01x04 - Zero Feet Away

[bunniefuu]

Security alert.

There was motion in the living room…

This f*cking thing. Oh, my God!

- It is possessed!

- Security alert…

Okay, this thing keeps thinking

we're intruders.

It's like, we have to get

a new system or something.

Just turn it off. We're here all day.

We've never needed home security less.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but there's record unemployment.

The economy is in collapse.

People are probably

gonna get desperate.

Oh, my God, babe.

You know how I'm part

of a Facebook group

where we all pretend to be ants

in an ant colony?

Well, someone asked us to name a movie,

but replace one word with ant.

Somebody wrote "Ant-Ant."

What-- what are you talking about?

Ant-Man,

but they replaced "man" with "ant."

So, it's just Ant-Ant,

which I'm saying is funny.

You know, the problem is this app.

The update is a disaster.

Listen to these:

"'The Fault in our Ants,' 'Ant Club,'

'Schindler's Ants,'

'Don't Be an Ant in South Central

While Drinking Juice in the Ant.'"

That's two ants, actually.

I love the Internet.

I think this needs to register your face.

Here, look into the camera.

"Ant-Ant" is still my favorite.

-Shane. The camera.

-Hmm? W-what about it?

Look into the camera

that I'm pointing at your face.

Oh, my…

Okay, I can't do this right now.

Can you take over?

Something with the settings. I don't know.

I'll do it later.

I thought we had talked about the burping.

Sorry.

Strawberry citrus Frescas

make it such a delight.

It's pretty disgusting.

Hey, Ali. Sorry, I had some…

technical stuff

I was dealing with over here.

Oh, I like that hat. It looks great.

Thanks. I let my husband cut

my hair, and now we're getting a divorce.

I can't tell if you're joking.

You're not getting a divorce, are you?

Did you wanna go over the slides

before they join?

Um, yeah. Yes, let's do that. Okay.

Here we go. Slides…

Honey,

where'd you hide the bottle opener?

Sorry, Ali. My…

my boyfriend is incapable of finding

the bottle opener when I'm on the phone.

Boyfriend wouldn't have to ask

if you didn't rearrange

the kitchen every 24 hours.

I rearranged it because I needed

to make it more chef friendly

so that it's easier

for me to cook for both of us

because my boyfriend

never cooks anything at all.

Your boyfriend actually tried,

but you told your boyfriend

that he made too much of a mess

and that his food lacked umami.

That's your excuse?

You know what, honey? I got it.

Don't…

Marco, we can reschedule

if it's a bad time.

Uh, no.

Sorry.

I have to deal with this for one second.

Let me just pause you,

and I'll put this off.

I can't do this anymore.

I am done watching you

lounge around like a frat boy

while I take care of everything

and support us.

My job involves touching people.

I can't do that from six feet away.

You can do something

other than getting drunk

and staring at your phone

pretending to be an ant

with weird Internet people.

Can I?

Without violating one of your a**l rules?

"No working out in the house, Shane."

"You're hogging the Wi-Fi, Shane.

I need quiet for my work, Shane."

Doing nothing is the thing

that doesn't get me yelled at, or it was.

Don't try to act brand-new,

like you don't love doing nothing.

You are peak you right now.

Well, excuse me for trying to find the joy

in a f*cked-up situation

because I'm a naturally joyous person.

Also, we're supposed to be doing nothing.

That's the whole lesson of this.

Maybe if you stopped obsessing over

useless security cameras for one second,

you would realize that nothing we do

during this time matters.

You need to learn

to stop optimizing and just be.

The only reason you're able to just be

is because I'm providing you that space.

What do you want me to do

with all this space?

Start cleaning up after yourself.

I feel like I live with a 16-year-old.

I feel like I live with my mother.

You know what? That cuts. Come on!

Quarantine is teaching us

that we're two different people.

Aaron and David

are getting closer than ever

because of quarantine.

