02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

- Yesterday was tough.

Like...

all I wanted was an hour to myself.

Just so I could scroll Instagram
and watch videos of influencers,
like, organising their pantries.

- Huh.
- Oh my God, yes.

- But then Chris... [CLEARS THROAT]
comes home from the firm late.

- Ugh.
- Ew.

- And he— he says to me,

'I'm tired.'
- Oh. Nah. Absolutely not.
- Nah. Not a good move.

- He goes, 'I'm working full-time.'

- b*stard.
- Yeah. Sorry. Like, this
is not a full-time job [?]

- Exactly!
- Yeah.
- It definitely is.

- And in that moment,

I thought of
every single possible way

that I could k*ll him.

- [CHUCKLES]
- What?

- You know, poison would be good.
Did you guys know that baby-bottle
cleaner is actually super toxic?

- No, no, no. No.
Hit him with your car.

- Ooh, yes.
- OK. Yeah, that could work.

You could say
there's something wrong with it,
he goes to have a look... boom!

- Yeah, or just, like,
back over him in the driveway
when he's checking the mail.

- OK. That could work.
- I mean, I could blame it
on baby brain.

I heard that stands up in court,
especially if you have
a female judge.

- Oh, absolutely.
- You know? Yeah,
I'd k*ll him in his sleep.

Mm. Yeah. Strangle him with muslin.

- You see, I thought
you could, like, choke him,

and then stage it as sort of
an auto-erotic asphyxiation.

- Ooh, hot. Yeah, that's good.
- Yeah. Yeah. Creative.
- Humiliate and m*rder him.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. He's freaky.

- I just think about
exploding too...

[GRIEG'S PEER GYNT SUITE No. 1,
'IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING']

- My God. That was, like,
Murderers Anonymous in there.
- [SIGHS]

- Except not even anonymous—
- Yeah.
- ...just, like, fully fine

with being accountable for
their husbands' murders.

- Yeah. I... I never want to see
those women again.

- Hi-eee!
- Oh, Holly! Hi!

Hi— Oh! h*...

- Hey. I just wanted to say —
- [CHUCKLES]

- ...it was so lovely
to have you both in there today.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

- We really had a time—

- Mm.
- ...so thank you for that. Yeah.
- Yeah. So special, right?

You know, we actually had a couple
of g*y dads in once, but you l*sbian
mums are quite different.

So serious. [LAUGHS]

Hey, look, I just wanted to say...
that I get it.

Cos you see, um...

Jess and I, we actually...

we hooked up once
when we'd had too much Bernadino
at a Grammar party, so...

Mm. You know what I'm saying?

- Oh, you mean, like, you get this?
- Yah. Big time.

- Uh... [STAMMERS] Yeah, no. No, no.
This is something quite different
to that. Yeah.

- Or is it?
- It is.

- Is it, though?
BOTH: Mm-hm.

- I don't know. Agree to disagree.

Ooh! Hey, um— just wondering
if you guys could settle
a little argument for us.

Me and the girls were just
discussing— you know, with
feeding and the babies —

do you feed each other's —
like, do you swap, or do you just
feed your own one?

- Oh— no, no. They're—
They're both our babies, so we—
we feed both of them.

- No, I know, I know, I know.
- Yeah.

- But you're more of the masc one,
though, right?

- Sorry?
- Like, you're the dad.

- Uh... no, I'm the mum.

- She's their mum. Yeah.
- [LAUGHS] What? No.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You misunderstood me.
I just meant because you present
more masc, like, you're the dad.

- Yeah, I think that's
the thing about, um...

like, making your very cis kind of
hetero assumptions about people—
- Holly, we— We're gonna go.

-...is that you don't really know—
- We're gonna go, because Oscar
has done a really big poo.

It's, like, coming out the neck
of his onesie, so...
- I feel you.

Yeah, well, we'll see you next time
for tummy time and wine!
- Oh. OK.

Byeee. Byeee!
- Oh my God. What a nightmare —

a nightmare of a woman.
- Byeee!

- I'm just worried if we, like, keep
going along to a group like that,

we'll get indoctrinated by their
sort of satanic Stanley cup cult.

- Hey.
- What about this one?

READS: 'q*eer Parent Power —

'New Zealand's network
of LGBTQ family groups.'

- Huh. q*eer Parent Network. Yeah,
that's— that's sort of us, isn't it?

- Look at that stock photo
of those hot lesbians.

God, they're hot. That's gotta be AI.
No one's that hot.

