01x05 - Luke & Olly

[bunniefuu]

- (THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(WAVE CRASHES)

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

SONG: Summer love

is like no other love

Ooh, yeah!

Summer love is like no other

Love

Ooh ♪

('THE ONE' BY KYLIE MINOGUE PLAYS)

Starlight shimmers everywhere

There's a certain something

in the air

Can you feel what I feel in me?

It's in the air, electricity

- Oh-oh, glimmering ♪

- (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

You don't know the words, do you?

Two hours of Kylie is a lot.

Wow. I'm going to have to revoke

your g*y membership.

Do I get to play MY music?

Absolutely not.

Because you'll play something sad,

like Thirsty Merc.

What's wrong with Thirsty Merc?!

There is not enough time, Luke.

Oh, I need to piss!

Well, can you hold?

We'll be stopping in 25 minutes.

You know I love it

when you plan my toilet breaks.

Oh.

OK, tell me.

Are you transplanting a human heart?

No.

- A human liver?

- No!

- Gwyneth Paltrow's head?

- Ooh, we should watch that again.

Ha.

Is it

Luke, it's an incredible dinner

featuring no human body parts,

and that is all you need to know.

I love that you're cooking.

You know I have this weird thing

for Gordon Ramsay.

Oh, I'm well aware.

- (PHONE RINGS)

- Ooh.

Oh! It's the birthday girl!

How's the big trip?

Have you died of boredom yet?

No.

- I heard that.

- Whoops!

Happy one year, h*m*!

We didn't think

you'd make it to six months.

Oh, thanks, mate.

I still cannot believe you are

abandoning me on my 30th birthday!

You were 30 last year.

That is not the point!

(RATTLING)

Hello? Are you there?

- Are you drunk?

- They're always drunk.

Olly, I need your diva playlist

from New Year's Eve.

Uh Hey, the phone's doing

that weird freezing thing.

It must be bad reception.

I'll I'll call you on Tuesday!

Don't worry,

we'll be drunk soon too.

Yay!

I got three bottles

of that nice champagne you like.

Ah! Look at that!

We're not camping, are we?

You You know

how I hate tents and sand

and the the beach

and the outdoors.

And I need an oven

Olly, this is my gift to you,

so just trust me, please.

OK.

I AM excited.

Me too.

Just don't be so excited

that you pee your pants.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS)

And it's not too barnyard-y, is it?

- It's actually more grassy.

- Ah.

(SNIFFS) It's one of my favourites.

- (DOG BARKS)

- MAN: Luke!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- What a

- Mwah, mwah.

..pleasant surprise!

- You guys look great!

- Lies! I've stacked on three kilos.

But I warned Sebastian

on our honeymoon

that I couldn't see the point

of getting married

- if you can't let yourself go.

- (LAUGHS)

OK, I know this looks

like a piss stain,

but I swear to God it's just water.

Oh.

- Hi.

- This is my boyfriend, Olly.

Oh!

This is Sebastian from uni

and his husband, Alexander.

- Oh, right! With the two Frenchies.

- Right.

Just the one now.

Um Bella passed away

three months ago.

- Oh, no.

- sh*t. Sorry!

(DOG WHINES)

Are you down for the weekend?

We're here every weekend, babes.

- We're renovating.

- Oh!

- It's a nightmare.

- Oh.

Are you down here

looking at the market?

The farmers' market?

- (CHORTLES) He's adorable!

- Ohh! (LAUGHS)

Um We're just just down

for a couple of days.

- We're celebrating our anniversary.

- Yeah.

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Congratulations!

- Congratulations.

Thanks.

Well, Luke, if you

do do decide to buy down here,

you're going to have to use

our buyer's agent, Tracy.

- A power l*sbian.

- She's incredibly scary.

- Penned an amazing deal for us.

- Yeah. Private offer.

- No auction.

- No fuss.

Heaven!

(LAUGHS)

We're going

to have to have you both over

when we finish our second bathroom.

Matte black finishes,

double basin, frosted glass.

You will die.

Sounds great.

Well, this one

has a dinner to cook,

- so we best

- Ohh!

Yeah, it was really nice

to meet you.

- Good to see you.

- Enjoy your little getaway.

- Happy anniversary.

- And it was nice to meet you too

- (SNARLS)

- Jesus!

Princess Diana!

(GASPS) Behave yourself.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

(WAVES CRASH)

Holy sh*t.

Is it OK?

Did you book this place

just so you could clean the windows?

