01x03 - Imposter

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gents, it is time
for the rat-bait!

Come on! You've all been waiting
for this, haven't you?

In one corner, we have Bullseye!
BULLSEYE BARKS

In the other, we got the dirtiest,
nastiest rats in all o' London town!

Ah, this is more like it.
Spit and sawdust.

Come on, Bullseye. Come on.

BELL RINGS

I've got money on him, Bill.

Well, so 'ave I!

A pint of your finest, please.

There you go.

Oi, Pol, watch the bar for me,
would you? I'm too busy rattin'.

What's in it for me? A thick ear
if you don't get a move on!

I've got a thirsty customer!

Come on, move it.

Had a rough day? Every day
is a rough day where I work.

I had to get out, see some life.

Come on, Bullseye!
Eat him! Gnash him!

The people I work for are about as
much fun as a punch in the guts.

SHE CHUCKLES

To think you can have all that money
and still not be happy.

No amount of cash could bring
a missing boy back.

Scotch egg? It's on the 'ouse.

Ah.
SHE CHUCKLES

CHEERING

k*ll the rat! Bite it!

Mrs Greenwood,
the Lady of the House,

she turned her back for one second
and he was gone.

Brosie?

He just vanished? Well, that's
the stuff of nightmares, innit?

Ambrose, where are you?

Six years it's been now.

She ain't left her bed
nor laughed since.

They ain't got any other nippers
other than little Brosie.

That was her pet name for him.

SHE SIGHS

Gone forever.

And all that inheritance

just sitting there...

..untouched.

Another Scotch egg?

You told me he could fight!
I thought he could.

My nan could fight better than that!

I'm going to gnash these dirty
hamsters myself. Show him!

CHEERING
Come on!

Argh!

Ooh!

Got me on the peaches! Got me on
the peaches! The peaches!

So, the Greenwoods are one of
the richest families in London.

Mr Greenwood's Lord Chief Justice,
whatever that means.

Every year, they'd put
a notice in the paper.

They'd give £5 to whoever
finds the boy.

Read all about it!
Police raise reward for boy.

We could find that boy
and get the reward money.

Looking for a lost kid in London?

That's too much manpower.

Cuckoo.

He's finally lost it.
What's a cuckoo?

You're a country girl.
Tell him what a cuckoo is.

A cuckoo tricks other birds
to raise its chicks. Exactly.

Once the impostor chick has
hatched, it takes over the nest

and eats all the other t*ts
and finches, right?

For the benefit of the people round
the table that might not understand

what you're talking about, and I
don't mean me, what do you mean?

Use your noggin, Bill.
Dodger could be the cuckoo.

He turns up at the house,
gives it all the long lost boy act,

they take him in,
when they're asleep,

he locks them in their bedrooms and
then he opens the door for you lot

and you ransack the gaff. Oh!

Would it not be easier to just
ask for the reward money?

No, no, they'll ask
too many questions. Yeah.

Hang on, hang on. Don't you think
it seems a bit cruel?

LAUGHTER

Cruel?! Yeah, you know,
to the parents.

Dodger, sometimes you have to do bad
things to make good things happen.

Yes. What if I don't even
look like him?

It's been six years. Faces change.

I used to be really ugly.

What does he say about this boy?

Master Greenwood has green eyes,
blonde hair and a birthmark

that looks like Malta
on his right cheek.

He don't have any of those so what
are we going to do about that?

Don't worry,
you can leave that with me.

Right, I nicked this ink
from the tattoo parlour.

I don't want a real tattoo!

It ain't real.
It's only going to last a night.

Don't touch your face and,
whatever you do, don't wash.

I hope you know what you're doing.
HE SIGHS

I've had enough real ones done
to know what I'm on about.

I had this one done when my mum
died, this one done

when my dad died, this one
when my big brother died,

this one done when my
little brother died,

this one when my big sister died,

this one when my little sister died,
this one when my baby brother died

and these two when the twins died.

I hope you don't have
any more relatives

because you're going to
run out of space.

I'm the only one left. I couldn't
afford a tombstone, could I,

so here I am - a walking memorial.

Anyway, let's get on with it,
shall we?

That'll do.

Right, that's his tat done. What are
we going to do about his Barnet?