- I think we should look into it.
Like, yeah, let's— let's...
It's a great idea,

because, you know, after all,
we're q*eer, we're here,
we've got nothing to fear.

Don't we?

[BABY GRIZZLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

[F1 CARS ROAR ON TV]

[TV OFF]

- I was watching that.
- Yeah, well, sorry —

your F1 motor videos, whatever,
need to take a break.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
F1 is very demanding on the body.

It's, like, G—
- Johnny.

I hate your mattress.

- What?
- It's so sh*t, Johnny —

it's, like, soft and hard
at the same time.

There's, like, this crater in it,
where I'm like, 'Where do I go
around that?' You know?

And, like, every morning, this left
leg is dead. It's completely dead.

And I'm like, 'Wake up.' I've
gotta be like, 'Wakey-wakey, leg!
Wake up, wake up! We need you!'

You know — to my leg.

And I just...
I just don't want this to become
something that we break up over.

[GENTLE, UPBEAT MUSIC]

- [LAUGHS]

- What?

- Let's just get a new bed, then.

- Really?
- CHUCKLES: Yes.

We can even get...

our own mattress.

- Wow. OK. What, like
our first joint purchase?

- Yeah. Well, besides that
zucchini pasta maker.

- Oh yeah, the zoodle maker.
Man, we should use that.

- Mm.
- Hmm.

Yes!

Ooh, how fun.

And then we'll have
zoodles for dinner.

- Can we just have normal pasta?

- Yeah. Course we can.
- Yeah.

- Hey, babe — have you, um,
seen my bongos anywhere?

I just wondered if I should take them
along, cos you never know, like,
when one of these things

is gonna break out into, like,
an impromptu jam session.

- Oh, sorry, babe! I think I threw
it out in the last inorganic.

- Oh.

- OK. Let's go.

What? What?

- The— The two-piece. It's, um...
- Yeah?

- ...formal.

- It is. It's a look.
It's what I've chosen.

- Yeah. Yeah, no,
it's just on the website, it said,
'q*eer Family Market Day' —

you know, not '1940s
underground l*sbian speakeasy'.

- [SCOFFS] What? Do I—?

- Yeah. I reckon a hat.
What about a hat?

- Yeah.
- Or a cane?

[INDIE GUITAR POP MUSIC]

- Mwah!

- ♪ I fell in love
with the winter.

- Oh yes.
- Oh yeah, a little disco ball.
- Good call.

- ♪ It's so wonderful
cos she keeps me warm...

- Thank you.

- What do you want?
- Five bucks.

- Aw, dude, come on.
You're embarrassing me
in front of my new friends.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- I just gave you five bucks.

Only got a 50... Dude!

Hey, don't spend it on booze!
And no fighting!

[OTHERS CHUCKLE]

- The amount of testosterone that's
fizzing around that kid's body —

all he wants to do is fight
and k*ll sh*t every day.

- It's full-on.
- Oh my God.
I do not— I do not blame him.

- CHUCKLES: Yeah.
- Oh, no, the thing is,
he's actually really sensitive.

He just can't get... get ahold
of his feelings sometimes.

Mind you, I guess,
like most adults, huh?
- BOTH: Oh yeah.

- Guilty.
- Yeah. You should see me after 6.

I am like,
'Don't give me a chocolate!'
- She's crazy. Wild.

- Two boys?
- Yep. Yep.

- Wow, you're gonna have your hands
full when those guys get older.

- Oh yeah, we— We sure will.
[CHUCKLES]

But I've actually just read
this book, 'Mothering Boys'.

Have you— Have you heard of it?
- Oh yeah, no. [LAUGHS]
- I found it just so...

...so wonderful.
- I'm terrible.
I didn't read a thing.

- Oh, me too. Me too.
I didn't read sh*t.
- Right? Yeah.

- It's actually, like,
the first one I've read, but...
- [LAUGHS] Dude.

- Oh yeah, my ex, though, uh...
yeah, she did the book theory.

Me? I've got the street smarts.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
- Oh! [LAUGHS]

- So, your-your—
your, uh, ex, did you say?

How— How does it work?
You guys co-parent, or...?

- Oh, well... Leo spends
most of his time with her,

but, you know, yeah, I mean...
Yeah, we hang out a lot,

and I try to bring him to things
like this so he can... I dunno,
be around q*eer families more.

- Oh, 100%, yeah, yeah.
- It's so important to us.

- Plus, the dating scene here
is more to my liking.

- What?
- LAUGHS: Yep. [LAUGHS]

- LAUGHS: Oh!

Oh, OK.

- Abso— Absolutely.
- I guess, yeah — single,
ready to mingle.

