01x06 - Charlie & Zeke

[bunniefuu]

[SUMMER LOVE BY SHERBET PLAYS]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[SQUEALS]

[EXHALES]

[SAIL AWAY BY ENYA PLAYS]

[HEAVY-BASS ELECTRO MUSIC PLAYS]

Yeah, this one has
more fruity notes.

Yeah, I reckon it
could be more hoppy.

The hell are you two doing here?
Charlie!

What the hell are you doing here?

Why are you white faced?

That's not the point.
This is my anniversary weekend.

Yeah. I do believe it makes
it my anniversary weekend too.

Zeke, we had an agreement that
you would keep out of my space.

Well, I Didn't know that
you'd be at the holiday rental.

Wouldn't I be? I book it every year.

Yeah, and I Got
the confirmation email.

That email was meant for me.
Well, you didn't say anything.

You barred me from talking to you.

Oh, yeah. I rate this one a tenner.
And you.

You're meant to be MY cousin.
Hey, he's my best mate.

Aww, thanks man. Sorry sis.

Don't call me sis. Both of you, out.

Have you been sleeping on
Ben's shitty couch for three weeks?

Thank you by the way.
Yeah, no worries.

No, you haven't.

I deserve this holiday.

And it's raining outside, sis.

[GROANS ANGRILY]

Hey, come to the holiday house.

For black-up.

It's an emergency black-up.

The Notebook?

Well, pause it.

I'll pay for petrol.

I don't care how long it will take.

It's Friday night and we should be
getting charged like old times.

And you owe me.

Remember when I saved you
from that mission dog.

Yeah, thought so.

OK. OK, see you soon. Bye.

Oi, turn it up!

[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]

OK, you mob, ground rules.

[BOTH GROAN]

In the mornings between
eight and nine, I get the kitchen.

And I should get the big bedroom.
Why?

Because I've been living
in Ben's shitty shoebox studio

while you have the house.

You don't even pay rent.

And I appreciate your hospitality.

Well, I was here first.

Yeah, every blackfella
uses that line.

Ay, and where will I sleep?
BOTH: Kids room.

OK, how about you get the lounge
for the entire weekend

and I get to keep the big bedroom.

Fine.

You know what us single lads need?

Yarndi.

I haven't done a bucket bong
since the old days.

Seriously? From where?

OK, so there's a farmers market page
that dealers home-deliver drugs on,

and they've got code names
like broccoli for coke,

grapes for dexies
and eggplants for weed.

Why don't we order 90 bucks
of...eggplants?

Yeah.

One less eye.

Did I do it?

Yeah, yeah.

[SAIL AWAY PLAYS]

Oi. There are other toilets.

Eugh. Enya.

Enya is better than that
techno sh*t that you listen to.

Ah, it's called EDM.

And where ya going?
Out.

Where?
None of your business.

Charlie, shouldn't we talk?

Trial separation
means trial separation.

This ain't black Ross and Rachel.

I don't know how a chicken pie
turned into a trial separation.

If I knew you were this womba...
I'm not crazy.

..I would have gone
with Jessica Mauboy

when she hit on me
at the Deadly Awards.

Jessica Mauboy didn't hit on you.

She was just looking in your general
direction when she was singing.

We had a connection.

And it still
doesn't explain Piegate.

I'm not going over this again.

You never went over it
in the first place.

Well?

Sail away, Zeke, sail away.

[SAIL AWAY PLAYS]

Womba.

Oh, God...

[EDM PLAYS]

What even is quince?

Any word on those 'veggies'?

Ooh. Ah, should be here soon.

Party hats.

Yeah.

Oh!

Party drinks.

Hey, I bought you that
for your wedding.

Yes, but...
Charlie never let me open it.

She hates the smell.

So I want to celebrate it
with good company.

[SIGHS]

You guys always have these bust ups.

You fight, make up, repeat.
It'll blow over.

Bro, get your sh*t together.

You don't want to be single.
It's cold out there.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Just apologise for the poxy pie.

Well, that's the thing.
I don't even know what I did.

I came home with a pie
and she went ballistic.

She should apologise
for carrying on for so long

that my pie went cold.

Anyway, forget her.

Agh.

[VOLUME INCREASES]

What are you
dickheads doing?

Um, nothing.

What's it to you?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Why aren't you dressed to go out?

You told me to get
my black arse here straightaway.

Well, come on.

Hey, girl.

Mum was bossing me around,
here, there, everywhere.