He said they're f*cking like rabbits.

We haven't touched each other in weeks.

You're always busy

and never in the mood.

It's hard to be in the mood

when I've cleaned up cheese

that fell out of your mouth

while you were looking

for what you wanted in the fridge.

Oh, no, I told you that's unnecessary.

Finnegan licks that up.

It's natural

for things to get a little bit stale

after four years.

It could be that we've been trapped

inside four walls for months.

I suddenly understand those pandas

who refused to smash in captivity.

-Hmm.

-Hey…

what we need is to get out in the wild,

you know?

Give our mating life a little zhuzh.

Like, have sex in a forest?

No, I mean, like, find a third.

Please tell me you didn't

just pitch a threesome

during this fight about our relationship,

during a global pandemic.

Haven't done a thing like that in a while.

Aaron and David do it constantly.

I had an idea.

- What?

- Why don't we just f*ck a giant, like,

Coronavirus molecule instead?

You know, we can just Eiffel Tower it.

One of us on each end.

Is that zhuzh enough for you?

Coronavirus isn't a molecule. It's a cell.

Anyway, forget it.

I was just thinking out loud.

Just thought

I could provide a little zhuzh.

Zhuzh my crack!

Hi, Ali. Sorry, I'm back.

Hey, so I just sent you a thing

on how to mute your audio going forward.

Security alert.

The kitchen window is open.

You have to press the button on the sensor

when you open the window.

-What's the password?

-It's our anniversary.

Just put in our anniversary.

Security alert.

- Oh, come on.

- Kitchen window is open.

Security alert.

What is this? What are you doing?

I was baking you an apology

angel food strawberry shortcake.

If shirtless Chris Hancock

could do it, so could I.

Turns out, angel food is impossible,

and he's pretty talented.

Anyway, I know you only really like

eating the icing, so…

Instacart had a deal on funfetti.

Also, I cleaned up as I went,

which, oh, my God, so much easier.

Really good move.

So, I've been thinking.

I think maybe you're right.

I think it could be a good time

for us to fool around with somebody new.

Did you eat one of my edibles?

Just focus, Shane.

Just f*cking focus for five seconds.

Maybe it is the perfect time.

Nothing to do in quarantine matters.

You said that yourself.

It's like the NFL preseason.

None of the games count,

so nobody gives a f*ck

what happens because…

everyone's waiting

for regular season to start.

Players are still

getting injured in preseason,

so there's actually a push

to do away with it in the NFL.

-But I hear you.

-We have to do something.

Right? And this threesome thing

has obviously been on your mind.

What happened to Eiffel Tower and COVID?

We're gonna have to be

very selective with guys.

I'm sure there are people

who have been as careful as we have,

and we need to find them.

If you're on board,

we should talk about next steps.

I'll download Grindr.

- Can't use that.

- Why not?

- I look like I'm about to cry.

- Some people are into that.

Nobody is into that.

Use the one from Tara's wedding.

Yeah, that's good. Here, scroll down.

Okay, body type. Toned?

-We're toned. Are we not toned?

-I don't think-- I don't know.

-What are the options?

-"Average" sounds defeatist.

- Leave toned. It's fine.

- What about tribes?

I put "clean-cut, discreet, jock, rugged."

Well, you can't be clean-cut and rugged.

Put "geek, uh, discreet, clean-cut,"

and that's good.

Don't put jock,

that makes us sound like

we play sports, which we don't.

-Who cares? We're not being audited.

-Dishonest. You're misrepresenting us.

Oh, my God. You do it. I don't like

being chastised while I scroll for trade.

"Couple looks for third for NSA fun."

"Must be social distancing.

Must have good hygiene."

"Must wear deodorant. No drugs."

"Chest hair a plus."

Yeah, that's nice.

Relaxed and personable.

Okay, let's get to know the gayborhood.

My God, they're so many people online.

-This is so irresponsible.

