02x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

[BABY GURGLES, CHUCKLES]

- Oh my God, you look so sweet!

So sweet. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, babe...

You— You do want to do this, right?

Cos— Like, if you don't want to,
we— we definitely don't have to—
- No, I do. I so do.

- SOFTLY: Yeah. Me too.
[BOTH EXHALE]

- Just the four of us.
- Yeah. We got this.

- WHISPERS: We got this.

Oooh!

- How long till we have to
be at the thing?

- Um... no later than 10.

- Oh sh*t.
OK, we'd better hustle, then.

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- Oh.

- Oh.
- Yeah, I put on one of your suits
cos I— I didn't have anything,

and I thought, 'Wedding!' So...
- Oh. Yeah. Yeah, no, you—
you look amazing.

It really, really suits you,
but, um— yeah, I think we both
look like real estate agents.

Um...
- We should change.

- Let's change. We'll just change.
- Yeah.

- Shut that quietly, so—
- Yeah.

- Where are you four
running away to?
- Oh. Oh!

- Hey.
- Mummy! Hello, you.

- Hello.
- Uh, we— um... we're just off...

to the zoo—
- Yeah.

- ...for the day.
- Yeah.

- The zoo?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- I mean, we would have invited you —
we just thought, you know,

caged animals weren't your thing —
you're more of a free animal.
- [SNAPS FINGERS] Shut up.

- Aren't they a bit young
to be watching gibbons
flinging their sh*t about?

- No, we— we love the zoo.
We're going because we—

- It's for us.
- ...adore it.
- Yeah.

- That's a nice dress.

- She looks lovely.
- Thank you. Thanks for— for that.

Well, you know, you— you have to—
One must dress for the zoo, so...

- Yeah.
- ...we— we have done so.

- Anyway, we should probably—
- We should go.

- But next time,
you should come, cos you will—
- So, um... Oh yeah.

We'd love you to— to see the...
- Yeah. You should expand
your horizons.

- ...giraffes, so...
- Animals are delightful.

- Bye! Tooroo!

- [CHUCKLES]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[CAR STARTS, ENGINE RUMBLES]

- Hmm.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

WHISPERS: Right.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES]

[TOY SQUEAKS]
- [EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES]

[GASPS]

[EXCLAIMS]

Those cunning little lesbians.

- I'm coming! I'm coming!

Oh my God, I'm coming!

Oh, Shelley!

Lovely fascinator.
- Rosie.

Daughter emergency.
- What's wrong?

- Nat and Steph are getting
married today. Without us.

- [GASPS] An elopement?
- Precisely.

- Those cunning little lesbians.

- They tried sneaking off this
morning. Nat was in a formal short —
calves on full display.

- [GASPS] Oh my God! They're
going to casually tie the knot.
It's every mother's worst nightmare.

- There is no way I am letting them
rob us of our special day.

- Come in. I'll throw something on.
Can you rally the troops?
- Mm-hm.

- We need the whole family there.
- On it.

- Oh wow.
- Oh.

- It's beautiful.
- Yeah. It's amazing.

- [CHUCKLES]

- I mean, it's not as bad
as it looks on the website.

- No, no. Definitely not.
The orange tiles are... are a vibe.

[CHUCKLES]

- You still keen?

- Yeah.

This feels perfect.
Just the four of us.

- Yeah. I mean, it could be...
could be just the four of us
in Bali, though.

- Oh. No. The humidity—
- Your hair.

- ...with my hair would be...
- Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH]

[IMITATES expl*si*n]
- Boof. Yeah.
- I would ruin the photos.

- I'm just saying, you know, um...

I can wait.

- I don't want to wait.

I want to marry you today.
In fact, right now.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Nat and Steph?
- [GASPS] That is us. Hello.
- Yeah. Hello.

- Yeah, sorry — you could not
have come on a worse morning.

Do you mind if I push you to,
kind of, 10.30, 11?

Gotta wrap up my 9.30, and then
I'm dying for a scone and coffee.

- Oh.
- Right.
- Yeah?

- There's... someone else
in there, or...?

- Oh yeah. They're just doing
their vows. They're fine.

Honestly, I don't normally moan to
clients, but usually Diane's in here
and we tag in and out of ceremonies.

Anyway, she's off with COVID.
You know what that means?
Hit the bottle.

And so I'm kind of doing these
back-to-back.

- Oh, that— that's OK. We're— we're
happy to wait. There's no rush.
- Yeah.

- God, I love lesbians.
Thank you so much. All right.

f*ck, he's finished already.
I guess, short and sweet? Congrats!

- [LAUGHS]

- I really feel like a scone now.
- I do too. I'm so glad
you said that.