I had a whip round from the sailors.

It's what I use
on my lovely blonde hair.

Add a dash of lemon, sprinkle
of sunshine, job's done.

And don't it look lovely?

Oh, yeah. It's beautiful, that.

Yeah.

Dip your head in that for a few
hours and you're laughing.

Here you go.

What do you mean,
whip round from the sailors?

Use your imagination.

But don't gulp.

SHE CHUCKLES

What's she been doing
with that boy's 'ead?

LAUGHTER

Looking good, my son. Ha-ha!

Come on, Bill, let's have it.

Now, listen, cos this is important.

From now on, Dodger ain't
called Dodger no more.

He's called Brosie, yeah?

Get that through your skulls.
Brosie!

Ain't that right, Dodger? Brosie.

Who?

You get the keys
from the housekeeper

and lock them all in their bedrooms.

Then, dead on ten,

open the back door and let us in
to raid the gaff.

We'll be waiting.

Remember, if they ask
too many questions

and you ain't got an answer,
do one simple thing.

Just faint.

What do you want?

I...am Ambrose Greenwood.

I was stolen by pirates...

..and now I am home.

GLASS SMASHES

Mr Greenwood!

Mr Greenwood!

Come on, don't be shy.
Tell the Master what you told me.

I am Ambrose Greenwood.

I was snatched by pirates
and taken to the coast of Spain.

Thank you, Mrs McCurdy.
That'll be all.

You were captured by pirates,
were you? Yes.

Terrible rotters, they were.

They stole gold by the shipload

and slit a man's throat,
just like that.

One of them even had badger breath.

Where in Spain were you?
I know the country well.

He estado alli muchas veces.

I've been there many times.

Er...er...

Cadiz?

Valencia? Barcelona?

Bilbao?
DODGER WHIMPERS

I was blindfolded.

You were blindfolded?

They didn't want me to know where
I was being taken, see, innit...

That's what pirates do.
Don't play me for a fool, boy.

I run the law in this land.
Lie to me and you'll regret it!

I'll give you sixpence
and you can be on your way.

I don't want your money.

All I want you to do is tell Mama...

..that Brosie was here.

What did you call yourself?

Why, Brosie, of course.

Mama's special name for me.

You wouldn't think I'd forget
about that, would you?

DODGER SOBS

It is you.

I know.

Brosie.

KNOCK ON DOOR

My dearest...

..there's someone here to see you.

No visitors, please, Pugnal.

I'm not strong enough.
I need to rest.

Well, I think you'll want to see
this visitor.

Brosie?

Hello, Mama.

SHE GASPS

SHE SHRIEKS

DODGER GRUNTS

SHRIEKING CONTINUES

I bet you'll be pleased to see
all your lovely things again.

DODGER LAUGHS

My room. Ha!

All my...my things!

Oh... My rocking horse!

Ha-ha!

Ah!

I could get used to this.

Again.

Look at me. I look so la-di-da.

SHE LAUGHS
You're funnier than you used to be.

You were a bit boring before,
no offence.

Ah, that's better.

You resembled a nasty little
pickpocket when you first walked in.

DODGER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Now, then, I bet you've missed
this fine fellow.

DOG GROWLS

Call him to you.

By his name? Well, yes,
obviously by his name.

DOG GROWLS

You want me to call my dog...

..by his name? By his name, yes.

DODGER EXHALES SHARPLY
You know his name. Oh, yes.

It's just... There's just...

It's been such...such a long...
long time.

You were the best of friends.

You spent every waking hour
together.

BILL: If in doubt, faint.

I hope he don't get caught.

Of course he won't get caught.

Dodger would wiggle his way
out of a pickle jar.

I don't know about that. He's in
the house of the Lord Chief Justice.

He'll find it very tricky
to get anything past them.

These legal fellas can smell a liar

just as good as we can smell
a purse in a pocket.

Exactly, which is why you lot
need to be on the street

at ten o'clock tonight, or we're
in a very sticky situation.

Mrs Greenwood, what a beautiful day!

I want to get up.
You don't have no strength.

You've been in bed
for five long years.

Your legs are as weak as wool.

My Ambrose is home and I won't waste
a second more in this gloomy room.