- LAUGHS:
There's so many hotties here.

- You know, this— this outfit
is doing it for me.

I feel like you could get rid
of the shirt, though.

You know? Bit of side boob.

Hot.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Leo! Don't get the—
Right, I've got to go.

Hey, just— I'll get your number
on your way out, yeah?

- OK. OK.

- Yeah, let's hang out!

- Oh my God.
She is... the coolest person

I've ever met in my life.
- You think I should
just go after her

and give her the number now, or...?

[MUFFLED MUZAK PLAYS]

- Come on, Johnny.
You don't sleep like that.

- WHISPERS: It's just a bit weird
that she's watching.

- It's actually really important
for me to watch you sleep,

so I know what kind of support
you're gonna need.

- Mm. Come on. There you go.

Oh.

- Yeah. That feels right.

Hmm, side sleeper... little spoon...

Interesting. OK.

The bed you're currently on — that's
at the higher end of our mid range.

But don't worry, you're still
gonna get that seven-zone
pocket springs system

that has the inbuilt back support
that you need.

Plus — this is really great for
any disturbances you might have
through the night.

I'm talking dogs, cats—
- Mm.

- ...um... kids.

- Oh, that's perfect.
- Oh. We don't need to
worry about that.

- Do you have kids?

- No.
- Yeah.

Well... Like, I do.
Like— So, like, I—
- Sort of.

- Yeah, yeah. I mean, I lent my
sperm to, like, friends of ours—
- Like, yeah.

- So they have kids now,
but we all live together—
like, in the same house.

- But we do not have kids.
Not now, not ever.

- Right. OK.

Well, in that case, let me show you
our waterbeds — which are having
a major comeback, by the way.

- Really?
- Oh, big time, baby.
- Great.

- GRUNTS: Ooh...

Don't worry, Steph.
We'll have it all cleaned up
before your special dinner.

- Who is this friend, anyway?
I thought we were your only friends.

- Her name is Edie, and we met her
at the q*eer family get-together.

Johnny, do you still
have your surfboard?

Cos I wonder if we just, like,
lean it over there in that corner —

that'll look quite good,
don't you think?
- Oh, yeah, nah, sold it, sorry.

But I reckon you could probably
pop up some of Lily's resin art
up there.

- Yeah.
- Oh! Yeah, we could—

- [PLASTIC SNAPS]
- Ooh— Whoa!
- Sorry!

- Hey, um— did you get wine?
- No— No, I didn't get any wine.
Should I have got wine?

- Yes! You should get wine, you
should drink! One of us should drink.
I can't, I'm feeding.

- OK. No, I-I definitely
will, then. Um...

Ooh — what about that
funky orange wine?
- Ooh yeah.

What is going on here, guys?
It's not a trampoline park, OK?
Strike that. Get rid of it.

I'm taking down that funny woman
picture as well, Steph.

- Beekeeping is...

It's a spiritual practice
for me, you know?

- I love bees.
I've always loved bees.

- I have always wanted a hive.

- What? Hang on, aren't you,
like, deathly allergic?

- Oh, but it's worth it
for the honey, you know?
- She might have grown out of that.

- You know, when I was in Greece,
I lived with a beekeeper,

and she couldn't speak any English,
and I knew, what— this much Greek?

But we would communicate by...

drawing in the dirt

with our fingers together.

- Wow.
- Yeah, it was such
a visceral way to communicate.

- Oh God, that's so visceral.
- Yeah. I mean, I found out
all about her life and the world

through the power of the earth—

- Mm.
- ...through the dirt.

It was such a gift.

No mud, no lotus, right? [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.

- Oh, that's, like... so cool.
- I feel that on such a deep level.
It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

[BABY GRIZZLES]
- Oh.

- EDIE: Ooh. Little person.
- Oh, that's one of the boys.
Steph, we should—

- JOHNNY: I got it.
Oh. Hey, Johnny, no—
- Nah, I'm good. I'll get it.

- Johnny—
- Thank you, Johnny.
- Johnny. Don't leave me.

- I would love to go to Greece.

I don't know when it's gonna happen,
but I would love that.

- JOHNNY: Coming, coming.
[BABY CRIES]

Who is it? Who is it?

Is it you? Is it you?
OK. Here I am, here I am...
[BABY FRETS]

Ae, here I am.

Ah...

Is that a smile? Eh?
[BABY FRETS]

Is that a smile?
[FRETS]

- Hey. Oop...

