02x01 - Such Kept Girls

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

-Charlie! You've got your art show today, haven't you?
-Yeah, 2pm today.

I'm so nervous.

You should come.

I'll be there.

I wouldn't miss it.

CHARLIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Are you coming in?

OK.

JOSIE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

As artists, a question we
plague ourselves with is,

"Why me? Why now?"

"Why am I here?"

"And what gives me
the right to be here?"

Not me.

DOOR OPENS

- DEB: - Where is she?!

I knew we'd find you in here!

You're not even a student!

Embarrassing.

Up you get.

It's all right, everyone.

I'm her mother.

JOSIE, MUFFLED: Sorry.

Get in the bloody car!

JOSIE WHIMPERS

There we go. Right.

We're going to take the bag off
now, but you mustn't scream, OK?

What's happening?

This is the happiest
day of your life, Josie.

You did this to me before - when
you picked me up from school

and said we were going
for a catch-up in Costa,

but instead you dropped me at
the dentist and I had to get

five teeth removed.

What was I supposed to do?
You had too many teeth.

You knew this day was coming.

We did tell you.

It's been in the
calendar for months.

f*cking hell, that
does sound familiar.

Aw. I see you've inherited
your mother's gift

for blocking things out.

-Really?
-It's more of a cream.

I checked with the maid of
honour - she says it's fine.

The maid of honour is you.

And she's got great taste.

So has the mother of the bride.

THEY SQUEAL

It's all happening.

I've got Hector, my new
car, you've got a new man

and Josie's getting married.

I'm going to have
a panic attack.

Oh, what a shock.

Honestly, we all said
this would happen.

What?

Trust you to make this
whole day about yourself.

For once in your life, Josie,
this isn't actually about you.

Who IS it about, then?

Dev, obviously.

This wedding is all
he's talked about,

and it is extremely
important for him to see us

as the sort of women
men marry into,

instead of avoiding
in Morrisons.

But I don't want to get married.

Bridezilla alert.

You are getting married
today and that is final.

If you don't like it, you
can block it out later,

like I did with your father.

Remember the family crest
- ignore, repress, forget.

Eight months pregnant and I
couldn't even have a drink.

That's another
wedding you ruined.

-Sorry.
-Yeah, you should be.

Now shut up, have some prosecco

and try not to
poison this wedding

with your personality.

It's going to be a magical day.

It's going to be a magical day.

Really? Do you think so?

Promise?

Sorry, I'm a bit on edge.

SEB CHUCKLES

Do you mind if I
take my socks off?

I get hot feet when I'm nervous.

I think keep them on for now.

Yeah, OK.

I just need today to go well.

I've been working so hard to
pay for this perfect venue

fit for a princess and...

They don't tell you, but
weddings are really expensive.

Must be one of those

industry secrets or something.

SEB CHUCKLES

Thankfully, my work clothes
double as a wedding suit.

Hmm. Maybe I could
stand behind you.

CHUCKLES: - I'm so tired I could
have a breakdown right here.

But I can't let Josie down.

I know she's dreamed of this day
ever since she was a little girl.

I'd love to see
her face right now.

But we can't see each other
yet because that's bad luck.

You two don't need
luck. You're soulmates.

The real shame is I
can't see my own face

when I see her in the dress.

DEV CHUCKLES

But they say marriage
is about compromise.

DEV LAUGHS

I wanted to ask you
something, but...

...I don't know
how you'll react.

OK. Hit me.

Will you...?

{\an8}Sorry, I feel like I should be down
on one knee for this or something.

No.

Will you be my best man?

Good sir,

it would be my life's greatest
and most treasured honour.

Also, I assumed I already was
cos the wedding's in 40 minutes.

Quick stag do?

Right, yeah. Let's get crazy.

Um, shag, marry, k*ll
- Billie, Deb, Josie.

Don't you want to be
a kept woman, Josie?

No, thank you.

Well, you won't know you like
it until you've tried it.

There's nothing worse
than being single.

That's why I invited
your Auntie Wendy.

The pathetic spinster
of Christmas future.

I heard she gets a
smear test every week

just so someone has
to look at her vag*na.

That haggard old crone is here
to serve as a warning to you -

better dead than single.

-You like?
-You're here early.

Yeah, well, Mike used
to book all my travel,

but now I can take the
train any time I like.

Pure freedom.

Sounds lonely.

Call me lonely if you like,

but I'd choose that over
an admin headache any day.