Because in the photos

it didn't look as

Oh, my God, I can see Tasmania.

Or, as other people call it, a boat.

How much did this place cost?

I'll tell you

if you tell me what's in the esky.

Nice try.

Oh.

Yum!

Is there a price list or

I think it's all complimentary.

(LAUGHS)

What, seriously?

Is it too much?

Uh No, it's perfect.

I

Thank you for not taking me camping.

And this is lovely, by the way.

Banksy.

Ah, I believe it is a Picasso

from his Kmart period.

(LAUGHS)

Don't you be funnier than me?

Mwah!

I think I've screwed up.

We should have stayed in a hotel

in the city or something.

Hey

..just tell me where the oven is.

Oh, it's in the kitchen.

(WAVE CRASHES)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(PUFFS)

(CHUCKLES)

Stop it.

Roasting pan?

(DISHWASHER TRILLS)

What is a roasting pan?

(PUFFS)

(CONTROLLER BEEPS)

(WAVES CRASH, BIRDS SQUAWK)

Oh, God.

Ugh!

(READS) "10 minutes at 200 degrees.

"Internal temperature is 75

"or until juices run clear"?

Eww.

Crushed it.

(BOTTLE CORK POPS)

Never have I ever

lied to get out of work.

Ha! I lied to my boss to be here.

What time is dinner?

I'm not going to fill up on cheese,

don't worry.

(SIGHS)

Right.

Never have I ever broken up

with someone via text message!

Where are the hard ones?!

- Did you hear a car?

- Mm-mm.

- Never have I ever

- That sounded like an engine.

What are you doing, you psycho?

Uh Nothing.

We don't have to play the game.

We could read a book.

Ooh.

John Grisham.

- I didn't know you could read?

- How dare you?

Mm!

(ALERT TONE QUACKS)

The chicken!

I think it was a duck.

Ha! A chicken!

You're basting a chicken.

No, I'm not.

(WATCH ALERT TRILLS)

Maybe we should

have the cheese board inside.

What the hell?

Everything OK over there?

Yes.

(QUIETLY) f*ck, sh*t, f*ck!

Oh.

(CLICKS)

(CLICKS)

Ah.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Luke, stop!

What if it's the owners popping in

for a chat? No, we should hide.

Just come down.

Stand here.

Quick.

Stand there.

Actually, no.

Stand there.

Take that off.

(PUFFS)

CoupleSeekingThird?

- Jett 4U.

- Yes, right.

I'm Luke. This is Olly.

Hello.

Olly, this is Jett 4U.

Oh, you can call me Jett,

that's fine.

Ah, yes, of course. (EXHALES HEAVILY)

That's your app name.

Uh What app?

Ta-dah!

Happy anniversary.

Oh! Happy anniversary!

Mwah!

I made us a cheese board.

That is so sweet!

Mwah!

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

This is what I think it is,

isn't it?

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

I googled

"how to plan a g*y threesome"

and found this app called 3WAY

- Yes, I know the app, Luke.

- ..and Jett4U, sorry, Jett

..just popped up.

I haven't ruined

your chicken schedule, have I?

- No.

- Good.

In fact, dinner's a little way off,

so this

..is amazing!

(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Lucky there's no neighbours, eh?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Lemon or lime?

Squeeze of both, if you don't mind.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Cheers to

- ..this.

- Being g*y.

(GLASSES CLINK)

Fancy place.

Are you guys rich?

He is. I'm not.

I'm still on prepaid,

he's got franking credits.

I have no idea what they are.

Ah!

Who's up for another one?

Jett, please,

help yourself to some cheese.

Sorry if you're vegan. Are you vegan?

I spotted your toe ring before.

Ooh! God, it's hot in here!

Olly, can you sort that out?

Anyone else melting?

Do you press the snowflake

because you want it to BE cold

or because it IS cold?

I don't mind it being so hot, boys.

Have you got a light?

BOTH: I don't smoke.

It's fine.

(ELEMENT CLICKS)

Turns out we do have a light.

Oh. No.

Sorry to be a wet blanket,

but, uh well, studies have shown

that marijuana can stay

in your system for up to 30 days,

and I actually have to drive home

on Tuesday, so

OK. I'll just stop talking then.

(MOUTHS SOUNDLESSLY)

(MOUTHS SOUNDLESSLY)

(GASPS)

(COUGHS)

You guys are really cute.

Ahh

(BIRDS SQUAWK)

So, I'm guessing whoever owns

the Audi out front's the top?

