantastic. Take it away, daughter.

Can you choose your words
really carefully? OK?

I would like to thank the Lord below

for giving me the strength
to make it through this dinner.

Praise hail Satan.

- (Damien) That was cool.
- And scary. Seriously.

(Charlie) Can you scratch my back, baby?
(Marcy) I have chills.

- Interesting but chilling.
- Oh!

- That feels amazing. You're like a wizard.
- Becca's going through a phase.

- It's not a phase, Mother.
- I know.

- It's my religion.
- She's willing to suffer for it.

She was sent to the principal's office the
other day for possessing a Satanic Bible.

Nothing like sending your kid
to a progressive private school

that wants to burn your kid's books.

Yeah, but then again,
they might be right to raise an eyebrow.

- After all, where does it end?
- What do you mean?

It's all well and good
to indulge your children,

but to endorse a point of view

that profanes every sacrosanct concept
in our culture is wrong, no?

OK, I think it's time to put
Sir Walter Raleigh back in the can.

Honey, it's none of our business.

Chapter four. Lose your filter, find your way.

- How could I forget?
- Gefilte? Did somebody say gefilte?

Have you read it?

- Excuse me?
- Have you read the book?

I don't think I need to, honey.

Don't "honey" me, mister.

The Satanic Bible is actually
the ultimate self-help book.

It's not about worshipping the devil.

It's about believing in yourself
first and foremost

and not wasting your time
on psychic vampires.

If you read it, you might learn a thing or two.

It makes a hell of a lot more sense
than the gobbledygook you're passing off

on the average, everyday
Barnes & Noble bottom-feeder.

That's right. I've read your book.

I want my money back.

- (Marcy) O-tay!
- (Charlie laughs)

I don't know about you guys,
but I think that deserves a slow handclap.

- (Karen) Oh, Hank. That's rude.
- Bravo!

Hank, no. No, no. Stop.

- That girl's magic. What's her name?
- Becca.

So when are you due, sweetie?

You are pregnant, right?

Oh, no. Yeah. I am pregnant. Yes, I am.

- Congratulations!
- Thank you.

- And my due date is not far enough away.
- Did you guys have a lot of fun trying,

or did you have to beat off
into a test tube or something?

I'm just asking. I mean,
people do that sh*t... stuff a lot nowadays.

No, well, this happened
the old-fashioned way.

OK. You gave her a little bit of the
old artist within, didn't you? Salty dog.

Actually, I'm not the father.

- What?
- Not the father?

- Oh, my God. I had no idea. I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.

I have no secrets. There is no shame.

In fact, when we met,
Sonja was already pregnant.

- I could smell it on her.
- Smell it?

(Laughter)

(Sonja) Yeah, really, he is serious.
I didn't know.

(Karen) That's possible.
(Sonja) Yeah, yeah. I know, right?

It was quite a weird first date.

I'll raise the child as my own.
And I'll love it as my own.

(Marcy) I think that is awesome.

This is a grown man willing to stand up and
take responsibility for another man's seed.

- Big ups.
- Thank you.

Mad love. Much respect.

(Charlie) What is she doing?

So you have no idea who the father is?

- I'm not that big a sl*t, Karen.
- No! I...

Hey, hey. No one's judging.

No one's judging, baby girl.
Some of my favourite humans are sluts.

- (Charlie) My wife is a sl*t.
- I don't believe in that word.

A woman who indulges herself sexually
should be celebrated and not condemned.

(Hank) Chapter seven.
"Let a h* be a h*," right?

- That's right!
- (Hank) Amen to that.

- That's what the Satanic Bible would say.
- (Ashby) Hail Satan!

There was only one guy,
according to Sonja.

And, you know, she was lonely.
He was there.

You needed a little positive reinforcement,
didn't you? And he gave you that.

So there is nothing to be ashamed of.
We all do it.

The point is to rise above it
and to love ourselves.

(Marcy) Totally.

You just come up with that sh*t or do
you have cue cards written somewhere?

OK. So I'm just doing
a little mental math over here,

and I think what you're saying, Sonja,

and correct me if I'm wrong,

but that Hank could very well
be the father of the child

because you guys definitely bumped uglies
that one night at my father's, right?

(Marcy) f*ck!

You wear a c*ck bag?

Nope. He hates rubbers.

- Me too. Can't feel a damn thing.
- (Charlie) I love rubbers.

(Marcy) Keeps him in the game.
(Charlie) Keeps me in the game.

God, I'm sorry. I didn't...
I didn't want it to come out like this.

I've been trying to find a way to tell you.
But it doesn't matter.

You know, I mean,
I want this baby no matter what.

Dude, this is my favourite dinner party ever.
I'm so glad I came.

Well, I don't know about you guys,
but I think a cheers is in order, huh?

To yet another fine mess. Good job!