- I'll go and get us a scone.
- Yeah. Thank you.

- SHELLEY: Respect their privacy?
Are you out of your mind?

Rosie!

It's your only daughter's
wedding day today, Malcolm,
for God's sake.

Here. Try that.

- Well, I think it could be
just the thing for you four
to patch things up.

It would just feel— No.

It would just feel empty
without you and Johnny there.

- I'll see if I can get Ted
to lend you a tie.

We're going to go semi-formal.

Steph looked like she was dressed
for the mall, and I don't want to
upstage her.

- I'll leave the Johnny-wrangling
to you, then, shall I?

I just think it would be
really lovely for the boys

to be able to look back on this day
and see that everybody was there.

- Rosie, we should get going.
- WHISPERS: Yes, yes.

- It's at the registry office
in town. If you get there
before we do, stop them!

- Oh, I don't know, Lily.
Just work your magic.

- [SIGHS] Oh.
Where are my f*cking keys?

Oh. In my bag.

- They're getting married!
Nat and Steph.

- Good for them, I guess.
- Yeah, they— they were
trying to elope,

but Rosie and Shelley are totally
on to them, so they want us there.

- Who, Nat and Steph?
- Well, Rosie and Shelley,

but yeah, I mean,
Nat and Steph will want us there

when they realise their elopement
is about to be mum-bombed.

- Hmm.

You gonna go?

- Well...

I mean, I figure it's better to go
than not go, right?

And just now I've realised what
I'm gonna wear, and it's perfect.

So... [INHALES]

are you gonna come?

- [SUCKS TEETH] Nah. I can't.

- Johnny.

I don't want to say that I think
you're making a big mistake and
you're gonna regret it, but...

I think you're making a big mistake,
and you're gonna regret it.
- [SCOFFS]

WHISPERS: They don't want me there.
So... [INHALES, EXHALES]

- How about you drop me off?
Just wait in the car,
just hang at the back.

- WHISPERS: Nah. I can't.

[WISTFUL MUSIC]

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

- Hey.
[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, congratulations.

You look so beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Here you go.

- Oh! [LAUGHS] Thank you.
Got the bouquet.
- [LAUGHS]

Are you crying?
- Oh, they just look so happy.

- Oh, thank God that one's over.
[MOCK-YAWNS]

- OK. Nat, Steph — you guys
can go in and get settled in —
I'm gonna head off and get a scone.

Desperately needed after that one,
you know,

cos sometimes you just know
they're not in it for the long haul.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Give it six months.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

- This way, Rosie.
- Do you know where we're going?

- No, I have no idea,
but this looks promising over here.

- Oh! Beautiful atrium.

[GASPS] Wait, wait, wait!

- Kind of looks like
an old whisky bar.
- Yeah.

Or a room in the Titanic.
- Yeah.

- Stop this wedding!
- Oh!
- sh*t.

- Oh f*ck.

- God. I've always
wanted to say that.

- What are you doing here?
- We could say the same thing.

Getting married without inviting
your mothers. The nerve!

- How did you even
find out about this?
- Yeah.

- Mother's intuition.
- I went through your
personal belongings.

- Oh, Mum!

[STAMMERS] Look, this isn't
what it looks like.

This...
This isn't a wedding wedding.

- Precisely!

- Oh, Mum. Don't get upset, OK?

We can explain. We just—
- The only thing that's got me
through your years of bullshit, Nat,

was the hope that one day
I'd be able to attend
a chic little l*sbian wedding!

- In a barn.
- And you're gonna rob us of that!

- This is exactly why
we didn't tell anyone.

We're not not inviting you —
we're not inviting anyone.

This is just something
that we wanted to do for us
and for the boys.

- Well, tough sh*t! We're here.

Your fathers
are on their way as well.

Eh? [CHUCKLES]
- Oh God. Rosie —
it's worse than I thought.

There are flags in the room.

[GAGS]

- What?!
- But I haven't even had time
to prepare my speech.

- Dad, that is the point, OK?
- Yeah, we don't want speeches
or anything.

- But I've already written a poem!

- OK, fine, Rosie — you can read the
poem, but that's it. Nothing else.
- MALCOLM: Hang on.

Surely our side of the family
should be represented as well.

- SHELLEY: [SCOFFS] I don't need
you speaking for me, Malcolm.

- Like I said,
we don't want any speeches.

- I'm just saying —
we could both speak.
- Oh, well, that's fine.

- In that case, you should
say something as well, Ted.

- I'll call my sister on the phone
and she can sing that song

that she sang at our wedding
over speakerphone.
- Dad. No. No.

No cousins, no aunties.
There's six seats in here.

- OK, you four, but that is it.

