01x02 - Whose d*ck is This?

[bunniefuu]

[man] Oh yeah!

[Lauren] Oh yeah.

[man] Oh yeah, you like that,
you like that don't you?

[Lauren] Yeah I like that!

[man] Oh yeah that is a
full Windsor knot baby.

-[man] Yeah you like that?
-[Lauren] Oh yeah I like that.

[man] Yeah.

[groans] You're a
dirty little sl*t.

Sorry, what did you call me?

Oh I'm so sorry,
was that too much?

I just, um, thought we'd
try a bit of role play.

Oh, role play, fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah sorry, I didn't realise.
Carry on.

Yeah? Okay great, thank you.

[man groans]

You little sl*t. Tell me
you're a little sl*t.

I'm a dirty little...

Did I say you could
f*cking talk?

Sorry are we still
doing role play?

Yeah that's part of it.

It's just difficult to...
It's a little bit confusing.

[man] I'm in character.
That's fine.

[man] Oh, there we go, yeah!

[man groans]

[Lauren groans]

[man shouts] I'm going to put
a warrior baby in you.

[man exhales]

♪ I'm like a candle burning
End to end ♪

[cuckoo, cuckoo]

[Abby] Mum, did you know this
part of my foot hurts?

And last night Daddy said he
would give me a plaster...

[Lola] Two plaits tied together
at the back into one plait

starting at the front but not
at the top, at the bottom.

Oh, so two tied together into
one, but at the bottom?

How many hairbands?

Seriously? Two! I thought
you knew everything.

I do know everything.

You didn't know that.

Why is your hair so knotty?

Again, everything?

Well that was rhetorical.

I know why your hair's so
knotty

because your dad never
bloody brushes it, that's why.

No. It's knotty because
when I eat crackers at night

the rats smell the food
and come into my bed

and make my hair knotty.
Seriously.

[knock on door]

Abby!

[knock on door]

Oh, Abby!

Can you just
hold that my love.

Hang on.

[phone beeps]

Hey, just thought I'd
drop by with some kefir.

What? What's that?

Kefir. You said
you'd like to try it.

Kefir! Thanks Matt.

Fermented milk. Good
probiotics. I got this book.

[Lauren groans]

You mentioned you wanted some.

Did I?

-Yes, thank you.
-There you go.

Oh appreciate that.
God, so much.

Yeah it's a healthy yield.

Hmm.

Well thank you.
Gotta get the kids to school.

Yeah, that's cool,
I've gotta um...

..find some other
pointless hobby

to fill the aching void
of my loneliness.

[laughs]

Sour milk, you're doing well.

Right. I'm sure there's
something just as attractive

for a soon to be divorced


man to be doing?

[laughs]

Macramé?

-Well there you go.
-Yeah.

There I do go. So yeah.

Thank you Matt,
for this off milk.

[upbeat music]

[phone beeps]

Okay so, who's d*ck is this?

I'm going to need a little
bit more context I think.

Okay this d*ck...

Oh God and that jar
is full of?

-Apparently.
-Gosh!

I mean a d*ck pic is
one thing but that's...

Horrific! I know.

Now that seems
like too much to me.

Yeah.

Is he collecting it, because if
he is that is a police matter.

One load allegedly.

Oh, f*ck off, get f*cked,
that's f*cked.

-Hold this, I'm googling it.
-Well what you going to google?

Ah, lots of sperm.

Okay, could be Hyper...

Hyperthermia?

Yeah hyperthermia. He got
caught outside in a snowstorm,

and now he produces an
inordinate amount of spoof.

No. It's a very serious and
very debilitating illness

where you have an
abnormally large load.

Oh my God, there's
no way I'm meeting this man.

-Causes dehydration.
-For me or him?

Sorry, who is this again?

Well that's it, I don't know.
It just came up my SnapTap.

Didn't even know I had SnapTap.

Yes, SnapTap.
That's what it's called.

Is that the dance thing one?

No!

Anyway this semen junky is
using an anonymous account

and won't give me his name.

Oh well, put down some towels.

The old ones,
not the good ones obviously.

-Oh God Alex. Look at it.
-No.

There isn't a condom
in the land,

it would be like a water
balloon just filling up.

[Alex moans]

No, no, I'm off milk.

So, he said this week. You've
got three dates this week.

Why don't I just
cancel all of them.

No!

I will not be cowed by
a simple jar of semen.