Hey, Billie, you and me,
the singles table, eh?

Letting our hair down.

All the single ladies.

I have a boyfriend.

Are you using condoms with this
one or will we be adding any more

of your offspring to the
big nursery in the sky?

We're not having sex, actually.

He respects me too much.

We get really close and then
he kisses me on the cheek

and asks me to get
out of his car.

Such a gentleman.

I'm still sucking
him off, though.

That doesn't mean anything.

It's not a relationship
unless you're having sex.

And if he's not
having sex with you,

then he's definitely having
sex with someone else.

Honestly, all this sexual
politics sounds so exhausting.

That's why I'm single.

-WHISPERS: - Never been happier.
-Hmm.

You don't see a Pride
march for us, do you?

Yeah. I suspect you'd
struggle for numbers.

Just those selfish gays.

Weird, Josie, I always thought you
might be a little bit of a l*sbian.

Yeah, me too.

I can't prank call
them. That's my job.

Come on!

It's your stag do. It's
going to be so funny.

RINGING TONE

- OVER PHONE: - Hello,
Barfoot's Casino.

- BREATHY: - Hello.

I just wanted to say,

I think your casino stinks.

Seriously, I mean it.

I hate it and everyone in it.

All right, it's very funny.
Put the phone down now.

I have a bolt-action
sn*per r*fle

and I'm going to sh**t everyone.

I'm not kidding. I'm really
going to f*cking do it.

Dave behind the desk, George
the cleaner - everyone.

I've got blueprints to the
building and keys to the entrance.

All right, that's enough.

SEB LAUGHS

Absolutely hilarious.

What other laddy
things should we do?

-Prank the girls? Get a stripper?
-THEY CHUCKLE

Maybe I'll just jump
off the building.

SEB CACKLES

Sorry.

I'm very tired.

I think work is
getting to me a bit.

Working double shifts
to pay for this wedding.

But she only wants the best.

No. Girls aren't like that.

Trust me.

Deb never even
mentions weddings.

They're not materialistic.

Josie loves you for you.

For richer or poorer.

Wow.

That's great. Maybe I
should put that in my vows.

I think it might
already be in there.

Oh, my God. You're right.

You really ARE the best man.

f*cking hell! If you're
not going to cooperate,

you're going to walk down the
aisle with a f*cking tit out!

BILLIE SIGHS

PHONE BUZZES

Well, you have to get married
now cos Graham's coming.

I'm going to have sex with him.

So snap the f*ck out of it.

JOSIE GASPS

BREATHES RAGGEDLY

Sorry. Here I am.

Mum said it's not a relationship
if we're not having sex,

and I refuse to be Wendy.

Mum says she only shaves one leg
so when she sleeps on her side

she can pretend a
man is spooning her.

I have to f*ck Graham.

But where are you
going to do it?

Your honeymoon room.

On my wedding day?

Someone should have
sex in there, Josie.

Why are you so desperate
to leave, anyway?

Because I've got a
girlfriend - Charlie.

She's got an art show at two
and I promised I'd be there.

She's definitely
the one this time.

If you want to go, then just go,

but I personally don't
think you have it in you.

I'm different now -
stronger and braver.

I'm not going to let everyone
push me around this time.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to run away.

Wow, isn't that a
handsome young man?

WENDY CHUCKLES

Last day of freedom, eh? Oof!

I don't envy you on
that one. I love it.

Oh, no booze for me,
thanks. I'm off it.

Never felt better. Much clearer
head now to enjoy my own company.

Are we starting soon? I've
got a smear test at 12.

SEB CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

How's it all going in there?

Bet Josie's sick of all this
princess treatment by now.

Absolutely not. The opposite.

Josie seems very excited
about being a kept woman.

Obsessed, even.

WENDY CHUCKLES SOFTLY

It's all they're
talking about in there.

- WHISPERS: - Not
for me, thanks.

Well... d-don't you worry.

You can take my word
as a solemn promise -

Josie is going to be the
most kept woman in England.

I'm a working man.

PHONE BUZZES

Sorry. I've got to take this.

My boss.

SEB CHUCKLES

Hello?

Now, uh, Deb, when
I give Josie away,

which way should I walk?

Uh... probably
straight down, yeah?

Right. Yes.

Sorry. Straight down. Obviously.

Will you help me practise?

I'd love to.

THEY CHUCKLE

Looks a bit like you and I are
getting married, doesn't it?

THEY CHUCKLE

Imagine.

Weddings can cause such
big feelings, can't they?

