01x06 - Humane Animal Trap

[bunniefuu]

What the f*ck?

Ah, for God's sake.

Oh, man.

Who is that?

Is that Car?

Hey, why am I in the RV?

Everything you put in here for me

is wrong.

What's the matter?

You're the one that wanted to see America.

You stay in the RV.

Oh, Car…

your face.

No, no. Don't change the subject.

When have you ever seen me wear this?

You liked 'em at Christmas.

I look like a deranged toddler.

-Is there anything you need?

-Yes.

My own bed.

What are you talking…

That RV mattress is very comfortable.

-I sprung for the memory foam.

-Great. You sleep on it.

Ahh. Stroopwafel.

Fluffernutter.

Oh, Chr-- you pee like an old man.

And some of it in the toilet.

Wait a minute. Where'd you go?

Ahh.

Yeah, see if you know what this is.

- There you are, you little son of a b*tch.

- Just put that there…

Where are you?

I've been trying to track down the f*ck

that's eating my apocalypse kale.

Everyone with the kale.

Whatever happened to spinach?

Oh!

Oh-h*-h*-h*! There you are!

I'm better off at a hotel.

No! God, hotel rooms

have more germs than the hospital.

I just spent a week

doing ten-hour shifts.

Forgive me for not wanting to go camping.

Did-- did you get any sleep?

Not really, but it gave me time

to write up my findings for the board.

Well, that's a plus.

Which I could have done faster

if I was at my writing desk,

which we had made for this very reason.

-You know the transmission rates.

-Yeah, I do.

I just spent half my night

reviewing the data.

Savannah General is extremely safe,

and I've taken all the precautions.

I mean, look at my hands.

Practically down to the bone

from the washing.

Uh, I-- I know. I know it's not ideal.

But what's the alternative?

I let you in,

and we both die of the COVID?

Oh, you're so dramatic!

80% of all deaths are people

in our age group.

And I keep reading about doctors

exposed to peak viral loads.

All right. Now you are starting to spiral

into Zander CAT scan territory.

Well, if it had been up to me,

he never would have had that skate ramp

-in the first place.

-It was a little bump on the head.

I know you're not worried

'cause you're Wonder Woman immune system

can fight anything off,

but I don't want you

to have to watch this body…

fall apart.

Please. I've been watching you

fall apart for 40 long years.

All the more reason

we be careful, you know?

I gotta keep these chesticles intact.

-Chesticles?

-Okay, wait. Six feet. Come on.

Oh, Jesus Christ, we're outside!

It's only 14 days,

and then you can make this body

fall apart all you want.

What?

Actually, I told the hospital

I'd come back next week.

All right, Neil.

Just… talk to me.

What is there to talk about?

Clearly, you've made up your mind

like you you did about the Waldorf School

and the pine tree.

-Oh, it was dripping sap on my car.

-The hot tub.

Please,

you ended up using it more than I did.

-We agreed to one week.

-I am trying to save lives, here.

Once again, everybody else comes first.

It is a g*dd*mn global pandemic, Neil.

Don't you feel any responsibility to help?

Yeah, I feel a responsibility

to be around for our grandchildren.

And if you think sleeping in an RV is bad,

try dying alone in a hospital bed

while the nurse gives your ventilator

to the 30-year-old in the next room.

All right.

What? Carolyn.

What-- we're not done here.

Damn it.

- You made those?

- Uh-huh.

Wait, they're mud ba*ls?

Uh, no.

The Japanese call it hikaru dorodango,

and it's incredibly meditative.

-Look at these babies.

-Right?

Total works of art.

Are you smoking pot again? Sorry, weed.

Some of us never stopped, Neil.

It's hard

to get 'em to hold together,

but Linda is the mechanical engineer

of the family.

All right.

I bet the mud

over by their place is spectacular.

Yeah, maybe so,

but it's not worth getting lynched

by redneck vigilantes.

Oh, God. Wasn't that awful?

It happened three months ago,

and they still haven't made an arrest.

I'd rather stay inside anyway

and spend some quiet time with my…

number one gal.

Please, his only gal.

And his weed…

and his Gunsmoke reruns.

We've been doing that.

Wish we could say the same, but…

someone has decided

to rejoin the workforce.

I thought it was only a week.

So did I,

but the hospital really needs me.

- Oh, well.

- Aren't you afraid of catching it?

No. The ICU

has extensive safety protocols.

The most deadly virus

that the world has ever seen,

but we're all overreacting.

Well, I, for one,

am proud of you for volunteering.

I'm sure that Neil is too,

underneath his worries, right?

-Of course I am.

-See?

What did Jess call it?

"The Boomer remover."

f*cking millennials.

Or that as*h*le in Texas said

we all should sacrifice our lives

for the sake of the economy.

You hit 65,

the world thinks you're irrelevant.

That's why Ken and Joanne

moved to that place in Florida.

So they could be around people our age.

Yeah, but "retirement village"

sounds like purgatory.

-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

-Kind of.

I thought your purgatory

was the Dude Ranch.

No, no, I love the Dude Ranch.

That was all Neil.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There were no helmets.

It was a guided beginner's trail ride.

The horses didn't even break a trot.

Everybody knows

cowboys don't wear helmets.

-Oh, shh.

-Well, at least the ones on Gunsmoke.

Horses are dangerous. You never know

when something's gonna spook 'em.