Okay, calm down.

Well just find out whose
p*nis it is, and cancel them.

Okay?

So who's first?

Ah, so first we have
Dallas Guitar Abs.

-Okay, so that's Dallas.
-Yeah.

Does it look like his p*nis?

Right, so we are doing this?

Here? In work hours we're
playing 'd*ck Guess Who'

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Okay.

Well his eyebrows
are kind of light.

Yep.

And Sir Cumalot's
pubes are darker.

But do, you know, eyebrows
always match pubes, I mean...

It's a good question.

My eyebrows are quite...

I don't want to know
the colour of your...

Maybe I'll get him
to send another photo

and give us more detail,
more to work with, you know...

Right, yep, good idea.

Your second date is...

Sorry, have you
got a second date?

Well not with the
same guy, but yep.

So he didn't call?

No, well who?
No, they all call.

Oh, well that's really
tough, that's tough.

I mean,
maybe you shouldn't, um,

if you're going to sleep
with them straightaway.

But I don't... I don't sleep
with them straightway.

Well I do.

Well if you're going to
give away the milk for free,

why would they buy the cow?

I don't want to sell the cow,
or them to buy it,

or, f*ck the milk, you know,
and also it's not 1952 Ange,

people, women can have sex with
whoever they want can't they?

-They can.
-I think so yeah.

So you're finding it hard
to meet someone nice?

I don't want to
meet someone nice.

Well I suppose the options are
limited out there, by our age.

[Ange laughs]

Because all the good ones
are married aren't they?

[Lauren] Well...

Honestly I'm really
just looking for sex.

[Alex] Sex.

But you must want
a bit of romance?

-Nuh.
-It's magic.

I don't like magic,
don't like it.

Wha, what sort of guy are you
looking for do you reckon?

Oh I don't know,

looking for a really kind of
weird, clumsy, strange guy.

Oh, right. Oh, ah!

Ah, classic me,
clumsy and weird.

[phone beeps]

What? What's he saying?

"Your turn first,
downstairs pic."

You can't be serious?
You're serious.

Okay, we'll take it
on your phone because

you've got a
better camera.

Absolutely not, not for me.
No thank you.

I'm not going to
get the right angle.

I just don't think I'm the
best person for the job.

-Come on, Alex, please.
-What does he want to see?

I don't know. I think maybe
the nice, the main bit.

-The main bit?
-Yeah.

It'll only take a second.

-Okay?
-Jesus Christ.

Please don't.
[door slams]

-Okay, do I-
-Okay. Here we go.

Go in, or not?

-So, Okay.
-Oh, god.

I'm not going to touch it.

You're just going to have to-

So, do you think this
should be on or off?

Just around your
ankles is fine.

I don't know if I can
get my legs wide enough

if they're on.

No, they're wide enough.

Just why can't we do a
nice tasteful tit shot?

Nickers on or off? On or off?

I don't know how to answer
that.

Here they are.

Okay.

Kneel down. Kneel down.

That's it.
Good, good, good, good.

-Okay.
-Is that it? You got it?

-Yep.
-Is that wide enough?

Yep, yep.

-Now take it.
-Thank you, thank you.

There's three to
choose from and um...

..pants.

Ah, okay.

I'm just going to not have to
see you for a couple of hours.

I might just AirDrop
this to my phone.

[upbeat music]

[Ange] Hello.
[Alex] Yep, hi!

It doesn't seem to
have come through.

Did you press 'Accept'?

Isn't it automatic?

No, it's not automatic,

that's why they put the
handy 'Accept' button there.

I'll send it again, Jesus.

Okay.

Now I really do
need some time

and maybe a
peppermint tea actually.

So how do I SnapTap?

[children chattering]

Hello!

[Jake] Hiya.

-Hi Mum!
-Some washing of theirs.

What's that on your face?

Dirty washing, my favourite.

Cheek tats.

Oh god.

Hey, I got a calendar
reminder for tomorrow night.

Permanent marker, really?

Tomorrow night?

Yeah, it's in
the joint calendar.

What does it say?

"Dallas Guitar Abs 7:00 PM."

Is Abby learning guitar now,
I thought she was doing violin.

Mhmm.

Viola. Yeah.

Oh, so Dallas is
her viola teacher?

Yes.

No.

It's probably a client
in the wrong calendar.

-Right.
-Guitar?

I can do the guitar.

But when are we supposed
to fit in lessons?