If Brosie can make his way home
after being captured by pirates,

I can walk three footfalls
across this rug.

Ooh.

I can stand.

Oh...! No, no, let me be.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Ooh.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

I'm doing it.

Come on, Mama.
Nearly there, nearly there.

I'm really doing it. Yes.

Oh... Oh...!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

My dear little Ambrose
has made me want to live again.

EXCITED LAUGHTER

Oh, oh, here, look, look, look.

LAUGHTER

I can walk.

Right, g*ng, time to get going if
we want to be there dead on ten.

Good luck.

DOG GROWLS

DOG GROWLS

Brosie.

Yes, Mama?
I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't you sing for us?

I've so missed the sound
of your beautiful voice,

as if angels sat in your throat.

You want me, erm...

..to sing now?

Yes. Sing our song.

Isn't it a bit late?

Nonsense! It's a marvellous idea.

Come on, Brosie.

# La

# La, la, la, la, la, la. #

Good song.

Erm, that wasn't a song,
that was an arpeggio. Oh.

Mama, could you please remind me
what our song is?

Largo al Factotum
del Barbiere de Siviglia.

Oh, that one.

Yes.

ADULTS: # La, la, lalera

# La, la, la, la

# La, la, lalera

# La, la, la, la... #

Keep it down.

He better be there dead on ten or
he'll be dead at ten.

# ..La... #
HE SINGS OUT OF TUNE

# La, la-la, la-la... #

THEY CONTINUE SINGING

# La!
LA!

# La, la, la! La, la, la, la!

# La, la, la! #

# LAAAAAAAA!

Is that Dodger? Is he singing?

# AHHHHHH! #

PIANO STOPS

Bravo!

Your voice sounded different.

Oh, it must be all the sea air.

It's made my pipes rusty. Hm.
And you've lost your lisp.

LISPING: It comes and goes.

You'll still be able to play the
trumpet though, won't you, dear?

SHE GIGGLES

Come on, Ambrose, don't be shy.

BILL'S VOICE: If in doubt, faint.

He's overwhelmed,
poor dear.

Goodnight, my sweet boy.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

HE EXHALES

Mama, what are you doing?

It's been so many years, I wish
to stare at your angelic face

all night long.

All night? All night.

I will not take my eyes off you.

I ain't getting cold, I ain't
getting caught, I'm off.

And just leave him?

Yes. Come on.

Chitling. Chitling. Chitling!
I'm not waiting around for nothing.

HE GROANS

Before you fall asleep,
I have a very special gift for you.

I had this locket made.

See? I am on one side and you are on
the other.

And now we are together again.

I knew you'd return.

Everyone else told me to give
up hope, but I never lost faith.

Shh.

Sleep now, dear boy.

You're home.

I ain't going nowhere.

I'll wait all night
if I have to.

SHE GASPS
What are you doing on there?

Get off!

Hairs everywhere!

Oh, there's me keys.

They must have got snagged when
I carried you to beddy-byes.

HE SPITS
Ah! Ooh!

I saw him through the window.

He was wearing one of those
frilly nighties,

the type a princess might wear.

This wasn't part of the plan.

He was supposed to open the door.
We need him to deliver, tonight.

You know what's happened, don't you?

He's got a new life.

He don't need us no more.

Got his feet under the table.

I knew this would happen.

I told you from day one,
from the moment he nicked my bed!

He's making us all look like mugs!
Are we going to take that, are we?!

Are you going to take that?

No! He's living the life
and we've put him there,

with his servants and his meat
on tap and his fireplaces

that actually have fire!

And what do we get, eh?

Nothing but bellyache.
BULLSEYE BARKS

Bullseye, come on.

Come on. Get down there, Bill's
on the rampage.

Quick! Gotcha.

Happy now?

Papa, can I play in the garden?

Er, yes. But I won't let
you out of my sight.

Can't risk losing you again, dear.

Thanks!

HE CHUCKLES

Well, some best mate he turned out
to be, eh?

Left you all alone.

But I bet you're used to that,
ain't ya?

HE LAUGHS

Playful little scamp, isn't he?
Yes.

Now Brosie's returned, we should get
a new portrait painted.

Hmm. Good idea.

Aw, look at him.

HE CHUCKLES

Our boy is having fun. Yes.