A big grizzle over here. OK.
[GRIZZLES]

Are those tears for me?
[CRIES]

Yeah? Are those tears for me?
[GRIZZLES]

Are those tears for your...
[FRETS]

[GURGLES]
...for me?

[GURGLES]
Yeah. Is that better?

- You can, honestly—
- EDIE: No, I don't want to—

You don't have to
go out there. Do it here.
- No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no. I don't want to
suffocate you with my vape cloud.
- We— You definitely won't.

Honestly, we don't mind
about that kinda stuff.
- Nah. You're too pure.

- [LAUGHS] I don't know
about that, but...

- I'm just tired all the time.
Especially after having kids, right?
- Yeah— Oh my God. Yeah, totally.

It's so full-on. And I also
think it's kind of like, so...

Oh yeah, yeah.
- That's gorgeous.

- Oh, thank you, yeah.
[LAUGHS] I think it is.

And, oh my God, look at your one.
- I know.

- God, it smells amazing.
What flavour is it?
- Mm-hm. Oh, here — you want some?

- Oh my God, yes! Yeah. Love vaping.

- Oh no, you gotta
hold in the button.
- Oh, sorry. Oh. Press that?

- Yep. That's it.

Yeah? Yeah?

- [COUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] That good?

- [COUGHS] So good.
- Those poor little lungs.
- It's so good.

- IMITATES EDIE:
Oh, I highly recommend eating
insects as a form of protein.

Urgh! [MOCK-RETCHES]

- Nah, I think it's good that
they've got some new l*sbian mates.

- Yeah, but she's got such
orgy vibes, right?

Uh— Oh, hang on. Do you think
that's what's going to happen
in there right now?

Are they about to have sex

all together, like that?

I'm actually kind of offended
that they didn't ask us, you know?
It's like... we're hot.

You're hot.

You're way hotter than Edie.

You all right?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

I was thinking about...
[CLICKS TONGUE]

the thing you said in the bed shop —
about not wanting kids.

- Ah. Yeah.

Well, I like kids, you know,
but I've never wanted them.
You know? Still don't.

[WISTFUL GUITAR MUSIC]

- WHISPERS: OK.

- Is that going to be a problem?

- I don't know. I don't— I-I... Hmm.

I'm really enjoying, like,
being part of the boys, you know,

and I just...
- Yeah.

I mean, but that's the point, right?

That you get to be their dad.
Kind of.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess you're right, in a way.

Hmm.

- I think I prefer the cheap stuff.

I think I like the stuff from the
supermarket... [LAUGHS] that comes in
a little pink packet.

- I don't want to hear this.
[SINGS] 'Ma-ma-ma'.
- Come on.

- Cuppa tea?
- Ooh.
- Pass.

- Mm!
- Mm.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- OK, speaking of tea...
[SLURPS] Mm...

have you never been with a man, Nat?
- Uh...

Yes. I— I am not a pure...

pure lez. I, um...

I was, um...

with Johnny.

A long time ago. For a short time.

- Hold on.

You f*cked Johnny?

- No, I— I didn't f*ck Johnny.

We third-based.

It was pretty—
pretty innocent stuff, and...
- OK, but he's— he's dad to both?

- Uh, well, he's the— he's the
donor, but he's amazing with them.

- Yeah. He's the best.
The literal best.

- So great.

- Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

OK, I'm sorry, but...
you two should be so careful.

- Oh yeah, I-I mean, we've been
pretty clear with him about, like,
the roles and the dynamics.

- Seriously, the situation is really
similar to mine and my ex's.

Our donor, Will — he was her bestie,

and then... I don't know,
he just got super involved.

And I honestly think that's why,
Margot and I, we split up.

- Johnny—
Johnny's not like that, though.

He's, like, super chill.
He's a very...

Yeah. He— He's dealing with it all.
- Oh, dude. Come on.

Becoming a parent changes you, yeah?
All that brain chemistry and stuff.

LAUGHS: You know?

Do you know what? Will thought that
he was a better parent than me,

and then Margot and him,
they took me to court.

They told me to f*cking court.
Of course I couldn't afford it —
I couldn't afford to fight it,

and so I didn't see Leo
for about three months,

and then, um...

it's... it's sh*t even now.

- Edie, I'm so sorry.

- But, you know, like,
different situations, you know.

Like, Johnny — we've been very clear
with Johnny that he's not the dad.

- Yeah, we— we have,
but this is what happens.

- Yeah, I know,
and like, for sure we'll, like,
make it legal and watertight.

- Yeah, I get— I— Look,
I can give you my lawyer's number.

Diane. f*cking great. If it wasn't
for her, I would have nothing.