No, baby, it's a mistake.

Wow!

Who did your hair?

-Na...
-I did.

[Lauren scoffs] Bull sh*t.

YouTube.

Oh, come on.

You hardly even ever
brush her bloody hair.

I do brush their hair.

All right, sometimes.

So Dallas.

This is a person,
or a place?

Mhmm.

Remember I have Stanley's robot
dress-up party this weekend.

-Yes!
-Oh yes, that's right, darling.

Yes, I will help you with that.

I'll wire something up for you.

You do not need to worry
because I got this.

Ta-da.

But I thought we were going
to make something properly.

It's a bit lame.

No, I know.
But then I bought this.

How much did that cost?

Yeah, okay, well,

we can make something, I'll
make something with you then.

Dad needs to do the wiring,
voice recorder, lights.

I can do it! I'll do it,
I'll figure it out.

All right. Suit yourself.

I'm out.

I can always YouTube it.

[tool beeping]

Oh, look, for goodness.

You accepted the dates
in the wrong calendar.

Well, I didn't know
I had two calendars.

It's all fixed.

Why didn't you just
tell him it was a date?

Because it's none
of his business.

Sorry, it's just electricity.

Yep.

Thank you.

Have we heard from captain c*m?

-Sir Cumalot.
-Sir Cumalot.

No. But, I've had an idea.

I'm going to get Dallas
to show me his woody

before I commit and then
compare it to the photo.

That's actually a
very good idea.

Yeah.

Uh.

-Lauren?
-Mhmm.

Okay, so this
is a Snap Story.

Excuse me.

Starving.
[Ange laughs]

Lauren, we've got that meeting.

We can just-

Oh, should I, should I?

No, it's okay. Thank you.

So I've made a story?

So how do I delete this?

-Oh god, okay.
-So who has it?

-So you sent this.
-Where has this?

Yeah, so basically, you've sent
it in direct message to him,

but you've also posted it
to all of your contacts.

-All my contacts?
-Yeah.

Okay. But, no, it's okay.

Not everyone has this app

and you can actually
see who's viewed it by,

no, no.

Yeah, but if you've done
it, you can't actually

see who's opened it.

So my

vag*na is just out there now?

-Just the main bit.
-Yeah.

It's all right,
it's just a vag*na.

Just a vag*na.

I've got a normal vag*na.

Power to the vag*na,
you know?

-Yeah?
-Mhmm,

Definitely, definitely.

[upbeat rock music]

Wow.

[Lauren sighs]

Nice garage.

Yes, oh, great, thank you.

[man] So psyched you're here.

Oh, it's good to be here.

Shocking day.

Mhmm.

You thirsty?

[man sighs]

God, you're a babe.

I don't have long before
I have to get back.

Cool.

So, get your p*nis out.

Yeah, cool, cool.

Hiya, would you just, would
mind listening to this?

Oh.

It's, I've been working
on it since we met.

It's about... old women.

-Oh, okay.
-I mean, experienced women.

It's like, starts like.
[guitar strumming]

♪ Gotta woman with
some class yeah ♪

-Oh, thank you.
-That's you.

♪ And a hot mama a*s, yeah ♪

Can I please see your p*nis?

♪ She's a working woman,
Hell yeah ♪

♪ And she's going to
Make me swell, yeah ♪

Yeah, and so, there's like
a pre-chorus that's like...

[man singing]

It's sewn up.

It won't take a moment.

Oh.

[man singing]

-You're circumcised?
-Yeah.

Oh, we're good to go then.

[upbeat rock music]

[man] Did you like it?
Did you like the song?

Yeah.

-Hyper what?
-Spermia.

That's not real.

Rosa, what do you want
on your sandwiches?

Well, you don't look like
you got drenched in c*m.

No, but that's because
I compared Dallas' p*nis

to the picture.

Okay. That's not creepy at all.

You planning on doing that
with all the other dates too?

No. It's 50/50.

Callum Salesmen, or Guido
Fireman are Superspermer.

Oh, do you have
the app SnapTap?

Dunno. Dave might. Why?

Because I may have accidentally
posted a public vag*na picture.

Wait, what?

Public vag*na picture.

What? No, hang on.

Did you just say you posted
a picture of your vag*na

on SnapTap?

-Just delete it.
-Wow, that is...

Quickly, please.

[Helena sighs]

I think Jake's
got a girlfriend.