Psst! What are you doing here?!

What are you playing at, Dodger?

I'm starving, we've not
eaten in a week.

Who's he talking to?

Perhaps he's talking to himself.

He has a troubled mind, poor dear.

You've got to get out of here.
You've got to go!

What's taking you so long?

I'll go and see to him.

Leave it out, will ya? I'm trying my
best. Mother's having a really hard

time... She's not your mother,
Dodger, she's just some woman.

I know. I know who me own mum is.

Actually, I don't, but... You've got
a job to do, so do it.

What have you pinched so far?

Nothing. Nothing?!

Oh, you're useless!
You've gone soft.

It's all those venison sandwiches
and velvet bum cushions.

Everyone's turning against you.

Even your mate, Charley,
that forest freak.

She don't even speak
and we're lumbered with her.

What's that? Oh, no, give me
that back!

That's not yours!

It's not yours either.

Look, them lot are dripping
in diamonds.

They're not going to miss a locket.

Give me them slipper things.

Oh, but... Give me the slippers.

I like these.

SHE SNIFFS
That's weird.

What? You've lost your pong.

Well...I've had a bubble bath.

Ooh!

A bubble what?

Ambrose.

Just get out here! Go! Go!

Ambrose?
Oh, hello, Papa.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, just the bees.

Ah.

Ambrose, where are your shoes?

Oh, Papa, I do love to feel
the grass under my tights.

Do you? Hm.

Try it. Erm...

Well, I suppose I...

Why not?

It's, erm... Yes.

Fresh.
THEY LAUGH

Springy.

I like it.
Me too.

Let's race back to the house.
Erm, after you.

What a pair of plums.

What's the matter, Papa?

I have a...a feeling, in here.

Oh.

It must be all the trifle
you gobbled down at lunch.

And the cheese.

I did rather overdo it,
didn't I?

A gentleman never walks
away from a cheese board.

No, it's...it's not indigestion.

I think...

I think it's love.

You know, I was not very interested
in you

before you went missing, that is.

In fact, I thought you were awful,
always squawking and red-faced,

not very fragrant, like a grub
in a bonnet.

I never wanted children.

Couldn't see what all the fuss
was about.

I wasn't a good father, Brosie.

Always busy, I never gave
you enough time.

I owe you an apology.

But now you're back home,

I'm going to be the best
daddy a boy ever had.

You will call me Daddy, won't you?

Papa sounds so formal.

Yes, Daddy.

Oh, here she is, finally.

Well, did you see Dodger, then?
Did you pass on the message?

Yes, I did.

Did he mention me at all?
No, he didn't.

And while I was there, I managed
to nick some stuff.

I took these off his feet.

Look at them, they're soft
as puppies.

What, is that it?

Who wants these?
Me. I want them.

No, obviously, that's not it.

I also nicked this.

Hang on. There's a picture of some
boy and his mum here.

Who wants to buy that?

Take the pictures out.

Now I can flog it.

Yeah, not without me you're not.
Yeah, and me, with my new slippers.

I know that face from somewhere.

You don't remember me, do you?
Master Greenwood.

I've painted you already,

before your...disappearance.

Lovely sitter you were.

Not at all fidgety.

But I never forget a face.

Especially not a face
that I have studied

ever so, ever so carefully.

What's this for?

Just a prop.

To enhance the composition.

After all...
DOORBELL RINGS

..this painting will join the many
magnificent works in your...

..family's collection.

Ahem.

How do. Where's Mr Warburton?

He's got the trots,
so they sent me instead.

But he's the only tuner allowed
to touch our baby grand.

Well, what about the piano then?

You're leaning on it.

Oh! Yeah.

So I am.

Let's have a look-see.

HE BANGS KEYS

It don't have much welly, do it?

You know? I-I-I wouldn't...

Well, here's your problem -
there's wood in it.

I don't think that's supposed
to come out. And more. And more.

You've got a load of string
in here as well.

I've seen this before.

Don't pull that bit!
Don't pull that bit!

There we go.

I cannot work with this racket,

but I shall return...

..to finish you off.

Mind the orange. Ooh! Ooh!

What you done to your hair?

I'm, I'm just...trying
something different.

You ain't the Dodger no more.