- Actually, yeah, I— Cos we do
have a parenting agreement,

but I— I would love to talk to her
to make sure that we're actually
on the right track with it.

- I think it has to be clear,
you know —

it's you and me and the boys,
and Johnny is separate to that.

- Clean and clear is good.

- Um... you want to get out of here?

- I just put my retainer in.

- Oh, good. Just, uh—
just take it out, and we'll go.

- Hang on, sorry. What's—
What's happening?

- Ah, just feel like getting out,
and... you know, a bit of
you and me time.

Um — keys.

- Yeah. OK. Well, I mean, um...

God. I'm always up for an adventure.

[EXHALES] OK.

Ooh!

[SULTRY GUITAR MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

- Oh.

[JOAQUIN EL GATO MUNOZ'S
'UNA VEZ MAS' PLAYS]

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh.

- Oh...
- [LAUGHS]

- Me? Oh, I don't know.

Oh...
- Yes, you.

[CHUCKLES]
- OK.

- WHOOPS: You!
- [LAUGHS]

- [LAUGHS]
- No.

- Come on. Yes, yes!

[MUSIC SWELLS]

[MAN SINGS TENDERLY IN SPANISH]

- Ooh...!
- Oh...

- Oh...

- SIGHS: Ah...

- [LAUGHS]

- Ooh!

- [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

['UNA VEZ MAS' CONTINUES]

[SONG ENDS]

- GASPS: Oh, Steph...

[GASPS]

Oh...

GASPS: Oh, babe.

Babe. Babe, babe, babe—
- Yeah?

- WHISPERS: Hey, instead of coming—
- Yeah?

Here, baby, come here—
- WHISPERS: Oh yeah.

- Sorry.
- You OK?

- Yeah. I just...
- Yeah?

- [BREATHES HEAVILY]

I just don't...

SIGHS: I just don't feel great
about my body just yet.

[SIGHS]

- Hey, that's OK.

- [SIGHS]
- There's nothing to apologise for.
That's...

- It just—
- It felt so good.

- Mm.

- [SIGHS]
- There'll be time.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You'll feel good.

It was fun to try.

- Let me try.

- Maybe we could just
do some kissing.
- Yeah, I think kissing's...

still gonna be good.

- OK.

Yes, I like kissing you.

[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC]

[BABY CRIES]

- Mm...

- [SIGHS] Mm...

Right on cue.
- Yeah.

- WHISPERS: I'll go, my love.

[BABY GRIZZLES]

- My hot...

hot...
- Shh...

- [SIGHS]

[BABY GRIZZLES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

- [BLOWS AIR]

SIGHS: Ai, hachi machi...

- Boats are crazy. So crazy.

You can just jump on a boat
and just sail. Sail to anywhere —

Australia, Papua New Guinea.

- Yeah. Like, Fiji.
- Mm!

- That way is probably Fiji.
- Yes!

We should just go.
We should just get out of here.

- What, like overseas?
- Yeah!

Yeah, we'll go to—
we'll go to Europe.

We'll go to Europe— We'll go—
We'll go wherever, you know?

Yes!

We sell our stuff —
we'll buy a one-way ticket.

You, me — and we just go.

Yeah, we— we go, we—
we see everything!

I want to swim there right now.
- What?

- I'm gonna swim to Paris!

- Johnny! [LAUGHS] What?!
- I'm gonna swim to Paris!
I'm swimming to Paris! Whoo!

- Johnny! What the heck?!
- Are you coming?

- Stop it! Wait for me,
wait for me! Wait for me!
- [LAUGHS]

- SHRIEKS: It's freezing!

Ooh!
- [LAUGHS]

- OK.
- Wait for me!

- Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
[SPLASHING]

Johnny!

LAUGHS: What are you doing?
- PANTS: Whoo!

- [GASPS] Oh...
- [LAUGHS]

- Oh... Oh!
- [LAUGHS]

- [GASPS, PANTS]
- You OK?

- Ah, it's cold!

[GENTLE, STRUMMED UKULELE MUSIC]

- I love you.

You don't have to say it back.

- ♪ Darlin', do you feel

♪ what I feel?

♪ Is it a garden that we've grown?

- Do you think any of
Edie's stories were true?

- I mean, is it actually possible
to communicate with someone
by writing in the dirt?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Yeah.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- ♪ And I want you to know,

♪ hon,

♪ you are the only

♪ one.

♪ Yeah, I want you to know,

♪ hon,

♪ you are the only

♪ one,

♪ and I love you

♪ so. ♪