(Ashby) I'll drink to that.

(Mia) Well done.

Let's go.

(Ashby) To fine messes... and new daddies.

(Laughter)

(Ashby) Uh-oh.

What the f*ck?

- This is my daughter's bedroom!
- Chick's got great taste.

Have you no sense of shame?
Get the f*ck out of here!

You should know better.
Marcy... Jesus Christ, Charlie.

Aw! Aargh!

m*therf*cker left a floater.

Game on, broheme. Oh, I get it.

I read you, brother.

I hear you talking to me.

No.

Hi.

Hey, you know what?

The f*cking artist within left us a turd
within our toilet. Can you believe that sh*t?

Literally? It's like he's
taking a dump on top of my head.

I'm reading him loud and clear.
It's a thing between him and me.

I think it involves you. You've inflamed him.
Now it's like Jaws 3. It's personal.

You want a bump?

Are you ready to talk about it now?

- (Crashing)
- (Yelling)

What was that?

Is he OK?

What's he on?
The coke, I know. What else?

Nothing. He did a few lines,
had a few drinks, that's it.

- Get the pen.
- The pen.

I got it.

Get the pen!
The pen! The pen!

Aargh! f*ck!

Oh, my God! What...

(Gurgles) Oh!

Oh, I hate when that happens.
(Groans)

- What the f*ck was that?
- Food allergies.

Bane of my f*cking existence.

Did you eat any of that sashimi?

And then you shoved your tongue
down my throat. There you go.

Thanks, pal. You saved my life.

Hey, what did you do with that coke?

You can always crash at my house.

Thank you,
but I don't think that'll be necessary.

I don't know, man. I know chicks.

This looks like some serious,
extreme doghouse sh*t right here.

- Ready, darlin'?
- Yep.

- Where are you going?
- They're giving me a ride.

Maybe stop for a drink.

Works for me. The Otheroom?

- Great.
- OK.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Hey, come here.
You be cool with her because she's...

She doesn't seem like it,
but she's kind of a fragile flower. All right?

- So play nice.
- Look, I have many vices, my friend,

but jailbaiting ain't one of 'em.

Well, I mean,
there was that one time in Salt Lake City,

but that was like
a Mormon mother/daughter thing.

Pretty f*cking hot.

I pull that out of the spank bank
every once in a while.

- Mind if I borrow it?
- You know where I live.

- Mr Moody.
- That sounds weird.

Call me "he who will k*ll you
if you touch his daughter."

Right. I get it.

She's pretty awesome.

She is. But thank you for saying that.

Do you need a ride home or something?

- No, I walked. I live close by.
- Oh, fantastic.

So I guess we'll be seeing
a lot of each other.

Don't push it. Goodbye forever.

I told you we should have
called the whole thing off.

Then we wouldn't have gotten
the happy news.

The man with the fresh vasectomy
is about to be a daddy.

- You caught me.
- Yeah.

At least you can see
the comedy in all of this.

Oh, right. I either laugh or I cry, right?

- Or both.
- (♪ Lynyrd Skynyrd: Free Bird)

Maybe I'm PMS-ing,
but I feel like I could use a good cry.

I'm not mad at you.

How is that even remotely possible?

Because this isn't about anything you did
while we were apart.

This is about what I did.

I made a huge mistake.

No. Don't say that. You didn't.

I did. I jumped in the car
with you that night.

Then we came back here and we had sex.

And then we just... we just tried
to pick up where we left off.

I mean, do you have any idea how...

f*cking dysfunctional that is?

You know, silly me, cos I'm...

I'm sitting here thinking
that it's like a dream come true.

It was. It was a dream.
But we were crazy, Hank.

Like, thinking we could just wave a magic
wand and everything would be as it was.

I mean, if it was ever as we think it was.
If you know what I mean.

Right. Because we...
we just imagined everything.

We can't do this to her any more.
We've been reckless with her heart.

(Karen) Or I have.
(Hank) No, no.

It's my fault. I should have gone away.

- I should have gotten my sh...
- You are a wonderful mother.

Always.

I will never, ever regret
getting into the car with you that night.

Cos it was so much fun.

And marrying Bill
was definitely not the answer.

I don't know how to say this, but...

Don't.

Neither is marrying you.

- This isn't the answer either, you know?
- No.

Angel, I love you so, so much.

I can't stay.

I'm not asking you to.

I can't stay.

(Sobs)

I'm gonna go out for a little while.

It's OK, Dad. You tried your best.

It was nice while it lasted.

(♪ Lynyrd Skynyrd)
♪ Cos I'm as free as a bird now

♪ And this bird you cannot change

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ And the bird you cannot change

♪ And this bird you cannot change

♪ The Lord knows I can't change

♪ Lord, help me, I can't change

♪ Lord, I can't change

♪ Won't you fly, free bird?

♪ Yeah ♪