That's the limit. No more.
- Shh-shh-shh.
[GRIZZLES]

- [EXCLAIMS]
- Oh. Whole family's here now, eh?
That'll be extra.

- Well, yeah, it wasn't really
part of the plan, but...

- ROSIE: Any chance we could
hold off for an hour or so?
Few more people we're waiting on.

- Well, I've got another one
in an hour from now,

so you could try and swap with
someone. Otherwise, I can't help ya.

- Yes, but you're already running
late. What's a few more minutes
between nuptials and forever amens?

- THROUGH FOOD: I don't like your
attitude. This is civil service.
- [SHUSHES BABY]

- Excuse me!
- Oh, excuse you [!]
- Talking about attitude...

- Have you told him about this?
Does he know?

- No, he doesn't know. No one knows.
That's the whole point of it.

Look, he hasn't spoken to us
since we moved out.

- Yeah, he... he doesn't want
any communication, so we're
trying to respect it.

- If this is as much for the boys
as it is for you two, then Johnny
needs to be here.

- We could try and call Lily.
- Already have.

- You called her?
- Of course.

- Mum!
- She's— She's coming?

- Oh my God.
- Yes!

- [SIGHS]

- Yeah. We— [STAMMERS] Yeah.
- SIGHS: OK. OK.

- Hey. You OK?

[PHONE BUZZES]

[WISTFUL MUSIC]

[PHONE BUZZES]

[PHONE BUZZES]

[PHONE BUZZES]

- Stop this wedding!

- I've already said that.
- [SIGHS] Damn it!

- Lily, Lily...
OK, look, this is just honestly
a spontaneous little thing

that we were going to do—
- It's not— They weren't
supposed to be here—

- It's my one and only chance
to be a maid of honour,

and it's like now I don't
even get the free hair trial
or the free make-up trial.

He's not coming.

- Yeah, well, we... we tried
calling him, but he's just
not answering his phone.

- Did you try a skywriter,
a flash mob, an ambush?

- He— he doesn't want to see us
at the moment, Lily, so...

- Coward. Cowards! Both of you.

Come on, guys, this is Johnny.

Our Johnny.

The Johnny that'll watch a movie
with you, even if he's already
seen it.

He fixes all your things,
picks you up, gives you lifts.

He shops individually for all of our
tampons. He knows all of our flows.

Regular. Super.

OK, I don't even know.

And you b*tches broke him.

You know? But it's still there. It's
still there for him. I know it is.

He loves us. He loves you guys.

He f*ck' loves those boys.

[WISTFUL MUSIC SWELLS]

I mean, family is the most
important thing to Johnny.

- All right. Chop-chop.
Let's get this thing going, eh?

- Yeah. Yes.
- [STAMMERS]
- Yeah?

Cool.
- Yeah.
- OK.

- OK, great.
- Yeah.

Well... everyone sit down, I guess.
- SIGHS: Yeah.

[WISTFUL SYNTH MUSIC]

- Sorry — can you not throw
the petals? It's office policy.

[WISTFUL SYNTH MUSIC]

[WISTFUL SYNTH MUSIC SWELLS]

BOTH: Stop this wedding.
- f*ck's sake!

- We— We have to go.
- Yeah. We have to go.

Uh— Mum, can you look after
the boys? We'll be back soon.
- Yeah. We'll be back soon.

- Steph.
- Um... but I've only paid
for an hour's parking!

[URGENT KNOCKING ON GLASS]

- John—
BOTH: Johnny!

- Hey.

[INHALES, EXHALES]

We have not done right
by you, Johnny.

We, um... are always saying
that we want you to be involved,

but we've never actually talked
about what that actually looks like,

and we haven't even asked you
what you want.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]

Um... [CLICKS TONGUE]

[EXHALES SHAKILY] I...

I just don't really know...

how I fit in all this.

- Mm.

- Like, who I am to them —
you know, to the boys, and...

I don't know what...

[SIGHS]
well, what they would call me.
I don't know what to call myself.

- Mm.

Yeah, and, like, that's not...

that's not your fault. Like, that's—
- Our fault.

- Our fault. That's, like, something
we all should have thought about.

And...

like...

you know,

we need to work that out.

- You are a part of this.

Of— of us.

And we're so, so lucky that you are.

TEARFULLY: And the boys

are so lucky that you are.

[TENDER MUSIC]

So lucky. There's just no one better
than you to be in their lives.

So...

we would really like to know...

[TENDER PIANO MUSIC]

...what you would like, and...

you can write it

on this very official nappy.
- [LAUGHS]

Just tell us.

Tell us how you want it to be.
- Yeah.

- This is...

an amendment
to a previous agreement...
- Mm-hm.

- ...that should have included you.
- Yeah.