So romantic.

Does it make you
think about anything?

Like the future?

Hmm. Yeah.

It makes me think maybe

I couldn't get married.

Wouldn't want to.

It's all too raw
for me and Lisa.

I don't know if I could
do that to myself,

but... you've always been so
understanding of that, Deb,

because you're so sensitive.

DEV MOANS SOFTLY

DEV CONTINUES MOANING

Fired?

No. It was my stag do.

The groom is supposed
to be a massive laugh.

You can't do this. I'm
your best croupier.

It's my wedding day!

What? Effective immediately?

Oh, God.

ENGINE STARTS

Um, Josie, I don't know what
you think you just heard,

but it's not what you think.

Josie! No! No!

It's locked, Seb.

We're not supposed
to see each other!

Gah!

THUD

SEB GRUNTS

What are you doing? Seb, please.

-Seb, I can't see.
-It's bad luck on our wedding day.

SEB GRUNTS

Ah, my vows, my vows! My vows.

Oh. Please don't run away.

SEB PANTS

E-Everything is fine.

In fact, I've just been
promoted, effective immediately.

You will be a kept
woman, I promise.

I don't want to be a kept woman!

Oh, you don't need to put on
an act for me. I know my wife.

Oh, I'm so sad I can't
see my own face right now.

That's funny.

I thought seeing each other on
our wedding day would be bad luck.

SEB CHUCKLES

Right.

Let's get married.

Get off!

SEB BELLOWS

DOOR OPENS

Change your mind?

I total led it. Hector's dead.

Should we even bother
with the wedding

or just go straight
to your funeral?

I think I lost a tooth.

The dentist did say
you had too many.

I'm supposed to be admiring
Charlie's pottery in two hours.

You know, the more you resist your
fate, the longer it will take.

What do you mean?

Well, it's 12 now - you
could be out the door by one

if you stop being such
a f*cking bridezilla.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just two
words, isn't it?

Totally. You'll be scissoring
next to ceramics by two.

"I do." How long
did that take me?

Tight vows, dry kiss, Bob's
your uncle, Seb's your husband.

-Over and done with, married forever.
-Till death do you part.

-Ooh.
-Yeah. Best not to think about that bit.

Right. Where the f*ck's Graham?

Why haven't you
had sex with him?

Don't know.

He's a gentleman.

He's really mature for
his age, a grown-up man.

BILLIE GASPS

There he is!

My man.

Primed and ready to be carved.

f*cking hell, Billie,
how old is he?

Not sure.

So hard to tell with
older men, isn't it?

I think he's
probably like... 70,

but he could be a 50-year-old
that's really tired.

Oh, my God. Do you
even fancy him?

I fancy how lucky he must feel.

I fancy how I must look
through his bifocals.

He can't believe his luck.

I'm fresh p*ssy,
hot from the oven.

This is disgusting.

Love is love, Josie.

He's honestly so
grateful to be with me,

it's like he's a competition
winner and the prize is me.

Right, wish me luck. I'm off
to pop this old man's cherry.

Ugh.

You didn't hide your number?

I didn't think I had to.
I used a silly voice.

All right, now, Josie
loves you for you.

She doesn't care that
you've lost your job.

She tried to run away.

She's nervous, like you.

Remember, for richer or poorer.

What's that now? What's
happened to your face?

Oh, Deb, just in time.

A slight case of
wedding nerves here.

Oh, darling, there's absolutely
no reason to be nervous.

You've got your job, you've
got your life together -

you're providing,
and that is enough.

But also, Seb, remember,

for richer or poorer.

Yeah, I did try and
get that bit taken out,

but apparently it's
pretty standard.

{\an8}I need to take my socks off,

{\an8}right f*cking now.

Shall I lock the door or
just... leave it open?

What the hell -

maybe that's part of it.

GRAHAM CHUCKLES

No, I better lock it.

- LOCK CLICKS - You must
be so turned on by this.

BILLIE LAUGHS BREATHILY

Oh, you like that?

You like my little young tit?

-Oh, God, you're obsessed with me.
-GRAHAM EXHALES

Whoa, Nelly! What
are you doing there?

I thought we could take
things to the next level.

You and me - sex.

I know my youthful body
must be really intimidating

and there's a lot of pressure

on getting everything
you've ever wanted,

but it's time to step up.

-I don't know.
-Take your pants off.

-I'd rather not.
-Take them off.

-No.
-It's OK if you're a virgin.