(SPITS)

Uh No. Sort of.

- Well

- It kind of depends on the night.

Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Alright

..I think we just need

to take a deep breath and chill.

Oh, I

When I was backpacking

through India,

I learned this traditional

massage technique.

Either of you ever been to India?

- Nope.

- No?

Oh, beautiful place.

Beautiful people.

I spent most of my time on Tarkarli

Beach. It's just north of Goa.

If you ever find yourself

over there,

I really recommend

you check it out.

It's sort of like the

It's sort of like the Bali of India.

- Mm!

- Mm.

So, tell me how kinky are you two?

Are you into role play?

- No.

- Not really.

What about leather?

No. Should we be?

Is leather different to role play?

- So, you guys use toys then?

- Ha! Well, I'd say yes,

but I'm scared of what

you'll pull out of your tote bag.

- Dirty talk?

- No.

No. I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry.

You guys are on PrEP?

Yep.

Oh, wait. Are Are you still on

- Yeah, of course.

- Ha!

You two have never

had a threesome before, have you?

Well no.

I haven't. Olly has.

Several times. Before we met.

Yeah.

Actually the last one I had was with

this weird couple at a baby shower.

Both called Adam. Couples

with the same name - major red flag.

But, you know,

I had to go home with them because

I didn't have money for a cab.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Mm.

Oh.

- Mm.

- Hm!

Right on.

Now, uh whereabouts

is the bathroom?

I like to shower before I shag,

so

(SHOWER WATER PATTERS)

You all good down there?

(SCOFFS) A-OK.

- Maybe he's shampooing his hair.

- Shh!

Do you think

he wants us to join him?

Do you think?

Wait, what are you doing?

Should I knock?

(WHISPERS) I don't know! How did

you start your last threesome?

- Alcohol and drugs.

- At a baby shower?!

Shh!

- (SHOWER STOPS RUNNING)

- sh*t!

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Uh The blue towel behind the door,

that's for you!

Good one, Mum!

Or the white one.

Sorry.

Well

..here we are, gentlemen.

- Hm!

- Yep.

Do you mind if I get in the middle?

Oh, you do you, yeah.

I'll just

Sorry.

(SIGHS)

So, show me how it's done, you two.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now is someone gonna kiss me or

I mean, I will.

If that's OK.

(CHORTLES)

Sure thang!

Mm!

Ha.

Your turn.

Oh.

- You ready?

- Oh! You bet.

Oh.

What's wrong?

Oh! Um Strong weed.

(LAUGHS) No, keep going.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah!

Go!

What are you doing?

Uh

I need to check on the chicken.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Olly, wait!

Olly.

Olly.

Olly!

Olly.

(KNOCKS) Olly!

O

Uh Help yourself to whatever.

That one's not too barnyard-y.

(YELLS) Olly!

Olly, what are you doing?

What What's the matter?

Is it Is it Jett?

You said it was awesome.

You kissed him.

You should have

checked with me first.

Yeah.

Because we were supposed

to be having dinner

and I went to a lot of trouble

to get that chicken.

OK, we can still have

You know, I went to Coles

at 8:00AM this morning.

I set an alarm!

To go get a frickin'

organic chicken!

Because when I went yesterday

they were sold out,

and Nigella was very specific,

she said it had to be organic!

- (CRUNCH!)

- Ow!

f*ck!

And this is why I hate the beach

because there are shells everywhere!

Are you OK?

No!

And And this is just

really f*cking typical of you!

- Excuse me?

- Yep.

Well, you rent

this ridiculous house.

Is this about money again?

No, it's it's about

you making plans without telling me.

I was trying to surprise you!

You organise this whole trip.

YOU make all the arrangements.

YOU drive us down here in YOUR car.

You don't have a car!

You don't have a licence!

I mean, someone

has to make the arrangements!

You know,

someone in this relationship

has to actually act like a grown-up!

f*ck!

It must be so nice to never

take responsibility for anything!

To just throw a tantrum

like a five-year-old

- whenever you feel

- (expl*si*n)

f*cking hell!

Oh, my God, the chicken!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God,

oh, God, oh, God!

What the hell happened?

I just came out to light my joint

and then - bang! - the whole

thing explodes and almost kills me.

- Are you OK?

- No! Obviously not.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Olly, move!

Agh!

Jesus Christ, Olly.

Did you turn the gas on

and not the barbecue?

You could have burnt down the house!