Why?

The girls came home in these
incredibly fancy plaits.

Oh shut the front door, wait,

What kind of plaits
are we talking?

Perfect French fishtail plaits.

And he said he did it
off a YouTube video.

Um mm, no chance.
I would lose my sh*t.

I mean possible
girlfriend, whatever,

but do not touch my kid's hair.

Plaits are a bit better
than yours, aren't they?

Mhmm.

Well, cheer up. Could be worse.

You could be about to get
a face full of c*m. Oh wait.

Thank you.

[upbeat music]

Girls, please help me.
We're late, obviously.

Mum, can we finish
my robot after school?

Yes darling,
I promise we will.

Okay, Come on Lola.

I am making my bed.

Yeah, that's the sofa though,
isn't it?

Come on, I'm going
to count to 20,







Hey, that's not real counting.

Yeah, but that means
you're not going to know

when I get to 20 right? 16!

Do you want me to do your hair?

Nope, it's perfect.

Yeah, Did daddy
really do your hair?

Uh, Yeah, yeah,
Definitely not Nancy.

Who's Nancy?

Dad's friend, yeah.

Yeah, we stayed with
her last weekend.

Stayed with her?

[car horn honks]

[upbeat music]

Oh hey, some stuff
for the robot.

Who the f*ck is Nancy?

Do not take my kids somewhere
overnight without telling me

where they are.

Yes, alright I-

What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

Okay.

What about this?

So I was looking for a photo
of the girls to send to Mum

and this...

c*ck!

I mean there's heaps of them.

I mean the camera roll,
it's, it's full on.

c*ck,

c*ck.

Oh, look another c*ck.

Here we go. There's
more c*ck, hang on,

is that your...

Just, oh.

Yeah, you, are you still
logged on with my Apple ID?

-I don't know.
-Oh, for God's sake!

What?

Use your own bloody Apple ID.

I don't know the password.

Sort it out.

[upbeat music]

God.

Alex.

A cup of tea?

Oh yes please.

Can you just put
these on for a second?

These arms.

There we are.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like that?

Yeah, you just need
some silver face paint.

Oh, I've got some.

Yeah, Mardi Gras, 2015.

I went as a sexy hammer.

I was a hit.

Really nailed it.

Hmm, good.

Okay.

Oh.

What?

-Who's d*ck is this?
-Hmm.

[upbeat music]

Where'd you say you got these?

They were sent to a client.

We're trying to work out if
we need to take out an AVA,

just considering the evidence.

Like a name tag on the jar.

Well you do know
that's semen right?

-Okay.
-Really? Is it, wow.

Yeah, that's a 370 gram jar
right there, so about 710 mil.

So what we're looking at there
is about 410 mil of semen.

-Wow.
-Yep.

Now the average man
ejaculates approximately,



Now either that's over a
hundred loads of, sorry Lauren,

semen, or this guy
has hyperspermia-

-Hyperspermia.
-All right, okay, okay.

And if you zoom in...

That looks like-

-A Flak jacket
-A flak jacket, yeah.

What do firemen wear?

Flak jacket.

Oh, Guido Fireman, cancel him.

Thanks Simon.

Ah nah, all good.

Alex, can I have a quick word?

Yeah, sure Ange, what's up?

Well yesterday I had an
AirDrop request from you

and I assumed it was
for work, but then I-

Sorry, an AirDrop from me?

Yes, yes.

And before I take
this any further,

I thought I should
probably just check.

-Is this a vag*na?
-Christ!

Ange! Sorry, that was
actually for a client.

Yeah, we're dealing with some
highly sensitive imagery and...

Okay. A client? Right, well,

the protocol for sharing
digital imagery is pretty
strict.

Highly sensitive,

and Alex must have pressed
the wrong button.

[Ange] Right. I see.

Oh, good Lord.

We're doing a range
of digital forensics

on a range of genitalia and
Alex sent me some evidence.

It's all my fault.

Right.

So I should probably just
delete this shouldn't I?

-Yeah.
-Yes, yes.

Gosh they're big these days,
aren't they?

Sorry, what are?

Phone screens, because in my
day they were much smaller.

Yeah.

And this was quite confronting
and I got a shock.

They're massive now, yeah.

But I understand. Good, good.

Thank you.

Thank you Ange.

Good.

Thank you. Just delete it.

Sorry Ange for the vag*na.

So that was where
the AirDrop went?