You're just a powdered pompom.

You was only supposed to stay
one night.

Well, it's a big job, Bill.

You can't rush these things...

You're going to rip my ruff!

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll make things very ROUGH
for you indeed

if you don't let me in tonight,
boy!

But not ruff like neck ruff,
like rough!

Like, rough stuff!
Rough! Ha-ha!

Do you get it? Yeah? Get it?!

I get it. Yeah.

You're going to let me in tonight
or you're going to come with me now.

I promise. I'll do it tonight. OK.

How are you getting on?

Yeah, all finished.
HE CHUCKLES

That should play beautiful.

All the songs. Every single one.

Shh! Very quiet now.

BUCKET CLATTERS

If he don't do it tonight,
I'll k*ll him twice.

Why are you so angry all the time?

What did you say? "If Dodger don't
do this, he'll be dead."

"If Dodger don't do that, he'll be
dead." Why are you like this?

Why's everyone got to be dead all
the time? Because I like it!

And if you keep prodding me
and asking me stupid questions,

then I'll prod you.

I'll prod you in the neck until
you're six feet under,

and then I'll keep prodding you
until you're 12 feet under.

There you go again - k*ll, k*ll,
k*ll. What is wrong with you?

Just be nicer.

NO!

He's coming down the stairs,
I can hear him. Get ready.

Sorry, Ambrose.

I know what you've done.

She's not your mummy.

She's my mummy.

How can you live with yourself?

You're a bad, bad boy.

Oh, he's taking his time!

Come on!

Dodger! Dodger, you open this door.

I can't do it to them, Bill.

They're so kind to me.

Boy, I'll show you kind!

If you do not let us in now,
I will take you to the local

taxidermist and I'll get
you stuffed!

I'm sorry.

He's gone up the stairs.
He's gone up the stairs.

He's gone up the stairs,
he's gone...

He's taking the mickey out of us.

I'm going to tear that boy a new ear
hole, and don't you start!

I've had enough. Give me
that crowbar. I'll do it myself.

GROWLING

Come on.

Polly! Oh, it's you.

I told you not to come back here.

What are you doing?!
What's it look like I'm doing?

If you won't rob the place, I will.

Put that back, that's expensive!

Shut up.

I'll shout.
You wouldn't.

I mean it. You'd dob me in it?

Let go! No, you let go!
No, you let go! No, you let go!

Fine!
POTS CLATTER

Go, go, go, go! Who's there?

Master Ambrose? Brosie.

What on earth are you
doing down here?

Hm?

I... Oh, he's sleepwalking.

Look, he thinks he's still
with the pirates. Poor lamb.

I'll put you to bed.
Oh! You need to rest.

Oh! Come on, my dear.
Yes. Pirates!

Oh! Please, don't let me
walk the plank!

Mama! Yes, darling.

WHIMPERING AND YELPING

Pat?

HEAVY THUD

Hello?

You never, ever get attached
to the people you're robbing.

The moment you get that warm,
fuzzy feeling, you're done.

Cos that warm, fuzzy
feeling doesn't put food

in your belly, does it?

No man can live by fuzz alone.

It's the number one rule
in the criminal rule book.

Can I see it?

Has it got gory pictures?

No, it ain't an actual book, Tang.
Oh.

It's a code, a criminal code.

You learn it as you go along.

What's a criminal's worst enemy?

The police. Wrong. The judges?

Wrong. The hangman. Wrong!

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

A criminal's worst enemy is?

His conscience.

Exactly!

Now, Dodger has grown
a conscience

and that is a very,
very dangerous thing to do.

Brosie. Brosie, are you ready?

We have to go into town
for an important engagement.

You look fatigued.

Yes, Mama. I am a little bit tired.

Where did you say we were
going again?

It's a surprise.

Is this a police station?

Yes, that's right.

It's Whitehall Place, where the head
of the police force works

with all his fine officers.

Fascinating.

But why are we here?

You need to tell the police
what happened to you.

They may even let you have a peep
in one of their cells.

You can tell them all about the bad
people who took you away.

It's very important, Brosie.

It's time to be a big, brave boy.

Hurry. They're waiting for us.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I don't want to go in.
I don't want to go in.

If I go in, I'll never come
out again.

Of course you will.