Well, this himbo lit the match,

not me.

You're going to blame Jett?

Really?

Look at the chicken!

Oh, my God.

You bought a chicken.

Congratulations, you big baby!

Do you want a a sticker?

Oh, I'm the baby?

I'm the five-year-old?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Ha!

f*ck!

There!

- Is that a

- Yep.

Why?

So that I could ask you to marry me.

You put a ring

inside a chicken's butt?

(LAUGHS)

It was its mouth, Luke.

Everybody knows that.

You two are insane.

This was the worst threesome ever.

Never contact me again.

Namaste.

(SNIFFLES)

I guess, uh

..when we get back

I'll be moving out.

O OK.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

(WAVES CRASH)

(MURMURS)

Oh.

I thought you deserted me.

I just went to get this.

How exactly were you planning

on getting home?

It's called a bus, Luke.

I know we broke up,

but that's very dramatic.

Can I help?

Um Sure. If you like.

- It's a reverse thread.

- Yes. I know.

Let me pay for the gas bottle.

(SIGHS) I'm not worried

about the money.

Well, you paid for the house.

You bought an organic chicken.

Sorry.

I shouldn't bring up the chicken.

I know I almost blew up the house,

but I proposed,

and you made fun of me, so

I was in shock.

30 seconds before that,

you were calling me a control freak.

I never said that.

I can read between the lines.

And, anyway, I was high.

Oh.

So that makes it OK?

(SIGHS)

I am sorry about the expl*si*n.

I know you are.

(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Right.

Well, I'd better get going.

There's only two buses on a Sunday.

I don't want to get married!

Yes, I picked up on that.

No, I mean

..at all.

- To anyone.

- What, never?

I thought you'd want to get married

for the paperwork alone.

I think marriage is a

..a shortcut.

We marched, Luke. I made signs.

And we won.

They didn't make it compulsory.

And I don't want paperwork.

Leaving me should be easy.

The fact that you don't

is what matters.

Well, you've never told me

any of this.

I didn't think I'd have to.

Why? 'Cause I'm too immature?

No.

I didn't think

you were the marrying kind either.

I thought this whole

secret anniversary holiday

was one big hint

that you wanted to get married.

Have you never seen a rom-com?!

What?

This was honestly

just a holiday to hang out.

And then I panicked

and organised the

- ..the

- The big, g*y threesome.

Yeah, that.

I'm sorry.

It was just this house and the view

and that flicky frosted glassy thing

and I just thought, "This isn't Olly.

"This is boring."

I dragged you away

from your friends and

..for what? Cheese?

(SCOFFS)

I should have checked with you first.

Yeah, well,

I would have said, "Go for it."

It turns out watching you

kiss another guy was not hot.

I want you all to myself.

You do?

I didn't think I was enough for you.

Enough?

Luke, I bought a ring.

I asked you to marry me

because I thought

that if I didn't (CHUCKLES)

..that I would lose you.

Are we the worst gays ever?

Maybe.

(BOTH SNICKER)

You know who's really good

at being g*y?

BOTH: Sebastian and Alexander.

Ohh

Married with dogs or orgies -

are those really our only options?

No.

There's what we have right now.

The way we live already.

Oh.

That's nice.

Yeah, it is.

I love living with you.

And you make me laugh. A lot.

I love living with you.

And every now and then

you make me laugh too.

(LAUGHS)

Love you.

I love you too.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Mmm

Did we just quote the Kmart canvas?

Mm

We need to get the hell

out of this house.

Uh-uh.

You are stuck here with me

for two more nights, mister.

- Mm.

- Mmm

You didn't tell my mum

about the ring, did you?

- f*ck, no!

- Oh, thank God.

Telling my mum

I don't want to get married

will be harder

than telling her I was g*y.

Mm-hm.

Ooh! Hang on.

Let me get you REALLY horny first.

- Oh.

- Mm.

SONG: They said love hurts

I wrote that book

I climbed that wall

I had one look ♪

Ohh!

But you just came around

To say hello ♪

Well, the joke's on you,

because it's working.

So, tell me

Why

- Charlie?!

- What the hell are YOU doing here?

This is my anniversary weekend.

I do believe it makes it

my anniversary weekend too.

Trial separation

means trial separation.

This ain't black Ross and Rachel.

A dating app?

Yeah, you're not really going

to go through with that, are you?

- You're

- Zeke.

Charlie's husband.

Oh, I think I left something

in the in the taxi.