And then she were busting herself,

demanding the biggest mob
cup of teas.

I was like, "Mum, come on now.
Black Lives Matter." Goodness.

Hey, if you're here,
who's looking after Mum?

Can you, like, relax your flaps
for two seconds, please?

Tyrone's with her.
They're finishing off The Notebook.

My man and Mum watching
my favourite movie, without me.

But it's OK.

It's OK because
I am here for black-up.

And a party apparently.

Well, we're not allowed in here.

We're going out to party and you can
borrow something of mine.

Charlie! Ugh...

I've been driving around for ages
and it's raining outside.

Plus...

..we can make our own fun here.

It's a minimum of three players.

Absolutely not.

Come on.

Ugh, can't we just stay in?

I've got a microwavable cake
in a cup.

I need to go out.
I need to be free.

I've been so down the last month,
constantly thinking of him.

That stops tonight.

And if you won't go out with me,
then I'll find someone who will.

A dating app?

Yeah, you're not really going to
go through with that, are you?

Well, trial separation
means putting me first

and trying new things.

"Recently separated from
my husband of four years.

"I want fun."
Yeah.

Ah, yeah, putting 'fun'
in caps makes it less fun.

And I don't think
this is what you want.

That's exactly what I want.

Zeke is out there getting to be fun.

Well, it's not a fun competition.
Of course not.

But I'm going to have more fun.
Capital F-U-N.

Hey, speaking of fun, Tyrone he's...

Swiping right on Jason.

Newly divorced guy.

Yes.

Hey, is he a blackfella?

No.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You don't look like Jason?

That's 'cause I look like Roger.
Who's Roger?

I'm Roger.

I just got a tip to deliver
$90 worth of eggplant.

Eggplants? Where's the weed?

'Weed' as in drugs?

Yes, Charlie. Druuugs!

Ben and I are
having fun tonight, Daddy-o.

When you say it like that,
it doesn't make it sound fun.

Well, Daddy-o, explain how
you're going to have fun

with all these eggplants?

No judgment what you lads are into.
I'm just a veggie farmer.

Ugh, dammit, you must have ordered
from the veggie group,

not the druggie group.

Wait, wait, wait.

You tried to order drugs online
but bought produce instead?

[BOTH LAUGH]

You're real dopey, true. Real dopey.

You mob make me weak.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Whoa dude.

I feel like I'm flying. [LAUGHS]

No, no, no, no.

Heeey!

What are we meant to do
with all these eggplants?

Well, I can teach you
a couple of recipes

for a dram of that whiskey there.

OK, now this is called
fengwei eggplant

from the Shandong province.

It's a real comfort food
for rainy days.

You ever have it with French salt?

Why the hell would I have
it with French salt?

Zeke and his bloody French salt.

I got this baby when Charlie and I
were stuck on an island

off the coast of France because
the French rails were on strike.

Bloody French. Always on strike.

But it worked out because we stayed
at this little old lady's salt farm

and in the mornings she'd feed us
cheese and baguettes.

Oh!

Do you remember, she had
the most amazing Bordeaux reds

that paired beautifully
with the charcuterie?

Oh, yeah.

Eyes, eyes, fromage.

[BOTH LAUGH]

That was a good time.

Yeah, it was.

Ah, awkward much?

Real bougie story.

You two need to hand in
your black cards.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Jason?
Yeah. Ready for this capital FU...

Who's this?

Oh, g'day, mate, I'm Jason.

You're...?
Zeke. Charlie's husband.

We're separated,
like my profile says.

Trial separated.
Oh.

You live together, though?
Oh, no, no, no.

This is just the holiday house
we get for our wedding anniversary.

But, but you're here together?

It's OUR anniversary.

We're on a break.

Like black Ross and Rachel.

Oh, I think I left something
in the...in the taxi.

Oh, cool, we can
catch it to town then.

Where are youse going?
Out.

Charlie, seriously?
Let's go.

I don't know about you
but I'm ready for some capital FU...

Where's the taxi?

I just made that up
'cause it was a bit...weird.

I actually walked here.

I'm sorry.

Can we...start this again?

Are you a blackfella?

No.

Well, you look like a blackfella.

Oh, I get that a lot, but no...

Grandfather?

No.

Grandmother.
No.

Second cousin?
No.

No, you've got blackfella in you.
Mm.

Johnny-come-lately?
Oh, no it's...it's Jason.

No. Johnny...come...lately.

A lateral violent term meaning
you were born

not knowing you were Aboriginal,

but later claim it via
family secrets spilling or DNA tests.