What are you talking about? They've
got suspicious minds, coppers.

They have to see the bad in people.

That's their job.

They won't believe me.

You know I'm your son,
but they'll just think

I'm after the reward.

How do you know about the reward?

I thought you'd been at sea.

Miss McCurdy told me.

Don't be absurd, Brosie.

Police officers are good people.

They'll put me in a room with no
windows and shout at me

right up close, getting spit my
eyes, and ask me questions

over and over again

till I don't even know that
two and two make three,

and yelling, "You're a liar!
You're a liar!"

And I won't be able to cope,
I'll crack.

I'll say whatever they want,
I'll say, "Yes, I am a liar.

"I'm the biggest
liar that ever lived!"

Brosie, you're babbling!

If I step through the door
of that police station,

you'll never get me back.

Never, ever.

Where are you going? Home.

I can't risk losing him
for a second time.

How q*eer.

SHE HUMS
Darling...

..does Brosie seem a little off
to you?

Off? No.

He's just had a bad day, that's all.

Only to be expected with everything
he's been through.

Who knows what those horrid
pirates did to him.

Hm. Yes.

But there's something
not quite right.

His voice changed today,
did you notice?

His accent sounded quite common.

Yes, well, he has travelled
rather a lot.

What are you saying?

Nothing.

I'm just tired.

I'm so happy we have our little
Brosie back. So, so happy.

DOG GROWLS

Oh, do let us see it, Mr Loomis.
I can barely contain my excitement.

With pleasure.

What is the meaning of this?

Where is Master Ambrose?

I cannot paint Master Ambrose,

because Master Ambrose is not here.

Brosie is before your very eyes,
Mr Loomis.

This?

This is an impostor.

I do not wish to paint him.

Mr Loomis! Hear me out, madam.

Why do you keep lobbing
oranges at me?

Did you notice in which hand
the imp caught the orange?

His right. And Brosie, if I am not
mistaken, is...

..left-handed.

I can prove it further.

Come here, you retch! Argh! No!

Get off me! I knew linseed oil
would get it off.

This birthmark is a mere daub,

no doubt tattooed by some other
master criminal!

Get off me! If you're not Brosie,
then who are you?

Spit it out!

My name's Jack.

Jack Dawkins. Oh!

And, yes, I am here to rob you.

But it wasn't my idea.

Well, the thing is...

..you were so nice.

You didn't deserve to be tricked.

And I was proud to call you my mum
and my dad,

even if it was for only
a...couple of afternoons.

Oh.

Oh, my dear.

He's a liar and a cheat.

He should be hanged
this very afternoon.

Oh! That would my pleasure.

Stop, all of you!

Or I'll...I'll flick this all over
your priceless paintings.

No! You wouldn't dare! That's a van
Dyck, it's worth thousands. Please.

Try me.

What about this one? No.
Don't move!

I'm sorry.

Pat, attack!

Master Ambrose?

DOG BARKING

I still get paid, right?

Oh, you've come back, have you?

You think you can just walk
in whenever you want?

Well, you can't.
You're not welcome.

So get back in that dumb waiter
and sling your hook.

I-I-I'm sorry...
I don't want to hear it.

Take them fancy clothes off him.
We can sell them.

Minnie says he's back. Where is he?
Where's Do...?

Two nights I sat outside
freezing my thumbs off!

Bill, he's not worth it.

You have let us down.

We can't trust you.

So get your hat,
get your clothes, and go.

You're not worthy
of being in this g*ng.

Go and join the mud larks
or the beggars or something.

Go on! Get out of it!

Wait!

I know where the real
Ambrose is.

He was here somewhere,
I'm sure of it.

You did your card trick on him
the first time we came.

There! Can you spare a penny?
That's him!

Oi! Ambrose.

It is him!

Quick, come with us!

Oh, all right! I'm coming.

KNOCKING
I'm coming!

What do you want?

Errand boys go round the back.

No. No!

Is it you? Master Ambrose!

Oh! Come here! Oh, our boy!

Oh, look at you.

Oh, Mrs Greenwood! Mrs Greenwood!
Look. Look who it is.

Look.

Brosie? Mama. Mama!

SHE WHIMPERS
What's all this racket?!

Oh, not again.