- I just want you to allow me to...

just feel like it's OK to feel...

what I do towards the boys,

and...

to allow me to love them properly.

- CHUCKLES TEARFULLY: Yeah.

- Yeah. Cos I do love those boys.

- [SNIFFLES]
- WHISPERS: Course.

Course.

- Yep.

Yes. Yes, yes.

We can definitely do that.

- OK. Cool.

Do I have to write all that down?
- CHUCKLES: Yeah— No, just
do the b*llet points.

- OK.
[OTHERS LAUGH]

[CYNDI LAUPER'S
'ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT']

[GURGLES]

- ♪ All through the night,

♪ I'll be awake

♪ and I'll be with you.

♪ All through the night,

♪ this precious time...

- Nat, we'll begin with you.

- ♪ ... when time is new.

♪ Oh,

♪ all through the night today...

- By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you bride and bride.

You may kiss the brides.
[BOTH LAUGH]

Cheek or lips is fine.

- ♪ We have no past,

♪ we won't reach back.

♪ Keep with me,
forward all through the night.

♪ And once we start,

♪ the meter clicks,

♪ and it goes running
all through the night.

♪ Until it ends,

♪ there is no end.

♪ All through the night,

♪ stray cat is crying,

♪ so stray cat sings back.

♪ All through the night.

♪ They have forgotten

♪ what by day they lack.

♪ Oh,

♪ under those white streetlamps...

- What we need to do is, like...
get a patch of land

and then, like, we build a tiny home,
you guys build a tiny home, and then
we're all living in tiny homes.

- Oh my God, tiny homes. Why does
everybody want a tiny home?

I hate it. You're sleeping
in the mezzanine —

It's like, 'Morning.' Blll!
It's like you're in a coffin.
[OTHERS LAUGH]

- Could we do, like,
an inner-city commune,

so then I wouldn't have to
commute to work? If it can be
central city, I'm all in.

- You know what?
Anything for my wife.

- Ooh, yass.
- Anything for the old
ball and chain.

Gotta keep her in the lifestyle,
know what I mean?
- Happy wife, happy life,

as they say. [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah, or you guys could, like,
just buy in here.

- Mm? Are you selling?

- No. It's just...

Well, you know, it's always been
my plan to buy Mum and Dad
out of their 70% of this place,

and... I don't know, maybe there's a
way that you guys could buy in a bit
or something. I don't know.

- That— that's, like, such
a bad idea for you, Lily.
- Nah. That's crazy.

- Like—
- Yeah. Come on. Think about it.
- Why— why would you offer us that?

- That's stupid.
- Yeah, I'm just saying — maybe
it would help you guys out, and...

maybe I don't like the idea
that much of you guys moving out.

- Are you serious?

- Oh— you know what? f*ck youse.
Actually, the offer's off the table.

- No, no. No!
- No, no.
- I'm trying to be—

I'm trying to offer something up,
and you're all, like, 'No way!'
- I thought you were joking!

I try and do one nice thing,
and see — that's why I don't do
nice things,

cos my voice goes all shaky,
and I get all vulnerable,
and you guys just tease me!

- Are you actually serious?
Like, you're seriously serious?

Cos the— the boys are only gonna
get louder and take up more space
than they do now.

- Every day they find
new ways of torturing us.
- Yeah, that's true.

And by the time they're toddlers,
like, everyone's done for.

- We could subdivide the house.

- Two houses?
- Yeah, but under one roof.

We could put a wall in the middle,
add a... add a kitchen,
add a bathroom.

- No...
- I really— [STAMMERS]

- That sounds like a lot of work.
- I— Yeah, I—
- I don't know — to do a reno,

I'd probably want to break up
with everyone, but...
- What?!

- We'd actually have to build it,
you know, and there's so much legal
stuff, so many permits to...

- So many hoops
to go through, you know?
- ... sort out. Yeah.

- Mm.

I mean, Johnny is a builder.
- Yeah.

- Steph is a lawyer.

- Yeah.

- SOFTLY: Yes, I am.

[THE BETHS' 'HEAD IN THE CLOUDS']

- Right. I've got it.
- Let's get it out now.

[CHATTER]

- ♪ I could be on my knees,

♪ giving it my best defence,

[IMITATES GLASS SQUEAKING]

- ♪ ...praying for it not to end.

♪ If it went differently,

♪ we could be the finest friends,

♪ faithful in the realest sense...

- We're doing it?
- Yeah. Shall we do it?
- Shall we do this, eh?

- Should we...
- ...shake on it?
- Yeah.

- [EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHTER]

- ♪ ...try to see God,

♪ but he isn't at work.

♪ Will you come down,

♪ come down,

♪ come down to earth. ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh.

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh. ♪