But it's OK
if you find out later, bub.

Eh, is it though?

I'm pretty sure I'm not Ab...

..Indig...

First...

So where you from?

Western Queensland, originally.

Oh!
Oh, you would know the Mortons, eh?

Uh, no.
Well, the Jacksons?

Mm, no, I left when I was five.

Nah, you've got blackfella in you.

I'd say about...

..four lines back.

On your grandmother's side.

Somebody crossed
those railroad tracks.

Yeah, nah...

I can assure you I'm 100% white.

You wanna see
my wrestling moves, Jason?

Oh, God.
Come on, let's see your g*ns.

I don't need to see any g*ns.
Come on.

I'm calling Queensland mob
to ask about you.

Wonder where Charlie is?

g*ns out!

Oh, hi, yes I'd like to book a taxi.

Booked out?

No, I didn't know Tex Perkins
is playing at the surf club.

Well, who knew everybody
in this poxy town

were die-hard fans of Tex Perkins.

Taxis, Ubers, shuttle buses -
all booked out to see him sing.

We're stuck...

Zeke!

Zeke's trying real hard to
flex his so-called muscles on Jason.

What are we going to do?
Ooh!

I know.

I've travelled the world,
seen the darkness of humanity,

slaughter on the streets,
poor people persecuted,

famine, grief, desperation, fire.

But this... [CHUCKLES]

This is the worst I've seen
with my own eyes.

Are you giving up?

No. I want to win.

This is t*rture.

So what do you do for a living?

Well, I'm...
Do you mind?

Roger's trying to concentrate.
Hurry up, Roger.

I need to build a city over here.

Does anyone have a hay?
I'll give you a sheep?

You know this game.

We're like plundering
natural resources,

expanding territory, settling land.

Doesn't it make you
feel uncomfortable?

Why, would it?

Two sheep then.

Well, because you're...

Well, you know, because...
because you're...

Politics.
Pfft. Screw politics.

This is the only time
blackfellas can get land.

Sure, yeah.
Well, if Charlie's in, I'm in.

Oh, I'm definitely in.
Blackfellas love this game.

Great. You know I put
a black tile on Instagram.

Oh, what an ally.

Eight.
Ooh, I get a rock.

Nice one.

I'll give you two wood
for that rock?

No.

And a brick. You can build a road.

Deal of the century.
No deal.

Six. Charlie, I'll give you
wood for that rock.

Deal.
Um, what about me?

What about you?
I offered you two wood.

Only needed one.

And I'll buy a development card.

Could I have some chippies?

Thanks.

So, Jason...

Was your wife spiteful
in your divorce?

Oh, well, not really.
We kept things pretty friendly.

Friendly is impossible.
Oh, it's not impossible.

You've just got to
put your differences aside

for the greater good.

No. I mean Catan.
Oh.

So, not spite?

What about sorting through assets,
houses, bread-makers.

I get the bread-maker.
You're on keto.

Oh, well, we divided it evenly.

What about friends?

Well, we didn't
make our friends pick sides.

Yeah, well I got dibs on Ben.
Oh, yeah.

I don't want him.
Hey, we're meant to be family.

Oh, NOW we're family?
Excuse me, who's gonna pick me?

Me.
Charlie.

Good to know where I stand, Zeke.

What about baristas?
Oh, well, we didn't own a barista.

No, I Mean baristas
at your local coffee shop.

You see, I like coffee.
I like coffee.

No, you like hazelnut mochaccinos.

Oh, that sounds delicious there, sis.

I like real coffee. You see, I like
to know the origin of the bean.

I like to know that
it's been roasted delicately

and grounded with care.

It's hard to find a barista that
takes it as seriously as I do.

After all these years...

..I finally found KD Lang.
[GASPS] The singer?

No, the barista
who looks like the singer.

KD Lang works at Smith Street.
So?

Oh, nah, she does
look like KD Lang, eh?

It's closest to my house.

And have you order
white-choc mugaccinos from her?

You'd be happy if Michelangelo
did the Sistine Chapel in crayons.

Oh, because your
long blacks are better?

Yes, yes, they are.

Jason?

I don't know anything about coffee.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Is it my go?
No. I'm still building.

Ugh. I could have laid tar by now.

Shut your hole.

You know what else is like tar?
Mugaccinos.

I have to side with Zeke here.
Mugaccinos are for basic b*tches.

Damn straight.

BOTH: Like babycinos.