I'm not a virgin.

So there's someone else?

Yes. I-I'm married.

-Like, seriously?
-Seriously. I did tell you.

I thought you were just saying
that, like me saying I'm 15.

Sorry.

So, is she at least ugly?

And old? And stupid?

She's a neurosurgeon.

f*ck. An ugly, old neurosurgeon.

And that's why
you won't f*ck me?

I-I'll be honest.

I'm not the kind of
man that has an affair.

This isn't me. It's just...

...I'm under appreciated,
stuck at home doing the chores,

and all so that she can
focus on her career.

She has no idea how
exhausting that is for me.

I can't believe it.

You're married.

I'm not your sloppy seconds -

I'm the whole f*cking buffet!

I-It's locked.

Phew!

Glad this isn't
me. Oh, yes, sir.

WENDY CHUCKLES

I've never been happier since
becoming self-partnered.

Well, I still want
to get married.

I don't know how you
haven't been put off,

given what happened
with the last one.

Dev's different. He's
not going to leave me.

I'm going to marry him.

Oh, he's asked you, has he?

Not yet, but it's coming.

Just this morning, he was
saying how much he wanted to.

Yeah, well, that's
what they all say.

You need to stop relying on men.

They only let you down.

Dev is a wonderful,
brave, reliable man.

And he's going to
step up. You'll see.

Deb, I've lost Seb.

-You've what?
-Yeah, I've lost him.

No, you haven't.

Well, I-I think he
just got a bit nervous.

And, well, one minute we were
having the stag do of our lives

and then, the next
thing I know, he's gone.

You haven't lost him. You're
going to go and find him,

and you're not going to come
back until you've got him.

Absolutely, got you.

I haven't lost him.

-You look radiant.
-Really?

I've lost a tooth.

Well, you've got plenty more.

OK, well, let's get
this show on the road!

I'm going to break this to you
gently, as only a mother can.

We've lost Seb. He's legged it.

I suspect the reality of
spending forever with you

has hit him like a sledgehammer.

Oh, no. What a shame.

Guess the wedding's
off. See ya.

No, listen. You
need to marry him.

Why? Why is it so important
that I get married?

Don't I deserve to
get married for love?

Don't make me laugh, Josie.

If I wanted an ab workout,

I'd have asked for another free
trial session at David Lloyd.

We need to prove we're
women men marry into.

We need Dev's massive house, OK?

So it's all about
the money, is it?

Yes. I've spent the
last of our savings.

On what?

Hector, my pride
and joy outside.

This family needs a car.

You try coming home with
the weekly shop dangling

from the handlebars
of Billie's scooter.

Honestly, things are
pretty dire, Josie.

Hector is the one thing holding
my life together at the moment.

He's our saving
grace, a miracle.

-Well, we'd better go find Seb, then.
-Good girl.

What are you up to
out here, then, mate?

You want to come back inside?

I've got cold feet!

Well, put your socks back on!

I'm so ashamed.

She's a princess who
deserves a prince.

I'm just a pathetic worm who
can't even provide for her.

You'll get another job.

Those women in there need us!

They are delicate angels

and we cannot break their
fragile little hearts!

Seb, get back inside, now!

You're getting married
in ten f*cking minutes!

Look at that face!

Open your eyes! Are you
going to keep her waiting?!

She's your soulmate!

Josie, my angel...

...I've been lying to you!

I haven't been promoted,
effective immediately -

I was fired in disgrace.

And I know how much you
want to be a kept woman!

I don't want to be a kept woman!

Yes, she bloody does!

Trust me, I don't! Just
get back inside, Seb!

Do you promise to love me
in sickness and in health?

-Save it for the altar!
-For richer or for poorer?!

Richer, please.

Say you love me.

I love you.

And I'm the best
sex you've ever had.

You're the best
sex I've ever had.

I knew you'd understand, baby.

We don't need money when
we've got each other.

We don't need anything!

Or I could get you an
interview at my work.

I think they're hiring.

Yep. OK, well, I'll do that!

My princess shall
have her prince!

Sorry, everyone!

- Here I am. DEB: - Aw.

SEB CHUCKLES

Just got a bit scared.

Gosh, weddings are quite
stressful, aren't they?

That's another industry secret they
don't tell you about. JOSIE: - Mm-hm.

Seb, darling, it IS scary.

But we can't let scary things
stop us from doing what's right.

Getting married is the
bravest thing you can do.

Deb, you are so poetic...

Right, shut the
f*ck up, everyone!