They are specifically trained

to follow the a*s in front of them.

You know, I told you,

I believe, not to book that trip,

but she barreled on ahead,

did it anyway.

Yeah, it must be exhausting

to be so terrified of everything.

Um, thankfully, you guys have had

many wonderful vacations since then,

right?

- Plus, now you have the RV.

- Ugh.

-A raccoon.

-A what?

A raccoon is eating my kale!

Told you it was a raccoon.

You owe me 50 bucks.

I've been putting up with this all week.

I'll be right back.

I gotta scare him off.

Actually, I'm gonna call it a night.

-Aww! It's only 9:15.

-No, we should, um, get going too.

So great to see you, Carrie.

Please, please stay safe.

-You brought up the Dude Ranch?

-Yeah.

Hey, I--

Are you eating straight from the block?

Now I'm supposed to eat

the way you want me to?

God. I-- I am so sick

of rehashing all this sh*t.

Well, then stop trying to control me.

I'm trying to keep you safe.

Come on, Car…

We're finally hitting our groove

on this retirement thing.

We've reached Valhalla.

Look at this place.

Huh?

I mean, this is what we spent

our lives working for.

Can't we sit back and…

enjoy it?

The happiest I have been since I retired

was the moment I walked back into the ICU.

Don't kid yourself. This isn't about work.

Is it? It's me.

I have never been enough for you.

You think I'm boring and cautious--

No, it's not about you!

It's about sitting around

doing nothing all day long.

Some people would call that

spending time together.

Look, I know

this is what we talked about.

But now that we're here, I feel like a cow

that's been put out to pasture.

Horse.

-What?

-They put horses out to pasture.

Oh, right. I'm supposed

to follow the a*s in front of me.

Wow.

I didn't mean that, Neil.

I love spending time with you,

but I devoted my life

to becoming an expert at what I do.

I mean, I feel useful at work.

I feel alive.

You could feel that way too.

The hospital needs more radiologists.

I don't wanna work anymore.

I did my time.

What, are you trying to guilt-trip me

'cause I'm not you?

I'm sorry. I--

Car…

I always figured our retirement

would be like that semester in med school

when our Sunday's finally lined up.

Sleep till noon.

Eat our weight in bacon.

And then make love till dinner

with that Steely Dan album on repeat.

That was a long time ago.

I guess it's selfish of me,

but I wanna be with you

as much as possible.

I know you got the body

of a 40-year-old,

but technically,

we're on the back nine, kid.

And isn't this what it's all about,

you and me?

Sundays forever.

That much bacon

will get us before the COVID does.

Yeah.

No, I miss those Sundays too. I do.

I know.

The hospital,

I know they need you right now.

And you know, if you wanna go back,

I'm not gonna try and stop you.

No, you're right. I've done my part.

Why push my luck?

-W-what, you-- you serious?

-Yeah.

Let the young people handle it, right?

Hey, but promise me

no mud ball polishing.

My sanity

and your well-being depend on it.

Pinky swear, Stroopwafel.

Fluffernutter.

Ooh!

Trust me, you'll see when you taste it.

It's not pie if it doesn't have a crust.

The recipe

is called crust-less apple pie.

Well, crust-less apple pie

is just warm apples.

All right, fine. More for me.

Are you gonna put down a word,

slowpoke?

You know, genius takes time.

And I'm not gonna let you beat me

five days in a row.

- Oh, Neil, I gotta take this.

- Uh-huh.

Jordan, hi!

Carolyn, so sorry to bug you at home,

but Hoke is the only lung guy on call

and if he tells me to wait and f*cking see

one more time, I-- I just can't.

All right, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan.

Take a breath, huh?

It's fine. Tell me what's going on.

Okay. I got a patient on a ventilator,

and I tried adjusting the FiO2,

but his oxygen saturation

is still dropping, so…

Tidal volume?

Nothing. Nothing.

-PEEP?

-Yeah.

Tried proning too

after Hoke f*cking mansplained it,

but I can't keep his sats up.

Okay, it's blood clots.

Did you try giving TPA?

sh*t. No.

And that's why I interrupted

your perfectly good Sunday, Carolyn.

-Thank you. I will try that.

-There you go.

All right.

Call anytime, okay? Please, call me.

Thank you, I will.

I'll let you know how it goes.

All right, bye.

So…

what word did you put down?

Uh, I'm still thinking.

Oh!

Hey, I didn't tell you.

The raccoon trap worked.

Animal Control is coming by

to pick him up tomorrow.

That's great.

I sure hope Rocky likes his new home.

Well, turns out it's ill*gal

to release raccoons into the wild

because they don't relocate well.

It's more humane to k*ll them.

That doesn't sound very humane.

What can I do?

It's not up to me.

Hold on here.

A, M… Uh-huh. Ah, take that.

Wow. Sixteen points.

You know, only eight days

until we're doing this in person

on an actual Scrabble board.

I picked up

some nitrate-free turkey bacon

that we can take to the bedroom

for the rest of the day.

And, uh…

I found that Steely Dan album on Spotify.

That's great.

In the corner of my eye ♪

I saw you in Rudy's

You were very high… ♪

But where are you tomorrow?♪

I can't cry anymore♪

While you run around

While you run around♪

Break away♪

Just when it seems so clear

That it's over now♪

Drink your big black cow

And get out of here♪

So outrageous♪

So outrageous♪