Oh, so now everybody's
a coffee expert?

Well, you know what? Fine.

Keep KD Lang.

I'm proud to be a cup-of-tea girl.

Good.
Great.

Fine.
Whatever.

Ten.
Yes.

Want to trade for a sheep?
I'll give you 14 sheep.

I don't want your sheep.

Ah, finally, rock.

The ancestors smile upon me.
Praise the ancestors.

So, Jason, are you telling me
you and your ex are still friendly?

Oh, yeah.
We have lunch every Sunday.

Wait, you can do that?

Well, then why aren't you
back with her, then?

Because it's over.
Well, what made you break up?

Was it something over -
say, hypothetically - a chicken pie?

Do we have to talk about this?
Yes, we do, Charlie.

Because I'm new to
my relationship with Tyrone

and I don't want this break up stuff
to rub off on us.

Longest road, losers.

I'm in the lead.

Give me my land.

Your turn, Finlay.

Jason? Your ex?

Oh, it wasn't one thing.
It was just a gradual feeling.

For us, we were better friends
than spouses. Best friends.

Well, I know that best friends,
or spouses,

don't kick you out over pies.

Ah-ha!

Seven.

[LAUGHS]

Everyone check your cards.

Robber!

Robber, robber, robber,
robber, robber!

At least I get rid of this sheep.

You want to build a city?
Yes. Yes, I do.

Well, then put the robber on Zeke

and I'll give you
my last hay and rock.

That's against the rules.
It's not against the rules.

The rules are to make deals.
Ben?

It's a proposition.
She doesn't HAVE to do it.

Do. I exploit this separation
for a need of a city?

Give me your card.

[LAUGHS]

Ten. Oh, shame about
that robber blocking you.

That's it.

That was downright dirty Charlie.
It's a strategy.

If it was a strategy,
you would have put it on Ben

because he's winning
with the longest road.

You're being selfish and spiteful.

Excuse me?

Look, I don't mean to interrupt
but despite being robbed,

I've still got sheep
coming out of my arse

and I need to trade them off.

Acting like I'm
a bad husband is selfish.

Is it my go?

Bringing a whitefella to
our to our holiday home is selfish.

I'm going to roll.

Oh, more sheep.

Dragging everybody into
your little drama over a chicken pie

that nobody understands is selfish.

You got yourself a pie
and you didn't get me one.

It's always you first and me second.

There are many things that
you can call me

in this disaster of a relationship,
but selfish isn't one of them.

Trading these three for some hay.

Wait, I could have traded these
with the bank? sh*t.

I gave my all, Zeke.

I gave you a clean house,
a...a full fridge,

all my love and energy.

I always give,
and you never give back.

And now, I give to myself

and you have the audacity
to call me selfish.

I want to win for once.

One development card.

Oh, my God.

Victory point.
Ugh.

I win. I'm the settling King.
[LAUGHS]

Your lands are all mine.

[LAUGHS]

What did you say?

You know what
you're standing on mate?

What?

BOTH: Aboriginal land.

I better go.

Can I get your num...?

I'm sorry.

White people.

They're good at taking land though.

Johnny-come-lately.

Bet he's not even black.
[SNORTS]

Hey, who's up for another drink?

Me.
Me please.

I...

..didn't know you felt like that.

You never asked.

You never said.

Well...

I'm saying it now.

So.

So.

At least Ben's found love.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Remember the first time
we came here.

And you saved me from the rip.

Bet you wish you left me
out there now.

What happened to us?

Well...

I expected you to change
without saying anything

and you didn't change because...

..you couldn't see the problem
until it was too late.

We both stuffed up, Zeke.

Is there any way of going back?

To when?

We've been like this
since the beginning.

We can start over.

I'll buy you all the pies you want.

I'll make you an eggplant pie
for breakfast.

Funny thing is...

I don't even like pies.

This is sh*t.
I know.

Be great if we can keep friendly.

We still have Ben in common,
after all.

And we'll always have Catan.
Yeah.

Just promise to never date
each other's second or third cousin.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You want to stay for breakfast?

Nah. I'm going home.

You enjoy the house.

So beautiful.
Why did they stop coming here?

It's probably 'cause we gave them
so much sh*t about the caravan.

I've got gravel in my feet,

I'm very thirsty,

and I've had about two hours sleep.

Middle age is a bit sh*t, isn't it?

We're women in our 40s, with kids.

We're not celebrities.

This is how we look now.

No JLo at 50?

f*ck JLo.
[LAUGHS]