Wedding's back on
in five minutes.

Right, I'd better
get in position.

Josie, I'd just like to say
I've never felt so excited

to give someone away.

Uh, Deb, would you give me away?

Oh, darling, boys
don't get given away.

Oh. That is... it's very sexist.

I'll do it.

Deb, you know your daughter
better than anyone,

it should be you
that gives her away.

It's all I've ever wanted
to do since she was born.

It's over.

He's married.

I'm not ready to be single.

Well, I love being single.

Honestly, being cheated
on was the best thing

that ever happened to me.

It's made me realise
my true path.

I'm actually really grateful
to him, and her, for doing it.

If I saw her, I'd
say, "Thank you."

"Thank you for giving
me my life back."

-Really?
-Absolutely.

I'm doing so much
more stuff now.

I've got my routine.

I'm listening to
podcasts all the time,

I'm cooking more, I go
to the gym every day.

I've actually packed so much in

I barely notice I'm by myself.

I am so happy.

Wow. Thank you.

-You're so inspiring.
-Oh, really?

Yep.

WENDY CHUCKLES

I'm going to go get my
man before it's too late.

You know, it's weird.

Josie usually does all those things
when she's really, really depressed.

Yes, I'm sorry.

I'll be home soon.

So sorry.

Took all day to get the
good fabric softener.

Had to go to big Tesco.

GRAHAM CHUCKLES

Please don't be angry.

Graham, wait. Don't go.

I've decided. You're a
neglected old house husband

and it's time to get yours.

Are you a man or are you
a frigid little loser

with a little limp d*ck?

I-I'm a man.

Exactly. You owe
this to yourself.

Take back what you deserve.

You've been castrated by
an ugly old neurosurgeon,

but not any more.
We're doing this.

We're having a f*cking affair.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

-Ask me, then.
-Ask you what?

Get down on one knee and ask
me to be the other woman.

Billie, will you...?

Will you be my mistress?

Honestly, your wife is going
to be so grateful for this.

Deb, I've been thinking
about what you said.

Marriage IS scary.

We both lost someone, but
then we both found someone,

and that should be celebrated.

So... I think marriage IS something
I might be open to - at some point.

What, like right now?

-Well...
-Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

DEB GIGGLES

OK, then!

DEB MOANS

You're right. The
bravest thing you can do

is marry into this family.

You're so romantic.

I think Lisa's looking down
on us and smiling right now.

Do you think Spencer's
smiling up there, too?

He's f*cking thrilled.

I said yes, by the way.

I said yes to being a mistress.

I'm so proud of you.

We've nailed this. We're on
time. You're going to get married

and then go to your secret
girlfriend's art show.

And you're going to be the sexy
other woman to an elderly man.

BILLIE EXHALES

What's hotter than being

his woman? Being
the other woman.

It's great cos you're not
the one getting cheated on.

There's nothing wrong with
having an affair, right?

I honestly think it might be the
most feminist thing you can do.

You know, 50% of
marriages end in divorce.

I like those odds.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

What, Josie?

No. Deb.

It all fades, you know.

Love dies.

Marriages don't last.

That's not true.

All this time, I
thought I was happy,

but I just realised...

WHISPERS: - ..I got that
wrong and I'm miserable.

All the men in this
family leave us.

Bet you'll do a runner,
too, just like her father.

Well, that doesn't
feel very fair.

Spencer passed away.

What?

No, he's not dead.

WENDY SCOFFS

They just wish he was.

Took one look at a future with
them and ran for the hills.

And he was right to.

This family are unlovable.

Terminal spinsters,
the lot of us.

Unless you'd like to go
for a drink sometime.

No?

Right. Well...

...I suppose that
proves my point.

Great turnout.

SEB CHUCKLES

We're so lucky.

It's your turn next, I promise.

And thanks for the job.

I almost feel sorry
for the casino.

They've just lost the
best croupier in Crawley.

Hmm.

Oh, these are in
the wrong order.

Good thing I know
how to shuffle.

SEB GRUNTS

SEB MUTTERS

-It's a bit big.
-Yeah, well, that's not my fault.

You were a big baby.

DEB EXHALES

I am so proud of you.

I have never been so happy.

-Really?
-Yep.

Excellent. In which
case, Hector's dead.

Floored him into a
lamppost. Absolutely f*cked.

Complete write-off. Rest in
peace. BRIDAL CHORUS STARTS

Let's go have the happiest
day of our lives, shall we?