Uh huh. You are the shittest
technology user in the world.

You sent your main bit to Ange.

She doesn't know it's mine.

Do you think she
knows it's mine?

[upbeat music]

Mum, did you know Nancy
makes her own hummus?

Really?

Yeah, she says that shop bought
stuff is full of preservatives.

You just need chickpeas.

I know how to make hummus,
Abby.

Then how come you never make
it?

I don't have time
to make hummus,

people who make their own
hummus have too much time

on their hands.

But it's so easy. It's just
chickpeas, and lemon juice-

I know how to make hummus Abby,

just because I don't
make hummus doesn't mean

I don't know how to make it.

How then?

Chickpeas, lemon juice,
olive oil, garlic, tahini.

And salt.

Lola, can you shut
the door please?

There's a draught
coming through.

A giraffe?

No, a draught.

Oh, phew.

Okay.

Oh damn.

Is it working?

No.

Well, you're not an electrician
Mum, Dad is an electrician.

No, but remember,

-You know everything.
-I know everything.

Exactly!

And I'm

amazing.

[Lauren claps]

That's just your opinion.

[the box explodes]

Fireworks, yes!

Ah, god.

[upbeat music]

[Lauren screams]

[fire extinguisher sprays]

Great.

[Jake] Thanks, darling.

Thanks for coming over.

It's a good job
safety Matt gave us

that fire extinguisher
last year.

He got me one for my
new place as well.

And some of that
off milk yogurt stuff.

-Mhmm.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I got it working,
and then-

But then it blew up.

I probably should have
finished wiring it

before I dropped it off.

Okay.

Wait, what's that?

Kefir.

Oh, well knock
yourself out darling.

Okay, I think we're ready.

Okay.

Turn it on.

[electronic noises]

-Light is on.
-Yes!

[robotic voice] Stop wasting
water. Stop wasting water.

Stop wasting water.
Stop wasting water.

Oh, is it stuck?

No it's supposed to.

That's what we want it to say.

So you can drop them back
tomorrow after the party, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

There was something
I wanted to tell you.

I'm seeing someone.

Yeah, Nancy. I'm aware.

Sorry. I won't take
the kids around there

if you don't want me to.

If you want to introduce them
to someone, that's your
decision.

Just don't take them
somewhere overnight

without telling me first, okay?

Right.

And the hair thing.

That's just a bit weird.

Yeah.

And I take it you're
seeing lots of someones?

Mhmm.

No one that needs
introducing.

Okay.

Do you want me to
reset your apple ID?

Nah, sweet as,
Nancy has done it.

[Jake] Hey.

-[Nancy] Oh hi.
-[Jake] Nancy, Lauren.

Lauren, Nancy.

Hello.

I didn't realise you
were here all this time.

Oh no, it's fine. I was
just sorting Jake's apps.

Oh, well, next time you must
come in and have a cup of tea.

Aww.

Hey, I was going to say,

you might want to check
your Snap settings.

It's just, it's really easy to
accidentally share something.

I didn't realise Jake had Snap.

Yeah, that was
obviously a mistake.

Yeah, no, I definitely
didn't deliberately send him-

I just wouldn't want the girls
to see your Mrs. Robinson.

Well, my girls see my
Mrs. Robinson quite a lot,

but no, I get your point.

Yeah just online, sort of.

Yeah, but they themselves
are not online,

but I get your point.

Thank you so much.
Nice to meet you.

-Bye bye.
-C'mon girls!

Watch your steps, darling.
Watch your steps, darling

-Hi girls.
-Bye Mum.

Bye-bye darling.

See ya.

Oh my gosh you look amazing.

Look at that.

-Alright.
-You look so good.

Are you going
to fit in the car?

Get in there, robot

[upbeat rock music]

Hi.

Yeah, Just wondering if
we're still on for tonight?

See you soon.

-[man moaning]
-[Lauren moaning]

You've been a bad girl
haven't you?

Yeah I have.
A very bad girl.

Yes officer.

Yes, yes officer
I've been a bad girl.

Hang on.

[man panting]

[Lauren groaning]

Oh god, you're so sexy.

Oh you're so dehydrated.

[both moaning]

-I want to c*m on your t*ts.
-Okay, okay.

[man] My weapon is...

..about to discharge...

[man] Ahh...

[Lauren screams]

[Lauren] Yeah, I know
who's d*ck it is.

[gentle music]