-I get it. People are lonely.

We're in isolation. Look,

there's neighbor Jim from next door.

Only 20 feet away.

Could be very convenient.

- He's our neighbor.

- Kidding. Lighten up.

What's he gonna say

when he sees us?

This is what I don't like about Grindr,

it's so public.

I bet we know somebody

that we could just text

and have a threesome that way.

And if they say no or worse,

they say yes, and it goes poorly,

social suicide.

Yeah, but nobody on this

is looking particularly responsible.

This person's name is Jizzie McGuire?

We don't have to do this.

We can forget this ever happened.

It's fine. Just keep looking.

Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, my God!

- Hot Back-Sweat Pattern guy.

- What? Who is that?

Guy from the gym

with hyper-masculine armpit

and back-sweat pattern we used

to stare at endlessly.

Oh, wow!

Yeah, he looks really good.

Do we think he's responsible, though?

Don't you remember,

he used to wipe down the machines

before and after he used them

in this crazy OCD way?

Yeah, but if you're sweating that much,

you have to be wiping.

I'm messaging him.

Hey.

Well…

Oh-h*-h*!

Okay, here I go. Here I go.

"Looking good, man."

"Thanks."

"Did you used to go to Equinox DTLA?"

"Did you?"

Okay. "Thought you looked familiar."

"Towel guys"?

We did go pretty hard on the towels.

Yeah, well, that's what they're there for.

"We like to stay clean."

- "Looking for?"

- "A third for fun. You?"

Oh, my God! Are you allowed to ask that?

That is so intense.

We want intense. Intense is good, right?

Means that he's being safe.

"No, but we've been very careful."

- "Careful how?"

- "Masks, disinfecting,

six feet, etc. How about you?"

- "Same. Into?"

- What are we into?

Sex. I don't know.

-Sex is vague.

-g*y sex.

-I'll just put "mild to wild."

-Okay.

"Mild to wild. You?"

"Same. When are you free?"

I don't know. I need a day

to groom. Sunday. Say Sunday.

"Sunday?"

Security alert.

Motion in the living room.

I told you turn it off.

If he murders us,

I wanna get it on camera.

That's the whole point of these.

If he murders us, we'll be dead.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Is this, like, the worst idea in history?

Will you just breathe? These things

are about going with the flow,

which is not your strong suit,

so just follow my lead and try to relax.

I'm relaxed, Shane.

Front door.

God.

Hi, come on in. Shane.

Look, you can't be too careful.

- Hi.

- Adam.

Good to meet you.

Thanks for making the trip. Marco.

-Hey. Adam.

-Nice to meet you.

Sweet

- Oh. Towel guys. Cute.

- That's us.

Can you believe…

Do you want a drink?

I made mint juleps.

I don't drink.

I don't like to poison my body.

And you know, I'd prefer it if we

just got right into it, if that's okay.

-Fine by us.

-Yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry. What's that smell?

Oh, it's this candle, I think.

-Um, it's called The Moonlight Walk,

-Oh.

which is less of a scent

and more of a…

Yeah,

I'm actually really sensitive to candles.

- Okay.

- Oh.

Maybe we could crack a window?

Crack a window, yes. Right on that.

- Security alert.

- Shall we retire to the bedroom?

I'd prefer to just keep it right here,

if you guys don't mind.

Here works fine. Hey.

Hey.

Come on in, babe. The water's fine.

Hey.

What? Is everything okay?

Sorry. It's just I noticed

you were biting your nails earlier.

Was I? I'm sorry.

I think I'm a little n-nervous.

It's fine. I just have a thing against

nail biting. I think it's disgusting.

It-- it is? It is.

There's all kinds of dirt and bacteria

under there.

-If we're gonna be kissing…

-Yeah. No, no, I literally agree with you.

-Um, I agree with you.

-It's cool. Maybe you should go rinse.

-Your mouth.

-Oh, yeah.

Yes. Now?

-Yeah.

-Okay. Sorry.

I'll go rinse.

Also, I don't know.

I can still smell that weird candle.

Is there any way we can open another

window? Maybe create a cross draft?

I can make a cross draft, yeah.

Okay.

Great.

What was that?

-That was a cross draft.

-Oh.

He's creating a cross draft.

-What are you doing?

-I'm rinsing out the dirt and bacteria

-from my mouth.

-Hurry up. It's getting awkward out here.

Is it? It didn't look awkward at all.

It looked like you

were really enjoying it.

That was the point.

Weren't you pushing for this thing?

I thought it was what you wanted.

Obviously I was right.

You're very into that guy,

which I don't understand at all.

He's so a**l about everything.

Believe it or not,

I'm kind of used to that.

I'm not like that.

You're not?

Oh, my God.

Am I like that?

-Is that what I'm like?

-He is much, much, much, much worse,

but sometimes a little bit. Yes.

God. No wonder you wanna mate

with other pandas.

I don't wanna mate with other pandas.

The only reason I brought this up

is because you're always telling me

how disgusting you think I am.

I figured you wanted someone else.

I don't think you're disgusting.

Some of your behaviors

are disgusting, not you as a person.

Thank you.

The way you've been talking to me lately

makes me feel like…

-you're gonna leave me.

-Leave you?

You think I'm gonna leave you?

I don't wanna leave you.

I want us to work.

Why would I wanna leave you?

Because you're smart

and capable and impressive,

and I don't really bring anything

to the table.

And I feel like everything I do

only pisses you off.

I-- I-- I just feel like…

sometimes I feel like

you don't like me anymore.

Shane.

You think I don't realize that you deserve

to be with someone more compatible?

-Someone like him.

-You kidding? That would be a nightmare.

The house would be spotless,

but we'd a**l each other to death.

No, baby,

you keep things light and fun, and…

you remind me

to not take things so seriously

and to be a person,

and you make me laugh.

Of course, I like you. I love you.

Really?

Yeah, you're my queen ant.

Don't you mean you're the queen

and I'm your worker ant?

I was thinking I'm the worker,

because I do so much more of the work.

But the queen is in charge.

-True.

-You know what?

This ant analogy doesn't work.

What are we gonna do

about that m*rder hornet?

- What the f*ck?

- What happened?

-I don't know. It just went off.

-Did you touch anything?

No, I was just sitting.

sh*t! It's broken. We're probably gonna

have to call a technician.

- Did you put in the pass code?

- Doesn't work!

This has happened before.

A technician has to come.

-You should probably go.

-What?!

He said you should probably go!

Are you serious?

Sorry, man.

Ugh.

-It was nice meeting you.

-What?

Sorry, it's really hard to hear you!

Never mind.

-I'm not as dumb as I look.

-You're not dumb at all!

You're my little kitty cat. Come here.

Come here, baby.

Front door.

Hello!

- Hello!

- Fresh pack of Fresca for you.

Thank God!

- Ooh-ooh. Oh, wait a minute.

- I wanna see…

if these work.

-Oh, my God, they worked!

-What did?

-The cameras. They recognized me.

-Well, look at that!

How's the colony today?

I've been shopping for a new vacuum.

I managed to find a Dyson 30% off.

That's the hottest thing

you've ever said to me.

Oh.

Seriously?

I just opened it to delete the profile

and for some light snooping.

Seriously.

-Uh-oh.

-What?

Neighbor Jim sent us a message.

He saw us on there? What did he say?

"Hey boys."

He's probably all alone over there, huh?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Maybe we should

invite him over for a little…

-socially distant something on the patio.

-That'd be great.

-Right?

-Yeah.

- Security alert.

- Son of a b*tch!

Let me into this impossible dream♪

And know how not to know

Just what that means♪

Except to think of all

That might be seen ♪

In another life♪

In another life♪

In another life♪